 Maybe you just leave here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbot and Costello show! The Abbot and Costello show is on the air Full of a chance to happen with Abbot and Costello Yes, it's the Mutant Drive Abbot and Costello show With a new singing discovery, Susan Miller and the left-backed singer So hold on to your chance, folks, for here we are, but Abbot and Costello The Abbot and Costello Hey, Costello, Costello, come over here. What were you doing in that department store? I just bought my Uncle Mike a pound of peanut brittle You mean peanut brittle? No, peanut brutal. He's got no teeth in his brutal You know, there's a lot of excitement in that store, Costello. What happened? Well, any course he kept running up and down the stairs. You should have seen him. Up and down the stairs. Why? Well, he had to. His beard was caught in the escalator. Did you buy anything besides the peanut brittle? Yes, my Uncle Mike is wearing his Costello Christmas衣, so I bought him a new shirt. Steve, sure, he'll be hired in the Kaiser. Did you buy anything else? Well, I got a piece of mistletoe to hang on my nose. You're going to hang a piece of mistletoe on your nose? Oh, sure. This year I'm going to have a little fun on my own hook. Did you buy a present for your Aunt May? Yeah, I got her a case of soap chips. Why soap chips? Well, she lived in California all her life and she's never had a white Christmas, right? Did you go to the policeman's ball last night? Yes, but I didn't have a very good time. Why not? None of the policemen would dance with us. I went to the Burbank Theater. They got a beautiful girl basketball player that comes out on the stage and she immediately takes the basketball... Wait a minute, Costello. That's not a girl basketball player. You saw a bubble dancer. You thought it was funny she never dropped that ball? Right. Be quiet, Costello. Now that's enough from you. Give my friend here a chance at the microphone. PDQ gasoline is so full of power, mileage and the spirit of Christmas that PDQ dealers have a pretty swell gift to make your Christmas more fun than a clan bank. Three Christmas stickers. You know, to doll up those pretty packages you wrap. Beautifully, colorfully printed. Some of them just dripping sentiment. The colors quick as an offhand gag. Yes, you'll find these handy decorations for Christmas packaging will add infinitely to the zesty spirit of Christmas giving. For you'll have one or more appropriate decorative Christmas stickers to put on gifts for everybody from baby to granddad. Nothing to buy, of course. You just drive in to any PDQ service station and ask for your free Christmas stickers. If you don't own a car, borrow one. But drive in soon and ask for your free set of Christmas stickers. Get yours before they're gone. Get them PDQ. Are you ready, Mr. Vander? Then arm with the Abbott and Costello show. Boo-bop-bop-boo-bay-here's Abbott and Costello again. Come on, Costello. I'm back. Take those bicycle clips off your trousers. Did you ride your bicycle to the studio again today? Yes. It's very dangerous. Oh, it ain't as dangerous as being a pedestrian. It's getting so bad that even us Boy Scouts can't help old ladies across the street anymore. But we figured out a system. What do you do? We round up all the old ladies on one corner, and then we send for Tom Brenerman. Now, God tell her they'll make fun of Tom Brenerman. He's got quite an influence on the lady. You're telling me? My Aunt May has gotten so many of his broadcasts, she won't let my Uncle Mike sit down at the breakfast table unless he's wearing a woman's hat. Does the Mike still play the washed-up with Spike Jones' band? That's that case, Abbott, no. Spike Jones had to get rid of him twice. Success went to his head. He pulled his washed-up and bought a bandage. What is your Uncle Mike doing now? Well, he drives in the midget auto-racist. Is, uh, Mike a fast driver? Abbott, I drove down the highway with him Sunday, and we were going so fast the Burma Shave signs were lathering up Dr. Pepper. Your Uncle Mike is wackier than you are. I can't understand how your Aunt May married him. Abbott, to say they got married, Uncle Mike was drugged. Your Aunt May drugged him? Yeah, she drugged him all the way to the church. And then drugged him right up to the altar. It was a beautiful wedding. They had a double-ring ceremony. A double-ring ceremony? Yeah, my Uncle Mike slipped a ring on her finger, and my Aunt May slipped one to his nose. Right after the wedding, Uncle Mike put his foot down. He said, May, the one that wears the pants in this family will handle the money. Well, how does it work out? You know, my Aunt May looks mighty nice and slack now. Your Uncle Mike and Aunt May are quite a couple. Have they got any children, Lou? Well, sure, last year they had triplets. Triplets? Boys they got. Well, one was a