 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Fay show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Fay show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharf in his music and yours truly, Bill Foreman. According to James Fenimore Cooper, the last of the Mohican Indians were wiped out by a rival tribe, but according to a certain Indian named Andrew Fasthorse, the last of the Mohicans is still alive in the person of Phil Harris. This discrepancy results in a frightening experience for Phil, but more about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. Your radio can give you long and fateful service if it's given regular and proper care. So if you notice your radio isn't up to par, if for example the volume rises and falls unexpectedly or the sound is tinny or if there's an annoying hum in the background, see your local radio service man. Radio servicing is a job for an expert. You can easily see why an expert is required when you look at the complex maze of tubes and parts in your set. Your local repairman has the proper testing and measuring equipment to help him quickly locate the source of radio troubles. And since he is a radio specialist, he's trained to adjust and repair radios to restore your set to its original performance. After a few tests he may discover that the cause of your radio's poor performance is weak or worn out receiving tubes. If that's the case, you can be sure he'll be glad to replace them with top quality RCA tubes. He knows from experience that RCA receiving tubes last longer and give the best service. So whatever make radio you own, when the tubes fail, be sure they're replaced with long life RCA tubes. Dependable RCA radio receiving tubes are the industry's finest, yet they cost no more than ordinary makes. And now the stars of the RCA victory program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Two weeks ago Phil had his Indian ancestry traced and was told he was Phil Fasthorse, the last of the Mohicans. Historians doubt the authenticity of this because according to history all the Mohicans were wiped out many years ago by a rival tribe known as the Kiwanis. The news that a Mohican still lives has reached the Kiwanis and as we look in, their chief has called a council of war. Noble braves of Kiwani tribe, Phil Harris must die. Why must Paleface die, oh great chief? Him not Paleface, him Phil Fasthorse, last of the Mohicans. That's not possible chief. Many moons ago, we Kiwanis wiped out every last one of that tribe. That's what we think, but one slippery son of our Mohican got away. Your great purity of Gamo will not rest until we finish task he had set before us. Phil Fasthorse must die at hands of Kiwani brave. Then oh chief, let me, iron eyes, be one to uphold honor of our tribe. I knock off this bum who louse up history. Where I find this Phil Fasthorse? Him live three slips away over two mountains by big puddle in land of smog. Oh Los Angeles. Yes, here, take bow and arrow. You must kill Fasthorse by ancient custom of tribe, but be careful iron eyes and do not get caught by great white sheriff Viscalus. And now go to the teepee of this Phil Fasthorse and good hunting. Alice, why did you call me over to the house? Oh Willie, I've got to talk to you. Something has to be done about Phil. Ever since that so-called Indian cousin of his, Andrew Fasthorse, told him he's the last of the Mohicans. He's impossible to live with. What has the heap big heap done now? But Willie, he's doing everything like an Indian. He eats, sleeps, drinks and talks like one. You should hear him. If I have to listen to any more. How? Happy sunup squall and how is princess with hide like juice from cow? What did you call my sister? Oh now take it easy Willie. That means I have a milky white complexion. Oh for heaven's sake. Philip, why don't you stop this now? Oh look who's here pale faced brother of squall. Little Willie with face like low man on totem pole. Squall have a complaint. What's the matter now Phil? Please call me by my full Indian name. All right. What is it oh chief Fasthorse, last of the Mohican, mighty warrior with hair, with hair like wavy wheat field? Hold them squall, hold them. Maybe you better take that from Topham again. Please call me by my full Indian name. All right. What is it oh chief Fasthorse, last of the Mohican, mighty warrior with hair like wavy wheat field, feet of running antelope and heart of mountain lion? You left out eyes of startled doe. I forgot scalp me. What's your complaint? Seven sleeps ago man came in house on wheels with bag on shoulder and took away cloth wrappings for feet. What's doe eyes trying to say? He means the week ago the laundry man came in a truck and took away his dirty socks. You learn them fast squall. It is now the moon of the dark red calves and the man with water tub has not returned. Wear him. I don't know where him. You don't know where him who? Pale faced dangle participle. We Mohican. Why don't you stop? You're no