 Well, I'm going to quickly introduce Barbara again. I don't think I need to at this point, but do let me tell you, we are very, very happy you were here and to give her the maximum amount of time to talk before we have to close. There won't be any closing remarks or anything. But she'll say goodbye. We'll say goodbye. I'll say goodbye now. Thank you. We'll see you next year, I hope. And here's Barbara. Thank you. And welcome for the cleanup. Again, it is a joy to be here. We're doing another 30-hour course in less than an hour now. 330 to 430, right? Do I have that right? Yep. Title is, Kids Are Worth It. Parenting with wit and wisdom better known as winning a parenting without beating your kids. And I'm not just talking about corporal punishment, although I could address that as well. I always marvel when I see a parent of a five-year-old going, don't you ever hit your brother anymore? Which says, if you're bigger, you can hit or find somebody smaller, which, by the way, is exactly what the kid has done. Younger brother, younger sister, cat, dog, or whatever. But what we're also talking about is all those power struggles we get into as adults with little ones. And the power struggles we end up losing. I learned a long time ago you cannot control anyone who's bigger than you or has a bigger mouth. And that can occur quite literally at any age. Just ask a parent of a five-year-old, and they'll let you in on that. But years ago, long before I had my own children, I thought one of my jobs in education was to get students to mind me. I had a five and a half-year-old teach me differently. That kid would not sit in his seat. So I tried all the nice things I'd been taught in university methods courses. Jeffy, please sit. Jeffy, look how nicely Susie's sitting. Jeffy, I'll give you five stars if you sit. Jeffy, the principal's coming in, please sit. Nothing worked. So I tried the more direct approach, sit. Kid looked at me and said, make me, five and a half. And what that little one taught me right there is you cannot make any kid do something they choose not to do. What you can do, though, is invite them to make choices. Invite them to make decisions. Let them make lots of mistakes. Hold them accountable. And allow them to experience the consequences for the choices they did make. Unless, as I mentioned before, those consequences would be life-threatening, morally-threatening, or unhealthy, in which case you intervene. So how do you begin to raise a generation of kids willing to think for themselves and stand up for values and against injustices? It begins with something very, very simple. Red pajama, blue pajama. When my kids were little, they didn't get to make all of their own decisions. I didn't say to them, do you want to go to bed or not? That is not a decision you give a two-year-old. But I did say, you want to go to bed now with your red pajamas or now with your blue pajamas. That's a decision a two-year-old can be making. They show up red bottoms, blue top. It's not life-threatening, it's irritating. But it is not life-threatening. You let it go. Getting ready for preschool. Here's three outfits pick one. A preschooler can choose from that. Age-appropriate, ability-appropriate decisions. Constantly increasing those responsibilities and decision-making tools. So by the time they leave our homes and schools, they're making all of their own decisions and truly responsible for all of their own behavior and not saying things like, he made me do it or it's not my fault. So here's three outfits pick one. Now Joe used to put his three outfits pick one in such interesting combination that out of absolute desperation, I made him a button and said, I dressed myself. Probably wear that thing to school every day. Then you increase it again. Here's your school clothes, here's your play clothes. Pick something from your school clothes. And regularly our middle daughter would show up with the layered look. All school clothes, definitely layered. Now I know a lot of parents who would say, go pick out an outfit and then stand there. You can't wear that one. It's not life-threatening to kid. It's painful to parent. But it's not life-threatening to kid to wear the layered look. You let them go. It's like kids with shoes on the wrong feet. If they hurt, they'd move them. But we worry, worry, worry. You know, I've yet to see a senior with shoes on the wrong feet. But we sure spent an awful lot of their early childhood worrying about it. No, you let them go. My 41-year-old's been picking since she was two. I'm assuming when she goes to work she picks out her own clothes. Middle school, though, we tend to start over. Here's three outfits, pick one. I don't know how many middle school parents have come up to me and said, would you look at this kid? He was such a good kid. He was so well behaved, so well mannered, so well dressed, now look at him. And I look at the kid, I get to know his parents. I say, you know what, he hasn't changed. They go, what? Haven't changed. From the time he was literally dressed the way you told him to dress. Acted the way you told him to act, said the things you told him to say. He has been listening to somebody else tell him what to do, he's been doing that. He hasn't changed, he's still listening to somebody else tell him what to do. Problem is, isn't you anymore? It's his peers. Kid hasn't learned how to think. Are any of you raging a strong-willed child right now? You say, that's why I got here early, stay in late. Some of you were here very early. It wasn't for a parking space. But let me tell you something about that strong-willed child. They are easier on us in the older teen years than compliant children. But if you think about it, it makes sense. You see, compliant children are very easily led when they're little for two things, approval and to please adults. They are just as easily led in the teen years for those same two things. Approval and to please their peers. Now strong-willed children, if you can get them up to puberty with both of you still excited about life, are never easily led by anybody. First by you, but also not by their peers. So why don't you go home and give that kid a hug and say, I knew there was a reason we were getting you up to puberty. You see, we do need a generation of kids willing to stand up for values and against injustices. Now I've gotten a lot of trouble. Went from secondary teaching to elementary crisis teaching. I was in crisis. I had parents on my case regularly because I refused to tell upper elementary kids in Colorado to put their coat and mittens on. And I would say to them, why do you wear your coat and mittens? They'd raise their hand because your mother said so. I said, no, no, no, one little boy said, because