 Now before I get into the nitty-gritty of the 10 things You can tell to see if a guy is avoidant or secure I just want to share something personal because this keeps coming up on my channel. I just think it's kind of funny Folks, I do not color my hair. I do have some gray hair here. See right here. There is some gray But I don't color my hair. I just got blessed. I thank my mommy and daddy for that Or genetics or whatnot so for those of you that keep continually bringing it up on my channel I do not color my hair. All right, let's talk about avoidant and secure and anxious attachment style now. It's interesting Folks some of you this may be new information. So I I will invite you to Google a book I'm going to share with you in a moment To get a better understanding of what this is all about because I'll be quite frank with you When I think back before I began studying Relationships before I began studying how to be in a healthy happy relationship before I began studying dating a relationship And mating and such like that. I was rather clueless to the understanding of why we choose people the way we do. I Just thought that it was if you had great chemistry with someone that Magically your relationship will just work out fine. Let me repeat that I thought if I had chemistry with someone Magically it worked out fine now. I didn't think of it as magically I just thought that's the way it was supposed to be that when two people had great chemistry for one another and there was You know, that's all you needed to make a relationship work now I was in my 20s when I thought that so sure enough like many people like myself I met somebody had chemistry with them. We grew up in the same Relatively close to the same city. We had mutual friends So it just was naturally going to work out and I didn't understand the mechanics to a healthy happy Relationship what it takes to make a happy happy relationship. I was rather clueless when I got married in my late 20s I was really clueless what it meant to be a good husband and What it meant to actually lean into a relationship and I say clueless. I not I Really was clueless You know, I really didn't understand what it took to be a good husband other than the programming I had to be a provider protector. That was the programming that was the biological programming And I know how you all hear that men are provider protectors What's missing in that provider protector piece is an understanding of real? connection at an emotional level So while many of you, you know Gravitate to that narrative that men are supposed to do this that we're biologically supposed to do this Yes, what we might do it and by the way as we age What I mean by age a Significant percentage of men after divorce the last thing they want to do is be a provider protector for someone so be careful of of following that narrative What especially for those of you are in midlife as a pathway to Relationship success and be careful of the other narrative that men are hunters And they're supposed to chase you and claim you and you just sit back in your feminine energy and you don't have to do anything That's another narrative that doesn't work. I mean, yes It might temporarily work to for a guy to trigger to chase you But what are men chasing most of the time if in the beginning stage is a relationship and they're chasing sex So be careful of those narratives the more important narratives to understand is something known as love Attachment style love attachment style. I didn't know this until I began studying this and if you're not familiar with it I highly recommend reading the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller This is an amazing book there. There's so many other books you can read hold me tight God there's so many Google this book and then you can go to Amazon by the way There's a link below to get all the books. I recommend so there's a and Then go surf Amazon for the variety of books related to this because when you understand this now some of you saw the title around Avoid it and secure men We're gonna lean into what really makes a man secure. How does a man show up secure in relationship? Now many of you might be what's known. Okay, so let me go back to anxious the three primary love attachment styles And there's variations within each primary. There's anxious There's avoidant and then there's secure anxious avoid and secure now anxious tend to be the needy people they They desire closeness and I believe that this happens When I say believe the way I interpret it from the books and such that I've read Is that this really centers to when you're anxious is a little child there was a There was Got a lack of love going on and there was a a crying need to get loved by your parents Okay, and because there was space there was this need to get closeness and then it created an anxious Emotion with inside of a child and this is all childhood stuff The avoidant when they were a separation from the word I was looking for was separation by the way when there was separation from their Parents of love they learned to kind of go inward Go inward and not trust love This is just my interpretation of it and the secure child when there was separation from the parent Just learn to self suit and take care of themselves. They actually learn how to love themselves now while I believe In the book it says that a significant percentage of the population is secure. I don't believe that I think we're either anxious or avoidant as a default and through Experience can a relationship through experiences can someone become secure in relationship And I'm going to share with you what it looks like to be in a secure relationship So Understanding these love attachment styles anxious avoidant secure now many women tend to be more anxious And what's interesting is I can relate to an anxious attachment style Now where my anxious attach and what means is I it's kind of the jerry maguire thing I you know, there's a hole inside of me How there's my t-shirt life moves pretty fast if you know the ferris bueller line But there's a hole inside of me and someone else needs to fill it kind of thing And I and I'm I'm almost in a desperate place of needing that or at least that's been my default for a long time And I believe where this stems from is my mother when I was growing up My mother would give love to all of us and then whenever she got mad at my dad my brother My sister myself she would withdraw from the family. She would go stone wall. She would go stone