 Lux presents Hollywood Lever Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Flakes, bring you the Lux Radio Theatre starring Clifton Webb in Cheaper by the Dozen Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. William Keele From Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen A few moments ago, I finished my day's work out at Warner Brothers Studio where I'm making a picture involving three babies, aged one month, three months, and six months all of which I mentioned because I now have a slight idea of what the husband and wife in tonight's play must have thought when they decided to have twelve children I imagine almost anyone who grew up in a family of twelve children would have enough material to write a book and that's just what Frank Gilbert Jr. and Ernestine Gilbert Carey did producing a best-selling novel and our play for tonight, Cheaper by the Dozen Of course, it takes quite a talented actor to play the role of father to twelve children so naturally, twentieth-century fox cast Clifton Webb in the park and we too are delighted to star the very sophisticated Mr. Webb in this charming family story tonight As you will discover in our play, it takes efficiency and careful management to rear a dozen children and of course we recommend Lux Flakes and now you'll discover Lux Flakes are even more wonderful when you try the new Lux with color freshener Now the curtain rises on Cheaper by the Dozen starting Clifton Webb as Frank Gilbert This is the story of my family but first and foremost, the story of my father and my mother Dad, Frank Bunker Gilbert, was an industrial engineer an efficiency expert, a man who showed industry how to save time In Dad's mind, efficiency, like charity, began at home For example, when he'd come home at night as often as not, he'd announce himself by the blast of a whistle which he carried in his pocket bringing us on the gallop from all corners of the house and neighborhood Hello, live bait Get on places, get in line, get in line 18 seconds for the stopwatch Not bad, not bad, but I still say we should make it in less All right, fall out, fall out, you'll find some chocolate bars there in my briefcase I might mention that there were 11 of us then 11 children That was the summer that we moved from Rhode Island to Montclair, New Jersey We made the trip by automobile A tremendous touring car known to all of us is Fooley Come on, come on, climb aboard Fooley's carriage is getting restless Hey, mister, are all those kids yours or is that a picnic? They're all mine, believe me, it's no picnic Who's holding us up? Come on there, Bill, make it snappy Mercy more Oh, sorry, Lily Scared you didn't a son, I'll bet you jumped six and nine tenths inches Jesus It's all right, dear, I was scared too Teach you to keep your eyes open, young man Well, everybody in, Anne, Ernestine, Martha, Mary, Frank All present and accounted for, dad Very well, if you're all reasonably sanitary, let's go Goodbye, Rhode Island, New Jersey, here we come Being an object of considerable curiosity for strangers But dad always had an answer for those bold enough to assail his dignity Hey, Noah, what are you doing with that arc? Collecting animals like the good Lord told me, brother All I need now is a jackass, hop in All right, come on, kids, let's have a song I'll start it When you were... No automobile, not even foolish carriage Could be expected to bear the demands we placed upon it without complaint We were well out in the country when the radiators started steaming like a volcano Excuse me, Lily, I'll have to get out Frank, it's not going to blow up again, isn't it? No, no, of course not, it won't take a minute to fix it Now, incidentally, now is a good time if any of you kids want to go see Mrs. Murphy Well, how about it? All right, all right, but remember, this is your last chance I can't understand why a good car like this should keep acting up Not one thing, it's another Last week was a carburetor, a week before that was a fuel Who did that? Who blew that horn? That was a... Young man, there's a time and place for jokes and a time and place for spankings Missy, Maude, Frank, I'll bet you jumped 6 and 9 tenths inches Oh You're right, son, that was a good joke on me By jingle, I'll bet I did jump 6 and 9 tenths inches Would have done better than that if I hadn't hit my head in the hood Oh, these kids, Lily, these kids At long last, our faithful, foolish carriage entered the town of Montlaire It was a wonderful new house, and from the very first moment we loved living in it But we soon found out that while it was often too small for 11 children It was more often too large for two servants Mother and Dad met the problem in the typical Gilbrith manner The family council will please come to order Thank you Now it's obvious that this house is too big for Mrs. Monaghan and Jim Bracken to take care of without help Therefore, your mother and I have called this meeting to discuss house and yard work Oh, yard work Assignments will be made on the basis of personal choice