my mom's cold. I thought he was pretty close to the truth. And the other says, no, no, no, could you catch pneumonia? I said, that's not true. And it isn't true. I'll bet some of you have seen kids who never bundle up, who much to your dismay are never absent. They don't ever get sick. You breathe on them with strap. They still don't get sick. And then there's other kids whose parents wrap them up, bum them up, warm the car up, drive them directly to school, send a note, don't let them go out of their suit cold, they have pneumonia half the winter. That's not why you put your coat and mittens on. I teach them why. I hold up a hunk of frozen meat. I say, kids, look at this meat. It doesn't move, does it? It's kind of cold, isn't it? Now, feel your bodies, they're kind of warm, aren't they? Feel the heart is moving, isn't it? Now, you go on outside with your coat all buttoned up. All the warm air stays in, there's a good chance your heart'll keep moving. But should you go out with it wide open or we're show no coat at all, there is a possibility. All the warm air could go out, the cold air could come in, your organs could freeze. Heart, kidney, liver, solid, just like this hunk of meat. And the kids are going, but do you know what, you haven't lied to them. I said, but don't worry, body takes care of itself, draws from the parts it can live without. Your hands will go first. And I show them white dots and dark fingers and no fingers, some frostbite. The kids are going, yuck! I said, but that's why you wear mittens. Most kids leaving my classroom were making a decision on a regular basis not to let their organs freeze. Now, you wanna see how ingrained that is in our culture, I'll bet some of you, the last time you went home to visit your parents now that you're a responsible adult. You're walking out the door, your mom says, don't forget to bundle up. I mean, you're 40. Don't forget to bundle up. Or now you're walking out with your children because you are also now a responsible parent. And your dad says, do you think you have the kid bundled enough? Think for yourself, think for yourself. But the underlying message is, what I really mean is you better listen to me. About all I can do with you in this last hour is irritate you, and that's my goal. But I'd like to do it like an oyster. When it gets a grain of sand in it's shell, it does one of two things. Makes a pearl or it dies. Hopefully you choose the former, but the choice is yours. I mean, I get irritated at people that attend these kind of workshops, go back and change everything. And the kids say, what'd you go to this week? Because you go home, read a new book, get a different conversation, what's going on here? Now what I would like you to do is irritate about things that are happening in your homes, your schools, your community, and your programs. They get in the way of teaching kids how to think. And one of the first is think for yourself, think for yourself, listen to me. Another is the mini lecture. Y'all know what a mini lecture is? Information the kid already had. Put your coat on, wouldn't be cold. Hadn't hit your brother, wouldn't be up in your room. Eating everything on your plate could have dessert. Studied, you wouldn't have failed. But it's like my husband saying to me, if you hadn't put the car in reverse bar, we'd have two cars. You know, I don't need that information. But then neither does a kid need to hear if you'd put your coat on, you wouldn't be cold. I walk out there and say, hey, Joe, what's the matter? He said, I'm cold. I said, I bet you can handle that. He said, I want my coat. I said, good thinking. The kid decides how to solve a problem he's created. You know, as well as I do, you get a kid locked in a power struggle out there. You even suggest he put a coat on. He would freeze first rather than let you be right, especially if he's 13. He's like, I'll let you win that one. No, put it out there for him to solve. Now, how many of you work in elementary school? Anybody here? Yeah. Do you have rules about wearing coats outside? Yeah? What's that? You live in San Antonio. How about a little jacket? Yeah? You're all freezing in here. I see you got your, yeah, right. Okay, okay. Yeah, you see, the thing is what we tend to do in the colder weather climbs is we say to them, you must put your jackets on. They never have to think about it. Or, if we don't tell them, they get outside as cold. And we say, well, you can't go back in. You have to experience the consequences for a choice you made. That's foolish. What would you do if you went outside and it's cold and you're an adult? Go back inside. But you can't have 30 little ones going back inside. So how do you make it work with a group of kids? You say, you must bring your jackets outside whether you wear them or not your choice. Easy. We gotta make it work. Instead of that punitive mindset that, all right, you have to experience the consequences. Now, you take that little shawl off of you, sweetheart. You're sitting there freezing, right? You found anything you could to get warm. Yeah, no, we make it work so that kids can make decent choices about mistakes they make. About all I can do with you today is irritate you. But it's like an oyster. If it gets a grain of sand in it, shell it is one of two things that makes a pearl or it dies. Hopefully you choose the former, but the choice is yours. So make that pearl and look at where you're coming from. The next thing I'd like you to look at is where are you coming from philosophically in your profession and in your home life? Now, all of us have a parenting toolbox up here, compliments of the parents who raised us, the community we grew up in and the culture we grew up in. Some of you grew up in very vital, functioning, healthy families. You're so lucky. You reach into your toolbox for a hammer, you pull out a hammer, it will serve you well. The rest of us who came from less than vital, functioning, healthy families, reach in for a hammer, we pull out a hatchet. We make a mess of whatever we're trying to do. And then we start running to parenting workshops and we read parenting books and we take a technique from here, a technique from here, if it's in a book, it's gotta be right. And if an expert from afar, that's of anybody over a hundred miles who I qualify, comes in and says it'll work then, it'll work, wrong. You have to take anybody else's techniques. Today you have to take mine and any other speaker you heard and bounce our techniques off your own philosophical tenets. And if it won't bounce, I don't care who said it, what kind of research is behind it, don't use it. There's a lot of crazy stuff out there in parenting and education today that you and I have to challenge but we can't challenge