 I've not seen anything from the full spot before. Did they just make autism content? Autism content, interesting. I have not seen them before. Ooh, it's getting very big on YouTube. Okay, let's go for it. And romantic relationships. If you guys enjoy watching videos, bringing awareness to near-divergency ADHD and autism, please give this video a like and subscribe to my channel to stay up to date for any new videos in the future. So I thought it would be interesting for me to come on here and talk about some of the patterns and characteristics I noticed with myself when it comes to dating and romantic relationships. I've talked so many times about friendships and what friendships can be like, but I haven't really talked about romantic relationships and dating it. So I thought it would be super interesting for me to come on here, talk about those four to five characteristics that I wrote down and see if anyone else out there with autism can relate to having these sort of patterns as well. And of course, not all autistic people are the same. There are going to be people out there who are autistic and do not relate to the things that I've experienced and my own characteristics. This video. I can't find anyone I like who is in real life. Yeah, I get that. It'd be great if we had autistic people had this, I don't know, this lens on our eyes that we could spot over autistic people to go and chat to them. Be a cool world. Not if everybody had it. That would be a really bad thing. Would not like that. It's just for me to speak on how I tend to go about things so that others out there who can relate to me can have a safe space to feel less alone and resonate with another person. If you are enjoying this video so far, don't be afraid to donate by hitting that hard thanks button down below. The full spot. You haven't starred yet. Come on. Okay, so the first characteristic that I really notice and is something I've noticed for a while now is that I tend to have a reverse honeymoon when I date someone new. And so what does this reverse honeymoon mean? I feel like when I think about the honeymoon phase, I think about you meet someone new, you're dating them, maybe you're even in a relationship. The beginning parts of knowing this person is very euphoric. It's very new, stimulating, and it's very enjoyable for the both of you. I feel like how we usually see relationships depicted is with this honeymoon phase. I don't know if it's very normalized across the board, but I personally have never experienced this honeymoon phase. If anything, I feel like I have that reverse honeymoon phase where the beginning parts of meeting someone new, dating them, is the hardest part, I feel like. And let me explain why. When issues come up, I feel like people have a tendency to not address it immediately. We are kind of taught to try our best to self-regulate through it or maybe even vent about it to a friend or family member, but to not necessarily address it with the other person because I feel like we're not really taught to problem-solve very well because it's seen as confrontational. It's also an early days, and what we know from dating nowadays is that it's very easy just to hop on the apps, find someone else if something just comes up and you're not totally okay with it, and you're just like, I'll just give it a miss. It'll be someone else. That's, I think. I do. I don't think I experience any form of a honeymoon period. I definitely did when I was younger. Nowadays, I don't really have that experience really. It's definitely exciting and obviously nice to meet someone new. Explore whether you're going to be a good match for each other. It might be somewhat a bit anxiety-provoking at times. Kind of a rollercoaster, I guess. The best experiences that I've had with dating is when people are just open and direct. If someone's like that and it's just an easy-going thing, if people are not like that nowadays, if there's this whole game atmosphere to a situation, or it's just way too much, I tend not to try and invest too much, because it can be very hard to find someone who gets you, but you can tell very quickly if someone's a direct person or not. That tends to be a good thing for me, because I find that the direct communication aspect to it is really important. I'm sure there was a woman who was interested in me in the past, but I missed my opportunity due to autism. Yeah, I cannot tell if someone's flirting with me, if someone's interested in me. It's just not something that I register. They have to like, again, be direct. Do you want to go out on a date? Do you want to do this? I like you. You look good. I like your personality. Someone says those things. I'm like, oh, okay. Now I can actually consider dating this person. Jane said it's the same as a girl, but guys thought I wasn't interested, because I didn't pick up on their chat over routine. Yeah, and it's just dating at the moment. I could go on it forever. There are many different women who have flirted with me, but it all went over my head, totally. I actually got a lot of situations when I was younger. I waited to start drinking until I was 18, and at that point, I started going out, drinking with friends. No real intention in that way, because I'm not into the whole hookup culture thing. It's not for me. It's just not something that I like the thought of or enjoy. But yeah, I mean, there was a lot of situations where people were in their mind, from my friends looking in, were flirting with me, and I just wouldn't pick up on any of it. And I just wouldn't obviously start flirting back or do anything like that. So people just thought I was gay. That was the most common response that I got if I was talking to someone who was talking to me, like a girl who was talking to me. I was just not reciprocating any of this flirting, but still talking to them. And they were like, oh, you're gay. Like I'm, no, I'm not. I'd be cool, but no. You live it too long, real bad luck. I think there's probably less women interested in me now than when I was in my 20s. Yeah, it's tough. I have perfectly integrated in my boyfriend's routine. We're having such a good time together and we found