and aptitude Now, does the chair hear any suggestions? Come on, come on, this is a democracy, you know Everybody has an equal voice Your children are certainly very quiet, all of a sudden In a democracy, everybody speaks So by jingle, start speaking Neil, I recognize you I don't want to be recognized Besides, I think Mrs. Monaghan and Jim Bracken ought to do the work They get paid for it Sit down, you're no longer recognized What a democracy! Mr. Chairman Yes, Frank, speak up, son I think you're right Mrs. Monaghan have too much work to do Thank you I move we hire more people to work for Second the motion You're all out of order Sit down, sit down, and be quiet I, the chair recognizes the assistant chairman Well, of course we could hire additional help Yes, yes, if we did away with all desserts and weekly allowances We might be able to afford a maid And if we cut out movies, ice cream and new clothes We might be able to afford a helper for Jim, too Do I hear a motion to that effect? Well, Bill, Frank, Ann Oh, well, I move we allot the work Splendid Do I hear a second? Second the motion All those in favor, signify by... Bye! Motion carried Now, that brings up a little matter of specific assignments For instance, the back fence is badly in need of whitewashing Now, do I hear any bids? Well, speak up if you want to earn a little extra spending money Yes, Bill? I'll bid ten dollars You must think this is a government project Do I hear any reasonable bids? Uh-uh, I bid forty-seven cents Forty-seven cents Please let me do it, Daddy Tell me, Lillian, how did you happen to hit upon forty-seven cents? I've been saving for a new pair of roller skates And that's how much more I need But you're going to get skates for your birthday Oh, I'm sorry, Lillian, I wasn't supposed to let that out of the bag Oh, Daddy, that's wonderful! Thank you! Besides, that's too big a job for a little girl like you Frank, here's your chance, what do you bid? Within reason Two fifty, I guess Good, you got yourself a contract Now, is there any more business? I think this family ought to buy a dog Out of order, out of order, meeting adjourned But he always said it was... Dog! And in a democracy! Sorry, motion shelved to the next meeting Before we knew it, the new school term began Early that Monday morning, Dad blew his whistle And piled the older seven of us into foolish carriage Ten minutes later, we stood up They're all eager to get registered, so in you go Come on, quickly, now, hurry up, let's go But, Dad, not all of us Certainly all of you You want us to make an impression, don't you? But this isn't our school Ernestine and I are going to high school We'll take care of that later I'm going to show these people first What a real family looks like But, Daddy, it... well, it's so embarrassing A person with inner dignity is never embarrassed Besides, visits like this get results Only we should have time to go home for your mother and the babies I will, too, unless you get a move on Honestly, Dad, you have more gall Somebody in this family has to show a little spunk Now, hold your heads up and look alive No dying cowl looks Come on, open the border Door, boys, and take your hats off So, I'm the school principal Ah, good morning, madam Just a Gilbert invasion Or perhaps I should say a partial invasion Since I left most of them at home with their mother I hope we're not intruding Oh, oh, not at all I'm delighted to see you, Mr. Gilbert We've heard so much about you and Mrs. Gilbert I understand you have... Eleven children, madam Eleven children? Goodness, how do you feed them all? Oh, they come cheaper than a dozen, you know Unfortunately, only five will be under your excellent supervision Mary, Martha, Lily, and Bill and Frank, Junior How do you do, children? I just brought along my older girls and that Ernestine So you would get a better idea of the crop we're raising Well, it's been so nice of you to drop by, Mr. Gilbert Oh, I'm not just dropping by No, no, I want to meet their teachers Well, I'm afraid all our teachers are busy at the moment Opening day Oh, I'm in no hurry, no hurry at all I've arranged my schedule so it's to give you my entire morning You, you'll have Eh, meanwhile, as to their grades I see no reason why my children should be held back by a school system geared to those of simply normal mentality Well, no, of course not But so much depends upon their ages and their... You mean mental ages, of course Bill, how old are you, son? Eight What grade does an eight-year-old usually belong in? The third grade Then I think you'd better find room for Bill in the fifth Oh, that's impossible, Mr. Gilbert Perhaps later on, if he takes ten... I hope they'll all take a lot of tests, it's good for them Meanwhile, to illustrate my point Frank, what's 46 times 83? 