 Screen Directors Playhouse, Stars, Rosalind Russell, Fred McBurray, Production, Take a Letter, Darling, Director, Mitchell Lysen. This is the Screen Directors Playhouse, the Thursday Night feature on NBC's All-Star Festival of Comedy, Music, Mystery, and Drama. Brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television, and by the makers of Anison, for fast relief from the pain of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia. The Screen Directors Playhouse is pleased to present a most distinctive blend of love and laughter. Here transcribed is our adaptation of the motion picture comedy, Take a Letter, Darling, starring Fred McBurray and Rosalind Russell, their original roles of Tom Burney and the Gregor. Here now is the first act of our radio version of Take a Letter, Darling, hosted many a man in the hour of crisis. Picture the explorer penetrating the heart of a savage jungle. The condemned man, lightly facing his firing squad. Courage, you say, but can it compare to the daring of the man who friendless and alone stands sturdily in a strange office, stared at by secretarian's denographer as he points half-heartedly at a letter of introduction. Is this the Atwater and McGregor advertising agency? Yeah. Well, I've got a letter of introduction to A.M. McGregor. Yeah? Yes, it's about a job. You? Yes, me. What is this? Right here. Oh, just a minute, that this letter is for A.M. McGregor. I am A.M. McGregor. You? A woman? Look. Ain't it the truth? Well, are you through examining my credentials? Oh, I'm Tom Burney. I'm looking for a job and Mr. Dooley gave me that letter. I know. I've already talked to Dooley. Tell me, Burney, have you ever been in the advertising business? No. Well, what kind of a job are you interested in? A Burney? Never mind the in-islands. Oh, well, I had a kind of small income. Up to now I've done just about what I pleased. Which includes what? Oh, professional football for a while, Army during the war, shipped on a few freighters, you know. And now your piggy bank is empty, huh, Burney? That's right. Well, there must be some work you'd like to do. Well, there is, but... But? Well, that doesn't concern my application for a job at Atwater and McGregor. Oh, a secret yearning, huh? Well, at least you're frank, let's see. Six foot two. Three. A college education, well-built, attractive, uh, Burney, I think I can use you in my business. Well, what do I have to do? Well, it's a special kind of job. I got rid of my last one. Yes, I heard about it. He didn't measure up? No. No, I think you will. Are you married? No. Good. Any women in your life? Well, no. That'll help. Now, as to the job, your starting salary is $100 a week. $100? For what? Well, this is the type of work in which a woman needs a man's help. What kind of help? You'll be my private secretary. I can't even tie you up. Oh, you won't have to. Your duty is, uh, we'll be more personal. Oh, personal. Okay, personal. Give me back my letter. Burney, what are you advertising business? I think I know what you're advertising. Look, you are way ahead of me. I feel safer that way. For your information, Burney, four of your predecessors went out of here on their ears for getting the ideas you've got. Oh, the old ones. The old ones. Their unusual duties gave them illusions of irresistibility. Oh? Oh? Is that all you have to say? Well, I promise I won't be irresistible. Well, you start work tonight. Oh, do you own tails? Tails? Sure, but, uh, I'll explain later. Be ready at nine, full dress. Where do I pick you up? You don't. I'll pick you up at your place. My place? You pick me up? And don't use shaving lotion. I don't like it. Usually I like to put a dab behind each ear. Don't be cute. Welcome to the organization, and goodbye, Burney. Goodbye, uh, boss. Well, there's another one. You did it. Not the four-mast fully rigged. Atwater, you don't know how much confidence it gives me, having a partner who builds ships in a bottle. Keeps me amused. How do you like this one? It's got a pooped-out poop deck. Greg, I'm busy. Well, if things go all right tonight, you can buy a bottle big enough for the Queen Mary. I'm gunning for the castle soups advertising account. Oh, two million bucks. Bigger 15% of that. I'm meeting Castle and his wife for dinner. That wife of his loves you like glue in her soup. Oh, I'll take her out of action. I just hired a new secretary. Name's Tom Burney. What's he like? Oh, I think Bernard with ingrown toenails. Now the four stooge. Hope he doesn't go the way of the rest of them. You know, McGregor, the trouble with those guys is that they just don't know the difference between a woman and, uh... And a waltz. I don't know. What do you call yourself? A woman atwater. I just don't take it too seriously. That's all. That's all. McGregor, that's everything. Now, Burney, just don't stand there. Get in. Well, I, uh, I didn't expect to live a zine. Well, get used to it. Burney, you used shaving lotion. Give me a gun and I'll shoot myself. But I told you no shaving lotion. Well, if I don't use it, my face hurts. That's ridiculous. Oh, you try shaving