 Well, hello, and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Astley of johnthastley.com, and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the three clear science he doesn't like or even want you anymore. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the Subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that Like button so I could be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love, and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions. By no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. But once again, all I ask is you give me a chance. All right, let's talk about those three clear signs. He doesn't like you or even want to be with you anymore. You know, let's face it, it can really suck when you invest time with someone to only have them decide that they don't want to be with you. I can wear on us our hearts emotionally and it can be very frustrating. So, and whether you're a man or a woman, this happens to both genders. This isn't singular to men, what I'm about to share today because women do the same things as well. And this can be very frustrating. I think one of the differences though with men is they oftentimes don't talk about serious relationships in the early phases of dating because A, they don't want to make a promise they can't keep. I'm gonna repeat that. They don't want to make a promise they can't keep or they have no real plan of how to make a relationship work. They have really no desire to be in a fully committed relationship. And this can be very confusing because dating today is more about connecting with people and a lack of intentionality. I'm gonna repeat that. Connecting with people and yet a lack of intentionality. What I mean by intentionality and I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately. Now, I've never been a big fan of the term courting used today because courting in the past was, I said I wasn't a fan. I just wanted you to know I'm gonna be switching my tune here in a moment. Courting in the past represented some intentionality. A boy liked a girl, a man liked a woman and there was true intention to pursue a long-term relationship with this person most likely to get married. Now the challenge with the past was courting was really based on the notion if two people wanted to get laid, they had to get married. So you had to be relatively intentional. In fact, you had to make practically the ultimate commitment just to get laid. Now I know that sounds kind of crass to get laid but the reality is that's the way it used to be. What I do appreciate about courting was the intentionality and today dating lacks intentionality. What I mean by intentionality is what are your intentions? Why are we doing this? Why are we spending time getting to know each other? And quite frankly, most people don't know the why. I think it's sadly from a male perspective is because men tend to operate. I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. So in other words, they don't really know what they want. They just think if they see it then they'll know what they want. I think women operate this way as well a little bit but from the most part I'm gonna give you a different narrative to chew on for a second. How about when I believe it, I will see it. When I believe it, I will see it. When I believe it, I'll see it. And what I mean to say is when there is intentionality when you do know you want a fully committed relationship it's easier to sift through the needles in the haystack. And this is one of the challenges with dating today is that there's a lack of intentionality and there really isn't any courting. Now part of the problem is this and ladies I know you I'm sorry to say this in the way I'm saying this because this may come across as I'm being harsh but many of you operate from a fantasy perspective or relationships and many of you are operating from an entitled princess energy expectation or relationships or worse many of you are operating from the premise that the men are the leaders of the relationship so you give your power away to a man. And I'm here to say you're in charge of your relationship destiny. This is not a dating is not an entitled privilege where men just take you out and wine and dine you and romance you and they're doing all the heavy lifting and you have no participation other than just showing up in your feminine energy because that's all you need to do is showing up in your feminine. That rhetoric is garbage. I'm sorry, it's garbage. If you really want to build partnership with someone that it requires making mutual effort. I always talk about looking at this like two cars driving down the street at the same speed instead of one car towing the other as an expectant and I'm talking about the beginning stages of dating. And another thing is many of you women don't do a really good job of pre-qualifying your prospects because you're giving the job to the man to be the leader of the relationship. And let me tell you, I recently had a conversation with a woman who has gone on I believe nine or 10 dates with a man after about the fourth or fifth time together they had sex together and all their additional dates were really just hooking up and having sex. And then she finally had a conversation is what are you looking for in the terms of a relationship? And he goes, I'm just looking for something casual. I'm not looking for anything serious. She waited till 10 dates. I mean, she waited till she got fully invested with the guy to finally find out where he stands in this process. That's not hit and then she goes on to tell me how he loved Bomber and he did all this. No, she was the being passive is not an excuse to blame the men for their behavior. And let me just say this, ladies, if you go on any men's forums and read the complaints they have about women, I mean, it is exhausting listening to men and women vomit their complaints over the opposite sex. And it's just riddled with victim consciousness. This is why I don't validate bad behavior, unconscious behavior or passive behavior. Let me repeat that. I don't validate bad behavior, unconscious behavior or