 Okay. In an effort to offer unique content and first off, what I want to say to my audience is I'm by no means the expert when it comes to human behavior. I oftentimes recommend books and certainly recommend people. And today I want to recommend someone in the area of addiction because I think one of the fundamental challenges in relationship centers around addiction, whether it's drug addiction, whether it's alcohol addiction, whether it's porn addiction, particularly for men. So I want to lean into this conversation. I brought a dear friend of mine, Marybeth. Actually, I just realized I don't know how to pronounce your last name. Shrutter. Yeah, you can call me by my last name. No, I don't. Anyways, welcome to our interview today. Thank you. Thanks for inviting me. Yeah. Well, I hope that this is an interesting conversation. So I like to, rather than giving a big explanation about who you are, I just want to share with our group, like your five second elevator speech. And Marybeth teaches people how to heal themselves energetically using the law of attraction techniques and subconscious reprogramming in order to break addictions to toxic substances, behaviors and relationships. You got it. So can you give us like another minute to expand upon that? So basically, I, yeah, I was addicted myself to alcohol and toxic relationships. So I've been there and then I got the, I healed myself and got the education. And so I was like, I'm gonna, I wanted to really, once you heal yourself, you want to reach out and help other people. It's just a natural thing that we want to do. So I got the education to do that along with my life experience. So that's what I'm doing. Well, it's interesting because I myself, after my divorce, I'll be candid with my audience. I went through a period where I was quite, I was self medicating with cocaine to just get through the day because if not only did I go through a divorce, I've lost my quarter million dollar a year job. And in that, I would drink, I would drink the cocaine allowed me to drink more. So I wasn't getting drunk. The cocaine allowed me to drink more. But I was a functioning, you know, dysfunctional human being for quite some time. And quite frankly, dating was the other drug of choice. In other words, internet dating was my drug of choice to connect with people. And I suspect I'm not alone with that. So first off, let's talk about that for a second, particularly men who use drugs and alcohol, for example, and who are actively in the dating marketplace. I'd like to hear your thoughts on that. Well, men are more vulnerable, usually, especially after a divorce. Like you said, that's when you're started. And by the way, I was very functional, too. I was running two businesses. I really didn't even know I had an addiction till I started learning about addiction. I think that's the case for most people. But yeah, men are more vulnerable for a lot of reasons. After a divorce, especially because men don't tend to, well, we've got toxic masculinity, of course, where men, that society has a construct where men aren't allowed to show feelings or stuff them down. And after you get divorced, you don't have your spouse. Usually your spouse is that one person you can talk to. And because men don't necessarily talk to other men like women would connect. So we almost use our girlfriends as therapists, but you guys don't have that. So that makes you more vulnerable, especially after a divorce, because you don't have your spouse anymore. So you want to numb those feelings. I want to jump in for a second, because for those who follow my channel know I lost a child five years ago. And I bring this up because right after my son passed away, two of my dearest friends and I went out to dinner. It was my birthday, actually, the year after. And during that dinner was the first time we ever, and I've known these guys for 30 years, ever discussed deep emotions, particularly because of the trigger of losing my son. And I thought to myself, I never really had real deep connections with men in my life throughout my life. Now, let me just say this, all that drug and alcohol use that I had in my early stage of dating, women were my de facto therapist talking on the dating apps, talking on the dating sites, emailing, that sort of thing. This was before apps, I should say this was the dating site. So women became my de facto therapist during that time. And I see this as a habitual pattern. And I'd like to hear your thoughts on that as well. Absolutely. And I've heard you say this on your videos is that a lot of people who are, you know, haven't healed yet that what they're going to do is they're going to go on these dates and use their date as their therapist. And, you know, that should be a red flag for both sides, not only women, but also for men, like if you're talking, if you're on a date, especially a first date, and they're telling you all of their trauma and drama, and you could tell they haven't healed yet, they're calling their ex crazy, they don't have compassion for their ex. You know, that is a huge red flag that they, you know, we all go through that. I think like, I'm sure that I did that when I was going through my divorce. You know, we, we all want that to get those feelings out and that's okay. But that's not good for in the beginning of a relationship, because that just is an indicator that you need more time to heal before you get into a relationship. You don't want to use your date as your therapist, in other words. But I think this is happening on a subconscious level. I mean, I don't think men are intentionally doing this. I think what men appreciate is female energy because we're so reluctant to talk to our male friends. So this is one of the, like I say, one of the major challenges with, you know, dating, it's not an online dating issue, although online dating gives us access to people oftentimes access to a plethora of people. But we were talking about, for example, just before we got started, we were talking about how to recognize people with addictions like alcohol, drugs, or maybe, and I definitely want to lean into porn addiction in a moment. So you were sharing with me a couple of ways to kind of evaluate someone in those early stages of dating. Can you lean into that? Well, just really, you know, it's a lot of it's just paying attention, like let's, let's talk about alcohol. So I'm going to go ahead and say this challenge to anyone listening, whether it's a female or a male, challenge yourself to stay sober on a first date, because you're going to like, I know it's hard because we all I'm going to share why I laughed in a moment. Okay, do like, you know, because like I drank alcohol for 30 years. And so when I going on a date was one of my biggest challenges, because we all have like one of the huge reasons to drink right is social anxiety. And it's nice to relax and feel uninhibited on a date. You know, and I had it just takes practice, but I would just say like, go ahead and try it, just try it once, try to go on a date sober. And you're going to really notice like, you know, there's good, well, I have a theory, Jonathan, that I think there'd be a lot less sex on first dates if people. There's no doubt