 We invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Nash with Alan Reed. A year ago when Luigi Vasco left Italy to start his new life in America, he promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Vasco in Italy. Dear Mamma Mia, America is a land of many wonderful things, and the most wonderful thing is the radio. This intervention must be to keep people in the streets, because all the time I hear a man say, run out to your nearest grocer. Yesterday I listened to my favorite story, Mamma Mia Perkins. And the three times that the man has chased me out to my grocery. So I'm a make up of my mind the next week I'm going to hear a whole story. I'm bringing a grocer to my house. Anyway, Mamma Mia, I'm a try to be real American. Man on a radio says a run to grocery and a buy coffee. I buy coffee. He says a run to a drugstore or buy razor blades. I buy razor blades. Or tonight there's a come on a program at Grand Central station. I'm going to turn it the right off. Mamma Mia, I'm not going to buy the super chief. But the Mamma Mia, I'm going to learn a lot from a radio. But I'm going to learn even more from my night to school class. Miss Spaulding, she's a smart and a beautiful teacher. And when she's a hold of my hand in hers to teach him a penmanship, I feel like my fountain of pen is going to faint. Well, it's a time for my class, so I'm going to go for more education. And maybe more penmanship. All right, class. All right, quiet. I'll call the roll. Mr. Basco. President. Mr. Horowitz. President. Mr. Olson. President. Mr. Schultz. I know you're here, but I didn't bring a present. Mr. Schultz, please. Now, class, I have an important announcement to make. In as much as our little class is six months old, I've decided to hold an essay contest. The essay will be on what is America. Now, you all know what an essay is, of course. Oh, but certainly, of course. Yes, Mr. Schultz. An essay is abbreviation for South America. No, no. What then is abbreviation for South America? S-B? No, it's essay. You see, I was right. I was right. I'm Horowitz right. Please, Mr. Schultz, please. To tell you the truth, it was a lucky guess. Mrs. Spaulding, I think I know what is an essay. Essay is something you write. That's right, Mr. Baskow. And I want everyone in the class to prepare an essay. I've invited a few of our local dignitaries to judge this contest. And this coming Tuesday night in our auditorium will have refreshments. You can bring your friends, and each of you will address the group. Address the group? My goodness, isn't there going to be very no clothes? That is not what I mean. What do you mean? Speech, Mr. Schultz. Speech. Misch-Baulding and fellow Horowitz. I love them, because I am the one. All right, all right, Mr. Schultz. That's fine. But save it for the contest. Now, one of our local merchants is going to donate a prize, and we expect to have a good crowd. Probably two or three hundred people. Mr. Baskow, what are you writing? I'm writing an author telling you I'm going to be sick at those tonight. You don't have to be jittery, Mr. Baskow. Everyone there will be your friends. Oh, and here's a bit of advice. When you get up on that stage, just keep saying, I'm not nervous, I'm not nervous, I'm not nervous. All right, but while I'm selling that, who's going to make a speech for me? Luigi, wait, wait, wait for me. Luigi, you walk so fast. I'm so poofed I'm going to pop. You know, Schultz, I like more than anything to win this contest. But I'm here only one a year, and I know so little about America. Luigi, I'm here thirty years, and I'm just as stupid as you are. Look, Luigi, if you think you don't know enough about America, why don't you go speak to people who do know? Like your postman, Frank. Schultz, I'm learning nothing from my postman. I talk to him every morning since I've been here, and all the way they say the same thing. What's that? My feet is a killin' me. And talk to your banker. Say, Luigi, why don't you go to your friend Alderman Johnson? That's right. Alderman Johnson. He doesn't know everything about America. I go right or not to say, but thank you, Schultz. Schultz, and do you never nervous when you got America's speech? Well, I never was before, Luigi, but now maybe I will be. You see, I got a trick. When I make a speech, I never think there's people out in front of me. I'm always imagining they're sitting there, Betty Grable, Lana Turner, Hedy Lamar, and Rita Haver. Why you say you're nervous now? Because lately there's a new face in the audience. Ali Carr. Hello, Mr. Alderman Johnson. You remember me? I was here last week. Well, certainly. I know every voter in my district. Never forget a face. Here, what's your name? Luigi Bosco. You see, I guessed it. Well, what can I do for you, Bosco? Mr. Alderman Johnson, if you wasn't going to make a speech about America, what would