 So I want you to imagine that you've met someone you've met a man that you really like you're attracted to him He's attracted to you. Maybe you've gone on several dates You spent some time together and then he says the following to you now I want to actually read this to you. So give me a second to read this out loud He somehow a conversation gets started about your past relationships and he says the following My ex was a narcissist He gives you details of her cheating He specifically gives you details of how she cheated with someone he worked with or she worked with or or somebody She met at the gym. He starts giving you all these details Or maybe she criticized her for being verbally abusive in the relationship or maybe he characterized her as an alcoholic Or maybe he even characterized her as neglectful to the children and so on The energy he describes of her is one of pain and disgust and he will most likely end most likely even Might intimate he has fear of getting close to anyone in the future because of this pain And worse if his okay, so I just want to say this Okay, so he goes through and describes all this now Let's imagine that his ex is a prominent person in his life in other words They have children together. Maybe they have property together. Whatever reason they still have a connection to one another and She is most likely going to be an aggra agitation in any future relationship Now what's interesting is I've observed if a woman met a man like this One of two things happens and give me a second. I'll relate to how this pushes men away But the one of two things will happen I wrote this down one of two things will happen if you're attracted to him and you like him You'll see yourself as his heroine and you'll pursue him based on chemistry The murder deep creek that you'll see him as your hero in other words as his hero and if there's chemistry you'll pursue him or You'll notice that he's deeply wounded Hasn't healed and you will walk away from this relationship. Okay, so I've just laid out this scenario He is ruled by pain. He's ruled by disgust. He's even ruled by fear Well, guess what? For so many women these days the dating process is ruled by pain Disgust or fear These three emotions are often the reason why many single women Push good men away or worse. They don't attract anyone to date pain disgust or fear See, I've observed that a significant percentage of women in the dating marketplace Just like the man who feels like, you know, he was with a narcissistic woman They were he was with an abusive woman. He was with an alcoholic. He was with a neglectful mother See women have that same experience as well Now women might say they have this experience more often. I'm not sure who you know, we could do this for a moment But the problem is if somebody is talking negatively about their ex Whether publicly or on social media or to a new suitor They haven't healed I'm repeat that whether it's you or a man Okay, if you have to publicly give details about a past experience from a place of pain Disgust or either fear Then this person or you haven't healed Now I'm not discounting the importance of vetting. Okay, I want to be clear about this It is important to get out if you had a Unpleasant even painful even toxic experience It is completely necessary to vent and to get it out. Okay. I want to be clear about that so I'm not discounting anyone's experience and I want to say that if that actually did happen then it's critically important to do some real therapy To heal from that relationship because I've noticed a Significant percentage of women who enter into the dating marketplace or even in the Either in the dating marketplace or actually dating men They are in a state of pain Disgust or even fear the pain of a loss of maybe a treasured relationship Disgust over the previous person they were in a relationship with or maybe an ex-spouse or whatnot and fear That this might Continue in their life and if someone is operating from a plant paid place of pain Disgust or fear. I Promise you that when you meet an emotionally healthy man that will push someone away This is something I see habitually in the dating marketplace. I would say well over 50 60 percent of women as Well as men are holding on to a significant amount of pain from a past relationship and To some degree they've either returned bitter or jaded and then they're in a state of fear You've seen this with men I will tell you a man who has been felt like they got burned from their previous partner And they feel like they need to throw their previous partner under the bus as I talked about in the previous video That is a sign that a person hasn't truly healed Now what I mean by healing is you know, you've healed when you can talk about the past relationship In a kind of matter of fact kind of way I went I wrote this following When is their healing? There isn't a need to tell the story because you're now living a newer version of yourself With the gifts that you learn from the relationship. So if someone asks you to give you details Although those details now include a different but those new details if you're coming at it from a different place You're coming at it from a different energy The energy has compassion and love for the person who once emotionally caused you pain and Acknowledges this person as a catalyst for growth or more importantly a catalyst for self-love You come to a point where you realize you couldn't have got there without this pain Now I know many of you are very stuck in your pain of your past and And and and to some degree I recognize that it's almost a badge of honor I'm sorry. I'm gonna say it that way for so many people. It's a badge of honor. I had this pain I'm now a martyr Okay, I need you to have sympathy for me. I need you to have empathy for me Now, let me be clear as I say those words out loud I have great amount of sympathy and empathy for anyone whose experience pain in their life There's no doubt about it at the same time It's it the past is prologue if you're still holding on to the pain if there's still a charge over a past Relationship guess what happens is you bring that into a new relationship? Because now I want to spend the next few minutes talking about what really matters most in this conversation what you need to do instead and that is completely heal from your past Relationships to come at if you want to attract. I don't care if you call it a high value High quality good man, whatever it feels like for you the right man for you and I'm assuming you don't want that man who's who throw you know Who's talked about their X in the negative way and still has a contentious relationship with their X and they're constantly Criticizing I'm gonna tell you if you're in a relationship with a man like that. It is guaranteed to Fail okay, I'm gonna use the word failure not end it will implode at some point in time So healing isn't necessarily for them. It is most importantly. It starts within yourself and That is to honor first off the following in healing You have to grieve You have to process You have to forgive you have to accept and most importantly you have to grow They don't have to do anything. This is an invitation okay The invitation is to grieve is to look at those past experiences and you know vent and yell and get it out of your system You know go through that anger phase go through that depression phase go through that guilt and shame It's natural to do that. It's natural to feel anger or disgust or even you know, but bitterness See that's an after effect And that doesn't serve anyone being jaded over a past experience. That doesn't serve you But it's absolutely okay to feel those feelings go to a therapist vent and just recognize that if you're still venting on Social media like so many of you do on my chat, you