 This episode was prerecorded as part of a live continuing education webinar. On-demand CEUs are still available for this presentation through All CEUs. Register at allceus.com slash counselor toolbox. Hi everybody, welcome to today's presentation on life skills. Over the next hour, we're just going to review some common life skills that clients need to have in order to be successful at being independent. The first thing we're going to talk about is communication skills. And with clients, we need to focus on the fact that there are multiple ways to communicate, written communication skills. Now, we don't write a lot anymore, but we also want to add to that digital communication skills. When you communicate via email with a supervisor, with a friend, etc., helping people, you know, read it, the email or the text document from that person's perspective so they can hear, if you will, when they're reading it, if something sounds a little bit snarky or unclear. So we want to help them be clear in their written communications. We want to make them aware of their nonverbals. A lot of people are not aware of their nonverbals and 80% of our communication is nonverbal. So we want to make sure that clients understand, you know, how they come off to people. And one way we can do this is by videotaping them during sessions or during role plays and then stopping. Another less intrusive way of doing it, if you will, and you might want to start out with this, is to look at a show like Dr. Phil or one of those where people may be having somewhat of a confrontational discussion. You can even look at some soap operas and things like that. But it's better if you can get something that's actually happening, not something actors are trying to portray. And look at the nonverbals. When the toes start to point out, when the person shifts their weight away from the speaker, when they quit making eye contact, or likewise, when they are making eye contact, you know, how do you identify when somebody is engaged in a conversation with you and how do you identify when you may be losing somebody, either because they're disinterested or they're getting agitated, etc. After people get used to picking up on nonverbal cues, it's important for them to start picking up on their own nonverbal cues. And like I said, the best way to do that is to have them videotape themselves or videotape during groups so you can watch the nonverbals. Not everybody is going to be comfortable with this. So you may need to kind of negotiate it. But you can also pick particular things that you see if you videotape your individual with a client, and you see that there are certain behaviors like crossing their arms or certain facial expressions that they give at certain points in time. Pick one of those and identify it for them and help them focus on that for a week. You know, maybe when they're talking to somebody doing something different with their hands instead of crossing them and being in a closed off position. Another thing you can do with nonverbals is, again, not just focus on the negative, but focus on the positive. So encourage them for a week to focus on making eye contact with people. Focus on smiling instead of just having the relaxed, my daughter calls it the relaxed bitch face. But you know, focus on smiling at people, making eye contact. When you're talking to people, focus on keeping your shoulders square with them, leaning in a little bit, the solar position that we all learned in introductory counseling, sitting, leaning forward, being open, being responsive, and having good eye contact. And finally is oral communication. And people, some people are better at speaking than other people. Some people get really nervous when they talk to other people. Some people have a stutter. It's a matter of helping people communicate as effectively as they can using their words and helping them get their point across. Some people will tend to kind of drag things out instead of getting to the point. And some people will just kind of jump in the middle of a thought and think that, well, of course, this person is going to understand because I know what I'm talking about. So we want to help people figure out, you know, how much information is enough, how much is too much in order to get your point across. And that will help people start communicating more effectively along with oral communication. And we're going to talk about this when we talk about criticism later. But if you're giving feedback to somebody or if you're talking to somebody about something, try to be objective and use eye statements. Instead of saying you're a slob or this house is a mess, that doesn't tell people anything because their definition of what's clean and your definition of what's clean may be very different. So identifying specific things that need to be cleaned or need to be done or need to be changed is a lot more effective than using generic terms. We need to spend quality time together. Well, what does that mean? You know, somebody can say, sure, let's spend quality time together. And you both may have two very different ideas of what that looks like. So be specific with what you're asking for. Even if you think it's painfully obvious, you know, give examples. So helping people be specific, helping people not call names. Instead of saying you are a slob, you can say, you know, it really bothers me when I come home and there's dishes all over the house. That's objective. That's not personally critical, so to speak. It's not criticizing the person. It's criticizing a behavior. So it's less likely to meet with resistance. So we want to focus on all those things. Effective communication. Again, how much is too much? How much is not enough using I statements and being objective instead of personally critical using examples so people really understand what you're trying to get across. Now, assertiveness goes along with communication. Aggressive communication says, my point is right. Your point is wrong. So you just need to shut up and listen. Passive communication says, your point is right. My feelings and points are irrelevant. So whatever will go with you. Neither one of those creates a win-win situation. Assertiveness says both of our points are equally valid. And let's take a look at that. We're both, you know, have a right to our opinions, our feelings and our thoughts. When we're assertive, we're open in expressing wishes, thoughts and feelings and encouraging others to do likewise. We don't just tell people what's going to happen. We solicit information. When we're being assertive, we try to understand the other points of view and respond appropriately, even if we don't agree with that person's point of view. Maybe you don't agree that it's not a big deal to have dishes all over the place or maybe you don't agree that the kitchen, the dishes in the sink can sit there overnight or, you know, whatever the case may be. But it's important to be able to hear people's point of view. If you're being assertive with a customer service manager, for example, instead of telling them that this is all wrong and yada, yada, yada. I mean, you can say what's wrong with the product. You can tell them what you hope to achieve or what you hope the resolution is. But you've also got to be willing to listen to their proposals for the solutions or their regulations. Maybe you have to have a receipt and that's just that store policy. If you want to override that, then maybe you need to go to a supervisor sitting there arguing with the person is not going to do any good because they can't override a store policy. So assertiveness recognizes that people are generally right in their own way if we can understand that perspective and it's a matter of trying to figure out how to create a win-win or, you know, the next step in order to achieve your goals. When we're assertive, we accept responsibilities and we're able to delegate to others. So, you know, when I used to run the residential facility, we used to have somebody who was in charge, somebody who lived on the unit who was in charge of chores and supervising and they would delegate the tasks to other house members in order to make sure that everything gets done because we can't do everything ourselves all the time. That's just not the way the world works. We need to be willing to accept responsibility and then ask people to do things. But in order to get those things done effectively, we need to be good communicators. We need to be able to orally communicate what exactly does it look like when the bathroom is clean. What exactly does it look like when the day room is clean and the chore is done. We need to regularly express appreciation of others for what they've done or are doing. Assertiveness means being willing to say, you're doing a great job or I wouldn't have thought of that. Not being in control, in power, the number one, the smartest all the time. Assertiveness means recognizing other people's strengths and abilities. It means being able to admit mistakes and apologize. That's one of the greatest things in assertiveness is being able to say, yeah, I really messed up. Instead of blaming other people or trying to hide it, an assertive person will say, I messed up. I remember when I was a beginning supervisor, I think I'd been a supervisor for about six months and I made a doozy of an error. And it wasn't anything that caused harm to clients or anything, but it was still a doozy of a procedural error. And I walked into my boss's office and evidently I had a look. My nonverbals were communicating, I did something wrong. And I walked into my boss's office, he's like, what did you do? And I told him, I owned up to it instead of trying to hide it or cover it up or whatever. I said, this is what happened. And he just kind of sat back in his chair and folded his hand over his stomach and he said, all right, how are you going to fix it? Assertiveness generally enhances trust because people know that you're going to admit mistakes. You're going to apologize when you're wrong. You're going to recognize when you do something wrong. And assertiveness also means being able to say, I don't know. That was another lesson that I learned when I was defending my dissertation. And thankfully somebody had told me that ahead of time that the professors on my board were going to ask me questions until they got to something that