 Hi, this is Bob Hope, and the Golden Days of Radio. Hi, this is Frank Brezee inviting you to join me for the Golden Days of Radio, great moments from radio programs of the past with the world's most famous personalities. On this program, we are continuing with our salute to Bob Hope as we present the radio adaptation of his motion picture, Sarafo Jones. The Hollywood Radio Theater. The Hollywood Radio Theater. Adaptations of famous motion pictures. With Hollywood's greatest star. Here is your host, Frank Brezee. Greetings again, ladies and gentlemen. From Paris to Pego Pego, there's hardly a man, woman, or child now alive who hasn't seen or heard Bob Hope. And for millions of ex-GIs, Bob will always be remembered as the man who brought a touch of comedy to Korea and a touch of excitement to Europe. Bob traveled the world and entertained more than any other comedian. When in Hollywood, he would stop off just long enough to do a radio show and this time a radio version of his Paramount picture, Sarafo Jones. And co-starring with him is the lovely and talented actress who made the picture such a success, Lucille Ball. Bob proved that people all over the world always appreciate top entertainment. And now act one of Sarafo Jones, starring Bob Hope in the title role of Sarafo, Lucille Ball as Gladys and little Mary Jane Saunders as Martha. This is a love story. The story of Sarafo Jones, who fell in love with money at the age of six. They've been going steady ever since. In Midtown, New York, just off Broadway, there's a barber shop. Oh no, our hero is not a barber. He does his clipping in the back of the barber shop. It's called a horse room. And if the police knew about it, they'd close it up. Because betting on horses, except that the race track, is against the law. Aren't you guys getting lined in line? Snap out of it, boss. Dreamy Joe won. We gotta play on pizza. I feel awful, Dreamy Joe. What right does a horse like that got to win a race? He's so old they have to mix his oats with adrenaline. Come on, Sarafo, my doll, my doll. This kind of money will never bring any happiness. Me either. Shell out. Well, let go of it, you're choking Lincoln. I was just waving goodbye and my hand got caught in his beard. Hey, wouldn't you like to bet it all on the next race, huh? Wouldn't you? Give me it, give me it. Oh, that good old Dreamy Joe. Hey, Sarafo, don't bother him, Sammy. He's giving his blood away. I'll bother him. Big Steve wants you should come over to his cafe right away. Big Steve, huh? Hey, doesn't Big Steve own Dreamy Joe? What'd he do, tip everybody in the street except me? He knew Dreamy Joe was gonna win. It was a boat race, a big frame. They ought to bar guys like that from racing. I don't come running just because a guy like Big Steve wants to see me. What'd you say? That a guy like Big Steve can't make me come running. Look, punk. Let's take an old-fashioned walk. Well, the nose that walks like a man. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I guess I wasn't watching. Gladys. Hello, Sarafo. I recognize the suit as soon as you turn the corner. I got it to train to turn it with me or something. Say, don't knock this suit. Some people seem to forget what some people used to spend on some people. Spend? Where did you ever learn that word? Yeah, well, I'd like to have a nickel for every bottle of champagne I bought you. I was more naive then. I believed that you could make champagne by mixing ginger ale and rubbing alcohol. Anyway, I, oh, look, Sarafo, what beautiful violets and only 25 cents a bun. Come on, Gladys. They've got dangerous thorns. Yeah, same old Sarafo. Well, you got me all wrong. I'm a big man now. Since we folded in the gate, I've been going places in show business. I hear it's win place in show business. So I'm hustling, Beth. It's a living, practically honest. Well, I have to make a living, too, and this is it. You mean here in Big Steve's Cafe? Well... Hey, this is a nice picture of you here on the poster. Thank you. Beautiful job of retouching. Oh. Who are you supposed to be? Ichabod or Mr. Toad? I've been singing here three months, Sarafo. Why haven't you dropped by? Well, I understood you were going with Big Steve. Well, he doesn't like me to have other boyfriends, but I could tell him you were my aunt, couldn't I? Well, so long, Sarafo. Oh, no, I'm going in, too. Hey, Big Steve can get awful nasty. You don't think I'm afraid of him, do you? Not me, kid. I can handle my fists. Yes, I remember. While you're handling your fists, somebody else was handling your head. Well, you've never heard my courage questioned. I've never even heard it mentioned. Well, I got to rehearse. Oh, there is his office, Sarafo. Well, you think I'm kidding, don't you? Just watch me. It's Big Steve in there. Get in there. Well, hi, you fellas. Oh, hi, Sarafo. Well, I didn't expect a crowd. I see every bookmaker in town is here. Hey, what do you think you're doing, Steve? You can't push us around. I'm going to... Shut your mouth. Well, you can't push us around. I'll tell you that. Now that we're all here, Steve, what's on your mind? Okay. You guys all know I own a horse named Dreamy Joe. I knew he was going to win today. Guess you bookies lost your shirts