 From Hollywood the Phil Harris Alice Faye show For your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show written by Ray Singer and Nick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis Walter Tetley Robert North Janine Ruth and Whitfield Walter Sharpen his music yours Julie Bill Foreman and starring Alice Faye and Bill Harris Most men who have found the right woman are content to settle down to a life of happiness But there comes a time in every man's life when he asks himself this question Why did I ever get married? What's the matter Claude you ain't happy here Certainly happy the bird dog. No, I didn't mean that Alice. That's nothing to do with you. I guess it's just the weather Spring is in the air and well it it makes me want to feel free to roam. I want to shake my shackles Go ahead and shake them But be careful the last time you shook them you almost fell apart Well honey, it's just at this time of year. I feel like a little cold who wants to scamper through the fields I want to be like the mighty eagle Soaring amid the lofty crags are like the nimble little young deer skipping gaily down Rex Oh You'd better forget it Bill you just got up and you can't think clearly yet. I'm not gonna forget it Why can't I be like a nimble young deer free to roam the farms because you're a middle-aged goat and I'm keeping your home But honey when I feel spring in my bones, I just have to get away for a while You feel that way every year all you need is a spring tonic Well, all right, maybe that'll help go make me a bourbon and molasses Bourbon and molasses I don't think you have the right combination. Okay, forget the molasses make it with ginger Why is it that every once in a while you you want to get away? Well, it's not just me honey every man wants to get away once in a while He likes to go fishing or hunting with the boys Every man doesn't feel that way. Well, I tell you they do and if you don't believe me just ask another man All right, I'll ask my brother Willie. Come in here, please. Oh, you're asking a good kid Well, he's a man, isn't he for the sake of argument. Yes But I meant a real he-man. He is a he-man. What do you want Alice? I'm very busy playing with the children Well, I just want to ask you a question in just a moment Phyllis don't stand too close to the plate and watch the batter Hey, Willie, are you teaching the girls how to play baseball? No, I'm showing them how to bake a cake. I Don't want Phyllis to knock the batter off the plate. I know it. I know What do you want sis? Well, Phil and I were having an argument and we want your opinion. I agree with Alice. You're wrong Philip How do you know I'm wrong? Well, you're never right and even if you were I wouldn't admit it Willie let's be fair about this I want you to consider Phil's point of view as well as mine And I don't expect you to side with me just because I happen to be the generous sister who supports you Now that you've bribed the jury let's present the cake Well, Willie Phil claims that every married man wants to desert his family and run away with a native girl to Bali, Hai Bali, Hai What native girl all I want to do is to go fishing in Lake Henshaw with a white woman. I mean Willie doesn't every man get spring fever about this time of year and want to get off by himself. That's right Philip I think it's particularly good for married men I think every married man should get away from his wife for a few times. Willie that's enough. Let this doll talk Go ahead you precious little brother-in-law Alice a marital vacation or do you good too? Every wife should get away from a husband Particularly a husband like this All right, I'll admit I'm a difficult man to live with charming but difficult And Alice I think you're entitled to arrest away from me. I agree with you Phil you do And I think it's very sweet of you to offer to stay home with the children while I go to Palm Springs tilt Alice do you mean that you'd go to Palm Springs and leave your family Shirk your responsibilities just so you can have a good time. Who you think you are me? I'm the one who's supposed to go away. Phil I forbid you to go You forbid me? It is to laugh But if I want to go I'll go I'll just get up like this and walk across the room Open the door and goodbye Are you going to let him go? He won't get very far. He walked into the hall closet Well, Phil I thought you were going too dark out I'll wait a little more morning. Smok gets thicker in this town every day Philip you walked into the hall closet. Oh, well this time I'm walking out the front door like this Really he really went. I didn't think he Uh, Phil I knew you'd come back. How far can I go without my pants? Why didn't