 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. The limit here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, John Hubbard, Janine Ruse and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First word from RCA Victor. Announcing the world's most wanted 21-inch television at the lowest price in history, the Master 21 by RCA Victor. 25 million American families helped RCA Victor build a Master 21. From TV owners everywhere, we've gotten the facts on what you want in a television set. First, 21-inch television. Second, table model television. Third, a simple cabinet. Fourth, clear, strong, steady pictures. That's what you said you want, and that's what you get in RCA Victor's new Master 21. 21-inch table model TV with television's finest pictures. You get the chassis with the same powerful picture performance that in test after test, rated higher than sets costing many dollars more. You get the magic monitor, automatic tuning, golden throat fidelity sound. The price? As little as $199.95. How can RCA Victor deliver such value at such low cost at solo a price? The answer is found in two words. RCA Victor, know how. RCA Victor Research, the greatest in the industry, joins with RCA Victor Production, also the greatest in the industry, to bring you this low-priced quality receiver that sets a new standard of value. See the new Master 21 at your RCA Victor dealers now. Only $199.95. And remember, every year, more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Bay and Bill Harris. Ladies and gentlemen, as our show opens today, Bill Harris and his wife Alice are driving from their home in Encino toward Hollywood. And although it's a lovely California day, Mr. Harris isn't happy. In fact, the only thing that would make life worth living for him right now would be a new 1954 automobile. Well, every year at this time, you get this uncontrollable yen for a new car, and it's so silly. There's nothing silly about it. I've been driving this car long enough, and it was secondhand when I got it. Oh, it runs all right as far as I can see. Honey, that's because you're not mechanical minded. This car's beginning to fall to pieces. That's the last time I'm ever going to buy a used car. But the car was guaranteed, wasn't it? Who owned it before you did? What did the salesman say? He told me the car had been driven only 50,000 miles by a careful San Diego sailor. It's the only car I've ever seen with tattooed sidewall. It's the truth. I don't mind that, but it's the things he tattooed on there. You haven't seen anything till you see Lily St. Cyr do a muscle dance at 30 miles an hour. Every cop on the freeways developing revolving eyeballs. Honey, you'd say just about anything to have an excuse for buying a new car. Wait a minute. It's not that, Alice. These big cars are beginning to look corny. Besides, I'm working in that picture, the high and the mighty, and everybody in it has a little foreign sports car, like a Jaguar. A Jaguar? Honey, just give me one good reason why you should drive around town in an open sports car. Because I got a velvet beanie for Christmas, and I want to see if the propeller turns. What are you stopping here for? Oh, I told Elliot I'd drop by and pick him up. He's having a business conference here. Here? In this shabby neighborhood? Yeah, yeah, this is the place all right. I'll be back in a minute, honey. Okay. Oh, there he is over there. Hi, Elliot. Oh, just one minute. I'll be with you just as soon as I made this decision. Gentlemen, I'm compelled to weigh this situation from every angle. If I pursue the one course of action, I run the risk of a sizable financial loss. Whereas, on the other hand, while the safer course is rather promising, I feel that there comes a time in every man's life when he is forced to take a gamble. Gentlemen, I have reached a decision. The 12 ball in the side pocket. Why do you can't win every time? Here's my quarter. See you later, gentlemen. Come on, Curly. Look, Elliot, why do you waste so much time in a pool? Curly, don't get on me all the time. I have to pick up a buck or two shooting pool. I'm not the executive type like my brother. He amassed a fortune. Legitimately? Sure. He thought of something nobody ever thought of before. He counterfeit special delivery stamps. He counterfeit special delivery stamps? Yeah, that's the simplest thing in the world. He takes a three-cent stamp, and he paints a bicycle under George Washington. Is that the same brother who puts the beer caps on the railroad tracks so he can use them in the telephone? Yeah, he's getting so the operator doesn't say number, please. He says, what do you have? Oh, hello, Alice. Well, finally. It must have been quite a conference. Oh, I'm sorry. Honey, did you mind waiting? Oh, no. What girl wouldn't like to sit all alone in a car in such a delightful neighborhood? I've been sitting here watching the sun go down behind the brewery. Yeah. Ain't that a beautiful brewery? Would you believe it, 14 years ago there was nothing there but an orange grove? Come on, Ellie, get in the car. Let's get out of here. Yeah, okay. Drive, huh? Ah, you go down Third Street here, Curly, and then you take a left. I know, I know. Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's something here I don't understand. First of all, Phil talks me into taking a ride, then he picks you up. I don't get it. It sounds like a plot. No, no, no, honey, believe me, it's no plot. No, no, no. Curly just called me up and he said, come on, Ellie, I'm going down and buying a new English automobile. What? Yeah, it's that new British car, the Thunder Jet 8. Now, just a second, Alice, now please, now don't get excited, Alice. I didn't say that I was going to buy it. I just said that we'd look at it, that's all. Yeah, and the next thing I know, you're bringing it home. Look, Alice, now don't make any decisions until you see this British Thunder Jet. Oh, I know you're going to fall in love with it. What a car, Alice. It's got seven speeds forward, four carburetors, three exhaust pipes, and it goes 240 miles an hour. And it's got... Well, why has it got three exhaust pipes? Why has it got three exhaust pipes? He said just like a woman. Why has it got three exhaust pipes? Why has it... Well, anybody knows the... Well, the first exhaust pipe is to exhaust the exhaust. Yeah, and the second exhaust pipe? Well, the second exhaust pipe is to exhaust the overflow exhaust from the first exhaust. Couldn't be any simpler. Yeah. But what's that third exhaust pipe for? The third exhaust pipe? Yeah. Didn't you hear me say it goes 240 miles an hour? Yeah. It's for skyriding, Clyde. I can see what I'm up against now. It looks like Heathcliff is going to have a British car or he'll spend the next portnet pouting in his tardy. Oh, honey, you're a doll. You're the sweetest little wife that ever opened up her checkbook. Well, what do you know? Hey, look, we're here already. There. There's the British Thunder Jet Agency right there. Hello, sir. I came in... Well, I'd kind of like to take a peek at that English... that Thunder Jet car. I'd sure like to take a look. Oh, you would, would you? My dear man, go away, have your shoes shined, your baggy pants pressed, get your hair cut, then come back and I may let you peek at it through a sterilized window. Hey, Curly, I think I'll wait in the truck. Wait! Look, mister, you don't know who you're talking to. That's true. And I'd like to keep it that way. Look, mister, I think there's been... Oh, I'd beg your pardon, madam. I didn't see you there or I wouldn't have been talking to your chauffeur. He ain't no chauffeur, mister. He always wears those leather bow ties because they're smog resistant. Oh, look, Ellie, leave it. Look, mister, now you sell British Thunder Jet cars, don't you? We deplore the word sale. Each year, the British Thunder Jet people export five of them to America. Then, by careful research, we endeavor to find five gentlemen worthy of this exclusive motor vehicle. Now, sir, can you qualify as a gentleman? Hey, Curly, you didn't even get to the semifinals, did you? Now, wait a minute, now, look, mister, my heart is set on owning one of these British Thunder Jets, but, well, if I can't... Well, hey, look, mister, would it be asking too much if I could just take one look at it? Well, Lord Cravington will never forgive me, but... Did you say Lord Cravington? Yes, he's the one who selects the future Thunder Jet owners. Come on, Curly, I got a wonderful idea. What? Don't stand there, let's get outside. Come on, would you? Outside, outside. Look, Elliot, what are you rushing me out here for? Curly, that guy ain't gonna help you. The only one that can get you one of these cars is Lord Cravington, and he happens to be staying at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. Well, what about it? Here's my plan, listen to this. Hey, oh, Elliot, that's wonderful. Hey, Alice, Elliot's got a great idea how I can get a British Thunder Jet. Oh, fine. I'll be at the house. Just call me when you need the bail money. Life is just a voluntary, don't take it serious. Life's too mysterious. You work, you slave, you worry so, but you can't take your dough when you go, go, go. Keep repeating, it's the berries. The strongest oak must fall. The sweet things in life to you were just loans. So how can you lose what you