them if we don't know where we're coming from ourselves. Now I have three basic philosophical tenets that I'll bounce anybody's techniques off of. Again, you don't have to have the same. And you say, but why are you calling in parenting? Some of us are in teaching. Oh, when you're tired, worn out, and frustrated in teaching, you don't go back to what you learned in methods class. Your mother's words roll off your tongue. Your father's hand goes, he says, I want to get a drink. So we gotta look at where we're coming from. I have three tenets, one, kids are worth it. And I know you've gotta believe that because I know you're not any of these professions for the money. Or somebody forgot to tell you something about other careers. Two, I will not treat a child in a way I myself would not wanna be treated. If I would not want it done to me, why on earth would I do it to a child? And three, if it works, it must leave my dignity and the child's dignity intact. Not just if it works or appears to work, but does it work and leave both parties' dignity intact? So let's look at those, kids are worth it. Do we first individually, as a family, as a community, as a state, as a nation, as a global community, make a commitment to children? A Lebanese citizen so sick and tired of the bombing in his own community of Beirut said we will have peace only when we begin to love our children more than we hate our enemies. Are we committed to kids? Are we willing to put our time, energy, and our money where our mouth is? And make it matter that every kid matters, including our neighbor's kid. When you hear them screaming at their child, do you run to the other neighbor and say, boy has she lost it? Or are you willing to call her up and say, your windows are open? Sounds like you're having one heck of a day. Why don't you come on down and we'll all take a break. We need to be there for one another. And those of us who have raised our kids walking through a grocery store, we see somebody struggling with three little ones say, been there, done that? Can I help you out here a bit? We gotta be there for one another. And every kid needs six critical life messages every day. As an educator, I didn't care where a kid came from, dad's an alcoholic, mother has an interesting occupation, brother's been in jail. Any kid walking through those doors, it's a kid. And every kid needs these messages. I believe in you, I trust in you, I know you can handle this. You are listened to, you are cared for, you are very important to me. Children need to hear that in lots of different ways every single day. But do you really listen to that child who's in front of you? When they walk home and say, how was your day? Fine, again, this is not fine. We gotta tune in, turn our tools off, our tech tools off, and be tuned in to them. They need to know they matter. And some of that time just kind of hanging around time. You see, children need what I call the dow of parenting. Dow is the Zen Buddhist term, and it means a path. There is not one path in parenting, but it's a path. It's like an algebraic formula. It doesn't give you the answer, it gives you a path to the answer. It's an acronym, T-A-O, Dow. Kids need our time, our affection, and our sense of optimism. Our time, parenting in all the different roles that you do is not an efficient profession. It takes time. And I'm not talking that quality time we read about in the magazines. We say, kids, we're gonna take a day off and go to the San Antonio Zoo. And the kid says, I don't wanna go to the zoo. You're going to the zoo, and you're going to have a good time. And know you cannot invite your friends to this quality time with your family. Have you ever done that and been miserable, seen people do it and be miserable? Shut up, kid, we're having fun. You know how much money this fun has cost us? You know, the worst I've heard is, shut up, kid, we're praying. Whoa, what a prayerful environment we have created. No kids need our time. One of my favorite commercials is one where a little boy says to his dad who is under the sink fixing the plumbing, dad, can I help you? He says, no, no, this is big people's stuff. And the father looked out and saw his little boy walking away like this. And the next scene is all four feet under the sink. Now it took dad a whole lot more time to do it. But the kid was involved. And we said, we hear you. Kids need to know that they can do it. You got to pick the eater, help them do the shopping, and then let them fix some meals. They tend to eat what they make. You know, it's getting them involved. They need our time. They need our affection, smile, a hug, and humor every single day. But as we talked about in the other session, humor is with them, never at them. We're not mocking them. We're not taunting them. It's laughing with them. And every kid needs a hug every single day. A smile and a hug and humor. They also need a sense of optimism. Now I'm not talking that rose colored optimism where it all is right with the world. None of us are in a profession here where all is right with the world, because it's not. It's what Victor Frankel called tragic optimism, a death camp survivor. He said, when you have been brought to your knees in grief, can you get up in the morning, fix your children breakfast, say, we're gonna make it through this. Because no matter what is to be followed, we're gonna make it through this. Not, you're gonna do it alone. We're gonna make it through this. But how you handle everyday adversity will give kids a clue as to how optimistic our place is. I got stuck in Winnipeg on my way to the Paw Manitoba, which is in the middle of nowhere. Which, if you're an optimist, is halfway to everywhere. The plane cannot get in for eight hours. Snowstorm, you should have seen some of those people carry on. You can't do this to me. I'll never fly these airlines again. I want my money back. It's the only way to get to the Paw when they want their money back. Some people ranted and raved for eight hours. Some hit the bar for eight hours. Some read a good book for eight hours. All three groups got on the same plane eight hours later. Some were still angry, ready to throttle the pilot, which would have only made us later. Some after eight hours in the bar weren't sure and didn't care if they were on a plane. And some of us had read a good book. It's your point of view. It's that optimistic point of view. But again, it is not rose color. Oh, it's meant to be. Ah, you try working number one and say that to a genocide survivor. No. It is what it is. It's ugly. It's mean. It's vicious. And we're gonna get through this because we're here for one another. It's that sense of optimism. So they need our time, our affection, and our sense of