 All right, we're gonna try this again. Can anyone hear me? Please let me know. I'm so sorry about the technical difficulties. I was trying the Yeti microphone and I think there was some reverb, so I was playing some music for us, but all right, if anyone is online, please post a comment, let me know. Otherwise, we're gonna talk about the six ways to understand a man's love commitment style. Love commitment style. Does anyone remember the TV show Love American Style? We're gonna talk about commitment style and this is a little bit different than love attachment style and this is so critically important for understanding men in relationship is to understand their commitment style. So if you're online, please post a comment in the chat. Let me know you're here, but it looks like I can see there's a few people on. So I'm gonna get started because I'm one of those people that doesn't like to drag things out. All right. So we're gonna talk about this, wait, six things that make up a man's love commitment style, or should we do it this way? Six things that make up a man's love commitment style. Now, I think what's so critically important to understand first, and by the way, this is a Q and A just as a reminder. Also, all right, I just went, I just did a total ADD. Really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, hit the subscribe button for those who watch the recording and hit the bell so you can be notified of new content. Also, if this content resonates with you and you're interested in talking to a dating relationship coach, check out the link to a free discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, so let's talk about love commitment style. And this is a bit different than love attachment style. Now, love attachment style, for those that are familiar with it, there's basically three types of love attachment style. There's anxious, avoidant, and secure. Anxious, avoidant, and secure. And within anxious and avoidant, there's some sub styles with styles within there. But I really wanna lean into a deeper conversation about commitment, because ultimately, there's the way we attach to another human being, but how do we really make the choice of commitment? And I think it's critically important to understand what it takes for a person to commit. And that's why I came up with these called love commitment styles. All right, by the way, I can see a few of you there. Thank you so much. Love commitment style is recognizing what does it take for a person to reach that level of commitment, that level of saying, you know, I'm here, you matter, we are important, I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. Breathe that in, I'm here, you matter, we are important, I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. So you can see how this is a much, and by the way, this is what I love you, I love you means to me, what I just shared, but there's also a level of commitment, commitment in there. And as I shared in the previous live video, I kind of differentiated between relationships that are like this that can fall apart easily versus a relationship like this. See how hard, I'm pulling as hard as I can on this, but it doesn't come apart. But with like a relationships that are like this, they come apart really easily. That's because they lack commitment. So I'm gonna spend the next few minutes sharing love commitment style and then we're gonna answer questions. So I wanna thank everyone that's on. I don't have my glasses on so I can barely see, but thank you so much. All right, so first is understanding a basic human being's instinct. This is our caveman, cavewoman aspects of who we are. It's built into our DNA. What's our instincts? And men are traditionally instinctually provider protectors, they're hunters, women are gatherers, that sort of thing from an instinctual. So yes, instincts play a part of our love commitment style. And number two is our biology, our biology. And the reality is is men and women biologically are different. Men have more testosterone, women have more estrogen, although that begins to shift a little bit, shift a little bit as we age, men's testosterone levels begin to drop, our estrogen levels increase. And this is why men oftentimes in their 40s start to experience midlife crisis because there's kind of the blueprint of what they thought their reality was like was clashes or excuse me, what they blueprint of what they thought their life was gonna be like collides with their reality. And this happens as our testosterone levels drop. So biology plays a piece in our love commitment style. We are driven by that testosterone to spread our seed. This is why a lot of men come on strong in relationship because now we can get sex for free. And there is no need to make a commitment to another human being. So we can get all the sex we want basically for free. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying what's happening out there. So understanding biology plays a piece in this. Now the third piece to recognize is our socialization, our socialization. We've been so socialized that men are the leaders of the relationship and they're the chivalrous ones and they're supposed to take charge. And if a man really likes a girl, he'll go after her because that's the socialization. Socializations say men pay for dates because that's what's socially acceptable. And by the way, throughout history, women were treated as second class citizens. I mean, it's only in recent years that women have even had the opportunity to be treated as an equal, which is ridiculous because that should be the way the norm. But sadly, from a socialization perspective, we still live in a patriarchal society for the most part where it's a one up, one down. And that doesn't make for a healthy relationship. I mean, it's certainly, if a woman wants to surrender to herself to a man, that's great, let him be the entire leader of the relationship, but that doesn't really work out too well in the long run anyway, especially if they're both not on the same page. So we have to recognize socialization plays