 One of the most popular search terms for women in the dating mating and relating marketplace is why men pull away And I thought this would be a good conversation to have Because the reality is when someone we've invested time in someone we begin to get feelings for someone We feel attached to begins to pull away whether it's physically pulling away or Emotionally pulling away it can feel like an emptiness or a hole within us and Oftentimes when there's an emptiness or a hole within side of ourselves We want to do something to fix it. We want to do something to change the narrative So I want to share with you what I believe is a mistake some women do in the dating process I don't like the word mistake, but but a reaction to this and I want to lean into a Conversation of how to explore a relationship where this doesn't happen in your life, okay? Let's first examine the early stages of dating when someone pulls away Now it could be for a variety of reasons you know when you think about it and it can be confusing for a lot of women too because tradition not traditionally typically today men will over invest in someone over invest what I mean to say is over Emphasize the desire to have a relationship with someone they barely know now oftentimes that desire is predicated on having a physical need met and not necessarily an emotional need and what I'm basically Explaining is those men who tend to come on a little bit of strong a little bit of strong a little bit strong love bomb overemphasize the interest in you as a way of I don't believe it's an Intentional hooking I do believe that men Oftentimes experience lust or limerence and limerence is extreme infatuation And in this extreme infatuation they over dramatize the Interest in you before there's really been a strong Emotional bond between the two of you because men oftentimes are driven biologically from our physical need to connect with someone So it's net what happens is I've observed and this isn't an excuse For men, but what I've observed is when we're in this state of chemistry What chemistry is is brain chemicals being released in our body that says I like this person I want this person. I got to be with this person And when we are fizic when that physical Bond or connection happens with them and I'm basically talking about sex Sometimes what happens is those chemicals disappear And a man for whatever reason doesn't recognize that I don't necessarily like this person as much as I did And what they do is pull away Okay, now it's not necessarily an intentional thing Well, and yes, there are plenty of men who intentionally use women. There are players. They're only in it for themselves They're self-centric that does happen. So I don't want to discount that But the same time in the early stages of dating when a man pulls away Many of my contemporaries are just would suggest, you know, I just go live your life Go live your best life show him you're living your best life Make sure that your instagram pictures show that you're living your best life to make him feel Less than or desirous of you I just think that's nonsense You know, I really do think that's nonsense as if that's going to trigger something And if it does trigger that person to want you back, I want you to think about it It's all predicated based on a game If you're just going out to live your best life now That's not to say that if someone pulls away in the early stages You you know, you should be living your best life whether you're in a relationship or not You don't need to do something different Now what you can do Excuse me. What you can do is attempt to have a conversation With this person. Again, I'm talking about the early stages of dating. I'm talking about those first, you know Six weeks, you know, 12 weeks. That's like the the first season within a relationship if you think about our our You know one year around the sun we go through four seasons. The first season is is just that period of Of uncertainty, you know, we haven't just in many cases We haven't established the deep roots of trust in that early stages of of dating To warrant some sort of stronger commitment and again if sex is Let's just put it this way If sex begins before trust begins This always caught there's always a bit of uncertainty in the early stages and trust isn't just about fidelity Trust is does this person really care about my feelings? Do I feel a sense that this person cares about my feelings? Do they have my best interest at hand? Okay, so living your best life. I think that's just a big mistake What I invite everyone to do is if you've seen someone pull away Is ask for an on this conversation with this person Now some men will go some men will disappear. They won't even engage Okay, and in those particular cases you have to recognize that that person didn't have the capacity to lean into A deeper relationship whether it's with you or anyone else and just because that a lot of times men End something with one person they literally attach themselves the next person doesn't mean that they're not going to bring their their wounds and traumas into the next relationship Now I want to talk about those more seasoned relationships where someone is pulling away Now I said a moment ago a relationship takes about a year to develop it takes You know the the fiery season the summer to get it started And then you've got the fall where there's the kind of the adjustment period Then you've got winter oftentimes where conflicts occur in relationship and hopefully you can evolve to the spring Of the relationship. Okay, let's look at each one of these stages the first 90 days is that amped up period of excitement You know, you just feel like you've met someone that you're really bonded with attached to they're so amazing, you know Then you go through a fall period because those chemicals the the rush You know that that honeymoon phase it used to be seven years I think and for those of us in midlife and midlife is different than those in their 20s and 30s That's why my advice is geared to those in their 40s 50s 60s and even 70s because we've experienced a lot of emotional up most of the times emotional up evil in our lives Mostly due to divorce that can affect how we operate in relationship as adults Okay So going back to these seasons we go to a fall which means that there's just kind of a it's not as high as it used to be Okay, but it doesn't mean it's dissipated Then we go through winter. This is where our stuff starts to boil up our stuff starts to surface It's usually about six months into the relationship where there where our Our childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas begin to surface in relationship and childhood traumas By the way, one of the most significant childhood traumas Is the fear of not being good enough a fear of abandonment a fear of not fitting in And dating and more importantly relationships can trigger these fears like nobody's business Whether you're a man or a woman and believe me men experience these fears just like you Now, I know you're oftentimes attracted to that alpha male that is so driven on his purpose and he's a he's so like, you know He's he's the most confident guy out there Believe me these men experience it as well. The thing is with these men with the overly confident men the overly successful men the overly ambitious men Their their emotional state is so driven on their purpose That what happens is they can abandon the relationship because they put the their purpose ahead of the relationship Did you hear me on that they put their purpose ahead of a relationship and i'm here to say as well our our You know for those of us divorced our children are important in our lives our professional aspects are important in our lives Our family members our parents are important aspects of our lives A relationship is also important I don't believe anything should be a priority now There are times when we have to put things in a priority And certainly when there's situational things that happen like a death in the family and adjustment in life You have