 that's right folks see for comedy a for Abbott and for Maxwell Costello yes they spell camel experience is the best teacher try a camel let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before and draw up a chair for tonight's camel show starring but Abbott and Luke Costello isn't wonderful to be back in California oh it's nice to be back in California boy did I have fun coming on a plane I told jokes and all the passengers rolled on the floor were your jokes that funny no I loosened all their safety belts hey what about that beautiful blonde what about that beautiful blonde you know the one you met in New York are you going to write to her it's no use Abbott I couldn't get the first base with her why not her husband was on second I owe you I you idiot I don't know what woman would see in you anyway oh I guess I'm just irresistible well even tonight coming down here on the bus the lady conductor punched out I love you on my transfer that's deli you'll never be happy like my wife Betty and I oh yes did you see her tonight oh Betty oh didn't she look beautiful yeah she was wearing her new makeup yeah that's cleanser number four never mind I did my brother Norman meet you at the airport yes and right away he dragged me into a joint to celebrate Abbott Norman had one bottle of beer and passed out cold my brother Norman passed out from drinking one bottle of beer he didn't drink it I hit him over the head you idiot you know he watches here in the middle now sorry wait a minute just a minute didn't I see you and your brother Pat down at San Pedro this morning what are you doing there well Pat was trying to buy one of them new Navy surplus boats he'd have got one too if he hadn't been a veteran well what do you and your brother Pat want with a boat you know nothing about boats oh is that so Abbott I joined the Navy when I was four years old how did you do that I lied about my age who did you say with who did I say a way I was on a ship with Captain Epson I I never heard of Captain Epson he's an old salt they did you have did you have any dangerous experiences in the Navy well one time a schooner capsized on me and what did you do what could I do I wiped off the bar and ordered another one don't be a don't blow I don't believe I don't believe you ever been to sea you know absolutely nothing about the sea so happens tonight that my bedtime story is going to be all about the sea it's a story of Moby Dick I tell the story all by myself Abbott I don't need any help from you so why don't you call up the automobile club and show them what a real wreck looks like now Moby Dick was a great big whale a whale as a mammal you're interrupting a little early I said a whale as a mammal yes he was a mammal yeah he was not a mammal how could he be a mammal his name was dick he was a papal and he had seven let me tell a story all right go ahead get me a little burnt up already don't get excited now I'm not getting excited all right you look at oh do I now Moby Dick was a great big whale and he lived in the ocean he loved to swim when the water came up it swim in when the water went down it swim out they swam with the tide yes he could I have that again he swam with the tides tides oh he didn't worry tides he was so big he couldn't get a pair of ties to fit him Abbott I guess yeah but don't get me mixed up in a story now I'm getting a little mad now I gotta be nice again all right go ahead now nobody could catch Moby Dick when do we laugh at this thing they're laughing before they're supposed to all right now when anybody come after come after Moby Dick he'd squirt water at them through his nose not nose spout spout yes he's he spout yeah spout time you keep your big mouth shut let me finish the story go ahead I'm waiting for the finish now one day Moby Dick was swimming along and he passed the shark that was talking up a skew what kind of shark who said that I did that's in case you asked this was a pool shark now get out of here before I bent your head in the sidewalk now take it easy Moby Dick was hungry he was very hungry for a big whale so he grabbed a great big clam abalone what you say abalone abalone abbot this is no baloney this is a true story you said you said anything about baloney who said it who did you did I didn't say anything I said abalone I said the whale was eating abalone where would the whale get baloney in the ocean abbot he was eating a great big clam abalone is a clam are you like that they're making baloney out of clam I'm talking about is abalone a clam is abalone that's right one of us is nuts why don't you baloney up let me tell me and finish my story you mean clam didn't you just tell me that clam is abalone that's right well if you don't shut your clam I'll hitch over the head with abalone all right now don't get excited now Moby Dick was a friendly whale he liked to play with the fish especially the itty bitty little fishy guppies sure he he he what was that guppies guppies haven't you ever heard of guppies oh I listen to guppies all the time guppies tavern now Moby Dick was swimming along one day saw swordfish fighting with a mackerel the swordfish stabbed the mackerel then he stabbed them again and he stabbed them again and he stabbed them again poor little mackerel must have