know my comment section You will give me a complete description of the past relationship. You had and how horrific it is If you're still talking about it, that means you're holding on to it and when you can actually reach a place So so part of the process I said first is to grieve the next process is to get it out Okay to get it all out. It's that's like just like a volcano has to has vents. It's okay to vent it out But at some point when you actually want to attract in a really like I said earlier a high quality high value Good man in your life. It's time to put the past behind you and how do we do that? It's forgiveness Oops, I kind of had a high voice there forgiveness Forgiveness isn't necessarily about absolving the person of the past. Forgiveness is for yourself That's what forgiveness is around. It's giving yourself love Forgiveness is like giving yourself a b12 shot of love Forgive yourself for making the choice that you really didn't want to do forgive yourself for maybe staying in a relationship Much longer than you needed to be You know, it's fascinating to me about many of the people that complain about past relationships They weren't happy in the relationship. Anyway, I'm sorry. I kind of laugh at this But isn't it fascinating human beings can be miserable in a relationship the relationship ends They blame the other person for everything But rather than see it from the space of like damn I you know, I'm I've now dodged the bullet. They're all stuck in their pain and So forgiveness and then acceptance Accepting the circumstances is a critical part of the healing process and last but not least to grow beyond it requires these two things And that is to be in a state of gratitude Now I know many of you have a hard time being in gratitude for someone that might have cost you a significant amount of pain It's hard, you know, I want to read to you something That a woman wrote me this morning. I think it's rather valuable that I share this with you all But she wrote the following to me. She said Jonathan. It's definitely a cluster fuck out here. I Invested five years into an avoidant partner Live together for three and my anxiety levels reach my anxiety reach levels I've never experienced before in my life. I had to get on medication to manage it as Much as I want to blame him I can hold myself accountable for being broken and allowing it to go on as long as it did I clung to the relationship partly because I saw the potential if he healed and Partly because of societal pressures to get married and start a family. I'm 32 years old as Hesitant as I've been to start over. I'm glad I've given myself the chance to really heal my attachment style and To connect with the man sorely and to connect with a man more securely I Honestly couldn't imagine being married or having children with my ex the relationship was most confusing and damaging to my self-esteem I wish the both of us healing and optimistic about the future wherever it takes me Thank you for sharing your insight. This is very helpful. I like your personality as well very down to earth But still wise so so not only does she take ownership to everything? She's in a state of gratitude, but more important. She's in a state of abundance healing a Past relationship is a grieving experience you process it You forgive accept and then if you really want to be prepared for a juicy delicious healthy happy relationship in the future growth is Coming to a place of gratitude and most importantly abundance meaning There's you know, there's a cart. There's a bus coming around the next corner and yet sadly many of you will listen to this Criticize me for not listening to you And yet I'm gonna say have you really listened to what I've shared here Have you really allowed yourself to heal from a past relationship and just like the man in the beginning of the story who? clearly When I say throwing their ex under the bus He is not in a position to enter into a new relationship. Half of the women will accept a man like that Because Jonathan we have so much chemistry for one another. I am sure love will solve it all See most humans live in this delusion that chemistry equals relationship success and love so it heals all wounds Now love is an important component Individual love to heal Individual wounds, but loving someone just like she shared doesn't change you can pray and hope all you want that someone Heals they have to want to do the work themselves and I'm here to invite you. It's the same for you You have to want to heal otherwise if you're in a state of pain discussed or fear Entering into the dating marketplace you that will bleed Into any new encounter you have and God forbid you meet someone that you're really attracted to and You bring this in you will lose a good guy or worse You're in a good place and you accept a man who's in a state of pain discussed or fear. That's the other thing We are a society of wounded human beings seeking desperately seeking connection This is a this is you know, I don't think it was any other time in history Humans do feel at least here in the United States in particular We have a society of human beings that feel very alone And I can relate to this I can relate to that I can relate to feeling that way I remember growing up. I was surrounded by people in my life all the time and now I work from home It's very isolating Humans are rather isolated these days. This is a byproduct of COVID as well and feeling isolated makes us make choices out in the dating marketplace for Temporary relief, but that temporary relief has major consequences when we choose the wrong person over and over again This is why I invite you to hey, by the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches Right for you. My job is to help you fix your broken heart. That's what I'm trying to do If you've got a broken picker, that's my job to help you In fact, I wrote a book about healing the inner soul called what the heck is self love anyway? A journey of personal development self up in spiritual work. There's a link below to get a copy of my book You know We have a population that does little or no Individual work in healing Because they believe that If somebody else loves them that will be the healing process because sadly We are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself But that doesn't erase the pain disgust or fear so many people are experiencing right now Excuse me. I got a scratch on my nose. It's coming from the fan, uh, or a little slight itch Um You know, we have a lot of wounded people Seeking connection and yet they're showing up unhealed So again coming back to the beginning of the story just like the man who showed up that way If you're showing up that way and you're still charged by a past relationship It will bleed into any future relationship that you have is this sinking in is this resonating Please let me know if it is please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell And again all the links below to schedule a discovery call with me to join my group All that good stuff is in the links below All right, it's time for q&a if you have a question Write the word question in the chat box Write the word question And post the question or you can purchase a super sticker super chat all the monies from the super sticker super chat Goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son conor as oh, that's pollen there. That's my son conor right there He's my son who passed away a few years ago in his honor I donate to causes like the hoffman process Insight institute just to name a few and seeds of love and if you'd like to join the hot seat Click right there as well um Rose wrote in Dear jonathan, why is it so bad for women to desire a provider protector? So we won't have to deal with the highly masculine labor system uh