 The beer that made Milwaukee famous presents the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. This is Ronald Coleman. Benita Coleman. Inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College as the guests of our sponsors, the brewers of Schlitz Beer. The taste of Schlitz. The taste so many people prefer has made Schlitz Beer first in sales in the USA. If you like good beer, do as millions of people are doing all over the nation. Ask for Schlitz, the most popular beer in history. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy USA. It's the post-Prandial period at number one faculty role. Post-Prandial being euphemism for a, oh, let's let the dinner dishes go for a while. And Dr. William Todd Underhall, Ivy's president, sinks happily into his big leather chair for a little after-dinner conversation with his wife, Victoria, who was almost too beautiful to be as intelligent as she is. Dr. Hall says, Ah, that was a splendid dinner, Vicki, and you should... Oh, why are you gazing at me with that air of concern? I had an easy day and, except for some slight difficulty in keeping my eyes open, my health is excellent. Then why didn't you sleep well last night? Well, to use the Yankee technique of answering a question with a question, how did you know I didn't sleep well? No, I had you get up and look at the clock two, three times and toss around some more and then go to the kitchen for something. Milk? I'm sorry if I disturbed you, darling. Why didn't you let me know you were awake? A glass of milk is a pallid substitute for your stimulating conversation. Oh, thank you. But I was afraid I'd wake you even up. Even upper? Waking you more upper? Incidentally, now, what is there about a glass of milk that is the first thing you think of when you can't sleep? That's an interesting thought. I suppose it's a subconscious effort to achieve the calm, imperturbable, placidity of the cow. It's a belief held by almost all primitive races that we partake of the qualities of the things we eat. A pot roast of puma for courage. Monkey stew for agility. Rib of rhinoceros for strength and so on. So I presume it's the nudge of racial memory which sends a seeking tranquility in the juice of the jerseys. It is possible that we... Well, what is it, Vicki? I thought I heard a sound. But this being hell week on the campus, the sounds of sirens, shots and the low moans of fraternity pledges are to be expected. Then what did keep you awake last night? I really don't know. I might have been restless because my blankets kept slipping off. Or my blankets may have kept slipping off because I was restless. However, it just might have been that lamb curry we had at Professor Quinn Cannon's. Did you try counting sheep? No, dear. After so much curry lamb, the idea was untold. No, I finally got to sleep with the Indians. Were Indians as in Bombay or Indians as in Wyoming? No, they're the American Indians here. I found myself trying to think of Indian tribes alphabetically. Paches, Arapahos, Algonquins, Blackfeet, Beavers, Banachs, Chippewas, Crows, Cherokees, Delaware's, Decoters, Eskimos Labrador, Eskimos Mackenzie, Eskimos Greenland, Flathead... No, I think you cheated using three kinds of Eskimos. Oh, no, no, no, dear. They are as distinct from one another as the Wyandots and the Shawnees. However... Question. Yes? How did you come out with T, U, V, W, X, Y and Z? Tuku Kamkaris, Umatillas, Varmins, Winnebagoes, Yakimos and Zunes. It's fantastic. But at the same time, I'm a little bit suspicious about the Varmins. Well, that's ethnological license. Hmm? Generic term used by fur trappers. Oh. Well, you left out X. Ah, yes, yes, the X. That, uh... That's the one that kept me tossing till the break of dawn. And the answer was so obvious that I, um... Well, what Varmins could that be, coming to our little wigwam at this time of the night? Big chief, no shut-eye. Mm-hmm. Me go look. Hello, Dr. Hall. Ah, Chief, thank you. The party is late, but can I have a minute? Sure, come in. Victoria, you've met Mr. Bentley, I've his chief of police. Yes, good evening, Miss Hall. Hello there. Sit down, Chief. Oh, thank you. Well, all I can't say long, I've got to go back to the city hall and pretend I'm not cheating the taxpayers. They expect me to put in a 14-hour day, and I prefer a six-hour day, so I compromise on 10. With two hours for lunch and a nap in the office, I come out all right. Doc, I've got a problem. Well, good for you. This is the first time he's opened his eyes wide all evening. Well, one of your students is in the hospital, Doc. Oh. Paternity pledge named Lacey. Steve Lacey? Lacey, Lacey, Victoria, you were... No, I don't think I know him, Toddie. Is it an accident? Uh, well, yes, Miss Hall, if you can call being in a state of shock from hazing an accident. How badly has he hurt, Chief? Well, not at all, physically. You see, some of your bird-brained students were giving him the works and told him they were going to brand him with a red hot iron. Naturally, they just blindfolded him and used a chunk of ice on his back. Well, but that's horrible. Well, standard formula, Miss Hall. It seems Lacey had been in a bad fire when he was a kid and his mind just wasn't conditioned to this kind