a part in this piece. Now, we're gonna get into the deeper, deeper roots of what it takes for love commitment style. And the fourth, and this is truly important pieces, imprinting, imprinting. And imprinting is all about what happened in our early childhood. What happened in those first few years of childhood. And this is where we've adopted our love attachment style. And if you're not familiar with the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I highly recommend you checking this out to understand love attachment style because our imprinting as child is how we bond with someone else. But this actually has to go deeper because this also is oftentimes why we choose wrong partners in our life. Why we choose wrong partners in our life. And what that is a result of what's known as the Amago. And if you're not familiar with the book by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt is getting the love you want understands the Amago. This is where we choose people that are much like our parents trying to get our parents love so we can oftentimes choose dysfunctional people to be in relationship with because we're fulfilling our imprinting. Okay, our imprinting. Okay, now the fifth piece to understand is what's known as our life experience, our life experience. So for those who follow me know that I'm a dating relationship coach for those people in midlife. And that's after baby making years of before retirement. So my predominant coaching clientele is between 42 and 69. Now, I mean, I have clients that are in their 70s. I have clients in their 20s and 30s. I'm just saying my predominant book are those people in their 40s, 50s and 60s. Now, what's uniquely different about people in their 40s, 50s and 60s is the vast majority of singles looking for love are divorced, roughly 75% and that's anecdotal is out there divorced. Now, there's some that are the never married crowd and some that are the widower crowd. But what's so critically important to understand is when you're in your 20s and 30s the primary reason to choose relationship is centered around raising a family. It's about making babies and raising a family. So that commitment is usually that one common cause is centered around that. But here's where it gets tricky for those in their 40s, 50s and 60s. Because of life experience, we don't know how to, most people don't know how to blend lives with someone else who comes to the table with a full life. So this is one person that comes to the table with a full life. Another person comes and they don't know how to blend them together. Whereas when you're in your 20s you're like a blank sheet of paper. They just naturally fold into each other. But in your 40s, 50s and 60s it's oftentimes two glides are like this. They're not blending in like this. And our life experience also brings to the table things like bad previous experiences, divorces and challenging relationships. So this is what makes it incredibly complicated. Now I'm gonna pause here for a second before I give you the sixth one because I wanna say here, most dating advice is centered around instinct, biology and socialization. And it takes no, so it's also remedial because it doesn't contemplate imprinting, life experience and this. And this is the most important piece which is emotional maturity. Emotional maturity. The reality is is most human beings are suffering on an emotional side. This is why I came up with my podcast the what would love do podcast because the number one emotional health issue is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likable. And then we have emotionally immature people seeking relationships. And it's just, and with other people who are emotionally immature or emotionally stunted or unskilled. And so this makes it even more difficult to get to that level of commitment with another human being. Is this resonating with you? Is this sinking in? If it is, please post a comment below. I'd be honored if you did. Because what I wanna say now is, is now that you have this understanding of how this is all made up. I think it's hugely important to recognize especially for women, is that you are in charge of your relationship destiny. Stop giving your power away to men. Stop giving them the responsibility to be in charge of your destiny. Because ladies, I know it sounds great. You love the chivalrous men who come on strong and they know what they want and everything. Yeah, that's great. And it feels good in the short term but it's usually these kind of relationships that fall apart. If you want the relationship like this, then you have to recognize that the dating, mating and relating process is a two lane street and both people are equally investing in each other. They're investing in each other. And if someone's not investing in you as much as you're investing in them, then it's gonna be problematic. Because then what's gonna happen is you're gonna think you gave too much but what really happened is you just expected too much when you give more than someone else is giving. That's why it's all about treating it as a two lane street. Is this sinking in? Let me see if it is. I'm gonna check out some of the comments. I was in a relationship with a man who didn't love himself so I had to leave. So Kim just shared with us is that, yes, self love. This is why I wrote a book. What the heck is self love anyway? By Jonathan Asley. Check out the back cover. This is my book. Self love is how is the antidote to inner suffering and self love is the antidote to actually achieve a healthy, happy, juicy, delicious relationship. And we repeat that when we begin, we don't have to fully love ourselves but when we begin the practice of personal development, self-help and spiritual work, we're preparing ourselves to be in that juicy, delicious relationship that has the potential of being this really strong and that's the kind of commitment I want for all of you. So now that you understand a man's love commitment style and this is also a woman's love commitment style, I'll probably in the next few weeks do another live video on