3,818 Lillian, 19 times 91 Um, 1,729 Bill, 52 times 52 2,704 Good, gracious Now, would you care to suggest any large numbers, madam? I'll take your word for it, Mr. Gilbert I'll see what I can do As usual, dad won his point And opening day or not, the principal sent for the teachers While we were waiting, dad lost no opportunity to impress her with our brilliance And now you may be interested to hear something of the home training program their mother and I have worked out for the children Oh, yes indeed, I understand Mrs. Gilbert is quite a celebrated psychologist and consultant herself She is indeed, madam, to say nothing of her obvious prowess as a wife and mother Now then, our home study program includes spelling games, geography quizzes and languages We're learning French and German from the phonograph And dad's even taught us how to take a scientific bath in the time it takes to play just one record Really? A simple matter of coordination, madam, like any other physical effort But how do you do it? Well, this seems hardly the time and place to rest Oh, this sounds perfectly fascinating Yeah, go on, dad, sure Well, it's really very simple, madam Now if I may be seated on the floor by way of illustration Oh, yes, yes Well, first you take this open your right hand, thusly and apply it to the left shoulder, running it down the top of the left arm up the inside of the left arm to the armpit Then both ears, like this, both of them, madam Not forgetting the back of the neck, then down the outside of the left leg back up the inside of the left leg, then down the right leg and up You are now observed that have you reached my hip without lost motion I quickly transfer the soap to the left hand, repeating the process on the right arm and right shoulder This is followed by a couple of circular motions in the midsection and the back with some special attention to the feet Then you slide under for rinse and rise from the bathtub base Well, that's wonderful Yes, isn't it? But you appear to have callers, madam What? Oh, oh, come in, ladies Our teachers, Mr. Gilbert Mr. Gilbert was just showing me how to take a bath Good morning, ladies, good morning, come on in, the water's fine In our family, sickness was taboo Dr. Burton's car in front of our house could mean only one thing In a room, taking a nap, of course Lily, what's gotten into these children? I can't imagine, dear, now whatever gave you the idea there was a new baby Dr. Burton's car's out front And you were sick last night, weren't you? What a slight headache, yes And every time you're sick, there's always a baby, isn't there? Mercy, Maude, babies don't come just because you're sick They've always come before when you were sick Dr. Burton's upstairs because he's afraid Jackie and Mary have the whooping cough Which means you children will have to stay away from them As for babies, I think it's about time you had a little... Oh, Bill, no, don't tell me you're getting it Stop that at once, William I'm not going to have an epidemic in this house We haven't time for any such nonsense You children have been given good health and by jingle it's your job to keep it Yes, maude, I think I should get him up to the doctor Come along, dear, dear, come along Well, Lillian, we'll show them there's at least two in the house Who won't get the whooping cough, won't we? You get it, you and me, huh? Oh, no, oh, these kids, these kids We all caught it, of course And the upstairs took on the antiseptic aspects of a hospital ward With mother fluttering from bed to bed, full of love and reassurance Keep covered, Maude, for Anne, put this jacket around your shoulders, dear Oh, thank you, mother I'll go downstairs now and get your desserts Then I'll read to you, if you like May I come in? Oh, of course, dear I won't disturb anything, I... It's all right, the children have missed you, sir I'll be all right, Lily I'll be all right, Lily In Haven's name, what is it now? Please, coughing, too, Mr. Gilbert Oh, me huggered, I ever get mixed up with this family All right, let me hear you cough Oh, there's nothing the matter with me I was only joking You were what? Well, it just wasn't any fun downstairs by myself, Lily I wanted to be up here with the rest of the family Very, very amusing Oh, I give up I'm sorry, Lily, but all that quiet down there makes me nervous Really? Well, tell me, doc, how are my Mongolians coming along? They'll live In spite of you, you old veterinarian Gilbert, I'll say one thing for you Your children don't get sick very often But when they do, they certainly mess up the public health statistics of the state of New Jersey How's that, Mr. Bone? Ordinarily, I have a couple of cases of hooping cough or measles a week When I have to report 11 cases in a single day, they're liable to quarantine the whole town of Montclair and close every school in Essex County Well, at least these are only light cases Pioneer stuff, you know Is that so? By the way, those kids have poncles, really ugly ones As soon as they're over this cough, they ought to come out Nonsense, I've never had mine out Well, maybe you should have Let's have a look at that No, you don't, no, you don't My poncles are sound as a dollar Sit down and open that mouth What's the point of all of this? If you've got to