about that. Because you don't have that cloud of judgment that you have when drinking is involved, you know, everything gets a little bit blurry. And that's the type of drinker I was where I would just, I loved everybody, you know, like I would get I was a happy drinker, you know, and I would just think everybody was so great. And it's kind of sad because I think I led a lot of guys on that way to where they would think, Oh, we're a great match, but I really do love people. And, but it wouldn't really be a great match, but they would come off with that perception because I was, you know, drunk and so nice. And then I'm not saying I had sex with them, but even just kissing somebody that I normally wouldn't have even kissed at the end of the date just because I had a buzz, right? And then the next day having to, you know, they're all excited and I'm not excited, you know, so just if I was sober to begin with that wouldn't have happened, right? No, and I'm in full agreement of this. And yet here I'm about to share something publicly because on my first date with Marie, and it wasn't really a first date because we were two, I felt like it was more like two friends meeting and then it turned into something romantic. However, I had just gotten off an airplane, I just traveled to the hotel and then I met her at the restaurant, which I should say bar restaurant. And the first thing I had was a cocktail and I kind of went through it rather quickly because I was just, you know, I'd been traveling inside. So by the time we ordered some food, I had a glass of wine and we were having such a good time that the evening lasted for six, seven hours. And in that I had a third drink and then I had a nightcap. And what's interesting is she, by the way, if anyone who knows me, I'm pretty, I limit myself to two drinks always when I'm with my circle of friends. And she's commented on that. Like, that was a little bit of a red flag for her because I was just having such a good time. It was more like it was a social thing for me, but it was also to kind of, I was nervous because I liked this person. So there was a dance between, you know, am I an alcoholic and was this a red flag or is it, you know, I was just having a good time. Well, when I drank, you know, alcohol, I only wanted to date other people who drink alcohol. Like that would have been green flag for me. Like, yes, this guy can party with me, right. But, you know, and now I still will date a guy who drinks like I'm not like, oh my gosh, you know, but it just, for me, I just, with the law of attraction that I teach and all that stuff, like I know nothing's more important than the way you feel. And I just, for me personally, it lowered my vibration and I didn't, I just, that's why I quit. Like nothing bad happened. I didn't have a rock bottom. You don't have to have a rock bottom to, to quit a bad habit. You know, like I just wanted to feel my best. So basically, but so I did a funny, sorry, I was dating a guy a year or so ago and he was like telling me he didn't have any problem drinking. And I was like, cool, you know, he's like, I hardly ever drink, but kind of like what Marie did with you, like I'm noticing because only because he said that too, like he had like two to three drinks every time we were together, which was most days. And I'm like, well, and then he would, he would say like, Oh, I hate beer, but we were at a, a, you know, a place that only is what a brewery. I couldn't remember. And he was like, I hate beer as he's ordering beer. And I'm like, okay, so you're sure you don't. So I just think sometimes I don't know that he was lying. I just think he wasn't self aware enough to realize, like if you need three drinks every time you go out, maybe you do have a little bit of a habit that bordering on addiction. But that was over three months period where I didn't see him not have at least three drinks every time I was with him. Let me ask you something. So, you know, our topic is called 99% of men won't love you if they do this and what we're talking about is having addiction. And, and while that's kind of an obvious statement, I'm curious, has there been any studies to determine how many people, particularly in the single marketplace, have a drug, alcohol or porn addiction? Do you actually, do you, and I'm just throwing out there if there is any statistics, you know what, I've seen several statistics, but they're all over the place. So I would, I would talk to you more about personal experience and just in society, like it is glorified, right? Alcohol is glorified. You're actually the weirdo if you don't drink, right? You're like, it's like, I'm the weird, I'm the oddball now, right? And I actually have had great conversations with men that I met on dating apps. And then the, as soon as I, they're like, let's meet for a drink. And I will tell them before because, well, I'll meet you for coffee or, you know, or you can have a drink, but I'm, I'm not gonna, I don't drink alcohol just so you know, ghost to me. I've been ghosted over that several times, which is good. That's great to know in the beginning, right? We want to be ourselves from the get-go. So we're not wasting each other's time. By the way, I'm going to confess though, I probably have, have swiped the other way, if you will, if I saw no alcohol and, and it's not because, well, there's a couple things, you know, and this is a judgment on my part. You know, I'd be wondering if they're recovering alcoholic and if there's any problems that come with that. So, and again, that's a judgment on my part. And I own that. And that's not really a, a good, you know, quality within me. The other thing was I wanted someone to drink to socialize with me. The irony is, in my relationship, we barely drink, you know, I mean, we, we, if, if lucky, we have a drink once a week kind of thing. So there's this kind of duality going on. There's the judgment someone might have an addiction. And by the way, women can think the same about men. I used to think that I wouldn't be a guy who, who didn't drink at all. And, you know, I didn't drink a huge amount. I'm five foot tall. I'm a tiny person. It didn't take much for me to get a nice buzz. So that's another thing. Like I could get drunk off of two drinks and you're, that's your limit. I'm like hammered off of two drinks. So I think, you know, just to sort out and case anybody has this idea of, you know, how much I drank, you know, it's just, you know, we all have a different tolerance level. And it's actually, I'm not saying like alcohol is bad for everyone. It's an individual decision we need to make on our own. And the definition of addiction is actually, if it's having a negative effect on your life. I mean, Jonathan, the way you're talking, it's not doesn't sound like you even, it's not having a negative effect, maybe in the past when you were going through divorce. No, significantly. And I'll be candid with you, you know, and I say this to my audience, I was a walking train wreck. I was a functional, you know, drug and alcohol addict to the, not addict to the extent of dependency. Well, I was dependent because I was miserable. When I healed the miserable part, I was no longer dependent upon drugs and