it funny how much we have in common. That's really good. I'm really glad to hear that, Angela. Being as being critical of another person. And of course, when you're dating someone new, you don't want to make them feel like you're criticizing them or you're pointing out something that they're doing that is wrong or they're doing something that hurts you. You don't want to bring that negative energy to them right off the bat. And so we're kind of taught when issues come up in the beginning to keep putting them on a shelf somewhere and address it later on if it keeps becoming an issue. The problem with that. I think if you're doing that, as long as you're not like, the issue is like they're not giving you enough attention. Like if you're being needy towards them, then that's probably not a good thing to confront them on. But if it's an actual thing, a mismatch in your life path or you want to have kids, the other person doesn't, you want to have a long-term relationship, the other person's moving away. It's actually a good thing to bring up negative things in this situation because you both should be on an even playing field in terms of this. It doesn't work if one person's more interested in the other and the other's not really bothered. It never leads to a really good, happy, long-term relationship from experience but also from listening to other people's testimonials. It's not a good thing. And actually going up and talking to them about negative things, it's important. It's not as much of a killer of the dating experience that you're having with this person as you would think. Human life relationships, they're not all plain sailing. And if you can just be honest and direct and upfront about things, that setting you want to have a very fruitful relationship because you'll be good at communicating with each other because you're doing it right off the bat. You're kind of building that resentment again and again and it gets a little bit more intense every single time. And one day you're going to have a bad day. And this goes for anyone. This isn't just with autistic individual. But I feel like one day you're not going to be having a good day or that resentment is going to be building up for a while now and it will blow up in another way. Of course not everyone is like this. I think there are definitely probably people out there who are so well emotionally regulated that they are able to compartmentalize those issues, put it on a bookshelf and then when the time finally comes, they could bring it up later in a way that's very calm. And they're able to address those issues with the other person in a calm manner. But that is a good distinction to make because that is usually the way that you should do it. You don't want to be, sometimes the way that you phrase it, like if you've been calm and you're just being open and honest and you're not trying to play these weird games of people or power plays or things like that. Like people can tell that you're just being open and honest about things and if they can't and they think that is that it's probably like in that space in their life where they are doing those things. Mary Pham says, I give up on dating because it's mostly mind games and power struggles. It's too complicated for me. I like things simple. Nowadays, there are so many theories like attachment styles. Complimentary viewers, illegitimate styles. It's too much for me to process and figure out. Yeah. I mean, wouldn't be so easy if you could just be direct and communicate with people. I'm not saying you, I'm just saying if people will like that and be like, hey, you're attractive. You seem like you have a complementary personality. Let's go on a date. Oh, you don't like that. Okay, we won't do that. You like that. Okay, we'll do that. I'm going to text you in a like timely manner. I like you. Do you like me? Yes. No. I agree. Mary is complicated. It is it is complicated. And it's, to be honest, the main issue that I have with dating is texting. I hate it. If like someone that I'm seeing would just be like, hey, let's call once a week and have a chat. Or like, let's go out once a week and see each other. And then just perhaps not text so much or not try to have like really deep conversations over texts that can be misinterpreted and don't have any tone indicators or emojis attached to them. That would be great. The attachment style theory is interesting. It feels like that's how it was when we were a caveman. We're about, I like you. Let's become friends. Yeah. It's the same with friends as well. Like, do you want to be my friend? It's like, oh, you will get turned off by that stuff nowadays. It's like, oh, you're investing too much in me. It's like, no. Let's see if we can be friends. Most of the time I feel like people are not like that because we're human and we're not perfect. A big part of my autism is that when something comes up in the moment and it's something that bothers me, it's something that I notice and I think is important, I don't really think it's helpful and I don't like to put that on the bookshelf and to compartmentalize for later to a certain extent. There are moments where I will do that because that very moment is not the right time to bring something up like that and that's for my own discernment. When I'm kind of observing a situation and I'm working through my head, like, is this a good time to bring this up? Are we even going to probably sort through this right now or should I save this for another time? But for the most part, I cannot compartmentalize when something happens in the moment and it's hurtful to me. I pretty much need to address it right away and talk it through with the other person. When I do this, I am not meaning to have an argument or confrontation or anything negative. I genuinely view it as a moment for me to be vulnerable, to be open and for us to talk about this together with respect for one another. And that's, you know, as our same thought, being open and vulnerable, you know? Now everything has to be a power play, confrontation, argument, you know? And a lot of the time, if the person's interested in you and they're also kind of in the same headspace, they