optimism. Second tenant won't treat a child the way I myself would not want to be treated. Wouldn't want it done to me? Not gonna do it to a kid. Any of you recently been invited to a party, you have to have been invited, can't have had it at your own house. We are not a very playful group here. But then we are not a very playful culture. Some of our children do not know how to play today unless they're signed up, suited up, offered up on a Saturday morning competitive sport adult screaming at them. But we had a couple of party years here. Where's the party year? We had a party year over there. Way in the back there. Your name? Bonnie, do you have to earn that party or did you just get invited? You're looking at me like you're not a slave. Of course I just got invited. Now your behavior may dictate they don't ever invite you back again. But you didn't have to earn the party, did you? But look what we make our children do. Earn their parties. You don't get your name on the board, you can come to the popcorn party. Read 23 books, we'll have a pizza party. Make your goal in soccer, we'll go to Dairy Queen. How would you like it? Next party you go to, they stop you at the door and say, uh-uh, beds aren't made, lawn's not mowed, laundry's not done. Get home, get them done. Then come to the party. You would probably decline the invitation. And some of you would never get to a party. What happened to teaching kids to celebrate life? Enjoy one another, break bread together? I used to have parties regularly in my classroom. But my students in special ed had been bribed and threatened, rewarded and punished. Then I said, we're gonna have a popcorn party on Friday, they say, how come? I said, because I like parties. What do we have to do? I said, show up. You know, I can teach kids things at a party. I can't teach them when they're struggling with their mouth and getting to fight in the playground. And you know that little one who needs the party the most? Kidder never earns it. Think about it. And once in a while, I'd have a party in the middle of the week. Cause the week was so bad, I didn't know what else to do with it. I said, kids, we're starting over. You have run the last sub on the list out. I can't even get sick the rest of this year. And really a snake in the file cabinet. Did you have to? We're gonna start over with the party. We're gonna come together and start this thing over. We need in the good times to have celebrations so kids can fall back on those memories and know that we can do that in the rough times too. We need to have celebrations with our young people that have nothing to do with anything except just being. So in the rough times, they can do that. We need to have family celebrations that our children can remember in the rough times. It was interesting to me that after the shootings at Columbine, there was a group of kids who said, when are we gonna have our finals? And people are going, you kidding me? We've got 15 people dead and you're worried about your finals? No, they needed normal. They needed something that says, I can show up and write an exam. Cause none of that other stuff is normal. So we get to celebrate with children and have some ritual and tradition to fall back on. All three of my children had a wonderful art teacher, Mr. Collins. But Joey had had him since seventh grade cause Mr. Collins picked him up as a good artist. The other two were okay, but he had passion for art. And so he was his mentor and his senior year, Mr. Collins was killed in a car accident. And they brought one of those people in, crisis people, and she stood in front of his art class and went on and on a bit and then hit him with that Mr. Collins had been in an accident. I always believe you tell the headline first cause nothing's gonna soften it. You give the facts and then you shut up. So kids know, well she didn't, she went on and on and on. And I'll give you my bias here for that. I really believe when we send crisis people in, they need to work with the adults and help them work with the kids because they're the ones who are gonna be around when the crisis people leave. And kids need to know that no matter how much you cry, you're with them. Well, my son fled the room. He didn't wanna hear it from this woman. And then the principal called home and my husband was home at the time. And they said, you know, Joey has left school. And my husband said, yes, I know, he's out in the garage throwing pots. He would throw a pot, throw it against the wall, throw a pot, throw it against the wall, throw a pot, throw it against the wall. Anyone gonna talk to anybody? Cause that's how he was gonna deal with his grief. But there was a teacher there who had taught for 25 years with Mr. Collins who was broken up, but heard that Joey had left home. At her break, she came to my house. And pretty soon, other kids got the word. You know who could comfort him the most? The teacher who was the most broken up. And you know, my husband's a psych rehab counselor. I'm in the field. You know what our job was? Food. Pass the food and shut up cause they needed to grieve together. And they had, he had four beautiful rules for life. And he'd start class with those four beautiful rules. So this broken up art teacher said, all of you kids, cause we had quite a crowd in our house at that point, all of you kids can come to school early and we'll do that ritual before you go to the other classes. That ritual and tradition, kids need that in the rough times. And that's the only thing you took off the university was those four rules. You know, we've got to have that kind of ritual and tradition for these kids. We've got to have little kids who when they're leaving a school having a little memory book that has extra pages in it for his new school to do those kinds of things. And I had a man in one of my workshops at least once a month, use your good stuff. He came up to me and he said, tell my wife, tell my wife that again. I said, what, I've been talking for two hours. He said about using the good stuff. And I said to her, what's the problem? She said, oh, those dishes have been in our family for generations. And I said, well, when you die, you notice I don't say if and maybe and path when you pass on or, you know, when you die, cause that's a commitment we all made when we were born, when you die, if the only thing your children have is a sugar bowl with a crack in it to pass around and say, do you remember the good times we had with these dishes? Rather than, do you remember dusting those once a year? Make memories with your children. That's part of it. So, but back to the parties. I want you to think about all the bribes and threats and rewards and punishments that are such an insidious part of our