passive behavior. And when you're expecting the man to lead the process, then you're being a passive participant, okay? I'm yelling only because I'm trying to get this across in such a way that maybe it shakes a few of you up to look at this process from a different perspective because the last thing I want you to experience is a man not liking you or not even wanting to be with you. And so one of the challenges is, is most men and women don't understand the mechanics of a relationship because they hyper focus on chemistry as the indicator of relationship success. And if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, I'm gonna put it up on the screen. This is an iceberg. You can see above the waterline is the word attraction. And you can see the tip of the iceberg is chemistry. But do you see below the waterline, it says compatibility, shared values, blendable lifestyles and more importantly, emotional maturity. You cannot figure out if a person is emotionally mature on one, two or three dates. This is why ladies, I continually recommend if, and it's mostly because women bond with men through sex. The minute you have sex with a guy, you'll have feelings for them. So if you wanna shift that narrative right from the get go, then it starts by asking better questions. And if you know my rhetoric, you know before the penis goes inside the vagina, you should be purchasing two copies of the book, eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. This book is filled with great questions to ask one another to determine if you're a fit with one another. I wanna share with you a personal story really quickly because this happened a little while ago where I swiped someone on a dating app and we connected with each other. And when we got on the phone, we had the same, like we were into the same books, we were into the same spirituality, personal development. I said, hey, can I ask you some more questions to see if we're on the same page? Because I was very upfront. I'm looking for a serious fully committed relationship that leads to moving in together or getting married. That's what I'm looking for. So can I ask you some questions to see if we're a fit? And she said, sure. And we ended up going back and forth. You know, I asked her some questions. She asked me some questions. Next thing you know, it was a three hour conversation. And for the most part, except for a couple of yellow flags, I was very interested in meeting this person. Well, guess what happened next? We planned to date for a week later and I sent her a text message the following morning saying, hey, I really enjoyed our chat. She wrote me back, said the same thing. And guess what she did 20 minutes later? She texted me, can you talk on the phone? I said, sure. And we got on the phone and she said, Jonathan, I think you're a really great guy. And I'm so, I really respect that you know what you want. You're very clear with what you want. And I realized after our conversation last night, I'm actually not ready for a relationship. I'm going through getting my masters right now. I'm doing double duty at work. I've got a lot of activity going on. And given what you shared, you're looking for a relationship. I don't think I can fit into that type of lifestyle. And quite frankly, I don't think I'm ready for that much emotional responsibility in a relationship. And while I was a little taken aback, I was so grateful. Actually, it's interesting. My intuition knew this when, when I was asking these questions because I've been doing this for a living for so long. By the way, if you need some help asking questions, schedule a free to check out the link below to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Because while I was a little bit disappointed, I am so grateful because I dodged a bullet. Had I not been upfront and just simply had one of those five minute phone calls scheduled to date, I would have met her. There might have been some attraction. We would have started dating only to find that she would have pulled away because she clearly isn't ready. And that's what I'm inviting you to do. Now, some might say, oh, I overwhelmed her. Folks, if being my inquisitive, curious, openhearted, vulnerable, authentic, transparent self is overwhelming for someone. And what I'm saying is you being your vulnerable, authentic, transparent self is a turnoff for someone. It's only turnoff for the wrong guy. Just like when I wrote my book, what the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? Chapter one, speak your truth. Do it with kindness. I was very kind and loving in the way I was communicating. And it wasn't an interrogation. It was a friendly conversation. Because chapter nine in my book is it says if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my book. And quite frankly, she was very authentic to tell me that she had some serious childhood trauma that she was working through that made her very fearful of a relationship as well. And she said that earlier in the conversation. So I kind of picked up on that sense of fear she was feeling. And by the way, people's past experiences in relationship, the way they've dated in the past gives you a lot of clues of how they're gonna operate from the future. And many of you ladies listen to someone share their past thinking, well, I'm not their past. So I can't be their few. So I'm not gonna be as bad as someone they've had in the past. But they're queuing it up for telling, if they've had dysfunctionality in their past dating experiences or relationships, then the question is, how did they heal from that? How did they improve upon themselves? It's time not to be passive anymore because here's what happens. You start dating someone, you have sex and then the man starts to back away. Now part of the reason why this happens is the reason why it's called chemistry is brain chemicals being released, chemicals being released into our brain makes us feel like there's dopamine, there's testosterone, there's estrogen, there's oxytocin, makes us feel like we're in love with someone. And that lust bug can be intense. And the more intense the chemistry, the