do direct communicate with you and stuff like that, then, you know, it's not going to be like this blow up kind of volcano moment. And if it does become a blow up volcano moment, and it's a very, very innate thing, obviously a red flag. We must return to monkey. We've become too smart and complex for our good. Well, I mean, to be honest, like monkeys, they practically live on in direct communication. I think I'd struggle in the monkey society. I think very much like the room room is the direct communication style. It's quite a higher brain kind of thing. I suppose they're very like over with their communication. It could be right. In hopes of them understanding me and also for us to figure out a way to learn from the situation and improve moving forward so that I'm not continually getting hurt and they are aware of how their actions affect me. But because I feel like people are not used to this type of dynamic happening right off the bat in the beginning. And when I say in the beginning, I will say honestly, when I first meet someone new and I'm dating them consistently, this type of reverse honeymoon phase pretty much comes up within the first month of us being consistently talking to one another. That's when I have a good idea of what their patterns are, how certain things they do and say affect me. And that is a time where I could notice when it begins to happen in the moment. And that's when I really want to address it and talk about. I don't know if this is a reverse honeymoon phase. I think this is just like having a very short honeymoon phase, like maybe that's the case, I guess it could be. No, I just think I think some people just get caught up in the emotion of it, especially if it's with someone who kind of does take you on an emotional roller coaster. That can happen. But I mean, my past relationship, like you could probably say that the honeymoon phase was pretty much for the entirety of it. Up until the point where kind of things, you know, didn't really line up and things kind of fizzled out and all that, but that wasn't, I wouldn't say that there was actually like a honeymoon phase involved. I think it depends on the person, you know, if you've got things going on in your life, you've got friends to hang out with, you've got work to do, you've got hobbies that you really want to spend your time doing. Like, it doesn't really happen, you know, it only happens when you feel like this person is going to be your entire life just immediately, you know. I think definitely being upfront and telling people about negative things that they do that you don't like, maybe not on the first date, but definitely like there's nothing wrong with it, you know, and if they react badly, it's they're probably not the right person for you. You know, you want someone who does like to communicate with you and be open and vulnerable. It's a really good quality set of qualities to have, you know. Paley says one time that my partner 26 years ago, dating suddenly felt easy. We were and still are not good at flirting. We connected over our odd sense of humor. That's good to hear, I'm glad. So you have your partner 26 years, wow. That's what I mean, you know, you find the person, you know. And sometimes it's immediate that you found someone who's like that because you'll message them and they'll like message you in a timely manner, like a human being, like not be afraid too much to share things about themselves, show that they're interested in you, you know. They can be few and far between, but if you find people like that, it's, you know, it just tend to go quite well. It's just, you know, try not to be too needy and try to kind of respect that they've got their own life going on. You might not be the most, the largest priority in their life. They may have a lot of stuff going on in the background that you don't know about. You've got to be respectful about people's time and attention as well. This could be very intense for another person to experience because one, they're not used to it. And two, we end up being a mirror of sorts to another person. If they're not ready to face that mirror and to have us reflect something back to them, that may not always be positive and amazing. It could be a very intense experience for them because they might not be ready for it and they might not have practice facing themselves in that mirror very often. That's actually something they might avoid, which is something I will get into when I go over the other traits. And so in the beginning, that might come across as why am I having so many issues with Irene? Why are things just not smooth? She's already pointing out things that I'm doing wrong or it seems like I'm never doing something right or why do I always find us having these more serious conversations right off the bat? This is something I feel like would happen maybe two years into a relationship or so. I think it's important for- I think there definitely is like a nuance around it. You know, the way that they're explaining it, it does kind of feel like that would be a lot for some people. You know, I get that. A good remedy for that is if people do stuff that you like, tell them that you really like it, you admire it, you respect it, you like it. A lot of time, people don't get a lot of positive reinforcement about things. You know, you can have lots of situations. You know, people start going to the gym. You know, I always work really hard at the gym, put a lot of effort and time and like fought into it. It only takes like one person to kind of come up and say like, you're looking good. Or like when I went to the Comic-Con convention, people were like, your arms are huge. I'm like, really? Never heard that before in my life. Did not, did not realize at all. But it only took one person to say that. And I was like, oh my God, I do? Wow. Validation. So saying the negatives, true. But if it is all negatives, you know, I can see why that might grate on people. It might become a little bit difficult. But that's why it's important to respect and highlight positive things. You know, hi, Irene. Welcome back. Did you finish watching the episode or did you watch like one of the