 Good evening, this is Ronald Coleman, inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College as the guest of our sponsors, the Brewers of Schlitz Beer. Tonight's program is dedicated to Dr. E. Wilson Lyon, President of Pomona College, Claremont, California. The taste of Schlitz, the taste so many people prefer, has made Schlitz Beer first in sales in the USA. If you like good beer, do as millions of people are doing all over the nation. Ask for Schlitz, the most popular beer in history, the USA. One of the most important qualifications of an executive is the ability to make decisions. This is not always easy as Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, President of Ivy, has just been reminded. So it was with a good deal of thought and consideration that he finally picked out a new hat at Ivy's leading haberdashery. And now, mission accomplished, he meets his wife Victoria in front of the Ivy Department store. Well, Vicki. Hello, darling. I found the greenest spring breast today. It's all wonderful flouncy sleeves and fresh as an apple blossom. Pale green shantung with, I can't wait to see it. If I need a good eye, never having seen a shantung apple blossom. It sounds like something out of Hattie Carnegie by Luther Burbank. No. But what did you do while I was shopping, darling? Well, in a spirit of bravado, this being a working day for college presidents, I toyed with the idea of seeing a movie. And did you? No, dear. It was a horse opera for which as a rule I have a great affection. But from the posters outside, well, I would judge that this one was written on a horseback cast with studio creditors and shot from the hip. So what did you do? Haven't you noticed? Hair cut? No. Ventus? No. Library? No. A give-up? I bought a new hat. Oh, how wonderful. Are they delivering it today? Vicki, I am wearing it. Wow, unobserved. Now, it's simply magnificent. But you always look so handsome in your hat. You never wear a new hat as though it was a new hat, even if you know what I mean. You mean I always wear the same kind of hat, so how could you possibly know this was a new one? Well, not everybody can wear a Homburg without looking like a Swiss waiter out of work. Thank you, darling, but it's not a Homburg. It's a fedora. Well, you look fedorable in it. Thank you. I'm glad now I didn't buy a bowler. It might have knocked you off your pin. Try and cap that, my love. Yeah. Did I tell you while you were out this morning the Phi Beta Kappa started called? Oh. They want you to address their meeting next Thursday. Thursday, good. It's always a pleasure to meet with our more exemplary students. Tati, since Phi Beta Kappa is a social fraternity, why the Greek letters? Why don't they just call themselves the cream of the crop or the straight A kids or something? Well, because of the, because of its classic origin, my dear. What classic origin? Well, it's quite interesting in a way. Very few people know about it. Really? It started at the Lady's Seminary in Massachusetts in the 1860s. The Abigail Trueblood Academy for young ladies, I think it was. Go on. Well, it seems there was a high-spirited girl of good family named Elizabeth Kappa. Elizabeth Kappa, huh? It's a revolutionary spirit, an iconoclast, a rebel. You know, he had Pudget Midnight, Boccaccio's Decameron behind the Grammar Book, nose-powdered, surreptitious, liverless, stolen Marshmallow. Well, well, it seems that her conduct was such that her fellow students would lay aside their embroidery. Oops. Inhale deeply of their aromatic spirits of ammonia. Raise their unplugged eyebrows and say, Hi, Betty Kappa. Her scholastic brilliance more than balanced her unorthodox conduct. So thereafter, the most outstanding students became known as, Hi, Betty Kappa's. Tade. Yes, my love? Who do you think writes the best fiction, Ernest Hemingway or William T. Hall? I didn't think I was going away enough. No, no, you think you might not. Oh, I'll say, here comes that nice French girl. Well, what's her name? Oh, yes, our little mademoiselle from the Sorbonne. I'm afraid we've rather neglected our prettiest exchange student. Ah, mademoiselle, je n'ai. Je suis enchantée de vous revoir. Hello, Dr. Hall. Mrs. Hall. Hello, Eloise. Go on. Very much okay, Mrs. Hall. I'm having what you call a ball. You seem to be completely at ease with our campus' colloquialisms. Well, I'm trying to think in not French, but this is sometimes a difficulty. I thought before I left Paris that I knew English, but American is not English. As Mr. Dooley said, when the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy. Eloise, I've been meaning to call you. Dr. Hall and I would like you to come to dinner soon. Oh, thank you, Mrs. Hall. I should like to. Everybody