 listen it's the message right here black boy tell me how you really feel because i just want to build with you black girl tell me how you really feel i want to keep it real with you i want to live better eat better i want to love better sleep better yeah i want to feel so aligned so um going back to something you said earlier um what is your theory as to why so many wonderful black women are so single um i don't have a theory if i had an actual theory i wouldn't be single i do think that a part of it comes from and i could only seek from me i think that once you get to a certain age and you have a certain amount of degrees or um titles that it becomes you become intimidating to men like you just become intimidating to them because especially if like in my situation like i don't have any kids i've never married never been divorced you know none of that stuff so and i and i have the degrees and i have businesses like and i i do this and that like that can be intimidating because if i met someone who when i meet men who intimidate me it's because they have like this this this this you know like all these things so i think that that is a big part because now like black women are some of the most educated women and we're out here and getting the degrees and getting this and getting that and we're being independent and we have our own like we're not trying to wait for necessarily a man at this point in life i can only say that for like 30s and not because that's where i'm at um but yeah and i think that it doesn't become a big deal that you're single until after you hit 30 as a black female so let's dig deeper okay because i think i think we can i think we can go further than it's because men are intimidated of me i think there's more there well yeah i think that's a big part of it though okay intimidation okay so tell me more um i think the size the intimidation factor um i think it's also it seems like black men want things that black women aren't willing to do like i'm not trying to be i'm not trying to just like cater to your world like i need you to be a part of my world too you know i expect you to have your shit together too like you know it's just like i think that there are expectations that black men feel that black women have that are too high like standard wise and i don't think that i'm not saying that everyone's standards aren't high like i have high standards and so i get it like that disqualifies people in my mind so you know it is what it is but i do think that that plays a part in it that or black men are just like nah she just she thinks she this or she thinks she that or i want me a bad bitch just out here with like i maybe i'm not gonna be out here with my ass out like you know maybe that's not gonna be me like maybe i'm going once you home on the weekend every other time you know like so i think part of the reason we're we're missing each other is um i think your idea of a black man is different than mine well of course because you're a black man exactly yeah but but because of that like um there might be certain things i say about black women you're like who are you talking about and then there might be certain things you say about black men i'm like who are you talking about so let's do this in as much detail as you can man describe your ideal black man all right my ideal black man okay uh i would like someone who is financially stable who is emotionally mature and is able to communicate on a adult level with me um someone who is responsible who is driven and passionate and whatever they doing so whether it's in your nine to five job or if you are a hustler and you're out here as a creative or as an entrepreneur like you gotta be doing something like you gotta be doing something like we're not sitting here just hoping and wishing um i want someone who is able to like truly romance me like take me on the dates and buy me these sweet things and text me in the middle of the day and call me at night um you know let's go on trips i want someone that's going to be adventurous and who is a dreamer like i need someone who can dream too because i'm a creative and i'm a creative mind and i can't be with someone who is just satisfied at just existing like i need you to have some passion in your life um my ideal man also is super family oriented like loves family not a mama's boy um i need you to be with me i need you to know like hey it's it's here you know but i want you to love your family and if you have children take care of your kids be taking care of your kids like if you got a kid you need to be taking care of it if we're together like that's something that i need i would prefer someone not to have a child so that we can start a family together but that's very unlikely right now it's hard to find men that don't have kids that are 30 plus um they're out there but i haven't seen tons of them um yeah i think i also want someone that's like spiritual like you gotta have i'm not saying you need to be fire baptized like in the church every single sunday but you need to have relationship with god and we need to be able to connect on a spiritual level because i'm a spiritual being and i love god and i love talking about the universe and like i just love it like okay so let's assume that man exists okay he's out there somewhere he's out there somewhere now now another thought experiment yeah describing as much detail as you can that hypothetical man's ideal woman yeah so i think it's the same thing she needs to have her shit together like you need to have your own you need to be self-sufficient like taking care of your own stuff like living by yourself um have a job be if if i'm asking you to be um loving then i need to be that way too like i need to be just as much wanting to cater to you so calling you texting you planning the dates and the trips too like i think um someone that i think that guy is also going to be wanting someone who is stylish and who wants to be out on the scene with him when he's out there i think also the female that's able to be emotionally mature to the point you're saying if you wish to do is you wish to do is like not hey what you doing every five minutes you know i need it like i need to be that female so explain to me what the different because you're you're literally saying he wants a female version of himself so what are the differences though are there any differences or do you think that type of man would want just a female version of himself i think that he would want a few i mean honestly i think that i mean i feel like that that sort of man who was that focused and driven and passionate and about his business business is going to want a partner like that's the same way not necessarily the same but has the same qualities in the mindset i think it's about mindset i think you know maybe she doesn't have