 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the 10 things a man will do when he really loves you. Well, these are the things he'll only do if he really loves you and I'm really excited about this topic. All right, really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new content. And if any time during this live stream or if you're watching a replay, I share something that resonates with you. Please do me a favor, hit that like button. That way I know that, or this will get out in the algorithm more. So let me click on that button. Okay, so, all right. So those who follow me know that when I do my live streams I'm gonna do the content first and then I'm gonna do Q and A. So just give me about five, 10, 15 minutes to go through the content that we're gonna be covering today and then we're gonna take questions. So that's in the chat box. And if you have a question, write the word question and post the question or buy a super sticker or super chat and then post the question there. All right, so what are these 10 things, all right? Now, before we get into it, I just wanna be very upfront and say, let's just get real. Dating sucks, dating sucks. I mean, some people say, why does it have to be this hard, okay? Isn't there an easier way to date? Why is this so complicated? Why are men complicated? Why do men goes, why do men disappear? Why do women do this? Why do women do that? Why is this so frustrating? Why is it so hard? I thought this was gonna be easier. Yeah, it does kind of feel like it sucks. That's certainly how it can feel for many people who have been out there, they put themselves out there only to have themselves disappointed. Women feel disappointed in the dating process and men feel disappointed in the dating process. And I certainly can empathize with a lot of women out there that have been frustrated with men. Men who show up, who don't show up where their actions match their words, where they show up as a victim in their life. They show up as needy, maybe they show up as avoidant. It can be very frustrating for many of you. And so why this is so complicated because humans are actually rather complicated. Humans who haven't done personal development, self-help and spiritual work oftentimes are suffering on the inside, okay? So I just wanna lean in for a moment and say, look, dating does suck. I'm just gonna, let's agree that, at least I believe it does. I get it why you feel this way. And I certainly get for many of the women who follow my work, your frustration with men. You have a very valid reason to be frustrated because a lot of men are rather clueless in the dating process. But today we're not gonna be talking about the clueless men, or at least right now. We're gonna be talking about those men who genuinely want to be in a juicy, delicious, healthy relationship. These are the men who want to be, and these are the men who are capable of being in a juicy, delicious, healthy relationship. Raise your hand if that's what you'd like in your life. Post a comment below if you're watching the replay or post it in the chat saying, yes, I want one of these kind of relationships, okay? Now, why it's so important to recognize how men do show up when they genuinely care is because many of you have been feel like, I'm not saying you have, but it might feel like you've been beaten down in the process because of one poor experience after another poor experience after another poor experience, and it can weigh on your emotional soul. So let me first just reach out and give you a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug if that's okay, because I get it. And this is why I'm such a big proponent for everyone reading my book, what the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? This is a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. There's a link below in the description to Jonathan recommends books in my book. Why this is so important is when you are aligned to who you are and what you want, you become a magnetic attractor for the kind of men who are gonna show up this way. So let's talk about those 10 ways men show that they really love you. And so I wanna start, by the way, I wanna share with you, when I came up with this content, I did a little bit of research online and then I sat with myself and I thought, how do I show someone when I have been in love? How do I show that I care? And these are roughly 10 out of 30 things I came up with, okay? So number one, and by the way, this is in no order. So number one is he wants to show you off to his family after you've met his friends. When a man genuinely cares about you, he actually wants to introduce you to his family. Now, I wanna differentiate men in their 20s and 30s versus those in their 40s, 50s and 60s because certainly men who are in their 50s and 60s, their immediate parents may no longer be with us. Like for example, my mom and dad, my mom passed away a few years ago and then my father has moved back to his home country. For those who know and follow me, his home country is Istanbul, Turkey. He wanted to spend his remaining years there, so that's where he is right now. But I can share with you that one of the proudest moments I had when I was in a significant relationship was I wanted my mom and dad's approval to some degree or at least some of my family members, even my siblings or whatnot. And when I say approval, it's just I wanna show that, if I really cared about someone, I wanted to show them off to those who matter most. So that's certainly a great sign when a man after you've met his friends, which is another good sign as well, but when he actually wants to introduce you to his family or even his children, those who know me, that's my two boys, Connor and Colin, sadly. Connor only gets to see anyone I meet in from heaven looking down, but I certainly, I'm looking forward to the day that I can introduce my son to someone I care about. That's a sign that he really cares, okay? Is this thinking it? All right, and please hit that like button if it is thinking it. Number two, and again, this is in no particular order. He will want to protect you. He will want you to feel safe. Now, I think of, I'm gonna tell you something, when I was growing up, my mother really encouraged me to walk on the outside of the street and open car doors and do those sorts of things. I was encouraged to do that as a young man, but it bled into really, well, not bled into, let me excuse me, it really was a reflection of why when I'm out in public, I'm actually aware of my surroundings in relationship with my partner because I want her to feel safe. I want her to feel safe. That's actually something that a man who genuinely cares and loves on you is actually thinking about your safety. So let me give you an example of how this also plays. I was in a significant relationship some years back with a woman and she had to go to a recording studio to do an interview for a news program or something like that. And she was driving