 Do you know of any any green flags in a potential healthy friendship or relationship? So sort of spiraling from what I was saying earlier, like if you think you want to change someone, I think also, like the feelings inside that make you want to do that. So like if you've got, if you're calm inside, but there's no adrenaline, do you know what I mean? Like the media has sort of twisted all of our perceptions and what healthy love looks like, especially when you first meet and they're like, oh, you should have butterflies in your tummy. You should feel all excited. Your heart should be pounding. And I think actually that's not quite true. I think if you have calmness inside and you feel at home and you feel safe with them, and that's a far better response. Yeah. I think that's a far better response because the butterflies and the heart pumping, that's an adrenaline response. That's your past self saying, hey, there's a there's a warning. And you know, your past self, I forgot what I was saying. It's okay. No, no, I get what you mean. It's, I think there is a very, there is a very heavy like emphasis on like this kind of rollercoaster of emotions and like adventure. Hot and cold. Start, like style of communication. Yes. Or style of having a relationship, which I know it can be something that is exciting and it plays on your mind. And you know, it's up and down and it can be good and then it's bad. And there's all these, these different circumstances that really draw you into that person or that relationship. And I think that's something that both men and women do or non binary individuals do. It is something that I feel draws a lot of us in. And I also think it's one of it's kind of this big kind of lie that our brain enforces that if we don't feel that kind of somewhat strain or difficulty within a relationship, then it's not worth pursuing or it's not, it's not right or it doesn't feel right to like just feel like able to talk to someone and feel open to talk to somebody. You know, it's, it's interesting. I mean, like people, people nowadays they get, they get like turned off by people who are very direct in how they feel about people, like how they feel about you. Oh my gosh, yes. You know, I think you're nice and I just want to let you know I do like you and it would be cool to do something. People don't like that. It's got to be this kind of weird indirect like game that you've got to play of like, Oh, I sort of like you, but maybe not too much. You've got to fight and you've got to convince me. But I think that's another really like a, a green flag is that a relationship might actually feel boring because if you grew up associating love with like violence or shaming drama arguments, if even if they were good intentions and good efforts, you know, you grow up learning how to love on that survival mode and you know, it's not your fault, but it does mean that love that looks and feels calm that is direct and emotionally regulated can be so boring that you confuse this as something bad because it's not matching the love that you were taught to be real. You know, like extreme fighting and shouting, thrown objects, sudden declarations of hate and hating each other. You know, you can feel like passion and care, but because the emotions are so strong, but it's not real. Like extreme highs and lows of insecure relationships can bring excitement or feelings of passion. And you know, it is easy to mistake those feelings for the strength of healthy love. And that's that's a problem because being with someone who you can depend on someone who is straightforward and direct. So when you can trust if your whole being, you know, it will feel a bit boring at times because that unpredictability isn't there. Your adrenaline is not firing all over the place. You know, wondering why you're walking eggshells, whatever. And it's so easy if you're not getting that in a healthy relationship to be like, oh, I just go on online or download an app. Like I'll go find this excitement somewhere else. Or like it's just it's such, so much of an easier thing to do if you're not feeling stimulated enough in a relationship. And yeah, yeah, people will find other ways to seek it out, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, it's funny because I have quite a few like female friends and I, you know, they tell me about like their dating life and relationships and stuff and almost always like if they go with the people who don't kind of provide them this kind of roller coaster of this emotion and stuff, they actually find that over the long term it's a really sort of happy kind of fulfilling relationship. It's not like this crazy roller coaster kind of passionate journey. But, you know, relationships are not about that really. It's about finding someone who meets your needs and is willing to compromise on your needs and you're willing to compromise on their needs. It's like, it's funny because like the idea of love, it's very much like a self-sacrificing kind of defeatist emotion and like, you know, like, you know, love is best expressed when you are giving up being around that person for that other person's own benefit. Like that's, you know, it's got a completely feeling, you know, happy for the person and having the best that the person's best intentions are. And it's not always conducive to what a relationship is, which is, you know, it might sound cold to me to say, but it's like, you know, you are crafting something that's kind of like an agreement or like somewhat set of rules and somewhat things that you help them with and things that you help them with, they help you with rather. And I think part of it is also that like the green flag if things do go wrong, you can, and even if there are some unhealthy little things that you might shout at each other or you might not listen straight away, but I think the green flag is the intention and the recovery afterwards. So like if you reckon, if there's good intentions and you know, even though they're screaming at you, they still love you and they're still going to treat you kindly and they're still going to respect your boundaries. But also that recovery afterwards, you know, they're not going to sort of have such an ego or whatever that they don't apologize. So you know that apology will be sincere and they will mean it and they have all the good intentions there. And also like you sort of said, sort of spiraling off the excitement bit is that the emotional regulation also needs to be challenged to in the sense that the media has this idea of what love is. People think that they need to meet someone and that person is going to fix all of their problems. Like that person is responsible for their happiness and their emotional growth. And that's not true. Like that's not what... Two halves of a whole. Yeah. And it's, you know, we need to look after our own emotional health and learn how to challenge ourselves and learn how to communicate properly so that we can treat them better and they need to do the same so they can treat us better. And it's both of us knowing that so that we can thrive. I forgot what I was saying. No, no, no, that's great. I would also add that, you know, that there are some key like personality kind of traits or ways of communicating that I think is helpful. There's a green flag in a relationship because... There are videos, there's daily blogs, weekly updates on the podcast and lots of other stuff that you won't find here on YouTube. I hope you've enjoyed this clip and I'll let you get back to it. So like, non-reactivity is one that I feel is quite important because... It's one I'm really bad at but I try. In any neurodiverse relationship, there