clips? For me and those who relate to me to know that this is a pattern because I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. I think it's important for us to be aware that this is how we like to connect to other people in romantic relationships. But what I want to say is a good positive outcome of having the reverse honeymoon phase is it sets right off the bat the expectation for honesty. And if you and the other person are actually really good at communicating and problem solving together, then it actually makes the relationship easier because it builds that vulnerable connection right off the bat. And it also gives you guys an opportunity to address potential issues or it's had a lot of time to get worse and worse. What that ultimately means is in the long term, if you guys do end up sticking together, the relationship actually gets easier with time and you guys actually understand each other a lot better in time. And there's a lot more collaboration and overall more peaceful coexistence. And that's why I like to call this the reverse honeymoon phase is because the relationship with the other person was very difficult and had a lot of issues in the beginning, but it actually tapered off into a very peaceful existence near the end. And that is what you want. Like we talk a lot about it's got to be exciting all the time and you've got to be taken on adventures all the time and you've got to feel this intense passion and love all the time. And relationships to a certain extent, they are an exchange of favors that you do each other. Like it sounds a bit horrible and perhaps cold to speak about it in that way, but marriages, you know, things like that, they, you know, it was very much like, it's very much a new thing, the whole like romance thing in human civilisations, human culture. Even in a lot of countries actually, you know, marriage is not seen to be like this, this thing about love. I mean, I think it's good to, you know, feel connected to somebody. But the nature of love, like the ultimate expression of love, is completely unconditional. So that would mean if it's right for the other person to not be with them, if you're causing them pain, if you're causing them difficulty. Perhaps the way that you show love in its truest form is to not be with them. But, you know, a relationship, it is an exchange of time and intention and validation, sometimes experiences, be having a partnership interdependence, you know. And you want to feel calm and serene in a relationship. And, you know, a lot of people these days, they chase that kind of rollercoaster of emotion, you know. Love is patient. Love is kind of forgives. I believe this. Sometimes it hurts. Yeah, well, I mean, those are just what I mean. It's like relationships are inherently selfish for both parties. Like you've got to get something from a relationship, like living together with somebody, sharing a life. Like you've got to be additive to each other's life in some way, which is not unconditional love to a certain extent. But again, like love is such a subjective word, it means a lot to different people. So me explaining it in this way might not be coming across in the way that I mean it. Just because of the word that I'm using, you know. Oddly, your name means peace. That's cool. Very nice. Definitely noticed within myself. And before I knew that this was a pattern and before I knew I was autistic, I definitely didn't like that I was this way because I always thought to myself, why do I always sabotage relationships? Why do relationships always have to go wrong within the first few months because I'm so intense? And now that I have the diagnosis and I'm learning about my autism and reflecting on my relationships, I could really see that it's not a matter of me sabotaging relationships. It's a matter of me kind of fast forwarding a relationship's outcome that would have ultimately happened and played out anyways. Something that I've heard a lot from people that I've dated is that they have never opened up to another person the ways that they have opened up to me. And they've also told me many times before that they have never opened up to someone that quickly as they have to me. And I feel like this happens because I kind of command and create the space for another person to be vulnerable. That is something I need because that is how I learn about their patterns, who they are, and why they do what they do. I feel like this creates a very intense experience because you are being very vulnerable with each other. You are being very honest. Sometimes I figure out I'm not compatible with someone and I'm the one to break it off. But in other times, I feel like the other person thinks the relationship is too intense, too vulnerable. And so they want to take a step back, distance themselves from me because it's too intense. Usually it's not because they want to break off. It's usually because they want to slow down and I'm the one to ultimately break it off because I don't want to slow things down or the other person ultimately. Sounds very much like the whole anxious first avoidant attachment style kind of mix, you know. I think it's important. I would say actually it is quite important to give people time if they need it. You know, not everybody feels able to move that quickly with things. Adela says, I love listening to music for hours with my boyfriend. We both don't like constantly going on dates in big crowds. We do that sometimes and it works for us. Same. That's kind of like the ideal for me, you know. It's not all got to be this crazy extraverted adventure every weekend. Irene says, yes, I broke up with so many people or stayed with people for the wrong reasons. Yeah, and it's not something that's really taught to us. You know, and it's a lot of the time it's based on past experiences, what we've learned from other people, our parents, you know, seeing other relationships. I think there's a really important thing that the thought spot was getting at, which I think we could probably talk about a bit more. There's this idea of modeling versus mirroring. I heard it from a Utopic of Matthew Hussie, who does some relationship dating coaching