into a part of town she didn't feel comfortable in. So she called me up and we lived 30 miles from each other, said, hey, can you come over here and take me to this part of town? And because I genuinely love and care on her, I stopped what I was doing and went to go do that. Not that I was in the middle of anything overly, required my attention, but because I wanted her to feel safe, I absolutely leaned in and met up with her and took her to the recording studio. We ended up having a great lunch afterwards. She did a great job, it was a lot of fun. But that's how a man genuinely shows that he loves your cares, one other aspect. Number three, oh, this is the one you might find some fun with. He's attracted to you even in the early morning without makeup. He's attracted to you in the early morning without makeup. I love this one and it is so true. When a guy genuinely cares about the woman he's with, it's not about being dolled up all the time. We actually appreciate you without all the makeup at times. That's when we get to actually see your true beauty in many cases, or at least it gives us an opportunity to see your true beauty. And when a man feels and he can appreciate you without all that makeup in the early morning and your hair is disheveled, I know that's the way my hair is in the morning. That's certainly a sign that he cares and loves you. Is this resonating with you? Please let me know. Please post a comment if this is resonating with you as well. So I know that the comment section is working. All right, number four, he wants to spend as much time with you as possible. He wants to spend as much time with you as possible. This is a great sign when a guy genuinely cares. He takes time out of his day to make time to see you and he's always checking in with you to wanna see how much time you have available to be with him as well. This is a common, I see this common complaint with women that men aren't investing from a perspective of time in the relationship. And that usually, when a guy genuinely loves someone, he wants to spend time with her. He wants, you know, I referenced the movie Harry Met Sally over and over again on my videos, but that's a perfect analogy. When we're in a relationship with someone we genuinely care about, or more so with someone that we like, that we like, we want to spend time with them because it feels good. Let me repeat that. We wanna spend time with you because it feels good. And the only time it doesn't is either, A, something's going on inside of us, or B, we're trying to keep distance because we know on a subconscious level, we're not gonna go the distance with you. Bump, bump, bump. Did you hear that? On a subconscious level, we know we're not gonna go the distance on you. So we're happy to get companionship, connection, and sex without going, because many men are absolutely content with just casual relationships. A significant number of percentage of men are absolutely okay with casual relationships. In fact, most relationships today are simply of casual nature. And so when a guy genuinely wants, genuinely loves you, he wants to spend time with you because it feels good being with you. And when a guy doesn't make time to be with you, either there's chaos going on in his life or you're just not the one. That's really as simple as that, in that particular case. Okay, number five. You know, this one is a little, I put down men, I know that when I'm in love, I can be a little territorial. I can even be a little jealous. But not jealous in a way where I'm acting jealous. I'm just saying internally, I think men are inherently territorial. So when we genuinely loves, I mean, now first off, this is our ego stepping in right now, that territorial piece, or excuse me, jealousy is coming from ego. Territorial is a biological thing. But that actually, when we're feeling territorial for you for us, that's actually a good sign for us that we care about you, even though it is kind of biologically ingrained in us. And the ego wants to act jealous, that's not a healthy thing, but a little bit of jealousy isn't that bad. And I think it goes both ways. And again, I'm saying this purely from a tiny percentage, not from a place of insecurity, but just from a place of actual care. Because let's face it, with the abundance of people in the world, it can feel a little scary that there's always somebody better around the corner. So we can feel a little bit insecure, but not because we're insecure people. I hope this is making sense. Okay, number six, he understands the value of compromise. He understands the value of compromise. Let's face it, every relationship is gonna have friction. Every relationship is gonna have differences. Every relationship isn't so perfectly aligned that you're just happy 24 seven. And so one of the fundamentals of emotional maturity is the understanding of something I call fighting fair, fighting fair and what that means is, fighting fair means it's not about being right, it's about being happy. So a man who genuinely loves you, it's not about him winning any argument that have between you. A man who genuinely loves you wants to come to some resolve when there's differences between us from a healthy space and compromise simply means, compromise simply means trade-off. I'm trading this for that. That's all that compromise is. It's willing to make a trade-off. I'm gonna trade maybe being stubborn to being happy or I'm gonna trade being happy instead of being stubborn because that's to me the trade-off because oftentimes it's our pigheaded stubbornness men and women alike that creates friction in relationships and I'm burping. By the way, I've got my Moscow Mule for tonight. It's not quite happy hour yet, happy hour I think, well, technically happy hour starts in 15 minutes. I'm having a little cocktail before I go out to dinner with my bestie tonight. So if everyone has their cocktail, I hope you're taking a drink right now or maybe not. All right, number seven. He actually appreciates your advice and seeks it out. Bump, bump, bump. He actually appreciates your advice and seeks it out. Okay, this is when a guy genuinely, I mean, when you know a guy actually at, when a guy asks for your advice, that is a great sign that he genuinely loves and cares and respects you because men rarely ever ask for advice. So when a man leans in says, honey, I'd like to get your opinion on something or honey, I'd like to get your perspective on something or honey, I need your advice on something that's going on at work or I need your advice on something with my children. That is certainly a great sign and men reserve that for the women that they genuinely care about for the most part. By the way, now I wanna say one thing, everything I'm about to share, these aren't absolute truths, okay? These are rough generalizations, but they tend to have the propensity of these generalizations is more often than not, it's true. So I just want you to understand, these aren't absolute truths, these