 Welcome everyone to the Depression to Expression podcast. My name is Scott St. Marie and I know what you're thinking. Scott, how did you get such a cool guest on your podcast? How do you even know Alessandra Trezani? Well, I got news for you. That's what we're gonna talk about in this podcast. You know, we're so used to scripted life. We're so used to scheduled posts on Instagram. We're so used to seeing life for maybe not what it is, but for what it could be and should be. I'd like to challenge that. That's why we just have an organic and raw conversation of whatever comes to mind. Me and Alessandra just go back and forth and if you want to know her a little better, well, this is obviously the episode for you. So sit back, relax, grab a kombucha, grab a tea, grab a coffee, take a shot at tequila, whatever you need to do. Sit back and enjoy the moment. But honestly, maybe just one shot at tequila. Let's not go crazy. Although we're all crazy babies. Here's Alessandra on the Depression to Expression podcast. Alessandra Trezani. Yes, you said it perfect. This is clearly Italian. Yes. Okay, now are you very Italian? What is very Italian to your Italian? What's the family dynamic like? I am not from Italy. And my dad is not from Italy. But we, but my grandparents are from Italy. So we're Italian, but we're actually Northern Italian. So that's why I'm so light skinned and so nice and pale if you will. Or just Sicilian. So I have the attitude of an Italian lady, but not really face, but it's there, but I got the name. So that's about as good as it's going to get the name. It's a beautiful name. That name flows. That is very flowing. My name is Olivia. So it's very Italian. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Mine's just like cut to the chase kind of name. Like Scott. And then that's it. You're kind of like just Canadian. It's so Canadian. Yes. And my brother's names are Paul and Mark and Craig. So. Canadian. Yeah. Yeah. I love Canada. Do I sound Canadian to you? How do I? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Definitely. In a bad way or. No, but do you say big? Big. Yeah. He's a bag. And you also say. About. About. I shot a TV show in Vancouver. So I live in Vancouver. So I was very familiar with the. I can hear a Canadian accent. Where other people like cannot at all. Oh, interesting. I had someone come from. Actually a patron of mine come from Long Island. This past weekend. And she, she had the accent at coffee. Yeah. But, but she, yeah, but she knew my Canadian accent very well. Yeah. And it never laughed multiple times. I'm like, whatever coffee. But if you don't know a Canadian accent, I feel like you would never hear it. But if you're around, like, I mean, I was surrounded by it for so long. That I could pick up, you know, certain little things. It's a little sing songy in some words. Yes. And interesting, like, Canada is massive. So. Yeah. Yeah. So. So it's really interesting how you get that mix. So before this, I was doing some homework on you. Oh, and I never, and I didn't, I swear until today, like 15 minutes ago. And I, I, and I was scrolling down the IMDB. And I saw that you were the. Ann. Interesting. Like Canada's massive. So Eastern Canada, the new fee accent is way different from West Coast or central. So it's really interesting how you get that mix. So before this, I was doing some homework on you. You always do a face favor in whatever circumstances we're in in a rest at development. Oh, I was the first day on that's right. You were the first. That is, I was like, Oh, yeah. Oh, it was so cool. So that was a long time ago. Yeah. I would love for you to introduce yourself to the listeners. And, you know, obviously, well with playing and you're obviously in the acting world. really long time I'm 32 now so quite some time and I've done everything from TV to film I was a dancer when I was younger a professional dancer so very comfortable in the stage but yes I was in the I was the first man on a rest of development and when I shot that it's so funny I get that so many times that people recognize me from that I don't even think I got to be honest I don't even think I've seen it but but you are in much bigger things I just like but that's the one thing I definitely know I the banana stand but when we shot that a rest of development had not come out yet so I didn't know what I was even doing I just thought I was like doing a regular I think it was Fox or something maybe I think I was doing like a regular Fox show so I had no idea would be such a hit and now I actually watch it on Netflix but because it's not like me I don't associate it because I don't I'd like to kind of hopped around but the later episodes right right so that's that's an early start to the to the acting career at night was that something that you did consistently or did you go to school did you have breaks right I did I did go to school at the same time and so I would go back and forth and would have to leave you know class for an audition or have to go shoot a TV show but I actually left my 10th grade 10 for Canadians grade 10 and halfway in the year because I got a TV show that shot in Australia for four months and my school wouldn't allow me to go so I took my high school proficiency exam and I started doing college classes online so I finished two years of college by the time I was 17 or 16 and a half kind of and gone into colleges that