stuff, primarily for women. I just wanted to, I guess, have a bit more of an overview of the dating relationship things, you know, so that I could talk about it in kind of the autism context. But most people nowadays are very, very, very happy to mirror, you know, mirroring how someone's acting towards you. If they're acting a certain way, you mirror it. You know, if they don't text you a lot, you don't text them a lot. If they're not very open with you, you're not very open with them. That's the idea of mirroring. And sometimes you can get situations, which I feel like you get a lot with dating nowadays, but people just mirror each other to the point where it just doesn't go anywhere, you know. And it can be useful sometimes, you know, because the kind of the flip side of that is modeling, which is what the Thought Spot was talking about. You're modeling being open, vulnerable with another person. And hopefully that person, like they were saying, mirrors you and, you know, mirrors the modeling that you've done. And hopefully they model something and you mirror them. If they don't, I understand that the words, like the concepts, very complicated. There's a lot of different dynamics ways of thinking about it, things like that. But basically, you want to try and model things in relationships now and again. If they reciprocate and they mirror you, then you continue doing that. If they don't, then you go back to mirroring them again, because it might not be that they're ready for that or they're open to it, or you just stop talking to them. You know, there's those options. Some people do need time. Some people have bad experiences, especially when we are adults, perhaps a little bit older maybe. We can carry a lot of emotional baggage, different coping mechanisms, defensiveness, you know. So it's important to be aware of that and not to be too harsh and critical and like, right, this is not working if you try and model something and they don't reciprocate. It could just mean that they need a bit of time, you know. They might still be thinking about what you mean to them, what you could be to them, you know. We all exist on different kind of scales with things, you know. You might really like them and then maybe not too sure or it might be the opposite. Love should be mutually beneficial. It's not selfish to need or want this, totally. My experience with the church defines loving a very unhealthy way, self-sacrifice, and giving till it hurts is encouraged. Well, that is the base idea of like love, but you know, loving the way that you're saying about it in terms of like a romantic relationship. Yes, I agree with you. It is sick. I always like the idea of sessing people up, but they very rarely work out long term. Yeah, and I think sometimes some people are looking for that kind of chemistry, that spark, that emotional excitement, that roller coaster, and they don't get it from people and their friends own them when they could actually just be really, really good partners for them. I had that experience. I set my best friend up with someone and they've been like, they're married and they've like, at home and stuff. So it's, you know, it definitely does work, you know. I'm an aggressive person. I would take you five million times, but also shut down. It creates a very codependent toxic relationship. I will not talk to you for six months. Don't birds make this way? Maybe. I mean, we are animals, you know. As he says, I have a lot of emotional baggage. Well, we as autistic people, we do tend to carry with us a lot of negative experiences, you know. So it's understandable. It's about how you deal with it and not put it on to the person that you're seeing, you know. That's another important thing, you know. You've got to, and I think a lot of autistic people, we do have quite a good level of self-awareness. It's important to have that, to be honest, to communicate and be vulnerable. Figures out that the connection is way too intense, and that is not something they're willing to do, which is completely fine. Everyone is free to make their own decisions. I feel like in the past, I would look at people who have been in these long, steady relationships, like six plus years with someone. I would look at them and feel very envious because I thought that those long-term relationships was indicative of how worthy they were as a person, how well-regulated they were, and how good they were doing for themselves. That could be the case in some situations, but I come to realize that for the most part, a lot of the times people in long-term relationships are actually deeply unfulfilled and have a lot of resentment that they've carried over because in order to maintain peace with another person that they may not be compatible with, they had to really put themselves and their needs on the back burner in so many different instances. And over time what happens is they become numb to a certain extent. All right, so the next pattern that I noticed within myself is that breakups can feel... I feel... It's very, very, very... It's a thing, you know? I think I've had situations where I have kind of modeled being vulnerable and being open about things and expressing what I want from a partner. And it's just not something that they've done... Like they've tried to do for any length of time. And that that's the times where I think, you know, I've been like, yeah, we should probably break up because it's important to know what your partners' needs are and kind of respect that and, you know, try and meet them. And if they have any needs, you should ask them, ask them, you know, is there anything I can do better? Is there anything that you like that I do that you don't like? Obviously, we all have our own different boundaries with things. But it's important to be honest. In college, Inga Slate 102, we read a story called The Things They Carried. It's a war story about what people carried and why then the emotional baggage what brought in. Everyone carries different things for different reasons. You'd be invulnerable and they didn't really bother communications point. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's not necessarily like... I think one of the issues that I think could be related towards them is the mental health aspect of things. Because, you know, I find to be open and vulnerable all the time about things even, you know, with stuff online as I do. You know, I quite often, if people ask me how I am, I'll say I'm not doing good if I'm in a bad severe depressive kind of state period of time. And it's not always fun. And people kind of get used to it, I think. Or they sometimes they forget that you're autistic or they choose to ignore that you're autistic or they talk to a neurotypical who doesn't get autism, you know. It's important to be... Yeah, it's important. And I do, I am honest. It's just, you know, sometimes people just want to say yes to things because they think that it's not good and they don't want to say no. Or they say yes and then they just forget. You know, and then that's one of the things about long-term relationships. Because you should have that kind of growth mindset with things because no relationship is perfect, no person is perfect. If perfect could exist, it would probably be extremely boring. It would all be robots. I am too, because I don't like to lie. That's not just me. I'm just honest or avoid. Hello Austin. How are you doing, bro? Welcome to the stream. I feel very, very excruciating to me. And it's not necessarily because I miss the other person or I don't want the breakup to happen. This one is something that I've been really reflecting on when I got diagnosed with the autism. Breakups have always felt so scary and intense. And I could never really pinpoint why it was because sometimes I would feel that same intensity of overwhelm breaking up with someone that I didn't necessarily like at all or even enjoyed being with. Now that I'm diagnosed with the autism, I have come to realize that it's because breakups to me is change and change is what was so overwhelming. I think that this is really interesting to reflect on because I imagine that autistic people out there who resonate with me and resonate with that fear of breakup or fear of change can really understand how it feels to want to avoid a breakup because you don't want to deal with the change that comes with it and you don't want to deal with not just losing a person but losing the life that you've built and the experience of life that you've gotten used to with this other person in your life. I feel like- And that's one of the scary things about breakups because totally, like our brain can't distinguish between losing someone versus not speaking to someone. Like if you have a breakup with someone and it's like a clean break and you don't talk, your brain experiences that as a loss, like you get the oxytocin withdrawal, you do have the aspect of transitions and change which is really hard. If you're in a neurodivergent relationship, there might be some things that the partner does for you that you really struggle with and you kind of lose the skills that you had before the relationship and you have to like build it up after. So it's a very intense experience. It's an important thing if it, you know, you've got to work on things and you've got to be patient and you've got to look at it from kind of a long-term perspective. You don't want to be like a just kind of instinctual like let's break up kind of thing. But if it doesn't feel right over the long term, then I get it. And that's where the communication and the honesty and the vulnerability comes in as important because that means that you might be able to fix things if you communicate about it. You don't want to break up, you know, like out of resentment because you didn't tell that person something that upset you about them until the last second and then ended. So it's not a good way to deal with things, you know. I dated a guy in high school so long for so long so I didn't have to date anyone else. I got pregnant and I didn't want to date other people. I get you. That's another thing. The dating, it can be very stressful, annoying, disappointing. You know, if you're going to go back into that. Seeing a lot of chat about astrology science, I have a podcast that I did on autism and spirituality and Buddhism with Emily Robin Clark, she's like a movie writer person. Really cool. We might do a Instagram live at one point, which is going to like do my tarot reading and my astrology chart and stuff. I have to be honest, it's not something that I, as a very hardcore atheist scientist person, I'm not very into that kind of thing. But I think it could be fun, you know. And I think it's sometimes having astrology readings, things like that. It can offer you some things to think about in terms of where you're going in life. Suggestions, I guess, that you wouldn't really have. I'm an Aquarius on the cusp of Pisces. You do cut, you do cut tarot cards. Interesting. Being an autistic adult, life is experienced so vividly because we are so sensitive with our sensory experience and when you are in a relationship with another person, that is such an intimate and close relationship that shapes how you experience life in so many different ways. You not only now have to think about losing this other person and the emotional weight of that, but you also have to think about all the different ways your life now has to change with this person out of your life. How are your friendships going to feel different and change? How is your career going to feel different now? How is your personal life going to feel different? How is dating or being single going to feel like moving forward? And these are all such big changes that happens with a breakup which could feel so sudden. There's no transitions usually when it comes to breakups. Usually when breakups happen it's just a pretty big shift and a lot of the times because that is such a big change that happens so fast with no transitions, I think autistic individuals, at least speaking for myself, I may either try avoiding a breakup in general or when you go through a breakup you feel a very intense sense of anxiety that might send you into a spiral in other aspects of your life. I feel like breakups are really not fun for autistic people and a lot of the