there. Just look at me. I have to starch my stomach and tie my hair on my chest and do a wins or not. Well, next time Dreamy Joe is out, he's going to lose. And I want a thousand bucks a piece from you guys just for making him lose. A thousand bucks, huh? And how do we know that as soon as you get to our dough, you won't turn right around and... And what? Yeah. And what, Sarafo? Well, you turn around and around and it felt like you'd get dizzy that way. All right, Doc, explain things. Well, it's like this, gentlemen. Dreamy Joe only wins when I give him one of these pills. It's a speedball. One more speedball. Well, Dreamy Joe will win the race, but an hour later he'll beat that. Yeah, we could give him a speedball now, but I'm waiting until I've got a big bank roll of bet on him. So for now, I'll just take a grand from each of you. And the next time I'll Dreamy Joe loses. Fair enough? Yeah. Okay, Sarafo. Hand over to fear. Oh, I don't handle that kind of money, Sam. I don't even know what it looks like. Whose picture's on the $1,000 bill? Washington, Jefferson, or Josephson? I hear different. I hear tell you are a very twisty character. Oh, now I'm just a little careful. I may have some small change with me. Let's see what I've got in my pocket. There's my skate key, my sky king X-ray ring, and uranium finder, and a lock of hair from Jane Russell's Cocker Spaniel. Well, what do you know? No money. I suppose we'll have to get it the hard way, huh? No, no, I only... Hey, hey, what are you doing to me? Just going into the vault. Yeah, but that's my shirt. You'll tear my shirt. There it is, boy. A money belt tied around his tummy. Boy, is he loaded. I might have a little hair, fellas. It's my mad money. Here you are, Steve. Here's a G. Now get out of here. Now don't let it happen again. Next time, I'll lose my temper. Oh, leaving so soon, sorrowful. Oh, I got a big deal cooking, Gladys, but I'll be around. Well, just be sure to come before six o'clock. That's when the prices change. Pick it up, Joe. The stars look down, they seem to say Maybe love in all its way I'm having a wonderful with... Hey, sorrowful. Gosh, boys, I'm glad to see you. Everybody in town's bettin' on Dreamy Joe. If that nag wins again, you're clean now. Oh, boy, look at this money pilen up. I may have to open a branch mattress. All right. Who's next? Come on, boys. Put something in the pot. Twenty dollars on Dreamy Joe to win. Okay, master, but where's the 20 bucks? Well, I was hoping you'd take my marker. Look, brother, we don't take IOUs from three kinds of people, men, women, and children. But I just don't have it at the moment. Pick up your marker, chum. Have it dyed green and come back. Some nerve. Hey, little girl, what are you doing here? Hello? Hey, somebody hikes the kid up in the counter so she can make her bet. Oh, she's my little girl. Yeah, well, I don't want to go home. Hey, you're pretty smart. I'm four years old and I can count to ten. Yeah? That's big talk. Let's see you back it up. All right, I'll count you money. Now, give me that. Give me that. She's over four. Out, out. Take the kid home. Let's go, Daddy. I remember him in that book you read. He is a monster. A monster. There's a little bit of Crosby in you, kid. Now, watch yourself. I run this joint. I've got plenty of friends on my side. I'm sorry. Well, okay, then. Here. Here's a penny. But even Nickers cost two pennies. What are they making out of now? Coffee? Martha Jane. That's all right. The kid's right. Here. Here's two cents. Go stuff yourself. Oh, thank you very much. Mr. Jones, I've got a friend down the street. I know he'll let me have the 20. Yeah, well, hurry down. Well, if you could let me place my bet now, I'd leave Martha Jane here till I get back. Dreamy Joe's my only chance to get even. You want to bet on Dreamy Joe, huh? Take his marker, Regret. Well, be a good girl, Martha Jane. I'll be right back. What happened, boys? I didn't see him pull my gun on you. Don't you understand? Dreamy Joe, he can't possibly win. It's a frame-up, a fix. A boat race? And Dreamy Joe is on the slowest boat, as jockey as Grandma Moses. Not only that, they're going to slip the horse a pill. How's that going to make him lose? It's a four-way co-tablet. You won't know which way to run. Okay, fellas, step right up and place your bets. That Dreamy Joe looks awfully good. Steve, I find this guy right outside the office door. He listened to what you say. Steve, please, I didn't mean to listen. I came here hoping it'd loan me $20. What did you hear? Honest, Steve, I don't... He says, what did you hear? You know what I heard. Talking about the race, weren't you? You fixed it so Dreamy Joe can't win. And what are you going to do about it? I've ruined my life on horses. I'm washed up, broke. But there's one thing I can still do. I'm getting out of here, and I'm going to the police. You're going where? Seems to me he mentions to look. If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to see the guide like yours. You'd better get rid of him, boys, for good. Yeah, I'll get the car and meet you around back. They're passing across the line to finish now, with Green Demon winning it by two lengths, Furthest Champion second, Bingo is third, and Dreamy