I had always wanted to but always said okay well I'm gonna go back when I'm not working I'm gonna go back and I'm not working and then I consistently kept working so I kept pushing it off so yes I had somewhat of a normal life because I went to school with non-actors and my best friend is a non-actor but it's definitely my whole world was was acting well how did how did you balance those two things and how were you really you kept being pulled towards acting how did this passion evolve like that's a it's a really you know I kind of want to say popular dream but it's so difficult right to be successful however you wanted to find that too how did you keep going when maybe you weren't getting casted or you didn't have that many auditions at certain times right that's really difficult it was a lot of struggle I definitely have been rejected probably didn't work most people I met who are not in the business their entire life put together but I think that you have to have a really thick skin and you can't take it seriously and you can't take it personally that's for sure because if you're even a little bit sensitive which I'm very sensitive but I had to learn that you just kind of have to cut that part out of your life because it's not like someone rejecting you in your personal life or who you are they're rejecting you because you don't fit in the mold of a show or a character or whatever that may be right but that takes a long time to learn that and I think because I was young I was kind of oblivious and unaware of the like absurdity of being at risk and like being rejected at nine years old like because you just you don't know what you're doing so just everything's it just felt so fun to me going into an audition and meeting people and I loved talking as long as I could talk to somebody I was happy so for me it was exciting every single time that I did it oh that's very interesting and so important for people what what happens sometimes is if you if you follow your passion but then you make it work you kind of lose that love and energy for something because you've attached money to it and maybe you're only thinking about money and deemed that as a as a metric for success how did you define your career and even now how do you define success in your own life in specifically in acting um that is a mouthful Scott you know I think that there's always the part of me that's a perfectionist that doesn't think that I had any successes in honestly that goes through my head all the time where I compare where I am at 32 years old to friends or co-workers or people that I admire when I was younger and I looked up to but what I've slowly had to keep teaching myself over and over is it's never going to be the same as someone else because your journey is completely different and your life is different and your path is different and like yes I may not have an Academy Award but I'm also you know not that person yet and for me my path right now as well as being an actress is trying to communicate with my platform on mental health and like so that's where my focus is I don't think that anyone is really ever happy with their career even if they're the biggest person in the entire world because you can always find some fault and some problem in I shouldn't have done this movie because maybe if I didn't do this movie I would have missed out on this one vice versa whatever it may be so I don't think there's any way to fully be okay with what you've done and that's something that took me a long long long time to realize to kind of and I still struggle with it of taking that moment stepping back and realizing you cannot compare yourself to other people because that's just like a recipe for disaster I really like that I really and I struggle with that too I think that's really common especially well maybe not especially but in acting when maybe you have actor friends and they're booking this and he or she booked this and you have the whole series booked and you're like or maybe not you specifically maybe another person says I haven't gotten a call in two weeks right so what's really amazing I think in in what you've been doing in actors is developing resilience and and looking and dealing with failure failure maybe even that that rejection anyone in sales anyone in acting you know you develop that shell yeah what it with with being let's just say rejected right because yeah you don't fit that mold have I'd love to jump into to mental health was that really difficult being said no to so often what's your mental health journey been through all of this well and feel free to rewind to if that if that if it starts earlier no no no I mean it obviously started way earlier than that but I think that the the main issue that I have in regards to like my personal mental health and being an actor is I how do I say this I've always struggled with mental health so the business that I chose to be in was obviously not the smartest thing maybe for someone who had mental health issues to get into but it kind of made me as cheesy as it sounds stronger because it gave me the thick skin to protect me not only from other people in the business like from working in the rejection but from outsiders all around me and I think maybe that's why I'm at a place in my life Scott you're having helping me realize this maybe that's why I'm at a place in my life where I don't really care to share about I I