times it's not even like an emotional experience. It could just be like a very deep sense of physical pain and discomfort with all these like familiarities now having to be ripped from under you. It's almost like you have to build a new life for yourself which feels so... It's like restarting, you know. And a lot of people kind of post breakup they try and get into something else because it's just easier to start building something with someone else rather than learn to be happy of yourself, feel comfortable, go out, date. If the right person comes along, it's our relationship. You know that would be the ideal way of doing it, but you know. It's not always the case. Like I mean definitely like I think for most of my experience with relationships and dating I was very much like a serial monogamist kind of type. You know, it was very difficult for me to be single. I just don't like didn't like it. Like didn't feel whole, you know. And I think it's sometimes it's good to feel those negative emotions to process things, to establish yourself as yourself. And then if things feel right, become a bit more interdependent. Because although that is a sense of vulnerability because when it ends, you know, you are left without these parts that this other person is helping you with. But it is definitely like a worthwhile investment if you feel like that person is right for you, you know. That's why I think taking things a bit slower than what the thought spot is talking about is sometimes quite important, you know. You got to be sure about things about this person. Gemini Aquarius both hair signs. Can I say a random story is something that made my heart happy. I know Aquarius like things kept simple, they hit over complicated stuff. Yeah. I mean, someone told me that I experience a lot of the pain in the world from being an Aquarius. But also the Pisces aspect of like not being aware of it and then experiencing it like a lot as like being on the coast of the Pisces. I don't know. It's interesting to talk about. I mean, as I said, it's not really something like that. It really catches most of my attention. But it's cool to talk about it, you know. I'm happy to try about it. Scary, even though sometimes it could be such a beautiful experience. It's that initial breakup and getting used to the breakup. The factors that come with it that is just so intense for us. And so my heart goes out to all my autistic viewers who have gone through hard breakups or are going through a breakup right now. I understand how difficult that time could be. Really take it easy on yourself and know that this too shall pass. And how you are now as a single person or whether you're putting yourself back out there to date again. That will become your new normal soon enough and you will get used to it. And it won't feel this horrible much longer. And kind of piggybacking on top of that concept. I've noticed that when it comes to breakups, what helps me as an autistic adult with breakups is having transitional points to lead up to an ultimate breakup. So what does that mean? I feel like in the past, my experiences with breakups have been very sudden and quick, which is usually kind of how breakups go. But with my last partner, we went through a transitional breakup that took many months that led up to an ultimate breakup. And this is the first time I tried this out. And this is also the first time I was diagnosed with autism within our relationship. And so I learned a lot of new things about how I tend to be within relationships and also what works best for me. And so what I came to realize is that when it comes to breaking up and knowing that you and another person are just not going to work out moving forward, there's no compromise that can happen. And you both know you want to break up. It doesn't necessarily mean a breakup is going to be easy for you. And so with my ex partner and I, what we did is we had multiple conversations about the breakup, what that would mean. And we had time to almost like emotionally and also physically detach from each other in these increments. So that when the ultimate breakup did happen, it didn't feel as intense and as drastic as it may have in the past. And so it was a lot easier for me to cope with the changes that came with being single again. And it only really took- That would be the ideal. I think this only works when the feeling is mutual. If the feeling is not mutual, like sometimes having this transitional thing like let's just be friends, let's talk, let's keep in contact but fade it out a little bit, that can actually be worse for the person who doesn't want to break up. Sometimes just having a clean break, it's needed in some situations because you don't want to leave people with unnecessary hope for things, sometimes it's not necessarily- It is a negative thing that you are doing to somebody if they don't want to break up with you and you do. So dragging it on sometimes not the best thing. But if it's something that's mutual, like in this situation that ThoughtSpot's talking about, makes sense. Give me like two weeks of being somewhat depressed to finally get over that initial overwhelm and become used to my new normal, which was being single at the time. I feel like a lot of the times because of how autism is and because of the social deficits, we have a hard time masking, we have a hard time hiding things, lying, stuff like that. And so what that means is we tend to be very blunt, is that a super chat? Do I have a super chat? Is that a super chat or is that- You know you can, the membership thing, it's like 99p. It's probably cheaper than a super chat and then you get like a little, what is that, infinity symbol next to your name, like Mr. Austin Henshaw has I think Angela has as well. I understand. It's a membership thing, so it's like a monthly thing, but yeah, I've got like a 99p one and like a four pound one, so you're very welcome to- I tried to put it as low as possible because, oh thank you, thank you Irene, I much appreciate. Welcome to the Autie Legion. Is that the 99p one? Where's that there? Hey, you got your red infinity. Very cool. I really appreciate that Irene. It really helps me