Joe is fourth. Well, that's it, boys. Too bad, eh? Okay, sir, if you can take your fingers out of your ears. Huh? You was right. Dreamy Joe lost. Oh, how about that? The last thing I heard, he was out in front. What was that crook jockey trying to do? Win? Oh, I got to get out of this racket, regret this is too much of a strain. I wonder if it's too late to get in the television. You've had a big day, boys. $2,200. $2,200? Oh, I feel better already. Maybe if we could plant a little of this, we could grow a money tree, huh? Hey, what's this? That's the tab we took for that guy's 20. Well, didn't he come back? No. When he does, get the 20 before he takes back his kid. The kid? Well, where is she? Well, she was sitting right over... How do you like that? Gone. Every time I get big-hearted. When was the other time? Oh, forget it, boys. Let's go with a big Steve and celebrate. We got nothing to celebrate. Besides, I wouldn't pay a cover charge to hear Gladys sing. She sounds like Jessica, where they're net-dragging. I'm going out and look around for that doll. Okay, I'll close up here. Well, you can't go and do my daddy get back. Hey, where are you? How do you like that? I just want to fall in the sleep. I hate to turn a sweet little doll like you over to Sariful, but I've got three miles to feed. Two on my wife. So what will I do? Sariful will find you, Pop. There ain't nobody Sariful can't find that owes him 20 bucks. But I'm hungry. Tell anyone I'll kill you, kiddo. I'll take you over there to a big Steve's café and put on the feed bag. Come on. We'll know what to do after we get the nourishment. Sariful? Well, for a guy that wasn't coming here, you're awful present. Well, my boy scout troop is holding a meeting here tonight. It's the Simone Beaver patrol. So you found the doll, I regret. What about my 20 bucks? Have you got it or can I tie my shoelace? Well, what about a you-know-what? Her you-know-what has taken a powder. We hold her till he comes across. I'm awfully hungry. Hungry? What about that two cents worth of licorice? You want to get jowls? You want to look like a four-year-old Kate Smith? Or a five-year-old Ted Collins? Sit down, honey. Well, I didn't expect to see you back here so soon. Oh, hello, Gladys. Say, I heard you, you've been taking singing lessons, huh? That's right. Now, if you can get your singing teacher to take some lessons, you're all set. Are you babysitting to earn some spending money? Oh, you mean this little doll here? A father left her in the horse room for a $20 market. The horse lost, and the old man ain't showed. I want my daddy. What's your name, dear? Martha Jean Smith. Well, do you know where you live? I live in a big, tall house. Well, that's a mouth of windows and doors. You better call the police, Saurifle. They'll know what to do. Not on your life. Why, they'd fingerprint her. She'd have a record overnight. Besides, Saurifle loves Martha Jean very much. 20 bucks worth. I'm frozen. Haven't you ordered her anything to eat? Eat? You want to ruin this kid's figure? Saurifle doesn't like me. Oh, of course he likes you, Martha. And he's going to buy you a big dinner. Big dinner, yes. If he doesn't, I'm going to call the cops myself. And then, Uncle Saurifle will be out 20 big, crisp dollar bills. Okay. Waiter. Yeah? Bring us the lady that works at Bola Corn Flakes. Two spoons. Hey. I got a little kid like that at home. I feed her steak for supper. After the tip, you're going to get you to be back on Corn Flakes. Steak for supper. The kid's been around. Why don't you order filet mignon? Oh, thank you. And a snack, please. And a fake potato and some spinach. And a nice big glass of milk and some strawberry shortcake. That's what I give my kid for supper. Now, what can I do for you? Adopt me. Hey, look, Martha. Jane, she's falling asleep right here at the table. Which reminds me, where does she spend the night? You better take her to your place and put her to bed. I'm no nursemaid. Besides, my room is too small. I have to sleep with one leg out in the hall. Why couldn't one of you? I'd like to, Saurifle. But I don't finish until one o'clock, and this poor kid's got to get to bed now. I only got one. That's my house. My wife even objects to me sharing it. Well, let's wake the kid up. We'll slip her some strong coffee. Maybe she'll think of something cheap. Oh, Saurifle, for once in your life, why don't you do something nice for somebody? Okay, okay. I'm the fall guy. I could see it all coming. In a minute, I'll make a few bucks. Everybody wants to move in. Say, waiter, will you wrap up the rest of that steak for my dog? I'll get a bag. You haven't got a dog. Quiet. Come on, short. Wake up, short. I'm going to travel. Didn't my daddy come yet? No, but if he doesn't come by morning, I'm going to put an ad in the scratch sheet. Saurifle will be very nice to you, honey. He'll take care of you until your daddy comes. I guess you're really not a monster, Mr. Saurifle. You just look like one. Yeah, yeah, I just look like one. Come on, blow. You mean I gotta undress you, too? What kind of buttons are these? You sure you haven't got this thing on backwards, or were you in the Navy? Honey, you mustn't laugh on this show. You'll start a trend. Steady