don't care about not sharing my journey like before I was told to hide being bipolar for those who don't know I'm bipolar one so I was always told don't talk about it like it's not a good look to discuss it because you could be labeled as a diva on set or you know difficult to work with and none of that was true because that's not who I was I was very professional even from a young age but it was that stigma and I think that because I went through so much rejection in my my work life with my personal life now being able to share my truth if someone's going to be rude to me like that really does hurt still but I it's not the first time I've been rejected do you know what I mean does that make sense absolutely you again we can call it the thick skin but the first time something happens especially with children you could label like new experiences almost traumatic when you're learning something new new experience you fall for the first time right experience a new location my brother just had a baby three months ago she's three months old every new house she goes to she gets uncomfortable she's crying right it's just a new environment new things you're seeing new smells new people so all of that's so new it's like a overload it really is right that is making noise and I don't I just got a new computer so deal with me if those noises I don't know how to stop the high-pitched things oh no I want to stop those I'm so sorry I'm wait test test test no we're good we're good we're good okay so when we're talking about you know new experiences and having that there's always that fear and and hesitation to experience new things and and change what was the motivation and was there fear behind you finally saying hey I'm gonna share my story that's like like like when did it start when did it start or what was the reasoning behind that well there was a couple reasons behind it one of the reasons was I just have been so frustrated about not being able to speak my truth and my close friends and family knew and I didn't think it was a big deal I thought the more that I hide this the more it does feel like it's labeling me and it's a big deal when it's not it's just something that I was born with and and a lot of people are born with certain things and it's okay like you can't change it you know it is what it is but I think that I finally just have gotten frustrated and I was just done with all of the the hiding I think that it became another thing was it became kind of a hot topic to talk about like a keyword mental health social media world and I knew a lot of people that I was not friends with but that I knew whatever and people who I didn't know who I just seen people would send me stuff they were using mental health in a way that it was negative in the sense where they were using it to gain followers doing it because it's something that was just talked about and they're like oh this is a way to make me sound like I know more than I and then I know and so for me I would see this I'd be so frustrated that these people at such a voice and we're speaking to people and sharing these fake stories when I knew what I had gone through and then I didn't have a lot of people to speak to and I didn't know a lot of celebrities that had it and the only one that I knew that was open about it was Carrie Fisher and she was always my idol so I thought you know what I'm not saying that I'm like the most like famous person in the world and that everyone should listen to me and I'm like the best and blah blah blah but if I can help one person the way that Carrie Fisher did and not have it be looked down upon or or told a false story if I could speak my truth of what I really am and what I experience I hope and I wish and I feel the truth is that that is going to resonate to people and they're going to actually feel the sincerity behind it all and as soon as I started talking about my truth more people came out of the woodworks of sharing their personal stories and their journeys and saying that they had never known celebrities to have bipolar one and that the only one they had ever heard of was these three people that talk about it all the time and how nice it is to know that you know you're not alone especially in this day and age I think we live in a world behind a computer and behind you know Instagram and Facebook and while I think it's the most amazing thing technology because it gives us a platform to speak to people from the other side of the world that we never would have been able to I think that there are a lot of people that take advantage of it so that's a lot I feel like but I just threw at you that's not no no no this podcast is for you you do all the talking so yeah you are you are doing the right thing what do you find a problem what do you what do you disagree with when it comes to the mental health keyword you said that it's it's very popular today it's a trending word do you find that there is you know how do we know that stories are false how can we judge someone's level of suffering compared to someone else do you do you find that there what kind of negatives do you see with people sharing these things I think that any conversation is a good conversation I'll start with that what I think is wrong is if people have false information that they're giving out just because they heard through the great find that this is what helps someone with you know with bipolar