boy, and one was a girl. But they never found out what the third one was. When it was three days old, it flew away. Come on, Abbott, I'm going to the hospital to visit my Uncle Mike. Mike? Mike is in the hospital? Why, only last night, I saw him zeroed with a blonde. So did my Aunt May. Brother, did she hit him? I don't blame her. She hit him with provocation? Yes. She hit him a... What was that? She hit him with provocation? She did not. She hit him with a chair. I'm talking about provocation. Propagation made her hit him with a chair. Propagation may have made her hit him with a chair, but biting a zero was her own idea. Why do they always fight? Why can't they be like me and my wife? When we feel an argument coming on, I go out in the yard and cool off. Yes, you haven't been in the house in 20 years. No, I found out how you get that tan. Never mind that. It's not true, Godzilla. My wife and I are very happy. Oz is a real mash-up romance. Yes. You're a wreck and she's built like a totre. Not at all. How dare you ridicule married? You. You don't even know what a husband is. A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after a nerve has been killed. You know what's the matter with you? You're afraid to get married. I am not. Right? What would you do if a beautiful blonde came along and proposed to you? I'd get a marriage license to marry her. Suppose a beautiful redhead came along and proposed to you. I'd get a marriage license to marry her. And if a beautiful bluehead came along, I'd get a marriage license to marry her. Wait a minute. Where are you getting all those marriage licenses? The same place you're getting all the girls. Tell me you never tried to get married. I did too. I once spoke to the Lonely Hearts Club. I said I wanted to marry somebody with hair like mine. And I enclosed the lock on my hair. And what happened? I got a shock of venues. Oh, Stan, please. Look, how is your romance coming with Susan Miller? I think she wants to see me in a baby. So what makes you think that? Every time I ask her to go out with me, she tells me to go jump in the lake. Hello, boy. Well, it's Susan Miller. Susan, if you'll go out with me tonight, I'll make love to you like Napoleon made love to Cleopatra. To Cello. Cleopatra and Napoleon lived a thousand years apart. What's the difference as long as they love each other? You have to roll. Susan, you're making a mistake by not going out with me. Remember, Christmas is coming. Oh, Cello. Darling, I hadn't thought of that. Now you've got it. Susan, I've got an idea. How would you like a diamond ring, a diamond necklace, and a mean coat? You've got all those things for me? No, but I've got the idea. Cello, there's no way to talk to Susan. You're nothing but a fat, slippery, thought-off little, ain't no ramen. Oh, it's little. I'm just as big an iconoramic as you are. Go on, then, Susan won't go out with you. You're never offered to do anything for us. Susan, if you let me take you home tonight, I'll help you solve all your problems. But I haven't got any problems. And I haven't taken you home yet. I don't blame Susan Miller for turning you down every night and the week. You're out with a different girl. You're wrong, Abbots. I only go out with six girls. Six girls? I take Sunday off. Monday, I go with Mabel. Tuesday, I go with Rose. Wednesday, I go with Amy. Thursday, I go with Ruth. Friday, I go with Betty. And Saturday, I go with Clara. And Sundays, I take off. Hello, Mr. Castello. There goes my Sunday off. Castello, if you put your money in the bank, you wouldn't be able to go out with girls. Now, I'm taking you to the bank right now, and you're going to open a savings account with that $10. Put the money in the bank, in the bank, in the bank. Put the money in the bank, and go in the bank. Now, let's go in. Abbots, just thanking an artist. Look at that sign. That's it. Four million dollars. Well, how does that make them dishonest, Lou? My mother put $7 in that bank yesterday. Why didn't they change that sign? Castello, this is a fine bank. See that man coming this way? He's the president. That soapy-looking guy is the president, certainly. What happened to Truman? Then, Republicans have probably got him standing in for any shooting. Oh! Quiet, Castello. Here he is. Well, well, Mr. Abbots says who dragged this oversized piggy bank in here? Oh, pardon me. That's Castello. And Castello wants to put some money in the bank. Fine, fine. Now, where would you like to put it, Castello? Picking account? Savings account? Or the vault? But I have that last thing again. Vault? Vault! Surely you know about our vault. Well, I don't vault very well, but if you want to dance, let's gimme! Thank you, Mellonhead. Castello wants to open a savings account. Fine, and that case, we'll have to fill out a new depositors' card. Here we are. Now, first, your name. Lou Castello. How do you