more Mohican than I am. Oh no, I got news for you. I can prove it now. I got a little tired of all you people saying I'm not a Mohican. So I wrote to my cousin Andrew Fasthorse and for $50 he sent me my proof of my ancestry. Oh what kind of proof? He sent me my pedigree and a blue ribbon for the best of breed. You sent Andrew $50 just for that? Well naturally I'm going to need proof of my ancestry when I speak at tonight's banquet that's being sponsored by the AF of M. The AF of M? That's right the American Federation of Mohicans. Local 47. Hey that reminds me Alice it's going to be a formal affair so you'd better go upstairs and try on your Indian evening dress. But I haven't got any Indian evening dress. Yes you have. You've got one now. See when Andrew heard about the banquet he sent a complete formal outfit for each of us and all he charged me was $150. Oh goody. I've always wanted a Madame Minnie Ha Ha original. You just wait until you see this dress honey you're going to love the way that it shimmers and shines. Shines? Is it covered with sequins? No a glazed cougar teeth. I've invited Indians from all over the country to the banquet to hear my speech and I guarantee that hark white man intimate with voices that travel over wires is ringing. I get them. Hello. This TP of Phil Fast Horse last of Mohican. Oh is that you dad? Me not your daddy. My name iron eyes. Just want to make sure this is place where Phil Fast Horse lives. Yeah yeah this is the place. That's all I want to know. Goodbye. Wait a minute. I hello I guess he hung up. Some Indian probably just want to hear the voice of the great chief. Well it's getting late. I better go upstairs and put my Indian suit on. I won't be long. I'll be back before morning dew dries on blades of green grass. Now what does that mean? I don't know but if you put it to music you might like it. Try it. And when we kiss and when we kiss and when we kiss well it's like this well it's historical it's hysterical let me tell it well certainly darling no two people have ever been so in love been so in love been so in love no two people have ever been so in love as my lovey dovey and I never before and never again could anything more romantic and beautiful no two people have ever been so in love been so in love been so in love it's incredible no two people have ever been so in love as my lovey dovey and this is unique the positive peak oh we are the most unusual couple i know people have ever moon such a moon such a june such a june such a june such a june what they mean is that no two people have ever been so in love been so as my mackerel and I and when we kiss when we kiss and when we kiss well it's like this well it's historical it's hysterical let me tell it well certainly darling no two people have ever been so in love been so in love been so in love it's impossible no two people have ever been so in love been so as my lovey dovey and this is the screen the very extreme sort of a dream you couldn't do well anyway no two people have ever been so in love been so as my lovey dovey oh no so if you don't take that off i'm going to alpaca and get a mohican divorce the headdress you're wearing is so exaggerated you've got feathers running all the way down your back and dragging on the floor well i look good in these feathers i think you look silly in a come in i'm not going to be seen with you in that hi alice hello ellie i came over to who sold you this crummy looking turkey well be funny i ain't no turkey oh curly it's you what are you made up for well can't you see it's my tribal outfit i'm going to a mohican banquet tonight and i'm going to make a speech and alice is going to do a ceremonial buffalo dance a watt dance buffalo dance you wear a hollered out buffalo head and you prance around and then the indians throw spears at you and the first brave to hit you wins an avahoe electric blanket with dual controls well i believe that does it i'm not going now honey you've got to go after all i'm chief fast horse of the mohicans now that makes me the top ranking indian in the country and as my wife you're the first lady of the land well i hope mrs eisenhower will understand well she's going to have to understand after all who was in this country first the eisenhower's are the fast horses he's right and now that you're the first lady of the land i think you ought to change your hairstyle you should wear bangs like mamie does alice ain't going to wear bangs well thanks dear she'll have to get a mohican haircut you shave all the hair off her head and just leave a runway right down the middle how's that appeal to you dear oh i can't wait neither can i'll get the clippers down away i'm not going to let you shave my hair off chicken alice that's the least you can do for me after all i'm an important indian all the other indians look up to me hey that reminds me curly when i came in i noticed something outside why there's an indian standing across the street with a bow and arrow pointed at this