now, steady. Now, where's the bathroom, please? The powder room is over there. Thank you. Just get going, short, and I'll fix your bed. I should go and sleep on the sofa. I'll just put this sheet over it, toss on a blanket, and give her this pillow. Now, this is the soft one. I'll give her the other pillow. The one that's stuffed with luxe wrappers. Okay, short, come on. Hit the sack. Your bed's already. I'm coming. Good night. Good night. Watch the snoring. Hey, that's my bed. I know it is, and it's very nice of you to let me sleep in it. But the sofa, I just made up the... Okay, okay, Princess. You sure you're comfortable? Oh, yes, it's nice and soft. Can I get you anything, a salami sandwich, or a slug of pablum? Mr. Saurifle, I want my daddy. You want your daddy. What makes two of us? My daddy used to sing to me when I couldn't sleep. Oh, that's nice. Please, couldn't sing. Instead, I wouldn't feel for a lonesome and scared. I start singing in here. We'll both be lonesome. Okay, you gotta have singing to go to sleep. How's this? Mutual! That's just good for putting mules to sleep. Let me see. Gotta have singing. Sweet Adeline... Maya... I need two other guys and Phil Harris for that. Look, I just happened to have the racing form here. I'll read you a story, huh? Please sing. Okay. Rock-a-bye, baby, at Pimlico. Here's a smart horse. I'll bet him do show. This one's a sleeper. Hope you're the same. Here's a good jockey. Fan man's his name. Lying in your paddock. Count winning sheets. Put twenty-five fish on. Little boat. What a corny character. We'll be back with act two of Sorrowful Jones. And now, here again is your host. The curtain rises on the second act of Sorrowful Jones starring Bob Hope and Lucille Ball. It's early the following morning and a visitor has just arrived at Sorrowful Jones' apartment. Well, some place you've got Sorrowful. Just the thing for a kid. What time do the bats fly out? I don't keep track of them as long as they pay their rent. What brings you here? I've got some oatmeal here for a breakfast. What'd you think I was gonna give her? Pickled octopus? I got coffee in the stove right now. Yeah, and donuts. That's what I thought. Okay. I haven't given her a bath of things you gotta do for twenty bucks. Well, I'll finish your bath and then I'll make her some breakfast. Boy, it's a good thing I showed up. She'd have the first case of Berry Berry on Broadway. Berry Berry. Does she have to have two of everything? How you doing, honey? I'm doing fine. Now, where's that washcloth? Just look at the high gloss I got on her shoulders. Well, this is a nice homey picture. Steve. Big Steve. Oh, he's lucky, Sorrowful. That's rule number one. Come here, I want to talk to you. Oh, I can explain everything, Steve. I guess you're thinking the minute you turn your back, Gladys runs into some handsome guy's apartment. That occurs to you again. Just take a good look in the mirror. No cracks about my face. Carrie Grant is so jealous of me. He's having another hole drilled in this chin. I came by here to make you a business proposition. Oh, well, after what I won on Dreamy Joe yesterday, it's like you were singing in my ear. $5,000 now. The song's over. I said I need dough. Now, write out a check. You better run Dreamy Joe again only this time he wins. He's getting that last speedball. Yeah, but $5,000? You heard me. Okay, okay. $5,000. I don't know if there's enough blood in my fountain pen. The check, the check. You forgot to sign it. I don't have to. The bank will recognize the teardrops. By the way, the racing commission just took away my license. Oh, well, that's different. No license, no race. Well, I'll tear up the check. Now, look, you just have to find a new owner, that's all. And my friend, Doc Adams, slips in the speedball and Dreamy Joe wins. You'll have so much money you'll have to crawl over it to get to bed. Yeah, gee, money. Now I'll be able to get what I've always wanted. More money. Go ahead, sorrowful. Give me the check. Check, save it. That's good. You can have the cash. Now turn around while I get it out of my sock. Holy cow, what a bankroll. Stop peeking. Okay, here. 5 Gs. Thanks. Now look, about a new owner. Mr. Apple, I'm all dry now. Well, get wet again. I'm busy. Hey, hey, what about her? Gladys? No, no, the kid in there. She has kind of an honest face. Hey, not bad. Shorts couldn't double crosses, could she? Who is she? Oh, one of the neighbor's kids. I render my tub. What's her name? Martha Jane Smith. All right, tell her she's got her horse running in the feature race on Thursday. And tell her not to go shooting her mouth off to the other kid. Don't worry, I'll put glue in her bubblegum. Hey, Gladys, have a little breakfast. Well, I'd better stay here, Steve. Just to see that sorrowful doesn't give the kid an after-breakfast cigar. Okay, but don't let this kid to be a habit with you. Can I come in? Now, while you're regret, it's okay. I'm just leaving. Well, what's everybody doing up in that day time? Hello, most. Mystery grass. Oh, hello, honey. Uh, convince the kid, boys. What? Get rid of the kid. Okay. Hey, Shorts, I think Gladys better take you inside and finish dressing you. Come on, honey. Can I have some bacon for breakfast? Bacon? I