 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Johnathan Asley of johnathanasley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the eight signs men give when they're about to cheat and you must learn about these. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I could be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions, by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. And lastly, most of my coaching is based on what I believe is the more important conversation and that is for two people to be in partnership with one another. So for those of you who are interested in casual relationships, friends with benefits relationship, situationships, polyamory, this isn't really the channel for you, most of what I talk about centers around partnership. And nothing screams no partnership like the idea of cheating. And I'll be candid with you, I'm not enthusiastic about this topic and yet I've noticed that there are other, some of my contemporaries talk about this on a regular basis. And I was recently reading an article about the signs you see before someone cheats. And I thought, you know what, this is great content. Why not share this with my audience? Because here's the thing, when we give our power to another human being, and what I mean by we giving our power is when you need someone else to love you for you to feel good about yourself. When you need someone to care about you for you to feel good about yourself, you're giving your power away. And yet part of the agreement to be in relationship with one another is a sense of commitment, a sense of commitment. And that commitment just isn't about fidelity, that commitment is a commitment that you've expressed that you want to explore a future with someone. So while the signs I'm gonna give you tend to be more related to fidelity, I think this is intertwineable with those people who haven't really made a commitment to the relationship. More so, they haven't made a commitment to trust. I'm gonna repeat that, make a commitment to trust. And what I mean by trust, trust isn't just about that feeling that this person isn't going to physically cheat with you with someone else. Real trust is, can I count on this person to care about my feelings? Can I count on this person to really, to look beyond themselves and their own selfish behavior and put my feelings first? Or when I use my, I mean the collective my when I say that the collective you, put your feelings first. And sadly in today's dating realm, most people are operating from a very selfish place. And this is true for men and women alike. This isn't singular to men being selfish. I know I hear the rhetoric over and over and over again about narcissism, narcissism, narcissism, narcissism, as if it's all men. And I'm not going to discount or diminish that there are people who have real clinical issues that makes it, that can be torment another human being. And nothing torments another human being like the feeling of being betrayed, not just from betrayal from fidelity, but the betrayal from the, it's almost a betrayal from the fantasy of commitment. And I said the word fantasy because many people fantasize about commitment when they're not actually in a committed relationship. I'm gonna repeat that. A lot of people, let me reframe that. When I say fantasize, they're delusional. You know, it's interesting. Men create the delusion that they want a commitment with you so they can get laid. And women then create a delusion that they're in a committed relationship once they've had sex with a man. I'm sorry, I'm laughing at that, but I literally witnessed delusion behavior between men and women consistently, especially those in midlife. And midlife is after baby making years and before retirement, my area of specialty is centered around midlife. And I've witnessed men and women are rather delusional. I'm sorry, I know I'm bursting your bubble, but I'm speaking to the women out there as well as the men out there. Men, you operate from this delusion of, I think the difference is you create a false sense of fantasy to a woman that you're actually willing to lean into commitment. And women then believe this false fantasy that they're actually in a committed relationship with someone they barely know. I mean, it's rather, if it weren't so terrible, it would be comical. It literally is. And this is why I'm such a big proponent ladies before the penis goes inside the vagina to read the book, Eight Dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. Because listen, these days we are meeting total strangers in the dating realm. We're meeting total strangers. And if you're not familiar with the book by Malcolm Gladwell talking to strangers, it requires a lot more due diligence on your part before you get emotionally close to someone. Men can easily have sex with anyone and not become attached or most men cannot. You ladies on the other hand oftentimes get attached because there's a chemical released in your body known as oxytocin that bonds you to a man that you barely know. And let me explain to you about this because this really relates to trust. When we fantasize about traditional relationships it's because most of the time you met someone in your family circle, your