spell Castello? See now, C-O-S, C-O-S-T, C-O... Just put down Jones. All right. Now, how do you spell Jones? Let Jones worry about that. My name is Castello. Now, look, look. We have to have your name. It's the rules of the bank. Now, in case something goes wrong, the money goes to your next of kin. Now, tell me your name so I can tell your mother. My mother knows my name. All right. How much money have you got to deposit? I've got ten one dollar bills. Okay, hand it over here and I'll count it. Let me see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. There's only eight dollars here. Eight. Wait a minute. There must be something thick here. I'll count it. One, two, three, four, five, six. There's only six. Eight. Hand it back here, Robert. I'll count it again. One, two, three, four. There's only four dollars here. Wait a minute. Let me count it. It won't last another clip. Look, I want to deposit ten dollars. Now, I only got four. That's all right. You can put up security for the other six dollars. Now, about security, do you have a car or jewelry? Or does anyone in your house have a fur coat? Only my airdale, but I don't think he's your friend. Well, in that case, I'll accept the four dollars. Congratulations. You are now one of our depositors. Now, when you walk into the bank of Stellault, you can put up a big front. How do I do that? In your case, walk in backwards. Stellault, we're now on the road to success. Remember, to become rich, you must save your money. You've got to be thrifty. You've got to be economical. Economical? Parsimonious. Parsimonious? You don't know the meaning of failure. I don't know the meaning of parsimonious. Excuse me, my money, Mellon. What you came in here is one of our depositors, Stellault. If you take your money back, you will go out of here as one of our withdrawers. I'll go out like what? Withdrawers. Withdrawers. I hope so. I came in here with them. Don't withdraw your money. Remember, you're putting it in the bank, so you won't spend it on girls. Oh, girls, don't get me wrong. You squander your money on girls, do you? How long has this been going on? When did you start going with girls? As soon as I found out that I wasn't one. Enough of this nonsense, Stella. Your money stays here, and Bank of Mellonhead is going to handle your financial affairs. I certainly will handle your financial affairs. Stellault, here's how I'll do it. First, I will calculate your fiscal remuneration. Next, I will deflate your budget by taking a terrific flight out of your monetary millennium. After that, I'll compound your debentures, flip your coupons, and then I will set your capitalized assets until your amortization covers your inflated fiduciary encumbrances. You wouldn't dare. Evidence, Stella, will be back with more of their addicts in just a moment. But first, listen to this. If every Christmas sticker user knew what PDQ Christmas gift stickers users know, they'd all drive in at the neighborhood PDQ station and pick up a free gift assortment of Christmas package stickers. So why don't you? Gay, uninhibited, even hilarious stickers in the traditional PDQ manner. Gummed, ready to lick and stick on the Christmas packages you wrap. Now, you can't buy stickers like these. None like them have ever been printed before. Happy, pointed, sometimes two-edged little messages of cheer and wonderment that'll make wrapping packages for Christmas almost more fun than unwrapping them. Complete assortment thousands of them, yours absolutely free. Just drive in to any neighborhood PDQ service station and ask for your set. Better do that soon because they're going awfully fast and darn it, we might just run out of them. Nothing to buy, of course. We just want to get you into that PDQ station once. We know from then on you'll be our customer for life. Here also, absolutely free, is the Abbott & Costello show. There he is, Abbott & Costello. And now here is the vacancy to the milly with the left-backed your singer. Gonna be some strangers There's anything for me to do There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be a change in the weather and the scenery From now on there'll be a change for me My life will be different My talk is my name Nothing about it's gonna be the same I'm gonna change my way of living and it's better now I live in change the way I've stopped myself Nobody wants you when you're old and gray There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change There'll be some change Well, Castellon, now that you've got a bank account, why don't you ask the president of the network for a raise? I asked for a raise our first week and he said, don't worry, we'll take care of you, just play ball with it. I asked him again the second week, what did he say? Just play ball with it. Then I asked him again the third week. What did he say then? Just play ball with it. Well, are you going to get the raise? No, but I'm getting to be a heck of a ball player. Well, if you do get the raise and save the money, you'll wind up with a bankroll. Well, if you do get the raise and save the money, you'll wind up with a bankroll. With the money that pay me, I'll be lucky if I wind up with a putty roll. But I need a smart investment habit. I just bought 40,000 1946 calendars for three bucks. Why, you dummy, 1946 calendars are worthless. 