talk, say, ah Ah I might have known You're crazy I've never been sick a day in my life Well, then keep them if you want to But the children's poncles have got to come out All but one Martha's Hmm What does that mean? Well, I'm thinking about their poncles Could we do it here in the house? What's wrong with the hospital? Nothing, nothing, but, ah If we could rig up an operating room I could take motion pictures and study what you doctors are doing wrong Now just a minute Then I'd be able to show how you could eliminate a lot of waste motion and speed things up Your methods may work out fine in factories, Gilbert But as far as a hustle Lily? We're going to have the children's poncles out and made up of mine Oh, Frank, do we have to? That's what this fellow here says It's all right, Lily I'm going to take movies Of the operations? Certainly No telling how many lives this sort of story will help save Ha Sorry, if it makes you feel any better I'll let this old butcher yank mine out too Well, now we're getting somewhere Oh, Frank, don't you think we ought to stop him Let him go ahead and cut his own throat That's one part of the festivities I might even enjoy Will you stop drooling? By jingle, this may make you famous, you quack In just a moment, we will return with Act Two of Cheaper by the Dozen Here's Mr. Keely, our producer Act Two of Cheaper by the Dozen Starting clipped and webbed as Frank Gilbert For weeks afterward, Father's favorite topic was the impending series of tonsillectomy And the great gift he was about to make to medical science By means of the motion pictures But as much as we loved movies This was one epic we'd have been delighted to pass up There wasn't a chance All too soon the memorable morning arrived Dr. Burton had settled on the dining room for the scene of the operation And there, Dad installed his motion picture equipment Including a cameraman named Mr. Higgins Mr. Higgins, however, failed dismally to share Dad's enthusiasm for the procedure Well, I don't know, Mr. Gilbert I hadn't figured on all this here ether It's my stomach, I don't feel so good Higgins, I'm not interested in your internal organs Just get that camera ready Yes My brother Bill was the first to go The rest of us waited in the living room in a quiet huddle Only one of us, Martha, would be spared Of all the Gilbert tonsils, hers alone would remain undisturbed Gee, I heard you poor kids couldn't have any breakfast this morning How sad How very sad I'll cut it out, will ya, Martha? Everybody knows you can't eat before you get operated on I had donuts for breakfast Mmm, delicious Oh, and a big piece of apple pie left over from last night Oh, you beast, get out of here Mother, make Martha stop gloating about her breakfast And not another word about food, Martha Do you understand? I'm sorry, Mother I won't even mention donuts and apple pie again Well, Lily, number one's finished We just brought Bill upstairs Oh, that poor boy, I'd better go right up to him Slap through it just like a baby I can't wait to see those movies Come on, Ernestine girl, you're next Don't be afraid, dear It'll all be over in just a few minutes Oh, I'm not afraid, much A Gilbert afraid? Don't be ridiculous I just remember I'll be right there with you, dear Well, goodbye, all Hey, girly, let's hop right up here on the table Is it going to hurt me, Dr. Burton? Well, you won't even feel it My exact words, doctor All right, nurse, better help her there Hey, Mr. Gilbert Higgins, how about changing the lens for this one? I want to see exactly how his caddy hands him his knives Englander, heart in here, Mr. Gilbert Maybe if we open the window You want my child to get pneumonia? Yes, but this ether Never mind the ether, just take care of that camera Good heavens What is it? What have you done now? What have I done? I told you I didn't want Martha You haven't got Martha, that's Ernestine You sure? Of course I'm sure, you jackass Now look carefully Don't you suppose I know my own children? I tell you, that's Ernestine Well, if she isn't Martha, we've made a horrible mistake We? What do you mean we? What kind of a mistake? Well, all I know them by is their throats I thought these chances were Martha's They're the only ones that didn't have to come out You knocked my little girl unconscious for no reason at all Well, what do we do now? Oh, take them out anyhow They'll have to come out eventually Now go in there and get Martha ready She's been eating all morning But never mind, I'm not going through another day like this Start grinding, Mr. Higgins, at least we'll salvage something Poor Martha It was a blow, but in she went Full of pie, donuts, and indignation If it is Dr. Burton's fault Now, Lily Letting her eat that huge breakfast Only to be snatched up like that and butchered Lily, I told you, it's no worse than a mosquito bite Higgins, he's grinding in there That mosquito bite indeed Very well Just to prove it to you, I'll go next I thought you wanted to supervise your movie Oh, I intend to I shall take only a local anesthetic