 The Abbot and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camel stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Eddie Ritch and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes, tonight's guest and famous columnist is Heta Hopper and starry, but Abbot and Lou Costello. What just happened? What happened? Here, read this telegram. Now let's see it. It says, your uncle's will has just been read and you have inherited three million dollars. Yeah, Costello, that's great. Why are you crying about, though? It ain't my telegram. I found it on the street. That's ridiculous. Now listen, as mayor of Sherman Oaks, I've called a meeting at City Hall tonight to decide that we've decided to publish a paper. We need new ideas. Oh, well, Abbot, I got an idea for your newspaper that'll stand people on their heads. What's your idea? Print your paper upside down. That was a funny joke. Alright, never mind that. We don't want those kind of jokes. Just talk sense, please. Okay, I'll talk sense. Now look, Abbot, when do you want me to take charge of the paper? What do you know about the newspaper business? I wrote a four-page article in the examiner this morning on fresh milk. Here, look at it. Four pages on milk? Four pages on milk. I only see two lines. The editor condensed it. Condensed it? Skim to news. Skim to alright, Costello. You don't know anything about news. Hold on. Did you know that the Joneses who live across the street from you had a fight last night and Mr. Jones left the house for good? Are you sure that he left her for good? I'm positive. He even erased his ring from the bathtub. Oh, Costello, that's not the kind of news we want. We want stories about important people, celebrities. Ah, then I'm your man, Abbot. I'm the kid you're looking for. Now you're talking. Did you know that Aunt Sheridan lives right next door to me? She does. Yes. And did you know that every morning she sings in the shower? Costello, that's news. You said it, and that's not all. Not all? No, this morning when she was singing in the shower. Yes. I sneaked out my back door. Yes, yes. I tiptoed over close to her house. Yes, yes. Brother, can she sing, Costello? Costello, will you please be serious? Oh, here's Ken Niles. Ah, good evening, Costello. Hello, Mayor Abbott. Say, Bud, I understand you're going to start a newspaper, and I'd like to write a daily column on household pets. I know all about animals. I'll see you too. Look at that old horse you married. Now, stop that. I think Ken is just the man to give advice on the care of pets. Oh, yeah? He gave me a fleek cure for my dog. Now I can't find the dog. Look, all I told you to do was rub the dog down with alcohol. I did that. The fleas got drunk and dragged the dog away. Girdle again. Girdle. Girdle. How did you happen to name your dog Girdle? Because we keep him tied up all day, and then let him out at night. And another thing, Bud, your newspaper will need a woman's touch. You know, my lovely wife is a regular news hawk. With that beak, she looks more like a pelican. She looks more like a pelican. Oh, I heard that remark. You fat food bilcher. I said it. Mrs. Niles may be very valuable on our newspaper. Oh, she may be. This is somebody's line, and it's mine. Thank you. Go ahead. Go ahead. Now, come on. Yes, sir. Be a nice boy. You could put her picture in a weather column. The weather column. Wait a minute, Costello. What would my wife's picture be doing in the weather column? After looking at her face, nine days of rain would be a pleasure. But that's your nice quiet, Costello. Just a minute, now. It's a push on that key. Now, wait a minute. If Mrs. Niles will accept, I'm going to make her the fashion editor of the woman's page. Ah, you've made a wise choice, Mr. Rabbit. Just look at it. Doesn't she dress beautifully? Oh, Kenneth. Oh, Mr. Rabbit, this is just an old thing that I wear to peel potatoes. It looks like the old thing the potatoes came in. Maybe it took off some of the potatoes you wouldn't look so lumpy. You should talk. The mistake was clean. I'll say, just look at him. The drape in his coat doesn't even cover the droop in his pants. Sweetheart, you're the one that dusted him off. Oh, he dusted him off. If Vivi McGee is listening, I'll trade him too old. Stop insulting people. You never make a newspaper man. But I'll be the best reporter you ever saw. I've got some hot news right now. Yes? What is it? I just saw Shirley Temple when you were eating a sundae. You call that hot news? Certainly. It was a hot, hot sundae. Oh, don't be silly. I want headline news, news of worldwide importance. Well, why don't you say so? Hang me that telephone. What are you going to do? Hello, operator? Give me Adolph Hitler and Berlin. Adolph Hitler? Yes. He gives me all the news. No. Yes. Hello. 