social circle, your friend circle or your work circle. There was a level of accountability for that person not to break a covenant of commitment whether it was fidelity or the commitment of being in a committed relationship. I know this can be very confusing but many of you are delusional in this old realm of thinking we have to adapt ourselves to the reality these days that when we meet total strangers it takes way much longer to get to know one another. And when Steve Harvey wrote his book act like a lady, think like a man. I'll be candid with you when he said wait 90 days to have sex I scoffed at that. Maybe because I'm a guy and I'd like to get laid on the first, second or third date but when I now recognize and by the way I'm not in love with this book either I like some of what he says but the point is is we have to actually vet one another before we give our heart to another human being and you ladies you literally give your heart away so quickly. I know some of you will say the opposite but I witnessed this over and over again and all it takes is a guy coming on strong or love bombing and you open you drop your drawers let the penis go inside the vagina and then you're wondering why the guy disappeared because you didn't build a strong bond with one another and it's because most human beings don't understand the principles to a healthy happy relationship. I'm gonna refer you to another book and while this happens to be about marriage seven principles for making marriage work this teaches you the mechanics to a relationship whether you're married or not. But Jonathan I'm in a long distance relationship I can't do that. Folks when you're in long distance relationships when you're in virtual relationships when you're in fantasy balanced relationships it's going it's almost virtually virtual cyber virtually impossible to build the deep roots of trust. What do you need to build the deep roots of trust? You need social activities you need hobbies you need mutual interest you need spending time with family and friends over a consistent period of time to build trust but most of you guys women and women by the way ladies I am so tired of hearing the rhetoric that all you have to do is sit in your feminine and let a man claim you. Yeah that works. Jackass men will claim submissive women. I'm gonna repeat that Jackass men will claim because what is feminine energy is being submissive it's not being empowered being empowered is standing up for your boundaries standing up for your standards and yet you continually subjugate yourself and drop your boundaries and your standards because a guy likes you because it's as if this is the only person on the planet that's gonna like you in this moment and if you've had more than three or four relationships on your life you can have a fifth, sixth and seventh by the way my ex-wife's stepfather passed away a few weeks ago at age 92. He met her mother at age 62. They had a 30 year life together. So for those of you that think your life is over at age 60 I work with 70 year olds. I've even occasionally worked with 80 year olds to actually help them really that the men who are genuinely serious versus the ones who are just winging it. And by the way if you need some support with that check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. By the way all the books I recommend are listed in the Jonathan recommend books including my book what the heck is self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work. Folks if you really want to have a vaccination to emotional chaos then begin doing the inner work. So you're not dependent upon a man loving you or being in a committed relationship with you or being faithful to you. And yet there is nothing worse than feeling betrayed whether it's betrayal of physical infidelity or emotional infidelity. In fact my ex-girlfriend wrote a book called chatting or cheating. How to detect infidelity rebuild love in a fair proof your relationship Dr. Sherry Myers that's a picture of my ex-girlfriend. I by the way I'm in this book she shares some she shares her appreciation for me helping her because when she was writing her book I was writing my book understand men now. Because she gives some of the warning signs of emotional infidelity that happens to men and women alike. So what I'm gonna share with you today are the signs that you'll begin to see. And here's the deal when your spider senses are tingling that's usually a good sign that something is off. I'm gonna repeat that when your spider senses are tingling something is off. Now here's the thing our own insecurities and fears can make up stories in our head. Our own insecurities and fears can make up stories in our head. What's more important is to just pay attention to the clues. So I'm gonna share with you my trusty notes. Eight signs men give for they cheat and most women miss this. You know the thing is you're not really missing this even though that's in the title you actually on some level are picking this up. You are picking it up on an intuitive level. Now I just wanna draw greater attention to it. I'm gonna repeat that you're picking it up on an intuitive level. I just wanna draw greater attention to it. So number one, number one, he gets very