 Hugh Jackman takes a break from fighting evil mutants to hunt down universal monsters in 2004's Van Helsing. The film features werewolves, vampires, jackals and hides, and it even has Celine from Underworld in it. Sounds great, right? Today I'll be roasting Van Helsing, a title that one might describe as the X-Men origin's Wolverine of classic monster films. Let's begin. This roast is brought to you by Patreon supporter Isaac over at patreon.com slash adamdoesmovies and he actually says this film's a guilty pleasure of his. It's not a guilty pleasure of mine. So we're roasting it today. Thank you for the support, Isaac. Buckle up. The film opens in 1887, Transylvania. The cast from January 6th is storming down the castle. Victor proclaims it's alive as he brings his monster into this world. And I know his name is Victor because Dracula's here too and he says it like a thousand times in two minutes. Victor. Victor. Dracula also has plans for Frankenstein's monster but old Victor isn't feeling it. Oh yeah, Vic? Feel this. Frankenstein's monster is pissed. He chucks a giant something or another at the Prince of Darkness and they both disappear on impact of the fireplace. Look at this. What's going on here? Just gone. I thought maybe Dracula used some sort of vampiric powers but no, he's in the fireplace. They show him a couple shots later. He turns into Mothra. Filch from Harry Potter yells to the mob, burn it down. The vampire tries to get to Victor and his creation but it's too late. They both fall to their death in a fire below. Tasty. One year later in Paris, we're introduced to the titular character Ban Helsing played by huge Jackman. He's tracking down an unconventional killer of the night. Well, good thing for him. He's an unconventional tracker. It's Mr. Hyde, a cigar chewing, hat stealing, CG reject from Scooby-Doo. They duel for a bit. Helsing takes off one of Hyde's arms. We get a tasteful ass shot followed up by a beautiful Cirque du Soleil performance that ends far too soon. Hyde turns back to Jekyll. That's gonna be final curtain call. It was Beauty, killed the beast. There's our hero shot. Vatican City, Rome. We get an exposition dump about how Ban Helsing was delivered to the Vatican as a wee little pup. Clearly, it was a sign from God to do his bidding, which is to hunt down creatures of the night and kill him. This is Hugh Jackman we're talking about so naturally his character doesn't remember his past. Maybe he too was part of the Weapon X program. Helsing is given a new mission if he chooses to accept it. He's to head East and take on the most fearsome rival yet, Dracula. Now the priest is praddling on at nauseam about some nine generations of family that's sworn to kill the fucking Dracula. I don't know, I'm starting to check out. Bottom line is they've failed. There's only two siblings left, a brother and a sister, and if they don't complete this mission, all of the relatives before them that also failed will be stuck in purgatory or worse. They need to get to the gates of heaven. The only way to do so is to kill the Prince of Darkness. Also during this scene, we find out Van Helsing has this special little ring that he wears and it matches the insignia on a torn up tattered piece of parchment. Can't imagine either of these things are gonna come into play later in this film. That'd be far too convenient. This movie has been on for 17 minutes and we have enough story here for three full films. Faramir enters the picture. He's kind of the James Bond Q of the team showcasing a lot of inventions that he conjured up and his name is actually Carl which seems very out of place for this movie. One of his experiments is 12 years in the making and he's not entirely sure how to operate it. Theoretically, when this bad boy's fired up, it will emit a range of light so powerful it rivals that of the sun. I don't even know why we're talking about this piece of equipment. How could this possibly be relevant in a film where the main adversary is a fucking vampire? You should imagine that. Helsing's making friar, Carl, come with to Transylvania. He's gonna be the comic relief of the film. We're now in the woods with the valerious siblings as they're attempting to capture a wolf of the were nature. This plan plays out in what I can only describe as dumb as fuck. They trap the creature fairly easily, raise it up into the branches and then decide the best route to take now is have the dumb ass townspeople just open fire on the cage that's being held up by frail ropes. Oh, also the brothers up there so they could easily graze him or straight up blow his brains out. But no, let's keep shooting even after the ropes start to snap. It just makes sense. Needless to say, this doesn't go well. All the ropes are destroyed, the cage breaks open and the beast is freed. They are also aware that silver bullets are required to kill this creature. So naturally, none of them have silver bullets except for the brother. It just makes sense. The really convincing, not at all fake werewolf starts heading after Anna. She's played by the super unattractive, not at all appealing on the eyes, Kate