more we wanna have sex with you. So what happens is the minute we satisfy that sexual experience, all the chemicals are gone. They literally disappear. And if they haven't, if you haven't established the deep roots of trust and you haven't spent about a hundred hours of face to face time, then there's a good chance that he might do this dysfunctional moonwalk that I'm sharing with you today, these three clear signs that he's not, he doesn't like you. And it's not that he doesn't like you. It's that he's completely unaware that when the chemistry dissipates, he doesn't understand why he doesn't like you anymore. And what a lot of men do is they get, internally they get so freaked out that the reason why they go disappear, go silent is because they don't understand why they don't like you anymore. And it's not intentional and it's not malicious and sadly many of you ladies are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness. He took advantage of me. He was using me, he was love bombing me. All of that is victim consciousness and all that's gonna do is perpetuate this problem over and over and over again. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, so what are those three clear signs that he doesn't like you or he's gonna pull away or he's not in you anymore? Again, this is usually for those that have had sex maybe once or twice, not in a full, this, you know, a more seasoned relationship, something that's been going on for six months to a year. Usually when men pull away is that there's some, there is some friction in your relationship that exists, some incompatibility, lack of shared values, maybe a lack of emotional maturity between the two of you. And people are, these days it's easier to run away than to work through problems. I'm gonna repeat, that's easier to run away than to work through problems. So let me put on my trusty glasses, put up my notes, the three clear signs, and again, this is what I also call the dysfunctional moonwalk, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, dysfunctional moonwalk. Number one, his communication between your dates becomes random, scattered, or aloof. Let me repeat that, the communication in between becomes scattered, random, or aloof. Now you, the minute you start to sense this, you know something is up. You can feel it in your bones. Your intuition is telling you something. And sadly, a lot of women go, what did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? Well, the only thing you really did wrong is you didn't ask better questions in the beginning. We'll get to that in a second. Number two, he starts to complain about his life circumstances. He starts to complain about his life circumstances. That's setting you up for the breakup. He starts complaining about his work. He starts to complain about his family. He starts to complain about maybe his children, maybe his health. He's setting it up. He sets up the chaos to give himself a reason to break up with you saying, it's the chaos going on in my life, okay? Now that chaos might've been there right from the get-go. This is why it requires asking better questions right from the beginning, rather than being passively waiting because the man is supposed to claim me as I'm sitting in my feminine. By the way, I crack myself up. And lastly, number three, he prefers to spend time with his friends, his family, or work versus making time for you. And you know when you start to feel the first and the second one, the first and the second one, you know something is up. And that's time to have a serious conversation. And sometimes, listen, you can lean back in your feminine and praying that he'll come claim you because you have this idea that space creates missing. Listen, space doesn't create missing someone. All it does is create anxiety. And oftentimes when someone comes back after you've had space with each other, it's for the wrong reasons. True relationships are built on appreciation for one another, true appreciation and gratitude for one another. True, a relation, well, think about this. The bottom line about a relationship is trust. Trusting that this person has my best interest at hearts. Think about that. This person has my best interest at hearts, just as if you had their best interests in hearts, they should have your best interests in hearts. That's when you should really decide to bond with someone. Now, I know it's really tricky because the dating process these days is we're meeting total strangers. We're meeting total strangers. We don't know their family. We don't know their friends. Unlike the past, there isn't this stability that existed in the past, which makes it difficult to really get to know someone. This is why if you're not familiar with the book Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell, I highly recommend checking this out because folks, when you're meeting a stranger and you don't know anything about them, it requires even more and more due diligence. But Jonathan, if I ask questions, he's gonna get turned off. Yes, he's gonna get overwhelmed and turned off. The wrong guy gets overwhelmed and turned off. If a guy is remotely physically attracted to you other than just wanting to fuck you, then he's gonna want to invest in you. Remember I talked before about the book Eight Dates? I gotta tell you, I'm getting email after email from women telling me, sharing with me, that they purchased this book. They're reading it with the guy they're dating and it is building deeper intimacy between the two of them. Did you hear that deeper intimacy? Into me you see, this is what's lacking. That intentionality to actually want to get to know someone at a heart-centered level instead of this level. I'm sorry, that was crass, but I mean, it's time to get real here. And ladies, this whole notion that men love bomb, yes, when we're horny, we wanna fuck and we'll say whatever it takes to make that happen. You don't need to put a term there. You already know this about men. This is why there's an old saying, men are the gas and women are the brakes. It's your job to set the pace of the relationship and not leave it up to the