never own? Life is just a voluntary, so live and laugh at it all. Repeating, it's the berries. The strongest oak must fall. In life to you were just loans. So how can you lose what you never own? Life is just a voluntary, so live and if I do say it myself, the dinner table looks lovely. Yeah. You know, I still don't know how Elliot got Lord Cravington to agree to come to dinner at our house. Psychology, Alice psychology. Elliot figured the guys in the strange country must be dying for some English food. So Elliot promised him a genuine old English meal, a typical British dinner. Pretty smart, huh? Yeah. Alice, you don't realize how hungry these Englishmen get for some real British food. Why, just last week, Sir Cedric Hardwick got so desperate for some British pot roast, he took a bite out of Charles Lawton. He was an outside cut, too. Well, I'm going in and get the place cards. See you later, honey. Yeah, hon. Now let's see if everything looks cultured enough. Box of cigarettes, English ovals, naturally. And that old print I borrowed of the Tower of London. Then, of course, my own coat of arms, which I dug out for the occasion. Yes, sir, I'll bet Lord Travington has never seen anything like the Harris coat of arms. Just look at that. Two crossed bottles rampant on a field of pickled ham hocks. My family goes back to the House of Lords. Quite often. Who is the un-England and England shall be... Hey, Charlie, I'm not going to take care of everything. Oh. Who are you going to get to furnish that food? Romanoff's British department or what? How are you going to... No, no, no. Why should we lay out loot like that? You see this book? It's a genuine old English cookbook. And look here on page five. Here's what we're going to have. The Royal Hunt Dinner. When Lord Travington throws a stiff upper lip over this feast, he'll blow his crumpet. How do you know if this cookbook here's a real McCoy? Well, look at this recipe. How to stuff a Yorkshire pudding and with what? Let's know what it says. It says, take ye old crock. Put on ye old stove. Add ye old pinch of ye old English herbs. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Where'd you get this book? At ye old Sears and Roebuck. Elliot, what's the matter now? Relax, relax. I borrowed it from the library. Come on now, Curly. Let's put on our apron. Elliot, how are we going to cook an old English dinner? Where are we going to get the ingredients? There's stuff in this cookbook I never heard of before. I took care of that. When are you going to learn to trust me? I had Julius out since six o'clock this morning around enough to stuff. Now according to the book, what we need first to mix the sauce is a three foot deep hand wrought pewter cauldron. Such as Lady Guinevere presented to Sir Lancelot at the Battle of Wiccanum Moors. He ain't got nothing like that. Well, then we'll have to use the three inch deep frying pan that Lady Alice gave to Philip at the Battle of Encino. Very funny. Elliot, it's getting late. Now where's Julius? Are you sure? Well, you just relax. He's driving in the driveway right now. Well, thank goodness. He's driving away as utensils. Well, how are you fixed for flaming swords? Oh, we're long on those. To tell you what we will need, you better get down in the basement and get a bottle of chutney. The three star brand. Okay. Yeah, I'll be back in a minute, Malcolm. Well, there'll always be an England. Hey, Julius, about time you got here. About time? When you went to the turtle tank at the zoo, it'll be worth it. Hey, did you bring the, you know, the main thing, the entree? You mean the boar's head? Yeah. The boar's head. The main course. What do you think they get? That's a big one, isn't it? And it's on a wooden platter. Yeah. Well, I just sat on the kitchen table there. This animal must have been ferocious, huh? Look at those whiskers. The big nostrils. Those red eyes. Hey, I found it. God's what happened to Don Wilbur's head. The boar's head? What's that for? We're going to cook it. That's what they have to eat in England. That's all they got to eat in England? Yeah. No wonder they're all taking bites off Charles Lawton. How can you cook this? It's as hard as a rock. Just pick up Wilbur and drop him in that boiling water. Okay. Wilbur. Yeah, that's what I named the boar's head. Drop it in. What are you waiting for? It's the way he's looking at me. He looks like my commanding officer after he talked back to the witch doctor. Hello? Hello. This is the smog control, chairman. There's a big cloud of smoke over your house. What's going on over there? We're having an Englishman for dinner. Well, stick a fork in him. I think he's done. Well, let's