alcohol to get through the day. So, so I want to share with you a client of mine who had met a man actually their first date was a picnic. Oh, this was during COVID. And they had a really great time. And the second time was a picnic. And the third time came to his home. They had a couple drinks. It wasn't a big deal. They began a relationship with each other. And it turns out, and I don't know if this was predicated on COVID. However, this is a man that had a very intense professional life. And then he would drink basically till he passed out in the evening. And that's a little exaggeration. You know, how could she have predicted that sooner rather than later? What are your thoughts on that? Well, it's tricky because people are really good at hiding it. I definitely would, like I would have a glass of wine usually while I was getting ready before I go on a date. I didn't like share that with people. You know, you hide it so well. That guy that I mentioned earlier, he came over one time with like a water bottle, but I could smell it was vodka. Oh, okay. Yeah. So I mean, people are only going to let you know what they want you to know. Like, if they don't want you to know how much, you just kind of find out the hard way usually, to be honest with you, because alcoholics, I mean, people who are true alcoholics, you're not going to see it. You know, I have so many examples of clients and friends who even married someone and didn't see it until too late. You know, too late, like they're already deep in this relationship or in a marriage. And they're, you know, the next thing I know they're drinking, you know, two bottles of wine every night. The big ones, you know, what are those called, the magnums? Okay, that's a lot. That's a lot. I would die. Like, I'd be dead. What would you do if you're a man or woman and you're in relationship with someone who is effectively a functioning alcoholic or, or drug use? Or, and again, I want to talk about porn in a minute, too. How would you address that? Well, nobody ever is going to change unless they want to change. So, of course, you have to bring it up and your delivery can't be accusatory or negative or condescending because what does that do to people? It shuts them down and they're going to get straight into defense mode. They are not going to hear you. So it has to be a good, you know, of can work come from a place of concern and like an adult discussion, no nagging. Either way, you know, it's just, it's just has to really be from a place of concern. You bring it up. They're probably going to deny it. Denial is one of the, denial is one of the signs, by the way. You know, we, we always say, no, and, you know, I'm, we, we all think we are better and funnier and all those things when we drink and, you know, it's, well, do you think, I mean, right? Better. So one of the things I talk about frequently is self-love. And when I talk about self-love, I'm talking about self-respect, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance. You know, if I saw someone, and it's difficult for me to judge, but if I felt that there was a misalignment in our way of view, you know, misalignment when it came to drugs, alcohol, or, you know, we'll talk about porn as well. That's grounds for a breakup in my world. You know, that's- In my world too, these days. And, you know, but these days, well, that's because you and I have both done a lot of personal development and self, self-work. We have done a lot of growing and healing and, and a lot of people haven't. So I used to tolerate a lot more than I would tolerate now. My standards are higher. And now I understand about, like, we, you know, we have to have a similar lifestyle. We have to both be open. We have to have the same values. We have to have this, you know, we have the expectations that we didn't used to have because we understand in the long run, things just simply aren't going to be in alignment. Like you said, we have to have the similar lifestyles. And I think that's a deal breaker for a lot of people. If one of them likes to party and stay out till 2 a.m. and then you're a homebody, like that's not going to work. It's just like temporarily when you're in the beginning and you're in that limerence phase and you've got that chemical haze, right? Sure. You're going to be like, oh, we can make it work. And then it's okay. But then that, that- Yeah, because magic fairy dust always works, you know? That's right. So, yeah, I mean, and we can trick ourselves, you know, when the hormones are racing and think that it's something that we could tolerate. But at the end of the day, it's going to, it's going to show up later when you have different values and lifestyles. It just will. Okay, so let's jump into another topic because my audience is women. We like to talk about men. Let's talk about porn addiction because I have a feeling that is a significant problem for a significant number of men. And I do believe that that bleeds into a healthy, you know, sexual relationship with a partner. So I'd love to hear your thoughts on porn addiction, particularly with men. Well, I have a lot of thoughts on this. I do have clients who are sex addicts. That's one of the things I work with. And they're very open about it. And it is a huge addiction. And it does mess up with, if it's an addiction. Now, let's say you're with a partner and she's into it as much as you are, then that's not negatively affecting your relationship. No one's judging, by the way. Johnathan and I aren't judging anyone who's into porn. Hey, Marie and I watch porn once, you know, since we've been together. And we're like, nah, this isn't for us. Okay, yeah. And that's my point. If it's having a negative effect on your relationship, that's when we call it an addiction. If it's not, it's something else. It's just a hobby. I don't know if it's a hobby is the right word. But yeah, so basically, if it does mess up intimacy, because if you're, you're not present when you're always like, you know, watching porn or fantasizing or thinking, you know, about other women or ladies, if you're having like emotional affairs, like, you know, I'm not talking about physical, I'm talking about if you're fantasizing about other men, you're not being present for your man. And men, when they're fantasizing about other women, they're not there for their relationship. It messes up the intimacy. So it just does. By the way, someone just posted a comment. I'm gonna, because this was really good. Can you see it, Mary Beth? Do you consider porn and sex addiction two sides of the same coin? I definitely think they're related and one can lead to another. There's that, you know, that slippery slope of temptation, like when you start watching porn, and then things start to seem okay that maybe you would have, you know, bought that before. And I do think there's a slippery slope where you might just be watching porn and then your values can, things get, can blurry, things can get blurry. Like, I mean, it all depends on the couple too. Like I've literally known swinger couples and they have rules, they have rules. So it's like, I've seen swingers get divorced because one of the couples broke a rule. Like, okay, you were only allowed to be with