guy. Because you are in charge of your relationship, Destiny, and yet sadly, many of you are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me to feel good about myself. And I'm here to suggest a new book I invite you all to check out is Grounded Spirituality by Jeff Brown. And by the way, purchase the book and buy the audio and read it and listen to it at the same time because it's time to shore up that part of you that doesn't give your power away to a man. When I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, it's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So you can actually operate from your best self, if you're not familiar with the book, the four agreements, the four agreements, this is all about operating at your best self because when you operate at your best self, then you'll be able to weed out the wrong guy so much quicker, so much quicker because your intuition will be firing. And again, if you need some support with that, check out the link to a discovery call with me because my area of expertise is teaching you how to ask the right questions, right from the get go based on your personality. And that's what I help you work on. So you can pre-qualify your prospects so you don't invest in the guy who's going to make time for his friends, his family, his work over you, the guy who's gonna complain about his life instead of invite you into his life. And what was the other one? The guy that's just gonna stop communicating because the guy who wants to be in a relationship with you can't wait to tell you how his day is and he wants to hear about your day as well. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating finesse? Give me an A and N. All right, I think that covers the three clear signs he doesn't like you or even want you. Again, I'm sorry to say it, but this is the reality as I see it. All right, it's time for our Q and A. So if you're listening, if you're on the live stream right now, there's a chat box along the side. You can post a question to me, write the word question and then post the question there after or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super, and there's a little dollar sign there. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's him with his mom right there. This was when we were all together as a family before he passed away. Oh God, it's going on three and a half years ago now. And in his honor, I've started a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development for those seeking personal development help as well as donating cherries like the Hoffman Process Insight. These are great institutions to help you work on your childhood wounds and traumas and your limiting beliefs and your negative patterns. So again, purchase that Super Sticker with the little dollar sign. If you're listening to the audio recording, you won't be able to see any of this. All right, it's time for questions. What do we have here? Let's start with Ann. Question. Hi, Jonathan. What is your opinion on speed dating events? What would you ask in those eight minutes? Great question. So I've gone to a number of speed dating events and it is quite exhausting, quite frankly. And usually you're just going from one person to the next. I mean, it's all about am I attracted to this? Am I physically attracted to this person? It's the SNP test. It's the SNP test. So when you find someone you're attracted to and you sense they're attracted to you, most speed dating events have a questionnaire that they've created to help create some conversation. So most speed dating events have that. What I like to ask is, I like to ask childhood questions. Like where did you grow up? What was it like growing up there? And you can certainly ask things like, what are the things you like to do? Do you like to hike? Do you like to play gin rummy? Do you like to go stand up paddle boarding? What are the activities you like to do? Those are good questions. Since it's geographically maybe in a place where you both live, you might ask about favorite restaurants and why you like that favorite, why you like that. By the way, think about that. Asking about what's your favorite restaurant? And then coming back and saying, why do you like that restaurant? I love the question, why? Because it goes deeper. It's like peeling the onion. It goes deeper. Why do you like that restaurant? And I'm thinking of Spartina in West Hollywood. I love it because their setting is great. I love it because the food is great. The service is spectacular. The people that work there are so kind, loving, generous. It's one of my favorite places to go when I visit my friends that live out in their area. My favorite place to go for breakfast every Sunday is with my son. And I share this with you because it's starting to share it as a story so you can feel a sense of bonding with the person. So I know you only have eight minutes, but you might wanna ask some of those questions. What activities, what restaurants? You could throw in how fucked up are you and have you done personal development work. That might be a little too much for a speed dating event. But I love this question, and thank you so much. And I hope that helps. Thanks so much. All right, I wanna thank Julie for the Super Sticker. Thank you so much. I wanna thank Little Miss Sunshine for the Super Sticker as well. Thank you so much. Oh, let's see what we got here. All right, Becca, question. How do you know if you're dating an avoidant? How to tell he's lost interest, okay? Great question. How do you tell you're dating avoidant? You know, one of the things about an avoidant, I would try to find out as much of his past relationship history as possible. Usually the signs are there when you get a sense about their past relationship history. Now, sadly, most people, when they talk about their past relationships, they throw their previous partner under the bus. They literally throw them the under the bus, whether it's a man or woman. So they're starting off from a place of victim consciousness and a lack of taking personal responsibility for choices. Now, avoidants tend to be, can be serial monogamous. So