are just generalizations that tend to be true. Is this syncing in? Please let me know, hit that like button. All right. Oh, someone's sipping red wine by their fireplace, that's great. By the way, let me know if the audio in the video is well because I'm trying a new live stream program. Okay, number eight. He really listens to you and remembers little things. He really listens to you and remember little things, okay? This actually reminds me of a woman I was in relationship with shortly after my divorce or when I filed for divorce. I met a woman who loved, so I went to her home. I mean, I think it was our third or fourth date and I noticed that she had a bottled water. I've mentioned this before called Penta. That was the brand of the bottled water. And I just remembered that she'd said that she liked this brand. And I said, really, I thought you, someone would like Fiji water or you'd like smart water. No, she goes, I like Penta water. Well, so because I knew it was important to her, I made sure that when she came to my house, I had a six pack of Penta water at my house because I'm actually listening to her and I'm remembering the little things. In fact, everything about what I'm sharing here today are all the little things that we do. When we do enough little things, that actually is how we demonstrate our love. It's not in big grand ways. It's actually in these small little ways that demonstrates true love. So in this particular case, she was so excited that she had that, the water was there and she was very appreciative that I remembered and that's a sign that a man genuinely cares or loves on you. Number nine, number nine, did I do eight? He listens to you and remember things. Number nine, he treats you with respect. He treats you with respect and this is so critically important. What I mean by treat you by respect is that you're going back to that disagreements we were talking about before. When there's a disagreement, okay? When there's a disagreement, he'll actually listen to your point of view. That's demonstrating respect because again, when we're in disagreement, we can oftentimes be rigid and stuck in our own ways. But when he actually cares about you, he wants to hear your point of view and that's demonstrating respect. I think one of the best ways to demonstrate respect is to actively listen to another person and accept their point of view as being true for them. It's when we get into defensiveness and contempt and criticism and stonewalling, those are the saboteurs to a healthy happy relationship which I talked about in the previous live stream, okay? Those four saboteurs. One of those saboteurs is getting defensive. A man who genuinely respects you doesn't get defensive. He actually listens to your point of view because he respects you, okay? Okay, and that was, oh, and number 10. Number 10, and then we're gonna take questions. So just as a reminder, write the word question and put the word, write the word question and then write your question because we're gonna be taking questions or purchase a super sticker or purchase a super chat. And that way I can see it in my screen. Okay, number 10. Number 10, he includes you in his future plans on big decisions. He includes you on his future plans for big decisions. I remember I was in, when I first started dating a woman some years back, when I was in a significant relationship with, I was making a big decision on writing my next book. And well, actually that wouldn't be the best example. Well, actually, let me think of a different example. Okay, actually that was, that's a professional example. I wanna lean into an example that related to both of us. And that was, I was actually planning on moving out of this one place into another place. And I knew that it would be, since my home, our home is so important to us, I wanted her to be a part of that decision-making process. I wanted her to be a part of it because I wanted her to like the new place I was choosing because we were in relationship with one another, I wanted her to be an active participant. When a man genuinely cares about you and loves you, he invites you to be part of his future plans. And that's a great sign when a man shows that he cares. And these are the things men do when they genuinely care and love out upon you. All right, I have a bonus number one, I have a number 11 that we're gonna share, but we're gonna wait a little bit further in the live stream to do that or if you're listening to the recording, I've got one more share, but it's gonna come a little bit later. All right, again, this is the time to ask questions. All right, so for those that are in the chat box, please write the word question and post a question. This is the best part of the videos in my opinion and it's time to get started. So let me scroll up the screen to see if anyone did ask a question. Let's see what CB writes. I met this guy at work that I like, not sure of his feelings, but when he walks by, he'll put his hand on my shoulder briefly and say a few words in passing or we'll touch my elbow and rub it gently. Okay, so I guess there's, what's the question? Okay, what's the question here? I see a question mark, but what's the question? So yes, I understand that this happens. I think you're probably asking yourself, what does this mean? Well, we can make up a story about what it means or you might want, first off, is it appropriate touching because I'm not a big fan of inappropriate or unsolicited touching. So you haven't addressed whether or not it is unsolicited and it's offensive to you. So I first want to address that first because I don't believe we should touch people without permission or we've certainly established enough rapport that if it happens, it's understanding that it comes with permission. So that's my first and foremost. I think what's most important is begin a dialogue with them, talk to them, start conversation, go have coffee. I mean, this isn't about the destination, this is about connecting with another human being if that's what you want to do, but ultimately make a choice. What do you want to do with this particular experience and then I'll be more than happy to help you navigate how to address it, but first I think you need to address what do you want from this experience, okay? All right, let's see if there's any. Again, if you have a question, post the word question and write it down. Karen Black writes, bingo on all counts, Jonathan. I've done the work, taken your advice and now in a juicy, delicious relationship with amazing man, yes, yes, yes, bingo. Yes, yes, yes, happy for you there, Karen. All right. All right, if you have a question, please write the word question and post it. This is the best part of it. And if you don't post questions, this is gonna be over very quickly. All right. Okay. Candy writes, met someone recently. We live in different cities. I felt like he was disagreeing with me a lot on the third day we hung out, probably not a good sign. Probably