they didn't expect me to know to see if I was cognizant, to see if I was aware of not only what I did know, but what I didn't know, and if I was willing to admit that I didn't know everything. And, you know, they did and I was and it was all hunky-dory. But assertiveness again means being willing to say, I'm human. I'm fallible. I make mistakes and I don't know everything. Being assertive also means maintaining self-control. Sometimes things will really tick you off. But if you become aggressive, then you start taking other people's power away, telling them that they're wrong and you're right, getting in their physical space. And it becomes very adversarial. Poor communication happens at that point. If you can maintain control, take a breath and say, okay, it is what it is. Have some little thing that you say to yourself to help you kind of calm down. It is what it is, whatever. And you're not going to say it out loud. You're going to say it in your own head, but it can help you de-escalate a little bit. Sometimes you may just need to walk away for a minute, regroup and then come back. Because if you're angry, if you're fired up, you're in your emotional mind. You have adrenaline surging and you're not going to communicate effectively. And you're probably not going to be nearly as aware of the other person's verbals and nonverbals. You're only hearing what you're saying. So maintaining self-control is an important skill to learn. And this can be one that we help clients with in group. We can help them maintain control if they disagree with somebody's opinion. If they disagree with something you do. It's something we can help them with an individual. And it's something we can encourage them to focus on as a skill for the week. You know, when somebody ticks you off, whether it's online in social media, whether it's the news, whether it's whatever, how can you maintain self-control? I know my son, it's so cute. Ever since he was knee-high to a grasshopper, you know, he has been very opinionated. And he's had to work on that, but he'll hear something on the news and it will just get him fired up and he will kind of go on a tirade. And his sister's like, Sean, shut up. Nobody wants to hear that. But that's, you know, basically what people who are more polite may not say. That's what happens when you start getting aggressive or start going on a tirade. People tend to tune you out. So maintaining self-control and being able to take a breath and calmly articulate what the problem is and even decide, you know, sometimes some battles are not worth fighting. So being willing to go, you know, I've already said my piece on that. I'm not going to go down that road again. All of those fold into maintaining self-control. So this is an excellent group activity that you can give people scenarios and pair them up and have them sort of act out the scenario, things that would push their buttons and then practice maintaining self-control. And finally, assertiveness means behaving as equal to others, respecting that their opinions and needs are equally important to yours. I know I said that at the beginning, but I wanted to reiterate that. Other people's perspectives, whether it's political, whether it's financial, whether it has to do with an argument you're having or whatever it is, try to put yourself in their position and kind of understand where they might be coming from. Because they're likely not trying to be oppositional just to be mean to you. It's probably their perspective that what they're doing is right or their opinion is right. And from a certain point of view, it may be. So we don't want to say you're wrong, but we want to help them see that we both might be right. Six main characteristics of assertiveness. Eye contact demonstrates interest and shows sincerity. So this is one of those nonverbals. Body posture. You want to use congruent body language. If you are standing up and you're clenching your fists, that's aggressive. If you're kind of, if you're relaxed and you've got open body posture, you're sitting down or you're standing calmly, that's going to communicate something else. If you're not making eye contact and you're hunched over, you look very submissive and that's the passive communication. So that's not assertive. So assertive body posture looks you in the eye and says, this is what's going on. This is what I hope to happen. Very matter-of-factly. Gestures. Appropriate gestures help to add emphasis. Avoid finger pointing. That's aggressive. I don't like it when people point fingers at me. Open hands can be helpful. When people close, close off. That's an aggressive stance. So again, being aware of what gestures you use and culturally, you may use bigger, more fluent gestures than people from other cultures. So don't assume if they're not gesturing that they're not interested. But if you are using gestures, make sure to use ones that aren't offensive or off-putting. If somebody puts their hand up, that means stop, go away. If they do something like that where they're closing their eyes, that means I don't want to hear what you have to say. I'm closing myself off. So be aware of your nonverbals. In terms of voice, using a level, well-modulated tone is more convincing and acceptable and not intimidating as opposed to screaming or mumbling. So you want to modulate your tone. You can get excited. I'm not saying you have to be monotone because that gets really boring. But you can avoid raising your voice so high or talking really, really fast or something else that would indicate to the other person that you're angry and being aggressive. Timing is important for assertiveness. Use your judgment to maximize receptivity and impact. So if I needed to talk to my boss about something, for example, or a subordinate about something, and a sort of way of communicating would be to wait until they had a second, call them into my office and talk to them. You don't want to call somebody out in the middle of other people and you don't want to have an important discussion between groups while you're walking down the hallway. The timing is poor at that point. You want the person to be able to focus on what you're saying and you want to be able to focus on what they're saying. So likewise, if somebody has to have a talk with you, so to speak, encourage them to choose a time where you can both have a moment to focus on the conversation at hand and it's not rushed for some reason. You don't want to do it in your office, you know, two minutes before you've got to go to a meeting. You want to make sure you have time. You want to make sure it's the appropriate time and place. And finally, content, how, where, and what you choose to comment on is in many ways more important than what you choose to say. So what does that mean? It means if you say something assertively, it's going to go better than if you say it aggressively. If you say something in private, then it's probably going to elicit less defensiveness than if you call somebody out in the middle of a meeting or in the middle of a family dinner or wherever. And when you choose to comment, again, you want to choose a time where both of you can focus on what's being said. What you have to say, if you say it, you know, using I statements, that's another how, I guess, but using I statements takes away blame. If I say, you make me so angry when you do this, you know, I'm just by saying that I'm pointing and that's very aggressive. If I say I get really angry when I come home and I see that there's a mess in the house, I'm owning my feelings. I'm owning my reactions because I have control over those. You can't make me do anything. I have a choice. Now that initial feeling is going to happen, but I have a choice about what I do with it. So using I statements keeps people from feeling on the defensive. If you're approaching a subordinate, you know, I've seen that your notes or your paperwork has been really late over the past few weeks and I'm really concerned about that. In order for you to have a good evaluation, which I want you to have, I need you to get your paperwork in by Friday at close of business. So again, I, I, I, instead of saying you're being late with your paperwork, you're never going to advance. You this, you that. It comes off as a lot more assertive and a lot more of a team effort than me saying there's a problem that you're causing and you need to fix it. So practice using I statements. That's another one that clients can practice for an entire week. You know, when they have a problem with something or when they want someone to do something for them, instead of saying you need to say it would make me really happy if you would. One of the best ways to use I statements is helping the other person see, you know, how it benefits both of you. How is it going to benefit them if they do what you want them to do? Conflict management. We respond to conflicts based on our perspectives and our perceptions of the situation. It's not an objective review of the facts. So, you know, if you're getting on a roller coaster as my favorite example, some people see them as thrilling and exciting and amazing. And I see them as terrifying and dangerous and something that I'm never going to get on two different learning experiences. So, you know, each person may look at a roller coaster. One person may say that would be a great thing to go to a roller coaster park for a weekend. And I think that's probably the last place I'd rather be. So, we're talking about the same thing. We're talking about the same experience, but our perceptions of what's going on are different. Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, our culture, our values and our beliefs. So, what's important to you may not be as important to someone else and recognizing that and then coming to some mutual agreement. My husband, for example, doesn't like cats. And I've always had cats. You know, when we met, I had two cats. And my daughter likes cats and we rescue cats. Cats are important in my life as our dogs and donkeys and chickens and other things. He's not an animal kind of guy. But part of being in a relationship with me had to recognize that that's an important part of my life. Does he love those animals? No. You know, there are a couple of them that he's kind of partial to, but I wouldn't say he loves them. But he loves us. So, he makes accommodations and he says, okay, you know, this is important to you to make sure that you can, you know, my daughter can have her donkeys and my son can have his chickens and what have you. So, it's a compromise and conflict management instead of him saying, no, this is the way it's going to be. When you move out, you can have whatever animals you want. We figure out a mutually agreeable way of working things. You know, the animals don't go in the bedroom and there's a certain limit on the number of animals we have. If we didn't have a limit, I'd probably have 80 animals at the farm. But so we compromise and that's important. It's important to see the other person's perception of things. You know, how does he see cats versus how do I see cats? How does he see animals versus how do I see animals? The same thing is true with, for example, parenting. You know, the way you were raised is going to impact how you raise your children. And if you come from two different methods of parenting, then your response to what your children do is probably going to vary quite greatly. And it's a matter of talking about, you know, why do you think this needs to happen? Why do you think this is an appropriate response? And each person stating, you know, their beliefs and then coming to a mutual agreement. Conflicts trigger strong emotions. If you're not comfortable with emotions or able to manage them in times of stress, you're not going to be very effective at managing conflict. So helping people learn distress tolerance skills, helping them learn to breathe, helping them learn, you know, sometimes you may need to step away from something that is upsetting you. Conflicts are an opportunity for growth. When you're able to resolve conflict in a relationship, it builds trust. And you can feel secure knowing your relationship can survive challenges and disagreements. Because real relationships have challenges and disagreements. It can be the passing thing, the dishes in the sink. It can be whether or not you should buy a particular house or how to handle money. Or, you know, there are a lot of different things that happen that you talk about in relationships that can cause conflict. Parenting is another huge one. So you need to be able to have disagreements, have different points of view and figure out how to resolve them in the best way to create a win-win. And dialectics means accepting that two seemingly opposing points of view can both be right, you know, spanking, for example. You know, if one parent believes that spanking is okay and the other parent believes it's not. Well, you can argue for both points of view. It doesn't mean one's necessarily wrong. It's a matter of what you come to decide on or compromise on as a parental unit. So skills for conflict management. First thing, get the facts, you know, look at what objectively is going on here. Not what you feel, you know, don't base it on emotional reasoning, but what are the objective facts in this situation. Empathize with the other person and try to understand their feelings and point of view. Be respectful and objective in your communications. That means no name calling. You know, stick with behaviors that you don't like or what you think needs to happen. Stick with the facts. Be aware of verbal and nonverbal cues of increasing frustration in yourself as well as in that other person. If you see them start shaking their foot really hard or close off or show any of the nonverbals that indicate that they're starting to get increasingly frustrated. It may be time to take a break or it may be time to say, I see you're getting frustrated with this conversation. What exactly about it is causing you the most frustration? Identify triggers for conflict in your relationships. You know, whether it's the person that you work at the next cubicle to your boss, your kids, your spouse, your best friend. There are going to be certain things that trigger conflict and some of them are universal like disrespect. But others are maybe specific to that relationship. So know what those are and you're going to be able to avoid them more often than not. Or if you see a problem coming up, then you're going to be able to mitigate it, head it off before it gets to be a big deal. Seek compromise and embrace dialectics. You know, it doesn't have to be win or lose. It can be a win-win where both of you compromise. So just because, but sometimes, you know, somebody gets a win and then the next time you have a discussion, somebody else gets a win. That's also a compromise. So in a particular battle or in a particular argument, you may quote lose, you know, the other person may champion. But in the relationship, it should go both ways where you both feel like you're winning about 50% of the time. Component versus incompetent. You know, I am incompetent at woodworking. You know, I've been trying to put in quarter rounds in my house and I am not good at making the 45 degree angles to make things mesh together. I am just not good at that. And does it mean I am incompetent at everything? No. It means I am incompetent at woodworking and I know it. And that's just not something I even really try to do. I tried to do it a couple times, messed it up royally, realized that that's just not my skill set. So recognizing that just because you may be incompetent or not good at one thing doesn't mean that you're incompetent as a person. And right and wrong. You both can be right. For example, politics, you know, things come up about, let's say the healthcare bill. And both sides of the aisle and everybody I've talked to has different opinions about what's going on and whether it's good or whether it's bad and yada, yada. That's okay. It doesn't mean that they're wrong. It means that they may be right from their point of view with the information and experiences they have. Now, if you give them more information, they may change their point of view or they may not because their point of view makes sense from their position, their socioeconomic status, their beliefs, what's important to them. So accepting the fact that you may need to agree to disagree. You're both right in your own ways and you're never going to see eye to eye on something. That's okay. You don't have to agree with somebody 100% of the time. As a matter of fact, you're probably not going to. And be creative. You know, sometimes conflicts come up and you've got to think of creative solutions to the problem. So if you're in laws, want to come for a Christmas and you know, it causes a lot of conflict, but you know, it's the right thing to do for the family. So you say, okay, they can come but be creative about how you're going to handle that. When they come, you know, maybe you can plan a bunch of activities so you're not sitting around the house and you know, getting into heated discussions or increasing conflict. Negotiating is another act or part of conflict management. So negotiating begins with preparation. If you know that there's something you're going to ask for, whether you're bidding on a house, asking for a raise, negotiating with your spouse about where you're going to go for your summer vacation, whatever it is. Prepare ahead of time. Know what you want to say. Know what you want to get out of the discussion. How much you want your raise to be or where you want to go and why and yada yada. Then discuss it with the person. You know, tell them what you want, why you want it, how it benefits them, how it benefits you. Clarify your goals. You know, look back and say, you know, am I getting what I need and negotiate towards a win-win outcome. So while you're talking, you're going to clarify your goals. You're going to understand a little bit more about their goals. You know, let's take the vacation. If you're talking about where to go on vacation and somebody wants to go to the mountains and somebody else wants to go to the beach. That's what happens in my family. You know, what are your goals? Well, my goal is to get away from people and internet and everything. Can you do that at the beach? Yes. Why don't you like the beach? Well, because it's hot and I want to be able to go hiking. Well, that's something you can't do at the beach. So we can talk about what we want. And my spouse is generally pretty open to, I just want to get away from everything and housework and the phone and the internet. So he's willing to go kind of wherever, but he wants to go somewhere warm. So that's what we look at. So we find somewhere that's warm, has no internet connectivity, is generally away from people and has good hiking. And we're both happy. So we're clarifying our goals to figure out how to create the best compromise or win-win situation. Then we figure out a place, we look at it together, we agree on it, and we implement the course of action. It's not easy, but it's not overly difficult if you're patient and you don't insist on getting your own way all the time. Another part of negotiation and another skill to learn, and let's go back to negotiation. This makes for great group activities. Have people negotiate on buying a car, have people negotiate on buying a house, have them negotiate on getting a raise, going on vacation. Think about things, have them list things that they have to negotiate with people in their life about. And then role play them in group in order to figure out and practice this whole set of preparation, discussion, clarification, and creating a win-win. Another thing to practice in individual or group is saying no and asking for something. And I kind of do them both together because when somebody asks you for something, clients need to be able to kind of look at their priorities and look at what's important to them and look at what they need. Putting themselves first because if you're worn down, you're no good to anybody. And be willing to either say absolutely positively not, can't do that, hard line. Or I'd really prefer not to, but if you really need it, I can work a few things around. Or, you know, no, but I could be convinced. So there's kind of the soft no, there's the moderate no, and then there's the hard line. And when you say no, you can always try to create a win-win situation. I can't help you move this weekend because I've got something else going on. But next weekend, if you need help cleaning your old house, I can do that. You know, put in some sort of a token, you know, I can't do this, but I can do