 SCP-729-J Object Class-Keter BAM, you all! Guys, you're hurting his feelings, he's just trying to help! SCP-729-J Fine. BAM, you'll it is. Special containment procedures. SCP-729-J currently resides in Dr. Niles Hesse's office on her desk, where, pray to God it will stay. Request testing at your own risk. It breaches containment and an alarm in frequency, but even MTF-NU7 hammered down refuses to go near the fucking thing, so it does whatever the hell it wants. We are all at its mercy. Dr. Hess has been commanded to turn in SCP-729-J for it to be properly contained, as soon as someone can get up the courage to write her an email. Description SCP-729-J is supposed to be a toy, but I want to know who the sick fuck was that wanted to give this thing the children. The label says it's made of polyester fiber, but we all know it's made of the Devil's couch stuffing or something. Its reign of terror began during a containment breach of SCP-106. SCP-106 had managed to trap Dr. Hess in her office and had successfully corroded a hole in the door when it caught sight of that goddamn thing, I mean SCP-729-J. SCP-106 stopped moving completely and began staring at SCP-729-J, showing no interest in Dr. Hesson. SCP-106 then began moving backwards out of Dr. Hess' office, never breaking visual contact with that eldritch horror, I mean SCP-729-J, until it reached the end of the hall and promptly rematerialized back into its containment cell. It should be noted that SCP-106's middle fingers were raised for the entirety of the encounter with SCP-729-J. SCP-106's reaction is, frankly, perfectly understandable, and several researchers who witnessed the event were found huddling with SCP-106 in its containment cell. Testing Logs SCP-106 Effects SCP-106 screeched upon being introduced and assumed to form identical to SCP-729-J. SCP-106 has not changed form since the encounter. SCP-1322 Effects SCP-729-J was sent through the wormhole to the SCP-1322 Society. It was returned six minutes later, tied to a white flag. SCP-303 Effects When Dr. Hesson was told to walk through a door with 303 on the other side, while holding SCP-729-J, SCP-303 promptly opened the door for Dr. Hesson and ushered her through before quickly exiting the room, with Dr. Hesson showing no sign of the usual fear response. SCP-303 was found six hours later in an abandoned storage closet, in a fetal position, sucking its thumb. SCP-3000 Effects SCP-729-J was put on a fishing hook and lowered into the sea, to where the current position of SCP-3000 was found with radar. After two hours of lowering it into the sea, Dr. Starlin complained about a cramp in his hand from unwinding the fishing pole, and Dr. Bayer took over. Another 50 minutes later, the assumed death of SCP-3000 was reached. After two minutes, a tug was felt on the fishing pole, and SCP-3000's presence swiftly disappeared from the radar. As Dr. Bayer also complained of his hand hurting, retrieval of the end of the fishing line was postponed. I told them both they should do stretches beforehand, but no! We play Halo every Friday! Our wrists are trained! Should have listened, Dr. Bayer. The next day, after proper warm-up, SCP-729-J was successfully retrieved, along with a crudely written note attached to it, reading, Alright, I thought we had a deal. I turned some consciousness to spaghetti, and you guys get your regretty for Giddy. But okay, you won. You get the forgetty stuff for free, lifetime supply. But please, just this one condition. Keep that thing out of my ocean. I'll go for a while. I need to calm down. SCP-055 Effects Dr. Hesson walked into the containment chamber of SCP-055 holding SCP-729-J. About five minutes later, the containment chamber opened, and a Calico cat ran into Dr. Hesson's office. Oh, Pudding, come here, I brought a new friend for you. Wait, we even had a 055, and it's a cat named Pudding? Dr. Axum SCP-650 Effects After being exposed to SCP-729-J, SCP-650 did not appear immediately behind Dr. Hesson, as it usually does with others, nor was it inside its containment cell. A containment breach alert was sounded as per protocol. SCP-650 was found seven hours later inside of a storage closet, curled up into a ball. It