not a good sign. If someone's disagreeing with you, if there's, I'll never forget, I had a first date with a woman once. Oh my God, talk about a disaster. I mean, we, from the moment we started talking, it was like oil and vinegar, oil and water. I mean, it was just, I said black, she said white. I said, she said green. I said red, she said, you know, orange type of thing. I mean, we were so mismatched. I honestly, it was a turn off. I think if someone is inherently disagreeing with me, it's a misalignment between the two of us. And honestly, it didn't feel good. And I had no interest seeing her whatsoever. So if someone is argumentative or disagrees with you, and it's one thing to disagree like, hey, I disagree with you, kind of ha ha ha ha, versus no, you're wrong. Okay, that's contempt. And if someone's coming from a place of contempt, I'm not a big fan of that. So, Kandy, I hope that helps, but that's my response to that. Okay, Carrie writes, how do I stop attracting codependent men? They are like bees to honey with me. So, first off, my question, is that really true? Is every single man in your life codependent, okay? By the way, I will say that the vast majority of the population is relatively codependent, men and women alike. It's not uncommon for human beings to be codependent. So really, I wanna know what's the real, first off, if every single man you've ever dated in your life, I mean, so if you've gone out with a hundred men, all hundred are codependent, or has it been some men are codependent, and some men you don't, some men you've gone on dates with that you weren't attracted to who are not codependent. So let's be careful how we frame this. I think what's most important, the more important question is, how do I attract a person who's aligned to who I am and what I want? Let me repeat that. That would be the better question to ask. How can I attract a man who's more aligned to who I am and what I want, versus focusing on what you don't want, because that's what that question does. So my invitation for you, reframe the question for yourself, how can I attract? If it's not for me to answer, I want you to answer that question of yourself. How can I attract a man who's aligned to who I am, what I want, and then sit and meditate on it, or have a cocktail on it, and then see what comes up? I hope that helps, Carrie. All right. Christine M writes, question, last mate forced the relationship from day one. No boundaries, difficult to get out of, finally did. Also, can you go back to an timing that was challenging at the time's thoughts? Okay, so let me try to parse this. My last mate, I'm assuming life mate, forced the relationship for day one. So in other words, he was pursuing aggressively. You were probably a little bit resistant, but somehow you entered into a relationship. You said no boundaries. I'm assuming you had no boundaries. Oh no, he had no boundaries. And then it was difficult to get out of. So it was difficult to get out of ladies. I'm gonna say something here. I know it's difficult when you are emotionally attached to another human being. You might be attached to another human being that it might feel difficult to get out of the relationship. This is why I want you to read two books in particular. Number one is the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. And number two, I want you to read Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. Why are these important books to read? First off, and this goes back to Carrie's question, how do I stop attracting codependent men? Most likely the book, Getting the Love You Want explains why we choose people a certain way because it's a reflection of our upbringing from our childhood. I'm gonna repeat that. It's a reflection of our upbringing and our childhood that we wanna repeat patterns so we can heal from it. Our subconscious wants to repeat these patterns, not our conscious self. The book attached is understanding love attachment styles. So what happened was in this particular case, you were already attached to this person which made it difficult to get out. When you ladies and men listening take control of your relationship destiny, you get to make the choices, okay? So if you make the choice to stay, it's not their fault that you stayed in an unhealthy relationship, it's on you. One of the fundamentals in my book is about taking ownership in your life. And this is why a lot of people blame, I'm not saying Christine blamed him. I'm just saying that when you chose to stay in an unhealthy relationship, that's on you. And it's most likely because you're reliving patterns from your childhood or you have a love attachment style. And I highly recommend getting both of these books. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please hit that like button to let me know. All right. Let's see what else we have. Sorry, we got, okay. Question, Rosemary, okay. Here we go, Morgan. How do you discern where trauma is the root cause of the delay in the relationship versus a man very hesitant to commit? Does it matter? Okay, so I guess the question, does it really matter knowing why? I guess what matters most is, if a man is hesitant to commit because he suffered trauma, the real question is what is he doing to heal or what is he doing for himself to be in a place capable of being in a relationship? This isn't about you. This is about him answering these questions for himself. And if he's not asking himself these questions, you asking these questions can make you blue in your face. I mean, it's an exercise in futility, knowing what's most important is, why are you choosing a person who is hesitant to commit? Why are you choosing a person who hasn't done the work to heal their traumas? That's a better question to ask. Morgan, can you do that for me? Can you ask why you're choosing that? That's, I'd like to know the answer to. Candy writes, men filling a void versus men who really want to be part of your life. One big marker for these, Jonathan, please. Okay, this is a great question because a lot of people don't understand this is the vast majority of the population who is single out there, and they're not even looking for love. I don't even want to say that the population is looking for love. I think the vast majority of the population is seeking connection, connection with another human being and both some emotional, but mostly physical connection. That's what a lot of men and women are thirsty for. So what's happening is they're entering into casual relationships, casual relationships. Now Esther Perrell has a different term for this. Esther Perrell wrote the book, mating in captivity, mating in captivity. And I love this book to understanding what it takes to be in a really healthy happy relationship, but one of the things she talks about is something called stable ambiguity, stable ambiguity. What that means is these are relationships where they're relatively monogamous and they're relatively exclusive, and I say relatively, is