house an indian with a bow and arrow yeah hey well isn't that nice of my fellow braves can you you know what they've done they've sent a guard of honor to escort me to the banquet tonight hey alice you better go upstairs and get ready we'll be leaving soon in the meantime i'm going to go outside and ask my indian friend to come on in come on alice um fellow brave across the street why don't you enter my tp and why does that thing just whizz past my head it's an arrow i wonder what that's for oh no i'll ask him hey bud there's an arrow in my door now there's two of them what's he shooting you got an apple on your head i can't understand why i got oh now oh i understand now it's for my rank of chief you see he's giving me a 21 arrow salute you see he's shooting them over my head hey wait a minute that one went under my head that just raised my chin hey curly he's shooting at you come inside quick i'm coming i'm coming hey shut that door back yeah i got it what's the matter with him guys send him me a trigger happy indian why would he shoot arrows at me i don't know curling maybe there's an explanation in that note what no the last arrow came in the house and there's a note attached to it let me see that here you go bill fast horse as last of mohekins you must die at hand of kiwani brave signed iron eyes iron eyes hey that's the guy who called me before now why would he want to kill a cute indian like me i don't know i hey wait a minute as a kid i remember reading about a feud between the kiwanis and the mohekins the kiwanis vowed to wipe out all the mohekins and they did all except you me ellie would you like to buy a mohekin pedigree cheap you get all the papers and a blue ribbon get away from me well what am i gonna do the guy wants to kill me well he can't kill you if you don't leave the house but i gotta leave the house i gotta get to that banquet tonight if i could only take a some way to scare that savvy job yeah hey why don't you sing if that don't scare him nothing will that's an insult but i'll try open the window and duck yeah some enchanted evening you will meet a stranger not enough they took manhattan now them white faces are stealing my voice well is my singing scare and iron eyes off no he's still there got his fingers in his ears but he's still there that's all i need an indian music critic let me look out there ellie and see what he's yeah you're right he's still there i got to get rid of him so i can go to the banquet surely why don't you call the cops and have him arrested yeah i could no no that is against the code of the indians it would be cowardly to call on the pale face to settle our differences and i will not call the police because you're not a coward huh no because iron eyes just cut the telephone wires ellie and i gotta get to that meeting my fellow braves are counting on me and i'm not gonna let them down yeah hey curly i got an idea that guy will shoot at anybody who walks out in an indian suit so so all you have to do is get somebody else to put your indian suit on and walk out the front door while you sneak out the back door ellie whoever steps out that front door in an indian suit is going to get killed and i wouldn't let anybody get killed on my account except you thought of somebody huh think we ought to why not he's a small target how many errors can get in him all we got to do is talk him into putting on my indian suit or if i just get my feathered headdress on him at all together hi mr lawson hi mr harris uh mr hammer if you want to plug up that hole in your head the feathers are coming out i happen to be wearing my indian headdress how do i look like a sloppy peacock what are you talking about it's a beautiful headdress and i'm not gonna let you stand early curly the lad is right it doesn't look good on you because you're not the type to wear it it would look much better on a handsome man somebody like uh uh like uh julius abruzio that's the name i was groping for a handsome kid like him would really set off this headdress yeah hey hey here kid try it on i don't want why not if i'm not handsome i don't want nothing covering up my beauty shut your tater trap put this on it's a real chief's headdress and i'm giving it to you for nothing oh that's different i'll take it here i'll put it on for you thanks hey these feathers are very colorful oh you can't appreciate the colors in the house you got to step outside and see it in the daylight okay i'll go out in the back no no no don't go out in the back go out in the front the daylight's much better out there all right i'll go out in front good we'll walk out with you yeah swing low sweet charming for the carry oh that that's an old indian lullaby step outside and look at your feathers okay kid just stay there stay out there now you've spoiled everything by coming in what are you now listen kid you got to go out there again it's important to me what do you mean if you let him hit you just once i'll be able to make an after-dinner speech at an