her own business but she is sure as hell putting in time at her job and doing what she needs to do so let me ask you this do you know men like that yeah i do and what type of women do they idealize is it what you described is it different no okay what is it i mean i don't know if it's i honestly probably haven't asked them enough you should i really should because you're very wrong what you're very wrong what kind of woman they want yes what kind of woman do they want then men don't want a female version of themselves that's competition we want to compliment it see and i think that's the problem like why is that competition that should not someone who is as equally as driven as you that should never be let me give you an analogy if i'm a point guard and we have the next draft pick i'm a point guard for the lakers when we have the next draft pick i'm not looking for point guards i need a center i need a small forward i need a powerful i need a shooting guard right which means that we both play basketball but we have different roles responsibilities different assignments we need to be at different places on the court but if i ask for another point guard and for instance try to make them play um center we're gonna have a problem because when it's time to bring the ball up the court i wanted to bring the ball up the court and that's partly why some relationships fail because you have two point guards two leaders two heads yeah no i don't think that's why i have two relationships i don't think that's why a lot of relationships fail okay why do you think a lot of relationships fail a lot of black relationships fail is that it's not about having two leaders because as a leader you a good leader is also a good follower that sounds good it is good i mean if i'm gonna lead i need to be able to support you too so i'm not saying that my ideal man that we're both like oh i'm gonna pay for this and i'm gonna no it's like okay when it is your time to flex and like you have your lane like i allow you to be as masculine as you want to be and i'd be as feminine as i am but in my femininity i am still a leader in that like i still manage my household i still work my job i still do my shit like there's nothing wrong with that i think that the reason that relationships do not work i mean mine is that there isn't honesty like the communication is off like you've got two people who are on two different pages they come together for attraction i agree yeah like oh you fine i'm fine like let's it's gonna you know that's like it's it's not like it's surface so then when it comes time for you guys to actually get down to the nitty gritty of what makes a relationship work when it comes time to people to be able to give and be flexible like nobody's trying to give like there's no compromise in there there's no okay you take lead and i'm a follow and then you take lead and i'm a follow and this is your strength so be strong in it oh you better at this then be better at this i think it is so much it it just like there's no real communication because you're not real with each other like that's not you're not coming on the pretenses of let's be real let me get to know you is oh you fine let's fuck you know like oh let's be together because we're gonna look good we're gonna be able to to be fly to get like it's a lot of challenge yeah it's not real like when you think of a relationship i think what makes good relationships work is the ability to be fluent and to be strong and the things that you are strong in and to allow that other person to be strong and great and the things that they are great in like i can't be overstepping where you at if you were if you say hey i'm i'm the man i'm i want to take care of the home or do whatever cool let me let you do that but i still want to feel empowered in my own home to make decisions a lot of men are gonna hear that and uh see red flags i'll try to explain that but why do you think that is before i try what red flags on what what you just said like why do you think men would see that and be like that what but what part what would i say that was red flag i should want to i should also be a leader and i should also be able to put my foot down and make decisions and stuff like that why do you think some men would see that as a red flag some black man well if you see a red flag and your woman saying hey i want to have a voice in the decisions that we're making in our house not your woman like a woman like let's say it's a first date somebody just met and she's talking about um kind of like how you describe the ideal guy and then his ideal woman being essentially the same person why do you think most guys wouldn't want that hypothetically ego i mean of course not like it's just i i really feel it's a bit a bunch of ego um you want to be the man you want to you want to be the head the this the that the all that and that's great like as a female like i want you to be that for me personally i want you to be the man like that is your job but it is also our job like for me relationship is partnership and so there's a level of respect that has to come in that partnership so if there's a red flag with me saying like i want to make decisions in this household too like then we have an issue on your idea of what partnership is because i'm not subordinate to you like you don't rule over me we rule together it is a household together and i understand i'm a christian i understand like the man is supposed to rule the household and the woman is supposed to come underneath there whatever i get it but there is but what you're saying mutuality yeah i mean i'm sure i guess it's contrary to say that he is gonna rule over me but i also think if you read the bible it talks about how men are supposed to also entreat their woman as the bride of christ and as a counterpart and like god says it's not good for man to be alone therefore he created woman therefore so they could be together i think that there are certain roles that exist for a man to do like the providers like a man that's that's your role like be the provider so as a provider of course you cover the household you are the covering of the household you are the head of the household as me as a as the nurturer i provide for the inner workings of the household well then let me work the inner work you know like i think i think when um it becomes a problem is like if a man says for instance that we're trying to make a decision and a man says and that's final okay does that does it end there it depends on what it is anything he just says that's final this does it end this well has he allowed me to yeah you've had conversations and and he's he's making an executive decision he said that's final do you say yes sir you got it or what happens in that scenario in a black household what what happens um of what