been full of hold yeah he was a holy mackerel well do we laugh at it I'm not even finished with the story then the swordfish saw Moby Dick and he lunched at him and Moby Dick lunched at the swordfish and the swordfish lunched at Moby Dick well what happened they had lunch together and then Moby Dick paid the check he was a very wealthy whale Abbott he owns stores all over the country now look don't get silly what kind of stores gonna whale Abbott ain't you ever heard of the whale in drug stores all right go ahead now Moby Dick didn't feel so good so he went to see the doctor fish doctor fish yeah he was a famous sturgeon well he was too he was a great fish surgeon now when he got to the sturgeon's office there was a walrus in there having a tooth pole that tooth tusk huh that tusk tusk oh yes well tusk tusk do you want a couple of poop oh right now also when a sturgeon's office was a big fish with band-aid stuck on both sides of his jaw what's the matter with him he was plastered to the gills why did he come to the sturgeon's office well he just stopped him for the halibut for the hell all right go ahead then a quartet of fish a quartet of fish came in to start a singing wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute a quartet of fish oh what a quartet of it first tuna second tuna barracuda and bass mmm they sang for scale oh yeah yeah they were always good for a fin of peace that's certainly a voice hollard eyes re-gusted brother crawfish let's all go home who was that that was a king fish now on the way home Moby Dick he passed the school of fish well what kind of how do I know what kind of fish well were they weak fish what do I know about their physical condition all right all I know that a couple of them were Gershwin fish a Gershwin fish yeah porgy and bass just a minute porgy and bass had nothing to do with this oh they did too oh now my best tunas come from porgy and bass I got plenty of this is ridiculous what happened to the Moby Dick now it's a very now we're getting it again that's it come on very sad ending at it all right let's hear it one day he swim away and nobody ever saw the big whale again he swam away Abbott you're supposed to say Costello I'll tell you where he went and I said you wanted to listen now go ahead I'll tell you that okay naturally what I started the story and I'm gonna finish it whales are just like elephants Abbott they have a graveyard where they go to die no matter where a whale lives he goes to the whales graveyard to die whale swim thousands of miles from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean against currents over reefs through storms hurricanes typhoons and monsoons they swim and they swim until they get to the whale graveyard and when they get their Abbott they die they die yeah it's the trip that kills them is the best teacher remember during the war when we all had experiences like this Joe look three whole packs of cigarettes of course I walked 23 blocks to find them but did you find any camels no not a camel in the bunch oh well a cigarette's a smoke these days but say smoking all these different kinds sure makes you realize more than ever how good camels are yes during that wartime cigarette shortage smokers smoke whatever brand they could get they compared the different brands whether they intended to or not that experience taught millions the differences in cigarette quality the results today more people smoke camels than ever before yes millions have found that camel suit their T zone that's T for taste and T for throat to a T they found that their taste delights in the rich full flavor of camels that their throats welcome camels cool mildness experience is the best teacher try a camel time to light up a camel and listen to skinny and a saying you'll always be the one I love every hour every day every year you'll always be the one I love we smile we smile we smile my heart will feel the same old love even though the stars may fade from above I promise there will be no other arms for me you'll always be the one I love ways be the one I love through it's not my heart will feel the same old love even though the stars may fade from above I promise there will be no other arms for me you'll always be the one I just bought a boat I just bought a boat Abbot at the government auction here's a picture of it my she looks beautiful standing there in her slip she's in a slip oh wrong picture no no no no you dummy this is the right picture it's a picture of a y'all in a slip a picture what y'all in a slip Abbot y'all is crazy I never had a picture taken in the slip no no no y'all is a boat an old tub you did it now that did it Abbot you all can assault me just for that I'm gonna hold off and give you what the dirtiest look you ever had listen to you idiot if you're gonna sail this boat you'll you'll have to get a license now run across the street the city hall and you'll find that the boat license is in room 3 3 10 that's it okay room 3 10 yeah we'll invite the whole gang out on a fishing party Abbot I think I'll make it for me for no fish admitted without tails wait right here Abbot I'll go over to room 3 10 and get the license go ahead oh that dummy I hope he gets a license without balling things up wait a minute wait a minute 