has been so generous since I'm here. But then the hospitality of you Americans is even greater than you Americans say it is. Almost too much. With so much of social living, when is the education? Oh, I don't mean to protest, but I am curious. More naturally. But don't discount social living, as you call it, as a part of education. Education is understanding people as well as books. But I am amazed. Everything is much fun and no attention to the class. And then examinations arrive and everybody goes off. He said with the coming yet. Eloise, the word is cramming. Scramming is what they do the minute the examination is over. Exactly, Mrs. Hall. Too sweet. Everybody gets educated. And after the examination, too sweet, everybody goes back to having relaxation again. Very interesting. And I must say fairly accurate description of college life. But since your impressions are so astute, why don't you put them on paper? I'm sure the Ivy Bowl would be delighted to print it. And everybody here should be interested to know how Ivy looks through the lovely eyes of a visitor from Paris. That is very kind, Dr. Hall. But I am nobody. But you write the article, Eloise, and you'll be somebody. And it'll give you good practice in thinking, and not French. Well, if you'd like me to do this, I shall be most happy to try. That's splendid. If, as Oliver Wendell Holmes said, good Americans when they die go to Paris, let's hear what Paris says on coming here to live. Guess who, Toddy? Well, the only one who makes our doorbell sound like a four alarm fire is Mr. Wellman. Ring it hard is his rule of thumb. He has an unfair advantage over us. He has two thumbs and we only have one doorbell. Oh, it's you, Mr. Wellman. Of course it is. And I believe as much an international goodwill as a next man. Good neighbor policy. Hands across the street. Good morning, Dr. Hall. Well, come in. Come in, Mr. Wellman. But when somebody takes advantage of, puts it down in black and white, I mean... Good morning, Mr. Wellman. After all our hospitality, after we've taken every means, so good morning, Mrs. Hallman. I'll come right to the point. Of what? Of what I'm talking about. Oh. You may condone it, Dr. Hall, because you're always leaning backwards, diplomacy, soft words, cagey tactics. Turn the other cheek. But there comes a time when you run out of cheeks. Only true to a customer. When you can't just fly in the teeth, you'll have to face it. Face it, Dr. Hall. Well, I'm willing that it would help me if I knew what I had to face. I just told you. Oh. It's a simple question of international etiquette, manners. When a girl can insult those, who? Well, all I can say is if she doesn't like it where she come from, why doesn't she come back here? Dr. Hall, did you read the article of the Ivy Bowl this morning? What article? By that French girl. He'd done nothing but criticize us. And criticism is fine in this place. That is, when we criticize ourselves. But when we invite a guest into our house and she tries to tear it down and destroy what we have built up, well, what are you going to do about this, Miss Jeanette? Well, Jeanette, don't you mean Jeanette, Mr. Willis? I do not. I said Jeanette and I mean Jeanette. Oh. Oh, no, no, that's right. French. Don't pronounce the T unless it's feminine as it may be. Yes. You don't have to tell me, Mrs. Hall. I know about French. Been to Paris. Likely, too. Champs-Élysées. Verses le concours. Dr. Triomphe. Volley-Berger. Oh, boy, I remember one particular. What was I... Well, now, what else did you take in, Mr. Willman? The Eiffel Tower? No, no, no, no. Can't stand heights, Mrs. Hall. But I didn't insult them. If those Frenchmen like towers, who am I? Live or let live? I was their guest. No, no, bless or bleed. Well, Mr. Willman, before you go any further in all fairness to Miss Jeanette, I must share responsibility for this article. After all, I suggested that she write it to you. Miss Jeanette is a perceptive young lady, and I felt that her impressions of Ivy would be interesting to all of us. Interesting. Thinks our regulations are dictatorial. Always heard that women had more freedom in America. But we treat them like children, she said. She doesn't like anything. Thinks our curfew is an indignity. The honor system is hypocritical if we... I, you... Well, well, I won't go on. It's a birth of Dr. Hall, shocking. Oh, no, I don't know. I think on his criticism is healthy and constructive. Well, Mr. Willman, there is a certain school of thought which regards any and all criticism of American life as subversive. I never attended that school. As far as I am concerned, the birth of a doubt is the beginning of an education. If we, as a nation, born in protest and dissent, are not strong and healthy enough to withstand a few nonconformist views, then we had better close up shop and build a fleet of maitlairs for a return boy. It depends on whether you want a candid opinion or a sugar-candid one, Mr. Willman. Well, candid or not, next she'll be telling us how to run the college. Well, Dr. Hall, all I can say is don't forget your ecclesiastics. Uh-oh. Receive a stranger in, and he shall overthrow thee with a whirlwind, and shall turn thee out of thy own. If it's good enough for ecclesiastics, this is good enough for me. Good day, Dr. Hall. Ecclesiastics? I would have liked an opportunity to remind him of another passage from the good book. Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unaware. Yes, darling, but if Mr. Willman has his devilish way, this little angel is going to get her wings clipped. You've talked to me in a high school geometry test, but I knew her in an instant what I met her downtown the other day. Well, well, Miss Bessie, what's certainly good to see after all these years. Uh, you remember me, don't you? Goodness me, but of course, you're the carpenter boy. That's right, Miss Bessie. Ken Carpenter, and thanks for the boy. Oh, I remember you very well indeed. Second seat, third row from the left in my 10-30 section. Oh, Mr. Willman, such grubby papers you used to hand in. Grubby? Oh, please now, Miss Bessie, that was a long time ago. You're retired now, aren't you? Yes, I am. I don't suppose anybody's ever told you what I'm doing now, have they? Told me. Well, how could I help knowing? Don't forget I have a radio. Since I've retired, I listen to it a lot. Of course, I know what you're doing. You're the man who tells people about Schlitz's beer. That's right. And I must say, Kenneth, you sound very convincing and much more accurate, I'm sure, than you were in geometry. Well, thank you, Miss Bessie. You see, I am convinced about Schlitz being the best-liked beer in America, and so are millions of other people who like the taste of it so much, they've made it their regular beer. Sales prove it, you know. Schlitz is America's best-liked beer. I must say, Kenneth, Schlitz is a lovely beer, just lovely. I often have a glass of it. Evening, you know, when I'm taking my ease and such. I'm so glad you like it, Miss Bessie. And you know, in a way, Schlitz is a lot like one of your... one of your just simply never varies. It's always the same, always good. Kenneth, I run there. Yes, Miss Bessie? I was just going to suggest that you might drop in and share a glass of Schlitz with an old lady. I always have them in my refrigerator with such nice beer. Miss Bessie, nothing would give me more pleasure. You know, Kenneth, it's the first time in years you and I have had some so congruent opinions. I certainly think we should drink a toast to them. It's coming up. Fine. Today, a Dr. and Mrs. Hall have a visitor. Miss Eloise Genet, the young French exchange student whose article in the college paper has caused so much comment. Dr. Hall is speaking. The new world has always been a subject of curiosity to the old Eloise, and we have often learned much about ourselves in the observations of travelers. They've all helped Americans to see themselves more clearly. You are very gentle, Dr. Hall, but it is clear you asked me here today to spank me about my article. Oh, Eloise, Dr. Hall never does anything behind anybody's back. There is nothing... there is nothing to chide you about in your article, Eloise. On the whole, you've been very fair. However, I should warn you that there are certain people on the campus who might misinterpret your honest expression of opinion. But, of course, I've already heard some discussion, but this is America where everyone can speak freely. And it is a tradition which must be exercised to be Captainess Genet. You see, Eloise, it's Mr. Clarence Wellman, the chairman of our Board of Governors, who has taken exception to some of the things you've written. It's Mr. Wellman, but he is only a governor. Dr. Hall is the president. Yeah, she makes it sound so simple, doesn't she? In any event, Eloise, I certainly don't want you to discontinue your series. There must be many more aspects of Ivy Life that have impressed you. Some good things. Oh, yeah. So many magnificent things I've seen and so many novelties. It is so dumbfounding the energy, the spirit and imagination about everything. Even the clothes. Yes, yes, it takes a lot of imagination to be as spectacularly casual as some of our undergraduates. I'm amazed that they're enterprise. When I see the uses to which the T-shirt is put, I understand why the late St. Thomas Lipton went to see it. Perhaps it is because American girls are so pretty. They do not have to try to look prettier than