 so do you remember those vlogs where I was like hey I have goals for the day and I'm you know getting up and getting dressed and doing my makeup and hair today was not one of those days I just got off the couch really oh good not feeling so so good so I just chill on the couch watched YouTube videos because that was a productive use of my time and now I'm getting ready to actually do things we are putting up the Christmas tree tonight which I am so excited about I'm getting in the Christmas spirit I can't we usually put it up like way before now this is really late for us we're those crazy Christmas people you see all of the angry Facebook memes about we definitely started listening to Christmas music at like November 1st but we're finally giving a chance to put up the Christmas tree so we're gonna do that tonight you'll get a chance to check it out but first oh dear oh no this is not we're just gonna that's better right guys this should never see the light of the internet but it's going to now I'm up here because I just heard the doorbell ring and I happen to know that Amazon just dropped off a few packages for me because I got everyone's Christmas shopping done from the comfort of my couch because thank you Amazon I'm gonna go pick up those packages get Christmas presents sorted and get ready for Christmas spirit there is one I do not expect nor order hope it's not a bomb guys I'm just kidding does Merry Christmas on it right does amazing animal paintings and I saw this on Facebook and commented on it that I wanted to buy it off of her and she delivered it today look at this guy's like she's she's so talented and I I love chickens like I love chickens so much I had three of them as pets growing up you'll notice the theme in my life as I have always had way too many pets but this is seriously so sweet Mary thank you so much I absolutely love him his name is Henrietta by the way and he is perfect I guess I would be a sheet if her name is Henrietta gonna open these to make sure that like I got the right orders but I can't show them on camera because they're Christmas presents for people I'm not gonna one of these is for me cuz when you're drugged and you can't sleep and it's 2 a.m. you're gonna buy yourself stuff online it's just I mean how it works where's the Christmas tree footage you asked well it didn't happen and it still hasn't happened we're not lazy just tired the issue is we have to move this table that's covered in things to get our Christmas tree up which sounds like the lamest excuse ever and it is but that's the reality of things I know I plugged in those Christmas lights and got real excited for a second there but no Christmas tree footage just yet but in the meantime a story from today so I shared in a recent video that I had my counselor coming over and that you know not a lot of my counseling had really focused on my actual amputation yet and that things about that were actually you know okay I felt like I was handling it well and that's still true on the one hand on the other hand I hit a wall yesterday I don't say how to break down but I think the reality is setting in that like oh I don't have a leg and it's not coming back that might sound really dumb to all of you who are well aware of the fact that yeah if you chop a leg off it's not gonna grow back kid but I've gone through so many surgeries and gone through so many recoveries that I'm really used to you know going through surgery having surgical pain being stuck at home being on medications for a little while going through the part of the process that I've been in right now and now that I'm starting to get out and about and go in public and that was kind of what set it off yesterday I was going with my husband at best by to pick up something and it's like this whole process to get ready to go out and do anything it takes longer to get ready that's one thing that you'll learn as an amputee if anyone out there is about to be one takes longer to get ready to go places I was exhausted by the time I was like okay I'm ready to go and by ready to go I mean I just want to sleep for like two hours now because I have no energy I'm out of breath this is embarrassing like I used to be super fit and could like do everything and ah you know and just got really cross and really grumpy and it took me a while like actually process through the crusty exterior and be like oh okay I'm really having a hard time right now I'm having a hard time with the fact that like when I walk up to the register at best by the girl is staring at my leg before she's like staring at me and greets me and that's okay I honestly mean that's okay I do not hold that against people but it's a weird adjustment and I feel like I have to look put together when I go out in public now because people are looking at me I never used to feel that way like at all I would go out in public oh you know whenever in gym shorts and an old ratty t-shirt because I didn't care now I feel like whenever I leave the house I want to look nice first of all because it matters to me and I enjoy it but second of all because I know that people are looking at me and I don't want them to stare at the broken girl and think you know I don't know more negative things if that makes sense and I know that's a disordered way of thinking and I'm working through it but um it's been a hard 24 hours is essentially what I'm trying to say it's part of the process and I know that it's part of the process and I'm not even two months in to this thing and so I know I'm gonna have moments like this I think it's important to acknowledge them and and to try to figure out what I'm really feeling instead of just being you know crossed to my husband instead of talking about what I'm actually experiencing and the insecurity that I'm feeling so that's where I'm at today and that will shift and I'll be fine again for a while and I'll be good and then I'm sure I'll have another hard day or two I think it kind of comes in waves for me so in the interest of keeping things real which is the reason why I started this channel that's where I honestly am things are not always rain bills and butterflies things are not awful I think there's somewhere right in between