that they've agreed to be monogamous and exclusive. So it's stable from that perspective, but what's ambiguous is the commitment. This is the biggest problem from what I see in dating today is a lack of intentionality, and the biggest problem I see is a lack of intentionality because many of you have been conditioned that first dates, you know, the first date should just be about fun. Let's have a good time. It's all about a good time. Let's have a good time. You know what? Just focus on having a good time in the next date. Just focus on having a good time in the next date. Just focus on having a good time in the next date because you should never, ever, ever interview a guy on a date. You know, you shouldn't ask questions because it's all about having a good time. And all you have to do, ladies, is you just sit back in your feminine energy and just let him come to you because you're just sitting in your feminine. In my book, this is bullshit. And let me tell you why. Ladies, you go out on one, two, three dates with a guy and it doesn't go anywhere. And a few weeks later, you go out on one, two, three dates with a guy and it doesn't go anywhere. And then a few weeks later, you go out with a guy, one, two, three dates and it doesn't go anywhere. Let me tell you what's happening. It's going to wear on your self-esteem. And when I say it doesn't go anywhere, you might have been able to ferret out and vet if you guys were compatible before you ever went on a date. I am here to say you should be fucking interrogating people, interrogate them. Yes, I said it. I know this goes against everyone else's advice because everybody else's just have fun. And don't interview people. And I'm here to say the apps of fucking loot opposite. You want to interrogate them. Okay, I'm saying this with a smile. What I mean to say, I interrogate. I'm saying that tongue in cheek. Okay, what I really mean to say is you want to ask questions first off to determine some base compatibility. For example, and I'm thinking of the woman who I knew some years back who dated a friend of mine. She wanted to have children, but didn't tell him this in the first, second, third or fourth date, okay? He'd already has three children. He didn't know plans whatsoever to have any more children, but she wanted to have children, but she didn't speak up and ask the question, do you want to have children? So they started the date. They entered into a relationship and it was the thorn in their side, the entire relationship because she went at it, just have a good time. She didn't ask good questions. She got attached to him and the relationship eventually ended. And by the way, he got a vasectomy while they were together because he didn't want to have children. So her biggest issue in the relationship, they'd always get into a fight about children. He's like, look, I mean, so ask questions right from the get go. Ask some compatibility questions before you ever meet a person. There is nothing wrong with that. And anyone who says otherwise, here's the problem. Ladies, you can go out with date after date after date. It's gonna wear on you emotionally. It wears on us if we have one, for lack of a better word, failed experience after another after another. So if you want to improve your odds, ask some really good questions ahead of time. Does this make sense? Is this sinking in? Please let me know, hit that like button. All right. All right, let's see what else we got here. Lele, what do I do when my ex who through my things, through my things, even though I asked if it's okay to keep them for temporarily, he lied, he had them and eventually admitted, I still can't forgive and forget. Okay. Well, I'm sorry you experienced that and I'm sorry that he threw things at you. I'm here to say though, if you can't forgive to forget, this is gonna be your, it's, you know, pain is, you know, here's the thing, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. And to me, when we don't forgive and forget, we are just internal, we're choosing to create suffering. Forgiveness simply means forgiving love. And by the way, the best, actually, what is it Brene Brown says? No, forgiveness is, I think it was Brene Brown that said this. By the way, Brene Brown wrote the book. Where's my book, my copy? I don't have it here, daring greatly, but Brene Brown, all right, I believe she said this, is that forgiveness isn't for them, it's for you. Forgiveness means forgiving love. So give yourself an injection of love by forgiving. It's not about forgetting or absolving someone of their behavior, but it might just tell you something. Forgiveness is the fundamental piece of love. And human beings who can forgive experience more love in their lives. And human beings who don't forgive experience a lot less love in their lives. That's just my interpretation, take it for what it's worth, but that's my invitation for you. When you can forgive, it's for you. It's not for him. You're gonna feel better, I promise you. Or at least that's my invitation for you. Kerry said, great answer, thank you. Rosemary writes, why would a guy call after weeks of not hearing from him and he asked if I'm dating anyone else? Yes, I moved on, never understood this. So why does my son go back and play a video game he hasn't played in a year? Because it's there, okay? It doesn't matter why he's doing it. Does it really matter why? Why do you need to know this, okay? I know you experienced it, you've already moved on. And I get, and by the way, the why is really irrelevant, but I'll tell you why. He has, he liked you at one point in his life. He liked a aspect of who you were and he liked and would like that aspect of you in his life. Not the totality of you, but an aspect of you. And that's why he's reaching out. But do you want a man who just wants a part of you or the whole part of you? That's what my invitation is for you, okay? I hope that helps Rosemary. Christine writes, question people who are in AA versus not suggested or not. I have no opinion on that people. I think people that are doing AA, there's a lot of great personal development work that comes out of AA. I know some people are still suffering who are in AA and some who have a handle on their issues. My feeling is this, like anything in life, every human being is a beautiful human being. Let me repeat that and I said it, every human being has beauty inside of them. Now, does that mean that they're compatible with us? Hell no, okay? But I certainly see the beauty in everybody, but ultimately I want someone who's compatible with me. And for me, for example, wine tasting is something I'm big on and I want my partner to wine taste with me. So that might be a reason why I may not want to date someone who's AA, but you know what, it doesn't, you don't know until you actually get to know someone, but you have to really know what's in your heart for you. And if there's a resistance to someone there, then look at that resistance first. That's my invitation