that woman if I was there too, you know, and then they get divorced over, you know, a swinger and they had an open relationship. So, you know, it's, it's what are the rules of your relationship individually? But these are, but when we think of addictions, you know, whether it's porn or sex in particular, and I should have mentioned that in the beginning when I said drugs, alcohol and porn, I should have said, I added sex in there, is these are things that are oftentimes hidden, especially when we consider, you know, heterosexual relationships that tend to be vanilla unlike swingers and such like that. You know, these are things that can directly affect your relationship. So, laid it downstream. So, like, how do you vet for that? You know, I'm a big proponent of vetting people, you know, before you give your heart to someone, how do you think you could vet for that? Or is it even possible? I mean, it's possible to ask all the right questions, but what we, we can get fooled sometimes, right? Yeah. Since I'm huge on energy, I'm all about, you know, go by the way you feel. Your intuition will tell you a lot. I've definitely screwed myself over by not listening to my intuition. Yeah. And every time it's been right, every time. And then I'll, you know, you could like someone and just be really, sometimes when you have that, tell me if you agree with us, Jonathan, if you have that really strong chemical, you know, attraction to someone, sometimes that could be a red flag because it's a familiar thing, like, you know, that toxic, you know, feeling is, you could have really strong chemistry and that not, that doesn't necessarily mean this is the one. It could actually be a warning because we are attracted to what is familiar. But if we're familiar to toxic, more toxic type relationships, we're going to be turned on by that, you know, by that person who might be more toxic for us. Yeah. And I think when we talk about this particular top toxic, it's not that someone is behaving badly towards you, it's that you choose people that aren't really aligned for yourself. I love Marianne Williamson and I'm sure you know Marianne Williamson in her book Return to Love. I was listening to the audio portion of the book and there's a, there's a segment where she talks about, you know, that, that the love bombing phase of a relationship, that luster limerence phase. And she turns to her audience and says, if you have strong chemistry, such strong, you know, sexual chemistry with someone on a first date, what's the first thing you should do? And her entire audience is silent for about two seconds. And then they all scream at the same time, pray. And the point being is, you know, like pray on this, in other words, really go inward and say, is this really right for me? If my pattern is to have this happen, and then it doesn't work out over and over again, well, what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing and expecting different results? So interestingly enough, in my relationship with Marie, we had, we had nice chemistry with one another. It didn't feel over the top, but it certainly was enough electricity to where we felt engaged with one another. And if I now compare that to those experiences where I just came on so strong in the beginning, it was because I was feeling luster limerence. And so, and then I'd use alcohol to get them to sleep with me. And I say that tongue-in-cheek, but I, but there's some truth to that. In other words, if there was alcohol involved, and there was strong sexual chemistry, I did everything I could to convince this person to have sex with me, whether it was the first or second date. And interesting, I noticed a pattern. This happened in my first year after my divorce. And remember, I'm a train wreck. I'm doing a lot of drugs and alcohol. I'd meet someone. We'd have sex. And all of a sudden, I didn't like them. And now I don't want to say I dislike them, but I no longer like them to the degree that I had liked them at that moment. And what had occurred to me was the deception of chemistry. Chemistry is a very deceiving experience because it's merely just chemicals being released from your brain to say you like someone. And as soon as you had quenched that thirst, all of a sudden you're left with the reality. Do I really like this person? So why do I profess to everyone spend a hundred hours of face-to-face time before you give your heart? It's because you got to get through this threshold of the intense lust and limerence. And you said before you give your heart, but yeah, I'm glad you brought this up. Well, I say that versus your body because I don't want to say that sex on the first date is bad. But when you give your heart to someone you don't trust, that's a recipe for disaster. What I would like to encourage women, because I'm definitely not someone who's going to say that either, like, oh, you should never have sex on the first date because I know a lot of people feel like, well, I can do whatever men do and it's empowering. I would just encourage you to really analyze that. Do you really feel more powerful after having sex with a man on the first date? Is that real? Because I don't know that that would empower me. I've never done that for the record. I can't imagine that being a powerful feeling, though. Like, to me, what's more powerful would be if I wait for the right person and spend time to get to know somebody. Like, you say 100 hours of face-to-face time. It really does take a long time. And I was trying to think about what that would come up to in dating. 100 hours would be like, what, 17 to 20 dates, you know? Probably. Yeah. So nobody's doing that. Well, you know what's interesting. So I'm going to go off topic for a little bit, because I'm fascinated with the idea of dating in an incubator. And let me explain where I'm coming up with this. So if you think about shows like Love is Blind, Married at First Sight, some of these reality shows, one of the things they do is they put people in an incubator, if you will, where at first with Love is Blind, they don't physically see each other, but they build up all this tension between them over a 10-day period. And then after that, they go on a brief, they get engaged, you know, if they like each other and they go on a brief honeymoon for a week. And then they're in each other's, they share a home for eight weeks. Okay. So roughly in about a 10-week period, you're spending a lot of time with the person. Okay. Is that realistic? Probably not. However, you know very quickly if this person is truly compatible with you. The reality is, is our dating practice is such a long drawn out process that you could be with someone for years and never know who they really are. You're just getting the ambassador of this person's best self when you don't live with each other. So the incubator is to see each other as much as you can in a short period of time. So you can spot things like drug addiction, alcohol addiction, porn addiction, or sex addiction. Absolutely. It's hard to spot those things when it's on the peripheral, meaning you occasionally spend time with one another. Yeah. I just, I didn't really ask a question, but your thoughts on that? No, you're right. Like, and I