1946 is gone. Yeah, but if it ever comes back, brother, will I be rich? But the money you see, you put all the money you had in that bank. Well, no, I really got another hundred dollars. But don't worry, it's in the safest place in the world. Where is that? Susan Miller's stocking? That's the safe place? Sure, I can always keep my eye on it, but I can't get my hands on it. She keeps it right over her knee. It's a joint account. But I'm going to ask Susan to give it back to me. Why? Since she's been wearing them new long skirts that don't draw no interest. You keep your money in the bank. No Christmas shopping, you understand? I did my shopping yesterday at it, and with them stores crowded. Did you get pushed around? Pushed around. Wow! I bought a gift at the maid company and I had to get it wrapped at Bullock. I got my change at Nancy's apartment store, left by the way of Magnus. Found out I had the wrong package, and the only place I could exchange it was East Columbia, Broadway at night. Now you've been spending money on girls again, eh? I suppose you have a day tonight with that redhead from Glendale's. I don't go with her no more. Every time we park in my car she tries to start something. What? The car? Tonight I'm taking out a new girl. She thinks I'm a great football player. Castella, why do you always try to deceive the girls? You'll never get away with it. Bluffing people that you can play football. Why not? Stanford University has been doing it all season. Castella, I'm going to take you to a psychiatrist and see if he can hear you from continually pretending to be something you're not. My uncle Mike went to one of them guys. My uncle Mike, he used to think he was a saint but not a dog. Is he cured? No, but he's much better. Now he thinks he's only a pecanese. Abbot, you ain't taking me nowhere to no psychiatrist? No, no, no. Castella, Lucky won't hurt you. Are you afraid? No. Are you a coward? No. Are you a sissy? No. Now let's try it with my aunt. Oh, come on. We're going to visit that psychiatrist right now. Must tell the hotel the normal price to where the girls are very nice. So Abbot thought it would be nice to have him psychoanalyze. Well, here's the psychiatrist's office. Castella, come on. Let's go in. Ah, gentlemen, sit right down. No, look at Abbot. I'm getting out of here. Now look at that guy. He's got a big lump on his head. Oh, you noticed the lump on my head, eh? I got it last night playing piggyback with my three-year-old niece. Playing piggyback with your three-year-old niece? Yes, I fell off her back. That's nothing. I once had my nose broken in three places. What did you do about it? I'm staying out of those three places. Castella? Castella, you remind me of a patient of mine. A traffic cop gives everybody tickets. Gives tickets for no reason at all. Well, wouldn't he be considered crazy? Not in California, he wouldn't. And last night, he gave his wife a ticket at the dinner table just for parking the butter to near the ketchup. He was right. She was in a red zone. You know, some screwy... Yes, indeedy. Some screwy cop gave me a ticket this morning just because I stuck something in the back of another guy's car. What was it? The front of my car. Ah, we're getting no place to... Ah, you could say that again. Yes, I'm saying it. Can you hear, Castella, of going out with girls? I think so. I'll give him something that'll make him too tired to go out with girls. Here, walk over to this drugstore and get this prescription filled. Joe's drug store, state in Ohio. Will the medicine make you too tired to go out with girls? Oh, the medicine's no good, but that walk ought to knock you out. But that's the Castella's trouble, is that he hands these girls such a terrific line that they all fall from. Well, in that case, I'll have to probe his mind. Now, Castella, lay down on that rubber life raft. I'm having my country upholstered. That's right. Now tell me, just what do you say to these girls? Well, every Monday night, I call on 50 cent foils. I go to her. 50, my dear. How could you lie like that? Just for your information, you haven't given me an introduction to your new girlfriend. It sounds like she's been gargling with butt cleansers. Tessie, my love, may I present fireman Abbott of the Hook and Ladder Division? And if he don't stop Hook and Ladders, I'm going to fire him out of the division? Oh, Tessie, it's all in the game. Just yesterday I was sitting