 We invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Psy Howard and starring that celebrated actor Mr. J Carol Nash with Alan Reed as Beswale. When Luigi Vasco left Italy to start his new life in America, he promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Vasco in Italy. Dear Mamma Mia, in your last letter you asked I should write to you, how is the magnetic business? Well in America when a business is not so good, people say is not so hot. To tell the truth to Mamma Mia, my business is not only not so hot, I think it's a frozen to that. And I'm a try so hard to be good American a business man. Last a month I'm even a join up with the best of a business a bureau, but still a business is no better. Then I'm a try to advertise like a store across the way. He's a run-and-a-half a price sale, I'm a run-and-a-half a price sale. He's a run-and-a-month sale, I'm a run-and-and-a-month sale. Then yesterday he's a run-and-a-fire sale and I'm stuck. He's my bad luck, I'm a god to no fire. But worst thing of all, I'm all my countrymen of Pasquale, 160 dollars for a month's rent. Most of the time I'm a kind of talk with a Pasquale and he's a given me time to pay. Even if this is a four month's rent, I'm all him a for the last eight months. But this morning I'm gonna receive a letter from him which is to say if I'm gonna pay, he's a kick me out. One of Pasquale is a threat to me, or a holler at me, or a tell me he's gonna get a lawyer to collect the 160 dollars. It's no bother me. But when he's a spend of money on a three cent of stamp, I know he's a mean of business. Mamma mia, if a Pasquale is a throw me out of my store, where am I gonna go? What am I gonna do? Well, it's a time and how to go to my night to school or class. Maybe I'm a get advice from my friends or to my teacher Ms. Spaulding. Quiet class, class, attention. Now I'll call the roll. Mr. Vasco. Here. Mr. Howard. Here. Mr. Olsen. Here. Mr. Schultz. In the words of that Irishman, Winston Churchill, Lafayette, we are here. Mr. Schultz. In the first place, Winston Churchill is English, not Irish, and it may interest you to know Lafayette was a Frenchman, and that quotation was from General Pershing, an American. So please, Ms. Spaulding, what I started for a roll call, let's not build into an international situation. Thank you, fellow Ruben. Mr. Schultz, I'm getting tired of your antics. Out of the hundred times I've called the roll, you've answered correctly about five times. Ms. Spaulding, you are calling me a five-presenter? Me a man without a deep freeze to his name? Mr. Schultz, I've had enough out of you. For those remarks, you may consider yourself in the doghouse. Now, class, today's lesson concerns an era in American history known as westward expansion. Mr. Howard, can you tell me one cause of this westward expansion? Yes. The desire of the people in the east to expand to the best. Well, yes. Mr. Schultz, what can you add to that? Mr. Schultz, what's the idea? You said I was in the doghouse. Never mind. After all, what does a cock a spaniel know from American history? I said, never mind. Now, class, around the middle of the 19th century, thousands of hardy pioneers faced the dangers of starvation, unmarked trails, and hostile Indians in order to brave a new life in the west. They did this at a terrible cost. Mr. Baskow, can you tell us at what cost? 160 dollars. Where did you get that figure? I'm no kind of garret, but if I'm a harrow to Pasquale, he wouldn't throw me out. You see, today I'm going to get a letter from a Pasquale. Mr. Baskow, please try to forget your personal problems and concentrate on our history lesson. All right, Ms. Spaulding, I try. Good. Now, Mr. Baskow, can you tell us the name of the man who said, go west, young man. Go west, the younger man? Yes. Come now. It was Horace. Horace? Was a Horace, I thought you said it was a man. The Luigi, I'm surprised that you, you should know the answer to a thimble question like that. Well, Mr. Schultz, suppose you tell him who said, go west, young man. Certainly, but Horace Hyde. Mr. Schultz, I didn't think I'd get an answer like that in a thousand years. To tell you the truth was a lucky guess. Ms. Baulding. Yes, Mr. Olsen. If I am a volunteer, I would like to give the correct answer. Go ahead, Mr. Olsen. The one who said, go west, young man. Oh, I would gladly go without food for three weeks if he would only make one mistake. The man's name was Horace Greeley. Correct. Past the salami, I'm putting on weight again. There was a period of western expansion was one of the most glorious in American history. There was a period of opportunity. Immigrants, many of them just like us, went looking for a new land. By covered wagon, by ox cart, by horse, by foot. Searching for a new life and a wonderful chance to start all over again. Start all over again. Mr. Olsen, I'm proud of you. I appreciate what you say, Ms. Baulding. I always thought the hard. In fact, last night, I spent six hours with my nose in a book. Olsen, tomorrow, why don't you send your nose to school and you stay home? Olsen. Olsen, I think it was wonderful what you just said. I think I'm going to go out to west. Mr. Basko, you're not serious. Yes, I'm