somebody tell me these things For god, I'm still in my PJ's Now Phil get dressed and forget the whole silly thing now. Excuse me. I have some work to do. Yeah. Yeah Forget it. She said she dismisses me as if I were nothing at all That's a trouble with women. We never should have given them the right to vote Women should be kept in their place. They belong in a kitchen Come in If I had my way I'd put all the women in the world in one big kitchen Where is this kitchen curly? I'm in the mood to do a little cooking Oh, hello Frankie. What's bothering you? Oh, it's Alice. Whenever I want to do something she forbids it What do you mean she forbids it? This is a free country. You're a citizen. There ain't nobody in the world who can tell you what to do Except patrillo I might just as well be married to him. No, no, I don't want to go that far Look Frankie, I'd like your opinion. Well, I'll be glad to help you I'm known as a worldly man wise and sophisticated a deep thinker and quite a philosopher What do you want to know What do you think of women? Thank you, Errol Flynn Look Ramley, I'm not talking about women. I'm talking about wives. I'm mad at Alice. Why are you mad at her? I'll tell you why I'm mad at her. She thinks that just because she's pretty soft smells nice When she gets into my arms, she's so cuddly and sweet nice to hold and uh In your manner mad who me? Mad, how are you gonna be mad? All right, Curly come on snap out of it Think of the nasty thing she does. Oh, yeah nasty. Well, you know That I I told her that I want to go away with the guys for just a few days for a little harmless fun And she won't believe me I can't understand it neither can I I believe you and I know you're not telling the truth Look Ramley, I am telling the truth I thought that you and I and a couple of the guys could well just get in the car and go away for a nice rest You know to some place that's Peaceful and quiet. I got just the place Curly Las Vegas Las Vegas is quiet. Yeah, I know a place to just put in a sponge rubber crap table You can't hear the dice. All right, right, right Come on over What's the use You don't want me to go. I'll just have to stay home and be miserable. Oh, don't be so discouraged. We'll think of a way out And cheer up. How can I cheer up when I feel like a prisoner? What's easy? What do you usually do to cheer yourself up? I sing Why do I keep bleeding with my chin? He carries her picture in his pocket Twice taken the day went to see He carries her picture in his locket though. She is as ugly as can be Oh, what a face. Oh, what a face. It's a disgrace. It's a disgrace to be showing it in any public place One morning he took her to a pig farm. He told her to wait down by the rail But when he returned he couldn't find her The farmer had put her up for sale Oh, what a face. Oh, what a face. It's a disgrace. It's a disgrace to be showing it in any public place She always liked to watch the horses When they were racing at the track Until the day she wandered near the stable And the jockey threw a saddle on her back Oh, what a map. Oh, what a map. It's a mishap. It's a mishap to be showing it in any public trap Her father arranged for her to marry Some fella who had never seen the bride But when she raised the veil to let him kiss her He screamed and had committed suicide. Oh, what a face. Oh, there's bears. It's a disgrace. It's a disgrace to be showing it in any public place He carried her picture in his pocket He kept it till his ship went down at sea It was then that he took the little locket And packed it in a box and set it free And now that picture in the locket Is floating around from sea to sea And if by chance you ever find it Don't open it up or you will see that awful face It's a disgrace To be showing it in any public place Well, Frankie, now I feel better. That's understandable. Having a good cry like that always makes a person Hey, Curly, I thought of a way to get you out of the house for a few days. You did? How? Start shaking. You're about to have a nervous breakdown Nervous break That should spring me up Okay, let's go in and see Alan. Matt, it's so fast. This has to be done subtly Now I'll set it up for you. I'll go in and tell Alice that you're acting a little irrational Yeah, then you come in and when we speak to you don't make too much sense Let your mind wander a little bit Got it. Good. I'll go in to Alan. Don't you come in for a couple of minutes? Yeah, this ought to work like a charm. You'll never suspect Oh, Alice. Where are you? Right here, Frankie. Where's Phil? I left him in the other room Alice I want to talk to you about him I don't want to alarm you, but I think he's on the verge of a mental breakdown