That way, I won't miss a trick And Dr. Burton's agreed That's a lot of nonsense about my physical condition Burton, I'll be in the amen corner when they're laying him away Besides, I want to get this over with before lunch I'm starved All right, you're with who's next? I am Okay, then make it snappy The man can just stand so much Well, I hope you're not making a mistake, dear All right, shorten up your tools there, Mr. Tharbones Here I come Yes, indeed To dad, a tonsillectomy was nothing And he didn't miss a trick Ten minutes later, he staggered out of the dining room One hand groping before him The other at his throat Oh, Lily Lily Where are you? Oh, I've told myself this before Yes, dear, I know That's fine, that's fine, Lily I can't talk, I can't talk You just had to have it the hard way, didn't you? Lily, I'm dying, I'm dying, dear Oh, that's really tough Now sit down, sit down, old timer I'll give you something to make you sleep How am I going to sleep when my throat's cut? Mr. Gilbert, Mr. Gilbert Go away, Higgins, go away Oh, I hate to tell you this But it looks like none of the picture will be any good No Good? I forgot to put the film in the camera Yes, you what? No, Frank, Frank, don't get excited Let me out, let me out No, let me out, it's too much for me Let me out, let me out, oh, what? From that day on, Tonsles was a subject we just didn't talk about in front of Father One afternoon he came home early We children were in the living room, undergoing our weekly music list What brought it to you? Well, dear I had a letter today, Lily, from Dr. Blenheim You remember him, Czechoslovakia? Frank, they want you to come Well, it's not definite, but Blenheim thinks they'll ask me to speak at the International Management Conference in Prague I knew they would, I knew they would The best scientific minds in the world, Lily And what an opportunity, darling, to have your methods recognized, Univis Yes, it's what I've always hoped for But if it hadn't been for you, Lily, your help Will you tell the children tonight? You can tell them if you want to I won't be here, dear Won't be here? Have you forgotten? I have a date at the hospital So soon? I'm afraid so Well, I thought you were only joking about going to the hospital After all, you never went to one before just to have a baby Well, maybe I never thought about it before Well, it's going to be awfully lonely around here without you, Lily By the way, do you mind what it is? Well, I thought we'd already agreed it would be a boy After all, we have six girls But of course, anything you decide will be all right with me, Lily Thank you, dear Thank you, Lily That night, our baby brother was born And for the twelfth time, Dad's verdict was exactly the same Well, Lily, I'll say this much for him Hmm, he's every inch of Gilbreth I'm glad you approve Yes, I expect we'd better keep him, too Look at you What? You were the one who was so afraid he'd be the last of the Gilbreth Well, I admit you had me worried there for a while, Lily Four girls in a row, that can be pretty nerve-wracking Of course, you know I did it deliberately Well, children, Lily, and even dozens And hardly an idiot in the bunch You set the actual target, dear Six boys and six girls I believe you even made a memorandum of them Hmm, sounds kinda silly now, doesn't it? Not half as silly as it did then Honestly, did you really think we'd be able to go through with it? Why, certainly I always knew that anything you and I teamed up on would be a success Seems kind of funny, won't it? For the first time in seventeen years, we'll be able to go to bed Without setting the alarm clock for a two o'clock feeding It's certainly gonna be a luxury, isn't it? A wonderful luxury, but I'll hate it Now give me my baby I've just one thing to say to you, young man She's a pretty wonderful woman Anyway That's one man's opinion Mother and our baby brother Robert came home And it was home once again There was no further news about Dad's trip to Czechoslovakia So that summer, as usual, we went to the beach at Nantuket Dad had certain fixed ideas about the ocean Mainly that it was intended for bathing Regardless of the temperature Come on, slowpokes, hurry up Last one in is Kaiser Bill Oh, mother, must we go in? It's freezing You should know by now, Ernestine, how your father feels about the primitive life Oh, well then, let's go in and get it over with You'd think Dad invented this ocean, you'd think he... Ernestine, look That's Tom, Tom Black from high school Look, he's a lifeguard But what's he doing here at Nantuket? Well, he has to keep him conditioned for swimming somewhere, doesn't he? But why did he have to pick this place? And he's playing a ukulele And look at all those girls around him Come on, let's go by and see what happens I should say not Well, we know him, don't we? We see him at school, don't we? Yes, we see him, but he doesn't even know I... We exist Besides, here comes Dad Hurry up, girls Good dip in the ocean, never hurt anybody You better, right? That quack? Ha! My heart's