 Item number SCP-001-J Object Class, EOV Special Containment Procedures SCP-001-J is under no circumstances to be allowed access to monetary gifts of any kind. Staff must relinquish all currency on their person before engaging in any interaction with SCP-001-J. The containment of SCP-001-J does not appear at this time to be attainable by the Foundation. However, due to SCP-001's apparent apprehension involving creditors, it may be possible to affect containment through such entities. More research is needed in this field. Description SCP-001-J is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipotent, omniporal entity named Michael Cain, who is the primary deity worshiped by a group of religious zealots calling themselves the Church of the Broke God. SCP-001-J wields great and terrible cosmic power while possessing a distinct and crippling lack of adequate financial planning skills. SCP-001-J requires a significant influx of cash money in order to pay, in its own words, the water bill, child support payments, bread, and some of the little hot dogs because protein is a must if you're just barely making ends meet. However, any amount of money given to SCP-001-J by any individual and for any reason will somehow mysteriously disappear, despite SCP-001-J's insistence that it was not spent on booze, cigarettes, and porno mags. Discovery SCP-001-J was discovered by O5-1 on a business trip to New York during an event later described by SCP-001-J as, �That time you totally contained me,� where O5-1 stopped SCP-001-J from stealing a bagel by shouting, �Hey, don't steal that bagel!� Ever since O5-1 offered to pay for SCP-001-J's bagel and gave him a few bucks for a cab, SCP-001-J has left no fewer than 17,000 voicemails on O5-1's phone, typically asking for money or in some cases talking at length about unrelated events before eventually asking for money. Addendum-001-J.1 Recording Voicemails The following voicemails were received by O5-1's office between April 20, 2017 and May 1, 2017. Notably, both the Global Occult Coalition and the Serpent's Hand also confirmed that SCP-001-J had called them asking for money during this time, while the Chaos Insurgency reported that SCP-001-J had called them but only burped into the phone for 15 seconds of the hung up. Hello! You've reached the office of O5-1. Please leave your name and your number, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Hey, Adam. It's me, Mike. Mike King, you know, from that one time you met when you contained me. Yeah, I know it wasn't a super great look, but, uh, hey, look at me now, huh? I got a whole congregation together and everything. So, that's great, uh, say, while I'm here, I was gonna ask you something. See, I'm really trying to put things back on track, you know? Get life moving in a positive direction. I wanna get some stuff, you know, to keep up appearances with a little short on scratch, you know? I know you probably got your own stuff going on, but, uh, if you could spare, like, a short-term loan of, like, $200, that'd be super, you know? You know I'm good for it, and absolutely good for it. Anyway, just give me a call back when you get a chance. Thanks again, buddy. 001J.2 Hello. You've reached the office of O5-1. Please leave your name and your number, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Adam, my man, what's happening? I haven't heard back from you yet, but I definitely still try to string together a few pennies, you know, pay off some bills, that sort of thing you didn't care of. Really, though, $200 might be a stretch, right? Because we've really only met that one time, and I know this seems pretty foreign. I get that. I do. So I'm thinking, really, if I could come over, like, $100, I would really get me settled, you know, one foot in the front and the other. You know? Try to make a change. I know you get me. Thanks again, my man. 001J.3 Hello. You've reached the office of O5-1. Please leave your name and your number, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Have you been talking to that GHC, son of a bitch? He doesn't know anything about me, Adam. Nothing. I don't even know his name. Look, I probably sounded drunk the other night, and you know what? Maybe I was. This whole thing is a process, right? It's just not going to happen all at once. I own that. I definitely own that, but look, I noticed that $100 would do it, but really, I'm just trying to come up with like, whatever I can. I'm supposed to take my kids, yeah, my kids. I'm supposed to take my kids to the kid museum? You can get me there for like $20. So if I could make that happen, I mean, me and you? That would be perfect. $20, right? Like, that's nothing. Anyway, hit me up, bro. 001J.4 Hello. You've reached the office of O5-1. Please leave your name and your number, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. All right, fine. You know what? I know you got me blocked or something, and I get that. I don't blame you. I'm calling from my cousin's Yabbi's place. He's a good dude, right? But I've got some guys I need to get paid, you know, who I borrowed some money from, and they've been pretty insistent about this whole thing. So at this point, really, anything would be perfect. Five bucks even. Whatever you got laying around on your desk, you know, anything I could give these guys. So give me a ring there, homie. That would be great. 001J.5 Hello. You've reached the office of O5-1. Please leave your name and your number, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Adam. I know you're there. Pick up the phone, Adam. Come on. It's your old pal, Mike. Remember the good times we had that one time? I was seriously in a pinch here, my man, and if you've got like cans or scrap metal laying around, I could take off your hands. That would be fine. Plastic bottles even. I got a guy who will give me 15 cents per pound of dryer lint. I know you guys do a lot of laundry. Come on, man. You know I'm good for it. I'm totally good for it. I'm seriously about that dryer lint. Hello.