this instead. If you can't do something else instead, people need to be respectful of that because sometimes we've just got a million things going on. The same thing is true when asking somebody else for something. They have the right to do a soft no, a medium no or a hard no. And we have to be willing to respect that. If they have a soft no, then when we're asking for something, we can kind of come back and go, let me see how I can make it worth your while. If they give us a medium no, we can talk about, you know, you can create more of a win-win, help them understand why it's important to you and try to convince them. And again, making it worth their while. And then if it's a hard line, if they give you a hard line, no, being willing to accept that. You know, if they say, no, I just, that's not something I can do. Being willing to accept that without holding a grudge and saying, you know, okay, because everybody has the right to set their own boundaries. And like I said, if we say yes to everything, we're going to get worn down and we're not going to be good to anybody. And we're probably going to relapse into our anxiety, depression, addiction, whatever it is. So it's important in order to be there for people to be able to set boundaries. Interviewing, you know, this is one of the things that I take for granted, but I shouldn't. So talk about how do you interview, role-play interviewing, because it can be really intimidating. It doesn't matter if somebody's interviewing for a job at McDonald's or they're interviewing for a job at a Fortune 500 company. You know, based on their life experiences and how they deal with authority, interviewing can be intimidating. So the first things we talk about in an interviewing skills group is how do you address for the job? You know, if you're interviewing to be a landscaper, you're not going to show up in a three-piece suit. If you're interviewing to work as a manager, you're not going to show up in shorts and flip flops. So, and, you know, figure out, you know, what's appropriate for that setting. And even if you're interviewing to be a landscaper, you don't want to show up in shorts and flip flops. You want to show up maybe in khakis and a pullover shirt with a collar. Showing that you're taking effort, you really want the job, you want to be there, you know, be presentable. Listen more than you talk. And this is kind of hard in interviews, because a lot of times they're asking you questions, but be willing to listen to what questions they're asking. Try to figure out why they're asking those questions and ask them about the company, about what they're, how they see this job being. What does an average day in this position look like? In what ways are you hoping this position is going to enhance the company, et cetera? Ask questions more than you tell. So, obviously they're going to say something like, what do you think you bring to the company or why do you want this job? And you can tell them, but you also want to follow up with questions such as, I'm wondering what skills exactly do you see as being the ideal fit for this position? Or what things would most enhance this company right now? So you can talk about what skills you have, what they need, and they may say something that you didn't mention when you were telling them why you would be perfect for the job. And they may say something that you didn't mention and you can go back and go, oh, and that's one of those skills that I didn't even mention before, but I have. Answer questions that are asked of you. So don't hedge questions if they ask you, you know, what is one of your biggest regrets or what do you bring to the company? Prepare for those questions ahead of time. Have an answer. Don't hedge them. Don't say, I don't know. That doesn't present a good feeling. Use proper language. Try to articulate. Don't say things like, I don't know. That doesn't come off well. Try not to use slang dialectics or dialects or bad words. You know, you want to keep swearing out of an interview. Speak confidently and clearly and that goes back to assertiveness. Make eye contact. Smile. Have your shoulders square with the person. Don't be hunched over and look like you're intimidated. But don't be too cocky. You know, you don't want to come in going, I am the best thing since sliced bread and you are just making the biggest mistake if you don't hire me. You may be the best thing since sliced bread, but if they don't need sliced bread, then you're not going to be the right fit for the job. Part of it is how awesome you are, but part of it is how much of a fit, how good of a fit you are for the job. So don't be too cocky, be assertive, be positive, optimistic, enthusiastic. Be grateful. You know, when you walk in, thank the person for taking time to meet with you. When you leave, thank the person for the interview and whatever. And express gratitude because, you know, even if it's a job seekers market, the person did take time out and they probably did select you from a group of resumes. So be grateful. Research and rehearse potential interview questions. That's the wonderful thing about Google. You can go online and you can say interviewing for CPA position or interviewing for a position of McDonald's interview questions and you can find sample interview questions. You can also just do sample interview questions because some organizations, it doesn't matter what the organization is use some pretty standard interview questions like what are your top five strengths that you bring to this position and what are your top five weaknesses. Be willing to articulate what your weaknesses are and how you deal with them. We read the job description prior to the interview so you know how to pitch yourself. You know, you're going to pitch yourself differently for a director's position than you are for a cashier's position. So know what your skills are and how they match that job description and do research on the company. If they recently opened three new stores, make sure to mention that because that shows that you're interested. You can say, yeah, you know, I noticed that your company is really growing. You just opened three new stores down in Nashville and that'll go a long way with the interviewer to say, oh, this person actually took time. You know, they know you didn't know that ahead of time, but you took time to research the company just like they took time to research you. All of these things are things to rehearse. So if there are particular places that your clients typically go for their jobs or, you know, have clients identify one of the top three jobs that you would like to interview for and then just create scenarios around that and have people do mock interviews. At the place that I used to work, we used to set aside one day a month and with all the clients that were in our transitional work program, they would go through and do sample interviews with four or five different types of employers in order to get a feel for it and get comfortable and used to talking about themselves and the interview process. Giving criticism is another communication skill. And yes, there's more to life than communication, but communication is a big part of life. So let's finish this up and then we're going to move on to some other skills. Giving criticism, state the problem objectively. Don't name call and don't use a vague term like this is a mess or this is lousy or, you know, if somebody turns in paperwork to you and you hand it back to them and you go, this is a piece of garbage. They don't know how to fix it. What specifically about it makes you feel like it is substandard. So the punctuation is off. The grammar is poor. It doesn't cover everything it needs to. When I would review case notes, you know, I would often kick the case notes back and say, you know, I had a rubric, which is basically a checklist of everything that needs to be in the case notes. And I would hand the case notes back with the rubric so they could see the things that were not in the case notes that had to be. I would say, do it again, bring it back. When you're giving criticism, phrase it in terms of how the solution could be helpful to the person, such as your paperwork has been very late and you're an excellent employee. Getting paperwork in on time is going to go a long way to helping you get a raise or a promotion. So I'm wondering, you know, is there a way I can help you, you know, especially if they've been good at paperwork and all of a sudden it changes or they've been good at keeping their room clean and all of a sudden it's gotten sloppy. You know, ask them is has something changed is something going on that I can help with. So offering assistance instead of just saying, this is crap, fix it or be gone. That doesn't go. That's not assertive. That's aggressive. And it doesn't go a long way with people. So try to give criticism how you would want to receive it. You don't want somebody coming into you and going, that's a piece of crap. You want them to say, you know, if there's something wrong, give, give you something that you can learn from, you know, like, you know, these are the things that need to be in a progress note. So when you get it back, instead of going, well, I don't know how to improve it. You can look at it and go, oh, okay, I need to use the soap format or whatever. So handling criticism, listen to hear what the critic is saying and a lot of us hate criticism, even if it's constructive. And that's okay, because when somebody's giving us feedback, it means we're imperfect. It means we've failed to some task and that's okay. Failure is an opportunity to learn. So if we hear what the critic is saying as a learning opportunity, it's easier to stomach separate the criticism from the self. The person is criticizing something you did, not who you are. You know, if they're criticizing the, you know, how well you keep your house, you know, maybe your in-laws come over and your mother-in-law doesn't like how you keep your house. She's criticizing your house, not you. You've got to remember that you are awesome and not everybody's going to like the way you do things, but it's not necessarily that they don't like you. And if they don't like you, that's their problem, not yours. Don't be defensive. Often the person is trying to help you in their own semi-misguided way. So thank the commenter for the criticism and