they go from one to the next to the next. Sometimes men are honest enough to say that their partner didn't like them for some reason. So that's a good thing. But finding out if someone's an avoidant is a difficult thing to find out in the early stages. Because the reality is, is we're amped up on chemicals you know, most of the time. So we're blinded to what's going on. I think the best thing to do is to get really radically honest. They call it hardballing these days. Get radically honest in saying, what are you looking for in a relationship? What does commitment look like for you? And what do you need from commitment and a relationship? What do you need from it? Because the more in depth they share, then there's a better chance that they might be a fit for you. If they get closed off with the tough questions, that's the way an avoidant operates. An anxious operates, they just dive right in. They want you, they want you. I mean, outside of the love bombing piece, but an avoidant usually also avoids the tough questions. And what was the second part to your question? And how do you tell he's lost interest? Usually, by the way, the most common way to tell a man's lost interest is his communication starts to become random, scattered, and aloof. And he then starts to spend more time with his family, his friends, and his work. He doesn't make time for you. That's the most common way to determine they've lost interest. So, Becca, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, I wanna thank Ms. Sunshine. She said, I had a narcissist boyfriend. I left him. Can I give him one more chance? By the way, folks, you can give anyone a chance, but why? If you left someone, there was a reason for it. If you believe he's narcissistic, why do you wanna give him a chance? It's because you're fucking hooked on, you're hooked, you're hooked, you're hooked on the chemicals and the chemistry and the fantasy. By the way, most women who engage with narcissists is because the narcissist sells the fantasy and then you get hooked on the fantasy, most likely, or you're hooked on the oxytocin chemicals. There was a reason why you ended the relationship with them. So why do you wanna go back? It's because you're hooked. This is why I highly recommend reading two books attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. Why I'm recommending these two books. This is to understand your patterning, why you might be choosing men like that, and this is to understand love attachment style because you're attached to someone for the unhealthy reasons, not the healthy reasons. And folks, listen, you can be the victim, they did it to me, they did it to me, or you can be an empowered in your life. Sadly, most people get that more satisfaction out of being a victim because you'll be validated by all your friends. All your friends will be so sorry for you. Oh my God, I can't believe he did that. What a jerk, what an asshole. And that makes you feel good because you're blaming the guy instead of, and by the way, a little Ms. Sunshine, I'm not suggesting this without you, but you're blaming the guy instead of taking ownership. By the way, men do this shit too. This narrative, especially here in the United States, is so much victim consciousness. It's always blaming someone else instead of taking ownership. How did you participate, whether it was the failure of this relationship or how did you participate by getting sucked in? Folks, I'm here to offer a different narrative with dating. And that is, it's time to fucking wake up human beings and be intentional. Ladies, this passive way of dating is going to cause more anguish. And listen, a lot of women reach out to me, Jonathan, why can't you talk to men? Why can't you coach men? Why can't I coach men? Because men wanna be coached on how to meet women. Men don't wanna be coached on how to be in relationship because that's your job to lead by example by setting good standards and setting good boundaries for yourself. I mean, not setting standards, expressing your standard and setting boundaries. But Jonathan, if I do that, he'll leave me. Oh my God. Folks, it's time to grow up this passive childlike fantasy way of dating. And believe me, I'm guilty of this. I am so fucking guilty of this. I wanna suggest a book you might wanna read. It's called Mating Incaptivity by Esther Perrell. Mating Incaptivity by Esther Perrell. One of the fundamental principles she talks about is something called stable ambiguity. Stable ambiguity. And what she talks about, and this you can check out her blog on this, just type in stable ambiguity, Esther Perrell, is that the relationship is stable, meaning there's basically some monogamy and it's some exclusivity. And it's ambiguous to where this fucking relationship is going. Ladies, it's amazing. You know how many women will have sex with a guy, but you don't know what his favorite color is? Do you know how many women will have sex with a guy, but know little about him and they know little or nothing about you? I mean, think about that. We'll have physical intimacy, which is probably the most, think about this. Inner course is one of the most intimate things we can do on the planet. And yet you don't know the guy's favorite color or he doesn't know yours. I mean, I'm picking on something, but he doesn't even know your birthday. Some men don't even know your last name. By the way, most of the last names in my phone are bumble, hinge, okaycupidmatch.com. I sometimes don't know a woman's last name because I set it up, but the dating site I met them on. Ba da bum bum. Anyway, coming back to what you shared. I can't, I don't know where I went off on this tangent, but anyway, I think you get the gist of where I was going. So thank you so much. All right, what else do we have here? All right, Jane writes, question. I met a guy Saturday night and asked him straight up if he was attracted to me. He said nothing. Was that too bold? I think he was shocked. You know, I, you know what? I'm gonna tell you a quick story. I was, I met a woman online. We just had a coffee date once and she was, we, we didn't date, but we had an