of a gag. Result shock. I'm shocked, too. Well, you've probably come out all right, but I thought you ought to know. Of course, thank you. Unless superficially it seems like a harmless prank, but if some boy with a weak heart... That boy would never admit to having a bad heart. He'd just say nothing and suffer whatever they gave him. Yes, you're quite right, Vicky. The real danger in hazing lies in its unthinking application to the fit and the unfit. The indignities heaped upon a freshman student are designed to teach him humility towards his theoretical betters and to remove any cocksure-ness he may have acquired as a high school basketball star. But in individual cases, hazing can be not only cruel, but actually dangerous. Well, you know the police department's policy on student shenanigans dark. They sort of look the other way. It's just exuberance and the kids' pay for any damage. But when somebody gets in real trouble, we get to ask some embarrassing questions. So I thought I'd toss it into your lap. I hope Steve Lacey doesn't have to pay his own hospital expenses. That would be really adding insult to injury. No, the young intellectuals who put him in there and shipping in for him is all. He's got the biggest room in the hospital, the prettiest nurse and the best doctor. That's all very thoughtful, but it's a little late. Late indeed. I'm sure he'll enjoy himself, but if he suffers some permanent mental damage from this idiocy, the feeling of guilt among the participants will or should last them all their lives. At least they seem to be trying to make up for their mistake. Oh, they're pretty decent kids, really, but hazing's been going on since the second caveman started school to learn tiger skinny. The first caveman probably worked him over with a stone hatchet. These boys expect to get it their first year on the X3 tradition. I know. What is bad enough for grandfathers good enough for them? I'm afraid the longevity of the tradition doesn't mitigate its dangers. Murder is also a matter of some antiquity, but it is never qualified as an acceptable social custom. Chief, thank you for coming over. You're welcome, Doc. I know you have your own mountains to make molehills out of, but this seemed to be in your department. Oh, by the way, you want the names of the Hazers? I don't like to rattle the cup on anybody, but it's no particular secret. Oh, you needn't tell me, but I'd appreciate it if you'd asked the leader to call on me tonight, if possible. All right. He'll be at the hospital. I'm going right back here anyway, as long as you're going to talk to him. His name is Larry Rogers. Aren't I the old tattletale? Chief, will you call us in the hospital and tell us how the lazy boy's doing? Yes, ma'am, I will. Well, good night, Doc. Good night. And look, if you can get rid of hazing this brain factory of yours, you earn the gratitude of the entire Ivy Police Force. We've got enough trouble without fishing fraternity pledges out of the reservoir every year. I'll do what I can, Chief. And if you should detect the order of brimstone in the near future, don't be alarmed for your personal salvation. It'll just be me working like the devil against Hell Week. From week to week. As we return to the halls of Ivy, Mrs. Hall is on the telephone, getting a report on the student victim of a hazing episode. Yes, Larry. That's an official opinion, isn't it? I mean, it's not just your own diagnosis. Well, I'm glad to hear it, and thank you very much for calling. What? Well, yes, in that case, come in sometime tomorrow. Yes, I'll tell him. Goodbye, Larry. Larry? Larry Rogers, one of the hazing group who put Steve Lacey in the hospital. He was phoning from there. Well, I gather that Lacey is improving. Yes, they say he'll be all right now. Yeah, rather glib assurance. A psychic scar of such depth that it can throw a healthy young man in a shock is not to be erased by a few sedatives and alcohol rub and at night in the hospital. But as I am neither a psychiatrist nor a physician, I shall devote my attention to the cause, not the cure. You mean hazing? I do mean hazing. Larry Rogers seemed terribly contrite about the whole incident. Oh, he probably is. He has my complete sympathy. He is a more or less innocent victim of a barbarous tribal custom, which I shall do my best to eliminate. Oh, be shrieks of protest from the fraternity groups and from the alumni who've lived through their own hazings and claim that it builds character. Oh, I know. I know. But I don't happen to care for character building, which depends on cruelty and hazards to mind and body. This college has been fortunate today that it has had no fatalities, not even in serious incidents, resulting from hell week. Well, let's hope you can get rid of hell week before something really tragic happens. What do you think you can do about it? Make an appeal to reason or official demand for reform and ultimatum? Oh, my darling, one of the first executive lessons I ever learned was never issue an ultimatum. Human behavior being so variable and life so full of detours, an irrevocable attitude is equivalent to looking one locking oneself in a burning barn. No, no, I always leave a door at least slightly open, through which to