jumpy around his phone when it rings. If someone gets jumpy when their phone rings or they're constantly looking at their phone. Now, let me retract that. I will, when I see a notification that's natural to the pellet to touch and look at the phone. So not everybody is cheating because of this but when they act jumpy, jumpy, jumpy, that's a sign that something is off either the relationship is off or there's infidelity going on when the person is jumpy around their phone, okay? Number two, he begins to micro disappear. This is a new term, I call it micro disappearing. Micro disappears where you get this sense that he hasn't returned a phone call for a while. He's maybe not, he's being a little bit, he's pulled away a little bit but it's just temporarily pulling away, it's temporarily disappearing. I call it micro disappearing. When you start to notice a pattern where you regularly talk, regularly talk, all of a sudden he just disappears for a little bit and then he has an excuse for it and then it happens and then it goes back to normal and then it happens again and then it happens again and it happens again. That's possibly a sign that something is up either he's avoiding you because he's emotionally left the relationship or he's avoiding you because he's physically left the relationship for somebody else. I call it micro disappearing. Number three, his behavior changes. Guys who cheat feel guilty and sometimes compensate for it by buying gifts for no reasons, being nice for no reason. Now, in other words, all of a sudden he starts being nice, his behavior changes because when a person is feeling a level of guilt, they might start doing more in the relationship to compensate for the fact that they're either most likely, these are for the people that are actually cheating, physically cheating, not necessarily those who have emotionally left the relationship. Number four, he suddenly starts picking fights and acting moody. He suddenly starts picking fights and acts moody. This is a sign where a person is on edge because they know they're being unfaithful whether they're unfaithful to the commitment to the relationship or unfaithful because they're physically having sex with someone else. They'll start acting, they'll start picking fights. Because then it's easier to break up with someone if you've been fighting for a while, it's easier to say, hey, this relationship isn't working for me. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Please hit that thumbs up if it is. Number five, he's acting emotionally distant. These are all piggybacking on one another, but all of a sudden you feel a sense of distance from him. You can tell something is off and you feel emotional distance. He's not being vulnerable as much before. He's not being authentic as much before. He's not being transparent as much as before. Let me improve my grammar here as much as before. And so you start noticing a slow fade. This is what Dr. Sherry talks about in her book once you start to experience emotional sex, emotional sex with someone. Number six, and this is for Heather out there, his taste in music changes, his taste in music changes. Now, it's really his taste in movies, his taste in music, his taste in things change because he's actually being influenced by another person. And the song he isn't listening to is shaggy like Heather brought up earlier, but his tastes in music, movies, things begin to change because he's actually being influenced. We oftentimes are influenced by the people around us. So if a man is in his fifties and he's dating someone in his thirties, he might be listening to rap more than he is eighties music like I would be. So when you notice this, and someone says he may start wearing cologne or picking stupid fights, a sign of cheater. So yes, his taste in music changes. He starts maybe dressing up a little more. He just starts to act a bit different. Number seven, he gets caught in little white lies, little lies. Usually these things relate to time or they relate to places he's been. You can start catching him in little lies. You notice discrepancies. You notice discrepancies. Here's the thing, we oftentimes make excuses for people when we know something is off, we make excuses because it's better for some people it's better to be in a bad relationship than no relationship at all. I'm gonna repeat that. It's better to be in a bad relationship or no relationship at all. So it's not uncommon that most of you when you're experiencing this you're not actually talking to them about this because oftentimes this is what happens with people. They'd rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship at all. And here at the Understand Men channel we want you to be in a juicy, delicious, happy relationship. Oh, and don't make me go all psycho roommate on you is what my muck says, which means I don't want you to abdicate your standards or your boundaries for a man. Okay? Take accountability of your own life, be disciplined. Take charge of your relationship, Destiny. Don't give it up to the man. And last but not least, your gut says something is wrong. It's a quiet voice inside of you. Here's the thing about intuition. Intuition actually comes from a calm place. Not an agitated