you say? Well, that's simple. America, land of the free, home of the brave, country of unequaled opportunity where every man can vote as he pleases. And I promise you've elected to guarantee... Police! ...a chicken in every pot, two cars in every garage. Mr. Johnson. All right, three cars. Mr. Johnson. You don't get another car if you drop dead. Mr. Alderman, I was asking you about America. Oh, yes. America, my favorite country. America, the broad, wide land where 140 million Americans are joined together into one great union. I always thought there was a two unions, AFL and a CIO. The USA, land of the free, home of the brave. And I promise if I'm elected... Alderman Johnson, Alderman Johnson, please. I'm appreciate the very much what you're telling me. But where can I get to the facts about America and the history? Well, you can go to the public library, but you won't find out more than I know why my head's filled with facts. Let me tell you about the pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock in 1776. Excuse it, there was a 16 at 20. Let me quote you, Lincoln's Gettysburg's address. I have but one life to give to my country. Wasn't it for a score and a 70 years ago? Oh, the unforgettable words of Paul Revere on his famous horse ride at midnight. I do not choose to run. Wasn't it one if by land and a two if by sea? Basko, you'd better go to the library. How do you expect to learn anything if you keep interrupting me? She's my friend. Hello, Luigi. Hello, hello. Hello, Pascuali. That's the matter with you, Luigi. Your face is looking like it's lost. It's the best of friends. Well, Pascuali, it's a long story. I got to make a speech about America and I'm trying to get to some facts. Schultz could not help me. So I went to my alderman and then I go to the library. Sure, sure. Go to everybody except the fellow that's bringing you from the older country, Pascuali. What's happened and that thing? Why are you running like a crazy caterpillar around the tree when all the time you could have come straight to the sap? You're so right, Pascuali. Nobody's a bigger sapper than you. That's a funny thing. When I say it, it's the sound of death for it. Well, Pascuali, I'm now coming to you for a help. A lady in the library said, before I can get a card, I must get a two character reference who signed a paper for me. Well, a library. I've come with the educated demand. Give me the paper, I read. Oh, duee persone filmare che tattu più protezione. Pascuali, where do you see Italian words? I'm a just a translator so I can understand what I'm going to read. Luigi, I'm glad that the sign is the paper for you and I'm going to get another signature for you too. Thank you, Pascuali. My country, my friend. Sure, a countryman should have helped each other out. Luigi, I do you a favor. Maybe you do me a little favor. Sure, Pascuali. One-handed should always a wash up of the other. Good. I'm the sign of paper for you. You sign of paper for me. All right, Pascuali. What the paper you want to, I should sign. A marriage license to my daughter Rose. It's nothing to do, Pascuali, nothing to do. Your daughter Rose is a two-fatter for me. You call it 250 pounds of fat? That's a skinny. Too much of skin. Luigi, you bad a businessman. How much is the way normal a girl? What, 125 pounds? So my Rose is the way 250. You lucky fellow, you got two girls for one price. Luigi, be sensible. You marry my daughter and I'm going to pay for a free honeymoon to Niagara Falls for you and your Rose. It's a no deal, Pascuali. I'm going to Niagara Falls with a barrel. Luigi, you're making me so mad I would have thrown you out of the store in a second if I could have found another boo but to get stuck with a Rose. Pascuali, you mean are you not going to sign the celebrity paper? I'm answering you in two words. End all. Now, Mr. Speechmaker, what are you going to have to say to his tonight there? I'm going to be there with a Rose and the rest of the crowd. Who could we all laugh at you like a bigger boo? Not yet, Pascuali. I'm going to get it to other people to sign. Oh, sure. And who's the good side of you in my broken down little antique deal, eh? What two people are you going to get? See, is it a Roebuck? Flotsam and a Jetsam? I.J. and a Fox? All right. Go ahead, the microphone, Pascuali. But I find the two people. They sign up for me, then I go to the library and I go to the library. Cyclopedia? Luigi, my son, a merry Rosa, I'll buy you a bicycle. Pascuali, Cyclopedia is a mean of book. What? Out of my store, you stupid fool. Now, even if you want a merry Rosa, I don't want you. What? Any man who's crazy enough to ride around on a book is a don of belonging to my family. And now, for the second act of Luigi Vasco's Adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. And so Mamma Mia looks like I'm not going to win a speech kind of test