interesting conversation and she was telling me how she went out with a man and she was pretty tall. She was five foot eight, very athletic. And she met a man who was a little bit shorter, balding, a little bit pudgy. And within five minutes, he said, you know, is there any chemistry between us? And she was very frank and said, no, I'm not feeling chemistry between us. And he goes, you know, I got that sense from you, but I wanted to check in with you. I got that sense from you, but I wanted to check in with you. Okay, well, in that case, you know, since there's probably not gonna be a relationship happening here, let's just talk and get to know one another and hang out, you know, kind of thing. In other words, they cut to the chase right from the beginning. I think, you know, all right, let me rewind for a second. I'll never forget my favorite first date ever. This was right after my divorce. I was a train wreck. I was such a dysfunctional mess after my divorce. I wasn't capable of being in a relationship, but I so desperately wanted connection and wanted sex. So I met a woman and I'll never forget the first thing she said to me. I mean, she, her first words out of her, wow, wow, you are so much better looking than your pictures. You know, and I mean, like, you know, my heart dropped, okay? And that was a great way to set up that she was attracted to me. And interestingly enough, we began dating. And on our third date, she said, Jonathan, I have to date you with rose-colored glasses. I have to date you with rose-colored glasses. I said, why is that? She goes, you're a mess. I mean, your life is in chaos. I mean, you are not ready for a relationship. I kept saying, I'm ready for a relationship. I'm ready for a relationship. I'm ready for a relationship. She said, no, you're not. And in fact, everyone hold on one second. Hold on one second. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. We dated for about three months and during that time was Christmas time. So she gave me a box picture frame, if you can see this, with rose-colored glasses. By the way, this was 17, 16 years ago, she gave me this. And the reason why she gave, she said she has to date me with rose-colored glasses because she knew I was a mess and she knew I wasn't ready for a relationship. So she said, she's wearing the rose-colored glasses and she gave me this gift for Christmas. Sure enough, three months in I realized, and I kept saying, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. And I hit my emotional wall and I couldn't go any further because my life was a fucking train wreck. She was intuitive enough to recognize this. And when we ended our relationship, we ended very much as friends. In fact, about a year after we ended our relationship, we met a great guy and got married. In fact, why is it every woman who dates me meets great guys and gets married after me? Do I have that good luck charm going on for me? I don't know. But anyway, my point in sharing this story, yes, ask those questions. If he feels uncomfortable, it's probably because he doesn't wanna answer, but then that gives you the answer right then and there. Here's the thing. These days, unfortunately, if there isn't amazing chemistry right from the get-go, things aren't gonna take off because unlike the past when we used to, like let me think about my, I was thinking about my son for a moment who when he was college, he had a girlfriend. Now they had debate class together. They had debate together. They had a couple of class together. They knew each other for months before they ever went on a first date. So he felt a sense of comfortableness with her. They had mutual friends. They didn't date first. They got to know each other first. Wait a minute. What did you just say, Jonathan? They didn't date first. They got to know each other first. The problem with the dating rhetoric is so based on expectation that women are romanced. That women are romanced because men recognize that romance gets them laid. Instead of genuinely get to know someone, this is why I repeatedly suggest reading the book if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated because it throws out the bullshit gender rhetoric that causes so much angst because it's because of the gender expectations that people aren't actually getting to know each other at a heart-centered friendship level. So I'm here to offer up some alternatives ways of looking at this. Instead of the traditional bullshit, the rules. And the rules is all based on playing hard to get to temporarily make a guy like you. But those relationships almost always implode. And even the people that wrote the books got divorced. So anyway, I don't know why I went off on a tangent. What was the question again? Was that too bold? I think it shocked him. Listen, the fact that he didn't answer was because he didn't want to tell the truth or his truth. And that is he wasn't feeling attraction for you. So the benefit is you get to, well, it'd be interesting to hear what happened. But the benefit of asking that question is you cut to the quick, you cut to the quick, you cut to the quick. Thank you so much, Jane, for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, let's go, by the way, let's go swimming. My coffee mug today says do all things with love, do all things with love. All right. Question, CB writes, will the right man reject a woman who has past relationship trauma or childhood abuse? Yes, if she hasn't got a handle on her childhood wounds and traumas, and if she is very dysfunctional in the way her relationship skills, he will absolutely break up with her. Folks, if you're not familiar with my relationship, emotional maturity and relationship skills chart, I highly recommend checking this out. By the way, this is not a fact, it's an opinion, but I believe roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues that makes it very difficult for them to actually be in a relationship, very difficult for them to actually be in. In other words, makes it difficult to be in a healthy relationship. Now, over here it says about 20% of the population is healthy. I'm being ridiculously