back out of as gracefully as possible. I think I... door through which to back out of. What a construction. Now make it the front door and then you can see where you're going. Any opening will do, which permits the passage of shoulders, hips and a conciliatory frame of mind. But I think I shall address the student body tomorrow morning. If I can convince the fraternities, they can spread the gospel. The Shakespeare said, there's a Greek invocation to call fools into a circle. Inclusion, ladies and gentlemen of Ivy, I feel sure that you will be as eager as I am to eliminate the evils which I have pointed out and which are attendant upon the perpetuation of an intrinsically immature tradition. The conversion of Hell Week with its primitive indignities into Hell Week, as so successfully carried out by such institutions as Purdue University and others, will prove that the student body of Ivy College has put away its toys and that we have taken a grown-up attitude toward our fellows and to education itself. Now, may I ask for a show of hands from those who are favourable to this suggestion? Well, thank you. Thank you, the approval appears to be unanimous and I am happy that Hell Week on this campus is now history. Major hazing is ending and I think we all realize that we will better prepare ourselves for the future by paddling our own canoes instead of each other's behinds. I accuse you of being a psychologist. There was no accident that you got the students together while the Steve Lacey business was the hot topic of conversation. Well, if you're suggesting that I purposely channeled their apprehension into constructive action, you're quite right. By the way, wasn't young Roger supposed to see me today? Yeah, about three. It's 245. 245. Well, that gives me a chance to open the piano and limber up a bit on some Bach, Beethoven and Brahms. Proving that I have other bees in my bonnet besides the elimination of sacred student traditions. You may have bees in your bonnet, darling, with some of your ideas, honey. I never known you to do anything which wasn't for the good of Ivy. Ivy has been very good to me. Oh, it may not have the great gray eminence of your Oxford and Cambridge, but... Oxford? Oh, do you remember when we were there? A beautiful afternoon when the sun was trying desperately to shine for the American visit. Yes, I doubt if anyone who ever saw those towers and spires could ever forget them. And, of course, to see them for the first time with a lovely Victoria Cromwell was to make the memory memorable indeed. How do you defend this dictatorial attitude? How, Dr. Hall? The suggestion to the students that we convert Hell Week into Health Week are I'd like to... That's exactly what I am referring to. Exactly. By what authority do you I mean, by what right? Look, teasing and Hell Week... That's the question, Mrs. Hall. You mean Hell Week? Yes. Well, I didn't even notice, but go ahead. Thank you. As I was saying, Dr. Hall, to interfere so high-handedly... handedly, I mean, to take it upon yourself, a personal whim, to... Mr. Wellman. ...aising as a mere matter of high-spirits, Dr. Hall, undergraduate exuberance. We can't make panty-waste of our students overnight to eliminate what has been the prediction... Mr. Wellman... What is it? The panty-waste may be a symbol of timidity, but it is at least a civilized gown. And I have such preparable to... to a hospital gown, which was designed by someone with no sense of human dignity. I don't... I don't quite see... I sometimes think that the hospital gown, the most slovenly, ill-fitting, humiliating abeliment, known to patient humanity... You do mean patient. I do. I sometimes think of this crude and successful attempt to degrade the suffering inmates of what should be a place of mercy and compassion, is a deliberate effort on the part of the medical profession to break the spirit and render the victim helpless to protest his other indignities. How? How can an ambulatory patient tottering up a hospital corridor with neckstrings flying, knees protruding and spine exposed retain a shred of self-effect. Dr. Hall. Hospital gown. Being made. Being made in only two sizes, too large and too small, hardly, hardly be expected to... Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Webman. You were saying... I was saying that you had no right, no authority to take such an arbitrary action and eliminate a tradition as old as hazy. Well, Dr. Hall? Well, yesterday, as a result of Hell Week, we narrowly escaped a serious consequence. By an uncomfortably narrow margin, what might have been a national scandal and a personal tragedy became a mere incident. It was too close, Mr. Wellman. Were you ever hazed, Mr. Wellman? Yes, I was, Mrs. Hall. No, certainly. Had a terrible time. Almost killed me. One night, they tied me up and threw me at it. But that's beside the point. Yes, I was hazed, and I'm proud. I bore up under it without acting like a crybaby. It's the smart babies who cry, Mr. Wellman. They try to tell us when something should be changed. I mean, when it's sacred tradition, when they are changed, when a one-man crusade can overthrow the hallowed customs, no care of it is the president who... Mr. Wellman... Yes, Dr. Hall. No one, I