disorder schizophrenia and it's like they don't know what they're talking about at all yeah or if people I mean I don't want to call people out but if someone's you know on there not sharing a personal story about depression and then they're speaking about it going oh I'm so depressed today like I'm exhausted and depressed and you're just like but but what but what is the feeling inside like give someone the definition of your depression because if you can speak what you do and what you're doing to help your depression that can help other people like learn and go through the journey with you you're just saying or posting a bikini photo and you go hashtag mental health awareness week you're like no judgment to what I cannot say what people are going through I'm never gonna say that but I am gonna say you can you can smell a rat you know from far away and you can see when people are doing it just to get the attention of a following on social media yeah and you know what we all judge and I don't think judging you know judging is basically coming to a conclusion without all the information that can be that's available but I don't know man sometimes that's enough information to see a bikini pic a little story and then all these mental health hashtags sometimes that's enough you know what I'm not gonna lie and say and as I suggested that you know I'm not gonna judge these people they may be struggling more than we know but sometimes you know what you can't smell something fishy down the street something's a little fishy going on you're right but I like the the point that you made that most conversation started is a good conversation when it comes to mental health there is a lot of misinformation and let's say with bipolar if someone's doing a post and they're like hey new study shows that grapes you eat 28 grapes a day you're cured so everyone started in those grapes you're like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa so there are a few misleading posts and misinformation and that's what happens when everyone has a voice on social media and the people with the loudest voice a lot of the time when it's like who was that actress who who wrote that book about the vagina steaming have you heard of that there you go and that people got sick from that and she had the loudest voice and how to cleanse your self-cleaning vagina right so that's just one example and then you can flip that to me I didn't read I have you know I did not have you ever have you ever met Gwyneth Paltrow I am not my Gwyneth Paltrow I hope to I love her but but no I did not read her steaming vagina okay the steam you know it's it's a whole other level that's a whole other level so what do you find because I think what you mentioned too is that conversation is good there's misinformation but a lot of people would just be like I'm depressed today blah blah blah blah blah maybe they're not actually depressed we don't know but there's not a lot of tangible things that people are offering that we can do to support ourselves right it's a lot of awareness not a lot of take action and do things what are some things that you've done because bipolar is very complicated what are some things that you do to stay on top of your overall mental health and well-being well I'm on medication okay believer on on being properly medicated if need be there's no shame in that I am really into transcendental meditation and that's helped me a lot and so that's one thing I used to be a dancer so there's if I'm ever feeling in my head and I'm like wanting to just like roll up all these emotions the best way for me to express myself is just go to a dance studio not tell anyone not just focus in my mind and just like let it all out you know that that's really good yeah believer also in a in an inverted sauna I know that's so weird but sometimes just being in a solidarity in your brain and like having your body like flush all the sweat out of your system that actually helps a lot too it helps with my migraines what's an inverted sauna you're upside down you're hanging upside down I thought you said inverted oh my god fine I don't know what that is no but that could be a new thing who knows okay infrared sauna yes absolutely even that do you like visualize almost while you're in there just the flushing of not being you know it's about being in your head but not being in your head at the same time because I think that there's nothing better than being in quiet stillness in a small area which sounds super crazy and claustrophobic because I'm claustrophobic but for some reason like it's almost like being in the womb again and you feel safe you know bringing a book like listen to a podcast listen to your podcast listen to my podcast like whatever but I think that it's very important to take care of your your physical body as well as your mental to have an effect on your mental health I think that you have to you know get up and walk around and move and just kind of that's the only way to get out of your head I love that now let's let's rewind if we can how did you know that something maybe wasn't working quite right in your life or mentally when did you seek help when were you diagnosed with bipolar one I was diagnosed when I was 22 years old okay 20 yeah 22 I keep saying it over and over again but I always forget like what it is no I was diagnosed when I was 22 years old but I had had certain events that