did not move for approximately 12 hours. SCP-1048 Effects When exposed to SCP-729-J, all copies made by SCP-1048 became immobile, and have not regained mobility since exposure. SCP-1048 appeared alarmed by this, making a gesture like the sign of the cross, and retreated behind its copies. SCP-1048 regained the ability to make copies of itself when SCP-729-J was removed. It now frequently produces art that depict SCP-729-J as monstrous in some form, and cowards have shown a picture of SCP-729-J. Not even the teddy? Poor Mr. Bones, he just wants some friends. Try 2317. Maybe then a hell of a beast can be with its own kind. It wouldn't play with him either. My god. SCP-682 Effects Long story short, we reclassed SCP-682 as neutralized. You don't even want to fucking know how this little fucker killed it. Dr. Foxfield SCP-076 Effects SCP-729-J was placed inside SCP-076's containment area when scans showed that SCP-076-2's heart was beginning to beat. All humans exited the room, and researchers watched behind a camera. When SCP-076-2 got out of SCP-076-1, instead of looking for the nearest human, he looked straight at SCP-079-J. SCP-076-2 materialized an American M9 flamethrower and a corresponding fuel pack. He attempted to use it on SCP-729-J, but the flamethrower did nothing to it. When SCP-076-2 ran out of fuel and saw that SCP-079-J was unharmed, he ran back into SCP-076-1 and curled up into a ball. Sounding sounds were coming from the inside of SCP-076-1. It has been two weeks, and SCP-076-2 has yet to come out of that position. SCP-073 Effects When exposed to SCP-729-J, SCP-073 took a cup of water and proceeded to bless it. SCP-073 then vocalized the phrase, «Fuck off, dick nips!» and soaked the little shit in the holy water. SCP-073 remained under a table for the remainder of the test, with its fingers in the form of a cross. SCP-187 Effects Upon being exposed to SCP-729-J, SCP-187 began to vomit and frothed the mouth. SCP-187 displays rapid emotional changes, switching from screaming and babbling to squealing and cooing. SCP-187 is immediately removed. Upon being interviewed, SCP-187 said, «How can such a thing be so ungodly yet so cute? SCP-187 is currently undergoing therapy. SCP-1915 Effects SCP-729-J is exposed to SCP-1915. Upon exposure, SCP-1915 explained while raising his arms high into the air, «I quit!» SCP-1915 breaches containment and SCP-1915 is currently believed to be conversing with SCP-3812 about the futility of narratives and plot points, currently debating which of their creators has the smallest dick. SCP-4812-K Effects SCP-729-J is launched straight at SCP-4812-K. SCP-4812-K begins to scream and rise around, before charging towards SCP-225-1, killing itself. SCP-4812-S and E are reported at this time to breach containment, both self-terminating. SCP-729-J is retrieved and given back hastily by the GOC, stated it killed the Aerox entity by landing on it. No, upon being asked how he is still capable of talking and reacting in a calm and stoic manner around that goddamn thing, Dr. Gears spoke calmly stating, «I have actually soiled my pants the first time I looked at it, and now I have a super toilet in the observation deck, with a throw-up bucket and shower included. I honestly am as disgusted by it as you are. SCP-173 Effects Don't ask about it. No, the warhead did not destroy either of them. No, there was no grand battle. Yes, there was a discussion. No, do not go and try searching for the coitern or the... ████████████████ ██████████ No, not even the Wanderer's Library. Yes, they did don sabraros. No, we have yet to remove them. No, we will not try this again, lest we see an AZ-class Fiesta scenario. Yes, that is all we found in the second SCP-5000 suit that showed up in SCP-173's containment chamber. Green. I don't know, I think he looks cute with it. SCP-001 Effects. Tom Brady, quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, was abducted and forced to throw SCP-729-J in the SCP-001's radius. SCP-001 immediately looked at 729-J and bowed. A mouse-shaped opening appeared on SCP-001's head, and in a loud voice it said, My lord, SCP-001 then picked up 729-J and put it in the garden on the other side of the gate that SCP-001 guarded. 