ultimately commitment but I want you to recognize that most of you are dating in relationships that are like this. They lack real commitment. So let's talk about commitment in a deeper conversation here. I'm gonna open it now to the Q and A. So I'm gonna put on my glasses so I can read everyone's. Listening to you, speak is healing. Thank you so much. Interdependent couples, not codependent couples, yes. I have the book and I love it. Thank you, Sandra. So who has a question for me today? Please post a comment so I can, if you have a question because now we're in the Q and A portion of our talk. By the way, stay grounded. Mm. Two lanes, yes, wouldn't want to be in any other type of relationship. Thank you, Carol. So does anyone have a question for me because this is gonna be a very short video. If you don't have a question, post a comment, not a comment, post a question. That's what I'm here for. Oh, and before I do, those who know me know that really quickly, that's my mom and dad back in their 20s. That's my oldest son, Colin and me. That's my younger son, Connor. That's the one who passed away. I wanna thank you all so much for your kindness over, Connor. And I know so many of you have been asked me to talk about Colin. I have a great relationship with my son, Colin, but I just wanna thank you all for the love and support. And that's a picture from my balcony, one of the sunsets last year. All right, let's see. What can be, okay, here's a good question. What can be challenged in a big age gap relationship, say 10 years? What can be the challenges in a big age gap relationship? Okay, so now Christy, I don't know or Christine, I don't know if the age gap is your older or their older, but let's cover them both. So a man is dating a woman 10 years younger. From the man's perspective, most likely he's happy because there's that element of being with a younger person, most likely there might be more physical attraction with someone younger. But, and that's just from a male perspective, I think most men would prefer that. I mean, that's just, I'm speaking as a guy right now. Although I was in a relationship with someone older, so that didn't challenge the relationship. Although I was in a relationship with a woman who was 10 years older. And I will say, one of the challenges was that she was practically in a different era in her mindset. So we kind of had mindset differences. We had differences in music. We had differences in comedy. I mean, maybe it wasn't so much maybe an age issue, but we just had differences. But from a biological standpoint, I think there's some benefits for, absolutely some benefits for women dating younger men. In fact, a lot of men who are in their 20s and 30s appreciate older women just for their maturity sake, because a lot of men in their 20s and 30s don't want to date women their own age because they believe that they're immature. I'm not saying that's true. I'm just saying that's what they often experience. So I hope that answers your question. All right, I'm, okay, how to test a man's level of commitment along the way if he's avoiding? Can you talk a little bit about that? Okay, thanks Ivy. So here's the thing, anxious people tend to fight for love, avoidant people are afraid to open themselves up. They're afraid to open themselves up. I do want to say this though, avoidant people deeply want love. They so deeply want love in their life and they're just afraid of it. So avoidant people can absolutely be in a fully committed relationship. Their challenge is more centered around being able to open up to their emotions, open up to their emotions. So this is, now this book that I'm about to recommend, well, I recommend my book. If you're in a relationship with an avoidant personality, person who's an avoidant personality, it's gonna take baby steps to get that to a level of this, okay? And it starts by this and it starts by co-creating and building the relationship together. This is why I'm such a huge proponent of purchasing the book, Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Why this is so critically important is there's a whole exercise on intimacy because ultimately what an avoidant person needs is to feel safe in a relationship. This is a man or woman or life, they need to feel safe. One of the great ways to feel safe is to co-create and build a relationship. So ladies, before the penis gets to visit the vagina on a regular basis, I'm a big proponent of talking about this stuff and instead of the idea of the romantic idea of letting men lead the chase because that's the masculine thing to do and you just sit in your feminine energy and just receive and receive and receive. Yeah, until he pulls away, then you're gonna have to do the lean back crap to temporarily get him anxious to come back to you and how well does that work? This is why I want you to lean into your sovereignty, lean into your empowerment, lean into your self-love by beginning the relationship on solid ground. The reason why it's called Eight Dates is this book has created eight dates that you can have with another human being to see if you're compatible with one another and it teaches you the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. So ladies, this, and by the way, I've had so many women write me and by the way, I've been talking about these books for five or six months now. I've had so many women write me saying they've introduced this book to the man they're just starting the date and it is absolutely forging this kind of relationship instead of these kind of relationships. These relationships that are known as stable ambiguity. Esther Perrell, Esther Perrell wrote a book called Mating Incaptivity and she talks about something called stable ambiguity and what that is is where a relationship is getting, it's getting companionship, it's getting connection, it's getting sex. So it's stable in that it's monogamous and exclusive but the ambiguous piece is commitment. There's no partnership, there's no real consciousness to developing a partnership with this other person. By the way, I've been accused