culture. Because bribes and threats and rewards and punishments truly interfere with ethical behavior. As I spoke about in the bullying section, we need a kid standing up when it costs them to do it, not what's in it for me. And so many of our catch and be in good programs relies on our catching them, which also means if I don't get caught, what I didn't, what I did wasn't bad because I didn't get caught. Think about it. And if any of you have a radar detector, you say, I didn't come here to hear about my radar detector, what you were saying to children in your car is speeding's not bad, getting caught is. You say, oh darn. Think about the messages we're giving kids. Alfie Cohen said it so beautifully, bribes and threats are the flip side of the same coin, they don't buy us much. A bribe is just a pleasant threat. If you eat everything on your plate, you can have dessert, it's just a nice way of saying you don't eat it, you don't get dessert. It also says, what's on that plate so bad, we have to bribe you to eat it. Now think about it. I want you to irritate about that. You say, but what am I gonna do instead of all those bribes and threats and rewards and punishments? There's an old Sufi saying, before you kill the cat, make arrangements for the mice. Now those cat lovers, it's a metaphor, we're not killing cats. But before you get rid of all your bribes and threats and catching me in good rewards and all that kind of stuff, make sure you've made arrangements for what to do instead. What do you do instead of bribes and threats and rewards and punishments? Kids need encouragement, they need feedback, they need deep caring, and they need discipline. They need encouragement, six critical life messages. Kid falls flat on his face, how do you praise him? You foul well? Now I know a lot of special ed teachers who would do that, we had one on staff who would say, don't worry, you're moving forward. No, I believe in you, I trust in you, I know you can handle this or listen to care for very important to me. Come on buddy, pick yourself up, you can do it, I know you can do it. They need that encouragement, they need feedback. Now feedback comes in three Cs, compliments, comments, and constructive criticism. Compliment, best compliment you can give a kid is thank you. Thank you for walking the dog, he's been inside all day, look how happy he is to be outside. Thank you for letting that little boy share your toy, he's so happy playing with that toy. Thank you for inviting that little girl to sit at the table with you so she doesn't feel left out. Thank you, but I want you to notice. Oh, and thank you for watering that plant, it was wilted, now it's standing up strong. Stroke the deed, not the kid. Be very specific to the deed and let your child know what his or her actions did for an animal, a plant, or another human being. That shows children they have agency in their life, that what they do matters. Thank you. Now can you ever get excited? Oh yes, that three year old wants you to wave bye bye to the bow movement, you get in there and wave bye bye to the bow movement. That five year old makes it down the hill without the training wheels touching, you did it. Do you see how different that is? Then if you make it down without the training wheels touching, we'll go to Dairy Queen, they'll lie to you or they'll throw their bike down and say I'm not gonna do it, I don't care about the ice cream anyway. You did it, you get excited about a child's excitement. Your 16 year old makes it around the parking lot without popping the clutch, you did it. You get excited about their excitement. So they need compliments, comments, good solid instruction. Here's how you add, here's how you subtract, here's how you diagram a sentence that ought to date me. Here's how you drive a standard shift car and you need to remember when you get in an automatic it doesn't have a clutch and the brakes don't take its place. Good solid instruction, but that means also good solid instruction in character development. How to care deeply, share generously, help willingly. Which by the way are the antidotes to the three most violent agents ripping apart the fabric of our humanity. Hating other human beings with utter contempt, hoarding me, mine, and more instead of us ours and enough and harming through lying and cheating and stealing. What's wrong with lying and cheating and stealing? First of all it destroys your own personal integrity. Secondly it destroys your relationship to the thou, the I and the thou. And that destroys community because if they don't trust you we don't have community. My favorite example of cheating happened at Simon Fraser University. They had a scandal in their graduate school. People were cheating on their ethics exams. I have not been able to top that one. But what are the antidotes to hating, hoarding, and harming? Care deeply, share generously, help willingly. The more you can do every single day to help your children care more deeply, remember it's not necessarily liking them but you care deeply about them. That must relieve somebody else's suffering and wishing them well. Share generously, getting them to help others out in giving the gifts that they have. Not just material gifts, but giving of their time and not so they can put it on their resume for college but because it's the right thing to do. Do good because good is good to do, spring threats of hell and bribes of heaven, you do it because it's the right thing to do. James Natchway needs a bore. Do it because it's the right thing to do. That's what we wanna teach our young people, that you go sit next to that girl, you stop those kids from being mean in the locker room, you get online and support the kid who's being harassed online. We've got to be willing to do that and help willingly to get our kids to help at home and school and in the community just because the other person needs it, not what's in it for me. So we have to teach them all of those kinds of things. That's comments. And the third C is constructive criticism, something we're so afraid to give kids in a praise-oriented culture. We're so afraid to say that's not right. I don't say that's wrong very often. I say that's not right because it's bigger than right wrong. We got two girls making up a game, only two can play because I don't want the other girl to play with them because she played with the new girl yesterday and you say that's not right and the parents say there's nothing wrong with making up a game, only two can play. They're right, but it's not right if your intent is to exclude another human being. You see, intent matters. And so we want to talk to our kids about that's not right, but how you treat an A plus will give your kids a clue. If they can come