love those shows, by the way, especially Love is Blind. That one is so fascinating to me. And we watch that stuff for research, right? We have to watch it. It's so fantastic. And a lot of times it's, it's, it does work out like I just watched the latest one actually. And you know, you see these, these couples and they have the chemistry and they don't have to question, was it based on only physical attraction? You know that Love is Blind is such a great show. Well, I think, well, I've got a couple of thoughts on this. And it's interesting because the last season was successful, meaning they had three marriages out of five. By the way, before I give my thoughts on Love is Blind, folks, if you have, if you're watching the live stream right now and you have a question for either one of us, write the word question, then post the question there after, or you could purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chats go to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's my son who passed away a few years ago. There's a picture of him right there behind me. In his honor, I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute. And actually, I'm also going to be donating to a cause for children in Columbia who have terminal disease and they're abandoned by their parents. So just a little FYI. So if you have a question, write the word question so we can start taking questions now. So Love is Blind, here's the thing. While they do in the pods, ask some deeper questions about relationships, I'm not witnessing the, you know, really what it is you want out of a relationship, talking about their how to blend lives together, those conversations aren't happening in the pods, and I wish they were, or maybe they are happening and we don't see it because it's not enough drama. Yeah, I think there's a lot of editing. Yeah. Yeah. So with that said, I'm a big proponent of in an incubator, ask all the real serious questions, because here's the thing for the women watching. Men who have a long-term mating strategy have no problem with serious questions. Absolutely. It's only the men who have a short-term mating strategy, men who have drug, alcohol, porn, or sex addiction. And you want those guys to go away. You want to, like who cares if, you know, if you want to tell them exactly who you are, what your standards are, and if the ones who are actually looking for a long-term relationship, they're going to stick around. And the other ones, they're going to go away and that's okay. It's, it's not personal. That's a gift. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So let's go back to porn addiction, because I know a lot of women experience this. How does a woman deal with that? I mean, how does a woman address that with a man, you know, especially when he's probably going to get defensive and deny it? It is tricky because a lot, well, a lot of times they're just caught, right? They're not like announcing, I'm watching porn every day. So really, it's just kind of like we were saying before is, like any other addiction, you don't want to shame, you don't want to shame the person, whether it's the male or female who's watching the porn and both do. You want to really communicate openly and not in a condescending manner at all, you know, because this is an addiction and you want to talk to them as your partner. Like, you know, is there, is there, is like, what can I do? Like, because maybe there's, there's a reason they're like, a lot of times when we're married, but children, we ignore our husband sometimes, you know, other things become more important. We got to admit that, you know, so maybe they're feeling neglected and unappreciated and, and it's their way of numbing out and then it can change, you know, like you can't. So you just brought up something that I didn't actually contemplate. So in those cases where there are married couples, when there isn't a healthy sex life happening, men oftentimes resort to fantasy world, fantasy world, which again, there's nothing wrong with that. At the same time, though, that can turn into an addiction. Yeah. When it just started off somewhat innocent. Exactly. Like maybe that same couple started out watching porn together, but then, you know, it's like a bad habit that gets out of control. So there's something I just occurred to me that isn't porn per se, but I think in borders on it is people that have Instagram accounts and that they have a plethora of, you know, scantly dressed, you know, partner, you know, whether it's a man or a woman, I don't care who's scantly dressed, but in other words, their Instagram is just filled with the opposite sex where it's just bathing suits and that sort of thing. I suspect that's just as equally, that's not porn addiction, but I do believe there's probably some addictive quality to having the belief that you have access to all of these people. Have you ever addressed that before? Yeah. And, you know, I've had female clients who have complained about that exact thing because it's hurtful. Let's admit it. And sometimes men, honestly, you have to, ladies, you have to, I'm not saying what's good for the goose is good for the gander, but you have to kind of have them see like, well, what would you have? What if I'm following all these hot guys and just drooling over them all the time and, you know, ignoring you and just in everyone on my Instagram account is, you know, buff, half-naked men. Like, do guys like that? Would you want Marie to have that going on? I mean, I was gonna say your wife, but I know she- No, no, I know. So, no, I wouldn't. I mean, I think it's interesting because I have a lot of female followers, you know, whether it's my YouTube channel. You have to. It's your job. Yeah. But I don't have, I'm not following, you know, women in bathing suits kind of thing. And if she did the same, I certainly would have a problem with that. I do believe that our relationship has been built on so much trust that if there was a backstory to it, I'm sure she'd have a good explanation for it. Really quickly, someone just posted a comment that I want to address. So, Mary Beth, Carrie says, dear John, you're not saying sex on the first date is bad, but it is if you are getting emotionally involved. I prefer you stick to your truth, get to know them before the penis goes inside the vagina. So I want to address something. I'm not here to say, judge, you know, if someone has sex on the first, I know couples who have had sex on the first date and they went on to get it. And they made it. Yeah, there's always exceptions. I might, however, my messaging is truly don't give your heart to someone or, and, or your body to someone you don't trust or you don't feel a sense of trust. This is why I encourage you. How can you trust anyone on the first date? Exactly. But again, I'm not judging that as good or bad. I know many couples who are successful in their relationship. However, the rule, the rule of thumb is, it's probably not a good idea. So I just want to address. That's why I said earlier is ask yourself, like really be honest. Is it really empowering? Like really analyze like why, what's the real reason you're doing it? Because I really, I think if, why lead with sex, why not