acknowledges point without being defensive. So if your mother-in-law comes over and says, you know, there's clutter everywhere in this house, you can thank the person and say, Yeah, I thank you for pointing that out. I know I've got to try to figure out how to organize and you can even ask for feedback. How would you do it? Or, you know, what would you do? Instead of going, how dare you come in here and criticize my housekeeping? That's not going to get anywhere except for to incite an argument. So just thank them and let it go. And I had a colleague one time that said, take what you need, take what's useful and leave the rest. If they say there's a lot of clutter, you know, you may step back and look around and go, What would be giving that person that perception? And do I care about straightening it up? Or do I not care? Ask open-ended questions for clarification. So if they're being vague, you know, this house is a mess. Well, that doesn't tell you anything. What specifically, or I'm sorry, you feel that way. Can you tell me what's making you uncomfortable so I can fix it? Admit your mistakes. You know, sometimes you screw up and, you know, maybe the house really is a mess. You didn't have time to clean up because the baby had colic and you had to work and whatever else. You may say, yeah, it is. It's a disaster right now. And I really need to get around to cleaning it. Take what's useful and leave the rest. Remembering that sometimes people criticize in order to gain power and it's more about them. You know, maybe your mother-in-law feels jealous that, you know, you're married to their baby boy now. And so they come over and they're really critical. And their criticism may be more about wanting to still be able to take care of their baby boy and less about who you are or how you do it. Look at criticism as a challenge to do better. You know, sometimes criticism, constructive criticism gives you information on how to improve. So great. You know, thanks. I'll take that and I'll decide what to do with it and work on your self-esteem. Ultimately, you need to be your own best friend and you need to approve of yourself. If you can look at yourself and go, I am darn good. I am an awesome person. Yeah, I have my mistakes, but you know, I'm pretty awesome. That's what you need. You're not going to please anybody all of the time. I don't care who it is. If it's your mama, if it's your priest, if it's your spouse, if it's your kids, occasionally you're not going to please them. And that's okay. You need to be okay with yourself and not rely on them to tell you you're okay. And it'll be a lot easier to handle criticism. Mario Andretti was asked for his number one tip for success in car racing. And he said, don't look at the wall. Your car goes where your eyes go. Well, this is a good tip for handling criticism and life in general. If you choose to focus on the anger and criticism instead of your strengths and solutions, you're likely going to crash and burn. If your eyes and your mind go to the angry place and the criticisms and staying bitter, you're going to be unhappy. You're not going to solve the problem and it's going to continue to fester. If you focus on your strengths and solutions and figure out what's important instead of going to the negative side, you're probably going to be happier. Remember, people who criticize everything or make scathing remarks to be hurtful are often the ones that need help. A lot of times they're feeling really bad about themselves. So they're trying to bring everybody down so they don't feel so isolated. They're not doing it intentionally, but it happens. And finally, listening. When you're listening, face the speaker and maintain eye contact, just like when you're talking. Be attentive and listen to hear, not defend or work your responses. Americans are really bad about communicating and when we're listening, we're formulating our response. We're actually not listening. We listen to the first third of what the person says and then we start formulating our response. That's not listening, that's responding. So listen to hear, listen to everything the person says and try to keep an open mind and not create responses to it, not get defensive. And then picture what the person is saying to understand it from their point of view while they're saying it. That also helps you keep from being defensive and formulating a response. Try to understand their point of view. Don't interrupt or impose your solutions. Okay, so we're still listening here. We haven't responded yet. Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says, I'm more important than you are. What you have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant. I really don't care what you think. I don't have time for your opinion or this isn't a conversation. It's a contest and I'm going to win or I know best. I know the solution and this can happen at work. My IT person does it a lot. I'll call them in and I'll start telling them about a problem I'm having and they'll give me a solution and walk out. And I'm like, no, but that's not the solution to the problem I'm having. That's the solution to the problem you think I'm having, but you didn't listen all the way through. So it's important to ask clarifying questions to ensure understanding before you start providing solutions. So you hear everything and then you say something like, so what I'm hearing is and tell them what you think you heard. They'll say yes. And then you can say, okay, well my solution might be or my response is at this point. Take a minute, take a breath and think about it. You don't have to respond right away. Okay. So that's it for communication. The next skill that's important is goal setting. When you set goals, begin with the end in mind and that's one of the seven habits of highly effective people. When you're getting ready to go to college for a career, you're not going to go to college and just go, I'm going to take whatever. You're going to pick a major. You may not, you may change that major along the way. We can always change, but you're going to have some sort of end goal in mind. When you start looking for a place to live, you're going to have an idea about the characteristics of the house or the apartment that you're looking for. So begin with the end in mind and set smart goals. Smart stands for specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time limited. So be specific. Let's stay with the house example. Be specific about what kind of house you want. You want a three bedroom, two bath. Okay. Your goal is measurable. You want to be able to find something in the next two months that is within XYZ price range and in this area of town. That's measurable. Is it achievable? Well, you got to look at that price range and that area of town and see if it's even possible. If it's achievable, that's great. Can you do it? Great. Is it realistic? How likely is it that you're going to accomplish it? And time limited. And we've already set that time limit of, you know, the next six weeks to two months. So smart goals give you parameters. Let's take losing weight, specific goal. You want to, instead of saying, I want to lose weight or I want to get in shape. Well, there's no end to that. You know, you could continue to lose weight until you're emaciated. So how much do you want to lose that's specific and it's measurable. You're saying I want to lose 20 pounds. Okay. Is it achievable? Sure. Most anybody can lose 20 pounds, you know, and, but is it the healthiest thing? You know, when we're looking at realistic, do you have 20 pounds to lose? And, you know, if you do, then okay, if you don't, then you may need to revamp your goals and time limited. And this kind of goes with realistic. Are you going to lose 20 pounds in a week? No. Are you going to lose 20 pounds in a month? And depends on how much weight you've got to lose. What is a reasonable time limit for getting this goal done? So you don't want to have it open-ended. I want to lose 20 pounds. Blah. I want to lose 20 pounds in three months. Well, that gives you goals. So you can figure out how much you've got to exercise, how much you've got to cut back on your calorie intake, et cetera. So in group, you know, set goals, pick some really easy goals at first. You know, weight loss, getting in shape, meeting people, getting a job, whatever, you know, seems to be good goals that people are working toward in their recovery and create specific, measurable, achievable, realistic time limited goals in group. You may have people pair off and a pair of people can work on the same goal and develop a goal to present to the group. Critical thinking and decision-making. Critical thinking is figuring out, is something accurate? Does this apply to me? Is this true? So people need to learn how to research the accuracy of something. If you read an article, you know, if you drink apple cider vinegar every day for three months, you're going to lose 20 pounds without having to exercise or change what you eat. You know, maybe you read that headline somewhere and I'm not saying that that's true. I'm just saying you see that headline. How do you know that that's true? You don't want to just believe everything you read. So how do you research it? So teaching people how to go online, what resources are reliable and how to figure out the answers. And, you know, sometimes it means asking a dietician or your doctor or, you know, somebody else who specializes in that area. Sometimes it means going online and looking in journals and reputable websites like the National Institute of Health. So we want to look at how to research the accuracy. We want to look at how to question findings. So one of the things that I see, there's a ad for Jenny Craig or one of those right now that says, you know, with our quick start program, you can lose 16 pounds in four weeks. Or it says you can lose up to 16 pounds in four weeks. So critical thinking. My first thought is so all they're guaranteeing is nothing. It doesn't say you're going to lose a minimum of 16 pounds. It says you'll lose up to 16 pounds. So they're not on the hook for anything if you don't lose any weight and how to arrive at your own conclusions. So you want to encourage people to, you know, not jump on the bandwagon, encourage people to research from what they consider reputable sites. You know, what is a reputable news