of yelling so it might sound like I'm yelling. This is just my passion. I remember listening to Mary Ann Williamson talk about this and she talks about, she was a male friend of hers was at a dinner party with her family and the family's all yelling with each other and the friend said, why are you yelling with each other? And they go, we're not yelling, this is how Jews talk, we're passionate. By the way, I'm not Jewish, but I'm just passionate. So that's why I'm yelling. Stable ambiguity is what most of you are experiencing and I want you to shift that perspective going forward. Start being the leaders of your relationship. Do you see that picture of my mom and dad? My mom was the leader of the relationship and you can ask anyone, you can ask my brother, my sister, my cousin. My mom was the leader, my dad followed. This whole idea that men are the leaders of, they each had their role, their old school but ultimately she was the leader of the relationship. You are in charge of your relationship, Destiny. I hope I answered that question. Okay, my husband and I have been married for four years and we have a disagreement. We have a disagreement, he doesn't talk to me till the next day. Why does that happen? Lily, that's a great question. Okay, so oftentimes with avoidant personalities, when there's friction with another human being that person needs 24, 36, 48 hours to get out of their defensiveness to come back to some sort of equilibrium. So defensiveness is how our ego protects ourselves. So by the way, my mother was classic at this. Whenever she got mad at my father or any of us she literally would emotionally shut down for 72 hours. And I've dated women who have done the same thing. They literally emotionally shut down. It's because they have to get to some sort of equilibrium. So in the case of your husband, Lily that is not an uncommon thing. And it's okay that he takes space, okay? We weren't designed to be with each other 24 seven, you know, oh, we've got to be. Oh my God, if he doesn't text me tomorrow, did he breaks up with me? If he doesn't text me before I go to bed, did he break up with me? Ladies, you guys are so, not all of you, a lot of you have this requirement of incessant communication. We need time to recharge our batteries. And when there's disagreement, some people need to go inward before they can express outward. But ultimately we weren't really designed to be with each other 24 seven. And now with COVID it's practically, it's killing relationships for that reason. So, all right. Is there a step? Is there a step? Oh, hello, handsome. Thanks for being out there. Thank you so much, Mary Kay. Kim, is there a step to the book eight dates you prefer over any other? Well, yeah, the sex one. Okay, so the book outlines eight different types of dates. A couple areas aren't, it is important to me because I've already, it's not, I'm not gonna have the children conversation as far as raising children. I love the money in sex conversation. I love the conflict resolution. And I love the first, I love the most important one is discussing commitment. What does commitment look like for you? Everyone write this down. A great first, second, or third date question to ask a guy is what does commitment look like for you? And how would you know when you're ready for commitment? Bum, bum, bum. This is gold right here. Someone write this down in the comments. What does commitment look like for you? And how will you know when you're ready for commitment with another human being? This is a deep question. Most people are gonna do this. They're gonna actually do this. La, la, la, la, la, la. They're not gonna know how to respond because they're not thinking about commitment from a real conscious intentional way. That's why this book is so great at getting to that conversation. So Lily, I hope that helps. All right. My anxious style makes things fucking exhausting. It's no longer serving me. I'm tired of my own drama. Well, Allison, I can relate to that because I'm an anxious attachment. I literally would drive myself crazy. The way I healed my anxious attachment was to understand this one important piece for me. I'll never forget this. My girlfriend and I would, I mean, I would say something she'd pull away and I'd go into anxious mode. And it was if the sky is falling, the sky is falling, the sky is falling, the sky. When I realized the sky didn't fall, when I realized that she didn't break up with me every time I went into anxious, I just leaned into trust. It takes a leap of faith to trust. And to heal the anxious part is that leap of faith to trust that everything is gonna be okay. Whether you're with that person or not, everything is gonna be okay whether you're with that person or not. That's how I healed it anyway. After trial and error, trial and error, trial and error. I understand that, but they start off asking for money so they pull you in. I don't understand that question. A man asks for money, cards, he's a scammer. Linda, for anyone that asks you money who you're not in relationship with, you know, no, you don't give money to some stranger, okay? All right, check his followers too. Oh, okay, don't get caught up in this. Oh, can we shift the conversation, ladies? I appreciate you for answering that question. Oh, you're very welcome, Ken. Okay, any other questions? Come on, let's keep it going. I'm on a roll here, otherwise we're gonna be ending quickly. By the way, it is Friday, so I just wanna play this. Come on, add some questions. Okay. Does anyone know that song, by the way? If you do know that song, post a comment below. Okay, yes, it's so true. It's okay without that person that's painful mindset. Yes, exactly, Ivy. What Ivy just said is to recognize that what's most important is that I'm gonna be okay. It's saying this to oneself, I'm gonna be okay. I don't know if you guys can see my bracelet, but it says, oops, I'm enough, I'm enough. Okay. So anyway, all right, let's see what else we have. If you don't see each other regularly, is it reasonable to ask for a text once a day? So, why is it you