just bought you a horse. Oh, my very own. What color? Plaid. Who cares what color? Does the mile in 137 with blinkers. Now, get in that room. Hey, what is all this? I don't know nothing about a plaid horse, Gladys. All I know is what's in the morning paper. Well, Martha Jane's old man, they found him in the East River. Oh, no. Hey, here it is. Uncle Smith. And in his pocket, a certain bookmaker's ticket for 20 clams on Dreamy Joe. He got knocked off. Somebody bumped him. Oh, that poor little kid. See, we better turn her over to the police. They'll know where to find her mother. Miss Gladys, will you help with these buttons, please? Sure, honey. Well, I guess you'd like to go home now and see your mommy, huh? But I can't do that. Why not? My daddy said she's never coming back. I only kind of remember what she looks like. Miss Gladys, can I go into my new horse? Sure, honey. Sure, you can see your new horse. Hey, it's mine. Dreamy Joe's really my horse. That's right, Martha Jane. It's a present from Mr. Sorrowful. Yeah, it's a pretty honey, a horse, and all of them nice new clothes, Gladys for you. She's a big spender, that Gladys, with my money. Come on, George. Let's take Dreamy Joe for a walk. Hey, how much of this deal does Gladys know? Well, she knows a very good percentage, and I have to tell her that I need the kid now so that we can raise Dreamy Joe next Thursday. And the speedball, the F-I-X? Stop showing off. Anyway, Gladys wouldn't understand. She's one of those high-minded games, things gambling as a sport. Well, long as the kid stays with you, the lap to the race, you're in good shape. Oh, I'm in great shape. I'm holding a hot kid that cops would love to find. A gent was murdered with my marker in his pocket. I'm mixed up in a crooked race. And if I try to resign, Big Steve and once over Sam will beat me to death with their pinkies. Oh, I'm in fine shape. Excuse me, if I disappear, Boris, is the detective named Reardon about you? Reardon? Talk to Reardon, will ya? I'll hide, Martha Jane. Hello, Gladys. Hi. Who's minding City Hall? It's in good hand. Hey, what was sorrowful to big hurry? I wanted to talk to him. I hear he's latched on to a little girl. It's me, and I'm a big girl. I'm talking about the little Smith girl. Oh, you know about her. Registering a horse in the kid's name is a funny way of trying to hide her. Look, Mr. Reardon, if you could just sort of not see her around for a couple of days, just until Dreamy Joe runs, she might win $3,500. I didn't say I was gonna put the cuffs on her. You mean there's a heart under that bed? I hear it taken once in a while. Well, I better try to find sorrowful. Is that you, Gladys? I'm here in the stable. Is he gone? No, not yet. Oh, oh, Reardon! Oh, hiya! Well, what are you doing here? Some horse stealer blanket? A little girl. Little girl? What little girl, huh? Care for a bucket of oats, lump of sugar, give you a rub down, braid your tail? Smith girl. Smith girl? Never met her, but I bought some cough drops from her brothers. Little girl, huh? How tall? Like so. Not my type. You better ask Mickey Rooney. I'm just around here. Horses and stuff. Now look, I'm talking about the kids you're trying to hide. You know what they do to you for kidnapping? They set you in a big chair, strap your legs in, and they strap your arms in. On your head, they put a steel cap, and then they turn on the electricity. Does it hurt you? Hurt you? It ruins you. Why, it even... Hey, Gladys! You better get some water. Laughing boy, just fainted. Here we are, short. This is it. I had a wonderful time with your party, Miss Gladys. Thank you, dear. Her party? Who bought the paper cups? He's funny, isn't he? Go on, get ready for bed. Good night, honey. See you when you come in to kiss me tonight, sorrowful. What did she say? Oh, it's a new thing, kissing her good night. She's been seeing those pictures in the paper of Albin and his bride. You know, under that hide of yours, you're practically a person. Yeah, well, you'd better head for the café. It's about time for you to do your number, the one you sing off key. The good one. Oh, I have time yet. Sorrowful, what happens to Martha when the race is over? If I can stay clear of her ridden that long, she'll get the air. What else? Uh-huh. Okay, if I have a drink? Go ahead, you know the combination. Well, I can see the bottle, but where are your two straws? Oh, bother, all I want is a little taste. So after the race, you just disappear, huh? Well, maybe she'll latch on to somebody, some nice couple with a front lawn. Have you been taking sentimental pills? I haven't heard you talk about front lawn since that night in Omaha. Yeah, I'll never forget that night. We had dinner in that wonderful chop suey joint. Boy, was that expensive. And then after we tossed for the check and I lost, you got kind of romantic. Well, I didn't want you to embarrass me by leaving too small a tip. You know, that is, Martha Jane's crazy about you. I'm crazy about her, too. If she had you and her father, she'd have a complete set. Sure she would. Well, what about you and... Yes? You and Big Steve. It's later than I thought, so long. But your drink! Pour it back in the bottle and dive in after it. Well, what are you