site? What is and find multiple because you find a lot more accuracy if multiple different places are coming up with the same knowledge. So if they say, you know, this drug is an effective treatment for PTSD, well, that's great. So let me look and see what the research is on it and decide for myself. When along with critical thinking is decision making and decision making is important to decide what job to take, where to live, when to end a relationship. If you should get in a relationship when you should have kids. I mean, there's a lot of decisions we make big ones and little ones on a daily basis with each decision. The first thing to know is who and what is important in your life. In order to figure out if it's a decision that's going to help you get closer to those things and people that are important in your life, you have to know what they are. And every decision you make should move you closer to or at least not move you further away from those things and people that are important in your life. Then establish the facts of the situation. Identify your options and the positive and negative consequences of each. So maybe you are offered a job in another state. What are the facts? Are you going to have a pay raise? What's the neighborhood like? What's the environment like? Is your family going to be happy there? All those things that are important to you. What are the facts and for taking this job or staying in place? Which is going to get you closer to what's important to you? Identify your options and the positive and negative consequences. Choose the best option, implement your decision and then evaluate the outcome. You may take the job thinking it's going to be the right thing and you get there and a year and a half later you're miserable, your family's miserable and you're like, oh, this was a mistake. So you may need to take evasive action at that point. But if you think it through at the beginning and again begin with the end in mind, this is what's important to me. This is what gives me a happy life. So is this decision going to help me get closer to or further away from that? And we can use that with resuming smoking, relapsing, taking jobs, relationships. There are a lot of decisions we make. Encourage people to keep a list of decisions they make for a week and then discuss them in group, the big ones and the little ones. I mean, a little decision might be what do I eat for lunch or should I have another bowl of Oreos? You know, those are little decisions, but if being healthy and weight management is important in your life, then those decisions are important. So you need to figure out, yes, I want another bowl of Oreos right now, but I also want to, I'm trying to lose 20 pounds. So is this going to help me get closer to my goal? Probably not. Okay, decision made. So decision making, like I said, is going to help me get closer to the small ones. Impact whether we're getting closer to those people and things that are important in our life. Stress management is huge. Stress can mean anxiety, anger, or just feeling overwhelmed. So it's important for people to know their stress triggers and try to prevent them when possible. In individual, you can have people make a list for homework. In group, this is a great thing to put on a whiteboard and just have people identify the things and make a comprehensive list, because people will have different stress triggers and some people will say something like bad traffic and somebody else will go, oh yeah, you know what, I hadn't even put that one on my list yet. Let me add that. So you get a good comprehensive list. And then you can start identifying ways of avoiding the ones that are avoidable, like bad traffic, you know, leaving 20 minutes earlier, taking the back roads, et cetera, you don't have to sit in traffic jams. There are some things that are avoidable. There are some things that are unavoidable. So it's important for people to identify healthy ways of dealing with the unavoidable stressors. Maybe there's somebody that you work with, that you two are just oil and water and you don't work well together. Ideally, you would work on your communication skills and all that stuff. But right now, that person just grates on your every last nerf. So how do you deal with that stress? Or you're changing a procedure at work and it's really stressful. You're changing computer systems. That's hugely stressful. You can't avoid it. So how do you deal with the stress when you can't figure out how to get an invoice put into the computer? And finally, it's important for people to know the impact of stress on them emotionally, mentally, physically and interpersonally. Stress can make you cranky. It can make you feel depressed and helpless. It can make you feel exhausted. It can make you be more negative and cranky around people and more pessimistic. It can give you stomach aches, headaches, back aches. It can give you diarrhea. There are a lot of ways that stress can impact you. It can impact your sleep. A lot of times when you're stressed out, you're not sleeping as well. And when you're stressed, you're typically not your jolly self. So it doesn't have a good effect on most of your relationships most of the time. Encouraging people to recognize why stress management is important, know their stress triggers and ways to prevent them, and ways to deal with unavoidable stressors is hugely important in stress management. Anger management follows right after stress. Anger represents a reaction to a threat. When we get angry, we've got that fight or flee thing going on. So we only have that thing going on when our body or our brain thinks there was a threat. Common threats, the threat of rejection, failure, isolation, loss of control, and the unknown. In group, this is a fun activity if you put sheets up around the room. Not sheets, but pieces of paper. And on each station, put one of the common threats and have people go around in groups and identify what are some common rejection themes that make you angry. So maybe when somebody doesn't return your phone call right away, when somebody breaks up with you, when somebody says something critical to you, those are all examples of rejection that may trigger people's anger. What things make you feel like you failed and list those things. And then you can start talking about how to deal with those triggers. And then we can also talk about ways to tolerate distress and resist urges because sometimes we're going to get angry. You know, sometimes we lose a job or we don't get a promotion we want or we break up with somebody and it is what it is. And it makes us angry or it makes us sad and there's nothing we can do about it. So how do you tolerate that distress and resist urges to use drugs, to smoke, to act out in some way, shape, or form, to scream at them? None of those is going to be helpful. So how do you tolerate that so you can maintain control over yourself and your emotions? And what are some effective ways that people already respond to anger? Screaming and throwing a tantrum is not effective. We're talking about healthy, effective ways. So when your boss makes you angry, how do you handle it? When your kids make you angry, how do you handle it? Or how do you think you should handle it and then talk about ways to make that happen? Mindfulness and self-awareness is another life skill that's really important. People need to know their preferences. They need to know their temperament, for example. If they're an extrovert, they get energy from being around people. They don't mind interruptions and when they've got a problem, they talk it out. They may talk it out with themselves but they talk it out and they think while they talk. Introverts, on the other hand, need downtime every day. When they've got a problem, they think it out and then they talk. But they don't start to talk until they've thought through the whole problem. And they really don't do well with interruptions. So knowing what kind of environment you like to be in. Sensing versus intuitive means how you conceptualize things. And sometimes they can miss the big picture. We're getting a house ready for sale right now. And my husband is more of a sensor. So he's seeing all the little nitpicky things that need to be done in order to get the house ready. And he's missing the big picture of we just need to get it ready for sale. There are always going to be little things that need to be done. But we need to make it presentable. I, on the other hand, am more of a big picture or intuitive person. I see the end. Let's make the house presentable. That's one of the top five things we need to do to get the house ready for sale. And all the minutiae at the bottom, not so worried about right now. Thinking or feeling talks about what motivates you. So if you're a thinker, objective facts, logic, that's going to motivate you. What's the right thing to do? What's the most cost-effective thing to do? Feeling people are motivated by what's going to make everybody happiest. It doesn't mean either person is wrong. It just means it's different in what motivates you. And judging and perceiving is your time management style. Judgers tend to be really organized. And I avoid the word rigid because that's negative and seems critical. Those of us who are judges, we like our day planners. We schedule things down to 15-minute increments. So we like it. I have my workout scheduled in. I have eating scheduled in. I have everything scheduled in. Perceivers are more spontaneous. They do a to-do list for the week. I need to get these things done this week, but when and how I'll figure it out as I go. I like to know what's going on. I know Sundays is when I do laundry. And that's on my schedule already. So if that gets interrupted, that stresses me out. If for some reason Sunday, we've got to go to a family reunion. I'm just like, but Sunday is laundry day. I know that stresses me out. And my husband does too. So he tells me a week in advance. Sunday, we've got a family reunion or we've got to go to this party or something. So just so you know, so you can plan for it. And then I wrap my head around it and figure out when I'm going to do laundry. Perceiving people, you know, it drives him crazy that I'm quite that meticulous in planning because he likes to wake up on Saturday mornings and go, what should we do today? And I'm just like, oh, you didn't have