every day and see how you like it. I happen to be a woman. Well, I happen to be a man. That has nothing to do with it. Well, it seems pretty basic to me. Your viewpoint, Mr. Burney, is distorted. So are your legs. What? See? You're mad. Man, woman, basic. I didn't mean it, uh, not your legs. Well, maybe we'd better get down to business. Sure. Now, I sell advertising to men for a woman that presents problems. Jealous wives, uh, that sort of thing. You, uh, you mean they're jealous of you? Ah. Ah! Well, why shouldn't they be jealous of me? I guess it's just my distorted viewpoint. Go on. Tonight we're dining with Mr. and Mrs. Castle, Castle Soops. Now, I'll get the account if I can reassure Mrs. Castle that I don't have any designs on her husband. Oh, I get it. So for tonight, you are my fiance. You mean I, uh, I act like I adore you. Don't panic, Burney. Uh, Mr. McGregor. Yes? Do I get paid overtime for being in love with you? Well, in these romantic business situations, Burney, remember, your wages are frozen, but you aren't. Well, follow me, I'll bring you down to business. Now, as for Mrs. Castle, give her plenty of flattery and attention. Well, Burney, tell me, how do you like your new job? I wish I didn't have to shave. Because I don't like shaving motion? Because I won't like facing myself in the mirror. Introduce my fiance, Mr. Burney, Mr. Mrs. Castle, of the famous Soops. Now, how do you do? Do you believe in Mr. Burney? I sit down, have a bowl of soup. Oh, thank you. Uh, Burney, you know what's wrong with this country? Well, uh, go on, Tom. Tell Mr. Castle of this soup business what's wrong with this country? Oh, well, uh, not enough soup? Right. This soup transfusions soup for breakfast, soup soda. Cyril, I warn you, stop it or I'll hide your can opener again. This nice darling, isn't Mrs. Castle an attractive woman? Verist. Hey, sweetheart. Oh, uh, you talking to me? Oh, Tom, you dropped your napkin. Oh, where? Right here. Don't just sit there like a lump. Be charming, the act like a fiancé. Of course, we shouldn't really talk business tonight. I just want to enjoy myself being with Tom. Say something. Darling, you remember the first time I kissed you. What? When we sat together in a cafe just like this, and I took your hand, and then I touched your face like this, and then we kissed like this. Cyril, look at them. And then remember, darling, I kissed your ears, your eyes, your clam chard. I just got an idea. Cyril, I warned you. And McGregor, darling, remember the time I whispered one more memory out of you, and I'll bust you right in the nose. Oh, Miss McGregor, you must be very happy. How does a woman win the complete devotion of love of a man like Mr. Berger? With more clams. He, he has affectionate, isn't he? Mrs. Castle, a woman like yourself, a woman in the full bloom of life. You too must know the happiness of a true and deep and abiding love, not without more clams than the chowder. I'm afraid that Cyril has buried himself in his soup. Well, imagine, Mrs. Castle, if you should suddenly decide to spread your wings. I'm sure that if I were Mr. Castle, and if you were my wife, I'd pour all my soup down the drain. What? And strain out all the clams? The consomme. Oh, oh, oh. Mr. Castle, advertising is one way to make sure your soup goes to the right place, into the housewife's kitchen. Shhh, my wife doesn't like business. Oh, but dear, if you and Miss McGregor want to talk about the advertising account, you'll go right ahead. I'm sure that Mr. Berly and I can amuse ourselves. Yes, perhaps you'd like to dance, Mrs. Castle. Oh, I'd be delighted. With your permission, Mr. Castle, you'll pardon us, darling. My arm, Mrs. Castle. Oh, Mr. Berly, I don't think I've ever met a more child. Clam chowder. I like his shaving lotion. What? Shaving lotion in my clam chowder? It's basic. He said it wrong. Nonsense. Clams are basic. What? Clams? Clams? Oh, you were saying, Mr. Castle? Clams. Clams. Chowder. Chowder. Advertising. Shaving lotion. How'd you like my ax? You overdid it. Well, that's okay. It won't cost you any more money. I'm not paying you to kiss me, Mr. Berney. Sure, sure, but it worked, didn't it? You're taking me home after a successful evening. Contract right in your hip pocket. All sign and seal. Or contract, not your hips. The interest isn't necessary. The hips, not the contract. But thanks for your help. For what? The contract? The contract, the contract. Berney, I don't know what to make of you. Do you like your job? No. Do you want to quit? No, I need the money. Do you like me? Successful woman, beautiful and clever. Do you like me? You're all right. Do you think you could ever fall in love with me? Would you? I don't think so. Oh, well, I'm glad to hear it. You're liable to be the best secretary I ever had. Well, here's where you live, Berney. Good night. Nine tomorrow. Good night. Oh, uh, are you going to call for me? Call for you, certainly not. Oh. This is a business relationship, you know. Okay. See you in the morning. And without shading lotion, Berney, please. Without shading lotion. Our drama will continue in just a moment. But now, here's a word from RCA Victor. For you people who are buying television now, that word is combination. Yes, an RCA Victor combination, which brings you AM and FM radio, recorded music in all three speeds, and famous RCA Victor million proof television. Now you can have all these in one beautiful cabinet for one beautiful price. Ask your RCA Victor dealer to introduce you to the kingly RCA Victor combination, the Rutland. With its doors closed, the Rutland looks like a furniture masterpiece straight out of the 18th century. With its doors open, it's like an electronic masterpiece straight out of the 21st century. So superb are its RCA Victor features, AM and FM radio, two automatic record changers to play all record speeds, and exciting RCA Victor million proof television, proved in well over a million American homes. Yet all these great instruments combined actually cost you much less than comparable console instruments would cost separate. Yes, with an RCA Victor Rutland, wonders never cease. But go on pouring out show after show, record after record, not just for one person, but for the whole family. Now here is the second act of the screen directors Playhouse presentation of Take a Letter Darling, starring Fred McMurray as Tom Verney, and Rosland Russell as McGregor. I hear voices. It's me, McGregor. Leave my office, McGregor. Is something wrong? Yes, the world. I'm sad. Here, your ship, your bottle. Take them away, they are as nothing. What has got into you? Here, I come in to tell you my partner that I close the castle soups deal and I get a death scene. All is just, Mac. I met a man last night who taught me to hate the world and him and myself, and most of all, women. Women? Don't worry, you're not included. Thanks. Who is he? I hear in print on the morning paper, spitting black ink through his teeth. Let me see that. Alamone Rackett, great US menace, says visiting tobacco magnet. There speaks Jonathan Caldwell. That idiot. If I were the Caldwell tobacco company, I'd keep his head in more falls. He and his sister own the whole outfit. Incidentally, a $10 million advertising account. Well, he's not our headache. Caldwell Tobacco has had the same advertising agency for 40 years. But not anymore. Caldwell's in town to pick up a new agency the way that guy hates women. A new agency? Well, what are we waiting for? Relax. I tell you, I've already talked to him. Well, I haven't. And you won't either. He's nuts. He's got a theory that women are responsible for man's downfall, traces it right back to Eve. What did Eve ever do to him? Four of her sisters married him. Four wives, is that all? Well, if I hated money the way he hates women, I'd be a millionaire. You will be. Look, Mac, he's paying Alamone to four representatives of your not so gentle sex. It's gone to his brain. Leave it to me, Atwater. All you have to do is to get me an appointment. But he won't see a woman. He'll curse you in syrupy southern accent. Just tell him my name is A. M. McGregor. I'll take it from there. Okay, but he's gonna throw you out right on your feminine intuition. That new guy, Verney, he's out there chewing the furniture for something to do. Well, send him in. Good morning, Verney. I hear you're bored. Yeah, I've been thinking of building a ship and a bottle. Don't. You're liable to become a partner. Ah, no shaving lotion. No. You're learning. I ran out. I see. Well, there'll soon be plenty of work for you to do. I'm chasing down a new account. I'll probably see Jonathan Caldwell this morning and at three this afternoon I'll be at Francesca's dress salon. You better meet me there. In a dress shop? In fitting room three. I'm going to have to have more money. Well, if this deal works out, you may get it. Hello. Yes, Abwater. You did? Well, when will Caldwell see me? I'll leave right away. Ah, here goes Eve with a brand new apple. You just sit right here, Miss. Mr. Caldwell, be right in. Thank you. Oh, Mr. Caldwell. Uh, McGregor here. Thanks. Now, uh, where's McGregor? Here I am. You are McGregor? Just as sure as you ever called upon. But Mr. Caldwell. No, you're wasting your time in the appointment as counselor. Oh, I think I'm a go to faint. Please try the elevator, Sharon. Oh, I think this is the altitude. Well, it must be. We're on the fourth floor. Oh, all right, all right. I won't faint. It's a matter of complete indifference to me. Is this Southern hospitality? It is not. We are in New York. You're here on business and so am I. You are a fake, posing as a man. I pose no such thing. My, McGregor, AM McGregor. That's my name. McGregor, AM. Sounds like something that gets punched in a transfer. Mr. Caldwell, I understand you've been married four times. Is that correct? Not only correct, it's revoked. Are you laboring under the impression that I came up here to be wife number five? I happen to be this country's most eligible bachelor since Tommy Manville went on the wagon. Well, Mr. Spangalli, I came up here to set you straight about your advertising. The fact is, it's the worst in the industry. Cheap copy and cheaper art. I came here with a briefcase full of ideas. Well, it could add millions to your sales. But now I can see you wouldn't appreciate them anyway. So I intend to submit the same ideas to your competitors. You, you Mississippi moose. I am not from Mississippi. You Georgia jerk. I happen to come from Raleigh, North Carolina. North Carolina? Nothing? You know, McGregor, you're just miserable enough to be honest. Thank you. Perhaps my sister and I would be interested in a campaign by your farm. You would? Well, Mr. Caldwell, if you'll just take a look at the sketch. No, no, no, no, no, no time now. I'll tell you what, this is a Friday now. I'm tired up for the weekend. But suppose you meet my sister Ethel and myself for dinner Monday night. Make it Dory's at eight. Dory's at eight. Oh, Monday. You won't regret it, Mr. Caldwell. Well, I know. I couldn't possibly have a worse impression of you than I already have. Good day, McGregor. Are you a floor walker? Yes, but in Francesca's we're known as boutonnier boys. Are you interested in the dress department? Yes, I guess so. What size do you wear? I'm just here to meet someone. Oh, your wife? No, no, my boss. Oh, I see. You must lead an interesting life. Pardon me, but what do you do for a living? I told you you'd hate me. I think I hate you already. Well, you see, you're awfully nervous, and please stop fingering the girdles. I'm supposed to meet somebody in the dressing room. Well, I'm sorry, sir, but that isn't allowed. My name is Tom Birmingham. Oh, hell, then you're an exception. I happen to be completely normal. Well, Ms. McGregor, right over there dressing room three, she's expecting you. Oh, well, I'll see you later. I hope I never see you again. To living. Adam, may I have a notebook with you? Yes, I have it right here. Good. We have an assignment. Tell me, how do you like this dress? I don't know. I've got my eyes shut. Well, open them. Oh. Now, would you say this dress is demure? Offhand, I'd say you wouldn't look demure if you were wearing a mother-hubbard. I don't know whether to blush or slug you. The notebook's ready. Well, first, we've got to learn all about the tobacco business. Now, go to the library and get a comprehensive assortment of books on the subject. Study them up. Then stop at the office and get... No, no, no. First, you better go home and pack a few things. Okay. Well, I'm not going anywhere. Oh, yes, yes, you are. We're going off to my cabin for the weekend. Your cabin? Just the two of us? That way we'll be able to work without interruptions. That depends. And what? And what you mean by a word? What you mean by interruptions? A real fireplace. Stop staring at the flames, Bernie, and grab a book. Life is a delusion. Well, what's bothering you? A secretary on a weekend with a boss reading a book. Well, stop reading. I'm going through this personal stuff on Coldwell's life. Poor wives. Oh, they all gave him a hard time. No wonder he hates women. No, you'll do all right. Why do you say that? You're different. The other is just girls. You're class. And Coldwell finds that out, he's hooked. And there's your contract. Thanks, Bernie. But it won't be as simple as that. It will be for you. You drive right to the root of the problem. Nothing to deflect it. No troublesome emotions, no reluctant heart. So I stand accused of being what I am. No accusation, boss. That's an observation. All right. How much different am I from you? Why do you work at a job you don't like? Money. And me too. Only my price is higher. My price is a low one because I don't need much to be happy. That's enough to... To see you through this secret yearning of yours, huh? It's not so secret. I just don't talk about it because a lot of people wouldn't understand. I'm an artist. You mean with paints? Uh-huh. Oh. Good? Yeah, I haven't decided yet. Fairly good, anyway. Have you ever been in Mexico? What brought that on? That's why I took this job. As soon as I save enough to buy a jalapeno trailer, I'm going back to Mexico and paint my head off. That sounds terribly romantic. Yeah. Tosco, Acapulco, Vasquaro. The thousand places and a million things just screaming to be put on canvas. Verney, I'll tell you something silly. What? I write. Oh. Tell us stories. Poetry. Go ahead and laugh. What? I like you, Verney. Well, thanks. Never fall in love with me, will you? Don't worry. Well, why do you say it like that? Nobody falls in love with a doll. You know why? Because there's nothing but a figure of a woman. Inside, wood. I mean, I'm a doll. Is that it? What do you think? I think I've never let myself fall in love because I know what it has to be with me. It's got to be thunder and lightning and fire and everything that's dangerous. I can't make a mistake because it'll be only once. Just once, Verney. I... It wasn't fair to kiss me, Verney. By what rules? Be advertising? Do you think I'm in love with you? Come on, Gregory. You're scared to death. It's the first time you've said my name. Come on, Verney. Pack your bags. We're going home. Why? As long as you're working for me, you'll do as you're told. Start packing. Sure, my Gregory. We'll work in the city so we can have dinner with the Caldwells on Monday and maybe I'll make love to Ethel Caldwell and you'll get the account. Right? Right. And Verney, put out the fire. It's almost out now, boss. Every day you hear more and more about an incredibly fast way to relieve the pains of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia. It's anisone. A-N-A-C-I-N. Now, the reason anisone is so wonderfully fast-acting and effective is this. Anisone is like a doctor's prescription. That is, anisone contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy-to-take tablet form. Thousands of people have received envelopes containing anisone tablets from their own dentist or physician. And in this way, discover the incredibly fast relief anisone brings from pains of headache, neuritis, or neuralgia. So, the next time a headache strikes, take anisone. A-N-A-C-I-N. Anisone. In handy boxes of 12 and 30, economical family size bottles of 50 and 100. Ask for anisone that any drug counting. You are listening to Screen Director's Playhouse, the Thursday night feature on NBC's All-Star Festival. Brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio and radio. First in recorded music, first in television. And by the makers of Anisone, for fast relief from the pain of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia. The Screen Director's Playhouse presentation of Take a Letter, Darling, starring Rosalind Russell and Fred McMurray, will continue in just a moment after a brief pause for station identification. This is the Screen Director's Playhouse. We continue with the third act of Take a Letter, Darling, where Rosalind Russell, McMurray is Tom Verney, and Rosalind Russell as McGregor. Digiting Verney, the driver will get us to Dory's on time. Well, that's not what I'm worried about. What is your trouble? Oh, the whole setup. You telling Caldwell that I'm an executive in the company just back from Washington? Capital Big Shot. That should make you more appealing to his sister. She's your assignment, Verney. Probably some silly old satchel. Civil War relic. You won't have any trouble. Just come up with one of my ideas now and again. Any questions? I'm too ashamed for questions. Look, boy, this is business. If you can convince Caldwell's sister that we should have the account, there's a bonus of $10,000 for you. $10,000? You mean $10,000? Just like that? Just like that. Then you can paint all over Mexico for the rest of your life. Now, how do you feel? No. That must be your secret charm. Well, here we are. Smile, Verney. Oh, uh, Dorman, do you know if the Caldwell party has arrived yet? Yes, and you must be Miss McGregor. I am? I've been instructed to tell you that Mr. Caldwell is inside. Miss Caldwell has been delayed at the Ritz Plaza. She'd like to have your car pick her up. Oh, well, thank you. Verney, you pick her up alone. And remember, Mexico. Well, Mexico? Well, I guess a hot tamale is worth a little Southern fried chicken. And start selling yourself from the beginning, understand? Yes, and it gives me goose flesh. Mr. Caldwell, you're glowering. Yes, I usually glower at women. Can't you manage a nice, friendly sneer? You know what you remind me of? What? Indigestion. Hotburn with bare shoulders. Now, let me explain it this way. Women to me are like cream puffs. And I'm a man who loves cream puffs. I know they're bad for me, but I've eaten for them, I've had four bellies. Now I'm on a diet. I represent an ad agency, not the League of Homeless Cream Puffs. Well, you look gooey enough to be dangerous. Well, I hear. And that sweet old lady beside him, that must be your sister. No, no, no. My sister's on the other side. That is your sister? Ethel in the flesh. Oh, brother. There's more flesh than dress. Johnny! Oh, and this must be Miss McGregor. Yes, yes. How do you do, Miss Calvary? Wonderful, just wonderful. Johnny, I want you to meet the most fascinating man, Tom Verney. Tommy, this is my brother. How are you? Glad to know you're Calvary. Well, let's all sit down. Tommy's just back from Washington. I don't know what Washington would do without our Tommy. Verney, I feel it only fair to warn you, my... The linely feminine sister is on the prowl. Well, of course I am. He's scrumptious. McGregor, I think you slipped up on those advertising layouts I told you to send to the Caldwells. I slipped up? Ethel doesn't care for them at all. No, they're not the least bit scrumptious. You see, my sister has the final word on all that for dust. Oh, well, of course, Miss Caldwell. They're just rough dress. Oh, Tommy, what a heavenly shaving lotion. I'd say it was scrumptious. It's scrumptious as just the words. Oh, and Miss McGregor, don't worry about the layouts. I'm sure Tommy can straighten it all out. I'd like to straighten Tommy out. Well, I'll do my best. Dan Cecil? Oh, I'd love to, Tommy. Excuse us, please. Tommy, tell me some more about your words. Miss McGregor, you look as if you just bit into your first oyster. I did, and the oyster just bit back. I was thinking about the account. Well, you got the whole evening to think about it. Because if I know Ethel, she's going to dance your Mr. Verney. Your case is nervous. Well, now that we're all together again, Miss Caldwell, we can discuss the advertising account. I think the best... I think Tommy and I'd like to dance again. You know, that's just what I was thinking. Excuse us, will you? Miss McGregor, what are you thinking? Oh, just a silly little thought about Tom Verney and a bolt of lightning. Do you dance? Yes, I do, Mr. Caldwell. My four wives dance. Let's not. Let's just sit here and watch the young people. My sister's a fine horsewoman, too. I can see that. Double-gated. Well, here they come. The last number. The waiters can stack me on the tables with the rest of the chairs. Oh, my, how time does fly. Yes, indeed. I haven't had such a good time since I got locked in a closet. Well, girls and boys, the place is about to close. Let's all just say good night and try to forget. Well, we, uh, we haven't even discussed it. Count. Now, perhaps we can do it tomorrow. Oh, sorry. I'm flying home to Raleigh tomorrow. You could take it up with Johnny, but it's really my part of the business. You know, Ethel, it's too bad you and I can't settle it between us. Tommy, what a wonderful idea. You could fly down to Raleigh with me, and then the two of us could just lounge around while we mull over your idea. There will be no mulling around during business hours. And who said there were his ideas? Well, aren't they? You're moved, McGregor. Of course, of course they are, but Mr. Bernie happens to have a very pressing business engagement in Washington, haven't you, Bernie? No. The president. Oh, he's catching up on his letter writing. Can I call for you at your hotel in the morning? Oh, thank you, Tommy, then we can have breakfast together. All right. That, I'd say, almost finishes the game. Can you, uh, think of another move, McGregor? Why, I'm just tickled to death if your sister and Mr. Bernie have hit it off so well. Oh, and I'm sure we're gonna do much better. Just, uh, take him down there and stuff him with chicklings and soak him in shaving lotion. He's all yours. The game has ended. Now, McGregor, life is like a ship in a bottle. Why is life like a ship in a bottle? What are you asking me for? I'm no philosopher. My brilliant partner. Atwater, have you seen these Raleigh newspapers? Society remants in the making. Ethel Caldwell and Tom Verney at the races. And here, Ethel and Tom at the flower show. And here, Ethel and Tom on the lawn of the Caldwell mansion. And here, go farther with Ethel. That's an advantage. Slurping mint julips out of her slipper. That heel hasn't answered a single letter. I've been feeding him ideas until my brain's doing a rumba. And what do I get from him? Nothing. Well, like I say, life is like a ship in a bottle. I feel like a ship in a bottle. Speaking from that sister of yours. What about Tom? He hasn't answered a letter or a phone call in two weeks. Well, I made a decision. Oh, about the account? McGregor, despite all my millions in my considerable personal loveliness, you haven't given me a second thought. Of a lot of my problems. But if you're hinting at my becoming Mrs. Caldwell the fifth I pass, I don't belong to the Union. An intimacy of bolder damn. Here again. Just tie a string to the door now. You'll find I'm very sentimental. I cried at my last wedding. It was about time. Well, I'll leave you all to get settled and welcome to the old. I have three phone calls. Well, I've been busy. I know you have. And for what you're doing with that Caldwell woman, I'm paying you $100 a week. Caldwell woman? Fascinating. So is a teething ring, but it takes an undeveloped mind to appreciate it. Like the fellow says, business is business. Some business. Look at these sample layouts. They haven't even been opened yet. She didn't like the first one, so I handled the situation. Oh, how? Well, one day Ethel asked me about painting, so I started to explain. Colors, how Van Gogh used his yellows and purples. And Bellini, his greens. My, but she must have been impressed. She was pretty enthusiastic. We could have just scrumptious if we could get those men to paint billboards for the Caldwell tobacco company. No, no, that was my idea. Are you crazy? Well, maybe, but here, I'll show you how it works. Might work, huh? Whistler painting his mother. And smoking a pipe. Caldwell tobacco, of course. Painting Washington. Oh, Tom, we could make a wonderful campaign. I want to get to work on the copy right away. Well, Ethel and I, we're going to work on the copy. Not jealous, I think, McGregor. Me? Me? Jealous of a full grown man biddling in his drool? I mean drooling in his bib. How can you talk like this in front of Whistler's poor old mother? Is that all you can say? One more thing. Well? I have to change. Cocktails with Ethel at five. Oh, pardon me. And you too, mother. She's jealous. She's jealous. How am I doing, Maul? Hi, Caldwell. Hello. Hello, Bernie. The master of the estate surveys his blooded kennels, huh? Beautiful dogs, aren't they? Has Ethel been running you ragged? Confidentially, I'm on my third bottle. Now, hold on your storm signal. She's a fine girl, but Ethel knows I'm interested in someone else. McGregor? McGregor. Like these dogs? Too much self-sufficiency. I think I found her weakness. Oh, congratulations. What is it? Jealousy. It's a neat trick, but it... Yeah, yeah, that's it. How much of it will she put up with? How far can I go? I've only tried this jealousy routine over and over. And the only time it failed was when I relented. Too easy on her? Oh, they bounced right back. You figured it's a mistake to stop. A mistake is suicide. You twist the knife. Even after you can't see how a human being would stand for such treatment. There must be a limit. When you're concerned, there are no limits. Don't weaken. Don't weaken. All right, I won't. Pour it on! Doesn't your sister ever get tired? Nobody's ever been able to stay awake long enough to find out. Jealousy campaign. Oh, I'm pouring it on. Oh, good. I'm sorry. Hello, McGregor. Uh, what's new? Well, I hope I haven't interrupted your daily routine. No, no, no. We can do this anytime. Not right now. Right now. Put your coat on, sister. Your pores are open. Say, Ethel, look at the way I can make my muscles move. Tom, honey, you all just make me too old sick to my stomach. Well, I guess Ethel and I will take a walk. Uh, you don't mind. You know, two's a couple. Never mind. I'm leaving. You can stay right here and admire each other's muscles. I haven't got any little old muscles. Oh, now, who are you kidding? Me or that bathing suit? Get to the bottom of the pool. Would you do me a favor? Sure, McGregor. Take a good deep breath. It's sport and tight. I can see that. It's very good at shooting fish in a barrel. Yeah, now here, you sit down on this band. McGregor, I'm about to ask you to marry me. To m- Oh. Now, now, first let me make my case. At this sitting of Congress with all taxes deducted, I'm worth in the neighborhood of eight million dollars. Not that my bucks are an important factor, but I just thought I'd like you to know. Well, it means a girl confidence having eight million dollars around the house. Well, that's point one. Now, point two, Ethel is going to marry Bernie. She, how do you know? Well, she told me. I mentioned it for purpose, McGregor. In hopes that you'll stop knocking yourself out over a man who's idiot enough to let you go. I won't. And that's point three. For the first time, I know what it is to revere and respect a woman. For the first time, your memory of the fallen and married. Tony, that's a very beautiful proposal. Do you accept? No, no, I can't. Well, why not? Not Bernie. Look at him as he's an arm around ass. Is that, is that the guy you're holding out for? Well, then, sir, we will do it, huh? Well, hi, don't expect us back for dinner. We're going to take a long walk through the woods. McGregor, I just proposed to you. Jonathan Caldwell, a fine man with honest faults and no pretenses. I accept your proposal. Good morning, good morning. In a lonely breakfast, Bernie. Thanks. There's the ham and the egg. The girls aren't up yet, huh? Missing a beautiful morning. The most beautiful in my life. How's the jealousy campaign? Oh, I really put it on yesterday afternoon. Twisted the knife. All the way. Didn't we? Strong as iron. Made her steam. She's almost out of her head. But, tell me, when do I stop? Well, you can stop now. How do you figure? Yesterday, McGregor agreed to marry me. She did? She... Well, that's fair strategy, friend, strategy. Why, you double-crossing rat. Well, thank you, thank you. Aren't you going to congratulate me? I think I will. Here's a garland of scrambled eggs to wearing your hair. And here's the ham. What, no ketchup? Yes, here's ketchup. Congratulations. I hear you are now a tobacco tycoon. Thanks. May all your children be cigars. What's that about? You're marrying into the family yourself, aren't you? I am not marrying Ethel. She was out for some fun and she got it. I came here to get a contract and I got that. Last night, she signed it. When Jonathan called well the fifth, you owe me one thing. A check for $10,000. And I quit. You're leaving? Yeah, boy, what a stoop I've been. I honestly believed once that you'd be taking that trip to Mexico with me. It was so real that you stubbed your toe on the Mayan ruin. I did? Did you help me? I carried you. Get there for a pint for you. You living on beans and beauty. But for you, McGregor, it's bucks. They're all that count. Have a good time counting. What a McGregor's partner, remember? Oh, sure. Sure, how are you? Excuse me for not getting up. I'm just finishing this painting. It looks pretty good. I just came back from Raleigh. This is from McGregor. Your bonus. Put it over there on the table, will you? The wedding's next Tuesday. Is it? Well, you've got $10,000. And McGregor's got a millionaire. Hope somebody's gonna be happy. She's made up her mind. It's finished. Yeah? Funny thing, I'd swear there were tears in her eyes when she handed me that check to give you. Hey, there's quite a painting here. Beautiful girl. Yeah, that was a professional model. I wonder what she'd look like in clothes. Now, there's