Beckinsale. The CGI now has her cornered at the edge of a cliff. Thankfully her brother who probably has a name that I don't remember or care to look up gets there in time to save her. It is gonna come at the cost of his life though. He takes out the beast with a beautiful shot but he goes off the side of the cliff. That's gonna be game over for those two. A Lord of the Rings-esque travel montage kicks in. The two men make it to Transylvania where they can hunt down and kill Dracula. Revolting on the eyes star Kate Beckinsale shows up to greet our heroes. This cold welcome doesn't last long though as she's interrupted by the three vampire ladies from Resident Evil Village. Thankfully Van Helsing packed his trusty wooden steak gatlin gun. At one point Anna has dropped on Van Helsing's face, crotch first, and now it's the only way I can achieve climax. Nipples McGee grabs Anna and they start to play fetch for a while in the sky. Everything's in the sky. She then home alone falls down a bunch of branches and right into our hearts. Side note, I freaking love Van Helsing's weapons. They're easily the highlight for the movie. Oh, well that and his whole look. I like the duster, I like the hat, I like the attitude. Let's continue. Not even 30 minutes in, it's already become Billy Crystal clear that the wire team on this movie is working triple shifts. People are flying through the air so much, not just CG creatures. Real effects work is taking place with towns, people, main characters. They're just always in the air. Van Helsing thinks fast, dips his wood into holy water and then sticks it in one of the ladies. The other two vampire brides feel their Mormon sister getting the shaft and they take off. Needless to say the count isn't thrilled about what transpired and he wants to move full steam ahead with his secret plans. His brides object, but he quickly responds with. Oh my God. And then this happens for some reason. What is this? What happened to them? Oh, what the fuck? At the Valerius estate, Van Helsing chats for a little bit with dog ass ugly Kate Beckinsale. She wants to go out and hunt alone, but he will not allow it. He Cosby's her quick with some gaseous Jello pudding shot. Not much good it did as she awakes in the middle of the night anyways. She hears a noise so she starts wandering about the mansion when suddenly the hunter becomes the hunted. The werewolf shows up, but wait, this one looks awfully familiar. And that's because it is, it's her brother. But before Van Helsing can show up to kill it, it escapes. Now Helsing's on the move, trying to hunt it down. Now the hunted becomes the hunter, becomes the hunted again. The town mortician digs his own grave as the werewolf from Fever Swamp knocks him backwards into it. On his pissed that Van Helsing tried to kill her werewolf brother. So he has agreed to help her look for him and not kill him, I guess. Dracula, Igor and evil Willy Wonka, Oompa Loompas are firing up the monster maker machine again. Wolverine and the actress from the 35 Underworld movies track the werewolf to Frankenstein's old abandoned castle, which appears to have some residents inside. The werewolf brother tries to fight back but then Dracula fingers him in the throat and then his evil despicable me minions strap him back down. And now I'm half-massed. The two heroes slowly walk between giant testicles. Inside of all of these sacks are tiny vampire babies. Yeah, Dracula's been getting busy. The machine works and the babies are brought to life. Helsing wants to see what these little bastards look like so he starts slowly digging his hand into one of the sacks like he's pulling out seeds from a pumpkin during carving season. It's disgusting. Peek-a-boo. A baby appears behind Anna and we're off to the races. At this point, I pause the movie thinking maybe we're close to the end. There's still an hour left. This movie's over two hours long. It's feeding time. The moms and their pups take to the sky to head towards town. Helsing opts to dine in. He has a couple of solid one-liners here. Perfect for the trailer. This is where I come in. Not that I have your attention. So what do we, some kind of monster squad? I added that last one. After a pretty lousy game of hide and go stab, Helsing completes his mission by plunging a stake right into old Drax's heart. Only he doesn't die? That's not how you kill him? Also he keeps calling Helsing Gabriel like he knows him or something. There's a mystery afoot here and I don't know about you but I can't wait for this movie to be over. Meanwhile, Anna fights a bunch of Ewoks. The baby vampires unfortunately have a gluten allergy and start blowing up. This provides the perfect distraction for Helsing and Anna to blow out a dodge via grappling hook. And once again, another badass weapon for the movie. No idea how it can hold what looks to be 14 miles worth of cable but we're gonna move past it because it looks pretty sweet. The two celebrate their escape by drinking Frankenstein's Monster Seaman but it doesn't last long because we get a life lesson here. You should never drink and stand on top of centuries old