because I am very much loving the whole streaming thing and I really want to do more of that and it really does help me a lot. So it makes it more financially viable for me to do this kind of thing. Thank you. To be very confrontational, we tend to be very brutally honest, and I've done this in the past, we can choose to mask within relationships to be less confrontational, less blunt and more easily digestible, but what that means is we're constantly going to fight this specific type of burnout because you're not being your authentic self within a relationship and you have to now operate in your relationship as if it was a job because you have to turn on that part of your brain that isn't natural to you. That isn't really sustainable for you to operate in that sort of thing. The thing is that only happens for me in relationships that are not good for me. If they're good for me, they're direct and honest and vulnerable, you don't really need to do that. I don't really feel like I have to mask. I know some people just do it like unintentionally, especially if they don't know if they're autistic or not. Yeah, but eat, eat. I am a fan of symphonies, snap your fingers. The way within a relationship. So how natural and authentic you are within the relationship is directly correlated with how good of a relationship the other person has to being honest with themselves. This is something that I think a lot of autistic people should look out for when we are dating someone else or dating in general. Is this person able to handle the truth? Is this person able to be honest with themselves? And how much do they hide from the truth? How much do they hide from their own truth? I feel like a lot of the times when someone isn't honest with themselves and when someone makes a conscious effort to hide from being honest with themselves and others, it's pretty safe to say that you probably wouldn't get along with them or if you do, it'll come at a cost to your own well-being and you will ultimately hit multiple burnouts, maybe even meltdowns and shutdowns. Whether or not. The indirect communication issues just building up the resentment, the negative feelings that are not expressed but you can see in your partner. That's a tough thing and sometimes people just don't want to open up about it even if you ask them. It definitely takes me a while if there is an issue in a relationship to fully digest and process whether that is something that is an issue. But that's only because I don't want to bring something up if it's a problem with me. Or at least if it is something that bothers me and it's something that I recognize as something that's not totally the best quality in myself, I will be honest about that too. I would say that I fall quite... We were talking about attachment styles earlier, I probably fall quite heavily into the avoidant attachment style but that's something that I'm actually trying to work on. Anyone that I do date, I always try to let them know it's not something that I'm working on and I do sometimes pull away but I'm trying not to and I recognize that this is my issue thing that I'm trying to work through. So that's another thing. But again, the level of self-reflection, it's like if you have someone who's very self-aware of themselves, they understand themselves, it's going to be so much easier to have a good relationship with them because they know what they want, they know the ways that they can be negative and making you aware of that and talking through it is obviously going to mitigate the impact of it alongside honesty, communication, that's obviously a big thing. You are compatible with someone, whether or not you see eye to eye with someone is one thing but the baseline foundation that we need with another person when it comes to relationships and honestly in friendships as well is how honest can they be to themselves because if they have a good relationship with honesty, then you guys can kind of work through anything even if you guys are to disagree Why am I on your profile picture smokes? Interesting. Irons says I'm always 100% authentic if I care. I feel this lady, sorry I don't know her name, she is authentic, she's been vulnerable and honest, totally. That's what we love. You feel like home here, I am glad. Much love going on in the chat. But heads in certain ways but if they are not honest with themselves you guys will never truly work through anything which is not good you know no matter who I choose to be with from here on out they need to have a good relationship with honesty it doesn't necessarily have to mean that that relationship is completely solid because we're not perfect people right but at least they have to be open to deepening their relationship with honesty as they're with me but yes now we are at the end of the video I hope this helped some of you learn more and more about yourself and maybe even express what you go through and if I was helpful in doing so and you find yourself relating a lot to my content becoming a member is not only a great way to support me but it's also a great way for you to get more of your needs met Thank you guys for watching today's video Much love, stay present, bye guys And thank you the full spot for this awesome video very much needed I think it's lovely to see like creators who are just so I don't know I open honest like willing to admit their flaws willing to admit like the things that they're not great at because social media sometimes like can be this kind of weird alternate universe where people are just they're wanting so hard to put out a certain like asphatic or like personality or look and into the world that they craft and they just really want to stick to it and they want to be like this higher person you know but they're not nobody's like that you know when we see a lot you know if you have people who are kind of a bit preachy something comes out about them you know it's like a stark contrast and that's not good and we need more people like the full spot so thank you very much for that that is dating as an autistic person by the full spot go give them a sub like like that video if you if you want to very very good appreciate that