sore about? Who's sore? I just think I better get to work. Big Steve might not like it. So long, Tyrone. Dames, go figure them. They act like a bunch of women. Hey, you! Short! How you doing? This book. The one Aunt Gladys gave me. Aunt Gladys? Now it's Aunt Gladys. It's good you've got rich relatives. Mr. Saddle, why you such a tight one? Ah, wait a minute. Talking like that ain't nice. There's no telling who might be listening. You mean God? Yeah, maybe. Mr. Saddle, have you ever seen God? Well, no. He doesn't hang around horse rooms very much. But if you ever want anything, why, you just ask God, and often as not, he comes through. You mean write letters like Santa Claus? Well, that's where praying comes in. You save three cents. Mr. Saddle, teach me how to pray. I want to ask for something. I never knew a dame who didn't. Okay. Only don't go telling people about this. I don't want it to get around, you see? Now kneel. But why should I kneel? How do I know? I don't make the rules. Don't do that! Well, like a racing commission makes the rules of the track, I guess there must be a praying commission someplace. Now what do I do? Well, just say like this. Now I lay me down to sleep. Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake. If I should die before I wake. I pray the Lord my soul to take. I pray the Lord my soul to take. And God bless sorrowful, gladness, regret, and everybody. God bless sorrowful, gladness, regret, and everybody. And dreamy Joe too? Oh yeah, him most of all. He's the closest to going. And dreamy Joe most of all. He's the closest of going. Is that all? That's it. That's the works. Well, when do I ask for what I want? Well, you better slip it in right now quick while your prayer is still hot. You've got to buy Mr. Sorrowful a new shoe of clothes. With two pair of pants, please. Two pair of pants. Good night, Sorrowful. Good night, Shorts. Sam, shut sorrowful up and get that kid out of sight. Nothing around so close may give ridden ideas. Care what you do, just get rid of her. It's like Rembrandt painted a dish of chicken fat. Drink it in. I gotta be back in the window by 12. The material is reversible. The jacket opens up into a record player. Stool pigeon. Can a citizen get dressed up if he wants to? I come for the kid. She's going on a trip. A trip? Is he going to take me to my daddy? Get in your room, Shorts. I'll give you the rundown later. All right, Sam, who's going on what trip? According to Steve, the kid's got to get lured, such as out of town or in an orphan home. But she's not in anybody's way? Mr. Jones, it is not possible to eat corn under cob without front teeth. Or would you like to find that out for yourself? Sorrowful, don't let that big ape push you around. Well, I'll try to control my temper. Look, I'll go in there and put it to the little doll in person. Maybe she'd like to go. If you take that little girl out of here, it'll be over my dead body. That too can be all right. How can you take me to my daddy? Where is he taking me? Well, I'm sorry, Shorts. You're going to a special place just for juniors, an orphanage. What's an orphanage? Oh, it's like a big pool room, but for kids. It's a... No. No, you're not going anywhere. Now, look, Shorts. We're going to play a game called hide-and-go-seek. Now, you climb out the window and hide on the fire escape. Just stay there, see? On the fire escape? What kind of game is this? I learned it during my vaudeville days. It's called Actor in the Land, Lady. Now, don't make a sound till I yell ready. Are you going to surprise me again? This time, it's me I'm surprising. And no matter what happens, just keep quiet. I will, Mr. Sopple. Okay, honey. I'm not going to let you take her, Sam. Make one move and I'll throw a punch. Why, you punk, I'll break your neck. You break my neck and I'll... You what? I'll nod all over you. I'll get up off the floor swinging. So you're swinging, so I bust your nose. So what? Nobody will ever notice the difference. You take it easy, Sam. You're outnumbered. Stay out of this, madam, or I'll pop you toe. Now, give me the key before I ram your head through that door. There. Well, I warned him. I'll get Shorts out of that room. Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, maybe it's a good thing I checked up in person. All right, Sam, get off the floor. Get rid of the kid. No. No, she's still in there, Steve. Now, wait a minute, Steve. She's not in there. Oh, no. There. You see? Empty room. But I see her go in there. Hey, kid. Where is she? Ask a civil question. You get a civil answer. I don't know where she is. Hey, boss, boss, look. Down there. Down on the sidewalk, in action. Shorts. Shorts. Looks like our little problem's all taken care of, huh? She fell off the fire escape. Call the ambulance. I'm going down there. Call them yourself. But be careful what you say, pal. The next ambulance will be for you. For Defense Department employees working abroad, the laws and customs of a foreign land can be frustrating. Even though you're subject to foreign laws, you're also entitled to most of the safeguards outlined in the status of forces agreements. And the local military commander will work to ensure that the rights of civilian personnel are properly