How can you tell? Well, when he talks he doesn't make sense. He never did True But he seems to be getting worse His mind wanders Frankie, you're just imagining things. No, no, I'm not. Why when I was talking to him just now Oh, here I come. Hi, Curly. Oh, hello Frankie. Wasn't I just talking to you in the hall? Yeah, that's funny I could have sworn I was oh, well, it's a small world. Alice, where are my pinking shares? What do you want with pinking shares? I thought I'd make scallops for dinner See what I mean, Alice? Oh, that doesn't prove anything. He always tells bad jokes You feel all right, Phil? Of course I do. I love hospital beds, don't you? A holiday like this is so good to be alive Don't you wish you were Frankie? You're acting very peculiar the way you talk. I can't understand you. Well, you could if you took your snowshoes off You better go upstairs and lie down. Oh, so that's it. You want to be alone with Mr. Klingfinger here How dare you come into my house and make love to my wife behind my back? But Phil Quiet, John. I'm speaking to Marcia You have a lot of nerve sneaking in. I didn't sneak in. Then how come you're disguised as a zebra One thing I can't stand. It's a woman who steals another man's wife. Anyone for tennis? You're overdoing it. I can't stop Phil, honey, sit down and I'll get you a drink. Oh goody. I would love a cup of tea. Teas? Oh, he really blew a fuse I'll pour the tea. How many lumps, Frankie? Two. Got in the head, Morris I don't believe I want any tea. Now nonsense. You just hold your cup still while I climb up on the edge and die there It's so refreshing to be a teabag Have you been a teabag long? Oh, yeah. Mother was an orange and father was a pico. Who are you? I'm the guy who sorry started this whole thing Oh, I know. You're Mr. Hess who has a department store in Allentown, Pennsylvania. How are your escalators running? All right, Phil, I catch on. If you want to go away for two days that badly, you can go I can? Oh, Alberta, you're a peach Has the gardener sprayed you lately? I kind of like this kind of talk. This might be the beginning of a new kind of a thing for me Shut up Maybe there is something wrong with him. Maybe he ought to stay home and rest. Oh, oh no, Alice He needs medical treatment and there's only one man to take him to Dr. Schiller. Who is he? The house doctor at the Flamingo in Las Vegas I never heard of him you never heard of Abe Schiller world famous neurologist and blackjack dealer Why? Alice we're not going to Las Vegas Now Phil, I don't care where you go as long as you behave yourself. Hey, Rem. Do you hear that? We can do whatever we want for two days. No family response of fellas. Yeah, no kids to look after no wife to report to Nobody to tell me when I come in when I go out. No What am I getting excited about? I'm single. I can do this anytime I want I Want to say Frankie? I don't want you to lead Phil into any of your bad habit Whatever do you mean? I don't I don't want you to show him how to gamble or teach him how to drink Teach him how to That's like trying to show Einstein how to add Don't worry, honey. Frankie's not gonna lead me astray because there's gonna be no drinking on this trip We're just gonna get in the car and ride along top down bottoms up. Here's mud On this trip, I think you wait a minute. Alice. This is my trip And I don't want to spoil by a wife telling me what to do for two days. Let's pretend we're not married All right, we'll do it your way starting right now We're not married Oh boy, I can't wait to get started on this trip. Hey, Alice, where are the keys to the car in my purse? Well, let me have them. I want to get the car out. Oh, I couldn't let you have the car Why not? It belongs to my husband. He's gone away for two days. You'll have to wait until he gets back and Keep the car. We don't need your old car anywhere. We'll use Frankie's car. That's okay with you, ain't it remly? Sure, that's okay with me, but we might have a little trouble getting it away from my partner Well, pardon seaboard finance company Then again, it seems like they always have it. Yeah, they're very repossessive. Yeah, no Look, we can't go any place without a car and we've got Oh, uh, Alice darling sorry stranger, but Alice we need a car Oh, won't you please? Well, I might let you have it if you do something for me Okay What do you want me to do? Ask me to sing All right Honey Will you please sing but only do one course we got to get started I only want what's the best thing for you and the best thing for you would be me I've been convinced after thinking it through that the best thing for you would be me Every day to myself point the way what will it be Ask myself