as good as his any day Better In the ogre, ladies, come on now None of this nonsense about... Just look at them Those girls were that ukulele player Dad, you're staring Fine spectacle Odd hair, gold stockings and painted knees But Dad, that's the way everybody dresses at the beach Everybody but Ernestine and me, we're just... just freaks Freaks are not, you're not going down and round here Bare knees for all the boys to ogre Not while I'm alive Well, boys don't ogre when everybody dresses that way Don't tell me what boys ogre, I was young once myself Honestly, Dad, how do you ever expect us to be popular? Popular, popular, that's all I hear That's the magic word, isn't it? That's what's the matter with this generation Nobody thinks about being smart or clever No, sir, they just want to be popular But Dad, if you'd only be reasonable... For the last time, no You may not roll your stockings on the beach Other girls want to go the level, that's their business They're not going with them, is that clear? It ought to be, we've heard it often enough Now look here, you want to get married someday, don't you? Well, nice girls don't marry men And nice men don't marry girls who make themselves cheap You may run around with them before they're married But when they settle down, they want someone they can respect Well, they certainly respect me I'm the most respectable girl I know But they respect me so much they don't even look at me Me either Well, that's too bad, isn't it? I'll come along and get some of that good soft water That afternoon I made up my mind to revolt I'd start from the top down I took a pair of scissors and... What have you done? Oh, Ernestine, believe me I didn't do it just for myself I cut off my hair for you and Martha and Mary and Lillian and Jane Because I know you'll never be emancipated until I pave the way Otherwise we'll all go to our grave's old maze We're still wearing cootie garages over our ears And long drawers When are you going to show him? I'll be downstairs at dinnertime Now hand me that comb and help me trim the ends Oh, your hair, Ann, your beautiful hair I had picked the worst possible moment for my revolt Of course I didn't know it at the time The dad had already received one blow One that really hurt When I went down for dinner, he and mother were alone on the floor Dr. Benheim It seems the management conference program is filled without me Oh, Frank, really? Yes, Benheim still says he's still working on it, but not to count on it I gather there's a general lack of interest Well, there'll be other conferences, Frank, don't be too disappointed Yes, I guess I was counting on it too much, Lily Well, let's go in and have dinner There's only one thing I can count on You and the children The sweetest, the most obedient children who ever... Right, Frank, what is it, dear? Who is that? Who is that creature in there? Ann Ann, your hair Ann Gilbert, take off that ridiculous wig Cut my hair You may kill me if you want to, but I've done it I think it looks kind of snakey, dad Besides, it's ever so much more efficient I'll bet she can fix her hair now In 15 seconds Fix what hair? She hasn't had a hair left to fix Oh, Ann, how could you do this to yourself? To herself? How could you do it to an Airdale? Well, I won't have it I want to grow them back, young lady, and I want to grow them back fast I'm not going to grow it back I don't care what anybody says I'm sick of being afraid Ann, Ann, come back here Let her go, dear, after all it isn't such a tragedy All the girls are age of bobbing their hair now But I distinctly told her, Lily She's growing up, Frank, she's no longer a child Now come and have dinner But we start in letting the children do as they please now, here Please, dear, for my sake Well, all right, Lily 15 seconds, hmm? I wonder if Ernestine knows what she's talking about By the time vacation was over, dad was reconciled My bobbed hair had been a bitter pill for him to swallow But like all fathers, from the beginning of time He gulped and swallowed it Then one evening, in my bedroom That package from the department store Come on in, daddy You may as well know the worst, they... They're teddies, see? Lace teddies They're what? I bought them with my own money and I'm going to wear them Oh, no, you're not You're going to send them right back Well, it embarrasses me even to look at them Oh, but dad You mean to tell me this is all the underwear women put on nowadays? Oh, please be sensible, daddy And you don't really mean I have to send them back Not really, do you? Well, but no silk stockings and high heel shoes I'm not going to have a lot of doctor's bills because of foot color Oh, thank you, daddy And while we're both in the mood You may as well know it's a little late for that now, see? High heels I've been wearing them ever since we came home from Nantucket Come back here, I'm not saying you can wear those things My own flesh and blood in high heels Who telephoned? Oh, mother, I told you I told you if I started dressing like other girls, everything