will always be some elements of miscommunication, especially when it comes to confrontational or emotional things. And if your first reaction is to blow everything out of proportion and it's like, you know, if this person is someone to be like, oh, hey, actually, you know, did you mean that in that way or you kind of... Could you explain that in a different way or, you know, there's less of that, the flick in the switch and just going... That's exactly it. Crazy elements. It's taking a step back and saying like, oh, actually, is this something that is just a miscommunication? And quite often it is because, you know, if someone, two people have the best intentions for each other, it's, you know... Yeah, me... Sorry, have you finished? Yeah, yeah, go for it. Me a year ago, not a year ago, like a decade ago, you know, I argued completely differently and I would get very reactive and assume things that weren't right and, you know, I was young and I think we all do that to some extent but I think the main thing is that consciously, like while you're in the midst of arguing you have to consciously be like, this person might not intend the bad thing that I'm assuming. I need to get their actual intentions to be like, when you say this, what do you actually mean and you need to like openly communicate taking a breather so that you're not actually screaming at them and doing all of that emotional reactivity stuff and I do think if you are very... if you understand, you know, your partner's good intentions and you validate them, it... what's it called, defuses the tension and it makes, you know, because once you both feel hired and understood, you know, like that person's talking and you're not there sort of boiling and sort of knowing exactly what you're going to say the moment they stop talking like, they're talking, you listen they stop talking you think of what you're going to say so that, you know, it aligns with your values and what you love about your partner, like and getting to that stage of not responding while they're talking not thinking of your answer, you know and it's also, it's like we need to sort of get out of the habit of fighting to win and fighting to prove a point do you know what I mean and I think, me a decade ago wasn't so good at that and I think a lot of people a lot of people are not many of us will admit it and I think if there is that good intention that people want to grow there is no shame in that because we all have these trauma you know, defence modes from gaslighting, from being growing up and having to panic and explain everything because you're autistic and no one understands anything about you and you know, it's all understandable and there's no shame but I do think we need to adapt to a growth mindset where we are actively trying to step back, breathe understand then approach rather than, ah, sorry and then it's almost like you know, it's definitely that aspect of non-reactivity and being able to talk about things and get over miscommunications is pretty much the make and break in a lot of friendships and relationships that I've had because it is a common thing and some people do it right for a while and then they forget that you're autistic or forget that you're different and you have different communication styles and then it becomes an issue and high stress that that defence mechanism comes back and you end up going back to that self so it's a very conscious very conscious decision every time something happens that you need to push back the defence mechanism not shaming yourself not shaming them I just realised that I interrupted you I'm so sorry No, no, it's fine I think another aspect for me would be you know, like we had that aspect where I was talking about you know just because they think that they understand autism isn't necessarily like a good thing if they haven't understood you personally I think having a natural curiosity in you or autism in general is always going to be good because there is a lot of there is a big communication and empathy barrier between you and that person and if they have the curiosity to explore that with you I think that tends to be quite productive green flaggy kind of thing you know if they they're genuinely interested in what you're about and how you think and feel and perceive 100% open-mindedness I'd say could also be part and part there like are they willing to take on board your experiences with an open mind not be able to kind of try and put themselves in your shoes and are you able to do that with them like I think that could definitely be a green flag as well I don't think there is anything else that I could really say I mean if you just generally feel calm and then we feel quite stable you don't need to be chasing this idea of happiness but you're calm and you're stable and you feel valued and you feel like sort of you feel respected and you feel like safe yeah I'd say that's a pretty good green flag although it can as we said not always be the most exciting passionate kind of adventurey journey kind of thing but who would want that it's exhausting for you at some point you're going to get exhausted by it and people do it's like I suppose it's also like recognising that no relationship is perfect and like comparison to other relationships will not help anyone if you're trying to be like I don't know what they could it's like an Instagram like model or whatever if you're trying to be like their relationship it's just something you're going to cause more problems because again it's that pedestal isn't it and you need to you need to sort of have listen to your partner's boundaries and understand their story and like what you were just saying you need to learn about them and want like you can't have an Instagramer's wedding or whatever because it has nothing to do with you and your partner like you have to tailor it it's always like tailored and it's like you don't see the athletes in training you only see them on the podium you don't see the failures you just see the success that they had and that's a really good point because every failure can help you learn how to grow together if it's a healthy relationship of good intentions because a lot of relationships will be a little bit red flaggy and it does make it complicated but if you can ascertain the intention behind it like we were talking about oh my gosh I totally forgot what I was saying what were you saying what were you saying I think the difficulty for me is like the intention can be like hard to figure out sometimes when you're autistic I guess we can say what their intentions are but you know as you said like as much as you can you have to look at long run you have to look at situations or relationships and kind of like a zoomed out approach like as these perhaps red flaggy toxic behaviours just kind of a drop in the ocean or do they seem to be like like existent at many sort of different parts during the relationship or how often is your adrenaline firing up how often are you feeling like sick or jittery or in pain or poorly like it's all part and parcel of it sometimes even when your emotions don't know or your mind might not know that your body might and listening to your body is a very good way to ascertain those red flags because if something is not feeling right and you feel disrespected your body will tell you that's true that's true or a case if you're a lexifier make it might tell you a few days or a week or so later it's about to say that make it that connection and then you can have the fun conversation where you send a long, long, long, long message after saying that it's okay that it's actually not okay which is always fun if you relate to that oh my god