home and tell you they wreck the family car, that they're 16 years old and pregnant, that they got in a fight, that someone was targeting them or they got caught in that trap and were mean and cruel to another human being. They've got to be able to tell us about the good, the bad and the ugly. So how you treat the A plus matters? Your child comes home with an A plus, you say I'm so proud of you. You take after my side of the family. We'll go put this up on the refrigerator for the other side to look at. You do that very often. I promise you, you're gonna go back to school night, pick up your child's desk and find all the papers in there that aren't an A plus. Cause pretty soon they can't bring it home. You say, but what am I gonna say when my kid comes home with an A plus? All I've ever said to my kids, and by the way, I still say it to them as young adults, talk to me about it, tell me about it. Anybody here good at spelling? It just comes now. You are your name? I'm not gonna make you spell. Rita, could you do a 30 hour course up here without notes? I can. See we have different gifts. Spelling is not mine. Ask my editor. Barb, didn't she use a spell check? Yeah, but that word wasn't in it. It's a very good word. You know, spelling just is not mine. We have our own gifts. So Rita, you're good at spelling. Anybody here not so good at spelling? Your name? Elise, if you studied as hard as your sister Rita, you'd have it. That's not true. She didn't even study. Your child comes home with an A plus. She'd say, talk to me about it. Elise says, look mom, I got all the words right. Even spelled February right in the arson of funny place. You get excited about her excitement. But you say to Rita, talk to me about it. She says, spell is easy. I don't get excited about it. What I do say to her is Rita, you have a phenomenal gift. We got to find a way for you to use that gift. Do you see how different than I'm so proud of you? Because what's the flip of I'm so proud of you? I'm ashamed of you. I don't want to be ashamed of my kids. I want them to feel guilt if they need to feel guilt. But the guilt is in them, not me. I want you to know you can come to me with the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I will be there for you. You're not like what you're doing. I don't care deeply about you. So I say to her, you got a gift, we got to find a way. Now it's at home, I might say, you know, we've been going over to the senior center, you're old enough to come with us. And there's some people who are visually handicapped and there's others who have Parkinson's, they have trouble writing. One of the things you can do with your gift is you can go and write thank you notes for them, answer their emails, send letters out, fill out forms for them. Teaching her you have a gift, you have an obligation to serve. Very different than I'm so proud of you. You know those bumper stickers, I'm a proud parent of a student, an honor student. I had two kids in junior high at the same time. One was on the honor roll, the other, we're lucky he was in school. What was I supposed to do, take the sticker off when he was in the car? Think about it. Why not just say I'm a proud parent of a student in this district? Oh yeah, you've seen some of the other ones. My dog can beat up your honor student kind of thing. No, I'm not into that, I'm not into either of those. But you have a job, what do I do at school? I say, you know what, reader, you have a phenomenal gift. We've got a young girl Elise in school who has dyslexia. And by the way, I don't whisper it as if it's shameful. The buzzards know the name of their reading group, no matter what the computer punch out card calls them. They know where they fit. So Myze will be up front, she has dyslexia, which means she has trouble reading out loud and spelling and not but that discounts it. And she's a phenomenal storyteller, which by the way, happens to be true of many kids with dyslexia. One of the things you can do with your gift is write her story out for her as she tells it to you. Now you might not be such a great storyteller and you'll learn from her. Oh, we have an artist illustrated. Oh, we have a musician score it. Two class clowns acted out. Do you know what I just did? Didn't cost a dime and didn't interfere with standardized testing. I created a larger circle of caring, which goes a long way to breaking the cycle of violence. Chances of kids mocking you on the playground has been radically reduced. I take a child with ADHD and let him be the first to climb the rock wall. Why they take risks? And the other kids are going, wow, instead of, oh, he's always out of his seat. He has to go down and take his medicine. He never sits still. I take kids who are impulsive and get them in a Red Cross program as soon as Red Cross will take them so they can fix the nose leads they gave other kids. But I also make sure they know how to swim. Why? They make phenomenal lifeguards. And I mean that. The rest of us are wondering if we should go in there and get that person out there in there with a trained skill impulse. They make phenomenal EMTs and paramedics. Lousy brain surgeons. But I don't want a brain surgeon in the back of an ambulance. I want somebody who's right there. Those first responders. This is how we frame this with our kids. But we say to her, you have a phenomenal gift, you gotta find a way to use that gift. And we say, that's not right. If it's not right. Because one, they can fix it and make it right. And two, it's bigger than right wrong, which is so black and white. Then, after you've given them encouragement and feedback, compliments, comments, criticism, you've always given them that sense of deep caring that must relieve somebody else's suffering and wishing them well. You need to use discipline. Now, discipline is not punishment. Discipline and punishment are often used as if they're synonymous, they're not. Punishment's adult-oriented, it's imposed from without, it arouses resentment, and basically teaches kids to respond with three Fs. Out of fear, fight back or flee. Either themselves afraid to make a mistake, or if their teenager's out the front door. Discipline, on the other hand, if you go back to its Latin roots means to give life to a child's learning. Discipline does four things punishment will never do. Shows kids what they've done wrong. Gives them ownership of the problem. Gives them ways to solve it. Most importantly, it does something punishment will never do. It leaves a child's dignity intact. And we need discipline in three situations. When they make a mistake, when they create mischief or cause mayhem. Bullying, by the way, is always in the mayhem category. There's different degrees of mayhem and not all mayhem is