that plan. So we've agreed that one day a week, which is Saturday's, I know that that's a family day and I've planned it in as a family day and I don't have to know what's happening on that family day, but I know I'm going to spend it with the family. I'm going to plan for that. So we've kind of agreed and that lets him be a little bit more spontaneous and that lets me plan around it. Know your cycles. When are you most energetic? I'm a morning person. So if you are more energetic in the morning, that's when you need to do your hardest tasks and your work and go to the gym and that kind of stuff and try to get it out of the way before that 2pm low. Happiness triggers? What makes you happy because you need to schedule some of that in every day? Know your anger triggers, anxiety and depression triggers. Yes, I put happiness first because life isn't just about eliminating extended feelings of anger, anxiety and depression. Those are natural feelings and you're going to have them sometimes and that's okay. But we also need to make sure that we have happiness in our life. If you eliminate anger, anxiety and depression, there has to be something to put in its place. Happiness doesn't just automatically fill that spot. You need to do things that are going to help you be happy. Remind yourself to look up at the sky. Remind yourself to listen to the birds. Remind yourself to pet your cat or do whatever it is that makes you happy. Mindfulness makes you happy. You need to check in with yourself each day to identify anything that may not be going with your preferences or may make you more vulnerable to distress. It may make you more vulnerable to get angry or irritable. If you didn't sleep well and you've got a lot of stuff going on at work today, it may make you feel more overwhelmed. Mindfulness is proactively checking in with yourself to go, what is it I need to be as happy and healthy and productive as I can be today? Recognizing that every day is not an A day. Some days you're just going to be trying to get through. And then takes proactive steps to mitigate anything that may make you more vulnerable. So if you know you've got 10 things to do at work today and you really have to get them done and people regularly drop in your office and want to come by and talk and that's going to bother you. You may need to shut your door and put a note on it that, you know, only knock in emergencies. It's not rude if it's something that you've got to do and if you do it nicely. Time management and organization are all so important. Now you don't have to be a complete meat freak. But set aside cleaning and organizing time each day. Even if it's 15 minutes to make your bed, pick your laundry up off the floor and maybe wipe down the kitchen and bathroom sink. Bada bing, it's done. It will help keep things more clean and organized so it doesn't deteriorate into complete disarray. Use bins instead of getting obsessive about where every single thing needs to go, categorize things. You know, when you walk in the foyer, we put our keys in there and I put my purse underneath in the bin underneath. And so I always know where my keys are. We have another bin for bills. So when the mail comes in, I put all the bills in there. That way we know where they are and we're not like, well, where did you put that? If you have paperwork such as child immunization records, animal shot records, you know, whatever, I'm not a big one on filing systems. I have a three-ring binder. Each one has a pocket folder in there. I keep that three-ring binder in a place that's really convenient for me so whenever I have that information, again, it's in the armoire in the foyer. I pull out the binder, put it in there and we're done. When you're doing laundry, for example, put all of your sheets in one pillowcase inside one pillowcase. That way when it's time to do to change your sheets, you're not looking around for the fitted sheet and the flat sheet and the matching pillowcases. It's all there in a nice, neat little bundle. And simplify things. You know, sometimes organization means getting rid of the clutter and simplifying. What do you have to have right now? What do you have to have around? Time management is a lot easier when you're organized. If you're not running around spending 20 minutes looking for your keys, you're going to manage your time better. Another tip you can do is do all your shopping once every two weeks. So you're not spending 20, 30 minutes driving to the store, 20, 30 minutes driving home from the store two, three times a week. You save multiple hours by doing that. List, eliminate, prioritize, delegate and combine. List everything you need to do. You know, this week I need to do these, you know, 30 things. Eliminate anything that doesn't have to be done this weekend or this week. So if you don't have to do laundry, you know, you've got a lot of other stuff going on, maybe that gets eliminated for this week and you're just going to have an extra load next week. Prioritize. The things that go at the top are the things that something bad will happen if this doesn't happen this week. So I've got to go to work. I've got to pay the electric bill. I've got to do this. Do I have to get my oil changed? No, if that doesn't get done this week, you know, that's down on the lower end of the priority list. I can do it next week. Delegate anything you can. If you've got a spouse that can take your car in for the oil change, if you've got kids who can help with making dinner, you know, delegate some of those things if you are crunched for time so use a hands-free telephone to call your mom while you're on your way to work that way you or call your best friend. That way you have that social interaction but it's not taking an additional chunk of time away. You're making better use of your drive time. Remember when you're doing your schedules to schedule in activities of daily living like eating and bathing and travel time. Too often people forget about that. They say, I want to be at the gym by eight and I need to be to the office by ten. That means I need to be finished and I put those two things on there and I forget how much time I need to take a shower at the gym and then to drive to the office. So it's important to make sure you schedule in those three things that tend to take a lot of time. And if you need to, then some people do, schedule in and rest. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. So it's important to make sure that you have time every week to do things that make you happy and I really encourage you to schedule in 15 minutes every day for laughter and fun. In terms of doing this in group for organization you can have people suggest different ways they keep their room organized or another thing I do with my kids is to help them clean I will walk in and whatever I see that is not where it should be goes in a big pile in the middle of the room and then they are supposed to clean and when that piles done their room is clean instead of looking at the room and going where do I start. Everything just gets piled in the middle and when the piles gone you're done. So have people suggest their own ways of organizing encourage them to go online and look for interest and bring back suggestions for different ways of organizing the bathroom or their bedroom or helping their kids stay organized at school. Time management is another thing you can say ask people for their top three time management tips and you know just create a list of time management tips. Study skills know your learning style learning is a life long thing so if you know your learning style is easier to learn I always tell people if you're getting a new television or computer how do you learn how to use it or a new piece of software do you want somebody to tell you do you want to go in and just start pushing buttons or do you want to read the manual. Auditory people pick things up from hearing they're going to do better from lecture classes they learn from watching television shows from listening to podcasts so when you're learning tape record your notes and listen to them while you're on the treadmill or while you're on the way to work discuss what you're learning with a study group if you're an auditory learner because that will help you hear it and ask yourself questions if you don't have anybody to talk to talk to yourself try not to do it in front of other people but ask yourself questions and then actually articulate talk it out loud so you hear yourself what your answers are. Kinesthetic learners like to manipulate information to learn it so take information that you're learning about stress management or even when I was teaching my kids fractions we would go into the kitchen and we would bake so they would start manipulating fractions and learning you know okay I need a cup of flour but I don't have a one cup measure so how many quarter cups do I need you know apply it to your life manipulate the information make a quiz you know by creating the distractors in addition to the correct answer you're going to manipulate that information and you're also probably going to paraphrase it. Practice it so if for example math you know try doing 10 different types of math problems that way you're using the information and applying it and finally teach it to someone. When you teach information you're manipulating it in your mind to figure out how to communicate this idea to this person so that can help you learn. If you don't have somebody to teach it to you can do a vlog and put it on YouTube lots of helpful videos on YouTube on different topics and finally visual learners read things more than once you know go through read it then go back and read for comprehension draw diagrams if you're talking about a timeline for something when we were doing Bible history I'm a visual learner so we did a timeline of the Bible and we put where each one of the different stories was in terms of the flow of you know the different patriarchs leading up through the Bible underline and highlight people who are visual can often close their eyes and see a highlighted passage when they're taking a test or whatever so make sure to underline and highlight the important points because that'll make it stand out to you when you go back and review your written notes improve your concentration when you're studying or learning something new if it's for work or for