very serious, Ms. Baulding. Bascuali is going to throw me out of the store and I'm going to go someplace. Luigi, that's a very big step to leave everything and everybody and go settle in a strange place. Well, I know Horace, but that's what I did the one I'm going to leave Italy a year and a half ago. I'm going to take a chance then and I'm going to take a chance now. Ah, Luigi, out west, I can't imagine you on a horse. What are you trying to be? Hop along, Basko? Luigi, why don't you go talk to Bascuali? You had trouble with him before? That's right, Mr. Basko, and you've always been able to work things out. Well, you really think I should have tried talking to Bascuali? Oh, sure, Luigi, and cheer up, smile. You shouldn't try to run away from troubles. Like we say in the delicatessen business, he who fights and runs away, we hold his coat till he decides to pay. Luigi, my friend. No, Luigi, I love, I love. Basko, aren't you angry at me? Me? Angry? Oh, I'm no angry with you, little pumpkin ahead. But there are a lot of you sent to me about the rent money. Oh, that, look a little, Cabbage Bus. Just because you owe me four months of rent and besides this, you don't want to marry my daughter so I decide to kick you out in the street. That don't mean I'm angry with you. No, then what's it mean? It's a mean I'm a hater, you asshole. If you don't pay me that $160, it's a goodbye, Luigi, don't care where you go. Basko, listen, I got a $50 in a banker that I was saving for rainy days. Too late, he was wiped out by a flood. Go, go, go, Luigi, pack your little suitcase and go sleep in a park with the birdies and go, go, go. All right, Pascuali. Well, what are you waiting for? I'm just want to thank you, Pascuali, for bringing me to this wonderful country and for helping me all the time and for everything. Well, goodbye, Pascuali. Wait. Luigi, if I wasn't to forget about the $160, you would have been very happy, wouldn't you? Oh, yes, Pascuali. You would have been so happy, you would have fainted. I thank you so, Pascuali. Well, Luigi, I'm going to let you off without a rent money. What? Pascuali, are you going to do this for me? Sure. Now I'm going to do you a favor, you do me a favor. I'm going to show you Pascuali, what the favor you want I should have do. Why are you fainted? I wanted you should have married my daughter Rosa. Pascuali, you're just to get me smelling the sauce. Answer is no. I went to Luigi, don't talk so fast. No man has ever had the opportunity like I'm offering to you. Your own house, a car, rugs, a sterlet, a silver, refrigerator, toast, a television, a set. It's like a radio program. Yeah, but I'm going to marry Rosa to get all of that. That's right. No, Pascuali, keep you jack apart. All right, I'm going to keep her. I don't know why I never spent a one penny on you. I could have rent this store out a hundred times and make a big money with it. Pascuali, I'm sorry. Sorry is no putting money into my pocket. Pascuali, I was thinking there was more important things to you than money. Like love and a friendship. In all the country, we enjoy lots of things and we didn't need money. You've been reading too much about the Marshall Plan. Luigi, far as I'm concerned, money is everything. Money is a ticket and a blood. With the money, you're something. Without the money, you're just a boob of McNutton. Well, maybe you're right, Pascuali. Maybe money is everything. Well, I'm leaving the city and we're going to far away and make a lot of money. Then maybe you'll have a respect for me. Oh, big shots, eh? Where you going? I'm leaving to Chicago, Pascuali. I'm going to West. Going to West? Luigi, what are you going to do in New York? Pascuali, out to West is a California. Oh, a California, Luigi. Not that it's making any difference for me, but I think you're making a bigger mistake than going to California. That's India in the country, you know. I'm not afraid of Pascuali. Not afraid, a big hero. When those Indians are scalpy, you're going to look pretty stupid walking around Hollywood without your head on. I'm taking my chance, Pascuali. Another thing, before you get to California, you've got to cross with those bigger mountains, the Alps. Planet cold up there. I'm going to read once how a general of cluster, he's going to get attacked by the Indians. They let him freeze to death. That's the way we get the name, a frozen cluster. Pascuali, you can't be frightened of me. I'm still going to California. Miss Spaulding is the tallest in the school about the great Western expansion, and how people, they got a chance to make a new life for themselves in the West. Sophie, you're excusing me now. I'm going to pack my things. You've got your mind made up. Nothing's going to stop you, huh? Pascuali would have to be something very big to stop me. All right, then I'm going to call her out. Rosa, Rosa, Rosa. Come here, my little darling. Rosa, say hello to Luigi. Rosa and a goodbye. He's going to a place where the Indians, they're going to scalp him. The death of the mountains, the dire thirst in the desert, and the vultures that they're going to pick as the bones. We're having a good time, Luigi. We turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. Hannah, so, my