generous when I say 20%, because the vast majority of humans are dysfunctional. So the real question is, if you've had childhood wounds and traumas, how did you heal? How did you heal? Folks, I talk about this book frequently, the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause negative patterns and limiting beliefs in one's life. So it was interesting, remember I shared earlier the story where I talked to a woman and she mentioned she had quite a bit of childhood trauma and she was going through therapy. That was my follow-up question. How have you healed from this? So coming back to your question, CB, will the right man reject a woman who has past relationship trauma? Well, first off, the right man doesn't reject anybody because they're the right man. So will the wrong man reject a woman that has past trauma? Yes. But also, are you the right woman? That's the bigger question. Are you, not you per se, but for the women who are reading this, are you the woman? Are you the right woman? Because let me tell you something. Most humans have terrible communication skills, terrible communication skills. In fact, if you're not familiar with the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberger, I highly recommend reading this book because most, by the way, ladies, I'm gonna make a generalization here, but so many women believe they're really good communicators. No, a lot of times, you're really good at vomiting your feelings. I'm gonna repeat that. Many of you are really good at vomiting your feelings. Just because you can vomit your feelings doesn't necessarily mean you're good at expressing yourself in a way that's seen, heard, and understood, okay? In fact, it's critical to get these skills going. In fact, I belong to a group, a men's and women's group, where we get together on a regular basis to talk about better communication for couples, better communication with couples. And most of the in the group are couples and I get to witness how the moderator helps the couples get better at expressing themselves. And a lot of times women think they're doing a good job and I'm like going, you're not making any sense because you're spending all day telling a story, story, story, story, story, story. And we're like, you're not making any sense. So coming back to your original question, I'm here to say the right man appreciate, if a woman has gone through trauma and has healed her trauma, if she's the right woman, the right man will appreciate her. If he's the wrong man, he's not gonna be supportive of you. And if you're the wrong woman, the right man is gonna run the other way because he doesn't wanna be with some, he doesn't wanna be with the wrong woman. At least that's my perspective on it. So CB, thank you again for your question. I really appreciate it. All right, Kate says, how's my favorite Leo? Are you feeling okay? Yes, my back is better, everyone. I am feeling better, much better. Thank you so much. Frenchy writes, question, as a tomboy, I'm used to being chummy with guys and being fun and comfortable and laughing a lot on dates. But then how to avoid having him then think of me as a friend? How do you avoid? I think it's simple. You just drop the hanky and say, hey, look, I'm attracted to you. It's just a simple, by the way, all you have to tell guys is you're attracted to them if they feel the same way, game on. I mean, folks, it's literally that simple, but everybody is afraid to say this. Listen, even for us men, it's difficult for anybody to be vulnerable and put yourself out there. And at the same time, it's time to take those risks because we don't have time to fuck around. So in the case of your question there, let me go back to it again. I would just be up front saying, I find you very attractive. Can I buy you a cup of coffee? I find you very attractive. Can I buy you a cup of coffee? And then see what happens. If it goes nowhere, you're out eight bucks, big fucking deal, okay? And do you really even care about that? No, you don't. So simply say, hey, I'd like to treat you for coffee and during, or you could start up. I'd like to treat you for coffee. And then during coffee, just say, hey, I want to be candid with you. I find you very attractive. Look it, what do you got to lose? By the way, what is it? Fortune favors the brave. There's a Matt Damon commercial on that right now. Fortune favors the brave, fortune favors the brave. You know, I've had women be so bold and brave and reach out to me on dating apps and such and really be demonstrative. And I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Now, thankfully I'm not stuck in my ego where I'm going to take advantage of someone which a lot of men can, which I get. But in this particular case, you're already friends with each other. Hey, I'd like to treat you for coffee and during that just say I'm really attracted to you and see what happens. Maybe you'll get a laugh out of it. I mean, in a good way. I mean, God, that sounded awful, a laugh out of it. Maybe you might, you know, maybe he feels the same way or maybe just being vulnerable, he's just going to appreciate your kindness. Anyway, that's my perception on that, Frenchy. Thank you so much. Frenchy. Wow, we have a lot of questions. Zaitan writes, question. How do I bring up the fact that I would like them to be more generous and pay occasionally as I show to do? When I asked, I'd like a croissant and left to pay for it myself. Well, first off folks, certainly the tradition has been men pay for dates. I mean, that's been the tradition for years, men pay for dates. I'm a big proponent of taking turns. You know, I treat this time, you treat the next time, you treat this time, I treat the next time, we take turns with one another. So it's not an imbalanced in the place of generosity. If you're constantly paying for dates, then why? I mean, you shouldn't be doing that. You should, I mean, not to suggest that you can't buy your own croissant, so to speak, but a relationship, listen, I know 30% of the female population feels entitled. I expect men to pay, I expect men to pay, I expect men to pay. Then there's probably 10% that