 Hey Abbott. What time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show It's the Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be listening and laughing pleasure Chuckles with a carload and music by Maddie Malning. So hold on to your chairs folks for here. They are what Abbott and Lou Costello Why were the cops chasing you? I had it in the back seat of my car You and your whole family are always in trouble with the law. I guess you're right Abbott No, I guess you're right. Yes indeed. He joined the last one my brother Pat got a recipe cause he forgot to register for the draft He forgot to register. Yeah, he was too busy milking his cows Milking his cow? Mm-hmm. He should have been at the front. What for a milk was at the other end? Idiot Costello. Please don't say that Abbott. It isn't my fault. I had a very sad home life He did. I did. I was born on a street car and I never saw my motor Why why not? She forgot to get a transfer I'm convinced that you're a schizo. A what-so? A schizo. Ski, skis. Haven't you ever experienced a schizo Freenian? Yes. The first time I put on a pair of skis. I fell on my freenia Don't bore me out Abbott. I don't feel so good. I went to the doctor and he told me I was a sound as a dollar Well, if you're a sound as a dollar then why are you feeling so bad? Do you know the shape the dollar is in these days? Costello, how does it feel to be a moron? It feels pretty good once you're used to it Well the high-grade nonsense you'll be hearing for the next half hour before we get back to it listen to this He said give me your money or you can get along without brains, but you got to have money Some girl from the Burbank theater must be she makes a thousand dollars a week. Oh, that's ridiculous How can a bubble dancer make a thousand dollars a week? Big girl small bubble. All right running around with this bubble dancer Sure, I told her and she took like a trooper like a trooper a storm trooper Don't be too hasty in giving up Marilyn for lean a lapoo especially now reenie reenie lapoo reenie is a French girl Oh French girl. Are you sure that that miss lapoo loves you? Oh, sure Have if you do anything for me. I'm so much that she goes out with other fellas so I can get the proper rest Do you think you're Mariah? Nope. We got different ideas about marriage. She wants to have five boys enough for a basketball team Well, what's wrong with that? I'm a football fan myself Tell me is it is there a school for morons? Oh, sure. There's a school for morons. You mean you didn't know it No, I didn't hmm and all the time. We thought you were playing hooky. All right Tell me you'll be the death of me yet. What was that? I said you'll be the death of me yet promises promises all I get is promises You see a crazy man around here. What does he look like? He's a skinny guy three feet two inches tall and weighs 520 pounds just a minute just a minute How can he be skinny and weigh 520 pounds? I told you it was crazy Hey, every week more crazy people come into this show last week ever swipe walk in here with a rubber plane Oh, waiter. What's the matter with my wife walking in here with a rubber player growing out of her head? I What's the trouble? Well, you know that box of matches you gave me yesterday for my mother is well She can't light them. Well here. Give me the box. I'll show you how to like look I just strike them on the seat of my pants I know but she can't wait for you to come over to the house every morning when she wants to light the stove Get out of here and get himself a job normal when I was your age I was working in a store for three dollars a week and in five years. I owned the place Yeah, but you can't do that nowadays Uncle Louis and why not now they've got cash registers That's you folks And at the end of the season we're gonna send them to the Harvard Medical School in a bottle and student of history But right now he's studying about the Egyptian pyramids What's that? Well, they're great big things made out of concrete that took thousands of men to build them Hundreds of years to finish them and by the time they were finished It cost millions and millions of dollars in Egypt. They call them pyramids We've got the same thing right here in California. We call it the Hollywood freeway Talking about pyramids you see those cars on top of one another. Yeah Jokes vinks, don't it? Yeah. Yeah Well, I gotta go now. Well, that's fine How do you get along with all the girls wonderful? He's got 40 girls and every night after rehearsal a grab each one of them and I kiss her good night Wait a minute you kiss 40 girls aren't you overdoing it Lou? Yeah, but if you saw these girls, you'd be overdoing it, too What's your job with the orchestra? Well, I'll tell you I'm in charge of the girls shallow section. I'm the head bender head bender Yeah Every night when they get to play and I help get their legs back in shape dangerous work Lou Well, I'm used to dangerous work habit in the summertime. I'm a high-wire walker in the circus Do you use a net? No, my hair is just naturally curled Have you had any other jobs working on women? Oh, yeah, my spare time. I'm the intern at the movie studios I treat I treat stars when they get hurt or something. Well, are you kidding? What do you know about first aid suppose suppose a big star like Rida? Hey with fated on the set now, how would you go about reviving her? Well, I put my arms around her and I hold her close and then I smutter her with kisses What what good will that do her? I don't know about her, but it sure would do wonders for me Well, look I sell it's