 Good health to you all from Rexall. It's the Phil Harris Alice Faye show presented by the makers of Rexall drug products and 10,000 independent Rexall family druggists. Good evening. This is your Rexall family druggist with a friendly warning from the 10,000 independent Rexall family druggist. Rexall's great one cent sale has only one more day to go. Yes, tomorrow, Monday, is your last chance to buy two regular Rexall branded guaranteed products for the price of one plus one cent. Now, there are exactly 426 of these twin bargains. Every drugstore need you could possibly have is included. And because it's such a tremendous sale, we Rexall family druggists don't want you to let this money-saving opportunity pass. Remember, the offer holds good until the closing of our stores tomorrow night. Exactly 426 different top quality Rexall branded guaranteed products. Two for the price of one plus a penny. And you know, you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to you all from Rexall. And now your Rexall family druggist brings you the Phil Harris Alice Faye show written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen his music, yours truly Bill Foreman and starring Alice Faye and Bill Harris. Today, things are rather quiet in the Harris household. Alice is talking on the telephone and Uncle William is telling the children about the origin of the prehistoric man. And so you see children, one of the earliest types of man was the Neanderthal. And you'll notice from the formation of the skull that it was the crudest type. It has a jutting jaw, a low forehead and the skull has a hollow sound when tapped, thusly. Stop hitting me in the head with that mowlet. Philip, please, please hold still. I'm trying to teach the children about anthropology and you're a very interesting specimen. You don't see heads like yours around today. Oh, you're just saying that. What's so different about daddy's head? Looks like any other head to me. We think daddy has a nice head and we like it. Only because you're accustomed to it, dear. The formation of his head is a direct throwback to the prehistoric man. Oh, it's just a shame that students of anthropology throughout the world can't see it. Well, why can't they? I'll shrink it, put it in a bottle and send it on tour. One nighter's made it. Please don't be ridiculous. It's... I wonder if it could be done. All right. I was only kidding. You got a lot of nerve using my head as a jenny pig. There's nothing wrong with my looks. I'm just... Phil Daryl Zanik just called. You mean Daryl Zanik, the executive producer of 20th Century Fox, the studio that made Wabash Avenue, which stars the new darling of the silver screen, Philip Wonga Harris? What did Zan want? Well, he said he saw Wabash Avenue again. Again? He's already seen it ten times. Well, he said he wanted to study your performance once more and, well, he wants you to come over to his house for dinner tonight. Well, he's wasting his time. Like I told him before, I ain't gonna give him his money back. But Billy's having a dinner party in your honor. He thinks you're a great actor. He does? Oh, I knew my four years as a dramatic student at Yale wouldn't be wasted. My fraternity brothers will be proud of me. What fraternity? Fiberta Kaplan. Philip, the fraternity is Fiberta Kappa. That's the road company. Phil, stop wasting time. Mrs. Attic wants us there at eight, so you'd better start laying your clothes out. Yeah, it's probably going to be a swanky dinner, too, so I'd better dress, you know, something appropriate. Alice, press my red checked mess jacket. Oh, but it's formal. Oh, it is? Well, in that case, press my midnight blue plaid, the one with a hunting scene lining. Phil, you'll need a tuxedo. Oh, that's okay. I'll wear the one I bought years ago when I started my first band. Phil, you're not gonna wear that tuxedo. What's wrong with it? It's a little too flashy. I don't mind the red stripe down the pants legs, or the green lapels, but that shirt is impossible. What's wrong with the shirt, Alice? Well, every three seconds, the front lights up and says, Swing and jive with Phil Harris and his doo-wop, Billy Fine. That's ridiculous. Well, I'll admit it doesn't look as good as it used to. Three of the bulbs are burned out. That suit sounds positively atrocious. Who tailored it for you? It wasn't tailored. I had it constructed by the general outdoor sign company. Honey, you're gonna have to go out and buy a new tuxedo right now, and I know a very exclusive men's shop in Beverly Hills that has beautiful clothes. All right, all right. If I have to, I have to, but I can't. Uh-oh. I don't know if I can make it tonight, honey. Frankie and me have a very important business engagement. What business engagement? Well, Arturo Toscanini is recording a new symphony, and Remli and me have to be there as technical advisors. Toskey won't make a move without us. Toskey, you'll have to struggle along with that tonight. Oh, but, honey, it's important that I be... Hi, Curly. Hello, Alice. Hello, Frankie. Curly, I came over a little early. I thought we could start a little sooner. Frankie, I can't go now. I