there. Okay, wow, 100 different people to date, no way. Not that many people on the planet are privileged enough to spend time with me. Okay, seasons. Some people have gone on way more than a hundred dates. Kelly writes, bravo on being in a climate. Yes, Kelly, sending you a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug. Lori writes, what do you think causes contempt to develop in a relationship? You know, I think human beings can be rather myopic. And I think human beings, a lot of human beings can be rather righteous. I know I have a tendency to be a little bit righteous. And when I'm righteous, I can act in contempt. Now I typically catch myself when I've gone down the road of righteousness and I usually within five minutes, I can tell when I'm in a place of contempt or righteousness, not always, but most of the time. But I think it stems from a fear of not being good enough and sometimes the ego is so snarky and so insidious that it has to make ourselves out to be better than people to really address that we don't feel good enough about ourselves. So it's a very common human behavior, very common. In fact, the number one emotional health issue facing almost everybody is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. And this directly affects our self-worth, our self-esteem and our self-confidence. That's why the antidote to inner suffering is self-love. Like a vaccination to emotional chaos, this is the path to inner peace. And some of you struggle with this. By the way, if you need any love and support on this, check out a link to a free discovery call with me. My area of expertise isn't just about vetting to help you with emotionally, vetting for emotionally mature men and helping you get clarity on the ideal relationship for you. One of the fundamental coaching aspects of my coaching practice is helping women love on themselves and I gotta tell you something, ladies, and I say this with such reservation, but I watch this over and over and over again and my reservation is simply, is I witnessed too many women giving their power away to men. You give your power away to men because you've literally been conditioned for the following. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I'm gonna repeat that. I see this time and time again with so many women. You need someone to love you so you feel good about yourself. Self love says I love myself and being in a relationship is just a bonus. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? I hope it is because it's not about sitting back in your feminine energy and just hoping guys will magically appear. What matters most is leaning into your empowered energy, your empowered energy of loving on yourself because when you love on yourself, you actually approach the romantic relationship realm in a much healthier place. Instead of following stupid books like the rules, which I talk about almost in every video, stupid reverse psychology doesn't work. You wanna replace reverse psychology, replace it with loving on yourself. All right. I'm on a roll here. All right, let's see what else. Elizabeth, oh there, I just saw one bear with me. Hey, Mindy. Hey, Doug, how's it going? I saw someone named Elizabeth. Sorry, this is taking longer than I thought. I could have swore. Oh there, Barbara Elizabeth, that's what I saw. Okay, do you feel comfortable talking about what went wrong in your marriage? Do you feel comfortable talking about what went wrong in your marriage, specifically what you learned from it? I'm not asking just to air dirty laundry, just want to glean. So I think Barbara, you're talking about my marriage. So one of the things that went wrong in my marriage was I was rather clueless on how relationships work. I was so fucking clueless. I was winging it, as I talk about, I'm winging it. And because of that, and I was so hyper-focused on my career that I didn't know how to be a good husband. I was more focused. My upbringing was highly focused on being the provider, protector, and that was the most important thing in the relationship. And I did that. I mean, we lived in a $2 million home when we were married. We had three cars in the garage. I mean, we had a Porsche, a BMW, and an Audi. I mean, we were rocking and rolling. I worked my butt off, but I didn't work on the relationship, and I was rather clueless on the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. So that's part of what went wrong. Plus, there's a lot of other things that I can't share that's very private and intimate to my ex-spouse, but ultimately, I was rather clueless, and we weren't really that well-aligned. This is why I highly recommend reading this book if eight dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman, eight dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman, why? You know, before we got married, we did some counseling with the pastor. We did some marriage counseling, and we were like, ah, we don't need this. We're so in love, we don't need this. Oh my God, let me just tell you something. I wished I read these books before I ever got married, and I wished we did this exercise together because we probably wouldn't have gotten married. Now, I'm grateful we got married, two beautiful children. Sadly, one of them is in heaven. Last night, I had dinner with one of Connor's best friends. And in fact, this is Connor's best friend who got a tattoo on his arm with Connor's name and his years of 1999 to 2018. And we went out to dinner, and I went to his car. I went to his car, and I sat in his truck, and I sat in his truck for a moment while we talked, and I noticed on his, I'm sharing something personal here, but I noticed on his dashboard, I'm gonna show you this picture. I don't know if you guys can see that, but do you see that little card in the left corner of his steering wheel? That's a picture of Connor. It actually was from the memorial, or from the funeral. And I broke down in tears. It was so loving to see that. I know I'm going off on a total tangent, but the minute I brought up my son, it made me think of this, and I was just feeling this overwhelming sense of appreciation for my son's best friend, who had still a picture of him right there that he sees every day, because the hardest thing in any parent's life is to lose a child. And while we've all suffered in some way, shape, or form, we might've lost loved ones, whether it's a parent or a spouse or friends. Losing a child is uniquely unbearable because it goes against the natural order of things. So thank you for allowing me to share. I just had to get that off my chest. Thank you. Okay, where was I? Allie, or ALA, ALA. I don't know how to pronounce it. Can men keep women in the friend zone even if they have attraction feelings towards them without admitting their feelings, even if they feel it in their gut? Yes, men will keep women at a distance that they might like and they might be attracted to because these men aren't ready to either go the distance with this