 excuse the light in of this video I just got out of therapy and it's 7 30 so it's dark out you could probably tell by how I look that I'm a bit overwhelmed but I had a great session today because I was able to release a lot that I've been holding all week and last week because I didn't have therapy last week and I'm not sure when I'm gonna post this video but there's a video that I'll be posting before that that would you know kind of explain that part but in therapy today I just I think the we spoke about a lot because like I said I have therapy last week so we covered a lot and we definitely went over an hour which I'm always grateful for like my therapist she's so amazing that if she doesn't have another obligation right after my session or have like another appointment or something scheduled she goes over an hour with me I am so grateful she's not one of those therapies to be like okay that's our time time to go today I feel so much lighter right now that I kind of just want to go home I go to sleep take a shower I'm gonna sleep but today's session I just kind of I cried I cried a lot because I was feeling so I still feel but I feel lighter now that I've gotten all of that off my chest and out my head but I was just kind of saying I now realize just how much how to put it I realized just how much of myself I lost while I was in my previous relationship thinking back I realized that I wasn't happy or I wasn't completely myself for actually a long time before things got physically abusive I was still not myself I was not completely happy not for the whole 10 11 years but like towards the ending you know I would say like from mid 2018 2019 going into the mirrors I told I was the reason why I was feeling overwhelmed is because I have a lot on my plate right now getting ready for mango melee and still being a mother taking care of my boys breastfeeding doing household stuff laundry cooking getting them ready in the morning reading like getting them ready for bed and then trying to take care of myself so usually when I'm busy when things get busy like this something goes on the back burner and these past two weeks that something has been me so I have not been able to really do a lot of myself care practices that I do at home or on my during my alone time to kind of release my stress my mental stress and right now I'm in a state where like I could feel the stress in my body and I haven't felt stress in my body like this in a long time because I've actually been doing a good job of taking care of myself but these past two weeks I feel like I've been dragging myself through the mud and then on top of that I'm trying to I've been asking my parents and my sisters for more help because I've been busy getting things ready for mango melee and that has been stressful in itself when people aren't doing what they say they're gonna do when they say they're gonna do it so and then I still have to remember things for everybody else remember it's time to pick up the boys or remember he has therapy today or remember you can't leave him by himself you know you gotta pick him up at this time and just still making sure that everybody do what they are so what needs to be done even when they're helping me with the boys like that's stressful it's stressful because I have to think I still have to be in mommy mode even when I am trying to focus on something else like I could never turn that part of my brain off and I've just been feeling extremely overwhelmed and today I react well in my session I was telling my therapist that the thing that I'm missing now is the same thing that made me stay in my relationship for so long and that's and that's me not wanting to do this by myself that's me knowing that the only other person that would have to hold and who will have to carry this responsibility in equal parts with me without I don't even know how to verbally explain this but like their father was very hands on with them you know so even though I provided financially and you know still made sure all of our affairs were in order and I dealt with everything logistically and you know when it comes to the house and travel and making sure everybody have what they need there was other stuff that I didn't really have to always worry about so he would do most of the cooking and if I was so tired he would bathe them and get them ready for bed or if I just needed some might some me time I could leave the house for hours and leave them home with him I didn't have to ask or beg for that support in that aspect or that help when it came so when it came to the children he was there you know and I was telling my therapist that it's like I had to choose between my happiness my peace my safety and having someone to help me raise these children like I had to choose and I don't regret what I chose because I chose my safety of course but it doesn't make it any less overwhelming it doesn't make it any easier to do the shit by myself and when I say by myself I don't mean that in terms of like I don't have any help I do but it's no one else's responsibility the way it its minds the only other person that it could be that would be responsible for them in the way that I am responsible for them is the person that helped me create them and that's their father and he's not here that's the hard part that's the hard part for me right now it's hard to explain because because he was so many different things in my life I don't just have one emotion towards it like I don't miss him I don't want to be in his presence he's not here for me to be in his present but even if he was like I don't miss that but at the same time I wanted my children to be able to have a relationship with him at the same time I wanted to know that I could do things or take time for myself and not have to worry about who is gonna who am I gonna ask to watch my children or who am I gonna ask for support in this time because I need to do X Y and Z I don't know if I'm making sense and when I play back this video to edit it I don't even know if I'm gonna keep all of this in it but all I know is that I've been very overwhelmed right now and this has been a very difficult month for me so far a very emotional month a very overwhelming month a very anxious month and I don't know how to explain to my family that I don't have the mental capacity right now to do anything else and that I actually do need some extra help I was also telling my therapist that I don't