place, not an anxiety-based place but it actually comes from a calm place when you feel something is off. What happens is the ego, the monkey mind start makes up all kinds of stories instead of just knowing something feels off and then start to pay attention to the signs instead of making things up in your head. And the signs are usually there when someone is emotionally left the relationship or they physically left the relationship for someone else. And why does this happen? Because you human beings are rather clueless when it comes to the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship because you've been indoctrinated in this belief that chemistry equals relationship success. If you're not familiar with my relationship to iceberg, you can see the tip of the iceberg is chemistry, which attraction is based. What most of you forget is shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity is where compatibility comes in. And you spend more time in chemistry and romance and not enough time building the deep friendship with one another. If you want to actually build a deeper, listen, most of you've been indoctrinated with a stupid book called The Rules, The Rules. This is all game playing techniques to temporarily get someone. And I'm here to suggest doing something deeper. Read the book by Barbara DeAngelis, How to Make Love All the Time so you can actually learn how to co-create a relationship together. And if you're with a man who's not willing to invest in a relationship then why are you giving him your vagina? Why do you do it? I know because sometimes it's better to be in a mediocre relationship and something's growing. My channel is all about empowering you to take charge and use your voice, use your voice. By the way, if a guy genuinely cares about you, he will lean in. You don't need to lean back in your feminine. You can lean into your empowerment when you're with the right guy. And guess what? When you're with the right guy, he's going to appreciate this. I get email after email after email from women saying, Jonathan, thank you so much. I am now empowered. We read this book, eight dates together. We're reading this together. We're co-creating a relationship together. In fact, if you're not familiar with the book, I Hear You, you have to, ladies, you all think you're good communicators. The fact that you're afraid to communicate tells me you're not good communicators. Learn more effective communication skills to express yourself because you can easily express and vomit your feelings to your girlfriend. And yet you seem to be like deer in the headlights when it comes to communicating with men. Now, I'm not here to say dump your problems on a guy or dump your fears on a guy. I'm here to suggest more healthy communication. We are living in a fucking dysfunctional world. The average person has mediocre relationship skills at best. If you're not familiar with my relationship skills chart, emotional maturity, by the way, this is not a fact, it's an opinion. Roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues. And while I say 20% is healthy, I'm being rather generous. Most of you human beings are dysfunctional and I include myself in the dysfunctionality. And I do this for a living. I'm a good communicator for a living and I still struggle with articulating my feelings in a way that's seen, heard, or understood, mainly because I was picked on as a kid. I was bullied as a kid. I had a hard time expressing my feelings. Many of you felt the same way. And so many of us have a stuffed voice. And I'm here to say you don't, you don't have enough time to fuck around with the wrong person. I'm your wake up call and it's why I yell so much. All right, eight signs. He may be cheating on you. These are the subtle eight signs, but what I really wanna lean into more is not just the physical infidelity, but the fact that he's emotionally leaving. And these eight signs can be applied almost the same way when he's ready to end the relationship. And if you wanna avoid a relationship that ends, then co-create something right from the get-go. Don't worry about who pays for dates and who pays for the valiant dates and all this stupid stuff. Work on building something right from the get-go because we don't have enough time to fuck around and learn how to vet for compatibility. By the way, if you're not familiar with the work of Neil Clark Warren, he started the website called E-Harmony. Now I'm not endorsing E-Harmony, but he wrote a great book called Two Dates or Less. He talks about the 25 areas of compatibility and when you're aligned in these 25 areas of compatibility, you have a greater chance of relationship success. Most couples are aligned. This is how you think of compatibility. You like sushi? Oh my God, me too. You like stand-up paddleboard? Oh my God, I go to the marina every weekend and do it. You like the Rolling Stones? Holy shit, I've seen them in concert eight times. Oh my God, we're so compatible. Like this is the nativity. Compatibility is do we share the same values? And here in the United States, we're a divided country. We literally have 50% of the country that thinks one way and 50% thinks another way. I mean, radical ideology differences. Number one, is