are so scared that they'll pay for everything between men. Hopefully the 60% in the middle understand a level of parity, a level of equilibrium in the process, okay? I know those 30% of you that act feel so entitled, the chalkboard is cringing right now because you can't hear the fact that it's actually better, it actually serves you better when you invest in the process. In fact, I had a client, so I've shared this story before, I'm gonna share it again. I had some years back, I went on a first date with a woman, we went to a dive bar as our first date, it was really fun, and I paid for the first round, and it was time for the second round. And she pulls out her credit card and pays, and I said, no, I've got it. And she goes, no, I've got it. And I go, no, I got it. And we got into a little pissing match. And she puts, what happened next floored me. She puts her hand on my arm, it says, John, it looks me straight in the eyes. It says, Jonathan, I really appreciated that you treated the first round. Will you allow me to show my appreciation and treat you because I think you're worth it? Can you receive? I was in shock. I've never in my life had a woman do this. I was floored. And we began dating, and although it didn't work out, it used to be fun, it's my turn to pay. No, it's my turn to pay. It was always coming from a place of generosity. So I was telling a client this story, and sure enough, she had a first date with a guy and she did the exact same thing. And he said, I've never, ever, ever met a woman like you. You are one of a kind. Wow. And interestingly enough, they're dating now. I mean, she made such an impression by saying, can I pick up the next round of drinks? She said what? I mean, literally the exact thing happened. He wanted to pay, no, but she did that and she endeared himself to him. So my point coming back to you, if you're not taking turns and you're doing all the work, dump them. That's anyways, my perception anyway. All right, thank you, Zaitan, for sharing that. I appreciate it. All right, Nicole writes, question. I'm in a long distance relationship. He hasn't wanted to have phone sex in three weeks. Should I think anything is wrong? I trust him, that is all for me. I need a man's perspective on this. Nicole, I need a little bit more information. How long have you been dating? How often you've seen each other? How often you've had sex? More details to really give you some insight. But I would say someone who hasn't spoken to you in three weeks, that's not a good sign. Not a good sign whatsoever. That's all I can say, it's not a good sign. All right, this I think will be our last question of the day. How to break off a text relationship with someone you have strong feelings for? I'm sorry to laugh, I apologize. Why are you having a text relationship with some? I'm assuming you've never met. So you have all these strong, you know what folks? I'm sorry to be judgmental here. How to be an adult, how to be an adult. Getting attached to someone that you only have communicated with on text is what children do. It's time to become an adult. It's time to become an adult. I'm so sorry to be critical here, but many of you are operating from child-like behavior, fantasy-based behavior, and it's no wonder it's a fucking shit show and a cluster fuck out there. Men and, by the way, men are jackasses and women are just as clueless. So I'm here, I suggest all these books and a lot of people criticize me for it, but I'm suggesting all this to put the odds in your favor, because guess what? If you wanna find those 5% or 10% of those emotionally healthy men, that you better start becoming emotionally healthy yourself. It starts by doing the inner work. Folks, you all know I wrote this book after my son passed away. It's a journey of personal development, self-help, and spiritual work, so you don't fall. I was about to use the word victim, I don't like victim, but you don't fall to the old narratives that have ruined it for us these days and dating. I'm here to offer some alternate ways to looking at things so you don't get sucked in to the wrong relationship and you start attracting the right relationship. So coming back to your point, if you're having strong feelings for someone, you're texting only, then you're operating as a child. And if I lose you as a fan, I'm sorry, but I'm here to say it's time to grow up. You shouldn't have feelings for someone you've never met. Okay, it takes about 100 hours of face-to-face time. Would you give this man all your money? No! So why invest your heart in someone? By the way, do you know the guy's favorite color? Going back to that one again. All right, I think we're gonna, this is a good place to wrap up. Thanks again for that question. By the way, is this landing with you all? Is this making sense, everyone? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know. God, lots of, I missed a lot of questions here. If this is resonating, please say amen, say thank you. Please let me know. Purchase a super sticker, super chat. I really would appreciate it. All right, everyone. I think this would be a good place to wrap up for today. I hope you found value in the three clear signs. He doesn't like you or even want you. Number one is communication between dates, is random, scattered, or aloof. Number two, he starts to complain about his life circumstances because he's setting up the breakup. And lastly, he prefers spending time with his friends, family, or work versus making time for you. Hope you got value out of this. Please share this with your friends. If you'd like to talk to me, schedule a discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you. Find me on Instagram, my podcast. Get my free gift and you can join my, if you wanna, if you can't afford coaching, join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up today. First off, I'm gonna give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrow of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Jennifer, Glenn, Kimberly, Claire, Francie, Liz, Ann, Sandra, Sean, Glenn, everyone. Roller girl, thank you so much. Have a wonderful evening. Bye now.