see now. We've been boiling this boar's head for two hours and we've put in everything the book says. It's got a kind of a peculiar odor. Maybe it needs a little more boiling. Stir it up a little bit, Elliott. You stir it, Curly. You're wearing the space helmet. Hey, Elliott, I think this thing is done. The broth tastes real good. Let me try it. Tastes a little bit like a sauteed tennis ball. Hey, that has to be Lord Thomas. I'm going to try it. Tastes a little bit like a sauteed tennis ball. Hey, that has to be Lord Cravington now. Hurry up, Julius. Get under your English footman's outfit. Don't forget your servant at dinner. Julius, Lord Cravington is here. Let you stand between me and that British sports car and I'll get into that outfit while I answer the door. Very amusing story. Here, have another cup of tea. Thank you, no, Miss Faye. I'm afraid to drink any more tea. It might spoil my appetite. And I've been so looking forward to seeing you. By the way, do you have a British chef? No, Lord. You see, I... I cooked the whole meal myself. You cooked it, Mr. Harris? Yep. I think I will have another cup of tea. Wait a minute, Governor. Don't use a new bag. There's a couple of good slashes left in mine. Oh, Mr. Harris, did I understand you to say that you spent some time in England? Oh, to be sure. Quite, quite. Yes, lovely old country England. What part did you visit? Oh, yes. It was someplace up north. Oh, then it must have been around Newcastle on time. No. No, that doesn't sound like it. No? Oh, I know. Then it must have been around Shropshire on the dunes. No, this was way beyond that. No. This was a little railroad stop. This was called Bristles on the Thigh. Bristles on the Thigh? Yeah, it comes right after shaving on the leg. Oh, yes. Oh, jolly good, isn't it, eh? Oh, Bristles on the shaving on the leg. Yes, yes. Devastatingly funny, old chap. Devastatingly funny. American humor, poor thing. Nevertheless, I must remember to tell that to Winnie. Good, come on, everyone. Let's all sit down, huh? Lord Cravington, just wait until you see the special dish we prepared, especially in your honor. Julius, you may serve Lord Cravington first. Take the cover off. There you are, Lord Cravington. I'll bet you didn't expect to see anything like that so far from home. Frankly, I didn't. How, uh, how did it get here? Was it, uh, was it washed up on the beach? Oh, Lord Cravington, see, this is English delicacy. It's boiled boar's head. Oh. Well, how do you eat it? Not formality, Lord. You just take a bite and pass it. That's what them rings in the ears of four. Wait a minute, Lord Cravington, where are you going? Lord Cravington. Lord Cravington, you forgot your umbrella. I'll be back in a minute, Alice. I always thought that Englishmen were polite. He just got up and left. I did, but he didn't. And after all the trouble, you were... Elliot, let me shake your hand. That was the greatest idea you ever had. Lord Cravington is letting me have a British thunder jet in the morning. We made a deal. Really, Phil? Yeah, having this whole English dinner did the trick. That's the deal. I get the car if he doesn't have to eat the dinner. 1946, RCA Victor Knowhow creates America's first post-war table model TV. 1950, and every year since, RCA Victor has put more TV sets into American homes than any other maker. 1954, RCA Victor combines the industry's greatest research and production facilities to bring you the Master 21, America's most wanted 21-inch television at the lowest price in history. Only $199.95. Think of it. RCA Victor 21-inch television for as little as $199.95. Here is television with all the famous RCA Victor TV features. Here is RCA Victor quality at a price everyone can afford. It's at your dealers now. The Master 21 by First in television. This year, 1954, may be the showdown year in the 16-year fight of the National Foundation for Infantile Paralysis Against Polio. Give your share to the Marcia Dimes Fund. For this year's giving may be the giving that wins. Thank you, and good night. Good night, everybody. Concluded in this program, are Jerry Desmond, Jerry Hausner, and Frank Nelson. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC Radio Network production. This music is from RCA Victor's on-the-spot recording of Vladimir Horowitz's 25th anniversary concert at Carnegie Hall. Old and Down's music critic of the New York Times said of this recital, a great artist at the height of his powers. Listen to RCA Victor's exciting new Horowitz anniversary album at your dealers now. Tomorrow enjoy a new show of RCA Victor's on-the-spot recording of Vladimir Horowitz's 25th anniversary concert at Carnegie Hall. Thank you.