bullying. You can have vandalism, possession, use of a weapon, a big fight on your hands, which can be mayhem. But once you diminish another human being, that is mayhem. And you know sucker punching somebody in an elevator and dragging him out unconscious is not a mistake. And yet, what did he say? I made a mistake. It's not a mistake. Well these kids made a big mistake. No, they caused mayhem. We've gotta know what it is. How do you discern the difference? A child runs out of class. Unbeknownst to himself as felt-tip marker, Lyd came off and he's marking up the wall. That's a mistake. Another kid does tic-tac-toe on the wall. That's mischief. And another kid writes a kid's name and a gross term, that's mayhem. And we need discipline in all those situations, but it's a very simple formula. It doesn't make it easy. Simple doesn't always make it easy. Whether it's a three-year-old that breaks a glass or a 16-year-old in a lab class who accidentally dropped a beaker that had caustic material in it. If we can say in our homes, our schools, and our communities, when a child makes a mistake, they need to own it, fix it, learn from it, and move on. That's it. Three-year-old breaks a glass. Be careful of the glass. Don't drop the glass, it crashes on the floor. Brickwall, you patsy kid, that's where you're gonna use plastic the next 30 years of your life. Get out of this kitchen right now. We says, when you have a problem, you are a problem. And those are kids who will start to hide their problems. You can tell a child from a brickwall family when they make a mistake. What they will do around you is they'll cover themselves and you would never hit them, but they're expecting it. They pull back because you might scream at them and you never would, but they're expecting it. They erase through the paper because mistakes are bad. Jellyfish family, oh sweetheart, what was I thinking, giving you a slippery glass? Honey, did that scare you? I'm so sorry. Come on over here and have some chocolate. I cleaned that mess up. Which says, when you have a problem with somebody else's fault and then I get your kid in school, wasn't my fault, work sheet wasn't dark enough, teacher didn't give me enough time, the kid behind me was bugging me, or the classic. You don't understand, teacher, he hit me back first. Backbone parent looks at that kid and says, you have a problem, go get me a bag. Three year olds can't pick up glass, but they can hold a bag. You put the glass in, they help mop the floor up and then you say, which of these two plastic glasses would you like to use today? Which says, when you have a problem, what you need is a good plan. Not a good excuse, don't blame somebody else, but a good plan. Our son made a goal for the opposing team in a soccer game at a big tournament. Oops, went from goalie to forward, ran out on the field, shoelaces untied, fell down as well, came toward him, and he went down to his own goalie and did a beautiful left footed goal. And as soon as he, and his goalie's going, no Joe, no Joe, no Joe. As soon as the goalie saw him and Joe saw him, he went, oh, oh. Now there were some adults on the sidelines who my nonviolent self would have liked to have just creamed, yelling, get him out, get him out, because they're keeping the score and oh my goodness. The coach handled it beautifully. He said, Joseph, get over here. And Joe's going, coach, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. He said, I don't want and I'm sorry. That was a beautiful goal. Now you get out there and get one for us. He didn't want any excuses. No, you own it. You fix it. You learn from it and you move on. That's how we have to treat mistakes. Now what if it's mischief? Our same son broke the Beaver bait jar at the Natural History Museum. Could have been worse. Could have been an irreplaceable dinosaur leg, very lucky, very replaceable Beaver bait jar. He was not punished. He wasn't paddled, which is still allowed in your state and mine and 24 others. But our district had banned it. He didn't get sent to the principal, which could have been punishment, depending on how the principal handled it. Didn't have to write 550 times. I will not break a Beaver bait jar. And he didn't get banned from the next field trip. Instead, his teacher very wisely said, Joe, you have a serious problem here. I know you can handle it. He had to write a letter to the Natural History Museum. He had to replace the Beaver bait jar, which is a trip unto itself. And for those of you who don't know, Beaver bait is female beaver urine. The kid will never break another Beaver bait jar. And before he could go on the next field trip, he had to have all that done and have in writing how he would handle his feet, hands, and mouth creatively and constructively on the next field trip. He was shown what he'd done wrong. Given ownership of the problem, given ways to solve it, most importantly, his dignity was left intact. Did he have fun? Oh, yes. Now that really burns people are into punishment. How dare the kid have a good time? I have seen administrators truly discipline a child. But since they're not hanging by their toenails that noon in public display and in pain, somebody will say you didn't do anything to him. Again, in discipline, you don't do something to them. You do something with them. Saturday morning he got to go. He got up early, got his little knapsack ready. Then the game warden very patiently explained to Joe how he had to collect female beaver urine. His eyes got huge. He looked at me, he looked at his dad, he was now smiling. And he said to the game warden, I have to do that. I thought the game warden's comment was classic. He said, well, I didn't break the Beaver bait jar. And just as an aside, Joseph Sr. Prom was held at the Natural History Museum. What a fitting end to his public education. But he was shown what he'd done wrong, given ownership of the problem, given ways to solve it, left his dignity intact. Now you say, but what's the difference with breaking the glass or the caustic material in the lab class and him breaking the Beaver bait jar? He was swinging his backpack around with his buddy. That's mischief. Well, the woman's explaining dinosaur legs. And his buddy hit him. So Joe went to hit him back, they're both laughing. The boy docked, Joey's backpack strap extended, and the Beaver bait jar is broken. That's mischief. So it's easy to discern that when you look at intent. Mayhem is another whole lecture unto itself. Whether it's bullying, the five-year-old hitting the three-year-old. We always do restitution, resolution, and reconciliation. Own and fix what you did to the best of your ability. Figure out how you're gonna keep it from happening again, and that's where your wisdom comes