our singing star Marilyn Williams I want you to know that we're very happy that you came over here from England to sing for our show I think you're wonderful. I thank you, Mr. Abbott in England. I was considered just another canary What a canary? How do you like that over here? We got nothing but those little yellow ones That I smell It's a new perfume. I'm wearing it's called Roy Rogers number five Why yes trigger comes through just as clear as a bell I'll take you away from all this. Oh, but I'm very happy Lou. I have mink coats diamond rings Automobiles and thousands of dollars, okay, then I'll take all this away from you Down pay the attention to a Marilyn that wouldn't you let me take you out over the weekend Oh, I'm sorry I have a date with a very sporty friend of mine and if I go with him He'll take me to the El Rancho Vegas and let me play roulette He'll take you to the La Brea Toppits and let you pitch pennies I wouldn't I wouldn't blame Marilyn as he left this program and went back to England You haven't done a thing person since she's been with us Lou. Oh, no, no about that lovely big person I said you you mean that manhole cover. That was no ordinary manhole cover That one came from Beverly Hills Why don't you think it about costel? I'm the man for you you and I would get along together like ham and eggs That's a bit folks always put them so first with you and Lou But I wish you'd both stop fighting over me Marilyn's right. Gacela. You fight over like a dog fighting over a bone Brother when there's that much meat on a bone. I'll fight over it every time All let's forget about me boys, how are you making out on your new picture? Well, you see me that picture Marilyn. I played the part of a reckless gambler. I'm a big plunger You're a what a big plunger. Oh, that's fine. If I'll think ever get stopped up. I'll give you a call Let's turn it on on our singing gal from England. Oh, that's great for us and it's great for everybody listening Here she is folks Marilyn Williams with Maddie Malmick's music from the new Broadway musical where's Charlie? Here's a song I like my darling. I've wanted to call you my darling Oh many and many My courage just Used to that name my For many and many Didn't played like a starling My courage just melted away Of a small job washing the windows of the course girls restaurant job Washing winners of the course girls dressing room. What could you see in that plenty after I get him clean? Mike got me the job. He's a pretty big man in his town Your uncle Mike is a nobody that's all well last night my uncle Mike was invited to a big Hollywood sneak preview But your uncle Mike is not in pictures. Why was he invited to a big sneak preview? He's one of the biggest sneaks in town And he's also just like you always broke he is not my uncle Mike has a great reputation He can walk into any bank in Hollywood all he has to say is four words and they give him all the money He wants one of the four words. This is a stick up I don't say you're at me puts up with Mike Well, they get along pretty good. I can't see it. Uncle Mike is the boss in this house Aunt may runs a kitchen and she tells the cook what to do. She tells the maid what to do and she tells the gardener What to do? What about Mike? He can say anything he wants to the cat Well, at least he's got some home life cuz tell her why don't you find a nice woman that that's the home time I got one last night. I said her. Let's go out for dinner. She said no Lewis I'll cook dinner for you. Now. I said how's about going to an eye club and she said no Lewis We'll stay homeless in the radio and save money. Oh, wait a minute. She sounds wonderful. But where did you meet her? My father introduced me to her. What what did he say? He says Lewis? This is your mother Yeah, tell me why don't you find a nice girl and and ask her to marry you I did have it I asked that little blonde school teacher next door to marry me. Then what did she say? She said that's my father. Well, did you ask her father? He didn't appeal to me I Mr. Costello, I've got a note for you This time he beat the door is Mr. Costello Costello got a note for you here. No for Costello. All right, take it Lou. Who's the problem Lou? It's a fan note from one of my listeners. Oh your portrayal of Sam shovel private detective on the radio is my favorite program It's so funny that last week while listening to you. I simply died laughing. I'm coming to the studio tonight. I Hope he gets in this time Mr. Costello is someone here to see you. Who is it? It coughs with a smile on his face I'm scared in half the people in the country today. What about the other half the Thomas committee will take care of them Never mind that. What is your same shovel story for tonight? It's one of my most famous cases I call it the case of the boy named Tony whose mother kept him locked in the closet or Tony's home permanent Sounds interesting. Well, let's get on with the case I'm Sam shovel private detective. I'm sitting in my little office with my legs crossed the hard way the hard way They hide my back I'm sitting here typing a report on a famous criminal In the criminal art of the typewriter I turn to my desk and pick up a piece of paper. Don't rain me for so long It's notepaper I decide to clean up my desk and throw all the old bills into the wastebasket That was my light bill That was the water bill That was just plain bill Plants down at the desk there lies a full run of one of my early cases The case of the murders with a long golden hair I made a lot of money out of that case. She was a beauty I was dying