mania, this isn't one of the biggest days in your Luigi's life. Today, I'm going to leave to Chicago where I was a big failure in the business and I'm going to California. There, I'm going to be much bigger. Maybe I'm going to discover a lot of oil. What a fortune I'm going to make. I'm going to put all the oil in the little bottles and sell it to the people who's got a sauna machine. Also, in the West, they got a lot of gold. Maybe I find that. Maybe I discover gold first because it's easier to find that. And every little piece is stamped to 14 a character. Well, my mania, I got my suitcase packed and I'm leaving now to buy a train ticket. But I'm all right till you're from the next. I'm a no-no. Luigi, my fellow poobies. Oh, Luigi, you're really leaving us? Sure, sir. Believe me, sure. Sinicide is a voice that's a say. Luigi, you don't go. But I want a Pascuali as a say. Money is a ticket and a blood. That's to give me a push. You mean Pascuali absolutely wouldn't listen about the rent money? That's right. Pascuali is so stingy when he squeezes an Indian penny, sitting bull don't sit down for three weeks. How could a man with such a soft brain have such a hard heart? Luigi, my best friend, tell me you ain't going. Sure, sir. Please don't stop me. I'm going out to West, even though I'm going to go through the Alps, the Indians, they're going to pick up my scalpel and a vulture said they're going to pick up my bones. Luigi, did Pascuali tell you that? Yes, sir. Oh, he got you for shimmel. Now, Luigi, put down that suitcase you are staying right here. Well, it takes a short show, dear friend, but I'm already make up my mind. Oh, you thought it over. You are going, huh? Yes. Now I'm going to go to the station and buy a ticket for the eight o'clock train. The eight o'clock train? Goodbye, Schultz. Well? Luigi, you go on the way. You say goodbye. I don't want you to go. I'm not saying goodbye. He went... Luigi, you came back. No, no, Schultz. This underwear was a sticking out of my suitcase. Got caught in the door. Goodbye. Oh, I'm going to miss that little vino schnitzel. His underwear got caught in the door. No, you got to love a fella like that. One man leaves Chicago and the city is empty. Hello, it's Jagger. And Mr. Delicatessen, a man. What are you doing here in the dark? I'm planting mushrooms. What does it look like? Well, you Simon Legree, now that you threw Luigi out from Chicago, you feel better? Ah, Luigi's are now labor Chicago. Chicago is just to make a big talk. And which? You're talking to the walls. Luigi's taking the 8 o'clock train to California. You don't believe he really went? Look around. Zutte is in here. The bureau draws empty. His sneaker's gone. He's arrived. The place is all cleaned up. Hey, my picture was on the wall. He's a god. What's the force to take my picture with him? To frighten the Indians. What do you think he did? You don't know, huh? You got a hole in your head. Your brain leaked out. I'm going to tell you why. So that little slump of he always looks up to you like a father. Like a father? What a horrible thought. Like a father? Yeah. A little banana nose. Well, there's no place for sentiments in a business. A fellow can of pay is a rent. Howdy goes it. You're going to call him in me in a cold, a vicious, a blood thirsty. I've got a constitutional right to be. I'm a landlord. And this the country of money is of money. Pay or get out the cash on a barrel of head. And that's what you got, a barrel of head. I know what I say is right. A man can't take care of himself. He shouldn't expect anybody else to. Even a friend. I wonder where he is now. If I've been walking around in the street to say to somebody, I'm just going to my master which way to the railroad station. Excuse me, Mr. Which way to the railroad station? Go two blocks up, turn right then to the left. Ask somebody for the penalty station. You can't miss it. Well, thank you, mister. Well, go go buy a Chicago. Maybe your city is a too big for me. But I'm going out to west. Hey, look out! What's with your car? I'm going to look for gold or for oil. I'm going to Little City. Maybe I'm going to start to my own the city. Yeah, my own the city. Fellow citizens, it is indeed a pleasure and a privilege to introduce to you the most illustrious citizen of our glorious town. That great billionaire Luigi Basko. The founder of Basko Bird. Well, thank you, fellow citizens. I remember when I first came here from Chicago way back in 1949. Mr. Basko, sir, if you please. Yes, sir? The Basko Bugle reports that they just discovered 500 more oil wells on your property. The stuff is gushing all over the place. What shall we do? Give the oil to the people and make the French fry the potatoes away. Mr. Basko. Yes? Sir, they just announced a mountain of gold was discovered on your property. Do you hear this? On station B-A-S-C-O. Sir, what shall we do with all that gold? If everybody in the country want a piece, they get a free filling. Mr. Basko, there's somebody who wants to see you very urgently. All right. So where is he? Luigi, my friend. Hello, Luigi. Hello, hello. Huh? Who are you? Don, do you remember me? For squalys and spaghetti parlors? Well, yes. You look