have to ask? Why not just tell? Hey, let's text each other every day. Instead of can we text each other? I think there's more empowerment when you make it a suggestion instead of a request. I think there's more empowerment when you make it, hey, I'd like us to text each other each day. Now, it's gonna follow up with, how do you feel about that? But I think there's more empowerment when you come at it from a place of suggestion instead of can we text each other each other day when we don't see each other so I can feel safe in the relationship. Now, I was being intentionally dramatic, so please forgive me, because I don't wanna diminish any feeling of lack of security you might have. But the reality is, is if a relationship isn't building to partnership with one another, it's gonna have weeks legs to stand on. This is why in my coaching practice, I teach you how to vet for emotionally available men to understand these basics. It's one of the things I do in my private coaching. So check out the link to private coaching so you can help, so you can understand this better. All right, oh, hi, I am amazing from San Diego. Can you speak about, Fawn writes, can you speak about women with abandonment issues? Yeah, women with abandonment issues are real pain in the ass to date. Now, that sounded like a judgment, that sounded cruel, so I wanna apologize. But let me tell you, I dated women with abandonment issues. It is not fun from my perspective because there's this, it's already built in lack of trust. Like, because you're afraid I'm gonna leave before I did anything wrong, it's guilt by previous association. So how do you heal that? Well, you gotta start by self love because you gotta recognize you, it's like my bracelet, you are enough. You know, now, I highly recommend, oh, I didn't pull out my book, I didn't bring up the Hoffman book. But the abandonment issue is a result of childhood wounds. This is why you definitely wanna get the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks to heal that abandonment issue before you enter into relationship or begin a healing process. Because ultimately, if you have abandonment issues, that's gonna show up as lacking trust and that's gonna sabotage most of your relationships so begin a healing process by getting to the root of where the abandonment comes from. Do forgiveness, forgiving, it's forgiveness simply means forgiving love, forgiving love. So do forgiveness exercises, inject yourself with daily personal development, self-help and spiritual work so then you can build a foundation so you can start from a level of trust because if you begin with mistrust, your relationships are gonna have issues, I'm sorry. Okay, that's right, Jenny, Friday I'm in love. Love the cure, thanks, Sandra. I love how honest you are, thanks, Sierra, I appreciate that. I bought the book an hour ago. Which book did you buy? I am amazing, hopefully my book. All right, do we have any questions? This is so much fun, yay! Put a thumbs up if you like this. How do you walk away from a person that you know better is no dating material but can't let them go? Okay, so it takes a level of self-discipline to walk away from a relationship that you know is not healthy for you. I think of the movie Sleeping with the Enemy. Now I'm gonna do an extreme here but Julia Roberts finds herself after being six months married that she's with a total sociopath and he's literally physically abusive to her and it took her two and a half years to leave that relationship. Now, most likely what that was, again, going back to childhood wounds and traumas that abuse was familiar to her. Now we're talking about physical abuse but even emotional abuses. Oftentimes we choose relationships that can be unhealthy for us because we're reliving a childhood wound. Okay, so she had to be very disciplined. She had to make the choice. It was the red pill or the blue pill. Do I wanna continue on my path here or do I wanna make a new choice? You know, I was listening to a podcast on Lewis Howe's podcast where a man said, basically there's birth, there's death and everything else is choices. So basically it's binary. It's this choice or this choice, this choice or this choice. Ultimately, it takes self-discipline. You can do all the talk therapy in the world but you have to make a commitment to yourself. Make a commitment to yourself and I want you to think of it this way. You know, if Connor, who passed away, now he died of an accident but let's just for argument's sake, say it was a car accident. That's not what it was. And let's say I was there and the car was burning. I, let's just say he wasn't a car, it was burning. As his father, I would have rushed in at my own peril to save him. I would have rushed in to a burning car to save him if that were the case, okay? And there's no ifs, ands or buts. I would do that without hesitation. So this is the same thing. There's a little kid inside of you. You, I wanna encourage everyone to treat themselves as if they would their own child that was in a burning car. Would you rush in to a burning car to save your child or a burning building? Will you rush into your house to save your child? I know I would. That's how you have to treat yourself. It's your little child. So there is no, there's no wavering of this. It's an absolute. So loving yourself, where's my book? Loving yourself is an absolute. It's putting the oxygen mask on yourself first just like you would on the airplane because how can you serve others if you don't serve yourself? And that's my invitation for you. Okay. They confirm, okay, BB writes, they confirm date. Oops, let's go back. They confirm date for a Saturday. And when it gets closer, they ask if we're still on for Friday. Oh, if we're still on for Friday. All right. That sounds like a situational situation and it could be an intentional mishap or it might be just a mishap. So what to make of it? Just go with it and see what happens. Sorry, BB, I just, that one, you know, I don't know what to say. Yes, your book. Thank you, I'm amazing. I've been dating with a man and he