had happened from the age of 5 9 11 15 20 like all these different sequence of events happened where they were signs of being bipolar when I was a kid like I would bang my head against the wall for no reason I couldn't cross the threshold I was suicidal like these were all things that were signs of me being either on the wrong medication which I was I was on antidepressants which is the worst thing to do if you're bipolar and that made my highs highs and my lows lower so it took me until I was 22 and an acupuncturist was the one that asked if I was bipolar if anyone ever told me that and then I went to the psychiatrist a new one I was like what do you think she's like yeah absolutely no whatever told you this and what's really kind of funny about it is I was talking to Dave and Hagerty who which we discussed we met at the Kindred event he is a neuroscientist and he is bipolar 2 and bipolar number two and yeah he told me that bipolar disorder is the last thing to be on a checklist like from a from a doctor checked off and so yeah it takes people an average of three years to be properly diagnosed bipolar they go through everything else first no kidding yeah so it's a very tricky mental illness because it's very hard to pinpoint well right that does make it tricky and you need him to be very patient a lot of people even with depression or anxiety disorders it's trial and error sometimes with medications and finding the right doctor and finding the right therapist that you connect with it's so when people say you know I always take this with a different approach when people say physical health is mental health or just important as mental health or you know I say yes and no because we treat physical illness in a very linear way broken leg we know exactly what to do right mental health like treatment is so different and so complex and these things that's the scariest is David goes we don't really know a lot about the brain I'm like what yeah yeah I'm like you're a scientist he's like yeah I know I'm like oh my god right oh I'm so glad he admits that which is a beautiful thing to admit actually for a scientist yeah because they're like oh I get to go to work tomorrow like figures and stuff out when we met at the for everyone listening we met at a conference called kindred where it was a bunch of influencers and it was specifically about mental health it was called mind matters and that's where Alessandra and I met along with some other great human beings what was that conference like for you because I saw an Instagram and everyone Alessandra's links are on the bio I saw an Instagram IGTV or Instagram post that you did saying that was like one of the first times that you opened up with your story yeah like meeting all these people and you were very open about it when I met you for the first time we kicked it off right away and started talking mental health and you said that conference meant a lot to you why did that mean so much meeting these people and being open like that well I had just started talking on my IGTV about mental health and my struggle with it's not a struggle but me living with bipolar disorder and yeah so anyways I'm like I don't know why I didn't say it's a struggle it is a struggle but it's something that I'm born with and if you're born with something I feel like yes it's hard but you just got to accept it and make light of it that's what I want to push forward but I yeah I was so nervous I got a phone call from someone that I went to high school with Justin Markell shout out to Justin at Kindred and he had messaged me and said I know that you been talking about your mental health like there is this event that I'm throwing it's a conference for the Kindred Foundation Foundation I could be on Kindred organization something sure sure and we're asking 50 content creator influencers who are big in the mental health world from all over the world to come together and discuss and I was so confused like why would I be asked I thought I just started talking about this and my boyfriend was kind of like if this isn't a sign from the universe saying to you see the little positive like see the little bit that you put out and you open up about yourself and you're already getting positive reinforcement that people want you to continue sharing the story so I was very nervous when I went there I did I did a FaceTime call with my mom as I was walking up to the conference for that first cocktail party and I was like crying and I was like mom I don't want to do this I'm so nervous I don't know these people I have no reason to be here I'm sick and you were one of the first people I met you and Matthew was so exciting yes right and and I had never felt such a sense of community and trust in a group of people that fast in my entire life I don't think I ever will either and I don't know how you feel about this but I had never been in a room with such a big group of people who all shared very similar experiences for me and we're willing and open to talk about it and didn't judge me didn't make me feel strange about it I didn't even have to say a lot of things to the people who were bipolar because we had the same experiences and that was the first time that I was literally sharing my story like it was me going you know to the supermarket to get eds you did seem so comfortable with it like I don't know if that's a yeah that's got to be a compliment like it's