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Of course, we should stick to us gals. What are you doing? Aren't you just trying to see if the presses are working? I'm telling you for the last time, Castello. You've got to stop wasting time around the office. From now on, you're going to be our police reporter. Police reporter? Yes. Now, let me explain your duties. Now, let's suppose you're standing on the corner first on Main Street. It's three o'clock in the morning. Am I with a beautiful girl? Certainly not. Well, a police reporter and you're on duty. Suddenly, a car whizzes around the corner. A girl leaps out and yells, help, help, I'm being kidnapped. Oh, boy, kidnappers, that's my meat. You've got to go after them. Oh, good. That's my meat. Oh, there's going to be shooting, murdering, bloodshed. Oh, boy, that's my... I'm a vegetarian. You must tear after the kidnappers. Where's your car? Standing over the Atlantic curve. Oh, oh, new car, old top. No. Stop. Oh, quiet. Quickly, you jump into your car and you start the motor. Wait a minute, Abbott. First, I've got to put on new pair of pants. New pants for what? The guy that sold me the car said I had to put on new seat covers. Oh, no, no. You go chairing it. I don't think that one either. Never mind. I don't like it either. Just keep quiet. You go chairing after the kidnappers. There they are. They're gaining on them. They're gaining on each other. You're in right in back of them. Then what do you do? I stop. Why did you stop? I'm on a gas. All right. You're out of gas. Quick. You pull into that filling station and tell the man you want Ethel. Suppose it's her day off. Will you... Will you stop that? Just tell the man to put Ethel in your car. Why should he put Ethel in my car? I don't even know that girl. Look, Costell, all I want you to do is to get tanked up with Ethel. Tanked up with Ethel? Yes. Oh, forget it. You get your gas. And away you go again. Suddenly you see the gangsters' car. You pull up alongside of them and put on your handbrake. Put on what? What do you put on in case of an emergency? My bathrobe. Oh, come on. They get your bathrobe. You crawl out on your running board. Without my bathrobe? Yes, without your bathrobe. And jump over to the other car. Why have it is going 90 miles an hour? Whoops. What happened? You slipped. You're hanging on by a hair. Which hair? What's the difference with hair? Some of them are falling out. All right. Never mind your hair. Rich nose. Never mind that. You climb into the kidnapper's car. You knock them right. You knock them left. Yeah. You take the girl in your arms. Good. She looks up at you tenderly. Yes. Horizon. Yes. She says... Good evening, everybody. This is head of hopper. What's cooking? A couple of hams. They're here now. Come on. I bought the girl that I'm saving. Why? I had castellan. This lady really is head of hopper. The famous columnist. Don't you know head of hopper? Don't I know head of hopper? I know her whole family. You do? I went to school with her brother Hippity. Hippity? Yeah. Hippity hopper. Oh. And her sister works at a drive-in. Car hopper. Oh, shut up. She's got a knuckle that's a waiter. Table hopper. Oh. I met her husband, Brass. You know, head of... Really, you look very charming tonight. Oh, thank you, bud. And you're as handsome as you are tall. Hey. What about me? Well, you're as handsome as you're tall. Shorty. Shorty! Don't talk to me like... Now, what would I be doing with a vacuum cleaner? Where else could you get all that dirt? I don't talk like that, Castellar. I miss Hopper. We'll never put you in her column. Well, she don't have to. I'll give her my own news. Hey, head of... Did you know that Hoosers who was up with watches over at... You know Hoos. And they said so-and-so about, uh... What's-a-ma call it? You know, I heard about that. You did? Yes, but this is the first time I ever got the details. Uh... Head of, I invited you over here tonight to offer you a job... Of gossip columnist on our new paper. The Sherman Oaks Gazette. Oh, thank you, Mr. Mayor. I'd be so happy to help you out. I know everything that's going on in Hollywood, New York, Chicago, Philadelphia, Boston... No, it's the old day, ain't she? Castello Gossip is Miss Hopper's business. I know all about her business. She peeks through keyholes. Castello, I do not peek through keyholes. Then how come you're only bloodshot in one of your eyes? Now, be careful what you say, Castello. I am. I ain't gonna give her a chance to talk about me. I don't think. Where am I? I see my place. Thank you. I'm gonna show him her Sherman Oaks Gazette. I don't think you can see. She's gotta prove to me that she can write a gossip column. Castello, Heather has wonderful contacts. She has a host of friends. That's right. I don't carry grants from the RKO lot, Heddy Lamar from the Metro lot, Bing Crosby from the Paramount lot. Yes, but do you know Cuck-Eye Louis? Where's he from? From the parking lot. Oh, Castello, shut up. In your tune, spring will be a little late this year. Worse than your cigarette. Has wartime flatness hit your cigarette? Are you looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke? Well, then get camels for more flavor. More flavor that helps camel cigarettes hold up. Keep from going flat no matter how many you smoke. Yes, camels do have more flavor because they're expertly, matchlessly blended of costlier tobaccos. And we invite you to prove that for yourself in your own taste and throat, your T-zone. Your own taste will tell you that camel cigarettes have more flavor and your throat will give you the last word on camel smooth extra mildness. And remember, camel cigarettes stay fresh. Cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. C-A-M-V-L-N. Camel cigarettes, they're first in the service. They've