729-J was only able to be retrieved when SCP-001 was allowed to have SCP-999 for a day. Don't worry, Tom Brady was given, as SCP-3000 so gracefully put it, Regretti Fragiti, Doctor ██████, Head of the Amnestics Department. SCP-049 Effects. When exposed to SCP-729-J, SCP-049 appeared a stagger, grasping its head with its hand and falling to his knees stating, The pestilence. It's too strong. SCP-049 then attempted to crawl towards SCP-729-J, vocalizing, I must cure you, but fell to the ground and fell unconscious. Damn, guess that dude's too strong a plague even for SCP-049? Dr. Brian. Interview Log Interviewed, Dr. Hessein Interviewer, Dr. Yvane Forward, SCP-729-J was contained, if you can call it that, in Dr. Hessein's purse. Despite multiple pleas to please just put the goddamn thing away. Interview Log Dr. Hessein, tell us the means by which you obtained SCP-729-J. Dr. Yvane I mean, it was a little gift I ordered for myself online. Easter, you know. Interviewer, Dr. Yvane Nothing odd at all about its manufacturing? Dr. Yvane Nope. Interviewer, Dr. Yvane And yet we've scoured the factory where it was made for evidence of satanic rituals. Odd. Dr. Yvane But yeah, he came in the mail. It was one of those special scented ones. Interviewer, Dr. Yvane Dear God. I'm sorry I feasted upon your brethren. Let me live. It'll never happen again, I promise. Just have mercy. Interviewer, Dr. Yvane What is the nature of your immunity to SCP-729-J's effects? Dr. Yvane Properties? I mean, it's a plushie. I have it right here. Interviewer, Dr. Yvane Dr. Hessein begins removing SCP-729-J. Oh God, does she think we want that thing anywhere near us? Dr. Yvane No, no, no. Fuck, get that thing away from me. Interview Log Closing Statement Interview with Terminator due to imminent containment breach Dr. Yvane Item number SCP-420-J Object Class Awesome Dr. Yvane Hey man, that's not a real class. You gotta make it safe or something, Dr. Yvane Dr. Yvane Oh yeah, you're right, man. It's totally safe, Dr. Yvane Object Class Dr. Yvane Totally safe Dr. Yvane Special Containment Procedures Dr. Yvane We keep it down in room in the basement of building at site. The password is… Dr. Yvane What are you doing, man? You can't just tell everyone where we keep the… cause then everyone's gonna come down here and get some, Dr. Yvane Dr. Yvane Hey, you can't say… in the articles, man. Oh. Oh sh… Dr. Yvane Dr. Yvane Description Dr. Yvane Hey, so I got this stuff when we were down in Jamaica. Really strong stuff with lots of blue and red mixed in it. Good, man. Me and… We were smoking that stuff down there with… and skinny, when, says, he says to me, Dr. Yvane Hey man, we should take this stuff back and send it through that machine thing that changes things and makes things better. And I said that was an excellent idea, and so we did. Dr. Yvane Man, we tried it on Barry Fine first, and whoa, we were laughing for weeks. Sucks what happened to… still funniest, though, Dr. Yvane So we get this really great out of the machine, and me and… try it out. And we're like, whoa, man, that is some excellent… but then we used it all up and didn't have anything left but the seeds, and we figured we couldn't just get rid of them, so we decided to plant them and grow them, and then was like, hey man, what about that dirt that makes… grow real fast? And I said that was an excellent idea. So we went and got some dirt and planted the seeds in it, and whoa, man, that is some excellent experiment log, test one. We should give some of this to that big, lizard thing. It'll totally mellow him, Dr. Yvane Yeah, man, but what if it gets the munchies, Dr. Yvane Test two Dr. Yvane Man, I gave some of this to Josie, Dr. Yvane And she chased her tail for like… two hours, Dr. Note, animal testing of SCP-420-J is no longer allowed. Junior researcher has been identified in security footage, fleeing sight in a stolen maintenance vehicle with an SCP-420-J-affected canine. Further research pending, Dr. Jones Test three We should totally give some of this to Iris, man. Dr. Yvane Man, quit trying to get laid with that, Dr. Yvane Test four Oh, man, let's give some of this to, oh, what's his face, that