woman, either it's they're incapable of going the distance or they don't want to go the distance, but that doesn't mean that we may not show care. That doesn't mean we may not want to be physically intimate with them, but ultimately men who want to go the distance are very intentional and deliberate. They do these 10 things I talked about here. That's how men show up. So yes, a man will keep a woman at distance, but that's merely because he enjoys her company but isn't gonna go the distance with her. That's why we keep distance because we won't go the distance. I hope that helps. All right. Oh, Nicole writes, I almost done with how to be an adult in relationship. Yes, a great book, great book, great book along with getting the love you want and attached. I'm so happy to read that. All right, let's see what other questions we have. Please forgive me, my misspelling question. Drinking and in a hurry. Hey, you're drinking. Hey, so am I. All right, so what other questions do we have? I think Doug is on here. Where's Doug? Well, we'll get to Doug in a second. Mary, how long do you wait before introducing kids? Been dating over a year and I'm ready for this step. His parents divorced. I think that's where his hesitancy comes from. First off, I have a rule of thumb. If the penis goes into the vagina on a regular basis, but then this person is part of your life and you're exploring, I'd like to think you're exploring the idea of a fully committed relationship leading to partnership. So I wouldn't wait a year to introduce my children. I would say certainly after about three months, no more than six months of regular, if you're spending regular time together, doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with friends, going out, traveling and having regular sex, then I would introduce them somewhere between the three and six month mark. So go ahead and introduce your kids. Now, here's the thing. There's never a guarantee that when you introduce your children that this person is gonna go the distance. You could wait until you got married, but let me just tell you something. A children are a critical part of your life. So I think the sooner you meet someone's children, the better, not waiting because you're trying to protect the children. Children are absolutely very familiar and comfortable with divorce. This generation of children is the byproduct of incessant divorce. They're used to it. Their friends are all divorced, okay? So it's, and their friends, moms and dads are dating other people. So guess what? This is part of their growing up as well. So don't try to protect your children from anything. You don't need to. Your children are actually very resilient, believe it or not. Now, if you introduce a bad partner to your relationship, that's not a good thing. I don't believe in that. But if you've invested in a year, hopefully that's not a bad person in your life. So I hope that helps, Mary. All right, let's keep going. Joe, Hannah, we know each other for six months. We're talking every day since the first day, but we, the first day, we have perfect chemistry. We are ideals in every aspect. We have great trusting issues, although we are 100% honest. So people with trust issues can be very problematic to date and be in relationship with. I can say whether it's a man or woman, if you have an inherent trust issues, it is going to sabotage your relationship. So my first suggestion is you're obviously, you're aware you have trust issues. Get to the root of what the trust issues are and heal those issues so you don't have to bring those trust issues into a relationship. I dated a woman with trust issues. I'm the worst person to date if you have trust issues because what do I do for a living? I talk to women all day long. And if someone can't accept or appreciate that, I'm not cheating or I'm not doing anything, but if you're creating problems out of nothing, I don't wanna be with that person. And so two people with trust issues, that's like beating your heads up against the wall. Work on your issues on your own time. Don't bring your trust issues to the relationship. Work on it in your own time. That's my suggestion anyway. Okay, Shannon writes, older men, question. Older men, I have noticed have a better chance of being raised more normally. What do you think about the changing demographic of the way people are raised affecting the ability to relate? You know what, I don't know. There's my son, 24 years old. He's probably the most mature male I've ever met in my life. He's young, he's probably, now I'm gonna take a little props for that. I'm gonna give his prop, definitely give a lot of props to his mom, but I mean, listen, I don't care what age you are, people are fucked up. People are fucked up. We've got issues and it requires doing work on your issues. This is why I am a big proponent of reading the book, the Hoffman process to heal childhood wounds and traumas that affect how we act in relationship. I don't care if you're 72 years old, 62 years old, 52 years old, 42 years old, 32 years old or 24 years old. We all have shit that needs to be worked on. And again, coming back to being a grownup in relationship, work on your stuff. It's not based on how old they are, it's based on their traumas that happen in childhood. All right, Doug writes, I totally agree about the interrogation. If two people have different versions about what they see their life going and you don't find out you have vastly different versions until later, time wasted, exactly. I wanna promote interrogate people. Now I'm saying this with a lot of tongue in cheek, okay? But what I really mean is ask good questions. In fact, ask these questions, come up with your five most important must haves and ask this before the first date. Ask it before the first date. Figure out what that is for you and ask it because it can be very problematic to just, oh, we're just having a good time. We're just having a good time. I'm just gonna sit in my feminine energy and lean back and have a good time because it's all about having a good time. We're just gonna have a good time. And then two weeks, three weeks, four weeks and then you find yourself out to be in a nightmare because you're attached to a person that you're trying to reconcile all the things you don't like about them right now that you could have found out before the first date or certainly you could have found out before the penis goes inside the vagina. All right, that's my thanks, Doug, I appreciate that. By the way, ladies, Doug is a single man. Hit up on him, he's a class act. Okay, Kathy, mating and captivity versus getting the love you want when it comes to asking the right questions and dating. Well, hire me if you wanna ask the right questions and dating, every book I recommend, you should, by the way, every book you should be reading, it's not one versus the other. However, if you wanna get the best book for asking the right questions, Candy, everybody, this book, Barbara DeAngelis, are