our lifestyles blendable with one another? Can we blend our two lifestyles together? I see dysfunctional couples try to blend their lifestyles together after dating for two years only to have it implode. And last but not least, is this person an emotional grownup? And you know where emotional maturity comes from doing introspective work? If you haven't read the book, The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process, this is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas that causes most of the dysfunctionality. Do the inner work so you can be better prepared for a relationship. Okay, I'm done yelling, I'm done ranting. I've said my piece. Are you gonna make a difference in your life? Say to me in the chat box or in the box below, I wanna begin to make a difference in my life. I'm gonna take charge of my destiny. I am not gonna give it to another human being. I retain my power. Say any of those words in the chat box, I would be so grateful. I retain my power. All right, I think we're just gonna take a few questions today. We're gonna have a short live stream. So those who know my live streams, if you write the word question or post the question, and then write the word question and post the question there after or purchase a super sticker super chat. All the monies through the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's him there. That's him there. That's him there, isn't he cute? He's my son who passed away a few years ago. And in his honor, I've started a scholarship fund to give to charities like The Hoffman Process in site seminars and defray the cost of personal development for those who are in need. And we're seeing a lot of women saying, I retain my power. Yes, yes, yes. All right, and say it in the chat box as well. All right, I saw a question from Jade. Again, we're only gonna take a few questions tonight. Question, how to ask the right questions without sounding bossy, vomiting or too cool girl passive? What if when talking early on, he lies straight faced? You can't know how to protect yourself. Oh, these are great questions. By the way, I noticed on YouTube, there's a lot of FBI agents who are giving YouTube tutorials on how to tell if a person is liar. And it's not, they look up to the right and they're thinking kind of stuff. There's a Secret Service agent on a Louis Howe video. But I think the reading the book, Talking to Strangers is a great precursor to protect yourself because you know very little about a person. I'm a big believer in, if they're not Googleable, they're not worth dating, number one. Do they have a social media footprint? If they don't have one, they're not worth dating to me because I don't trust people until we've actually spent some time and I get a sense of their whole life and their social circle and whatnot. And this is becoming progressively more difficult when we have a transplanted community of people out there. So in my private coaching, I teach you the questions to ask based on your personality. So I would check out the link to a free discovery call. That's what my private coaching is all about, vetting the guy before you give your heart away. But I would definitely watch some YouTube videos by FBI profilers talking about lying. But again, you have to do your due diligence. Ask a lot of, by the way, I know people say don't interrogate people. Look, you can simply say, hey, so we don't waste each other's time. Do you mind if we ask each other some personal questions just to see if we're on the same page? That's a great way to start. So we don't waste each other's time. Do you mind if we ask some, and by the way, people will straight up lie. This is why ladies don't buy into the love bomber the guy who comes on strong. Oftentimes when you fall for that, it's because there's a lack of love within yourself. That's the sad piece here. So anyways, that's my advice for you, Jade. I hope it helped. Thank you so much. All right. 21 new you 21 says, question have a friend that only wants to meet in a hotel. I enjoy his company, super intelligent. I don't feel like it handle a relationship that requires for a year, four days a week. So guess what new you, you didn't ask me a question. You just made a statement. This is an example of what ladies you do this habitually. That wasn't a question. That's a statement. And as far as your statement, you can do whatever you want. You're a grown human being. You're a grown human being. All right. Lucy says, Jonathan, personal question. How did your date go with the matchmaker? Okay, folks, about a week and a half ago, I guess it'll be two weeks ago today. I had a date that was fixed up by a matchmaker. And officially, as I shared in the video the following day, it was not a love connection. Just not a love connection. I should have asked a few pre-qualifying questions, but because it came from a matchmaker, I didn't. But we had some big differences between us, but there just wasn't any spark or connection between us. And I think we were misaligned on things. All right, looks like 21 knew you. Thanks for that question, Lucy. She has a question. Is it okay to have an open relationship? I hit the button by mistake. That's a question. 