familiar from about 50 years ago. I'm going to somebody here you're going to recognize very well. Rosa, Rosa, Rosa. Say hello to Luigi. Oh, wait. I'm going to recognize you now. For squalys, I'm going to know how to fill in for you. You was like a papa to me. You can now retire and deliver here with me and here's the 160 dollars I'm going to owe you. 160 dollars? Uh-huh. You made 160 trillion dollars. What's the squalys worth so much? The interest is a mount-up. A hand over your house. Your city. Your oil. Your gold. Your everything. I got to hold up the line. Oh, oh. Excuse me. I was asleep. Please, I'm going to like to go to California and at eight o'clock at train. All right. Would you like an upper or a lower? Yes, I'm a got the myonitate. No, no, I meant bird. Oh, bird. Yeah. I was aboard a September 21st. No, no. What ticket do you want? Well, I'm a got a 50 dollars. Okay. Here's the ticket on a coat. Pull up. Limited. Leave on track four in 15 minutes. Thank you. You better hurry up, Mr. if you don't want to miss your train. All right. And don't forget your suitcase. Oh, yes, sir. Thank you. Mama Mia. I'm really going. Where am I going? Well, what am I going to do? Who am I going to know? I thought a Pasquale would surely come and stop me, but... but I know he's not coming. Luigi. Sure, sir. Luigi, we've been waiting here for you. We have asked you. Well, I was walking around. Sure. We came to say goodbye to you. We? You came with somebody else? Luigi, it's me. Look. Oh, Horowitz. Anybody else? I am here. Olsen. Anybody else? The model? Who else do you want? Nobody. Horowitz! And you better get on with all of it, Luigi. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Mama Mia. One minute on the train and it's already feeling like one a year. Well, maybe I'm going to try to go to sleep. I want to thank you so much. My head is aching. I'm awake. I'm hungry. I'm tired. I'm thirsty. Oh, here's your sign. If you want the porter, ring the bell. I ring for the porter. Maybe he's a help for me. Is it you all that's a ring for me, sir? Viscuali. Luigi. Viscuali, what are you doing on the train? You think I'm going to leave you gold in the pumpkin ahead? Who am I going to have at the holler out? That's right, Viscuali. Go ahead, the holler. See, I dare you leave me your star. But, Viscuali, you said money was a ticket and a blood. I said that, but there's something even a ticket in my head. Next stop for you getting off over to me. Viscuali, you wanted me to come back? Sure, I wanted you to come back. Then you're not the angry one. Sure I'm angry with you. You told Schultz I was a like of your papa. That's right. Viscuali, before we become friends again I'm going to take you home to the wood shed. I'm going to give you a good spanking for running away from home. What are you taking after, Viscuali? All right, the papa, all right. And so, Mamma Mia, I'm back into my store again. And it's a feel good to be homeless. You should see how nice a Viscuali is a treat to me now. Just like a little baby. Already today he's making me drink three bottles of milk. And when I went to sleep last night he's a tuck me in. And when I'm a tell him I'm a go for a walk, he's a say, Luigi, be careful. Don't take a candy from a stranger. Oh wait, here he comes now. Luigi? Here's another bottle of milk. Thank you, papa. Luigi, don't call me papa. Call me daddy. And as some of me I used to have a landlord. Now I'm a go to daddy. You're having a son, Luigi Basko, the little immigrant. Be sure to listen next week at the same time over most of these stations when Luigi Basko writes another letter to his mama Basko describing his adventures in America. Life with Luigi is a Sy Howard production and is written by Mack Benhoff and Lou Derman and directed by Mack Benhoff. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Basko with Alan Reed as Viscuali, Hans Connery as Schultz, Mary Ship as Miss Faulding and Jodie Gilbert as Rosa. Music is under the direction of Lynn Murray, Bob Stephenson speaking. You've got a date with a beautiful blonde Monday night. She's my friend Irma, the comedy starring Marie Wilson returning to CBS for a sparkling new season of laughter. My friend Irma is one of the exciting lineup of Monday night shows you will hear over CBS this fall. Marie Wilson as the comic misadventurous will delight you with her brain in reverse with hilarious consequences for all concerned. Remember, my friend Irma returns tomorrow night the same night that Lux Radio Theatre comes back to CBS. Lux Radio Theatre will bring you Betty Davis and James Stewart co-starring in the delightful screen comedy, June Bride. You will find Lux Radio Theatre right in the same familiar Monday night hour you've heard it these many years. So join us on most of the same CBS stations tomorrow night for Betty Davis and James Stewart in June Bride when Lux presents Hollywood on CBS. Remember, my friend Irma returns tomorrow night the same night that Lux Radio Theatre comes back to Columbia over most of the same station. And now stay tuned for Carlos Archer which follows immediately over most of the same station. This is CBS and this fall you'll hear them all on the Columbia Broadcasting System.