get to know somebody, you know, I, Okay, we've got another question. Go ahead. Melody writes question. What is a good vetting question if either have an objectification issue? Interesting. Objectifying. So to determine if, so I think if I understand the question, you tell me if your interpretation, how to spot a person who would objectify another person. Is that okay? Okay. Well, I know personally, I've been out on dates where, like, how he interacts with the waitress, how he interacts with everybody, you know, I've literally seen, been on dates where first dates where the guy's like checking out, you know, women walking by up and down look like very obviously, to me, that's objectifying them. That's disrespecting me as well, because I'm your date and here you are like drooling over other women. And that's just not someone that I feel like is respectful of. Okay, they're drooling over. Well, I okay. So and I'm guilty of staring at attractive women. Okay, so let me just try to hide it. Yeah, well, Marie and I, but Marie and I will see even I'll say, look, look at that gorgeous guy. I mean, like we talked about it when we watched TV or whatnot. And I do the same. Now we have built trust with one another. And she recognizes that's not an objectification. I think there is certainly languaging that can be criticized, you know, like, you know, not predatory, predatory, but somewhat, you know, it's one thing to look at someone who's attractive. It's another if it's a habitual thing. I think that's where I see a difference. And by the way, men get objectified by women based on their bank account, if you will. So, you know, it's not like it isn't a one-sided type. Right. It's about how are you making the other person feel though. And like you just brought up, you had time to establish, you know, trust with each other. But on a first date, like that guy's not getting a second date with me. I'm sorry, like I already feel uncomfortable and it's just not to me, I have higher standards. We'll just put it up. Okay. All right, we've got another question. We're just going to rattle off the question. I just tuned in question, what do you do if my boyfriend lives far from me? So, we often enough, I prefer to meet once a week and I'm still waiting for him to move and get a job near me in the city. Well, I'm going to let you tackle that one. I have my opinions on that. So, basically the question is you're in a long distance relationship and you're- And she wants more time. Well, I mean, I don't really know how to answer that. If you want more time, I mean, if you're in a long distance relationship, that kind of is what goes along with being in a long distance relationship. Is it that he's not making time for you? Well, she says she's still waiting for him to move and get a job near in the city. So, my opinion is long distance relationship without definitive plans of taking this distance from long to short and having some milestones along the way is not a good move. Long distance, it's not even long distance relationship. It's long distance dating. Yeah. And now, and I'll use Marie and I, an example, I was very hesitant to even engage in a relationship with her because of the distance and when we did meet and we agreed to explore. We began a plan. So, by the time we were 45 days in, we already established, we had seen each other multiple times during that period of time and we established what this would look like and sure enough, a month later, we agreed that we would move in together, which was five months afterwards. Now, for a lot of people, that may not, that might be aggressive, I would say that. But the problem is if you don't spend a lot of, by the way, Marie and I got together in an incubator every single time. Her first visit was four days. The next visit was 12 days and I worked from home and the next visit was 18 days, which included a trip. You clocked a lot of hours. By the way, in a hundred days, we had actually clocked 45 days together, days and nights. That's more than most people do in six months of dating. Yeah. Exactly. I know people who will go out two to four times a month for a few hours. I don't believe we truly get to know a person through a long drawn out process. So, if this is a person, I would say that what I would do is find a way where you could spend a lot of time together in a short period of time. If you can work remotely, work remotely from their home for a couple of weeks and see if you actually get along with one another. Do a weekend trip. Oh my gosh. I learned so much about it. Weekends aren't enough. Yeah, but I've gone on weekend trips with a friend when it ended the relationship. Yeah. No, no, no. But I mean, I actually, I'm saying, I think 10 day trips and I know I'm sounding rather aggressive is because, you know, on a weekend, we can always show up as the ambassador of our best selves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What is Chris Rock say? But I'm saying 10 days, you're going to see who this person is. Okay. Let's keep going here. We have Charlene that wrote question. Why do men send nudes to you? We were never intimate. We met via Twitter six years ago. He was nice. I thought, but he started to all of this a sudden. Because he was horny. I mean, you know what? That's the obvious answer. It's like, look, he wants you to send a nude back. That's usually what he's trying to get something going there. So I don't know if you saw recently, I came across a video by Esther Perrell and she, there was an article in 2001, I believe, did them be, you know, in the middle of COVID talking about artificial intimacy. Okay. And basically these days, through our devices, people are connecting. It's, there's almost an addiction to the dopamine hit of that good morning tax and that mid morning text and that late morning text and that lunch. It's an addiction. It's validation, validation addiction. Yeah. And so people are creating what's known as artificial intimacy. And it's only, it's always the same conversation. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. And then all the flirting. There's no real, there's no real concrete conversations going on. So coming back to the nude pictures, you know, this is a six year Twitter relationship. I highly doubt they've met. So why did he do it? He was horny. Yeah. So what? I mean, yeah, you know, just if you don't want to reciprocate, you know, just, I mean, I would just let them know, like, hey, you know, I'm not cool. Yeah. I'm looking, I'm not looking for this. This isn't what I'm looking for. I'm not, I'm looking for something else. Okay. Carrie gave us a $5 or five pound super sticker. I just want to give her some props. Thanks so much. She goes on to ask a question says, love is blind. Please ask Mary, what questions she would ask. Okay, great. If you were in the love is blind incubator, if you were in the pot, what questions Mary Beth, would you be asking? I would ask everything about lifestyle. Like, because, you know, like, let's say that I, yeah, because I would like to live by an ocean and that is my future plan. So I would, I would need to know, like, is he willing to do that? Is he, what if he wants to live in the mountains? Right. You know, that's, you