kick-ass guy, Dr. Yvane How? I say, gentlemen, your SCP-420-J certainly causes one to experience the most extraordinary of sensations. This serves, indeed, quite excellent. Do that, Dr. Yvane Test five Hey, man, what if we give some of this to that freaky statue thing, Dr. Yvane Why, man? He's, like, already stoned. Dr. Yvane Disciplinary review Upon discovery of this extremely unprofessional behavior, all remaining samples of SCP-420-J have been confiscated. Dr. Clef Addendum Can anyone tell me why Dr. Clef just walked in here demanding stir-fried noodles, pizza, corn chips, and dark chocolate? He was smiling too. What the fuck? Cafeteria staff Addendum two Oh, man, he even took the stash of seeds in my… Dr. Sorry, man. I know a guy in… Dr. Addendum three Where can I score some of this? Dr. Fredrick Addendum four She also extended SCP-420-J Experiment Log Extended SCP-420-J Experiment Log Yeah, so remember a while back with me and… We got hold of that excellent… And we were like, Whoa, holy… That is excellent. And then we shared some of the… We had? Well… Like, dude, we should do that again, and I'm like, Yeah, man, we totally should. And so we did. Uh, test one. Hey, man, you're used that one the last thing, doctor. Oh yeah, hold on, let me count. Doctor Test A billion What the… Man, you can't count that high. Fix that. Doctor Test A Hey, man, I gave some of this to that dude with the arm. Doctor Did he like it, man? Doctor I think so, man. He gave me a thumbs up, doctor. Transcript SCP-1193-2-WDY-4 Begin recording April 1st, 2016, 1026AM Doctor Ernest Hello? Who is calling, please? SCP-1193-01 Dude! I'm sorry? Man, it's just… Dude! I'm sorry, I don't understand. What are you talking about? Dude, this is excellent, man. What's, um, this you're talking about? Oh, sorry, man. Gotta go, Dave's here. Call terminated in recording. Test B I gave some of this to those hot cat girl chicks, man. Doctor I told you, man, quit trying to get laid with that. Besides, man, they can totally kick your ass all the way back to LA. Doctor I know, man, they totally did. Totally worth it, though, man. These chicks really know how to get spaced out. Doctor Test C What if he gave some of this to that dude who doesn't like anybody? Maybe it'll mellow him out some, doctor. Go away, monkey, man. You don't deserve this. SCP-1171-1 Dude, that… worked. Doctor Test D Hey, man, what happened when you gave that to that basketball game? Doctor Oh, wow, man. It turned into a dead show. Doctor Ah. Yeah, man. Was Jerry there? Doctor Yeah, man. He looked pretty good, too, for, you know, being dead and all. Doctor Test E Hey, man, let's give some of this to that weird clown guy. Doctor I don't know, man. Clowns are some scary… Doctor Tell Harry, man. It'll be cool. Doctor Incident CN-0993-Q On April 8, 2016, a new episode of Bobble the Clown was intercepted. Episode Name Bobble Gets Baked Episode Description The episode begins with Bobble the Clown sitting on a couch smoking a comically oversized marijuana cigarette. Instead of the typical clown outfit, Bobble is wearing a Bob Marley T-shirt, a gray hoodie, and pajama bottoms decorated with marijuana leaves. The rest of Bobble's costume, hat, wig, makeup, nose, gloves, and shoes are as typical. The episode is divided into three segments. How to roll the perfect doobie, how to make a bong out of found materials, and how to take over the regional black market drug trade with ruthless efficiency. The last segment is by far the longest. It ends with a six-plus-minute montage of Bobble the Clown gunning down drug rivals using a wide variety of powerful firearms. I told you, clowns are scary as… Doctor Yeah, man, totally. But that clown knows as… Doctor Test F Man I tried to give some of this to that old dude who keeps getting cut up, but he just said no. Doctor Test G Hey man, we should give some of this to that guy. Oh, what's his name? Oh yeah, Spanky. Doctor IncidentDK233748L On April 17, 2016, at 2335, an excessive auditory event occurred in Interview Room 19 at Site-17. Sound pressure measurements estimated loudness in excess of 120 decibels within 10 minutes of Interview Room 19, setting off seismic detectors around the site. Witnesses describe the sound as, quote, like a hacking cough except cacking, unquote. Dude, cack, man, just… cack. Doctor Whoa, that's some deep. Man Doctor Test H Yeah, man, so I was looking for a place to light up without any people around, so I went out on this staircase. Man, it looked alright, quiet, no one around, but then all this freaky started happening, and I got out of there, man, but I must have dropped my joint back there somewhere. I just lost my… Man Doctor Image captured April 22, 2016 at 1648. Yeah, we're done here. Darkness loomed over the streets of Night City. The shadows casting long shadows over the cracked asphalt pavement. The city's dark darkness lurking deep within its shriveled black hearts, as black as pitch, and as shriveled as the lungs of the chain's smoking sailor. Joe Knife penned a girl up against a wall, his ugly, slobbering face sneering, as he sneeringly pulled up her skirt. Don't worry, he sneered. I'll make sure this hurts a lot. I'm a rapist. This is what I do. Raping things like that. It was then that he was clobbered by a bowl of chowder, steaming hot and packed with delicious clams and white potatoes. Cooked just the firmness, with quite a few celery bits as well to give a snappin' flavor. It was New England clam chowder, with a figure who stood on the rooftop wearing a black apron and a tall chef's hat made of black cloth. Blacker than the blackest of blacks that a black-wearing God kid would wear at midnight. Was not fond of tomatoes in his clam chowder, and considered an aberration. Nay, a heresy, which must be purged. Joe Knife screamed in pain as he raised his gun and fired it at the rooftop. But the black-clad, mysterious figure was too fast for him, and vanished in a flash of black cloth. Come out! he screamed. Who the hell are you? Where the fuck are you coming from? Right here. Said a voice, and it pounded him in the back of the skull with a ladle. Joe Knife grabbed the back of his head. Ow! That hurts! he shouted. And you didn't answer my question. Who are you? The name is Clef. He said. Chowder, Clef. Defender of the world. Chowder, Clef. Defender of the world. Chapter 1. The badass and the hot chicks who want to bone him, or be boned by him. Site-19 was in a tizzy. Oh, no! shouted Dr. Reich. Oh, the SCP's rather pinched. I'll save you! said Dr. Clef, and he ran into the room with a shotgun. Oh, no! said SCP-682. It is Clef. He gung to kill us. Ha ha ha! said Dr. Clef, and he shot at SCP-682 with his shotgun rocket missiles. Arrgh! shouted SP-682, and it fell down and was dead. You saved us! said Dr. Reich, and she kissed him. Then they had sex. The SCP Foundation would fall apart without Dr. Clef here, said Dr. Gears, and he gave Clef a promotion to O5. To everyone at Site-19, Dr. Clef was just a mild-mannered researcher, an ordinary guy like any other. But Dr. Clef had a secret. At night, when the rest of Site-19 was asleep, he put on a black chef's toke and a black acorn, and he went to the Site-19 kitchen and he made a big pot of clam chowder. Then he went to Gotham City or Night City or Metropolis, and he fought crime. He was chowder Clef, defender of the innocent and the protector of the world. This see his story. I'm sorry to call you away from your work on such short notice. Always glad to have about a senior staff member, what can I do for you? I have a question for you. Do you remember this? But of course, how could I forget? It took me hours to type in this report. Please read the report again. Alright, it seems an order-way- Oh my god. Vanessa Danielle hardly picked up her tray of food and walked over to the lunchroom table. Halfway there, she felt something grab her backpack and pull her down. She stumbled and fell, scattering her milk and spaghetti all over the front of her shirt. Alexis Evilmere sneered at her. Nice job, nerd, she said, flouncing her stringy blonde hair. It looks good on you. She laughed and walked away, accompanied by the other popular researchers, who sat around with all of the jocks at their own table, gossiping about something stupid and lame. Vanessa whimpered and knelt there on the lunchroom floor. A single tear rolled down her face and splashed onto the