 I don't even know where to begin this video. But one of the things that I have always prided myself on is to be real and to be transparent as much as possible, especially on YouTube. Because YouTube to me has been something I've been doing for an awful long time, not just recently, not just in the last year or two. Actually, since 2009 is how long I've been on YouTube. So it's been a long time. And, you know, I started my YouTube career doing lifestyle videos and stuff like that and sharing the things that I enjoy doing and what my world was like. So in that sense, it's always been about transparency and being real. So I sometimes I struggle with how real to be lately because I know that there are certain topics nobody wants to hear, you know, nobody wants to hear about politics, religion, stuff like that. And I really avoid all that stuff. We all have enough of that. You can go onto Facebook and you can see any political belief you want. But I also know people don't want to see sadness. They want to be uplifted. So I struggle with that myself because I haven't been on YouTube. Has it been over two weeks? I don't even know. I haven't had a video up, which is very much unlike me. Those of you that have been with me for a while, you know, I try to do twice a week at least. And I've been pretty consistent with that. But I kind of disappeared a little over two weeks ago now. I think maybe almost three. And I had a number of you reach out asking me what was wrong. Some of you knew what was wrong because you saw it on Facebook. Facebook for me is where my family is, you know? And so I share a lot or my family shares a lot and I'm tagged a lot on Facebook. But I feel like owe it to you to at least say where I've been and you know, what's happening. On September 29th, my brother passed away very, very unexpectedly, very suddenly. And he wasn't found until the morning of the 30th. And he died of a massive coronary collapse or I looked at his death certificate and the listing and all that. Basically a massive heart attack. I wanna believe that he died quickly and felt no pain. But you know, I know no matter how someone dies it doesn't much matter, right? It just throws you for a total loop. But I think that sometimes when it's a sudden, sudden thing like that, you just don't have time to absorb it maybe, to adapt to it to this new reality. So telling my mom that my brother was had gone, this is exactly how we told her. I went down to see her. She wasn't home. Jay dropped me off and he went to my brother's condo to make sure everything was locked up and fine while I waited for my mom. And she walked in, she had gone groceries, I brought her bags in for her and then in the kitchen she said, you know, what's wrong? And so that's when I first looked at her and when I looked at her she saw it all over my eyes. And I knew she was going to probably collapse or something. So I just went over and I embraced her really tight and I held her up and I said, mom, I said, Billy's going to be with dad in heaven. That's how I told her. And her reaction was just like, no, no, no, you know, I mean, my mom's 93 and I know no matter how old one you are, a death of a child is not anything, anyone ever, ever expects or, you know, even knows how to adjust to. So it threw us all for a loop. And, you know, my brother's caregiver, I'm his guardian. I spoke to him last on Sunday night. My mother spoke to him on Tuesday night. The best we can recollect is that or the best we've been pieced together is that he passed away on the 29th on Wednesday and, you know, wasn't missed until Thursday. And so you struggle with that, you know, especially for me being as caregiver. Anyways, not that I want to dwell on that and I don't because I have a lot of stuff I want to share with you guys because at the same time as my brother passed away, we had been preparing for a family wedding and we were like so excited about this family wedding, you know, and I found myself having to write a eulogy for my brother and then a week later, a blessing from my son and his new bride and it was just such an emotional ups and downs. You know, I just couldn't even think of YouTube. I couldn't even think of doing a video and I have videos, I mean, I've got this awesome mascara I want to talk about, it was actually sent to me and you know, oftentimes you get things from Octoly. This was sent to me from Octoly. I also got a PR package with the, I can smell the perfume, it was so pretty, with dossier, you know, designer perfumes and or inspired by designer perfumes and I was like, whoa, I was impressed. So there's like a whole bunch of different things I want to talk about. We ended up getting our e-bikes, we've been biking. We went the weekend, my brother, when I found out my brother had passed away that Saturday, Jay took me for a really long bike ride. We went from Nashor to Hampshire down to Airmass and back was like 25 miles through beautiful pastures and you know, along the river and the leaves were beautiful and it just helped me so much clear my mind because I knew I had to prepare a eulogy. I had to think about stuff. So riding that bike just really helped me get to that place. I don't know, you know, but anyway, so I thought I owed it, it's not so much that I owed it. I felt that I wanted to answer those questions on where I've been and so it's, I'll be back. You know, I'm gonna do that video, I'm gonna talk about that mascara, I'm gonna talk about the perfume and I wanna share some pictures of the bike ride and I wanna share some pictures of the wedding. The wedding was yesterday, it was amazing and I was really worried about the blessing, you know, what to say, how to start it and I got, I mean, I got like in the middle of it, people just started clapping like crazy. And then at the end they clapped as well. So it was like, it was just really, it was really good and my stepson flew out and he is only here from Wednesday night to Sunday and then he had to fly back to Atlanta but my stepson Justin and his wife came out so we had family together and just such an emotional two weeks, just such an emotional two weeks. But yeah, all, you know, all is good and I'm sorry for those of you because I know I had put a message on my community tab but apparently not everyone gets notified of the community tab or even knows to go and look at a community tab and that's what I did. So I just figured I'd come in, I'd do this quick video and tell you I'm back, I didn't really go anywhere, I just, I was just in a real hurting place, you know, and when you are in a hurting place sometimes it's hard to put a smile on your face, you know, when your heart's crying, you know what I mean? It's hard to do that but I need my YouTube for sure because I miss you guys, I miss the engagement, I miss all of that and I want to share the bike ride pictures and I want to talk about my new bike, I know who cares but I want to talk about the mascara that I'm loving and I just want to get back to more of a normal routine. So anyways, it's fall, the leaves are down and you know, we've had so much rain this summer that we haven't even, the ground hasn't even dried up enough to really even mow, nevermind, look at the spray. This is my backyard, this is how much leaves we have in our backyard. Jay and I are hoping that we can do a quick one, at least one more camping trip and even we're thinking of just even overflow camping and then we'll flush out our tanks and winterizing all that. I really dread the idea of winterizing but got to do it, got to do it at that time of year. So I just wanted to pop in and say thank you for all of you, I know a lot of you've been wondering and reaching out and all that and I'm fine, totally fine, back in the groove and yeah, my next video I'm gonna share a whole bunch of stuff with you. So anyways, thanks for understanding and I will see you in my next video, bye guys.