in. And to heal with the person you've harmed. With the five-year-old bopping his little brother over the head. He takes time out to figure out how he's gonna calm down and how he's gonna fix what he just did. And when he goes back finally to his little brother, he realizes he cannot fix the hit, because you can't un-hit. But he broke the toy that he hit his brothers with, so he gets to replace the toy, and he can say to his brother, I hit you. And that was mean. And I'd like to offer you another toy, and we have to teach him how not to hit his brother. What's the alternatives to hitting your brother? And talk to him about you hold one part of the relationship your brother holds the other, and you can't make him give you his toy. Because number one, you control half of that relationship, your brother controls the other. Half number two, you influence it, how you ask your brother matters. And I gotta tell you, bopping him over his head has radically reduced the chances of him being willing to share. And number three, no is a complete sentence. If your brother says no, you have to go find something else to do. We have to teach him those things. But to heal with the brother you've harmed, you have to go to your brother and say, well, he likes to be pulled in the wagon, so here's the five-year-old pulling the three-year-old in the wagon, the five-year-old knowing his own goodness, the three-year-old knowing his brother's goodness, so they can go back and fight later in the day, because kids fight. But whenever there's malice or hits, the restorative practices is where you start. Now, after you've done all that and you're kind, caring, consistent, firm, and fair, say what you mean? Say you've eliminated sarcasm, medical, and embarrassment. You have structure around mealtime. Mealtime, one meal a day. Celebrate with your children at least one meal a day. Bedtime, don't tell your children they need their sleep. Be honest, you both need their sleep. Chores, I want kids to understand your important, responsible member of the family. And we're counting on you to do chores. And yes, you're getting an allowance, but it has nothing to do with chores. You have to learn to spend, save, and give to those who have less than you have. That's why you get an allowance. So you handle money, whether you earn it, marry into it, win it in a lottery, or you inherit it. And then when you get home this evening and they're sleeping, it's easier when they're sleeping. I'd like you to look down at your children, remind yourself there's one thing none of us can control. No do we want to, and that's our children's will. That spirit to be themselves apart from you and me, they are not ours to possess, control, manipulate, or even to make mind. What they are is what Cahill Gabron said they were, life longing for itself. They are gifts to us. Now granted, some came in very unique packaging, but they're all a gift, and we have to treat them as a gift. We have to encourage them to become all they can become, not how we want them to become. That's so narrow-minded. You and I cannot even begin to dream the dreams. This next generation's gonna dream or answer the questions that'll be put to them. You want them to make wise choices every day, giving the opportunity to make lots of choices, including some unwise ones. Don't be out in front to rescue, over to punish, but as they're falling down, stand behind them to guide them with discipline, the six critical life messages in the Tao of Parenting. And if you're gonna do all that, I have an assignment for you. I'd like you to model that. And the best way I know to do that is I would ask each one of you to take one half hour out of your day every day and give it to the only person who's gonna spend the rest of your life with you, and that's you, you know. People come and go in our lives. And the dishes aren't done. And you've been here all day, and you say, woman, you don't understand. We've got laundry piled this high, dishes piled this high, I've got a paper to write yet, and you want me to give myself a half hour, you bet I do, because let me tell you something. You don't give yourself a half hour, nobody else is gonna give it to you. You gotta believe first that you're worth it before you can ever impress on young people that they're worth it. So run, pray, read a good book, sit, take a long bath, don't eat a hunk of chocolate cake, you'll regret it. But do something that says I like me, and when you've done that, what you'll find is not that you're the perfect parent, not that you're the perfect educator, not that you're the perfect day care provider, the perfect judge, no, you'll find you have energy to know three things I like myself. I can think for myself, and even in my profession, there is no problem so great it can't be solved. And you will find yourself winning, not beating kids, not controlling them, not making them mind, but you'll be winning by allowing and encouraging them to become all they can become, which is responsible, resourceful, resilient, compassionate human beings who know how to think, not just what to think, you're worth it, so are they. And if that's not enough reason, let me give you this last reason, old age. You and I are hopefully gonna get the opportunity to grow older. And a generation we are now investing our time, our energy, and I believe in all of our professions, our lives, if we can raise this next generation to believe they can love themselves, and in loving themselves, extend themselves to others, if we can teach them that they can think for themselves, and in being able to think for themselves, would never allow others to manipulate them, nor would they choose to manipulate others for their own gain. If we can teach them every day to be more cooperative than competitive, if we can teach them every day to solve their own academic and social problems, then I believe we will have taught them in this world there's no problem so great, it can't be solved. And when you and I get old, and this next generation starts making decisions for us, remember, be kind to your parents, say your children are watching, and be kind to your children, they do pick out your nursing home. When we get old and they start making those decisions for us and for the generation they will create, we can trust that the time and the energy we spent doing the work we do was worth it, because thanks to our time and energy, this next generation is truly going to be capable of caring more deeply, sharing more generously, and helping more willingly. You're worth it, they're worth it. Go home, give a kid a hug. Thank you for your day. Thank you. Thank you. And I will be out there to sign up, and then I'm catching a plane, and you go home and hug a kid.