food. Get the hell up and clean it up, the lunch lady said, and Vanessa slowly got to her feet and started to gather up the fallen food. Here, a soft gentle voice said, let me help. She looked up into the face of the most handsome man she had ever seen. His eyes were limpid blue, green and brown orbs, their sparkling hues warming her heart, and his perfect white skin peaked from under the collar of his immaculate white lab coat. A broad smile on his face and carefully wiped the tear from her cheek and licked it off the tip of his finger. Beautiful girls shouldn't cry, he said. I'm not beautiful, Vanessa mumbled. I think you are, I've thought so for a long time, Dr. Clef said. I've watched you for a very long time, you know. He picked her up off the ground and carried her away, while Alexis and her stupid friends looked on jealously. Are you sure this is a good idea? Vanessa whispered. I mean, what have the other senior staff seen? Fuck the senior staff. Love is greater than this. Clef growled, and he started to take off her blouse. But first, you need to know something. He whispered into her ear. Anything, gasped Vanessa. Late at night, Clef uttered, I put on a black hat and apron and fight crime as Chowder Clef. My God, how far has it spread? As far as we can tell to all of your records, everything from your personnel files to your reports to your SCP articles. This is ridiculous, how could anyone believe any of this? X-G-O-C Sniper? I was a clerk! My God, I'd never been anywhere near a gun! Much less used one. They're like, bad. Bad fan fiction? Yes. SCP-732 is known to do that. Can a record be retrieved? Perhaps, but it will take a while. Some of them may never be completely restored. My God, all those years of work, all that data, reduced to the testosterone-laced ramblings of a pre-teen violence obsessed? I'm sorry, Dr. Clef. I really am. Die, you motherfuckers! Clef screamed, and he blazed away with his twin pan-core jackhammers, filling the air with lead. The zombies exploded in the showers of gore, splatter in blood, and internal organs across the walls. Keep killing them, you fuckers! Don't let them get around us! Sir! Screamed, strung a cob. The damn Chechen zombies are coming through the walls! Fuck that! Kill them all! Clef roared. He threw down his twin pan-core jackhammers and grabbed a pair of Mateva auto-revolvers, firing off the exotic .38 caliber weapons of Kimbo, as he dove under cover. Grenade out! A whole band of lyric grenades flew over the desk and landed in the middle of the Griffa zombies, turning them the chunks of writhing flesh. It's over, Dmitri said. No! Not yet! Clef snarled. He put on a black chef's hat and an apron. The criminal scum who did this is still out there. We must bring him to justice. I'll go with you, Dmitri said. No! I must do this alone! grievous Clef. Shouter Clef always works alone. Alice screamed with pleasure. Shouter Clef? Oh, God! I love you! She screamed as she came. Shouter Clef's massive, throbbing. Fire photon torpedoes, shouted Captain Picard. The USS Shouter Clef raced with the Romulan invaders, firing a massive stream of photon torpedoes and quantum phasers, launching X-wing fighters and Mark XI vipers and massive Shouter for the Shouter Clef! Potatoes for the split-throats! screamed a chaos-based virene as he... Is there anything I can do to help? No, I think I'll be fine, but as long as the initial infection is gone, we should be fine. You seem to be taking this well. It is actually pretty funny, and I must admit, this other Dr. Clef seems to have a much more interesting life than I do. Instead of being cooped up in a lab, he seems to be living the life of some kind of action movie star, killing, sorry, what's the word 732 used, decommissioning SCPs, meaning to be Satan? He's actually quite the badass. Isn't that the truth? Some personnel claim that we should keep these older files simply for entertainment purposes, at least. The originals will have to be restored, of course, but of course. In any case, that is all. Oh yes, in here. Ah, thank you. I wonder where they'd gone off to? I wouldn't want you to lose them. After all, you'll need these if you want to fight crime as Shouter Clef.