would be all right But who was it, dear? Joe, Joe Scales He's asked me to go to the senior prom on Friday night The prom, mother Who is Joe Scales? Is he nice? Oh, he comes from an awfully nice family And he's, he's cheerleader He's got his own car, too Who might define recommendations What about a raccoon coat? Oh, well, he'll probably get that next year when he goes to college Gee Come on, Ernestine I've got to decide what I'm going to wear, it's formal Just a minute, young lady Friday night, you say? Oh, yes Let me see Friday night, yes, yes, that's all right I can make it You can make what? The dance, of course Dad, you don't mean... You didn't think I was going to let you go out by yourself with a cheerleader, did you? You wouldn't spoil everything by doing a thing like that, would you? What do you think of me? That you're a sensible, well-brought-up child with sensible parents Oh, honestly, Dad, don't you even trust your own daughter? I trust all my daughters Is that cheerleader I don't trust? Now make up your mind, either I go or you don't Yes, father KNX, 1070, News Radio The curtain rises on Act 3 of Cheaper by the Dozen Starting clipped in wear by Frank Gilbreth With Rhoda Williams as Anne And Betty Lou Gerson as Mother I'd arrived in Soty Joe's scale Now Joe was no Rudolph Valentino But he was a boy And he was taking me, us, to the senior prom Joe made quite an impression on my brothers and sisters Oh, hey, you kids ever see a William Telltie? Okay, now watch, you pull the bowl and it hits the apple Get it? It hits the apple Great Caesar's ghost, Lily It's Joe College in the flesh Oh, not so loud, dear I think he's kind of cute Cute? He looks like what might happen if a pygmy married a Bob-Tale penguin Where is Anne? She just went up to get her rap Now look, dear, why don't you just stay home and have a nice quiet? Home? I said I was going and I am I know it's not your fault, Lily But things would have been a lot easier if you'd taken my advice and had old boys I'm sorry, dear, I'll try to be more careful with the next dozen Coming, daughter, coming All set, pop? Okay, baby, let's shake that thing So long, gang! Yeah, let's shake that thing, so long, gang Come on, Joe, the tickets, the tickets Oh, oh, oh, here What held you up so long? Surely to start necking, ain't it? It's name, it's name Oh, excuse me, sir Hmm What happened to the cheerleader? He's checking our raps Well, shall we sit down? Oh, don't you see, dad, everybody's talking I can't even go to a dance alone I don't know why boys even bother about me Well, I know if you don't And that's exactly why I'm here I haven't seen such ogling since we left Manhattan All set, baby? Oh, yes, Joe Well then, come on, let's give it the old hips So long, pop, don't do anything I wouldn't do A little later on, when the orchestra was taking a rest I ran into Debbie Lancaster Debbie was a senior She used lipstick And had plans of going on the stage Gotta meet your daddy I think he's the cutest man I ever saw But he's kind of old-fashioned, Debbie Then I'll just adore him Because I'm off the old-fashioned myself Maybe it's because I was born in Mississippi You just gotta be old-fashioned to be born in Mississippi Well, come on then But be careful, won't you, Debbie? I mean about your perfume and lipstick and everything No, don't worry, honey My daddy's the same way Oh, it's carrying on about me But I notice he don't carry on when it's no one else Caster, daddy, she's from Mississippi How do you do? Oh, Mr. Gilbreth I've just been hopin' and hopin' to meet you Ever since you started visiting our school Is that so? Well, well, well, I'm delighted, delighted So you're from Mississippi, are you? Just a little old-fugitive from a plantation Mm-hmm Oh! Hello, Debbie Hello, honey Well, we ought to know each other by now Yes, yes, of course Dad, this is Tom Black How do you do? Evening, Mr. Gilbreth Well, how about a dance, Anne? Me? Do you mind, dad? Not at all, not at all No, I'm sure this young lady and I will have a very pleasant time I guess Joe won't like this, Anne, but But I've been waiting for this chance ever since you got here Say, say, what have you done to yourself? Nothing What do you mean? You sure didn't look like this last summer at Nantucket How would you know what I looked like? You never even noticed me Well, I'm noticing you now, baby And I'm in You should not have been in there, honey Oh, I mean, Mr. Gilbreth Just saving millions of dollars in time and things Oh, well, I, uh, I jingled that perfume smells good Oh, boy, yeah, I'll send it to you But I mean, what does anybody want to see all that time for, Mr. Gilbreth? Well, maybe for one thing So as to be able to sit here and talk to a pretty little lady like you You're so good looking, too Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that Lots of girls are just gonna hate me if they don't get to meet you Do you mind? Mind? Me? Mind? No, not at all Bring them over, many as you like, bring them on Oh, thank you, sugar I miss you, Gilbreth