think, will deny that your contributions and your help to Ivy College have been tremendously valuable. As chairman of the Board of Governors, you have been a conscientious guardian of its customs and traditions. Thank you. But, as president of Ivy and considering myself personally responsible for not only the health and well-being of the student body and its energies into useful channels, I could no longer tolerate an activity so fraught with danger to mind and body. If you wish to question my decision before the Board of Governors, please, please do so. I have always found them at least as intelligent as the students. Well, well, thank you. But that doesn't explain... How do you understand about help week, Mr. Wellman? H-E-L-P, that is. Well, they're all about painting fences, cleaning up vacant lots, for which we have ample. I mean, if the town of Ivy and Ivy College can't maintain its own... If we are out to destroy the fraternity system, why don't we just... Excuse me, Mr. Wellman, but we have taken no step which would hurt the fraternity system. Oh, it has its evils, perhaps, and is often subject to criticism on grounds of being undemocratic. But in converting its more juvenile and sadistic energies to constructive ends, we are taking much of the sting out of such criticism and emphasizing the real values of group effort. Furthermore... Yeah, that's Larry Rogers. Oh, yes, yes. I suppose... Larry Rogers, that's another thing. He's the son of a fine Ivy alumnus and very generous with endowments. If we are to embarrass this young man by making him the focal point... the focal point of this attack... Excuse me, Mr. Wellman. Come in, Larry. Mr. Rogers, you know Mr. Wellman, chairman of the board... Not necessary, Dr. Hall, nor the boy well. Hello, Rogers. Hello, Mr. Wellman. I was just telling Dr. Hall, Rogers, that I felt it necessary to protest his action in eliminating the fine old tradition of heavy. Are you kidding? What? I mean, are you serious, Mr. Wellman? Of course I'm serious. I take it you think Dr. Hall was right, Larry. Mrs. Hall, it was the smartest thing that's been done around here since they put in electric lights. There were bull sessions all over the campus last night. We know we were acting like great school kids and when we realized what might have happened to Steve and to us too... well, Dr. Hall took the load off our minds. We all agreed we'd feel better about fixing up a church roof and autographing some guy's plaster cast. Dr. Hall... Yes? I came to apologize for being a leatherhead and to tell you I just entered another school. Another school, Larry? Leaving Ivy? My goodness, Rogers, when your father hears you've been forced out of Ivy simply because... I wasn't forced out of Ivy, Mr. Wellman. I've been dishing it out, so now I'm going to try taking it. I'm going into a school where they really have Hell Week. United States Marine Corps. Well, I... I guess there's nothing much I can say. I... I think we've been wrong. Again. The only people who never do anything wrong, Mr. Wellman, are the people who never do anything. It's not a very original observation, but it's comforting. And I... I apologize for bypassing the Board of Governors, Mr. Wellman, but in my judgment, a quick and direct move was necessary, while the incident was still fresh in everyone's mind. I think in eliminating hazing, Ivy has taken a long step toward turning out not only men and women, but ladies and gentlemen. In the words of Cardinal Newman, it is almost the definition of a gentleman to say, he is one who never inflicts pain. Yes. And in the words of Clarence Wellman, gentlemen should always make as graceful an exit as possible. Good night, Mr. Paul. Good night. Good night, Mr. Wellman. Claudia. Yes, my love. Let's go back a bit. The Indians. The Indians. Oh, yes, yes. Certainly. No, no, no, no. I mean the one that kept you awake. Indian starting with X. Oh, yes, yes, yes. The X. Well, that was Pottawatomie, who ran away and joined the Seminoes. Oh, you mean he wasn't... Yes, darling. He was an X, Pottawatomie. The starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman has been presented by Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. The taste of Schlitz. The taste so many people prefer has made Schlitz beer first in sales in the USA. Why don't you two enjoy the most popular beer in history? Next time, every time, ask for Schlitz beer. And now, here again, are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everyone. Good night. And from our sponsor, the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, there's thousands of friendly dealers throughout the nation. Good night. Good night. Next week at this same time at the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Mr. Wellman is played by Herbert Butterfield, Brian, and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn directed by Milton Merlin and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. To invite you to enjoy on television, the Schlitz play House of Stars with Helen Hayes, Margaret Sullivan, Ronald Reagan, and more of the brightest names of Hollywood and Broadway. See your newspaper for time and channel. Ken Carpenter speaking. Everybody. Preceding was transcribed.