rotten wood. They fall to their presumable deaths and we're gonna shut this movie off because it's over. Thanks for watching. I hope you, oh nope, it's not unfortunately they lived. At Hogwarts, Friar Chad or whatever his name is smiles when he remembers he had a nice fling with one of the local whores. He conveniently rests his arm on a switch which reveals a mural. Back in the cave we have a boss fight against Frankenstein's Monster. Wait, Frankenstein's Monster's still alive? What? He explains how he's the key to bringing Dracula's children to life because of course that just makes perfect sense. He also explains that Dracula has way more of those baby sacks ready to blow. I cannot stress enough how much Dracula's been getting it on with these ladies. That's the movie I wanna watch. The hunters attempt to bring Frank's Monster back to London but they're ambushed during the map transition. One of the vampiric brides is on their tail. Making matters worse, there's a large gap in the bridge. One that I don't even think the dudes from Road Trip could jump over. They lose the carriage but keep their lives. The same can't be said for the second vampire bride. She attempts to rescue the monster not realizing at the time that it's a trap for her. Yeah, big mistake. Actually a whole lot of big mistakes rip right through her body. Exactly zero time to celebrate though because the werewolf is also hot on their heels. And now we have the coolest scene in the movie. This is definitely a trailer shot. Hugh Jackman spins around, fires off a shot right into the werewolf but did he survive with his own life intact? It's hard to know because there's explosions. People fall into the bramble. We're gonna need a transition to see. Yep, he's fine. He's okay. And might I just add the horses that got away with their lives intact? They got one hell of a story to tell. Let's summarize. The brother is killed for reals this time. Van Helsing has been bitten and the final vampire bride shows up. Sucker punches Anna and they take to the sky again because I cannot stress enough. 80% of this movie is airborne. These people are in the air more than they're on the ground. In the very next scene, vampire tits returns to announce, I don't, what was I talking about? A masquerade boobs or something? Sorry, I was really distracted for some reason. She unfortunately leaves. Van Helsing blows Frankenstein's monster with a dart and they put him in a tomb in secret so that no one can find out where he's at and Dracula cannot complete his- I should have! And he found him. He found him in the very next scene. Now at a ball, a lady starts singing like she's the blue alien from Fifth Element. And there's Dracula having a dance with one of the most hideous people he could find. Kate Beckinsale. Yuck. Just thinking about her. Ugh. I can't. Dracula points out that Van Helsing is in the room. Thankfully at that very moment, Fire Bob or whatever his name is, figures out how to use that little energy ball and boom goes the dynamite. The entire vampire house is taken out in one foul swoop. This caught me completely off guard. I had no idea that weapon was gonna come back into play. What smart writing we have here. Very, very chef's kiss. The movie should be winding down but we still have 30 minutes to go. Van Helsing has an angry wolfgasm. Upon finding out, the Vatican wanna kill both Frankenstein and him. Sherlock and company find out that Dracula was offered a second chance at life from the devil. A bunch more monologuing, a bunch more backstory. Let's keep going. They go back to the mural. He uses this piece of parchment which of course reveals an ice door that leads right to the final boss battle. He steps through, Anna joins him and together they're gonna take out Elsa at her frozen palace. That was a frozen reference in 2023. Subscribe. Helsing uses his newly acquired wolf arena abilities and leaps up into the castle with his friends. Frank's monster, now encased in a block of ice like a fucking cartoon character, is slowly being raised up via old timey chains. Why is this so elaborate? On his way up, he conveniently notes that Dracula has a cure for the werewolf disease and that cure is more cowbell. Side note, Frankenstein's monster is an absolute diva in this movie. This is just one scene of him and how he acts. The whole movie's like this. Save yourself. Oh my God, Hugh Jackman giving us his most convincing performance to date has to kiss ugly ass Kate Beckinsale right on her dumb lips. Could you even imagine such? I might just leave the acting industry if that's what I'm set to do. Oh my God, I don't even think, I don't know how he did it. Bravo. Absolutely bravo to him. Yeah, they're in love now. I guess all the talk of killing her brother and then actually killing her brother really got her in the mood. The superconductor monster is now in place. High above Dracula's castle and high above the mucky muck. With him now in place, Dracula can give the go-ahead to flip the switch, igniting electrical jolt the likes you've never seen, forcing through these giant testicles, giving life to the vampire babies inside. What