maintained. It can be overwhelming, but the military is there to help you every step of the way. And now, your host, Frank Brzee, returns to the microphone. The curtain rises on the third act of Sorrowful Jones, starring Bob Hope and Lucille Ball. It's several hours later, and Martha Jane lies in a hospital bed critically injured. In the visitor's room, Sorrowful bladders and regret hear the latest word from the doctor. There's nothing you I can tell you, Mr. Jones, no change, I'm afraid. She's still delirious. For how bad is it, Doc? Her state of shock can be very serious. Tell me, is her father here? No. Oh, then you must be the one she calls Dreamy Joe. Me? Dreamy Joe is a horse. He's her horse. A horse? Well, that's too bad. She keeps calling for Dreamy Joe. It would have helped if she could have seen him. I wonder if that praying commission is open in the daytime. Dreamy Joe? I never realized a nag could mean so much to a kitten. She just looking at it might make the difference. The big race wasn't just a few hours up. We might arrange something. Which is more important, a bunch of horses chasing each other or Martha Jane? What are you looking at me for? What do you want me to do? Steal them off the track? If necessary, yes. Oh, fine. I'm sure no one will notice the lump under my coat. You, uh... You know what they do to horse thieves? Well, they don't hang any more Sorrowful. They just rub you up a bit. This is the craziest thing I ever heard of. I've crossed Big Steve once already. If I do it again, they'd have to roll me into surgery on four different tables. Sorrowful, what if we borrowed Dreamy Joe after the race? There won't be any Dreamy Joe after the race. Speedballitis. Speedballitis? You mean you dragged the kid into a crooked race? You gave her a horse and let it go crazy about it when you knew it was going to die? Well, the kid just happened to get mixed up in it. I never wanted to hurt her. You get out of here and just remember this. If we should ever run into each other again along Broadway, just keep walking. Come on, Regret. Let's get walking, blabbermouth. Sorrowful, I just cased the stable. They're getting Dreamy Joe ready for the race. Once over, Sam, he's taking the night for a walk. Sam, huh? Well, we'll just have to take the horse away from Sam. I might have known that it'd be we again. If you were half a man, you'd think of shorts. If this plan of yours doesn't work, I'll be half a man. Well, get going. I'll be right in back here. No slip-ups, or we'll both be wearing cement wedges. Good afternoon, Sam. What do you want? I don't want nothing. Then why are you telling me good afternoon for? Taking Dreamy Joe for a little stroll, huh? Yeah, why don't I should walk him a little? Shut up. Oh, look, Sam, I happen to like you. What is daddy like? Well, I don't mean no offense. That's why everybody likes once over, Sam. They do? Sure. Why, when you walk down Broadway, you know what everybody says? What? They say, uh, there goes Sam. No. Yeah. And you know what else they say? They say you're smart. You gotta be smart. If you don't like a guy, you gotta have brains enough to belt him on the chin. Yeah, well, so long, friend. He's nice to kick it around with, yeah. Thank you kindly, and take my advice regress. Give the rush to that crumb sorrowful. You got clear. Well, I'm back, boys. I take Dreamy Joe for a walk, like you say. Where is he? Where's Dreamy Joe? Boys, uh, he's right on the end of this rope. Oh, what did you do? Hey, hey, that ain't Dreamy Joe. What happened? I bring back the wrong beast. What did you do with him? Where is he? I don't know. I am working along, clutching the rope, talking to my friend Regret. Regret? Why you done that? That means sorrowful Jones has Dreamy Joe. He switched horses on you while you were talking to your friend. No. Come on, I think I know just where to find him. Well, I got you away from the track, Dreamy Joe. Now all we gotta do is hitch a ride back to town. Why didn't you think of that before we left the stable? I can't understand these drivers. Nobody wants to give us a ride. Hey, Dreamy, lift your blanket and show a little more leg. Never mind. I guess we'll have to do it the hard way. I'll just leap on your back like this. Steady, boy. We'll try it again. Whoa, boy. Whoa, now. Can you kneel down a little? Look, how about this? I'll spread my legs and you crawl under me, huh? Hey, hey, take it easy. I'm going side-settled. Just follow the traffic, Dreamy Joe. We're heading straight into town. Well, this is the hospital, Dreamy Joe. Now all we gotta do is sneak in that door and go down the corridor to the elevator. Just act nonchalant. If anybody stops us, just tell them you're visiting someone. What's the meaning of this? Oh, it's okay, nurse. He's my brother. Your brother? Yeah, I'm taking him to the cycle ward. He thinks he's a horse. Quiet Vaughn. Oh, get away from that elevator. Is that Dreamy Joe? Fifth floor. I'll see if the coach is clear. And if you see anyone, look sick. Oh, my gosh. Big Steve and Sam down there in front of Martha Jane's room. Steady, Dreamy Joe, stay here in the elevator and I'll just sneak out and I'll... Hey, Dreamy Joe. Hey, come back here. Yeah, the elevator is gone. Well, it's