 My car broke down, stranded me in the middle of nowhere, some god-forsaken forest. On a plus side, I just got done seeing the revenant, Leonardo DiCaprio, a new flick. On a negative, I'm in the woods, no food, haven't eaten in what feels like minutes, if not tens of minutes, so I'm pretty hungry. My phone's dead, which of course would have been nice because then I could contact somebody via social networking sites like Twitter and let them know how much it sucks that I'm stranded and just at least update the fan base that things aren't great. I wish I had an Instagram account because it's a pretty looking place, but the good news is my cameras are all functioning and I did see a really good movie, so let's talk about it before I freeze to death. The revenant or the reverent, I can't remember what it's called, it's a terrible title. I don't think there's been a movie titled this bad since Ballistic, X versus Sever, or Shark Boy and Lava Girl, but regardless, the quality of the movie's there and that's all that really counts. I'm gonna die out here. It may be a blistery negative nine here in Minnesota, but I stay pretty warm just thinking about how great the performance was by Leonardo DiCaprio. This is a guy who's yet to win an Oscar as pretty much everybody knows by now and this is the role that he definitely is going for one. I mean, he's a vegetarian, but he ate raw meat. He's a, you know, they're out filming for fucking nine months or something off and on. They had issues on the film, so they had to move it to Canada, all sorts of crap. Bottom line is the last film that the director did, I can't remember his name, I'm not gonna bother looking it up. I can't look it up, my phone's dead. That's the shtick we're going with today, my phone's dead. But the last movie he did was Birdman, which won a bunch of awards, critically acclaimed. I thought it was all right. It was a little too artsy for me. It had one of those bullshit endings to keep you talking. It's just art for the sake of art. This one though, holy hell. This was beautiful, all around. Like I said, DiCaprio nails it. He, as this guy named Glass, he's got a son who does a terrific job. There's that kid with the spaced eyes from Maze Runner. He's in it, he does fine. Tom Hardy, once again, transforming himself. He's different in every film, Bane, Mad Max. And here we are now. He plays an asshole. That's really all I'll say. This is a spoiler free review. Not that it matters. I'm sure most people see it before my reviews even go out. Running at two and a half hours long, you'd think that it might get a little slow. It's a little long in the tooth, but this one holds up pretty well. This is one of the most intense movies I've ever seen. The Martian also came out this year. There's some parallels you can make by it's kind of the journey of one man trying to survive in the elements, but how they handle it, of course, is much different. The Martian is a much more family friendly affair. It's all about science. It's all about working together. Whereas the Revenant is really one man's journey to see how far he can push himself to stay alive for reasons I won't say. It did remind me of a film called The Patriot with Mel Gibson, only in the terms that it's a long movie and you see a lot of bad shit happen to the lead character. So much so that you're kind of like, it'd be nice if something good happened. Can you see like a rainbow or something at least? Just something to get his spirits up? That you don't really get much of that. It is a very heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching flick. He's in the wilderness, he's in the fray so anything can happen and really everything does happen to this guy. I feel real bad for him, poor glass. He never had a chance, really. But there's just so much shit just happens and you can tell the director and the writer were thinking, I really want to film this scene. Let's just have it happen to him. And they did that like seven or eight times. So there's bear attacks, there's Indians tracking him, there's cliff falls, there's avalanches, there's just everything you can think of thrown at this guy and how he gets out of it is just incredible. There's also a Star Wars Empire Strikes Back reference in there, it's a pretty awesome scene. It's a pretty awesome scene. I gotta find some sustenance or something. I mean, I've been out here for at least 20 minutes now. I don't know how people did it back in the day. I just don't understand it. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I mean, I gotta get the review out somehow, find a way to upload it to YouTube. That's really all that matters right now. You know, it's good. What else do you want from me? What do you want me to say here? I mean, what do you want me to do? It's a good movie. See it if you haven't. Jesus. I mean, I'm fucking out here risking my life to get this review out the door. You know, some of these other asshole YouTubers, they get advanced screeners to see this shit weeks early. Meanwhile, I'm just regular fucking shmo going to the theaters, paying a ticket, paying a hot seat. Hot seat. That's ironic. I'm in the coldest seat in the house right now. All right. I don't have much else to say. It's a cinematic masterpiece. It's a tour de force. You know, the thing looks gorgeous. It's all practical effects. They shot using real daylight for the however many days, 80 days, I think they shot for off and on for those nine months spread. DeCaprio's kicking his own ass up and down to make this thing believable. I felt like I was in the picture the whole time. There wasn't a scene where I thought, that's CGI. That's CGI. No, I'm all in. Everybody's in. You know, it's gut wrenching. It's violent. It's gory. But there's some drama there. There's some emotion and it's a beautiful movie. It's a beautiful film. One of the best of the year. I'm going to give this a 10 out of 10. I'm not begrudgingly. There's nothing wrong with the film. If you don't want to see a guy get his ass kicked for two and a half hours, maybe watch Transformers. I don't know. This isn't a movie for everybody, but it's a movie for the right people. You can take that to the bank and then ask someone to come pick me up out here in the woods because I'll be dead within the hour. All right. Try this one more time. Okay. Okay. Let's go home. I didn't think I was going to live to see another day, honestly. Yeah, so I said it's a 10 out of 10 film. One of the best of the year. I don't know if it's better than the Martian. It's so different than the Martian. It just depends on what kind of movie you want to see. But yeah, it really wowed me and I mean, if I was going to die out there, at least I had one more film to enjoy first. So yeah, that's something, you know? But, you know, I made it. I survived and now I'm home. So I'm going to let you go with that.