gotta go out and buy a tuxedo. What for? Poker game tonight ain't formal. Poker game? Uh-uh, honey, that's the name of the symphony. It's called the Poker Game Suite, Opus 1, Movement 2, Dealers' Choice, Jack Surbetter. It's very similar to the Peanockle Polka by Johann Panasta. Frankie, I'm getting a little tired of you taking Phil out to poker games every night. He's my husband, and he belongs to me. Alice, let's be civilized about this. Why can't we share this boy? I'm not sharing him with anybody. He goes to these poker games and forgets all about me. Oh, honey, how can you say that? I think of you constantly. In fact, in between each hand, the boys and me drink a toast to you. And that goes on until 12 o'clock. And then we stop. Why? By that time, we have a little trouble remembering your name. I thought you were Bertha or a Lottie or something like that. I'll talk to you about this later. Right now, we're going to Beverly Hills and get you a tuxedo. All right, so we'll get it. Hey, Remli, will you go with me? I want you to go with us. What do you need a tuxedo for? Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, this is a big thing. Daryl Xanix is having a dinner party at his house tonight to celebrate Wabash Avenue. Oh, is that the picture in which you don't do anything? Yeah, I got to see that. Well, there's one song in the picture that I'd love to do on the program. It's called Wilhelmina. How does it go, Curly? Like this. Wilhelmina, she's the cutest little girl in Copenhagen. Wilhelmina, she has all the fellas crazy in the noggin, in Copenhagen. And the roses on her cheeks. And the music when she speaks. And how sweet her kisses taste. Sugarcane-ish like her mama's Danish pastry. Wilhelmina, maybe soon she will elope in Copenhagen. In Copenhagen. Wilhelmina, she will share everything including his toboggan. In Copenhagen. All the other girls say no. But Wilhelmina, she says no. All the bowards call Wilhelmina willy. But he calls Wilhelmina mine. Little girl in Copenhagen. Wilhelmina, she has all the fellas crazy in the noggin, in Copenhagen. And the roses on her cheeks. And the music when she speaks. And how sweet her kisses taste. Sugarcane-ish like her mama's Danish pastry. Wilhelmina, maybe soon she will elope in Copenhagen. Wilhelmina, she will share everything including his toboggan. In Copenhagen. All the other girls say no. Wilhelmina, she says no. All the bowards call Wilhelmina willy. But he calls Wilhelmina, Wilhelmina mine. Love the clothes they have in this place. Southampton Suitings Limited. It's the most exclusive shop in Beverly Hills. They specialize in nothing but English imports. Oh, how tweedy. Now fill open the door and let's go in, huh? Okay. What was that for? Princess Elizabeth is expecting. Hey Alice, look at what they charge in here. $12.50 for a pair of socks. Shirts $35 a piece. These prices are positively absorbent. Oh honey, look at these slacks. They're lovely. And they're only $125. I think you ought to buy a pair. Oh no, I better not. I'd only get them all wrinkled in bed. You won't be wearing them in bed. If I pay that kind of dope for pants, I ain't gonna take them all. Hey Curly, let's blow this English clip joint. They soak you just because this junk's all imported. How'd you do some? You wish to see a clock? A Frankie. What did the Bengal Lancer say? He wants to know if you want to buy a clock. Honey, in England the word clerk is pronounced Clark. Thank you, Lady Astor. Hey look bud, can I buy a tuxedo here? That depends, sir. You see, we cater exclusively to the British colony in Hollywood. Are you British? Am I British? Sir Francis, hand me my umbrella and I'll run this brighter through. He wants the law upon British. The silly are you. Define Englishman you are, sir. Not recognizing your controversy. I'm sorry, sir. I thank you to turn in your tea, babe. Two people are not English and I cannot tell you anything. We don't do business with just anybody. We have a very select clientele and you can't buy anything here unless you present the proper credentials. Well I didn't come in with no credentials. All I got with me is money. That will do it. For $450 we can make you up an exquisite tuxedo. $450? That's a lot of money for a tuxedo. It's worth every shilling of it. I guarantee you'll be the best dressed waiter in the brown derby. Look, Winston, enough of the archer treacher. Treacher archer. Archer treacher. Enough of the Eric Bloor dialogue. No tuxedo is worth $450. What do you mean not worth it? I'll have you know that all our garments are handmade by expert craftsmen or tailors by appointment to his magistrate. All right. I don't care who they were appointed by. I don't want a suit made up. I want to buy a ready-made tuxedo. Please don't be vulgar. What's vulgar about a ready-made tuxedo? I need it for the night and I don't want to spend too much money. How much do you want to spend? Well, I want to see one of your $65 tuxedos. Alice, he struck me. Now, just a moment, sir. Why did you slap my husband? He insulted our tailors. That's no reason to slap him, but don't do it again. I'll slap him any time I