What's the best thing for you And myself and I I know that I what's the best thing for you and the What'll it be for you and myself like the way you listen Oh for Pete's sake come on curly. I got a lot of friends one of them will lend us his car Curly I guess our trip's off Tried all my friends and none of them would loan me a car no wonder None of your friends owned a car Half of them didn't even have shoes They're not allowed to wear shoes in their business. It's unsanitary to press grape with your shoes on Oh, is that what it was I thought they were wearing purple socks Hey Remly we can't call this trip off. It ain't every day a married man gets a parole like this Look, we just got to get a car Hey curly look what in front of the market Julius is delivery truck Frankie What fool scheme have you got in your conniving little mind and remember you talk me into it That delivery truck would be perfect for a fishing trip. That's right, but there ain't no sense talking to that little goon He ain't gonna let you borrow nothing. He'd give you nothing Who said anything about asking him? Oh, we can't deliberately take it Suppose it was an accident Suppose we accidentally got in the truck and it accidentally started to roll down the hill And we couldn't stop it until it got to lake henshaw Wouldn't be our fault would it True Yeah, it is only one trouble. What's that? It ain't parked on a hill We can push it till we find one Remly, I think we should ask permission. No, no, that'll kill it We'll just borrow it and pay him for it when we get back now. Come on. No one's around. Let's get in a truck Hey remly, I don't know if we are well Wonder where the keys are Not in the ignition Look in the glove compartment curly They're not in the glove compartment Junior, what are you doing here? What am I? Truck? Ain't this the Fairfax bus? I love transfers. Don't you mr. Hess? All right. We're through with that routine. Oh, yeah I've been hiding in the back of the truck waiting for you guys Waiting how'd you know we were coming the Harris remly alarm went off What are you talking about as soon as you guys get within 50 feet of this block bell's ring lights flash and every Storekeeper is a waiting for a catastrophe What are you creeps up to now craze Well, we we want to go on a fishing trip and and we want to borrow your truck If you're on a lender to us, we won't be able to go. Oh, that's different fellas I know what fishing means for a guy because I like to fish myself Makes you feel good to get outdoors and forget the time well of everyday life So if you want my truck fellas, there's only one thing I can say what? Curly you hold him. Let me back the truck over him just Why waste the gas Look curly why bother asking the kid. Let's just take the truck. You can't do that fellas remember I got the key. Where've you got it? In that case, we'll just turn you upside down and shake it out of you I have to wait for me you guys grab a speed curly turn him upside down. Got him Shake him good Frank. Yeah, that's not remly. We're cracking the cement Don't get excited. What's the matter with you kid? Can't you take a joke? No sense of humor Remly did the key fall out of his mouth. Let me look Yeah, here's the key ring line No, these are his braces Julius won't you please let us take your truck We may go about things in the wrong way, but but Heat down kid We really love you. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you prove that every week I really like you guys since the proof there's no hard feelings. I'm gonna help you You're gonna let us have your truck. I can't let you have this one. It's brand new, but I can let you have our Oh truck. Oh gee. Thanks kid. Where is it? It's that black truck parked in front of this one Hey, Julius, we really appreciate this and I want you to stop the happen and drive it away before I change my mind Come on remly. We better go. Let's hurry You'll find the keys in the ignition. Have a nice vacation. Thanks again, Julius It'll be before the cops miss that patrol wagon This is phil again This year the red cross drive takes on a new and even greater importance The red cross must not only bear its responsibility for any civilian disasters It must also bear a new burden Preparedness for any or all demands in this continuing world crisis and the blood program is urgent for our wounded in korea Give red cross a bigger place in your budget this year. Thanks. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody This program is produced and directed by paul philip the part of frankie remley was played by elliott luis And julius was played by walter tetley theater guild presents a five star presentation later now had a hopper on nbc