 Hey what's up you guys, welcome back to my YouTube channel. Hi, hello, I'm Lydia, what up. Today I'm heading up to see Beth and that's a whole vlog on itself. Look out for that, seriously. Hello. Hi is that Lydia? Yeah it is. Hi Lydia, my name's Molly. Oh hiya. Hi you okay, we do have your passport. Yeah my passport meaning I can go out and get drunk. Don't let me drown. Today's video is about knowing yourself, knowing when you're all getting bad again. Today I want to talk about the subject of relapse and my video was over the past few months show what a relapse looks like because you could see me slowly getting worse and worse and worse and it just wasn't good and today I'm here to tell you yeah that is a normal process, it doesn't normally just click in your bag, it can, don't get me wrong, but it usually takes time to relapse. I'm not talking about self-harm relapse, I'm not talking about eating soy relapse, I'm talking about relapse with your mind. What I mean by that is going from positive thinking to out of control which is the thing that's common with BPD and while my diagnosis has changed slightly, I'm not going to get into that in this video, when I say when your mind gets out of control what I mean is being impulsive, reckless, spending all your money, drinking, drug and just everything that you wouldn't normally want to do, things that you're like oh I'm over that. I'm going to go from me, I went from being suicidal to not suicidal, I had a good three months of not feeling suicidal then bam I was suicidal and I hadn't realised that things had been building up in my head and then I ended up in hospital for a month looking at myself stabilised and I want to talk about that process and what it feels like to me. So looking back on some of my older videos I can see that I've got a lot less energy in them videos and I remembered that would be the only thing I'd do each day, I'd do my makeup, film a video, sit down in a bed, get my pajamas on and upload and that would be my day's test done. I wouldn't bother eating, I wouldn't bother going out, I'd maybe go to the vending machine and get a drink or go to Asda and get a drink, that'd be it. I wasn't really eating much and you can see as the videos go on that I lose so much weight around my face given still not happy with my weight I'm not losing weight anymore. When it comes to my appearance I started doing really nice intense makeup then it just stopped like it slowly stopped I used to do less and less and less and less and less. I don't wear any. I hate the way I look, I'm upfront about the fact that I do not like the way in which I appear so not wearing makeup made me not want to film too much, I was only really vlogging when I went out with friends, I was doing cinematic stuff I didn't want to be on camera and my anxiety took over, that just got worse and worse and worse. Everything just slowly got worse and worse and worse and I didn't notice it until I hit the point which is common among people with BPD none was noticed the switches we don't know how much our emotions changed and this I found out literally by editing my own video so as you guys probably know I made a video documenting the month that I spent in hospital and in that I saw my mood flip like one day to the next just and I didn't think so at the time I thought my mood was working normally I'm awesome and I can say now that I've come out of hospital I'm not suicidal which is a big thing to say I have to say that it's that is the important thing for me because my life matters and I'm happy to be alive like I don't want to die I brought everything built up so much that I thought I did and I tried to and when it came to going into hospital I went involuntarily but I also didn't really understand why I was going in until I was there and I started talking to another patient and she changed my perspective on things and Kay offered amazing amount of support Beth amazing amount of support Jordan amazing amount of support my three closest friends were supporters hell Emma texted me now and then I don't know what I'd be without you guys I literally don't everyone I know now I've met free YouTube I don't have any like IRL friends like everyone I've met is through my social media which is a big thing to say really and I am not a cute people which is why I make friends with people so easily I think back on the subject of relapsing it didn't feel good when I hit rock bottom I didn't like it I don't I didn't enjoy being suicidal because it was all I was thinking about I was thinking I walk in a room and find everything I could do within seconds in A&E I had four security people and the police stood by the door because they thought I was going to try and run away they removed me from my flat under the mental capacity act which I'm going to make a whole video talking about because it's completely different to the mental health act but police stood at the door the security stood at the end of the bed and there was me sat there having a panic attack wanting to leave and believe me I tried I not made little but I can put a bit of a fight they were wrong I also got dragged back in that room very quickly um can't take on six people the importance of recognising that it happened is so important when it comes to a covering because when I was doing one to one to people they was asking me do you know why you're here and at the start I was like I just got a bit down who cares they kept saying you tried to kill yourself in quite an extreme way and then it got to third week I want to say I really hit home and I was like I literally tried to do and I was actually on a one to one at the time where I had this little moment and I asked the person who was sitting with me I was like things got bad didn't they and she had a nice conversation with me I cried I know I have emotions and that recognition that I'd got bad was what pushed me to do better since then I've been doing exposure therapy and I want to make a video talking about that I've done little things to help myself and I'm now going on a weekend trip to see Beth that was planned last night if you wouldn't talk about impulsive Beth is the definition Beth is the definition of impulsive literally like she was really drunk as well she booked she asked me to book train tickets and book a hotel room it was very a fast paced for lack of a better word as long as I get a seat I don't really care means I can edit this while I'm on the go I'll be happy like I can happily watch stuff on my hard drive I want to just make this video to say that relapsing isn't okay but it happens to the best of us like I know a few people who are going for a lot of the moment I know a few people who have recently made pretty serious attempts on their own life and that is because of this channel I've spoken to people who are going through so much and my heart literally hurts when I read messages I read every message I get some of them are triggering I'm not gonna lie but some of them are so far beyond anything and my heart really just go out to these people like to me you guys aren't viewers you are my friends I'll just have to sit like this so what I want to say in this video is that you are important and if you're going through something like now reach out for support there are so many health lines I know health lines aren't the best but they help in that immediate moment you can talk through what you're thinking and if they phone the police they phone the police because there's an immediate risk to yourself don't kick off if they do that like while having police turned up and kicked down your door or whatever it's horrible believe me if it needs to happen it needs to happen like Jordan is the one who phoned the police for me that day when I got taken to hospital it was Jordan who phoned them and all I have to say to Jordan at that time is thank you because I wouldn't be here without like what Jordan did for me relapse is inevitable it you can't expect to have like a perfect run of things I think if you expect that it just sets you up for failure if you expect to and keep on working on yourself you're actually less likely to relapse and if you do relapse it's okay you can come back from it and that's been the one thing I've learned I was after that attempt I was like how the fuck can I get back to where I was how can I get back to making positive videos that people want to watch rather than me just crying get a camera and then I thought I'll share the experience I will be honest and real that's what I do I do share my real life with you guys and what I'm doing here is explaining to you what really happened and what relapses are and how long a process it was for me my PTSD got worse and worse and worse as time went on to a point where I couldn't cope with it anymore my anxiety was out of control my depression was at an all-time low and the BPD kicks in and it's like oh let's try and kill ourselves boom like that's what the point I got to and I share that with you knowing that there's other people going through it and if you're going through it I'm here like you could message me on anything and I'll answer as soon as I can I try and answer every message I get it's a bit hard sometimes but I do try I think that's all I've got for this video thank you for watching this video and like I said in my last video it's great to be back making videos for you I've missed it that whole month of not doing it I missed it like I had little clips to edit I didn't have like videos to edit or anything I got really bored and I've missed you so thank you for sticking by me and thank you for being awesome make sure you hit the subscribe button if you're new and if you like me maybe you can give me a little thumbs up tickle it a little bit then the bell it goes ding it doesn't actually go ding don't sue me and you can have a free invisible cookie correcto correcto confirm oh it sounds like a hard pass bell I'm gonna go bye