like you you had done it before it was like I think it was because it was such a comfortable environment right you seemed right at home well and I usually wouldn't be that like outgoing in in my story but I think that I knew what I was getting into and the second I met just a few of you and I realized oh everyone has something and that is why we are all here and every one of us wants to share that so there is not one person that's gonna be judgmental or make me feel stupid oh that's great yeah very open and comforting space it felt like a family yeah it was a weird feeling because I didn't know any of you guys no you're right it was a weird feeling especially you know how it I knew that it meant a lot and we really made some headway there is at the end I was sad I wasn't depressed at the end I was sad Scott am I gonna blow your mind right now blow my mind okay so that week the week after Kindred or that weekend because we finished on like a Wednesday or a Thursday that weekend I tried to break out with my boyfriend of four years for no reason for no reason I was angry with my family I wasn't talking to my friends I was like miserable inside and I had no idea why and then I had got on the phone with Lars one of the other girls that I met at the conference a week later and she said oh have you talked to this person have you talked to that person if you touch it this person and I said no why and she goes oh we just all have really rough times and I go what do you mean I've never been more depressed in years like I've never felt this way before I've never been angry I've never broken up with my boyfriend for no reason like what's wrong and she goes every single one of us had to either take a break from work had to go away for the weekend and like go like on a spiritual journey for the weekend and when I talked to David about it Dave it's like I could have told you all that that would have happened and I said why and he said because all of our serotonin was going really high because we were finally surrounded by people that understood us and we had never been around that kind of energy before all in one place for you know three days straight all the time non-stop and then when you take someone away from that their serotonin crashes and then they feel like the utmost depression and like no one understands them in the world whoa yeah and without even scanning a brain that makes perfect sense to me yeah that makes perfect sense I I'm glad that you brought that up I didn't know anyone was going through that every single one of us every time I talk to people they're like oh no no no like we have never felt so awful before and like no one understood us and we just hated and it's weird because Lars and I were talking it's like you can kind of see what it would be like to be in a cult in a sense where yes both that all were like you that were on the same wavelength and energy as you you want to be with them all the time and like that's how we felt like I didn't want to leave Kendra I wanted to keep going because I felt like I found even though I love my friends and family it kind of felt like I found my alien tribe from a different dimension and like I was home yeah and home so this proves a beautiful point this book I'm reading called Lost Connection I'd recommend it to everyone in the world it's called Lost Connection by Johan Hari and it's about basically connection is one form of antidepressant so you feel like we felt it there like when you find community when you find people that understand you that get you and build solid relationships that is automatically a serotonin booster when you're in that space and you know he has my back he or she loves me I love them they need me right I need them that reciprocal relationship it's such a beautiful thing yeah and it has great it does and we were we definitely experienced that at the conference now what's really cool is that since it was a while ago you've done something on your own since that conference in in the mental health realm tell us about emotional support wait first have you told the story of you being part of a baptism because I don't know if you listen to my episode with Bryant Wood but he gives you a shout out about how you perform a baptism on our all mutual friend now Frank yes oh my gosh shout out to both Frank and Bryant Wood oh my gosh they both have to come on the podcast we should do a four-way we should I will fly to LA but that that you could save that story for another time but just so everyone knows in your audience that you never knew that Scott could perform baptism neither did Scott but yes so when I left Kindred I had always had an idea before actually before I went to Kindred I had always had an idea of doing a television show that would be some sort of a talk show and it would start off on YouTube or something like that I never knew how I was gonna do it because I never understood the YouTube world and it felt so overwhelming and complicated and I always want to yeah oh there you go and I wanted to do a podcast but I didn't know how to find a producer or do any of these things but I have this whole brand and idea of what I wanted my show to be and I thought you know what I'm gonna go into Kindred I'm gonna tap the idea to people and like see what they think of this this podcast idea I talked about it and see where it goes from there and when I left there well actually one of the