I lifeguard as one of my jobs, but it doesn't take it's toll Well, first off, there's nothing wrong with a woman desiring a provider protector. There's I I mean, I I don't know Where society what'd you say? Why is it so bad for there? There? I don't believe there's anything wrong with a woman Who desires a provider protector and I'm assuming he's going to want a nurturer type of personality um, I think the challenge with it though is You know here in the united states, uh Any of most people over 45 years are divorced. Okay the average okay So divorce comes with it oftentimes alimony child support visitation rights family court, you know all this stuff, right? and then um Given that roughly 80 of americans make less than a hundred thousand dollars a year On the average american doesn't have enough savings in the bank to cover them if they're out of work for three to six months Okay, the reality is it takes almost two incomes to make a relationship work for the vast majority of americans Okay, so so if you're looking for a sole provider protector, just remember that less than uh Three two percent of the american population makes over a quarter million dollars a year I think less than 20 percent make over a hundred thousand dollars a year. God dang it. I've got so itchy So I I think it's just important to recognize that that takes two incomes to make most relationships work So I recognize you may want that I think realistically spanking is it possible to get it? That's just a question I have Okay, but there's nothing wrong with wanting it Um Jane wants to say yes, jonathan. Thank you. This is good advice. I appreciate that So again, if you have a question write the word question then post the question thereafter Jennifer wants to tell us that she will continue to throw men under the bus that many don't heal Or do the inner work? I have a guy who obsessed about an x 20 years ago Again, I'm just I think if that if you are charged by a past relationship That charge that energy that if it's bitter or jaded It's it's going to carry forward with any new relationship you have. I that's just what I've observed That's what therapists have told me. So when you've healed, that's a good time to enter into a new relationship That's just a suggestion. You can anybody can do whatever they want. Okay, latasha says So you never tell them about any past relationship info if they ask no, that's a good point So as I said before when you don't have to give all the details You can simply say my ex and I at irreconcilable difference. I take ownership in my part While they don't take ownership in their part. We've chosen to divorce and that's simply it That's all you need to give that's all you need to tell someone You don't need if you feel the need to give the 411 And just want you to imagine that need to do it Means there's a place coming inside of you that feels like you're vindicated by sharing that And for any new person it's an if you feel the need to vindicate yourself Then probably you haven't healed because when you've healed from yourself when you've healed internally You don't need to give the details. It's I just say simply we had irreconcilable differences You know, we we were misaligned with each other We felt like it was important to separate and move on and that's what we did. That's it. That's all you have to say You don't have to give the details if a man was giving you the laundry list of details And he went on and on and on and on and on trust me It's a turnoff And it's a turnoff to a guide too That's all I'm saying Let's keep going here All right, Marie D has a question Psychologist phd over at second at second act tv said men can turn off their feelings immediately if necessary. Is that true? I don't believe we can I think we can Stuff our feelings. I think there's a difference between turning them off and stuffing it. I think Some men have the capacity to regulate their emotions. I know um For example jet fighter pilots, you know have a capacity to regulate their emotions, you know When they're traveling at mock speeds and they're and they're weaving and dodging and dog fighting all that stuff They're able to regulate their emotions. I think people that are trained at regulating their emotions have that ability I think men oftentimes stuff their emotions and by the way Why do men commit suicide nine times greater than women? Why do men die sooner than women? It's because they stuff their emotions That's one of the primary cause of death is the holding on to negative emotions and feelings So to the extent that they turn it off. I think they have a capacity to stuff their emotions to um Deflect their emotions. Now. I think some people have the capacity to regulate their emotions I think some men are more intellectual. So they're in their head not in their body I think women tend to be in their body more and our emotions are a physical Experience as well as in a mental experience. So yes, um, but that's my interpretation Maria D. I hope that helps By the way, does anyone want to jump on the hot seat? Jill? Why don't you get in the house? All right, Amanda's in the has a question My boyfriend 40 doesn't want to move in together and says he'll be ready in another six months We met about a year ago. I'm 36 and I want to move forward now. Why does he want to wait? well I'm going to suspect that there's a lot of logistics to go on into moving together One of the primary things is that the giving you have to basically You you lose a bit of independence You lose a bit of space when you move in with someone and that's a really big thing to process There's financial things that need to be discussed. That's another thing And I suspect there's a level of doubt or there isn't a level of full trust there I suspect there there isn't there is a level of doubt that he is experiencing That's unexpressed I think couples have a tear do a very poor job of actually Articulating their true feelings about one another most importantly Discussing doubts and one of the things I learned in my most recent relationship Is we oftentimes shared thoughts with one another Now these thoughts also brought with it a potential for Causing doubt in the other person. In other words, I'm sharing a thought about the relationship Which carries with it some doubt, but it's merely a thought It's not a statement in fact and I think couples have a hard time sharing some of their thoughts That might be precluding them for building deeper intimacy with someone I think it's important to get out some of the fearful thoughts As an opportunity to work through it That's just my perception anyway in this case, Amanda. So um But I I would say this is a you know six months isn't I mean like you've been together a year six months isn't that much more time Is it that will wait six months to talk about it? That might be a delay tactic on his part So I'd have a deeper conversation with him about now I get some clarity onto what doubt he might be experiencing. That's just my thoughts anyway all right I don't know how to pronounce this name ray I've been dating this guy for six months I feel we haven't developed this rapport where we feel comfortable picking up the phone calling to say hi How's your day instead of just text a few times? Um, well, there isn't a question there, but what I suspect is boy if in six months you don't feel comfortable do that You guys probably built the tech by the way I'm going to suspect you guys have a long distance relationship. I'm going to make this I'm going to suspect it's long distance and you spend most of your time texting Just know this about men Even in my relationship when we are you know, like listen I'd rather physically when you're when you're excited to be with someone You want to physically be with them talking on the phone is draining. It's