know how to be vulnerable with my family I've tried I honestly tried like I it's actually literally uncomfortable for me to be vulnerable with my family I don't want them to see me crying I don't want to cry to them I don't want to like the way I come on camera and talk about like what I'm feeling and what I'm going through what I discuss in therapy usually I don't even do this like usually I just go MIA and I pop up when I'm all good and better like if you look at the timeline of videos back on my channel like you always see this long big ass gap because when I'm going through it when I'm dealing with something when I'm hurting when I'm sad like I don't post I don't come on camera I don't do anything but being that I'm in therapy now I'm learning how to still express my vulnerability and so I can be vulnerable in therapy with my therapist and I'll cry my eyes out and I'll say everything that I'm feeling thinking experiencing and I feel better at the end of it but I don't know how to do that with my family I don't know how to do it my parents my siblings my siblings and I could come on camera and I can talk I'm not gonna cry like maybe while I'm talking sometime you know my catch some tears coming up my eyes but I'm not gonna come on here boo-hoo in like what I would do in therapy and I'm working on that I'm working on my vulnerability we discussed that today like I realized that our parents didn't teach us cuz it's not just me my siblings don't know how to be vulnerable either I realize I like my that's not something my parents allowed us to do growing up like not allow us but like it's not something they encouraged like right now with my son I tell him like it's okay to cry if you're sad like if I see him walking around looking a little sad or upset or anything I ask him what's wrong you okay are you sad are you upset do you want to talk about it like if you don't want to talk about it when you let me know you want to talk about it I'm here for you to talk and even when he had his little outburst not outburst but release crying saying he want his baba I held him and I said it's okay to cry go ahead let it out and I encouraged him like I don't I don't remember getting that growing up and not to say that my parents were bad like I had a great childhood in terms of like I didn't there's nothing in my childhood that I could say like oh my gosh I complain I could complain about or say that my parents was X Y and Z or did this and that to us no I just know that they didn't know how to be vulnerable so they didn't know how to teach us to be vulnerable and even to this day my parents don't know how to be vulnerable so I am trying to break that cycle with my children but at the same time I'm trying to get it together for myself and going through this right now not knowing how to just tell my parents I am feeling very sad today and I just want to lay down and cry and I just would like for you to watch the boys for me I don't know how to do that I don't know how to like calm my sister and be like listen I'm having a hard time right now and a lot is coming up for me emotionally due to the abuse and his passing or the sexual assault like I don't know how to just call them and be vulnerable I don't know how like I I've literally tried and I will always stop myself because it literally makes me uncomfortable but the first step to change is acknowledgement and awareness and now that I'm aware of it and I'm acknowledging it I'm gonna try to do better my parents watch my videos that's another thing I don't know how often they watch it or if they to watch all my videos but if they've been watching my therapy Thursday videos like you would think that that alone would like make them like trigger it for them to realize that like yo she's still really going through a lot but if you watching this now I love y'all and I appreciate everything y'all are doing for me I have to be honest I be trying to put on a strong face all the time and I'm not always feeling like how I am and I think that when I ball when I ball up my emotions it comes out in frustration and irritation instead of softness crying or release so when y'all see me around the house just be looking frustrated and tired and overwhelmed and it's cuz I just don't know how to I don't know how to talk to you all in a vulnerable way and I'm gonna work on it but I right now I don't know how to and I need to do better because I know that when I keep it in like I only have therapy once a week okay so I know that when I keep it in that all those emotions come out as frustration and I don't want to take that out on my children I don't want to be frustrated and irritable and impatient with them so I'm working on it but I need help anyways that was not everything we discussed in my therapy session but that was the I guess some of the highlights I'm just really tired yeah I'm gonna go home and finish up what I was doing and try to go to bed early tonight it's already 746 and I know when I go home I have to get children ready for bed because chances are they're probably home watching TV I'm grateful though I'm grateful because there's so many single mothers out there that don't have any help at all like none they do it all by their self 24 7 no type of break so I am truly grateful I'm just gonna continue to find balance continue to find balance between motherhood business and self-care and it will get easier and I will master it one day probably not master it in terms of everything is always equal all the time but I'm gonna master it in terms I know that sometimes some of my energy is gonna go more over in this area versus this area but at the end when you look at everything it will be balanced so that's about it for this video if you've been thinking about going to therapy but haven't started yet let this be your reminder to start if you're not sure about it if you if you're hesitant if you feel like you don't need it just go anyways you never know what's gonna come up for you a lot of times is the people who feel like they don't need therapy to actually need it the most do your research find a good therapist someone you feel comfortable with someone you could trust and get started let the healing begin anyways to all of my melanated women watching protect your wound by any means necessary and to everybody watching protect your peace by any means necessary I wish you all love light and prosperity and you'll see me in my next video peace