you the one for me, knowing who's right and avoiding who's wrong? Look how fucking thick this book is. This is the best book for interrogating someone. Let's pick, let's open up a chapter. Let's just pick a chapter. Okay, chapter one, love is not enough. Chapter two, why we choose the people we love. This goes back to the books attached and getting the love you want. The 10 types of relationships that don't work, fatal flaws, compatibility, time bombs, six qualities to look for in a mate. This is by far the best book. And then when you couple it with my private coaching program, working with me personally, it actually becomes individualized for you. My clients all get a copy of this book. It's one of the books I recommend, when most of my clients get a copy of this book, I recommend, by the way, my nose is itchy. You would think I was doing cocaine, and I'm not. Anyway, yes, that's a great question to ask. All right, look at Julie, Doug agreed with you. A friend said, a friend in a said they are encouraged to not date until after their one year check. That's an interesting, I hadn't heard of that, but that might be something worth exploring. Mindy, why do emotionally unavailable men go on dating sites if they don't want a relationship? Then why? This is a great question, Mindy, because human beings want connection and we want sex. Okay, so we want connection, we want sex. Men and women alike. So this is very common. Why did they do it? Because they want connection and sex. But now they have a misguided belief that they're capable of being in a relationship. And I say this because for a decade, I thought I was capable of being a relationship and I wasn't capable of it. Wasn't even capable of it before I got married, even though I made the commitment to get married. I wasn't really capable of being in a relationship because I didn't study the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. Ladies, before the penis gets to regularly go inside the vagina, buy this book and read it together. Oh, you wanna hear something fascinating? So, I have a client who went through my boot camp, my six-week boot camp, and she's now in a relationship with a guy. And they're having some challenges. So what she did is give him some of the assignments that we did together and I'm actually now gonna be coaching him. This is, by the way, you all know I'm your big brother. My job is to be there on the first date with the shotgun and go, what's your intentions with my sister? Well, that's what I'm doing for this client. I'm actually getting on the phone with her boyfriend based on my questionnaire and I'm vetting him on her behalf, but I'm also gonna be hearing from him on what his issues are, maybe with her. And when I say issues by things that they could work on together and I'm gonna be a mediator and I love being in that space. So, people who want connection and companionship aren't capable of being in a relationship. People who are intentional and do the work to read these books, you have a greater chance for success. This is why so many of you now are introducing the book Eight Dates to Every Guy You're Dating and you're having great experiences. By the way, I'm getting comment after comment after comment after comment of how this approach is working wonders for so many of you and that's my invitation for you going forward is start to be intentional about the dating process. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please hit that like button. Okay, Doug writes, not single since your help on Wednesday night. I'm engaged, I'm kidding. By the way, I was pimping this guy, Doug. I wish more guys would show up to my live streams but I'm really grateful for Doug. I'm grateful for all of you that come on. It is an absolute joy and pleasure to be able to share with you. I'm gonna really quickly repeat the 10 things before we wrap up today. So the 10 things a man will do only if he really loves you. I started by saying dating sucks, I get it. But here's what men do. He'll want to show you off to his family after he's introduced you to his friends. He'll want to protect you and help you feel safe. He's attracted to you even in the early morning without makeup. He wants to spend as much time with you as possible. He might be a little territorial or jealous. He understands the value of compromise, meaning trade-off. He appreciates your advice and he'll seek it out. He will really listen to you and remembers the little things. He treats you with respect, he sees your point of view. He includes you in his future plans and I told you there was a bonus one and now is the bonus one. He cares about your needs. He cares about your needs. If you heard the earlier parts, I want to share with you a story because a man who truly loves you, cares about your needs. So I have a quick story to share with you. I shared before about the woman who had that pint of bottled water. That was me just remembering the little things. But I want to lean into a story that a relationship I was in some years back and she had two big golden retrievers. And the dog food, so she'd go to the pet store to get dog food and these are 50-pound bags of dog food. I mean, dog food, it's very heavy. Was heavy for her to carry. So I noticed this was a challenge for her after our first or second date when I visited her that after about a month of dating when we were in a solid relationship, I used to go to the pet store with her to help carry the food for her so it wasn't all on her. And then I would put it in the canister in her home because that show, I wanted her life, I knew this would be important for her. I cared about her feelings, I leaned into that. And eventually I would drive to the store without even her asking. I'd go buy the dog food for her to make her life simpler. That's a person that genuinely loves you and cares about you. He wants to make, he cares about your feelings, he cares about your wellbeing, and he's thinking ahead. And when a man is thinking about your feelings and wants to make your life simpler, that's a great sign that he genuinely loves you. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please hit that thumbs up button, let me know. All right, I think this would be a great time to wrap up for today. Everybody, I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to share with you. This is my true joy. If you find value in my work, check out the links below to a free discovery call to my membership group called Midlife Love Mastery where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis to my podcast called the what would love to do podcast or the books, my book, or the books I recommend, it's all listed in the description below, click those links. All right, everyone, thank you again so much. I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic shot than bear a hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to a pet or a friend, a pet, a teddy bear or a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.