indian banquet tonight oh great i should get me so he can george yes he thought you were mr harris and if you'd have gotten killed instead of me the laugh would have been on the indian edward just trying to confuse him hey wait a minute wait a minute ellie and i got a thought what well listen to this now if we were all dressed in indian outfits he couldn't know which one to shoot at ain't that a good idea i don't like it i hate it look nobody's going to get hurt if three of us are dressed like indians he won't know which one of us is the last of the mohicans we'll split up my indian outfit and each one of us will wear part of it huh okay ellie you wear the headdress julius you wear the buckskin suit i what are you gonna wear indian underwear girlie let's call this whole thing on ellie and i've got to get to that banquet i ain't gonna let my indian friends down i just gotta get out hey wait a minute suit hey that kid's right i'll just take off this indian suit well certainly i got my regular clothes under it there now when i walk out he won't even know me this is a great idea kid hey wait a minute i need this indian suit to wear at the banquet well he ain't gonna notice it let's approve it mr louis and me and walk out with you thanks loads now come on curly just walk by him and pay no attention oh he's coming over here to us hey look now no cracks about me being an indian just keep your mouths closed and maybe we can get away with this i hope you don't think i'm looking in this paper bag stop i want to talk to you you with red eyes are you last of mohican named phil fast horse pardon me sir may see what they lay lay crepe susette me no understand what he says that's fresh for yes my name is phil fast horse is that what i said i better try another language mine hell the domain is horns open house you phil fast horse in you now look for no mr honest honest i'm not phil fast horse i'm not even an indian if you don't believe me as mr louis that's right he's not an indian if you don't believe me as julia that's right what you got in paper bag oh and it's paper bag well i got um um i got a dirty shirt a dirty shirt a pair of overalls a pair of overalls tennis shoes tennis shoes a feathered headdress a feathered headdress my sunday into no look mr that's all a mistake no all mistake you are phil fast horse now i avenge honor of kiwanis you stand still and die like brave if all same to you i run and live like coward stop come back you must die i shoot you on run prince that indian chased me all the way downtown shooting up a fail boom boom boom boom what i went through well it could have been worse oh now now lie still while i pull this last arrow out of me that was a deep one well i hope this teaches you a lesson koma haka genie koma haka genie what does that mean with your new indian name she's fast horse with feet like dartboard well we'll be back in just a moment since television began the really big advances have come from rca victor that's why more people have bought rca victor than any other television now this year rca victor brings you 23 new models packed with future features you'll find that this great new line is five ways finer 453 there's the new automatic magic monitor circuit system improved deep image picture tube new long distance reception and an advanced automatic u h f v h f tuner available at extra cost proved twice as sensitive as many other tuners and for 1953 you have a choice of 42 different combinations of styles and finishes the greatest cabinet selection in rca victor history even more amazing prices still start at only 199 dollars and 95 cents see the entire new line tomorrow and pay particular attention to the beautiful jeffrey rca victor's lowest price 21 inch console ask your dealer to show you why this set and others in the new rca victor line is five ways finer 453 this is phil again for girls who are high school graduates or college students nursing can be a career visit your nearest hospital or nursing school for complete details on becoming a student nurse thanks everyone and good night good night everybody included in this program transcribe or iron eyes kodi and chief yawlachi the part of julius was played by walter tetley the character andrew fasthorse was created by an eschewed under license from richard english what's the finger decoration honey oh this ribbon around my finger but that's to remind me you tie a ribbon around your finger to remind you what's wrong with the plain old string it's not elegant enough i wouldn't settle for anything less than a pure silk ribbon to remind me to remind you to have our rca victor factory service contract renewed this year that's right alice service installation and adjustment of our wonderful rca victor television set by rca's own technicians america's finest television service phil what are you doing with my ribbon tying it around the microphone honey to remind our listeners to get rca factory service too next year theater guild on the air over nbc