on what is America. Because I'm not going to get two character references for library. Pascuali, he's turning me down. And he's going to make everybody else turn me down. Only two people who'd be willing to sign up for my character that are now in Italy. Uncle Pietro and his a goat. And Uncle Pietro, he can't assign his a name. So I go back to library and I tell a lady, I'm going to make a bargain with her. Instead of taking a big Cyclopedia and giving her two reference, I'm going to take a smaller book and give her one of reference. She's going to say no. So I say, how about I take a pamphlet and I leave her my hat for deposit. She's going to say no. I guess maybe my hat doesn't fit her. Anyway, I'm sitting in my antique store wondering what I should do next. One of the door is a suddenly open up. Well, Luigi, my fellow boob. Are you all ready to win the contest on what is America tomorrow night? Sure, she's a worse than that. I'm going to think I'm going to have a nothing to say. But that's too bad, Luigi, but that's good for me. Without you, I think maybe tomorrow night it's America. Well, smile, Luigi, smile. Remember that behind every dark cloud is peeping a little tarp. Hey, Schultz. Schultz. You know something? I'm just to get an idea. You're a business man. Maybe you sign a character reference for me in library so I can take out the books. Books, my Luigi, without books. You know, I got one book in my delicatessen for the last two years. It takes so long to read. Who reads? I tear out the pages and wrap up herrings in it. Schultz. Please sign it as a paper for me so I can get a book from a library. But I love to, Luigi, but I can't sign. You see, this book I'm talking about belongs to the library and it's overdue. You see, I got it since January the 2nd. Well, Schultz, it's only since January the 2nd. 1911? No, no, no. Mr. Schultz, if nobody is going to sign for me, I think I'm going to write it out to miss Spalding and tell her I'm out of the country. No, no, Luigi, wait a minute. If you only want to study in the book, just go to the library in the research room. You mean it's not necessary to have a kind of... Of course not. Schultz, thank you for this information. Listen up to the library. Goodbye. Goodbye, Luigi. Wait a minute. When you walk out of the library, you should see a nice fat book with a lot of pages. You see, I'm running short for my hairings. Oh, no, no, no. Goodbye, Schultz. Rika, I love you. You like a papa to me. Excuse me, Miss Library Lady. My friend, he's telling me something about the research. Yeah? So, for your no mind, I'm a like to search this place. If you tell me what you're looking for, sir, perhaps I can help you. Well, I'm a like to study a book on what is America. And if you give me advice, I'll be happy to listen. What era? What era? Lady, you can talk in either one. I'm a hear good and a boat. Any particular date? Well, I'm interested in a finding out... Great, please. I'm sorry. There are people reading. You'll have to lower your voice. All right, then. Too low. I'm interested in a finding out... Too low. I'm interested. How's that? Good. I'm interested in a finding out... Right, please. Just go over to that filing cabinet. Look under the A's and you'll find hundreds of books listed under America. Thank you so much. Hmm, so quiet to hear. Everybody's a rift for themselves. Guess if they don't want nobody else to enjoy. Ah, here's the cabinet. Oh, there's a little card in front of each box. Let me see what this first card is to say. A to bug. That's so funny. Libraries have got a bug. Well, I'm a looker for book. I'll pull out this to draw. Oh, I guess I pulled out the too far. I'm sorry, people. Quiet, please. Ah, there. Drawers are back and now I'm looking at two cards. A lot of cards under America. Hey, what's this? America C... Excuse me, Miss Library Lady. This is a card to say I should see you. What? Sure, and this is a card to say America C... That's U.S. Well, that's us. It means United States. Look under you. Huh? What am I going to find under me? In the card cabinet, United States. Oh, all right. Thank you. Now, this is the time I pull him out the slow. Now, mommy, a shorter draw. I wonder what's happened to that other fella. Maybe he's to go home. Well, I looker for book. United States, also see under. He's back. I'm sorry. United States, see Columbia. Columbia, Columbia. Columbia, gem of the ocean. See, God bless America. God bless America. See, Irving of Berlin. Mommy, I'm going to spend all this time looking for America and I'm going to wind up in a Berlin. I try under A again. In America, America. Rise of America. Hey, that's a good. Rise of America and a civilization by Charles and the Mary beard. I miss the library, lady. Please, I'd like to see this book on America by Charles and the Mary. What's the last thing? I don't know, but they both