currently happens or what i would want in my give me both um what currently happens is i think it one it depends it it always depends on the context and what what the subject is about because it's never black and white i think when it becomes like i'm the only one and this is my decision that's when you have issues because then you start to negate the other person because just because you say that's final that may not be the best decision and i get like yeah so i think it depends um i think now what you're going to see is a bunch of pushback because black women are so tired of black men being like well i'm what i say is it and you have to submit to me because that's what the bible says but then you don't read the rest of the bible when it talks about how men should treat women and how men should and treat their wives you know and so what i personally would want is it never to be like an executive decision on one person i think that we decide and if it is a point where you make a final decision i say okay it's because i really feel like one either go on i know you're wrong but you're gonna need this so you can understand that i'm right you go come back later because it does happen and more than likely it will but then too even if that doesn't happen and you do make that exact decision it's not from a place of i'm making this as you know like forget what you say like this is our decision and that's it like it it's always gonna be in love it's gonna have to be out of what is best so you don't believe in executive decisions you don't believe there's any time where the man should put his foot down and say that's final i do i mean sure you can make it the executive decision i i do i always think that it's gonna be the best decision no depending on the situation i don't always think it will always be the best no no but that's not the point the point is who does the buck stop with who gets to decide what the best decision is we get to decide that's interesting like for my relationship it's about it's it's gotta be we now if this comes down to let's say let's use an actual example that i can think of so say it's i don't know where we're going to i don't know making a decision about i don't know what i'm trying to think of a decision that i look at let me ask you this the kind and caliber of man that you described because i'm assuming that man is going to be relatively successful he's going to be relatively powerful whether physically from the community standpoint from a intellectual standpoint right because most women want to look up to their man man do you think he is going to be okay with his authority constantly being challenged one it won't be challenged it's not i don't think i think that if it is viewed as me challenging your authority then there's always going to be an issue i think if it is viewed as so why would he choose that type of woman is my question what do you mean the type of woman where he might worry that she's a challenging his authority i don't think he would that's a thing so that that conversation wouldn't happen because he wouldn't choose somebody similar to him no that's not what i'm saying at all i would you get what i'm saying i do and i don't like i think that you when i say that when i describe my ideal man and you asked me what kind of woman he would think is his ideal woman and i say that he would want the female version of himself i see that as two sides of the same coin that like you're gonna want someone that is as equally invested as you and that is able to ebb and flow with you so it's not going to be it's not going to be always she's challenging my authority about what she's saying it's we are we are both weighing in on this and we're going to make a decision like i just i can't put it any other way because i can't i'm not saying that there's never a time that he's gonna say this is what i i mean this is what we're gonna do and i'm gonna say okay that's cool like we're gonna do it like add a love because i think that's also a part of love and being in a successful relationship it's sometimes learning how to be quiet and just go with it so i mean i agree with that i think um part of the reason certain relationships don't work is because as a society we view power in a myopic sense we view it the same way and we view power as a masculine thing and i think the mistake we make is not understanding that power is also feminine and i would i would i would say that feminine power is actually more powerful than masculine power because it relies on persuasion instead of instead of belligerence and combativeness i think we fail a lot of times because when your husband for instance says that this isn't the final i'm putting my foot down the wife usually meets that with how do you know that's the right choice masculine energy as opposed to okay but and then at night she whispered can we talk a little bit more about it be be more sweet and more subtle because what's interesting is and i say it all the time our community wasn't designed to pair we're not raising our children to be husbands and wives and that's why when we ask each other some of these questions we don't have clear answers and we're not curious enough to to figure out the truth because like you've mentioned before a lot of us already have preconceived notions that we're unwilling to divorce ourselves up so i i understand how men think so this man in front of me fuck what you gotta say i already get it right regardless of if my life shows that i get it so to spin it to you what um what are you unsure about with men like when it comes to that scenario what are you curious about which scenario the scenario of putting his foot down and what i say is fine what are you curious about and try your best not to be condescending i'm curious to know if when i say this is not my decision if he's gonna also be as willing to be quiet and go along with it no but he should why you said he was you said that the man and you also brought a biblical text which reinforces the idea and i'm not a huge fan of certain parts of biblical text but it reinforces the idea it's pretty consistent about it that a woman is essentially man's property and what he says goes and that she has no say well you must not read the bible let's talk about it like like you just you you must not read the bible fully because you what you you are speaking of is a scripture of the bible and if you continue reading that same chapter the next verse it talks exactly how a man should entreat his wife treat but not treat it's right okay explain that to me how he should how he should um how he should also deal with respond to cover i really like want to go to the scripture okay i really feel like this is like my angst with the whole church and i've grown up in the church my whole life and the scripture husbands and wives