to put those things in a priority at the same time if two people are investing In growing a relationship together, then the we is a separate entity that requires nurturing So when you think about there's a you there's a me and then there's a we the we is a separate entity And if you're with somebody who hyper focuses on their purpose What's going to happen is there's an imbalance in the relationship And they might appear these men are pulling away compared to how they were in the beginning of the relationship So we go through this fall period or this winter period and here's what oftentimes happens in relationships in the winter period There's more tension. There's more frustration. There's even more fights Now this is the period of a relationship where it becomes a make it break it period and what I mean to say is Conflict resolution skills is one of the number one fundamental aspects of a healthy happy successful relationship is conflict resolution skills This requires a level of emotional maturity a level of relationship skills a level of emotional IQ ecu emotional quotient now With this said one of the things I want to backtrack for a second in the early stages of dating one of the things I talk about fundamentally Is how to vet for someone's emotional maturity and relationship skills Before you give your heart to someone before you go through that summer season and that fall season before you get into this Winter season that's going to happen And in this particular case, this is why I'm an advocate For vetting early on we can call it screening. We can call it filtering This is why I look at there's a link to a schedule discovery call with me One of the things I do for clients is teach them Based on their personality what question should they be asking someone in the early stages of relationship or even in a season Relationship to determine their emotional maturity their emotional baseline Because where a lot of men pull away is in this winter season because men the minute There's conflict the minute. There's drama They run away Because men have this perception that everything should be easy and if it's not easy with you I'll go find somebody else that it's easy with every relationship comes with a certain level of of A need to grow past our wounds and our traumas Even my relationship with my sweetheart right here You know, there are growing pains that happen in relationship the fundamental aspect to Get past those growing pains Is finding a partner who is willing to be vulnerable To be authentic to be transparent To actually be willing to roll up their sleeves and say this relationship is worth Fighting for this relationship is worth investing in And it starts with a mindset from the very first date Starts with a mindset from the very first date and that mindset This is what I invite everyone to be pay attention to is am I with a giver? Am I with a person who is who has good character in their lives? Am I with the person who's able to Take care of themselves. You know, we need to be able to financially take care of ourselves Not necessarily have to take care of everyone but take care of ourselves. Do we have good character? Are we conscientious? And do we operate from a place of being a giver? In other words coming from a place of mutuality Versus a place of taking And being a giver means I'm willing to invest in this relationship the best relationship are with with two givers And yet sadly in the early states of dating most people are operating from a very self-centric myopic place on What can I get my own needs met? See if you really want to reach that state of spring in relationship It's required at least my invitation for everyone is be in a relationship where you're talking regularly About the temperature of the relationship itself and making agreements with one another to invest Emotionally in the relationship. This is why I frequently talk about the book here Eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman. Why am I bringing this up? Because this is a blueprint for co-creating a relationship together chapter one is about trusting commitment Chapter four is about resolving the financial aspects of relationship and the sexual aspects of a relationship This is being mindful intentional when you're choosing to explore a relationship with someone And yet sadly the dating marketplace is so hyper focused on attraction That couples get attached to one another or a woman can get attached to a man Oftentimes it's a woman who gets attached to a man and she gives her power away to a man Without ever establishing the building blocks to a healthy happy relationship. This is why I scream at the top of my lungs I'm encouraging everyone to operate from a conscious place an intentional place because pulling away Is part of the dance there is a push pull that happens as you're building trust Over the course of a year and then it takes about three full years in relationship to establish That you really know this person You really know this person it takes about three years to know who this person is And if you can get to the three-year mark you have a greater chance for success If you're conscious in it if you are intentional in the process A lot of people experience three-year relationships and they're mediocre at best Now I've shared earlier that I do believe that there's a benefit to get to know someone in an incubator In other words a lot of time together in a short period of time. I'm a big proponent of this Because you can get past all the the the bullshit dating rhetoric we go through today today It's such a passive It occurs to me that many people are dating or in relationships in a very passive unintentional way And this is why we see so many people find themselves in casual relationships or situationships I repeat that we see so many people in Casual relationships situationships friends with benefits types of relationships And this makes up the majority of relationships today Most relationships haven't established some level of early Trust with one another and yet they're willing to sleep with one another Without establishing the early trust that will take them through these seasons Now here's the thing Most men are rather clueless to this women purchase these books at a greater percentage than men Some men are like the alpha males. They're going to be the ones look I'm providing for you and that's you should just be happy that I'm providing for you Well, that to me is nonsense Because women ladies you can take care of yourself what I'm here to encourage is to Use what I've talked about frequently radical honesty laying your cards on the table And establishing your standards or the rules of engagement early on Before you give your heart to someone to see if you're on the same page of exploring A fully committed relationship with one another. This is why I created my dating vows at least It's a conversation starter. And by the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me to Check out my dating vows all the stuff in the show notes If you want to change your narrative going forward Then I invite you to start at the very beginning because it's so much and at the same time If two people want to work it out then be intentional about it go to therapy together if necessary Because in that space In that space you have a greater chance for success Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know. Please. Let me hear your thoughts post a comment below I'd like to hear what you have to share Also, if you like this content, please tell your friends about midlife love mastery send them to my website jonathanasley.com have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group And i'm going to sign off this videos. I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic jonathan barok of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow Give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love And let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives and I wanted to thank genie And I will tell marie. You said hi everyone be well. Thanks. Bye now