automatic. Someone must have buzzed for it. A horse? Yeah, I told him I'd be right back. You told the horse you'd be right back? Yeah, now he's disappeared. The horse disappeared? I lost my horse, you see. All right, all right. Now let's not get excited. I'm not excited. Take it easy. Maybe he just went down for a sandwich or something. He'll come right back. Yeah, yeah. Oh, we see them around here all the time. What do you do? Pink horses, green horses, blue horses. Wait a minute. Are you a patient here? I happen to be a doctor. Now why don't you step into my office and we'll see if we... Stop looking at me as if I'm Olivia de Havilland. There you see, that's my horse. Where'd you go, Dreamy? You have to go riding up and down. One more move like that and you wind up in a tube in a stationary store. We got work to do now. Come on. Nurse, intern, help! Fast, Dreamy Joe. Quit shoving, quit. Now wait a minute. I don't know how we're going to get past those two gorillas. Why'd you have to get mixed up with big Steve anyway? Don't you know he... Well, it ain't terrible Joe. And the horse. He's got the horse. Dreamy Joe, yeah. We're just bringing him in for a check-up after all he... Oh! What a sucker, leading with your right. Get up off the floor. Give me that horse. I got to have that horse. And that's for swiping the kids. That's enough, Sam. We got to get out of here. Oh, no, you don't. Wait till I give Sam my rabbit punch. Oh! Can't understand. It always works on rabbits. Better put, put that elevator for us. You're not taking that horse. So you want more lunch, huh? I want Dreamy Joe. This is for shooting your mouth off to the lock. Sam? Rinn. Rappin', boy. Oh, it's a good thing you came, Reardon. Or I'd have killed him. Let's go, Steve. You too, Sam. I want to have a little chat with you boys down at headquarters. Yeah, and I got a date with Dreamy Joe. Come on, Joe. Come on, boy. I'll have you back punning a beat for this. Maybe so. But there's a certain scrub lady who works in your café. She recognized a photograph of Orville Smith. Said he was in your place just before he was murdered. All right, boys. Take him away. Here he is, doctor. Dreamy Joe. Well, you told me if Martha Jane saw Dreamy Joe, maybe she... I don't know, Mr. Jones. We've done everything we can. She's no better? Boys, you don't think I let you bring a horse in here, do you? All right, beat him in. You brought him? Yeah. Shorts. Shorts. Can you open your eyes? Look who's here. Martha Jane. Shorts. Look on him. Look. It's Dreamy Joe. He came to see you. I couldn't keep him away, Shorts. He kept asking for you. Me too. Well, I've been practicing a good many years, but I've never seen anything like this before. You mean she'll get better now? I wouldn't be at all surprised. Yes, I think you can leave the rest to me now. Hey, sorrowful, come out in the hall a minute. Well, I don't have to ask. I can read her chart on your faces. Oh, she's got to be all right, Mr. Reardon. Sorrowful brought her the best medicine in the world. Well, as soon as she's up and around, I'll take over her. Wait, you mean that orphanage routine? I guarantee the best. And I'll scout around for some nice people to adopt her. Yeah? Hey, would you mind holding Dreamy Joe for a minute? Hey, Gladys. This way. What's the matter, Sorrowful? You can't let shorts fall in the hands of some strange couple. They might be undesirable characters. It would still be an improvement for her. Look, you want to get married, don't you? You've hinted at it often enough. Yes, one of these days, but to a solid citizen, and I don't see any around. Who cares about solid citizens? I'm thinking about shorts. If we don't act fast, she's going to be farmed out from under us. Well, what do you want me to do about it? Well, I'm willing to make a sacrifice. Why can't you? Some couple has to adopt her. How about us? I think that's a very good idea. The first one of us who gets married should definitely adopt her. I mean to each other. Come here. Mrs. Sorrowful Jones. Yeah. Mrs. Sorrowful Jones. Don't you have a real first name? Don't you have a real first name? What is it? Humphrey. Humphrey. There's nothing romantic about that. Don't let her bother you. I've got a middle name too. What is it? Rossellini. And so, a few weeks later, Sorrowful Jones and Gladys and Martha Jane. Well, I'm sure glad we're going home. My feet are killing me. But the play circus, aren't we going to the play circus? Short, you can't do it all in one day. We've been to the zoo. We climbed to the top of the Statue of Liberty. We were on the lake in Central Park. Just look at these blisters from Rowan. Show them, Gladys. Hold out your hands. But you promised, Daddy. Well, Daddy. Okay. What a way to spend a honeymoon. Not true. Using the air conditioner when it really isn't needed is a waste of energy. So is using more heat than you need. And when you stop to consider that the government pays for that energy with your tax dollars, it's a waste of your money. So use air conditioning and heating wisely. Enjoy it when you really need it and turn it off or turn it down when you don't. This is Frank Brzee inviting you to join me next week for more shows and personalities from Radio's Golden Days.