they are. But clothes, fashion, they are so exciting. And with just a little of their wonderful imagination, why, why they could look terrific? Well, Eloise, bless you. Now your next article has simply got to be about campus clothes. You've dressed so well on your small allowance, everybody wonders how you do it. You're the envy and the despair of the campus. And I think you're the answer to a problem. Yes, yes, yes, all right, all right, right away. Goodbye. What a ridiculous, of all of all the... I'm on the phone, darling. Fantastic. Oh, Mr. Wellman. He's in a rage about Eloise's new article on campus clothes. And he's coming right over naturally. Good, Eloise is coming over too. Well, it's just about time they met each other. You know, your plans have progressed far enough so that, why, Vicky, that dress... Do you like it, darling? I've always liked it. It's the other day you've never seen it before. Oh, no, no, no, no. It's the same one, the Apple Blossom Dress. You wore it on our first drive into the English countryside together. Oh, Toddy, Vicky, you remember that? Why, that was only the second time we'd ever met. Yes, I'd introduced myself to your backstage the night before. And then the next morning, in the middle of London, in a whirlpool of people, suddenly, lovely violets, violets... Miss Cromwell! Oh, Miss Cromwell! Mr. Hall! I saw you from my car. I couldn't believe my eyes. Oh, goodness, fancy seeing you here. I was just... How are you? I did enjoy last night. I wondered if I'd ever see you again. I... Hello. Oh, Miss Cromwell. Dear Miss Cromwell, do you always go about wearing your wedding dress? Oh, for heaven's sake. This is a pale-breed suit. I'm not wearing a wedding dress. Aren't you? Do you mean to say it is only your face which makes you look so resplendent? No, no, really. You must have got up awfully early to be honest on and be back so soon. Miss Cromwell. I'll never... She laughs. You're all the other girls. They're married in St. George's. They're just getting married to flatter you. What? Just to add bitter to this extraordinary occasion, this wonderful historic day, this shining, glorious birthday. But whose birthday is it to call such a commotion? Yours? Oh, no, no. It's the brand-new birthday of a matchless idea that Miss Cromwell shall drive into the country and have lunch with Mr. Hall. Can you cure? You must. There is no alternative I passed along. And you can't lunch all alone in your wedding dress. Oh, and you and your shining arm. Oh, well, I... Barnet, Barnet, Barnet, Billy to the belly. Barnet, here. I've got a bunch for you, Governor. Of course, here. How about, um... How about 15 shillings for the lot? 15, Bob? Cool, lummy. All right, how are you, your Governor? Mr. Hall, are you... Oh, yes, OK, yes, yes. Here you are, my friend. 15, Bob. Oh, thank you, Governor. You're a prince. Here. He's a tip for you. Put your shirt on happy day. The 3.30. You can't lose. Good boy, Governor. You're a prince. You see, Miss Grumble, a prince. Shining armor and all. So, so what about lunch? Well, I... I suppose I can't let a prince sit down all by himself there. So, I... Oh, look. Look to the game, like coming across the square. It's the King and Queen. Well, of course. Do you think for a second that the King and Queen would fail to appear on this historic occasion? Oh. Your majesty. I wave my loyal hat to you. Godspeed. Mr. Hallermann, you're not supposed to really... Oh, look, look. Let me smile that you're naughty. Aren't they wonderful? We have the Royal Seal of Approval. So, it's whole for the open road. Here. Here's my coach. Looking more like a pumpkin, I must admit, but it's mine until midnight. Come on. Let's drive until we find an orchard of apple blossoms. An orchard of apple blossoms. Here's my coach. Looking more like a pumpkin, I must admit, but it's mine until midnight. Come on. Let's drive until we find an orchard of apple blossoms. And a country fair. The sun is the shining so welcome the day with a hae. Oh, come to the fair that little old singing so merry and gay with a hae. Oh, come to the fair. William, William, we have a visit and you have... a little old singing so merry and gay with a hae. Oh, come to the fair the fit little... Mayor, what fair are you talking about, Dr. Hallermann? Oh, was I old, Mr. Hallermann? How can you sing on... What nonsense is this? What is nonsense, Mr. Wellman? It was apple blossoms and bells and the king and queen riding by. And don't forget, Vicki, a lovely dress. A dress? Well, that's... that's what I came here for. It's outrageous. The... the sloppy dressing are suit... No, no, no. I mean, that's what that Janae girl said. Well... Well, what? Say something. Well, I... The whole campus is up in