know, it's not going to work out. Like, if you start asking lifestyle questions, if, you know, like about drinking, I would ask of things like that. But that's just me. Anything that you value, you, you want to make sure that they have the same type of values. If you want to be with your family every Sunday, that's your tradition. Every Sunday, we're going to go and have dinner with my family. And he's like, uh, you know, that's, that's not your man. That's so ask questions about your values, lifestyle, um, what expectations do you have? Like, I don't know how old you are, but if you want kids and he doesn't want kids, that's not an alignment. So anything that's really important to you. Okay. So I have three pets. I get it. Like, not all guys are about pets, right? I got two cats and a dog. You know, I have to work. That's, well, number one, are they allergic? I've met some fantastic men, but they're allergic to cats. So it's a non-negotiable for me. You know, it's, and for them, for them too, like the deal breaker for them. Um, and I have a dog, you know, and then my, it's like, I got to make sure that I have an animal lover because they're not going to like me. Yeah. You know, I think we take a lot of things for granted. There's a lot of assumptions that if I, you know, if we love each other, you know, everything will magically align. And the reality is, is I'm, you know, I actually like the slogan that e-harmony used to have on their, on their commercials. It's a, when you take compatibility and ignite it with chemistry, you have a greater chance for success in compatibility, meaning alignment. We operate, you know, most Americans operate, well, if we have this great chemistry, we will squeeze into whatever box this person is, and we expect them to squeeze into whatever box we're in. And, and that's kind of a fallacy. And I, that's something I profess daily. So, um, let's keep going. We have a question from SS that says, a year and a half in, in person once or twice a month, when, went from dating to not looking for a relationship, but wants to be friends for life and sees what happens as younger kids end it. End it. That's my vote. Do you remember that video I sent you this morning about two people that want, or the, yes, it, that's exactly it. Like, you might, you might sharing that with our audience, the back and forth. Uh, do you remember it? Oh gosh, made them. Okay. Well, the way it worked out was this, this couple broke up and the woman says, I'd like to still be friends so you can continually validate me, you know, throughout the day. And whenever I have a problem, I can reach out to you and whenever I feel lonely, I can have you take me out to dinner with you. Yeah. But I don't want to be in relationship with you. And then it was the guy was, uh, you know, I want to remain friends so I can base, you know, I want to be, I don't mind being in the friend zone because I will stick around hoping you will change your mind and have sex with me. Okay. That's the gist of it. This kind of reminds me of that, you know, when you two people who aren't really actively on a, on an incubator basis, getting to know one another, this once or twice a month is just a bubble relationship at best. And quite frankly, it's most likely, and then you just want to remain friends. So it's going to turn into a friends with benefits relationship. Most likely this doesn't have the legs to succeed long-term. Do you agree? Yeah. And since I'm all of a law of attraction coach and talk about energy all the time, you know, this is, this is energetically blocking you from someone who could be a much better match, you know, like men, not just men, but people sense that people sense when you're not totally available energetically. And then another thing about the casual sex thing that, that something that I do, I want ladies look into this or in gentlemen, whoever's watching, you actually, there's an energy exchange when you have sex with someone. And so you really want to, you know, make sure that you are all in before you, before you go ahead and exchange energy, but just anyone that you get a stranger, because I know a lot of times and you, Jonathan, you tell me if you think this is true or not, but what I've noticed in my own life and what I've had a lot of my lady friends and clients mention is that something that we've noticed, we'll put it this way, is that men tend to, I don't know if it's necessarily always manipulative, but there's this thing where they want to make you feel really special, like you're different. And that's a way of getting laid, right? Like, and, you know, you, you tell the woman how special they are, they've never met anyone like them on the first date, you know, you're trying to make them feel like, Oh, this is different. This guy's different, you know, because he thinks I'm special. And finally, somebody who my soulmate or, you know, they'll use their soulmate, they'll use words twin flame, you know, I'm like, how come all these guys think I'm their twin flame? So I have a thought on this. So and only because I have said this, not once, not twice, probably 20 or 30 times 15 years since the my divorce. So first and foremost, when I'm experiencing lust or limerence with someone, and limerence is an extreme infatuation and lust is that chemical desire to have sex with them. All these chemicals are being released from my brain that says I like this person. So all of a sudden, and I went out with a woman the day before and I didn't like her, but I went out with you and I really like you. Okay. So in that, my languaging was you're different than the last 10 women I went out with. Yes. But you know, in them, in the moment, I don't know why you're different. I just know you feel different. Okay. So that's the first thing. Okay. The second thing is, I think there's, you know, there's a lot of, you talked about casual relationships. There's a lot of men that will lead with I'm not looking for a serious relationship. Okay. They'll lead with that. Okay. Now that's a man who has a short term mating strategy. And a lot of women will hear that and go, I'll be the one who changes them. And he said I was different. So because I'm different, even though he wants, you know, not something serious, I'll be the one to change them. I think women are addicted to that. Here's the really tricky one, Mary Beth. And I'd like to get your take on this because I think this is probably the most confusing phrase women hear. And that is the man says I want a relationship. Believe it or not, that is even more confusing than the person who says I'm not wanting a serious. Absolutely. And the reason being is we men know if we say we want a relationship, we have a greater chance of getting late. And you don't really want it, but not with her. Yeah, exactly. So that's the, that's the real question. So here's, but what always happens, you date the guy dates you, you have sex together, and then all of a sudden he says, I'm not looking for a serious relationship. Well, he's out of integrity with what he said. It's really for whatever reason, I don't like you anymore. So the question when a man says I want a relationship, this question begs deeper interrogation to the answer