please. Oh, no, you won't. Oh, yes, I will. Ah, you mutter-eat soggy crumpets. Bravo. Alice, let's get out of here. There's another shop across the street. Come on. You'll have to go with that. May I have a hairdresser appointment? That's okay. Frankie'll help me pick out something nice. Well, be sure you pick out a good one. I won't be home till 6.30. Be ready, dear. See you later. Okay, honey. Come on, Remli, let's go to that store across the street. That store is just as swanky as this one. Why should you pay $450 for a tuxedo when you can get one cheaper? Where? I know a guy. What manhole do we find this guy? Curly, he's not in a manhole. He moved. He's got a very high class store now. What don't he harm to look? If you don't like his stuff, you can come back here. All right. I'd like to get a real nice tuxedo, though. You know, Remli, when I was a kid, I used to watch the entertainers on the riverboats. And I'll... Gee whiz, I've always wanted a tuxedo like they wore. I'll never forget those days. I just... when I was down... All right, all right. Sing and get it over with. In my dreams, I sing through here a whistle-shrill Like the whipper-will and of the whipper-will In my ears, I hear it ringing To the past, to me it is ringing It reminds me of that dear old Mrs. Sill When I loaded cotton on that stern-wheel-ship Roused about, knocked about They were the happy days There's no doubt On the Mississippi On the Mississippi Where those boats go puffin' along On the Mississippi People all go dippy When they hear a little bit of ragtime melody It seems I hear them singin' See them buckin' wingin' Hear those banjos ringin' Woo, my heart is swingin' to That Mississippi, dear old Mississippi That's where I belong I just have to close my eyes to see that sight River all glistening in the bright moonlight With my gal, again I am strolin' And her eyes at me, she am a-rollin' All along the levee, see those people prance Listen to the music, watch that shufflin' dance Loud in me, can't you see That there is only one place for me And it's on the Mississippi On the Mississippi Where those boats go puffin' along On the Mississippi People all go dippy When they hear a little bit of ragtime melody It seems I hear them singin' See them buckin' wingin' Hear those banjos ringin' Woo, my heart is swingin' to That Mississippi, dear old Mississippi That's where I belong And there's the sign I.J. Grogan Taylor extraordinaire If you want to have a fit, buy one of our suits Really, I think I've seen enough No, wait a minute, wait a minute, hey Don't jump to conclusion Look at that window display, look at that merchandise What merchandise? All I see in the window is sale signs Bankruptcy sale, goin' out of business sale Going into business sale Tenth anniversary sale, grand opening sale Yeah, look at that one, fire sale in June Why don't they have the sale now? He's not going to have the fire in May Frankie, oh boy, this This ain't exactly the kind of a place where I'd like to buy a suit So you want to buy a suit, ain't but Well, come on in and look around Well, I don't think I can Glad you decided to come in Put me down What's the idea, draggin' me in here Just a service to our customers Now what do you want? My friend wants a tuxedo, Grogan Oh, hello, Remly, hey, it's good to see you Hey, I see that you're still wearing a suit We made for you last year Yeah, it held together nicely I thought sure it would come apart at the seams Are you kidding? When we staple a suit together, it stays stapled That did it, let me out of here Don't touch that gone orb, it's electrified Now if you want a tuxedo Yous have come to the right place We can make you a tuxedo that is on a diswild It is carefully put together by ex-bite tailors Each stitch is a masterpiece of craftsmanship We'll get started right away But look, I'm in a hurry, I need a suit for tonight I don't think I'd better toy with that I say I need a suit for tonight And I can't wait to have it made Can't wait ten minutes I say I can't wait to have it made I said you can't wait ten minutes You take ten minutes to make a suit Well, alright, I'll put two men on it You can have it in five minutes Look, Gro, I want to see a ready-made tuxedo When yous have come to the right place Now, I got one right here and let us not haggle Because in this store, we only got one price Well, that I like, what is the price? How much dough you got on you? Two hundred dollars That's the price I drive a hard bargain, don't I? Hey, Grogan, Mr. Harris is a palamine He doesn't want to spend two hundred Have you got something for about seventy-five dollars? Well, yous have come to the right place Now, I got one right here on the rack That has been reduced Just look at this suit here, look at this It has got a slight factory imperfection But I bet you can't even notice it I defy you to tell me what is wrong with this suit It's only got one sleeve Guys got an eye like an eagle Wait a minute, how do you like the tuxedo on this dummy here? Well, that's more like it, can I try that on? Why, sure you can This is our Deluxe model, but I can let you have it for seventy-five Just hold still