arms. This girl hasn't got a friend left. They'll throw her out. Oh, I'm afraid you're a very bad judge of campus opinion, but you will throw her out. My wife? Mm-hmm. My wife? Mm-hmm. Oh, you mean Mrs. Wellman? I haven't even seen her in the last couple of days, out all the time, getting around. But what has she got to do with all this? Well, Mr. Wellman, your wife is the head of the committee for an important Ivy Projects, the spring fashion show. Oh, that. Nobody's interested in that. Big bust every year. Fluff. Not this year. Mrs. Wellman has come up with a tremendous surprise and everybody's delighted. It's going to be one of the biggest events of the season. But where have you been, Mr. Wellman? Well, by being tending to Ivy business, of course, and it's Ivy's business to put this French foreigner in place. But, Mr. Wellman, your wife has already done the... What? Yes. Mrs. Wellman realized that in Miss Jenny, we had a rare opportunity. She is Paris in person, come to Ivy. So, your wife managed to persuade her to act well. Bertha did all this? Uh-huh. My wife? Uh-huh. Why, she never had a... It's a brilliant idea, regardless of who thought of it, but I doubt it's my... Well, imagine. Bertha. I've been on the rest of me. Oh, I see. That must be... I'll get it for you. I'm afraid we've digressed somewhat, Mr. Wellman. Now, to get back to your objection to free speech in the Ivy book, it's about free... Mr. Wellman, have you met Miss Louise Genet? Hello, Mr. Wellman. Hello, Dr. Hall. Oh, good afternoon, Louise. Oh. Oh. Oh. Bonjour, mademoiselle. So, now, I finally meet the wonderful Mr. Wellman. Wonderful? You mean that... Well... I... I... I... I knew that the husband must be equally charming. We were just telling Mr. Wellman how splendidly you and Mrs. Wellman are working together on the fashion show. And you were delighted, weren't you, Mr. Wellman? Was I? I'm so glad I found you here, Mr. Wellman. I wanted to ask you to help me with my problem. Oh, well, if you didn't really mean what you... Naturally, I'll be glad. What is it? We already have two judges for our fashion show, Mr. Wellman, the dean of women and the student. But we need someone from the outside, someone typically much a man. And so, would you be that judge for us, Mr. Wellman? Who? Me? Judge? What a brilliant idea, Louise. Wait, Victoria, feeling as he does about the sartorial freedom of either students, perhaps Mr. Wellman would not want to... I most certainly do want to, Dr. Hall. I claim we did something about the disgraceful, even if you don't, Dr. Hall, I mean, new blood, new ideas, change. What it means, change. Isn't that right, Miss Shanae? May we, Mr. Wellman, I'm overwhelmed by your understanding, and may I tell Mrs. Wellman that you agree? Well, Bertha, well, what is she? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, It was Eloise's own trump card. And we mustn't forget Bertha. Mrs. Wellman, who was properly named after Big Bertha, the giant cannon from World War One. Yeah, well, our Bertha has a bigger ball, named Clarence. Poor man, he didn't have a chance with these odds-so-well stacks against him. Female of the species, you know. Oh yes, yes, I know very well. When a man's hair turns white, it is not necessarily a token of age. It is more likely a belated sign of surrender. Napoleon himself, a veteran campaigner, was not strategist enough for victory at home. When pensively reviewing his domestic relations with the Empress Josephine, he said, and I quote, I generally had to give in. Spent it by Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. The taste of Schlitz, the taste so many people prefer, has made Schlitz beer first in sales in the USA. Why don't you two enjoy the most popular beer in history? Next time, every time, ask for Schlitz beer. Now, here again our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Colton. Good night everybody. Good night from all of us. And from our sponsor, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and its thousands of friendly dealers throughout the nation. Good night, good night. Mrs. Ronald Colton. Mr. Wellman has played for Herbert Butterfield, L.O.E.'s was Gladys Holland, and the flower vendor was Dennis Price. Tonight's script was written by Barbara and Milton Merlin, Bonita Coleman and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Milton Merlin, and presented by the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. To invite you to enjoy on television, the Schlitz Playhouse of Stars with Helen Hayes, Margaret Sullivan, Lillian Gage, and more of the brightest names of Hollywood and Broadway. See your newspaper for time and channel. Ken Carpenter speaking. All we need is love. Listen tonight for The Great Gilder Sleep on...