guys had I talked to David and I Iran Iran Iran yes yeah that's right oh what a cool guy what a cool guy he had made a comment when we were at dinner and he was like you and David are really funny you guys should do a podcast I'm like well yeah I want to do one and he's like why don't we see if we if we call you guys should call it beauty in the brain and I was like that's so funny and so weird because that's just gonna work so we ended up actually doing that but to go back still we I came home I had talked to a few people about this idea I was running it by people there were some people that didn't agree with the way that I wanted it to go there were some people that did agree with the way that I saw it and I felt very strong about my vision for the show and what I wanted and how I wanted it to be done and I didn't care how or what I had to do to get there because I had a voice and this is my story and it's not just a podcast it's not just a show it's like I am telling you every single thing that I have inside of me you know it is like no hold far yeah so yeah so I decided to reach out on Instagram and a Facebook to some friends about producing and studio space and an old friend of mine who was a first assistant director on a movie that I did was like I actually have a studio space why don't you come and use it shout out to Isaac Hecker now he's my producer and I have a studio and it's like super professional it's so bizarre like how did this happen and I kind of just wrote a bunch of my friends who live in LA and asked for the favors that I have been keeping in my back pocket for some smart move and I asked some the kindred people here in LA if they would come and every single person that I asked said absolutely without a question and I was like this is insane to me that I don't even know these people that well but they are doing this for me that a lot of people weren't doing so that was it just like proved how much everyone at kindred really wants to change the world and like anything they can do to do a little bit is gonna help so yeah so it's called emotional support because everyone calls me Al so I'm actually randomly yeah yeah I never I never have this this is my one shirt but I actually hit this on I love that I love it so yeah so each week we are releasing an episode with friends and celebrity guests where we sit down and we talk about mental health and we discuss my bipolar disorder and if we're super close friends like how did they discover it with me what do they do a lot of people reveal things that I didn't even know about them that is the first time they are revealing mental health issues about themselves which is kind of mind-blowing yeah and they didn't know they were gonna do that walking into the studio so that's pretty unbelievable basically it's a safe space where you know I have friends that have been on Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon and all these big things but they've never had a platform or ever gotten deep into speaking about mental health and issues right and this is kind of that place and then we also have awesome Facebook group that just started called it's the emotional support group and it's all the people that listen to the show and other people and everyone's on there and they are posting on their own and communicating from all over the world and chiming in with questions and sending each other videos and I'm just trying to create a safe space where there's no judgment there's no stigma we can be dirty we can be funny we can be loud and there's no one telling us no so that's that wow and was this was this because what did did kindred that conference did that spark something within you to start something in mental health totally it literally is because of kindred that the show finally came to fruition because I met people like you who I saw were you know doing what you love to do and your truth and speaking that and sharing it and you know I love what you do by going to the schools like I would love to do that I would love for you to come to LA one time or me come to Toronto meet up and and go with you to one of these things because I think it's so important to talk to children especially I think that's the most important yeah but yeah I mean I always wanted to do this but seeing how not that it was easy but seeing that if you really put your mind to it and you have a community behind you that's supporting you and that will help you along that way and I never had that mental health support of a community I've always had friends and family but I never had people that knew what I went through and were pushing their their voice out I never knew you could do that and so I felt safe like if this fails it's okay because at least I had people that have my back oh that's a beautiful feeling too if I fall here's the safety net and I won't fall a hundred feet yeah kindred was my safety net oh and and how humbling has it been meaningful empowering to know that you put this content out there you spoke from experience and now you're having people share their stories what does that feel like for you it feels like the best happy cry you could ever have in your life really I cry every single episode even though I'm like swearing and out I'm always crying about something because I can't even believe like how as silly as it is how blessed I am that I have people that are willing to share their stories and