got a beard. No, that's not the right. The Mary can't have a beard. Well, you must mean the rise of American civilization by Charles and Mary beard. The book is right here on the shelf. Here, take it. Please try to be quiet and sit down. Excuse me, please. What time I go through for that a speech? Hey, wait a minute. This is a book. Look good. I read. The first man to reach America was a Norseman named Lief Erickson. That's a big lie. Hey, library lady. What about the Christopher Columbus? Why? You must leave country. I don't have to ask you to leave. I don't have to. I'll have to ask you to leave. Please, I'd be quiet. It's too late. You'll have to go now. But I know got a speech. You've made too much noise. Please leave now. This way out. Mamma mia. For a lot of time I'm learning a library. I can adjust to see myself standing up in auditorium in front of a squally and arrested of people tomorrow night, and all I'm going to be able to say is quiet, please. In conclusion, fellow poofers and classmates, let me say America is just like a big delicatessen. In the north is Alami. In the south is Bologna. In the east is our crowd. And in the west is California. I'll thank you. Thank you, Mr. Schultz. Well, we've heard from almost everyone in the class, and now we'll hear from our last speaker, Mr. Luigi Vasco. Mrs. Spaulding, I've got only one thing to say. What's that? I'm not to hear. Come now, Mr. Vasco. Everybody was just as nervous as you. Now come on up here on the stage. Come on. That's it. Fine. Ladies and gentlemen, business of people and a guest of honor. I'm going to have lots of trouble of finding out information and stuff about America. So I'm not to have a regular speech. I'm going to not have anything from a book. All I can tell you about what is America. America is now a little more than a year since I'm arrived in America. How I'm going to remember exciting a speech, Captain, he makes on a boat. He tells how America is a big melting pot. He says, if you want to enjoy the pot, you got to melt it. Captain is a talker so much about the melting pot that by the time I step off of the boat, I'm a feel like a beef stew. But now, now I know what do the Captain mean. America is a place where everybody is alive and nice together. Only I think Captain America won a mistake. Here is a fast. Everything is a speed, a quick. People is a hustle and a bustle and a rush. Fast, always in a hurry. America is not the melting pot. It's a pressure cooker. What is a pressure cooker what I like? Because, well, take our own class. We got the Miss Spaulding, Schultz, Orlison, Horowitz, and the Maybaskar, and the we all best of a friend. I'm a proud of America. Someday I become a citizen. I hope America is a bit proud of me. Well, I think I'm a finish. Well, now that the speeches are over, the judges will select the winners. In the meantime, there are refreshments in the back. Thank you. Luigi, you big fool. Just like I must say, your speeches are so bad that nobody's even a clap of hands for you. I'm a feel of bad enough. All right, Luigi, maybe this is going to teach you a lesson. Forget about a foolish night of school and education. That's enough for you. You should get married like every normal man. Maybe you're right, Pasquale, but who's going to marry a doper like me? I got a just to the right to match you. Rosa! Rosa! Rosa! Rosa, say hello to Luigi. Rosa! Rosa, even though this is Luigi, he's the dumbest, the most stupid, the biggest, the green horn of boob. I think he was still willing to marry him. We are now ready to announce the winner of our contest. In the unanimous opinion of the judges, who, like you, were so touched, they were unable to applaud, I am happy to say it is Mr. Luigi Vasco. Mama, mama mia. Mr. Fisher, one of our judges, would like to make a special award. Thank you, Ms. Baldwin. Mr. Vasco, I understand you had quite a bit of trouble trying to get a library card. I happen to be the head librarian for this district, and it gives me great pleasure to present you with a library card of your own. But I have to have a two-character reference. Mr. Vasco, a man of your character doesn't need reference. Mama mia, he's a wonderful. But the Pasquale, you make him feel so terrible, like the worst of the day of my life. But then no more. From now on, I'm never coming to your store again, never. And now for the award, which was so generously donated by one of our local businessmen, Mr. Pasquale. What? Mr. Vasco, you have just won two weeks' free meals at Pasquale Spaghetti Palace. Mama mia, I love my son. We're by pasta. Life with Luigi is a Psy Howard production, and is written by Mack Benhoff, Lou Derman and Psy Howard, and stars J. Carol Nash as Luigi Vasco with Alan Reed as Pasquale. Music is under the direction of Lynn Murray, Bob Stephenson speaking. This is CBS for Columbia Broadcasting System.