got work to do. What's that? You in trouble again? Just getting jammed. And I'm always getting you out. Castello, who was that? Dick Tracy. What's up? All right, quiet. Did you get any advertising today for our paper? Yes, I just got a classified ad. What does it say? Rent it. Rent it. Rent it. That late. Wait a minute. Didn't you get any advertising? Yeah, here it is right here. What is it? Man with income tax blank. Would like to meet lady with income. No. Castello, do you realize that the first edition of the Gazette goes to press at midnight and we haven't got a big front page story yet? Where's the editor of this paper? I've got to see him. I've got a great story. Take it easy, pal. What's the yarn? I've just become the father of triplets. Hey, would you mind repeating that? Not if I can help it. Castello, we're wasting time. I've got to have a story. I'll tell you a story, Abbott. What? There was a traveling sales. No, not that story. It's clean. Never mind. I'm leaving, boys. Oh, it's Hedda Hopper. Are you ready to go to press? Yes. Come on, Hedda. First, I'll press you. Come on. Now, you press me. No, no, no. Castello, you can't do that to Miss Hopper. Now, you keep out of this. I belong to the press club. Let's test those presses again. Boy, you sure can be happy with your nest egg. What nest egg? Don't tell me that thing on your head is a hat. How, Castello? What time do you feed it? Just a minute. Don't make fun of Miss Hopper's hat. She's famous for her hats. Oh, this hat I'm wearing, I got it at Sax Fifth Avenue. At $50, it's a goodbye. Yes. Goodbye, $50. What time do you expect it to go south? Now, look. Look, you two, I hate to interrupt, but our newspaper goes to press in two hours. And we still haven't got a big front page story. Oh, that reminds me. I can tell you how to get a great story. My dear friend, the Duchess of Frappingham has just arrived in Hollywood, and she's having a big housewarming tonight. The whole Blue Book has been invited. Meet me there, and I'll introduce you to the right people. But how are we going to get in? Well, aren't you in Who's Who? No, I'm in Who's This. Well, you both join me at the Duchess of Frappinghams, and I'm sure you'll get a story. I'll see you later, boys. Here we are, Costello, the Duchess of Frappinghams. Now, remember, mind your manners. When they pass the food, say I'm not hungry. When they pass the drinks, say I'm not thirsty. Okay, but when they pass the girls, I'm gonna add lib. Not quiet now. Now, be careful how you act, Costello. We must get a story for our paper from the Duchess. Now, let's go on in. Hey, Adam, this is some party. Yes, it's very classy. Look, here's the butler announcing the guests. Listen. Presenting the invitation, I cannot admit you. This is Van Venterbilt, and I rub shoulders with Mrs. Arster, Mrs. Whitney. You rub shoulders with them? Yes, and when my back stopped the chin, I walked away. Side door. I couldn't let you in the front way without an invitation. Now, come with me and I'll introduce you to the Earl of Buckingham, the Earl of Brittenham, and the Earl of Cunningham. That's a lot of earl. That's a lot of ham. My, Miss Hopper, this place is certainly furnished beautifully. Everything comes from England. All this furniture is covered with mohair. The sofas are covered with mohair. The chairs, everything's covered with mohair. It's a wonder mole's got any hair left. We've got to get a story. Where's the Duchess? There she is, talking to some friends in the trophy room. Hey, Abbott, look at that big stuffed moose head by the... Oh, now come along and I'll introduce you. Oh, Duchess, may I present Abbott and Costello of the Sherman Oaks Gazette. Salute, Navy Lieutenant Nathan G. Gordon of Moralton, Arkansas, pilot of the Catalina patrol plane Black Cat. After an American raid on Kaviang, crews of eight United States planes shot down by anti-aircraft were floating in the enemy harbor. Lieutenant Gordon landed his Catalina right under enemy guns, picked up aviators, and repeated this three more times, all under heavy fire, until he had rescued 15 fliers. In honor of you and your crew, Lieutenant Nathan G. Gordon, the makers of camels are sending to our Navy men in the Pacific 300,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the four camel shows honors a yank of the week, send 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas, a total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravans have thanked audiences of more than three and a half million yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week, a short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durratti. Saturday to Bob Hawking, thanks to the Yanks. Monday to Blondie. And next Thursday to Aberdeen Costello, who will have Blondie and Dagwood Bumstead as their guests. And now here's Bud Abbott with the final word. Thanks, Ken. Well, Costello, don't forget our guests next week will be Blondie and Dagwood Bumstead. Oh, I know that Dagwood very well. He gets in a lot of trouble, don't he Abbott? What do you mean? I went to grammar school with him. Once he came home with hives and the teacher threw him out. No, they can't throw you out of school for having hives. These hives had bees in them. Oh, quiet. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night.