made plans for us to see each other this week. Should I wait for him to contact me? You know, I'm a big proponent that two people make effort mutually. They make effort mutually, okay? Let's forget this hierarchy that men are the leaders of the relationship. Two people can invest in getting to know with one another. So yes, you can simply check in. Hey, just checking in just to say I'm looking forward to see you on Friday. If he really likes you, he's gonna love that. If he doesn't like you, he'll blow you off and then you've got your answer. So guys who like you appreciate the effort and guys who don't will run away. Simple as that. By the way, guys who don't like you will still see you because they're, they want companionship, connection and sex. They want the bare minimum because that's all they're capable of. But it doesn't mean that they're capable of a healthy, juicy, delicious relationship because there is a significant portion of the population that's codependent that wants connection without any real energy towards the relationship. So again, I'm a big proponent of treating everyone like a grownup and then seeing what happens. All right. All right. What does it mean when a married man was interested in me then told me he cannot give me a relationship but wants to keep in touch with me? He said he had problems in his marriage before, Danisa. So if you're married to this man and he's talking to another woman, how would you feel? Ladies, if you are even remotely contemplating, engaging in a relationship with a man who's married, you're doing your sister as a disservice. Sister is being the sisterhood of women, okay? And just because he says he's unhappy and everything else, why would you wanna give your power to a guy like that? And believe me, you're gonna be paying the price later on down the road. So I don't encourage it whatsoever but I just want you to put yourself in someone else's shoes for a moment, put yourself in the shoes of the woman he's married to and ask yourself, how would you feel? What was that book on abandonment again? Allison, this book isn't about abandonment per se but it covers that topic in here. I can't think of a good abandonment book right now but I'll come back to you on that later. I like that, Jonathan. Okay, 100% it's about both making, it's 100% it's about making 50% of the effort. No, Sophia, I wanna shift your perspective on this. Two cars are traveling down the street, okay? Each person is making 100% effort into their car, okay? In other words, they're putting 100% into the energy of the relationship. Now, you could divide it by 50-50, we could look at it as a pie, here's a pie chart. You're gonna put 100% to this part and they're gonna put 100% to this part, okay? The effort is 100%, it's not 50%. I'm just differentiating a little bit, okay? How do you get back to self-esteem after breakup? Rationally, I know I'm a catch but my self-esteem is wounded. Olga, I'm just sending you a big gigantic shot. I'm gonna send you a big gigantic teddy bear hug. Do you guys remember the teddy bear? First give yourself a hug, Olga. How do you get back to your self-esteem? A daily practice of self-love, personal development, self-help and spiritual work. Look at the back of my book, Outlines. Recommended readings and studies, teaching and workshops. I list all the great places that I went to to love myself and that's my invitation for you as well. Do personal development. John, thank you so much. Living life, if a man tells you he doesn't want a serious relationship and wants to be a friend with benefits, do you take him serious or is there a hope to change it? He's an avoidant. I almost wanna, all right, okay, I get it. Some man says he doesn't want a serious relationship. Okay, let me ask you a question. Let's just say you're the employer of a company and you get an employee that wants to work for you and they go, you know what? I really don't wanna work for your company but I'm willing to work for it just to kill time and just get the, to get the health benefits. So I'm just gonna come here, sit here, do nothing just so I can get the health benefits. Would you wanna hire that person? I think I answered your question. Living life, if a man tells you, okay, I'm in love with this man but he also has another girlfriend, what can I do? Okay, your name says John. I'm in love with this man but he also says he has another girlfriend. What can I do? So are you really in love with him or do you have attachment to him? Here's the thing, to me, love is when two people, two people, two people, two people can say the following. I'm here, you matter, we are important. I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. When two people can say that to one another, they don't have girlfriends with someone else, okay? What most likely you're experiencing is attachment to another human being and not genuine love. So, but hey, if you really love him, give him $100,000 and see what he's gonna do with that money. I'm being intentionally rhetorical but people won't part with their money. Would you give yourself $100,000 to a man who has a girlfriend? No, I'm just being rhetorical but don't choose to be in relationship with someone. Don't be in love with someone who has a girlfriend. Okay, Adrian or Adelein, please forgive me. I keep running into men who are scammers. I understand they are scammers once they start asking for money. How do I avoid them all together? I'm trying to let them somehow. You know, chances, what I've noticed is men or the Nigerian scam artists are looking for what's known as low hanging fruit, people that probably have weak self-esteem, okay? I'm not saying that's an absolute but they just have a way of looking at someone's profile and determining that. So my invitation is shore up on yourself love because I think that's naturally gonna go away. I'm just, you know, but again, I don't know what you're actively who you're talking to and whatnot. The scam artists online only represent about 10 to 15%. It's not all the people out there. 