cold And I want you imagine as a child here your parent You know is supposed to be the one that loves you And then they go stone cold on you and then I took it personally as if something was wrong with me And what happens is happened for me Significantly as I tended to choose women like my mother that would go stone cold on me Now if you're not familiar with the work of Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt I highly recommend checking this book out called getting the love you want getting the love you want Why you want to read this book as well? Is you're going to want to learn about something known as the amago? I am a g o amago Why I'm bringing this up is if you have a pattern of choosing the certain type of men or people in your life They might actually represent one or both of your parents and what I mean to say is when I said earlier. I was choosing my mother Because that's what was familiar to me to be with women who would emotionally withdraw from me At stone wall from me or be emotionally unavailable So there's two things going on. There's our attachment style the style that we attach to another person And then there's the amago which is usually a reflection of choosing people like our parents So if you notice that if you have a pattern of choosing a certain type of man or a certain type of person in your life over and over again You might examine where this came from within your childhood So I tended to choose avoidance avoidance to me are people that are Desperately they they desperately want love. They really desperate when I say desperately on a on an unconscious level They desperately want love The hard part is they don't trust love. They really don't trust love Now I have a belief that it's harder to make An avoidance secure than it is the other way around I and that's just my speculation on it So don't quote me on that. That's just I and yet Here's the thing if a person is too far gone avoidant It's going to be difficult to have them lean into a secure relationship You as a person if you're an anxious attachment style person with an avoidant It's going to be really hard to shift that person I think it's probably easier to shift an anxious person more to secure than the other way around But if they are at the extreme ends of the two Most likely it's going to be difficult. You're going to have to find those people that are closer in the middle Now, what do those people look like that are in the middle? I believe these are people that have invested in some level of introspective work Or personal development self-help or spiritual work if you're not familiar with my book What the heck is self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work again There's a link below. This is a journey to and by the way why I'm sharing my book Which I share it for in every video is that in the back of the book There's an outline of what took me To get a better understanding of myself and relationships a lot of introspective work And at the same time it's a I believe a great guide Like I said, there's four others To begin to maybe move closer to that middle section Of being able to lean into a potentially secure relationship So what does a secure relationship look like? What would a secure attachment style guy look like? Well, we're gonna if we're going to explore that and by the way, here's my notes Now I want to share with you this actual uh, the idea for this video actually came while I was watching a tiktok video of someone else So I want to be candid with you what I'm sharing and I don't I I swiped through it and I didn't save his His such his channel so I could share it with you but he shared He shared 11 things. I actually felt like 10 were the most important of these 11 or of his content But to how to know you're with a secure guy Okay Number one He's reliable and he's consistent. He's reliable and consistent Do you remember in my fair lady words words words if you love me show me? I believe that being reliable and consistent is a factor Of being in a person being with someone who can lean into a secure attachment style someone who is reliable and consistent number two He makes decisions with you You know when I think of my marriage I didn't make decisions with my wife But then I was in a different place in my life, but if you're in a relationship with someone maybe you're talking about Maybe you're talking about moving in together. Maybe you're talking about going to a show Maybe you're there's something going on in his life that could Affect your life. Maybe it has to do with an ex-spouse. Maybe it has to do with their children This is a person that's transparent in other words if it's material to the relationship They're going to bring it to your attention And discuss it with you because they want to make it it's They recognize the value You place in their life and they make decisions with you. I think that's a really important piece They value the importance that you have to their life You know sadly these days most people are dating They call it a relationship, but they're really just they're just spending time with each other It's just you know, I call these men the spenders They want companionship connection and sex without any real level of deeper commitment To something beyond just spending time. These are the the men that want deeper commitment Are what I call the growers and the builders and and many of you are experiencing what I call the spenders They want companionship connection and sex without any real commitment and worse Some of you are experiencing what I call the users. These are the men the love bombers that come on strong It's only for their own needs So how do you differentiate it? These are the men that actually make decisions with you They they bring you into that their life Because they recognize you're a material part to their life Okay Number three He doesn't play games. He's not dysfunctional. Oh my god this game playing that I'm seeing so much dating advice out there is Is designed to is is really designed to play games and trigger Trigger our unhealthy emotions. You know, I'm I'm witnessing video after video out in the in the youtube universe All you know the book the rules was designed to trigger our unhealthy stuff Which yes temporarily works it temporarily works, but it's not going to work For the long run So what's the point of playing games if it's not gonna now part of where a lot of you ladies get confused on the games Remember I spoke earlier about being clueless Here's