a switch for you. It's really not a very good painting. I've been meaning to give it away. I could... Have water. Don't look at me. My wife wouldn't let it in the house. No, no. A wedding present from McGregor and called one. You can't do that. McGregor would take off like a skyrocket. You don't know the half of it. I could erase the head with a little turpentine, paint a new face, and... McGregor, you're a bad, bad girl. And then, darling, you stand here for the ceremony. Now, you've got everything straight. Isn't it terribly boring for you going through this year after year? I'll be a nervous groom as long as I live. Johnny, hate him. Good for Aunt Minnie. I love that woman when she's unconscious. I think I'm going to faint myself. Well, Apple, you're not fooling. What happened? That big package. It's a wedding present from Tom Burnett. Well, what is it, a nest of rattlesnakes? You. The way you worked your way into this family. Well, now we know you. We know all about you. Apple, you're not making sense. Look for yourself, the portrait. Go on, look at it. Well, if I know Tom Burnett, he could have sent anything from an Aztec idol to a... to a... Oh! Oh! McGregor. Oh, McGregor. It's a painting of me. Well, that's the face you see in your mirror. Look at the signature. To Mac, in memorial time. Oh, of all the childish tricks. Nothing childish about this picture. You didn't pose for it. Oh, now, cut it out, Mac. I'm glad you posed for it. That picture finally made a... complete woman out of you. Oh. Oh, I get it. I'm going to be forgiven. Why not? Forgiven for what? Never mind answering that one, Caldwell. You think a thing like this can draw us closer together. Well, hold on to your Mason-Dixon line, you big flub. I wouldn't marry you if you came stuffed with million-dollar bills and an apple. Now, go plant that in your protection and smoke it. Come on. Your plantation and smoke it. Power it under and grow possum. The naked truth. Tom Furnie, how dare you send that portrait of all the mean, contemptible things to do? Come on, get in. I'll walk. Get in. All right. You're going the wrong way. Uh-uh. You're going south. Oh. Beans and beauty. Tom. Are there enough beans for me? Could be. Here. What is it? A bottle of shaving lotion. Come on, open it. Now, dab it gently on my face. Oh, Tom. Did somebody buy this for you? Your partner. Add water. There's a ship in the bottle. I'm in love. Our stars, together with our guest director, will be with us in just a moment. Next Thursday, the Screen Directors Playhouse throws a solid punch of adventure as we present a favorite action star in a favorite story. Our adaptation is Lucky Jordan. And recreating his original role will be Alan Ladd with Screen Director Frank Tuttle. Now, here again at tonight's stars, Rosalind Russell and Fred McMurray. The show is over. The actress can go home. The basic ingredient of a motion picture. The director. And as the boss, I claim the honor of introducing him. Ladies and gentlemen, with a deep and grateful bow, we present the man who lifted Take a Letter Darling off the paper and turned it into celluloid. And he did it with the style and dash he's brought to such other pictures as Hold Back the Dawn and Kitty. Yes, and Lady in the Dark, Director Mitchell Lyson. Thank you, Ros, Fred. It's always a director's prerogative to have the final word and this is it. Once upon a time, I wanted to be a sculptor and hack away at a block of marble with a hammer and a chisel. As a result, whatever it might be, certainly could never be translated into laughter in the sheer delight of comedy. So, tonight, after listening to our motion picture comedy become a radio show, I'd like the director's last word to be a word of thanks. For making me very glad I chose film instead of marble. Good night, Ros, Fred. Good night, everyone. Who was presented through the courtesy of Paramount Pictures whose current release is the Hal Wallace production, September Affair starring Joan Fontaine and Joseph Cotton. Watch for Roslyn Russell in the independent artist's production, Teach Me to Love. Fred McMurray can currently be seen in the RKO production, Never a dull moment. Mitchell Lyson's forthcoming picture is the Paramount production, The Mating Season starring Jean Tierney and John Lund. Included in tonight's cast were Mary Jane Croft, Arthur Q. Bryan, Jim Bacchus, June Foray, Isabelle Randall, Fritz Feld as Anne Peter Leeds. Take a Letter, Darling, was adapted for radio by Richard Alan Simmons. Screen Directors Playhouse is produced by Howard Wiley and directed by Bill Karn. Portions of tonight's program were transcribed. This is Jimmy Wallington speaking and inviting you to listen next Thursday when we present Alan Ladd in Lucky Jordan with Screen Director Frank Tuttle. Listen again next week to Screen Directors Playhouse, the Thursday Night Feature on NBC's All-Star Festival of Comedy, Music, Mystery and Drama. Listen tomorrow evening to the one and only Duffy Stavren, the Friday Night Feature of the All-Star Festival. Saturday enjoyed the NBC Symphony conducted by Arturo Toscanini on NBC.