10 to 15% are scam artists, 10 to 20% are people are lonely or never gonna go out on a first date. Another 10 or 20% are deeply wounded. And then there's another 30, 40% of people who genuinely wanna be in relationship. So it's a roll of the dice. Okay, advice to maintaining a long distance relationship. Okay, long distance relationship. Let's talk about that for a second. Here's the thing about long distance relationships. Two people engage and depending on what the distance is here in Los Angeles, long distance can be, you know, 30 minute drive. I would not enter into a sexual relationship unless both people have a plan on how to take this relationship from casual to committed, from casual to committed without a plan on how you're going to physically be in the same town and having an intentional plan, I wouldn't invest in someone without having that plan. And I wouldn't be, and I would discuss that plan before the penis gets to go inside the vagina. I know I'm dramatic and I'm a little bit showmanship here and it's kind of a little bit harsh and cruel or maybe a little rude, but I'm sorry, I have to make this point. Before you, and by the way, most long distance relationship, they have sex on the first visit and they don't end up going anywhere because you got the guy or girl got the milk for free. There's no investment. So if you want to be in a relationship in a long distance, my invitation is have a plan. Okay, what's that, what is that? Oh, okay, if he's into you, he'll want to contact you. Okay, so if he writes, if he's into you, he'll want to contact you. He goes a few days or more, that means he's not into you. So here's the thing about, here's the thing about building a relationship or getting comfortable with another human being. I think what's missing in a lot of relationships is real deep friendship, the roots of building a friendship. I do believe it's missing today, especially now because of COVID because you can't do social activities, hobbies and mutual interests and spending time with family and friends that develops the roots to friendship. When two people have been friendship with one another, deep friendship, what I mean by friendship is you feel safe to talk with one another, you enjoy each other's company, you look forward to hanging out with them. This isn't an issue of I'm just not that into you. It's more of an issue is the friendship hasn't been built. That's why doing these books I'm recommending. By the way, I also want to recommend this book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Nonviolent, it's more compassionate communication or passionate communication, I'm passionate. Learn, read this book as well. Okay, if he's in you, okay. Thank you, I'm amazing, I appreciate that. Okay, do we have any other questions? Does religion have, does religious has to disrupt relationship? Does, I'm assuming it says, does religion, okay. So I think religion is a great to under, from my perspective, religion actually speaks to a human being's values, a human being's values. Just like politics really leans into a person's value. So if two people are, if one person is a devout Christian that goes to church five days a week, going out with an atheist, it most likely will be problematic, okay. People that are extreme on their ideologies, oftentimes don't make a good match. I think people that share your values is what's more important. So it's not so much about religion, it's more about your values. And politics and religion gives us insight into a person's values. And the more two people are aligned in their values, the greater chance they have for creating this. Roots to friendship, yes. John writes, don't think so, but more. Why is there a WhatsApp messaging going on? Okay. All right, any other questions? Do you have any questions going back to, I mean, as I'm waiting for more questions to pop up, I just wanna remind you those six things I talked about in the beginning of this topic. I talked about the six ways to understand a man's love commitment style, first is understand instincts, then biology, then socialization, then, oh shit, imprinting, I forgot my own. Next is life experiences and finally, their emotional maturity. And within emotional maturity, I wanna lean into that for a second. Really intelligence and introspective work also plays a part in this. The more intelligent a person is, I do believe they tend to be a little bit more logical in the way they approach life versus more irrational. So actually, let me backtrack. It's not so much intelligence. Let me rewind that. Rationality versus irrationality. People that are more rational in their life, which is usually a sign of intelligence, tend to live life more from a logical perspective versus those that live purely by their irrational emotions. So I'm just saying emotional maturity that plays a part in that. Okay, what else, let's see. How long should someone take between committed relationship? How long should someone take between committed relationships? Thank you, I'm amazing. So, you know, I was in a significant relationship for six years that didn't work out. And I can tell you, I wanted a new relationship shortly after it ended, but it took me a while to unravel the tapestry. So I want you to think of a relationship like a tapestry, and even though two people are broken up, it takes a while to unwrap the tapestry of the we and to get back into your sovereignty of the me, okay? So it took me a while, and some people say for every year in relationship, half that time to be ready to be in relationship. I'm not saying that's what it is. But I do believe a good six months at a minimum to reestablish your sovereignty, and six months of no longer pining for another human being. If you're constantly pining for that other person, then now some people say jump into a new relationship and you forget you're old, but if you've got unresolved stuff, that can be problematic to the new relationship. So I'm gonna say a minimum of six months, but that's just an arbitrary number, whatever feels right for you to get back into your sovereignty. Thank you for hugging the teddy