while I slip the jacket on you Yeah, okay Hey, Remi, look at this, this fits well Yeah, it looks beautiful, too Yeah, this is what I want, Grogan, I'll take it Here's the money Okay, let's have the jacket I'll take the suit in the back and have it wrapped up I'll be right back, we'll take a minute Hey, Louis, I just sold the suit on the dummy again That's the tenth time you sold it this week Yeah, that is the greatest decoy we ever had in the store I'll put it back on the dummy as soon as the guy is gone In the meantime, wrap up a tuxedo What size? What's the difference? We got his dough, wrap up anything How about the oversized one we made for Don Wilson, the one he refused to take? That is good enough, just wrap it up and I'll give it to the sucker This suit fit me perfectly in the store, but look at it now, this thing is four sizes too big for me I can't understand Wait a minute, did you take a bath before you put it on? Yeah? That's it, you must have shrunk It's what comes of having cheap skin I guess you'll have to have the suit altered Where? It's six o'clock now and all the tailors are closed We don't need a tailor to alter You mean? Pass me the stapling machine Oh, wait a minute, Remly, we don't know anything about altering a suit What's there to know? If the tuxedo is too big, I'll cut it down Walk over here to the light I can't walk Hey, Wiz, the pants are so long I keep tripping over them Well, hold yourself stiff and I'll drag you over Okay Hi, I put the groceries in the back porch and I'm going to... Oh, Mr. Remly, did they get the number of a truck that hit him? What kind of a question is that? I want to congratulate the driver What time are the services? Julius, I'm not dead Ah, he talked and spoiled me whole day Hey, Julius, leave me alone, I bought a new tuxedo and it looks awful on me Well, don't feel too bad, Mr. Harris No, but I can't understand it, it looked good on the store, dummy Why doesn't it look good on me? Why? Clothes look better on some dummies than they do on others Quiet, will you? We gotta order this suit so I can wear it tonight You can help us, kid You measure Mr. Harris, call out the measurements and I'll write him down Okay, you ready, Sam? Let's go, Morris Neck 15 Shoulders 15 Shoulders 15 Chest 15 Waist 15 Wait a minute Everything measures 15 You got a very monotonous shake My torso is a perfect V Now cut the clown in and measure me right Okay, neck 15 Neck 15 Shoulders 15 and a half Shoulders 15 and a half Chest 20 Chest 20 Waist 28 Waist 28 Hips 30 Hold it According to you guys, I'm shaped like a pyramid Of course, are you sure you're not standing upside down? The measurements, let's get started Now, Frankie, the first thing to do is to cut the pants legs They're much too long Okay, just hold still That's one, now for the other Yeah How's that look? One side shorter than the other You better even it up Okay How's that? Uh-uh, they ain't even yet Try again Okay I finally got the pants legs even Fellas, are you sure this length is right? It's perfect, isn't it, Junior? Yep, just an inch above the knee Oh, I can't go out like this My sleeves hang down lower than my pants Fine thing, you guys have ruined everything I'm supposed to go to a formal party And, well, there's only one thing I can do now Remly, you can help me While I go to my closet You're looking at third drawer there And you'll find Oh, failure Not quite, I'll be ready soon But what's the plan? Screwing three new bulbs in my old tuxedo Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment But right now, here's your Rexall family druggist With a message of importance to every drugstore shopper in America Friends, tomorrow is the last day of Rexall's great one-cent sale You mean tomorrow, Monday is my last chance at those savings? That's right, ma'am Your last chance to buy two regular Rexall branded Guaranteed products to the price of one plus a penny That's why it will pay you to put aside Everything else tomorrow And take advantage of this great money-saving opportunity For this one-cent sale includes Exactly 426 different items Every one of them a top quality, guaranteed Rexall product And every one of them going at two for the price of one plus a penny Say, I'm not gonna miss that If I have to call in a neighbor to sit with the baby Better yet, let Aunt Minnie take care of the baby And bring your friend along to share in the savings After all, a penny more buys twice as much I'll be seeing you tomorrow Let's make it a date all over the country Tomorrow, Monday Step inside the store with the orange and blue Rexall sign on the window And cash in on Rexall's great one-cent sale Exactly 426 different fine quality Guaranteed Rexall products at two for the price of one plus a penny And remember, you can depend on any drug product That bears the name Rexall We're a little late to do to this wonderful audience So good night, folks Remember, tomorrow is the last day of Rexall's great one-cent sale Tomorrow is your last chance to buy two top quality Rexall-branded guaranteed products For the price of one plus a penny Next, Sam Spade, then Mickey Rooney, a national velvet on NBC