a story. What a rich story we have here. Dr. Evil Henchmen are just doing their jobs when douchey Van Helsing jumps in and crashes the party. Meanwhile, a good old fashioned bat fight is taking place between sugar boobs and Van Helsing's new girlfriend. The vampire bride is acting more and more like Sindel from Mortal Kombat and I love it. Meanwhile, Friar Mitch is duking it out with Biff from the end of Back to the Future part one. The machine is fully activated. Frank and Weenie reach his climax and of course this leads him to fall around in the air for quite some time. This whole movie's in the air. Everyone's in the air. Dracula, Frankie, the hunchback of Notre Dame. Anna, everyone is in the air. Vampire lady starts tonguing Kate Beckinsale. Yup, 100% up. Friar Cuck saves Frank. Van Helsing kills a bunch of shy guys, then transforms in what can only be described as one of the greatest CG creations since Dwayne The Rock Johnson and the Mummy 2. We have a Mortal Kombat Annihilation showdown. It's the werewolf versus the vampire. And now Dracula will fly to him and they will battle to the death. Black and blue, fight night. It's the greatest gladiator matchup in the history of the world. God versus man, day versus night. Son of Satan versus Wolf of Vatican. Frank starts hot dog and in front of Anna. He tells her to go help Wolf Helsing as he Looney Tunes throws the lady across the room. This leads to the most humorous exchange in the film, which is saying a lot. What are these faces? What is this reaction? In a scene straight out of Indiana Jones in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skullfuck. Anna starts monkey on Vine swinging from, I don't know what these are, cables, ropes arbitrarily placed in the air. Everyone is in the air all the time, always. We have a very nice Spider-Man 2-esque rain moment. Wet T-shirt, rain tattering down on her. It's unfortunately over quickly. Anna turns her into flubber. The killer instinct final battle finally concludes with a now shirtless, smoking hot Hugh Jackman going mano e deado. Oh wait, no, they're back in animal form and he's dead. Okay, well, that's fine. I guess he just wanted to communicate a little as a human and then take him out. Fryer Todd's back, baby. And he attempts to penetrate the Wolf-Man with his long steel shaft. But Anna beats him to the punch. She sticks him with the antidote. Unfortunately, it came at a price. And that cost her life. We get a final shot of her dressed up, laying on her back. Looks terrible, of course. She looks just absolutely atrocious through this whole film. Kate Beckinsale, I can't stress enough how horrible on the eyes she is. Just completely disgusting to look at. Monster Mash Waves Goodbye takes off to sea where hopefully the waves swallow him up and he's killed later off-camera. That's it. In my head canon, he is. Van Helsing looks up to the heavens. Everything's in the sky. And he sees his beloved Anna looking down, teardrop and all. She's reunited with her family up in the clouds like it's some sort of Lion King Mufasa bullshit. Helsing and Fryer Craig or whatever his name is right off into the sunset and onto their next adventure. And I'm sure it's gonna be a fun time with tons of mystery, tons of wild lands to explore. I can't wait to see what amazing quests our heroes go on to get. And it's canceled. They don't do another one. This is a one and done situation. It's a one and dumb situation. The movie's a train wreck. It has some good ideas. It has some cool moments. I like the tech. Jackman's fine as kind of your no-nonsense hunter. Very cool. Obviously, Kate Begincel is smoking hot. If you didn't pick up on my sarcasm earlier that's on you, not me. And out of all the movies I've had the dishonor and the displeasure of roasting this is probably the best. The performance Richard Roxburgh gives his Dracula is so schlocky, complete and full on ham. And you can't help but smile a little bit at it. And Kate Begincel, her accent in this movie is leagues above everyone else. I don't know what movie she thinks she's in but her Transylvanian dialect is comical. Well, there's the roast of Anne Helsing. Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you once more to Isaac for being an awesome Patreon supporter at the Mithril level at Adam Does Movies. I'd appreciate it if you liked the video since you made it this far. Subscribe if you haven't. I post tons of movie reviews, rants, live videos and of course these roasts every single week so the more the merrier sticking around would be great. Also, if you've been here for a while and you don't get these in your feet all the time you have to hit the notification bell. That way YouTube will say, hey, on your homepage you're gonna see a little bit of this guy's mug every once in a while instead of me being buried under a bunch of bullshit. Thanks again for watching and hopefully I see you next time. And if you're wondering what roasts are coming up I have two more planned out already. One for showgirls and one for street fighter the movie. We're gonna be good. ["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"]