giving me the confidence to continue on sharing more of my story you know each episode I feel you you can tell not only are my guests opening up but I share a different story every single time and I'm opening up more about myself and feeling more comfortable and I'm sure that you can relate to this that there's something about being on a microphone and having your headphones in where it makes you feel safe and protected and that when you are speaking out you're not worried about what other people are gonna hear it's just you you being you know fluid with your voice and just speaking out to the world and not really caring what people will think yeah and it's I think it's so helpful you know your proof of this then if you take that step and you share what you've been through in your story and you're literally if not anything else giving people permission to do the same so when you're on these talks and they're vulnerable I think it's also because you have a very comforting presence if I may say so but do you know what I mean like it does you know you put them in a room with someone cold no matter if you got the headphones in Mike they might not open up but since you have since you're listening to them since you're a caring person I think it makes it that much easier right so good on you for that now now here's the final question for you okay favorite meal no no we'll do that one actually but actually let's do that one right now of course noodles with butter well if okay so on a heavier note now if someone's listening right now who is going through a hard time okay whether it be life circumstance they just maybe they don't know what's wrong and they're down in the dumps to speak very well they feel like shit to speak playing what would you like to tell them I'd like to tell them that I had been there probably a week ago that that happens about once a week to me that it is so normal to feel down on yourself and to feel just like you said plainly feeling shit that is so normal that's something I go through literally once a week I mean I can't even express it enough and sometimes it's lasted you know weeks on end sometimes it's hours on end sometimes it stays on in like it doesn't really matter it always happens to you and it inevitably will never not happen to you for the rest of your life you are gonna have a moment where you feel and shit and like as long as you can accept that and you can be honest with it and and say it's all right that I feel this way because this feeling will pass and I know that it feels like it never will pass and that this is the ending you get in a downward spiral but like you can't let your mind play a trick on you because even if you're having the best day of your life your brain loves to be like a little leprechaun play tricks on you and tell you and convince you that everything is terrible but it's just trickery up the brain and like you are okay and you are gonna get through it and you know and if you are feeling so terrible and you don't have friends and you don't have family and you don't feel you have a support there are I'm sure as well on your website on mine as well I have all the crisis text hotlines I have all these different companies that are here for people to respond to you like to respond they're waiting they're waiting for you they're waiting they're excited to talk like don't feel like you've given up by reaching out to these people because even someone who is very open and honest about it like I am sometimes I need a complete stranger to listen to me in order for me to feel like I'm gonna be okay because sometimes it feels like lies when your friends and family tell you it's gonna be okay so you know just know it doesn't matter who you are there's gonna be one time in the rest of your life that something will feel like it's the end of the world but it's not and just hold out there and reach out for the help and just know that you're not alone and this is me I'm Alessandra Torisani I have problems I feel like shit all the time and it's okay like it's cool that's beautiful Alessandra and I'm gonna leave it at that everyone check out emotional support Google it check out iTunes check out the Facebook group for an amazing community full of people all over the world where you can have that incredible connection and chat and share with everyone Alessandra thank you so much for coming on the depression expression podcast when am I when am I coming to LA or when are you coming to Toronto well you need to come to LA like ASAP I know in the winter I'll come out here I know I know you need to come out here and then you could do like the Scott like depression to expression world tour the LA tour every school 10 schools a day at least 10 schools in general ease okay I'm gonna look into that I'm gonna I guarantee you'd have a whole clan of us hanging out with you oh my god the whole time that would be so good I'm actually so excited for the next conference I can't wait that's I know that's gonna be I think I'll get there I'm getting there a week early I'll do that come to LA before I really I think I will I really think I will do it yeah or it's um yeah LA because it's in San Diego yeah we'll chill in LA and then we'll take a fun carpool clown car and fit us all in the train the train yeah oh my gosh I can't wait Alessandra thank you so much everyone stay strong keep being you and don't forget to express yourself yeah