21 knew you, 21. You can do whatever you want. You're a grownup. I think Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith are in an open relationship. So watch what they do if you need some guidance. By the way, I am gonna be clear, everyone. My channel is for those who want partnership with one another. If you want real partnership with one another, read this book, Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zucca. Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zucca. He wrote The Seed of the Soul. This is a life, Seed of the Soul right there. It's a life-changing book, and this is a great book. So if you want partnership, follow my channel. If you want just friends with benefits, do what you're doing, 21, you knew you. That's cause that's all it is, friends with benefits. Anyway, thank you for that question. I appreciate it. Justin, thank you for the $3 super sticker. Way to go. G disparate says, don't follow Jada Smith. By the way, folks, anybody can do whatever they want. We are in a world where we have the blessing that we can choose whatever we want. What I don't appreciate is when people are delusional. You ladies are delusional, you men are delusional. As I said in the beginning of this broadcast, men express the delusion that they're capable of a committed relationship, and you ladies believe the delusion. And this is all predicated on the male desire to have sex with you first. You have to build a real deep friendship first before you actually give your heart away to another human being, because this idea of cheating is the cheating on the commitment. It's really cheating on the idea of commitment. And it feels like such a betrayal. How are you gonna avoid it by doing a better job vetting in the beginning? Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, folks, we're gonna do a short live stream tonight. Not too many more questions. Listen, my role here is to be a wake up call. Sometimes I yell, sometimes I curse. I share other people's books. I share other people's content because I'm here to really be a facilitator to invite everybody to do the personal development work, self-help and spiritual work to actually find a place of inner peace. Sadly, we are a world here, at least in the United States, of hypocrisy and victim consciousness. And repeat that we are, at least here in the United States, we are hypocritical, victim conscious human beings that judges far too much, that judges ourselves far too much, and we talk about love. And I'm saying the collective we, I mean, I know you may not feel about, you might not feel this way, but that's what delusion does. It blinds us to the fact that we are not a loving community here in the United States, as much as we talk a big game. That we're in a divided country of divided human beings and the worst division of all is the fight between men and women and the anger between men and women. That's the sad reality, the judgment, the jadedness, the bitterness. Men have it towards women and women have it towards men. And yet many of you claim to be so loving and yet at the same moment, you will crucify someone in the name of love. That's not love. So I invite everyone to take a deep breath and put their hand on their heart. I invite love into my life. I'm going to be an open receptive person to love in my life. I'm gonna operate from the most loving place. I'm gonna love myself and I'm gonna love everyone else so I can invite more and more love into my life because the old way of doing things doesn't serve me. And I want to begin a journey of exploring all those facets of me that blocks me from attracting true love in my life and I want to be a beacon of love and I want to express love in a way by paying it forward each and every day by doing one simple act of kindness to a stranger each and every day to make a difference in the world. And no matter whether or not I have a romantic relationship in my life, I have the best relationship of all and that is the relationship with myself. I invite that all for you to lean into your empowered energy and don't buy into all the bullshit rhetoric that's out there. Are you with me? If you are, give me an amen. Excuse my pit stains. Give me an amen. Give me a thumbs up. Share this video with your friends. I would be truly grateful if you did that. All right. I think this will be, I see one more question here. Birth says, how do you overcome dating burnout? I rarely can meet people who have done their past on self-growth. You know what? I vaguely remember a poem that says, fall off a horse seven times, get up eight times. You know what? My once friends once said to me, love is a risk and yet it's still the greatest game in town and I'm a believer of that. So hold that in your space. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrack of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear, a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Julie and Marianne and 21 New You. I'll please purchase a super sticker before we wrap up. I wanna thank Erica and Kit Kat and Felicity and Angie and Jennifer and Cheryl and Khaleesa and Bertha and Heather and Jill. Everyone, Cheryl, R.O.K. Kreese of Bertha, Rhonda. Everyone, thank you so much. Wishing you a super duper, wonderful, fantastic day. Bye-bye now, bye.