bear. You're welcome, Pawn. What can I tell someone that I don't wanna be in contact with anymore without sounding, I'm hurt. So how can I tell someone I don't wanna be in contact with anymore? What's a good way of doing that? That's a really good question. Delete them from your phone. Now, I think a very nice message, text message email, saying how much you appreciated the time with them, but you need time for yourself and you're going to disengage from communicating from them because you need time for yourself. Make it as simple as that. I wouldn't make it more complicated. You should put 100% in the side of your relationship. You should put 100% into your side of the relationship. What if they don't? You give them time too. So, here's the thing. If one person's traveling at this speed and another person's traveling at this speed in relationship, you have a choice. You can just ratchet down your speed to match their speed. You can tell them how to catch up to your speed by discussing the relationship. John Gottman talks about making a bid or request. So whatever is deficient in the relationship, talk about that. About what your needs, wants and desires are. Make a bid or request to see if they match your speed. But ultimately, you're either gonna have to go at their speed and accept their speed or you give them an invitation to match your speed. Otherwise, it sounds like the relationship will be misaligned and misaligned relationships usually don't be, they're usually not very juicy and delicious at least from my perspective. Okay, how to stop attracting unavailable men? Are you unavailable? So, I recognize that the vast majority of men and women. So, I've got this pie chart I've showed before. So, I want you to look at this pie chart. So, 10%, 10%. So, what this represents 20% of the dating population is deeply, deeply, deeply wounded. They probably have some clinical wounds and about 10% of them are already in a relationship and 10% are not. So, that's what that represents. Then there's another 30% that are wounded that they have some real challenging wounds that makes them very difficult to be in relationship with. This is men and women alike. So, then we're gonna talk about this other half. There's 10 and 10. 10% emotionally mature people who are in relationship, another 10% of people who are emotionally mature people that are not in relationship. Then there's another 30%, they're doing the work. They're doing healing work. They're in the tunnel and they're getting there. So, what's most important is asking really good questions in the early stage of dating. That's what I do as a coach. My coaching practice is all about helping you getting crystal clear on who you are and what you want, helping you learn using the law of attraction to attracting better quality people in your life. And I teach you how to vet for emotionally mature people. So, that's what I do in my private coaching. All right, we're gonna be wrapping up in a few minutes. So, I'm gonna take one or two more questions. Thank you, my olive. I really appreciate that. TYSMV, don't know what that means. TYSVM, excuse me. Thanks, Gallico, I appreciate that. I've been single for 15 years. I'm in a new relationship for three months. How long do I blank? What is your take on? I don't know what Brooke, what you're asking. How long do I blank? I have just walked away from a relationship that I didn't think was healthy. It's hard, but still going strong. Where have you mentioned that men need to feel safe? We will not. By the way, when I say men, I'm saying men and women alike need to feel safe. The reality is, is both men and women are afraid of love. They're afraid of love because there takes a level of surrender, surrendering the fear, surrendering the ego, surrendering all that crap, because ultimately love is the most beautiful thing in life and it starts with self-love. It starts with loving on yourself. And when you can love on yourself, you can be Hercules or Wonder Woman, okay? You can be Hercules, Wonder Woman, Superman. Trying to think of another female. Oh gosh, heroin, it'll come to me a little bit. Isis. But anyway, you can be that when you love on yourself, you don't have to worry about others. You can just be who you are and you become a magnetic attractor for someone who's much like you when you begin on loving yourself. And I can tell you, I speak to women all day long. I speak to thousands and thousands of women. I've had over 20,000 hours of coaching. So many of you, because the number one emotional health issue is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likable. And dating triggers that wound like nobody's business. That's why please order my book and begin a path, begin that journey and buy all these books because you're going to become a magnetic attractor for that healthy, juicy, delicious relationship. All right, look at this. We started off with a little bit of a snafu. I just wanna thank you all for being on this call live or this YouTube live. I'm truly grateful. I'm gonna wrap up just reminding you a couple things. First, I'm gonna use my teddy bear to bring it up. The six things, the six things. Instincts, biology, socialization, imprinting, life experiences, and lastly emotional maturity. These is what makes up a person's love commitment style, man or woman or life. And I wanna encourage you to understand this so you can make better choices and you can be more intentional in the dating process and in the relationship process. All right, we're gonna wrap up today's YouTube video question live. I wanna thank you so much. We both wanna thank you so much. I'm gonna first give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you all a hug of love. If it's okay, thank you so much for being on a live and listening to the recording. I'm gonna ask you to turn to a friend or a pet or a pillow or a teddy bear and give it a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and we can all use a lot more love in our lives. Thank you so much for being on today. Wishing you a super duper wonderful day. Bye bye now, bye bye.