to meet her. I spoke to her in Kansas City, but she gave me the brush I tried to talk to her in Cleveland, but she gave me the brush in Washington She gave me the brush in Buffalo. She gave me the brush. I never got a queen of wither, but I made a fortune selling her brushes It's about time for my pal lieutenant amateur the homicide squad to show up Every day he drops into my office to chew the fat I wish habit would stop chewing the fat my arm was full of teeth marks The dark clothes That's lieutenant Abbott. He's a brilliant man. He hasn't spoken for three pages Now he comes on with a line bristling with yomer saying hello sam shovel Sam you're in why do you stay cooped up here all day? Why don't you hire a typist to do your office work? I had a typist lieutenant, but I had to let her go. She could only type with one finger. Why? She had only one finger She came from a very poor family. She had nine thumbs Typist with nine thumbs every time she hit that space bar the typewriter jumped off the desk Any new cases today sam? Yes, a guy came in here this morning and told me he shot both of his aunts He put six bullets in one of them and four bullets in the other and he wanted my advice well What uh, what you're telling them to do? I said go home and get the lead out of your aunts Sam I've got a case for you. The chief wants you to shout out striptease susie the burlesque And see if you can get something on her What clothes You know Do you know striptease susie fam? No matter who it is. I'll get it I saw her on the stage one. She came out to do her fan dance a mouse ran out in front of her and susie dropped her fans What happened the mouse fainted Well forget about that case sam how would you like to help me collect some evidence against waterfront lill I think her cafe on the river bank is a hangout for the smugglers, but I need more information I'll help you lieutenant have it. I'll go down there with you Hand me my fishing pole and that can of heat What do you want with the beat? I'm gonna worm the information out of her All right Sam you're a tough detective waterfront lill used to be your girl and here here you are ready to double cross it Yes, lieutenant have it. I'm a detective through and through Why I double cross my brother Hello sam get out of here before I double cross you. Who is that my brother? Now come on sam we're going to waterfront lill's cafe toughest part of town The hangout for tramps cut totes and vagrants Suddenly the exciting order of taboo perfume fills the waterfront air I wonder where it's coming from. It's me. I'm covered with taboo perfume. Who are you? Oh just a fragrant vagrant No matter what we give Abbott's nephew he gets nothing I Check every week Hey sam, there's waterfront lill cafe over there. I don't like the looks of that place lieutenant Why not sailor just come out of the door and he's walking down the street holding his girl's arm Lots of sailors walk down the street holding their girl's arm while the girl is still in the cafe We walked toward the cafe lieutenant Abbott was looking left and right he has shift the eyes He shifted him in a second Together we enter the sloon through the doors They were swinging doors They were really swinging tonight place was full of tough mugs a guy eight feet tall walked towards him He was a long shoreman. He was a long I just got it myself He'd just script once in a while Abbott He was the longest shoreman I ever saw He took a punch at lieutenant Abbott's chin Abbott has a glass jaw I wasn't going to stand there and let that man do that to my friend lieutenant Abbott This man was eight feet tall. So I hit him with a left. I hit him with a right I hit him with another left another right. I knocked him down Then I took his crutches away and broke his pencils I looked up waterfront little was standing beside me He was more beautiful than ever She spoke Hello sam Hello miss waterfront Call me lil you gorgeous hunk of man Okay, lil you gorgeous hunk of man Never mind the romance and sam you've got to find out if she's a smuggler Okay Don't let her know you're after information Okay, take it easy. All right. Okay. Lil are you a smuggler? I'll tell you if you promise not to turn me over to the police I promise you won't turn me over. Why should I turn you over? You can't look any better on the other side You're so sweet Come here. I'm gonna give you a kiss that will take the curl out of your hair Well, I Sam sam speak to me a little ten and Abbott call up my mother and tell her i'm no longer a tony twin Oh Well, l you got your glass i'm taking you in. Oh, no, you're not you'll never take me alive quick sam put the handcuffs on her He got me I'm shot. Oh, I'm sorry sam quick lieutenant call an ambulance. We'll take sam to the hospital No, no not the ambulance sam. Don't don't you don't you want to go to the hospital? Yes, but I ain't writing to no ambulance through that los angeles traffic A man can get killed that way out walk or quick get him out of here Some mad men aren't through with you yet right now. They want you to hear this Sam shovel tonight Thank you, but Abbott you're full of pep. Yes, sir. You you certainly were effervescent tonight Did you ever see me when I ever fussed? Ever fussed Now I know what happened to baron munchausen's writers. We've got them. Oh good night folks. Good night everybody Listen each thursday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in hollywood by charles vanda And featuring maryland williams and mary malnick and his orchids cross Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment, which follows