Well, well, well Say your old man sure is swell, Anne Believe me, if I ever have a daughter, I'm sure gonna watch her, too You, you are? They're not gonna catch me letting her run around by herself But I mean, oh, oh, yes A fellow likes to run around a little, sure But when it comes to settling down, believe me, I want a girl I can respect Well, that's funny, that's just what my father said It sure makes you stop and think, all right An important man like Mr. Gilbreth, sitting there all by himself Not even dancing, just watching, watching Tom, Tom, look My father over there, all alone, not even dancing Holy cow, look at him, Charleston I just love dancing with you, Mr. Gilbreth Thank you, young lady Well, I hope you haven't been too lonely, dad No, no, I've managed I didn't know you could dance There's lots of things you don't know, young lady Maybe you ought to congratulate me But for? Well, after all it isn't every girl in Montclair High whose father can be Bella the ball Now, let's be honest They're not really bad kids, are they? Well... And you're not really gonna tag along with me every time I go out, are you? Well, we'll decide that when I get back After all, I won't be able to tag along when I'm in Europe Europe? But I thought you weren't going Oh, yes, yes, I am I'm going to speak in London as well as in Prague But when did all this happen? The invitation just came, a cable Your mother sent Frank over with it, not five minutes ago Oh, daddy, that's wonderful Now, now, let's not get emotional If you're gonna tattle me, young lady By jingle, let's tattle A few days later, we were all in the living room saying goodbye Dad insisting on going to the station When I get back, I'll show you lots of things I don't intend to start off for Europe bringing wet with tears You'd better hurry, dear, you don't have too much time Boys, take your suitcase Oh, your pills, what about your pills, Frank? Well, Burton gave me enough to last a lifetime This is for you, dad But don't open it up till you get on the boat More socks? Well, who taught me how to knit in the first place? Okay, I plead guilty Thank you, dear Well, kids, let's get this over with Goodbye, dad, goodbye Goodbye, Frank Take good care of yourselves Don't worry about me If anything comes up, you know where to cable me Well, I'll take care of the work here You just forget it, enjoy yourself I will Well, kids, one more kiss, huh? Goodbye Now, you behave yourselves Do what your mother tells you I'll be back in a couple of months I'm going to miss you so much A little more attention to the books, young lady and a little less to that swimming champion and you'll stand a better chance of getting into college Understand? I'll work on it, dad That's my girl Well Goodbye, Lily Goodbye, dears Have a good time Goodbye, dad Our father was dead Children, please Please sit down I've called you all the children together because I think you ought to know the situation There isn't going to be a great deal of money Most of it had to go back into father's business Anyway, I... I just telephoned grandmother in California She wants us to move out there and live with her If it's a matter of money, mother I plan not to go to college anyway I'll get a job I don't want to go to college either Please Wait until I finish There is an alternative but it hinges on you being able to take care of yourselves I can go on with father's work, keep the office open That would mean we could stay here if we live very simply Oh, my gosh If anything should work out then and you can go to college later on Father wanted all of you to go to college Oh, don't worry about that, mother Do you want to try? Can you run the house and look after things until I come back? Well, come back from where, mother? I'm going to Europe I'm going to give those speeches for father We all know how much they meant to him I'm sure that's the way he'd want it But as I say, the final decision is up to you Oh, mother, you don't have to ask us You know we'll do anything as long as we can stay together Thank you, dear I knew that's what you'd feel about it Well, since I'm going to be planning the meals from now on I guess I better get started And I'll see that the house is kept nicely, mother Just the way you like it And I'll help her We all will We'll do the errands, won't we, Frank? And keep the yard clean and... You bet we will You've got a bigger job than that, Frank Yes, mother From now on you'll have to be the man of the family We'll handle things, mother And we'll do a good job too You just wait and see Yes, son, I know you will Well, anyway, that's one man's opinion Yes, dad Your brick and company will go on Mother and your even dozen will see to that Mother will go to Europe And you'll be proud of the way she delivers those speeches for you And she'll go right on, following in your footsteps To become the foremost woman industrial engineer in the world And by 1948, America's Woman of the Year But wherever you are, dad Somehow I'm sure you know that And never doubted it for one moment