arduous. It's it's it's annoying Okay for men in particular when when we're not with you we're recharging our batteries so to speak And we don't want to talk on the phone most of the time but If you're in a long distance relationship, you're dependent upon the phone and after a while it gets exhausting This is why relationships are built face to face when you're doing social activities hobbies mutual interests spending time with family and friends traveling together Teamwork building skills both in your personal and your professional life intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy If these roots are developed where you go. I can't wait to hang out with the person. I'm with That's the kind of relationship. I'm going to assume you want. So why are you choosing? I'm going to suspect a long distance relationship where it's just a phone relationship Those are not very satisfying and they particularly aren't satisfying the men All right, jill is in the house Hey Hey there. How you doing? Good. Thank you. How about yourself? Good. I just got in my room. I'm in Santa Fe, New Mexico for a conference I'm with Jen and other people friends of mine and You know we're at a conference. So This walked in the door So do you got a question for me or was this just a No, I had a question. I threw some questions in there. One was there was a part one part two One was um, you I've gone out with a guy twice for dinner Okay, we'll contact And what I'd like what contact no physical contact Kiss or a little kiss on the cheek or something like that. Okay, and then This is part two would be like, um, I'm dating chatting with somebody on an app and You know, you kind of develop some rapport, but I'm kind of realizing like, uh, he's not for me How do I how do I in a nice way treat them with respect and be an integrity and just say, you know what? You're just not for me Okay, so Was there a question with the first part or was just Same essentially so it's basically how do you let a guy down when you just realize they're not for you But those are two situations that I've been I've come across personally recently You know, I wish Marie was here. She was the master at that. Um, but Well, because there was a level of tact that she has uh, whereas I'm more like a Mack truck So, um, I think if she were here, she would say something along the lines of you know Just expressing gratitude and appreciation for the time that you've spent together and upon further reflection I don't feel an alignment. You can use the word alignment between the two of you. I don't feel that we're a match Um, I don't feel that kind of connection that I desire and you know, because of that I'm going to you know, kindly exit from this, you know Uh engagement that we have this we're engaging in this getting to know you process I'm going to exit and I'm going to wish you all the best in your search for finding someone who's More aligned to who you are and what you want. So start with a level of gratitude appreciation Express that it is a mismatch a misalignment um You know a lack of connection And and wish them all the best You know in their endeavors I would do it via text message. You don't need to look at this isn't someone you slept with so, you know You don't need to do anything other than a text message And I this is by the way now a lot of people will criticize me for this But you know, what's the point of getting on the phone doing this? You know, is it more polite? No, you're conveying information. That's all you're doing You know, you're conveying it via text Okay, or an email is another methodology of doing it people just happen to respond to their text much sooner um But I don't think this is necessarily over the phone now again if this was someone that you'd been physically intimate with um You know depending on how long the two of you've been together you would do it in person or even over the phone okay How does that feel how's that land for you? But I would want to know from your point of view how that feels and and also like You know, how does that land for you? Does that because wouldn't you be if it's like so quick? It's like well got what you're just getting to know each other, you know, how do you well the argument is well You barely know me. You know, how can you feel this way? That's there So that's their little kid fighting for that's the ego coming in and saying, you know Like they're not honoring what you just said They're arguing that you're wrong. Okay. They they like you more than you like them Okay, and they're making a plea. They're making a bargain. They're you know They're they're bargaining or playing for you to change their mind you know If I ever you know, I and I've done this before I've been in the exact same position I'm like, how could you well? I mean this would people I dated a few a little bit longer I'm like, how could you do this? I'm a great guy and blah blah blah. I would argue for my you know my um My resume if you will And I realize if I have to argue for my resume You don't see the if you don't see my worth. I really do believe I think we have the capacity to fairly quickly see a person's Worth their soul their spirit very early on when we genuinely connect at an energetic level I once met a woman at a conference. I'll never forget this. We were at we're a table of Five six women. I was the only guy. I loved it And and I had to do an exercise with a woman and literally I mean like we were vibing like at a level that I just couldn't believe how much synergy was between us And um, we went and hang out together the whole weekend and we we briefly, you know explored something But it was a there was a misalignment for another a few other reasons But what my point was it was so easy to connect with this person What I've observed is most people who are in a happy relationship They tend to vibe Fairly quickly that vibe that connection that synergy There there's just something intangible. It's and so if I had to plead my case I'm actually putting that other person up on a pedestal. I'm I'm I'm devaluing myself and and so and yes I've done that and I'm sure this guy might do that But you still have to set a boundary. Thank you. No, thank you and sometimes it's I can't even tell you why I just don't feel like we're a fit. I can't because there it isn't a why That you see the other person's holding on why aren't you loving me? You know like and you barely know each other you've only had a couple dates But why aren't you into me and then they start to devalue themselves? And this is where a lot of people become bitter jaded, you know And and as I was saying in the beginning of this broadcast so But you know what if he's a grown up he's like, you know, by the way any grown up knows There's another bus of a beautiful woman coming around the corner type of thing Yeah, yeah, it okay. That makes sense and that's so helpful thank you for clarifying going a little deeper there and then With someone like for women a lot of us on dating apps We get a lot of selection a lot of options and so we're chatting with a lot of people at one time a lot of men and so Usually I'll start a conversation with someone and then I can quickly see oh this ain't it This guy's not it for me And I want I just I want such integrity and I want it. I don't want to hurt feelings. I don't want people to feel You know rejected. I know that's I'm probably taking on someone else's feelings responsibility I'm not trying to do that But just to be to have them be able to to go to the next to next person and not feel Like like this is a terrible idea to be to I'm gonna I'm this is never gonna work kind of thing I want them to hope and so How even if it's just like a initial conversation and I've the one I'm the one who made the match and I said hello first on say Bumble or something. Yeah. Yeah talking. It's like oh heck no I know this guy, you know, send him love send him love, but how do that's again? It's the same thing just saying You know what? I don't think it's A match we haven't even talked so I mean there's no like I can't even say I don't feel you know I don't have any basis. I just can tell why I have a sense that I can just tell it's not it But there's no there's no history. You haven't even gotten to know me You know kind of things so it's the same same rules apply So it's interesting. It reminds me of a story. I'd like to share with everyone. So I remember some years ago I um, I got a text message from bumble from a woman and it was like a good solid paragraph You know, it wasn't high or how you doing it was like a real paragraph And I wrote her back about the equivalent paragraph. I feel like if someone writes a paragraph I want to match their their communication And she wrote me back a nice I can't remember what the message was. I said you want to get on the phone and she said sure And it turns out logistically it took a like an hour or two longer than when we'd initially text So by the time she said call me in a couple hours kind of thing. So I did And when I got on the phone, it was like Hi like That kind of like I mean just like hi And I'm like, oh, hey, how's it going blah blah blah? She goes Fine, like I mean that kind of energy Now literally within the first 30 seconds. I I could feel everything inside of me freeze up I'm like, I just feel like resting bitch face without seeing the resting bitch face, right? and um And she goes how's your day going? I said something like oh, I'm having a little challenge with my son or I was having a little challenge. You know, I I did say something negative And as we communicated I realized that the old Jonathan would have spent an hour talking to this person to please this person I'm a people pleaser and I could feel like almost resting bitch face So my job is to convert that resting bitch face turn a half upside turn a frown upside down kind of thing That's my pattern And within literally one and a half minutes. I said I'm sensing the energy between us feels off Maybe it'd be best to speak at another time And she said Yeah, you're probably you're probably off right now like the minute I mean she said you're off right now And I'm like, you know what you're right and we were done with the phone call I want to say it was it within two minutes and 20 seconds. I mean that's how long it lasted But what was fascinating to me and why I'm sharing the story is the old Jonathan would have stayed on the phone Try to impress her change this person's mind, you know, because I'm a people pleaser And I don't like it anyone doesn't like me and I stood in my ground and I said, you know what? I feel like the energy is misaligned between us and and what she said back Yeah, you're right. Something's wrong with you basically is what she said and I'm like, you know what? I'll take the bullet Because I just want to like, you know, you're probably right and of course I never called her again Um, what a gift, you know, I think standing your ground Is merely just an act of self-love You know, it's not you're not rejecting another person. You're just not exploring anything with them. That's it You know, this isn't like You know, this isn't like, hey, you had this great date You had this great time you went back and slept with each other and then you never got a call again That's kind of fucked up. Okay But to someone you barely know, there's nothing wrong with that That's not rejection and if a person just like when my ego got bruised when those types of situations happen to me You know, it took me a while to figure out that's just my little kid that you know My little arrogant little bratty kid inside of me that doesn't like to be turned down But that's on me. That's not on there. You know, not everyone's cup of tea Right. Okay. So it's so it's better and that's great great and help very helpful And so at some point if there's someone that just doesn't respond or they respond back and It's like, I just know this guy. I'm not feeling it. If I just get busy and I don't respond back right away I don't want that. Well, you know, I think I think that everyone deserves respect Do you think that everyone deserves a response at some point to say, hey, you know what? Yeah, I'm doing something else or I'm moving a different world Yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt. So I have a real problem with the amount of Discounting people treat the dating process. Um, I want to share another story for everyone I remember I was supposed to have a second date with a woman and we planned a date and but we were just going to talk You know, like because we were traveling two separate distances one on a second date, right? In other words, we had a great first date second date And I called her up to like make the final arrangements of where we would meet halfway And I got her voicemail and I called five minutes later and I got her voicemail and I texted and I got this And this and this went on for like an hour or two and this is already now past the time we're meeting And And by the time she got on the phone, she said, uh, oh my girlfriend called and she was having an emergency You know break up with a boyfriend And I thought to myself You know if I was your boss Would you have treated me the same way and my point is absolutely not So what that showed was a lack of respect for me And my point in bringing up this elaborate story is I think how we treat other people we should treat them no different than a friend Or treat them like our boss and I don't mean to give them that power or whatnot But how we treat someone should be no less than a friend or a boss now friends We sometimes blow off because we have a lot of history and we can do that We can do that but you wouldn't ever do that to an employer a client a vendor You know that sort of thing So I don't I believe you know the idea we got busy look at my my phone butt dialed three times today You know, I mean if there's no We are not that busy That's a disrespect in other words treat people at the same level you would treat a boss that level of respect Okay, and I really have a hard time with people that don't operate that way because you know It's the disrespect in the dating process that causes a big chunk of this frustration So I don't encourage that Thank you. That's helpful. That's exactly what I was getting at is that Whole thing of just closing it out if you're going to start something you're going to open the app And you're going to get in there and you have a time on a Friday afternoon Then you've got to follow through and you get to stay in it You can't just all of a sudden jump in and then a month later go Oh, that's right. I opened that app a month ago kind of thing So I you know people do this all the time. Oh my god. I forgot I got busy something happened with my you know My son and blah blah. Look it. I had a date on the day my son passed away. I had a date that night I still had the courtesy To text her and say a big emergency came up I didn't give the details a big emergency came up and I cancel and I canceled the date And I later went on to share with her what happened If I can do that and I lost my fucking son and I'm screaming to everybody when I say this There's a little bit of charge coming from me If I lost my son and I can cancel a date any fucking else on this planet Can have the courtesy to treat someone with respect Sorry, I'm not yelling at you. Joe. I'm just saying I I I really I despise disrespect That's so and I'm guilty of it. So I despise myself too. I have my own issues I want to do better. That's why I'm asking because it's it's just respect I wanted to make sure I was and I want to address something else you shared By the way, if anyone else oh, rachel just jumped on but if any I want to share something else Communicating with let's see that online dating or dating apps is merely it's like It's like a telemarketer You're dialing for dollars. You're dialing for dollars. You're dialing for dollars. That's all it is And it is a very laborious Convoluted way to make a sale so to speak Okay, so I I highly recommend the first communication be something of substantial depth Like that first message should be a paragraph and then pay attention to how much they respond back and quickly turn into a telephone call You know and have a dialogue with one another but rather than have a surface dialogue have a deeper dialogue What are you seeking in a row? By the way, everybody All the other dating coaches will tell you to do the opposite of what I'm doing But if the if everyone else was so right, why is everybody so miserable? Yeah, I believe, you know, um I have a client of mine. Who's a who's a Lawyer and I said, you know what instead of interrogating men. I want you to look at as a deposition Okay, you're deposing the other party to get all the facts so you can go to trial, which means dating Dating is just a trial and the deposition is the fact finding before the trial You know, we all we know is you committed a murder, but we don't know how so we have to depose you I'm just getting on that I'll remember that. Thank you All right, sweetheart. Can I send you off with the big gigantic Jonathan bear hug? Thank you. Same to you. All right big hugs. Thanks Thanks All right, all right, rachel will get to you in a second, but I saw kim's question here and I want to honor it Question this sounds like a way to get emotionally available. Do you think that that's the way I figured out my x Was an avoidant emotionally unavailable. We split after 10 years. Um, there wasn't a question there um, sorry about that all right James jumped in and said how long should a man wait before he moves on to moves on to After a divorce or spouse dies um I think it takes depending on how long if a couple's been married for over 10 years I would say it takes a good two years to unravel the tapestry of an old life And integrate into oneself. It's a good rule of thumb in addition Have having By the way, most people have one or two transition relationships during that period of time So i'm not a big fan of dating someone who's uh in the midst of a divorce and if their spouse dies, you know You're dealing depending on How she died and was he deeply in love with her if he was deeply in love with her um, that's a that can be very problematic um Dating a widower And some widowers immediately attached themselves to another person my uh ex-wife's Mother married a widower and they were together for 20 She they were together 27 years before he passed away longer than his first marriage So a lot of widowers attacks themselves to the first person they meet. I just I do know that Okay, so thank you so much for that. All right, let's keep scrolling. Let's get rachel in the house. Hi everyone I'm back on the hot seat again. You're back on the hot seat. I think I like the abuse from you john Hot seat tough love well, you know, it's it's not um It's not an uncomfortable feeling for me completely because of my upbringing So I can kind of deal with it my friend. I just texted her and I told her I was going to be on the hot seat And she said I think you like the hot seat and I said I think I'm a masochist But um anyway, I hope you do. I hope you don't feel Like even though my my style is tough love. I hope you feel a sense of Empathy from me. I hope you feel a sense of care. I mean i'm i'm doing this from a place of good intention Absolutely Yeah, I hope you feel that way. No, I do. I mean I I wouldn't I wouldn't come on your channel I wouldn't post questions. I wouldn't be in the chat if I didn't feel some sense of empathy or some some sense of Genuine just genuineness from you. So I do appreciate that and I appreciate your honesty Well, then so hit me very well might I appreciate the appreciation so hit me with your best job Okay, so I know that you're really big on self-help and I took the initiative to make an appointment to see a therapist Okay tomorrow. It's the first time I've been to a therapist in a while and I feel like the last therapist I had I don't feel like she did me any good and I stayed with her anyway because I was kind of like in the midst of a contentious divorce Okay, so when I go to see this person tomorrow, I know we always talk about how you have to vet the person that you're Even before you go on a first date. Yeah, do you have any suggestions on questions? I can ask this person so that I don't waste my time I want to be the best version of myself I can be when I put myself out in the dating arena the dating arena and that's why I Just decided to make the appointment to get a therapist So let me be clear. What specific area are you what what? What are you healing just so I'm clear. I want to well, I mean to just be blunt I want to avoid dating a person like my ex. I want to try to get to the root of why I put myself in a position where I allow myself to be in a relationship where I don't feel fulfilled or happy And I won't go into I mean, you know being married for 14 years and feeling the way that I did and just feeling like That was the best that I could get And so here I am and I'm single again So the quite well first off um Are you okay? So I would I would want to know if the therapist is familiar with a mago therapy. I am a go a mago The book is called getting the love you want by harvelle hendrix and hell and hunt by the way There's a copy of all the books. I recommend the links below um, so familiar with a mago therapy because this is most likely the stems from a childhood Experience and then you're reliving this experience with every person you meet thereafter I would try to get a sense of their Their practice specifically Do they how much of their practice is a couples practice? How much of its individual practice? Particularly in the area of healing childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult traumas I try to get a sense of their expertise, you know Um You know a therapist is like I mean in some ways is like dating too, you know, I mean, I think you kind of even brushed upon that. I think There are a lot of people a lot of okay. Here's the challenge with therapists I think most therapists have good intentions. Okay A lot of therapists are therapists because they're fucked up. Okay I'm gonna say this, you know, and and that's what causes them to become therapists We heal what we need to work on. I think there's no doubt in my own life You know self-love I wrote a book about it because I need to do a lot of work in that area Um, so and it and the journey is never you never get anywhere. It's just you're I think it's a constant Evolving and so forth of self-love and that sort of thing Um a good therapist really truly understands Um a mago, you know The roots of where pains come from Um sadly a lot the problem with therapy. It's usually just once a week. Okay, and what happens is you get a vent And then you're given maybe you're given some tools. Maybe you're not and then you're just You vent it and you're still at square one I am a big fan of doing workshops and retreats that are a couple days long where you can immerse yourself into some work And then ideally seeing a therapist more than once or seeing a therapist two or three times a week now That's an expense a substantial expense But I would say if if you had to spend one year in a therapist office once a week Or if you saw a therapist, okay, so that's 52 sessions and let's say it's 200 bucks a session That's 10 grand. I'd rather put that 10 grand and see them once every day For a period of of how many of sessions with that that would be 10 weeks And you'd get a lot more accomplished because you're you're doing it day in day out day in day out And that's the thing. I mean when you go it's sometimes it's not always easy to to see if it's a good fit If it's someone that's actually going to be able to help you And I I guess there's no way of really knowing that on a first, you know Ideally coming from a referral, you know, and and there's a on their level of expertise. I would say, you know Somebody who's relatively new may not have enough experience Um, but they might be more cost effective. Someone is too old might not get your Demographics so to speak, you know, ideally someone that's roughly a contemporary Within 10 or 20 years of your age. I'm an older Because I'm assuming you're fairly young so Um not to suggest someone much older can't but I think there's a level of Of if you don't know the current dating marketplace today It's like like this is where a lot of my contemporaries that have been married for a decade and have kids You know, I know you you you you you teach a lot from your experience, but believe me The dating marketplace has changed in the last five years substantially Uh, and if you haven't lived it, you don't really get it the way a person like myself who lives it Or has lived it so um, ideally I think that as well Um, I would look at their yelp reviews. I would look at any other reviews that they might have They probably I would look to see if they've been cited by the the board, you know I might be curious enough to go that far. Okay But some of it is just building rapport and sometimes it's just a gut feeling, you know I can sometimes look at a Website of a therapist and I just get a gut feeling about the person And then sometimes that's my fear and ego and sometimes it's just my intuition talking. So that's the way I would approach it Okay, that does help. I um, I'll do a follow-up At your next uh livestream and let you know Hey while you're on we got a question from someone and I'd like you to answer it Can you see the question? Um Is in a long-term distance relationship is real-time face-to-face video communication more power powerful than audio text What do you think is the answer to that question? Why why is that question? You want me to answer that question or yeah, I'm just doing some fun, you know, let's have the So what do you think the answers? Okay, so I'll repeat it. I think so. Yes Is real-time face-to-face video communication more powerful than audio or text What's your answer? I would have to say definitely I mean if you can't see the person for real in the in the in the flesh face-to-face I'd say it goes like this face-to-face face-time Telephone yes Okay, that's the order and I 100% absolutely agree Text is the least powerful Telephone is slightly better face time is better and face-to-face is the best So thank you for the you want to answer another question for fun Yeah Um, oh here's a good one. Let's see how you'd respond to this one Jennifer says if a man is an anxious attachment erectile dysfunction, can this both be worked on I met someone who shared this He has a sexual shame trauma. It's definitely made me step back from him Do you want to give it a shot? I'll go ahead and I'll take you off the hot seat Okay So as a man who is a slight anxious attachment style I can relate to this number one number two Listen, I'm over 50 years old. I've been using a blue pill for not, you know, a good half decade. Okay Every most guys over 50 use a blue pill. It's just natural just like women need lubricant You know men need a blue pill So can this be worked on absolutely a blue pill for the for the ed And the anxious attachment style how that can be worked on is built through trust In a relationship how that's built is by him communicating That he might have a need so the avoidant person isn't Isn't a being as demonstrative isn't being as communicative or maybe as being a little standoffish What's important is the anxious person make a request based on his needs It might need more communication might need A sense of of words to demonstrate a sense of care of affection They make the request and then the avoidant person either complies with the request Or if they don't it's just going to cause the anxious person to feel more fear more anxiety The anxious person is simply in need of safety security of validation in the relationship There's nothing wrong with wanting those things the avoidant person Is fearful of too much closeness and the anxious person desires more connection more validation more Safety in the relationship. I think when couples can talk about these things openly sincerely and honestly You know, this is where the real depth of trust is built with another person And so to answer jennifer's questions it can absolutely be worked on So rachel thanks for being the guinea pig on that one This guy on it All right. Oh We're gonna do a big bear a group coming to give you a big big bear bug to both of you Thank you for being on Thank you for having me. All right. Keep us posted. I will all right. You're very welcome. All right. Bye now All right, let's see who else we've got in the house So if anyone else wants to join at the last minute for the last few minutes of our live stream uh, let's see Jane says Ed or sexual dysfunction bits. I could deal with that But I need the conversation and shared memories and labs. Okay. Thank you for that Oh, um, elizabeth wants to go on to say For therapists check and verify their credentials if they're expert specific in the therapy treatments that you seek Exactly sherry is correct All right, let's keep going here um Oh, jennifer wants to let us know I had a bumble call like jonathan is discussing the guy was attacking me on the phone We weren't in alignment. I deleted the conversation immediately after we spoke. There you go Wow Oh, I'm so far behind here. All right. Do we have any questions? Let's see Bump bump bump bump bump bump If you have a question write the word question then post the question thereafter Oh harlow's in the house Hey there jonathan. Hi there. Do you actually have a picture? Is it just? No, I I don't want to really be seen visually But I just want to say I noticed that jill, um Jill connections. What was her name? Jill Collins Jill Collins connections. Yeah I was just kind of wondering, um, because I'm really here on a genuine basis This is a sincere basis Trying to get answers and help from you But I noticed that one of her questions was How do I, um Turn down a date or tell a man that he doesn't that I'm not really entrusted in him Okay, I was just wondering she has her own web Page she's into Um life coaching and all of that So I'm kind of wondering just as a genuine viewer Why she is coming to you Asking that she's a member of yours as well And I was just kind of wondering is she coming here to ask you that? Um because it was a pre-arranged question I mean, she doesn't seem like the kind of person that would genuinely have that type of question Okay, so I want to address something first off I'm curious to know why you're curious like why are you actually curious? I'm curious because people come here for genuine answers And when someone comes into the chat who doesn't appear to be genuine and it seems like a setup That's not fair for everyone else who comes in here for truthful honest and transparent answers So I I'm a little disappointed. I'll be candid with you. I'm a little disappointed you saw it that way I'm why I'm saying the word disappointed Yeah, that's that's that's a judgment on your part because I do know for fact. She was very sincere in her question So By the way, let me let me know I know her so Why did you pretend to not know her then when she came? I actually acknowledged her. I acknowledged her. I said I I think I said hey, sweetheart because I know her I didn't and if I didn't it's I mean I didn't want to get into a whole diatribe about knowing her I'm answering a question no different than anyone else. Okay, so with that said I'm a coach and I have a coach in my life, you know the areas where I need help You know a life coach a good coach Has coaches in their life. I have a coach. She has a coach even though. She's a coach You know, it's just like tiger woods is the best golfer on the planet But he has golfing he has coaches to help him In to make him a better player So why don't you invite her as a guest? Rather than being in the hot seat where people Are Problems and you invite them in the hot seat like Rachel for example The difference is she should have been a guest Rather than someone coming You're telling me what to do. Okay. No, what I'm saying is as a viewer if you want to be open honest and transparent You should Questions I have to mute you for a second. You're not listening to me. She came on sincerely Okay, she had a sincere question based on her experience She doesn't need to be an interview for that to do that She's a human being who's allowed to come on and ask any questions she wants Okay, so just because you believe it should be a certain way. I don't think anyone else here I think they I think a couple people even commented appreciating that she brought it up So I'm going to take you off mute because I wanted to be able to share So let me be clear about something. I know for a fact. She was sincere Okay, I think she genuinely wanted to know that and she doesn't need to come on as a As a interview to ask those questions for the benefit of everyone and her question had validity for everyone All right, go ahead This thing is yeah, absolutely her question had By the way, before you say another word, I really need and by the way, I'm doing this as a teaching lesson for everyone I really need to know that you heard me That you understood what I said and you can acknowledge what I said I really need this before you're allowed to say anything else I need you to really acknowledge what I'd said as the truth because if you can't I don't want to have this conversation I acknowledge what you said is your truth Okay But what I'm saying is whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm acknowledged. No, I want you to acknowledge. It's the truth Okay, I'm acknowledging that it's your reality Well, then you know what harlow then then I don't want to have this conversation with you because if you're going to try to suggest otherwise Then this is no, I acknowledge that Reality it's your truth. It's your reality. No, I'm telling you if she was on here She would say I'm going to make an assumption here Well bring her on here. Jill. Can you come on here and join us? If she's still on she's welcome to come on The thing is jonathan she would have been But the fact that she's coming on here by the way, you're muffled right now. We can't hear you The fact that she's coming on here. She would have been a fantastic guest The fact that she's coming on here asking How do I turn a guy down after I by the way? She was on bumble the other day. She's asking a serious question. Just like rachel asked a question Why are you saying it should be parsed differently? When turn a tender and get research Okay She's building her business as well. She's asking questions on bumbling so folks you know I'm And if I lose you harlow, I'm sorry. I'm I'm sorry because I really this is this is actually this is an interesting commentary um You know folks I well here's jill. All right. She's gonna jump on All right, you get to you get to I don't want to say defend yourself But but uh, she thinks you're pimping yourself out to get business Oh my gosh, you know, I just love your community. I mean it's these are genuine questions I'm dating just like you all are everybody Same boat ladies and gentlemen who might be here You know, I'm 52 years old. I'm a widow of seven years and I mean I have these questions I want to know from a man's perspective just like you all do harlow. I appreciate you. I respect you I send you love And I really appreciate you and it takes a lot to be vulnerable and come up here And so I think everyone should do it If you have the courage to do so because you're gonna get a lot of good good answers from jonathan So that's it Well, I I This is a lodge someone she For the benefit of everyone, um, I I was interviewed by jill uh some weeks ago for her channel She was we were referred by one of my clients And I've done some help for jill just to say this um And and I'll be candid with you when harlow came on I didn't appreciate her attack What it felt like was an attack of your character And I went into my natural protector mode. I'm protective of people in my life now I'll be candid I wasn't very protective of harlow because I felt she was attacking someone I knew And someone I knew came on with absolute sincerity With that said I felt as though it reached a point where I was no longer being heard And and I wasn't even being acknowledged that this is the truth not my truth. This was a sincere Request on your part and then to go on to critics to to claim that you're trying to hustle business from this Which was disappointing to me I harlow if you're still on You know, I I'm just here to acknowledge that um I know she came from a sincere place and when I Was ignored when I had stated That truth and I didn't feel that you were listening. I didn't want to communicate anymore That was my boundary because I don't need this platform to be a place of argument This is really a platform to help people grow beyond their To to both heal to find out information But most importantly I'm a big advocate for people finding juicy delicious healthy happy relationships That's why I continually offer content in this area and jill was one Just like everyone else on here that sought to get some information because this is real life stuff for her So anyway, that was very gracious of you jill My pleasure. I just grabbed a computer real quick to jump back in but um, yeah, thank you very much Jonathan and thanks everybody Who's listening for the feedback too? It's always appreciated All right, everyone, uh, I'm gonna take you off now. Thank you. So let me see Okay, a few people have said some critical criticizing things for harlow. Let's not do that Let's be a place of love Just recognize that humans can have differences of opinion and sometimes what we have to do is set boundaries When there is a disagreement and then in relationships sometimes set those boundaries and then revisit from a place of love And I think in the case of jill she was operating from a place of love So anyway, um, and like um, so anyway, let's see what else is going on in the chat box All right All right, so anyway folks, I think this will be a great place It's one one one one great place to wrap up. I hope you found value in what I shared if you did Uh, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel hit that notification bell as well If you'd like to connect with me check out the links to a free discovery call with me check out all my groups Uh instagram check out the books. I recommend all that good stuff And if you've got any friends send them to my website as well I'm gonna wrap up this videos I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jonathan bear hug of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pat a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank nancy and lisa and cupcake and iran and elizabeth and rachel and jill and weijin and sherry and kassandra and maria and anna and uh, let's see Fair poets, uh, jojica everyone. Thanks so much wishing you a fab day. Be well by now