the thing. I think most men are good human beings. I don't think they intentionally play games It's just we have become such a self centric society here in the united states I'm gonna repeat that we become such a self centric society a lot of times It it's known as narcissism, but it's just a myopic sense of self Without any real regard for the other person ladies. You do this and men do this too It's all about individual pleasure. Oops Individual pleasure in other words individual needs And not necessarily the collective needs So a man Differentiating the avoidant and the secure the man who's leaning into being a secure doesn't play games. Okay number four He communicates relationship issues well And he communicates really this is a person who's evolved because they most likely either You know, I'm gonna say one of the things you may want to consider as um You may want to consider choosing men who read books who read books who Regularly read books and not just you know, the tom clancy novels per se But a variety of books people that are tend to read And study people who read or study things tend to be a little bit better equipped At communicate being communicating They're them they're communicating their thoughts and needs in a way that's seen heard and understood So a man who's more secure Communicates relationship issues Well, now what I mean is perfectly well No, because ladies you're not necessarily so great at this either just because you can vomit your feelings Doesn't mean it comes across well. Okay, but for the most part they're they're better than the average Okay, they're better than the norm number five They can reach a compromise during arguments Conflict resolution skills is one of the most important aspects of a relationship if you're not familiar with the book Uh eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman. There is a whole chapter chapter two is centered around It's called agree to disagree agree to disagree addressing conflicts Being able to compromise in other words instead of operating from a place of i'm right and you're wrong A secure person recognizes i'd rather be happy than to be right By the way, everything i'm sharing here you have to do the same thing too If you want to be a secure you have to operate from this place as well so Um can reach a compromise during arguments number six They're not afraid of commitment or dependency. I'm not sure I like the word dependency, but they're not afraid of commitment or attachment to another person They actually want to lean into it. So when you come across those guys, let me take it slow I just need to be casual. I'm not looking for anything serious. That's because they're avoiding The real understanding of what it takes to build the roots of trust to a healthy happy relationship Now is this resonating with you folks? Is this Does this have you experienced any of this post a comment below if you have If you're liking the content so far hit that thumbs up. Please share this video with your friends. Please subscribe to my channel Number seven they don't view relationships as hard work. Listen I know some people who are addicted to the drama within a relationship a secure attachment person Isn't addicted to the drama. They actually Recognize that when you find a person that Shares your values whose lifestyles are blendable where you have that chemistry and they're emotionally mature A relationship is going to be work. The work is individual work But the relationship itself isn't meant to be a struggle or a chore the minutes a struggle or chore They're like, hey, I'm done with this because I don't want to choose a partner. That's addicted to the drama number eight Closeness creates further closeness in other words. I'm a secure man wants to get closer and closer and closer to you on an emotional level I didn't bring up the book called emotional intimacy by robert masters, but I highly recommend it's in the link below I highly recommend checking that out Because a man who's secure he moves towards closeness Number nine, he introduces you to his family and friends. He wants to invite you into his life That's a that's saying you're important to me. I want to introduce you to my life and natch And lastly, he naturally expresses feelings for you. It's not like you're pulling his teeth To get him to express his feelings. He genuinely wants to express how he feels about this relationship And these are just 10 signs to to to To really observe Is my relationship with this person reaching a level those deep roots of trust That's going to take us from just being mediocre to that juicy delicious relationship. I often talk about in many of my videos So is he a voidant? Is he a secure? I think I've given you 10 ways to determine Here's what you can do if he's not You can choose to either be silent in your relationship or you can lean into deeper intimacy by having deeper conversations with your partner Instead of the how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. That's from seinfeld That's kramer from seinfeld. I invite you to do that Because what's the point of getting into a relationship if you can't experience the real Juicy delicious parts, which is that emotional connection with the partner. So god universe spirit I invite a partner in where we have that mutual chemistry with one another And we have that level of communication where we express our feelings with one another in a healthy happy way And we have lifestyles that are blendable with one another And we share the same values that allows us our relationship to flourish and grow and lastly we build the deep roots of Trust through social activities hobbies mutual interests spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills Both in our professional and personal life and an intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy because what's the point of being in a relationship If you can't have that physical connection with the partner god universe spirit I invite that in and I invite that in for you as well Is he avoidance secure? I think I've given you some food for thought and if I have let me know If this is resonating with you by saying it in the comments below and sharing this with your friends And subscribing to my channel if you haven't already done so All right. I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a teddy bear pillow Here's a teddy bear and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love Let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye You