 So we've got very hard lighting. I'm gonna be doing a get ready with me while I'm talking to you guys. This video is something that I saw on that Twitter. I saw it linked to on Twitter, so I just have to read it out and then give you my opinion. Nothing tastes as good as Skinny feels. Let me tell you what Skinny feels like to me. Skinny was exhausting like I've never felt before. Skinny was fear of anyone, even my family looking at me. Skinny was crying at the dinner table being screened of Edie drowned out the pleas of my family. Skinny was excruciating lip pain and stomach pain and that made me double over and beg for relief. Skinny was being unable to sing up my idol's concert because my throat was burned from my own self-destruction. Skinny was being disappointed when I woke up every morning because Skinny was panic attack because it made me want to and try to claw my own eyes out. Skinny was guilt and self-disgust when my mother held me and cried because her daughter was dying every minute because after all that I truly believe that nothing tastes as good as Skinny feels. Well I had this slice of cake yesterday and let me tell you what it tasted like. It tasted like freedom from shackles. I'd have imprisoned me for five years. It said the strength that vomiting and starvation could never have given me. Nothing tastes as good as Skinny feels. Bullshit. So I found that I wanted to talk today about eating disorders and how life-ruining they are and what better way to do that than to film and get ready with me. It's anyone who doesn't have a history of eating disorders. I was initially diagnosed as anorexic and I'm currently diagnosed with EDNOS which is sort of not the way I specify it. For me that means I either go through phases of binge eating or phases of starvation. Currently I'm in one of the bingey phases. I'm in a bingey phase at the moment. It's not great. My body doesn't like it too much. I need to sort of make up boxes back home. I'm not doing much make up. I'm meeting up with one of my friends today. When it comes to me at the moment with my eating disorder I'm struggling with it. I'm not going to lie to you guys and say that it's all okay you know. I mean when I was in hospital the other day that was because of an overdose but the sugar levels they were low because I had them in eating and it's scary because like I know the long-term damage that eating disorders cause. I know and I understand that so why I still proceeded to do it? I don't know and I can't justify it. Like I wish I could justify it because then I could like understand it myself. Life doesn't work like that. I think this one might be a bit too dark for my skin. I keep doing that. I keep buying the wrong shade of foundation but I got a problem. I will point out I never pay full price for my high-end stuff. I go to TK mat and I get it there because it's you know cheaper and you know I'm not making money so gotta do what you gotta do. People are wondering what I'm doing to my face. This is just how I do my makeup. I know it's not the right way. When it comes to eating disorders they manifest themselves in different ways shapes and forms and for me I say I go from binging to starving. I think yes I'm trying to like really get gripped with it this year like I'm trying so hard you like I'm fine you know you know I'm I'm fine. Don't need like help but it's also like I know I need help with it because I already know that I can't do it on my own. So I struggle so much with it because when it comes to eating disorders I don't know in other countries but I know in the UK if you're not on deaf store and you're not dying you're not getting to see me in disorder. You're not you're not under eating disorder to you. Been under eating disorder teams in the past and it did really help me. I was under them when I was dealing with anorexia and it did help like the support they gave me they gave me confidence to eat again because I just I stopped eating. I just didn't eat and even when I wanted to I couldn't bring myself to do it because if I did I'd be sick. Eating disorders are deadly like eating disorders are one of the most deadly psychiatric illnesses out there. Like I said currently I'm diagnosed with eating disorder not otherwise specified which just me which is basically a mixture of lemia and anorexia like basically do both and I think it's different for everyone but I think that's like the main criteria for it. I've had that diagnosis pretty much since I hear a healthy way because I've never like fully recovered with eating disorder like I've always had issues with food and do you know what I probably always will because they don't just go away and they're extremely hard to deal with. I'm not trying to get rid of it forever I'm trying to make life livable again. When I saw that post I it felt so true to what I go through because I remember beats like starving and my family would beg me to eat. It was hard it was emotional you know what I mean like because eating disorders gets such high grips on you like you can't fight them off on your own. When I was reading that poem it did struck right it was like you know it it hit reality very hard. Currently I'm using the Jeffree Star thing lip gloss that Louise sent me. Shout out to Louise. Eating disorders don't have a lot. They don't have you'd have to look us in a way to have an eating disorder because eating disorders coming all shapes and sizes and I know as I people say oh you're fat you can't have an eating disorder and it's like one I don't why put weight on don't need to point that out. There's more than just anorexia when it comes to eating disorders. There's so much more to it and I think that's so important to say because I feel like why do I feel like it it consumes a lot of my life. It is consuming and it is debilitating and you know what it's fucking hard like it is hard to go through. It's hard to you know recover from an eating disorder because they take such hard grips on everything that you do. They make you feel like you're something you're not. They turn you into this monster that you never thought you'd be. When it comes to food now I still struggle like I said last night I had a bingey moment yesterday during the day. I wasn't hungry like life just varies on such a high level that's pretty much impossible to tell when someone's struggling. You can't just be like oh well they can't be struggling because of this or because of this or because of this because you don't know what that person's going through. You know like what I said eating disorders come in every shape every size say that just because someone's got a bit more weight on a new year that they don't have a new year. You can't say to someone like you're eating disorders not valid because you're not this way. With the eating disorder community there's a lot competition of being like the lowest weight or the most sick and that part of it is f***ing sickening because it's essentially encouraging people to be ill. I'm making a whole video talking about like the pro community and that winds me up. You're gonna see very well don't you? The poem that I read at the start is so true. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels is complete bullshit. Starving yourself is painful. It's emotional. It breaks you. Emotionally breaking like it hurt like physically it hurt. You feel like she felt there's nothing you can do to change it and I wouldn't be s*** on my waist anyway. A bit of a little ramble about eating disorders so I hope you enjoyed it and I hope my face looks a bit presentable the first time in a while and I'm gonna go. Thank you for watching thank you for being here and if you are new hit subscribe button. If you've got any questions you'd like me to read out in a Q&A that is coming soon leave them in the comments down below and I'll answer them as soon as I can. Thank you and goodbye.