3 10 that's the marriage license bureau Costello Costello oh it's two ladies gone how do you do clerk I'm Luke Costello and I'd like to take out a license a license well congratulations mr. Costello where did you find her government surplus no kidding say were there many of them down there oh sure a hundred something some from the Coast Guard some from the Marines some from the Navy and two or three from private parties were most of them in good shape now a lot of them needed a new bridge some the paint was cracked others were bulging a little at the seams but I picked the best one yes sir I'll bet you did there when does their ceremony take place tomorrow I'm gonna shove her into the Pacific Ocean yeah add a boy right away sure who's the boss oh I'll be the master all right I'm gonna start the ceremony by cracking a bottle of champagne on her nose brother you got the right idea by the way how old is she oh she's pretty old but she'll be all right when she gets the barnacles scraped off barnacles barnacles huh I thought mine was bad just because you had a couple of bunions bunions on a boat Costello come out of here come on this guy is nuts his boat's got bunions who's talking about boats I am that's what I want a license for look this is the marriage license be your Costello I've got the boat license come on we'll pick up skinny and Marilyn start off on that fishing trip hurry up hi your fellas well I'm all ready to go out on the boat with your Costello you're going on this boat in that outfit what's the idea if we're in a woman's nightgown and carrying a doll that's in Kate the boat sinks you know the rule of the sea women and children first skinny why don't you crawl up in the crow's nest what far get one of those crows to sit on an egg you just laid you are Lewis my love my what a beautiful boat Marilyn my sweet let's you and I sail away to some tropical island we'll sit alone in the moonlight now sing a romantic song in your ear like beer barrel polka oh but Lewis there's nothing romantic about a beer barrel there is if you drink the beer first Lewis my love you're so cute when we get back from this boat trip I'm going to take you to my house yes I'll fix you a big dinner roast duck chocolate cake strawberry ice cream strawberry ice cream and then after dinner we'll go in the living room and have a demi-taz I knew it I knew you weren't treating me that nice for nothing Costella Costella I weighed the anchor and we're ready to cast off get up on the bridge there and act as first mate hi-high sir okay okay hold up a rigging reef in the main sail for yellow spin so hard to starboard man the fossil look you got the helm caught the rigging well get the helm out of here who said that so that's the ship's parent oh hello Polly Polly want a cracker bird costella I should have never come on this fishing trip with you there's dangerous reefs out there there's a storm coming up a man the wheel and get us through those reefs hi-high sir what a terrible storm this is my chance to be a hero can I get my ship and my crew safely through these sabot seas can I navigate the swirling waters of the jagged reef can I bring my ship untouched through the treacherous souls or producers of lady in the lake assisted by the four hits Maryland sings for camel fans everywhere wish I may wish I might needle when a man marries his trouble begins when a man dies his trouble wish I may wish I might get the wishes I'm wishing tonight a young cadets blonde or brunette a Romeo and such a Julie wishes I'm wishing today a lot of will stay out late a brother rat who'd leave me flat won't work it from New York a raft of tap but I will be around me scads of lads will harm me and they will cheer for the bell of us and hug me tight I get the wish I wish I may a dozen roses wish I had the proper clothes wish I had a slinky hair wish my evening I was bad I wish I didn't have a chaperone wish we had a chance to be all alone slip away and tell jokes and drink but we're afraid the profit never condone it so we wish we had a secret hideaway and the car and wish to drive away invitation to romance so just a needle give a yell give a cheer so hold me close and hug me tight to a recent nationwide survey more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette you have probably heard about that survey three leading independent research organizations put this question to 113,597 doctors what cigarette do you smoke doctor the brand named most was camel camels rich full flavor and cool mildness hit the spot with doctors as worth millions of other smokers if you're not smoking camels now try a camel on your t-zone that's T for taste and T for throat the true proving ground for any cigarette see if camels rich flavor of superbly blended choice tobaccos isn't welcomed by your taste see if camels cool mildness isn't mighty acceptable to your throat see if you two don't say yes camel certainly suit my t-zone to a T now you've done it castella we're shipwrecked on this deserted island we can't even tell where we are I could tell in a minute if I had one of those little round gadgets watch little round gadget you know that little round thing with a needle in it that says north north by east north south east east by east east by southwest west west by south west by southwest south south by north south by northwest wait a minute you mean a compass there's no funny I can never remember that word I wish we knew where we were hey Abbott we're in the lane of the Incas how do you know hey you are the four inkers boxy English got to get off this island I just saw four big inkers yeah therefore the biggest inkers I ever saw but don't worry Merlin darling you're talking to a great sailor a great fisherman I'll get us off this island sailing sailing over the bounding sea you'll always find cause they'll all pour a fisherman is he Luke Costello the famous fisherman I was hitting the push with a salmon while the salmon was in the can sailing sailing over the bounding sea you'll always find cause they'll all pour a fisherman is he he went sailing before he became a blimp because I was a little shrimp because still I didn't know you were so fond of the sea I'm a regular Isaac Walton it's in my blood my red corpusils go in and out with a tide the Costello's were all great sailors Abbott all the way back to 1492 America was discovered by Christopher Costello there never was a sailor who was neater he sailed the ocean in his three famous boats the pinter the Nina and the Santa Anita they're running at Hollywood Park Bazooka is going at a front bingo a second clicker is third coming into the stretch it's rose button front Barney be by fall and firefly is third by eight and the winner is girdle they let him out in a stretch my little stout trout what thrilling adventures you must have had on the ocean yes I had maldi mayor too maldi mayor yep that's French for you can't take it with you you're so smart and wonderful dear Lewis to meet slacks on the sea I'm the pasta mason stripped down the mismas swabbed those decks you dirty swabs you mean to tell me that you really understand all of those nautical terms did I say something nautical I'm sorry no no no I mean do you understand navigation Abbott I'm a real navigator when I was a baby I played with boats just like a sailor and then as a boy scout I learned to tie knots just like a sailor then last night I wish a little girl just like a sailor how did you make out shake hands with a landlubber the ocean when I see the sea then my heart starts to melt maybe somebody's daddy Castella Castella how's it feel be a way down there I'm feeling it off this island somebody has got to swim to the mainland get help here buckle on this life preserver and get going okay Abbott I'll go behind these bushes take my clothes put on the life preserver now swim for help terrible mr. Abbott we're slowly starving to death yeah Castella's been gone for four days and four nights for Castella I'm glad I gave him that life preserver I I can see him battling those waves struggling through that turn sorry if I will oh my goodness of my mind's off it but for four days and four nights I wonder what's taking him so long hey look it's Castella he's back he's made it oh Lewis honey you don't know how I've worried for four days and four nights while we waited for you to come back Castella I've never been so happy to see you I'm glad you're back Lou back I didn't even start yet how in a heck you get into the slice preserver Abbott and Castella will be back in just a moment for camo cigarettes during the war the makers of camo cigarettes and a total of more than 150 million free camos to our fighting men overseas now free camos are sent to service men's hospitals instead this week the camos go to Veterans Hospital Van Nuys California US Army Pratt General Hospital Coral Gables Florida US Naval Hospital Brooklyn New York US Marine Hospital Cleveland Ohio and Veterans Hospital Newcastle Delaware camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week our rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America and now here are but Abbott and Luke Costello with a final word well Castello tomorrow is Valentine's Day yes Abbott and I've written a beautiful Valentine poem all for you wow that's very sweet would you like to read it certainly here it goes what Harpo means to Groucho and Chico what Cougar means to Tico Tico what Molly means to Fibre McGee what a few beads mean to Gypsy Rose Lee what a patch on a seat means to the pants of a fellow Abbott my pal that's what you mean to Luke Costello good night folks everybody when the tobacco in your pipe is full flavored and rich when it smokes cool and mild why that's pipe appeal and the way to enjoy that kind of pipe appeal is to remember that PA stands both for pipe appeal and for Prince Albert yes Prince Albert is the smoking tobacco with a rich full flavor and cool mildness burn slow and even too because it's crimped cut give your pipe pipe appeal with Prince Albert and for irrepeal tune in to hear Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry Saturday night remember Grand Ole Opry Saturday night on NBC be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by camel cigarettes and remember experience is the best teacher try a camel let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before C A M E L S this is Michael Roy in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camel stay tuned now for the Eddie Cantor show this is NBC the National Broadcasting Company