 What greater love is there than a mother for their child? That feeling of safety, warmth, encouragement. Wait, are you wondering what we're talking about? Does it sound strange or unfamiliar to you? You are not imagining things. Despite the social and media insistence that parents always love their child and you owe your mother everything because no one loves you like her. Parents can be toxic to their children. It's not okay. And no one should be expected to put up with the abuse. Although both parents can be toxic, mothers tend to use emotional manipulations so the child grows to believe the abuse is normal, deserved or even required for them to grow up properly. Toxic mothers do it for control and to assuage their own shortcomings. Here at Psych2Go, we're going to uncover a few of those toxic bites and hopefully take away their teeth. Number one, I carried you for nine months. Toxic mothers phrase this as a you owe me statement. She's saying she suffered for you and gave you the great gift of life. So if you don't pay her back with total obedience, you're a bad child. And that's utter hug wash. This isn't like paying for lunch because they spotted you one a few weeks ago. This was a conscious choice that she made of her own free will. How could you possibly have had to say in your own conception? You did not choose to be born. It makes absolutely no sense that you would owe them regarding a decision they, the adult made before you existed. If you gave someone a ticket to an event they never mentioned and never wanted to go to, would you automatically think they now owe you premium concert merch? You are an individual with your own mind and their free will that comes with it. You are responsible for what you choose to do, not what they chose. Number two, you're too sensitive. Similarly, you might have heard, you can't take a joke or you're such a crybaby or even you're so weak. What does that even bother you? Sometimes people do get extra touchy but it's not constant. If this berating is constant, this could mean she's being dismissive of the child's feelings and invalidating them. It's also a form of gaslighting and the child is young. They've little to no frame of reference to step back and determine, is it really unreasonable to feel hurt by this? So when everything they feel is dismissed or reprimanded as too sensitive, they become conditioned to believe that their own wounds don't matter and that they're defective for being hurt by the abuse. This allows the toxic mother all the control. Number three, my child is smart but too lazy to try. We'll say this straight up. It is not normal nor healthy for mothers to insult their children. Maternal instinct should guide the mother to nurture the child's emotional health, not attempt its destruction. They might say you're feeding the child's determination to prove the parent wrong by doing well, preposterous. It's not normal parenting to drive a child to succeed through vengeance or humiliation. The insult and belittlement isn't even a true assessment of the child. It's from the mother's projection of her own perceived failures and her perception of the child, not as an individual, but a subservient extension of herself. If she did not achieve life satisfaction, it's abhorrent to her that the child might succeed at or even surpass her. Should the child show talent at something? It's crushed, being called stupid, nonsense, maybe wasteful. Should the child speak up, then they're derided, as prideful and shot down. This way, she will always be better and always be superior. Number four, you're my child and I have the right to... Since the child is dependent, the mother, of course, must take some control and guidance in order to teach and raise the child. What's toxic is when there is absolutely no lesson or life skill associated with the breach of trust or the demand. An involuntary room search and clean for reasons of health and safety is justifiable. When it's treated like a random prison cell, tossing to find reasons to criticize or extort the child, that's toxic. Implicit dominance is often wielded as justification. I, as a mother, overrule everything you say, and it's my house, so your room is actually mine. It's a way to humiliate the child and take away their individual rights as a person. Again, this is to keep the child in their control like a puppet rather than a human. Number six, why aren't you as good as this other child? Comparison can be a good thing and can so easily become a toxic thing. Toxic mothers use comparisons to break the child down, ensuring their subservience. The constant comparison is cramming the child into a box of unworthiness, a complete belief that they are not good enough as their own person. The instability the child feels has them desperately seeking an anchor, which the tox mom ensures she's right there to be. The child latches on, depending on her completely, and once again, she has total control. This control makes her feel superior, choosing to cope with her own insecurities by stepping on the child. Number seven, you're going to be seen like that? This can certainly be said in different ways to help the child know if what they're wearing really is inappropriate or unsafe, like wearing dirty jeans with a pajama top to an office job interview or wearing flip flops in the snow. But with toxic moms, it's not to help you. They undermine your self-confidence and enforce feelings of inadequacy and shame. Ever heard the phrase, a face only a mother could love? So what does the child think when even their mother dislikes their look? The child thinks they must be all wrong, a failure in a hopeless case. And that is not true. Everyone has something they dislike. Even the most popular celebrities have their share of haters. People have different tastes and different doesn't mean bad. Unless you are specifically trying to cultivate your appearance to a vision your mother has created, hey, if your mom's a fashion designer and you're into her spring line, no judgment here, take her comments with a grain of salt and do yourself up the way you like. And number eight, I don't know why I even bother with you. This is referring to the process of using shame as a tool to mold their child into a subservient. It's an oft-used tactic that flies under the radar due to popular parental usage. It's not the healthiest form of discipline, but it's toxically wrong if used when the child has done absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Consistent, undeserved shaming convinces the child that they are bad and effective at their very core. This leads them to expect that no one will ever care about them as they don't deserve it. However, the worst conclusion is that since toxic moms show some affection, their child clings to them, believing that the meager scraps of affection are treasured gifts. Looking at the future impact of these abusive phrases, this could lead to the child acting out, maybe becoming suicidal. Should the child, later in life, come to realize what the mother has been doing, this could also lead to a complete serving of the mother-child connection. None of these are happy results. All of them leave scars. Did you relate to these points? Let us know in the comments. If you believe you or someone else is in a toxic relation, just a reminder that there are mental health professionals available for advice and help. Let us know in the comments below what you think, and stay strong, stay true to yourself, and we'll see you next time.