when a man says, I want a relationship. Okay. What does that look like for you? What does commitment look like for you? Can you describe how you operate in a relationship? That question alone requires deeper investigation than the guy who says, I just want something casual or I'm not looking for serious. Absolutely. You nailed it. Okay. I had a rant there. Let's keep going. You nailed it. Crystal writes question. The man I'm dating for six months, we've been talking, okay, for six months we have, we've been talking about the future. We live 40 minutes apart and I've considered moving closer. Is that okay? Would you do it? I definitely, well, I mean, Jonathan, how long were you and Marie together? You said five months before you started talking about moving closer. Actually, quite frankly, we talked about it. I mean, and this is not, I'm going to say we were on hyperdrive. Okay. Now I'm not endorsing this, but I'm not, you know, suggesting it doesn't work either. We, first off, because we knew each other for a year in advance, we already built up some familiarity. So when we actually met, it was like two friends meeting. We had done some deep unpacking during those conversations ahead of time. And then we did a deep unpacking when she came to visit me. So after that visit, we were saying if this is going to work, one of us would have to move. And I was very, I mean, I wasn't ready to leave my son. And she had two children who lived here. She had friends who lived here. So it made more sense. And she grew up in Los Angeles. Well, she wasn't even saying she was going to move in with him. She was just saying she was going to move closer. And it's only 40 minutes. I would say like, that's totally like, if you're feeling, if he's all about it, and you trust that he's actually committed to you, and you feel like, but you got to, when you do move, if you do make that decision, you got to be okay with it. If it doesn't work out, now you're 40 minutes away from wherever you, whatever it is for you now. You know, and, and maybe, you know, it might be that I move in with you for a month just to see what it looks like. That's a great idea. How about I move in with you for a month just to see how we get along in that month. That might be a way to test the waters. I have a client who their relationship after four months talked about moving in together and they're going to do it a year. They agreed it would be a year from the time they met because that's when his lease is up. In my particular case, we had talked about it. We talked about how long distance would work for six to seven months. And we're like, and then we just said, you know what, it's, it's going to get snowy in Chicago. Let's do it sooner rather than later. That's what happened with us. So in this particular case, at Crystal, I would do a trial run for 30 days. I love that idea. I agree with Jonathan. All right. We're going to take a few more questions. We have sunshine that writes four weeks into dating, live close to each other, both work till five PM. We've had six long calls, many texts meet, met, did two dates. Is this on track for long term? Only two dates in a month. I mean, I think like, like Jonathan said earlier, you want to schedule more face time because you really don't get to know somebody on phone calls and texting. So definitely get on track, get back on track by scheduling more face to face time with each other for sure. Yeah. And I want to just caution you, Sunshine, is artificial intimacy is built through text messaging and phone calls. That's not true. I mean, phone calls is better than text messaging. Let me just say that. But text messaging, especially incessant communication, creates this dopamine hit of validation and whatnot that Mary Beth and I talked about earlier. And I would just say be careful of that. I would say try to start seeing each other a couple times a week. That's a good average for the first six to 12 weeks of seeing each other at least a couple times a week. And that should give you enough time to get a sense of who this person is. And by the way, spend time in their home, spend time in their environment. That gives you a sense for who this person is because the reality is, is yes, we're meeting total strangers. How do we get to know someone spending a lot of time with them in a short period of time? And if you can't not drink every time you're together, then you really need to know. Oh, stop taking the fun out of it, Mary Beth. I know. All right. I just want to get the problem. You really get to know somebody that way when you're sober. I want to thank LB multi-time for the $6 super stickers. Thank you so much. You know, folks, I'm very grateful to have my friend Mary Beth talk about addiction. You know, we've talked about porn addiction. We talked about sex addiction. We talked about alcohol addiction. We talked about drug addiction. You're an expert in this area. So folks, if you need some support in this, there will be a link in the show notes to get to Mary Beth's website. I have it here. It is one day, wait, one day, day one life coaching.com, right? Yeah. D-A-Y-O-N-E. Here, let's write this here. Day one life coaching.com. It's in here, folks. And by the way, I'd like everyone to start following Mary Beth. You do have a YouTube channel, right? I've got it all. Yeah. I just started my YouTube channel. But I've got Instagram on TikTok. I'm on Facebook. Yeah. I'm all everywhere. By the way, she's on Instagram a lot. And why I say this is where we share videos that we watch these reels for one another or other people's reels to one other. And then we talk about it. Yeah. You have been a delightful person to allow me to bring into my audience. But more importantly, I appreciate your expertise. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart sharing your perspective on this. I hope we can do this again sometime later in the year. If you'd be up for that. And again, folks, I want you to go to day one life coaching here. I'm going to put it right on the screen. Day one life coaching. Do they spell it right? You sure do. Good job. And follow Mary Beth. Check her out. And if you need some support, please reach out to her. I make no money doing this. I just want you to get really good support. And Mary Beth is really good at what she does. And thank you, Jonathan. You're amazing. And I'm so appreciative that you invited me to chat with you today. Oh, well, thank you so much. Well, I want to end our interview, the way I do my videos. Can I give you a big gigantic Jotham Bear hug? Wait, do I get permission for the hug? I mean, I just, I asked first, okay, I just want to make sure I got consent. I know that Jonathan hugs. Okay. And I want it one back. So thank you so much. Yeah. Oh, you can see mine. Mine was down here. There we go. Folks, I hope you found value in this. Please post a comment below. Please share your thoughts. Please go check her out. And we're going to wrap up today. And I want to say goodbye to everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye. I want to thank Alexandra and Charlene and Wanda and Crystal and Carrie and SS and Anne and Roxy and Carrie and everyone who donated big hugs to you all. Thanks so much. Thank you.