in the firehouse and an alarm came in from a movie theater. Yeah. It was three minutes to six. I jumped in my car, flew across town 90 miles an hour to get to that movie theater. Why'd you go so fast? I wanted to get there before the price has changed. Oh, Tessie, I thought you must be a sensei in your driving. Oh, I don't like to brag, but Saturday I was sitting on top of the Hook and Ladder series. The driver was pulling me along at 90 miles an hour. Suddenly, at Hollywood and Vine, he made a right turn. And I made a left turn. What happened? It was the first time that pedestrians were knocked to a full four corners at the same time. I can hook you up. Tessie, I'm glad I met you up. Tessie, Professor, that's what happened with Tessie Ginfoil. Very interesting. And now, Tessie, Carstello, what other girls have you fooled? Well, on Tuesday night, I go to see Honey Chia Lee. She's a lovely little girl and... Evening, my honey chile, you all. I'm honking, shouting, my shouting, and red-eating, Carstello. This is terrible. Honey Chiles, this is my effy-boon companion. Major Abbott. As soon as he's in K to five more, Mint's unit PR will be a full four. Hello, Father Man. Y'all are pulling my little old leg. No, I ain't. But that's my final little old idea, and I'm... Hey! Oh, Colonel, how does this end? There's quite a scandal down in Birmingham. Somebody stole a brown suit off a statue of Stonewall Jackson. Left him standing there in his DVDs. Oh, that's hard. It's a disgrace to the South, a Southern general standing there in a union suit. You see, Professor, he hands out a different line to each girl. Very interesting. And now, Colonel, I mean Carstello, what other girls have you been talking to? Someone about Cleo Smith. Well, Cleo thinks I'm a big-used car dealer. Kirk the Jerk. Kirk the Jerk. Yeah, he's the guy that sells the cars to Mad Man Munch. By the way, Carstello, I see you have a picture of Lassie on the back of your watch. Don't tell me you've been going out with Lassie. That's the saddest case of all. She thinks I'm rinsed in skin. And now, Carstello, in order to cure you, I must know every day, are there any more girls you haven't told me about? No, sir. Are you sure? Professor, would I lie? Professor, yes. Can you do anything, Professor? I'll start the treatment tomorrow. Goodbye, and give your name to my secretary on the way up. See you, Professor Secretary. My, she's pretty. Miss, I'm the new patient. And, um... We're Governor Cestello. How are things in Idaho? I've been mine, and mine at this. All right, come on. The boys will be back and jump a few seconds, folks. But first, we want you to hear this. Sometimes I wish every motorist was a graduate petroleum engineer. Then we could get right down to cases and tell you just how and where and why PDQ gasoline is different, and my selling job would be all done. Incidentally, any of you who know the technical side and who have available the monthly reports on motor fuels, take a look at the current report. We're pretty proud of how PDQ stacks up. For the rest of us who wouldn't know gasoline specifications from sour grape juice, let me say that PDQ is clean. PDQ is balanced. Just right for famous PDQ performance without burning up your motor. PDQ is rich. Made that way to deliver PDQ's traditional two-to-six more miles. The way for you to get these extra advantages is pretty simple. You just drive into the neighborhood PDQ service station and fill up with our gas. Do that, will you? And then I can quit worrying about you and start working on somebody else. Thanks, boys, for being quiet. Now you can go on with the Abbot and Costello show. And now here are Abbot and Costello with a final word. Well, Lou, now would be a good time to tell our listeners about our new Saturday morning kid show. Folks, every Saturday morning on this network, Abbot and I are doing a special show for kids featuring the Lou Costello Junior Youth Foundation Award. Hundreds of dollars in cash and valuable prizes will be given to the boy or girl of the week. Listen Saturday morning for our next broadcast with our special kid guest star, Lou Anna Patton, star of Walt Disney Pictures. Good night, everybody. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night to everybody in Patterson. Good night. Listen each Wednesday night at this time for another great Abbot and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vander and featuring Susan Miller and the left-back singer. This is Michael Roy saying goodbye until this same time next Wednesday. Stay tuned now for the Jack Parr show which follows immediately. The Abbot and Costello! Ladies and gentlemen, here's a special announcement. Christmas seals are on their way. Those colorful stamps that financed the fight against tuberculosis. Watch for real Christmas seals in the mail and use them generously. Stay tuned now for Jack...