school make sure that your blood sugar is not too low you've eaten something that day your environment is conducive you know if you're an extrovert you may be at the library or at Starbucks if you're an introvert you may be in a quiet cubicle at the library or in your room wherever it is make sure your environment is conducive to your concentration do it at the time of day where you can concentrate for me that means before 2pm after 2pm all bets are off gamify it turn it into a game like Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune or any taboo any other kind of game any other way that you can make it a challenge can help you improve your concentration because you want to win even if you're just playing against yourself you want to win and chunk it we tend to have attention spans that aren't any longer than about 11 minutes so if you're working on something that's really complicated and this works for you it doesn't work for me you may choose to do 10 minute segments but if I stop I have a hard time getting started again so I don't do really well with small chunks one way I chunk it is I will go through a segment and then I'll stop and I'll try to review for myself what I just learned and then maybe I'll get up and go to the bathroom and then come back and do another segment so in a way I'm chunking it some people do better if they learn for 15 minutes and then get up and do something else but however it helps you learn and actually master the material improve your note taking by going through and finding the main point of each paragraph underline it in pencil because not every paragraph is important but if you get used to identifying the main point of each paragraph then you can go back through and look at what's underlined and erase the ones that you don't think are important don't cram all your studying into one session your attention span is about 10 minutes so don't try to study for an entire semester in one evening make sure that you've got several days to study and try to study at the same time each day just like your body knows when it's time to eat and when it's time to sleep if you study at the same time each day your body will be releasing more norepinephrine and other focus chemicals at that point in your day if you're having trouble getting motivated do 15 and this is a little bit different than chunking it because it means start it and do it for 15 minutes and if you're still hating every 11 minute of it then stop because you're probably not being productive but most of the time once you get started it's not so bad and you get finished with it so go into it going I'll do 15 minutes and if I still can't stand it you'll generally end up finding it's not so bad once you get started have a goal when you start studying instead of sitting down and going ok I need to study biology say I need to study biology chapters 1 and 2 or I need to study the first 60 pages or for an hour whatever your goal is so you know when you've achieved your goal and you can say there done bada bing review your notes before starting an assignment and this is the final one it's just like a project you know you don't want to go in and go ok I'm going to build a dog house and then just start cutting wood you know you're going to look at the plan ahead of time and go ok you know let me get out all the tools I'll need and what's the first cut I need to make um you're going which is reviewing your notes or reviewing the plan before starting the assignment so you know what you're supposed to do and you do it right the first time job skills practice on your appearance you know when you go to work be tidy and be dressed appropriately for your job be punctual nobody likes a late employee we also don't want people who are too terribly early or who stay way late because that gets into overtime issues but be punctual and when you're there you're there for that job you're not there to be a warm body and to play on Facebook or watch youtube videos practice teamwork most jobs have a little element of teamwork or communication or at least being part of the team that is that company you have a certain function at that company so make sure that you're doing your job your part to the best of your ability and work ethic not only coming in and making sure that you are focused on giving a hundred percent to that company while you're there but also making sure that you show up making sure that you have a positive attitude making sure that you're not decreasing morale when you're there activities of daily living that people need to be aware of not everybody knows how to cook so help people learn how do you find and complete recipes start easy macaroni and cheese that's right on the side of the box so bring in certain pre-packaged foods and help people see or maybe the box frozen food you don't want to bring that in but bring the box in and help people learn especially young people who've never cooked for themselves how do I cook a TV dinner how do I cook hot dogs how do I cook this or that so letting them figure out how to read the labels because a lot of times it's on the label but if they want to do something more involved how do they find a recipe and again the internet is great and they can even find YouTube videos that walk them through it step by step teach them how to shop you know you've got to have the ingredients before you can make the food so first you've got to find the recipes for what you want you got to plan what you're going to eat make a list of it and then go grocery shopping and then teaching the difference and you can do this on YouTube if you don't have a kitchen to show them in difference between frying and sauteing boiling steaming broiling and baking because those are words that are going to come up and you know talk about when it might be useful help have do a unit on doing laundry you know we did this with our adolescent unit we talked about you know you don't want to wash colors with whites and why and you know I would show them something where that had been washed with colors that had gotten colors on it and it was supposed to be white now it was pink or purple or something so talk about separating clothes talk about how to read the label on different things that tells you whether you can use bleach whether it needs to be cold water whether it can be put in the dryer and how hot to wash or dry so a lot of washing machines have automatic settings now for washing but for drying it's a little bit more ambiguous and talking about how if you dry it so it's completely dry and or if you use temperatures that are too hot it'll likely shrink the clothes and make them not last as long talk about different tips for doing laundry and how to find tips for getting stains out again back to Pinterest and Google doing a unit on mending how do you put on a button you know I had to teach my son how to sew on a button how to handle seam rips you know where the seam starts coming open you know those are really easy if you catch them quickly to hand mend other rips like rips in the knees or in the elbows may need a patch or may not be able to be patched but talking about you know if you have to make something last how can you put on a patch in order to make it go a little bit longer and sweaters you know if something starts pulling from a sweater how do you mend a sweater sometimes it's a matter of just whip stitching other times you need to be a little bit more creative there are a lot of videos on YouTube that you can use to illustrate it illustrate any of these concepts if you are not really handy with you know a crochet hook or a needle but they are important skills to have in order to make clothes last longer in order to improve your appearance you don't want to be going out with three buttons missing paying bills helping people realize how do you pay bills how do you budget well first is knowing what bills you have and knowing when you get paid and how much so for example if John gets paid $1200 every two weeks the first Friday and the third Friday and he has $2400 in bills he's living really close to the vest so the first Friday he'll pay his rent and his electric bill the third when he gets paid on the third Friday he'll pay these other three bills so he may need to work with these companies the insurance the insurance company the car company and then when he buys his food to arrange it so he makes his payment on the 15th or the 18th instead of having it do on the first that way he knows that that payment won't be due until he gets paid again it's important for people to balance their checkbook at least once a week now if you're doing it the old fashion way writing paper checks balance it all the time but if you have auto pay set up at least once a week go in and make sure that you know the amount of money came out that you were expecting the amount of money's left that you're expecting don't spend more on credit cards than you can pay off that month that's good for increasing your credit rating it's also good for keeping you out of spiraling debt always have overdraft protection on your accounts and so if you write a check for $20 and you've only got 15 in your account then there's protection so you don't get hit with a $50 charge for being overdrawn so overdraft protection is really important and that's also why it's important to make sure that you always have as much money you've got in your checking account set up auto payment when possible like for your credit cards you may not want to have it pay off the whole amount every month automatically but at least if it makes the minimum payment you won't get a ding on your credit again you don't want to just make the minimum payment on credit cards you want to pay the whole thing off but at least if you auto pay the minimum amount again you're not going to get a late charge and get a ding on your credit try to have three months of money and reserve and most people don't so it's important save as much as you can even if it's only $10 a week if you're making minimum wage $10 a week maybe all that you can scrape by but save $10 a week until you've got three months of money and reserve that way if the transmission goes out in your car or your kid gets sick or you lose your job you're not in desperate straights right away avoid using debit cards that is money that comes straight out of your checking account and it's easier to get overdrawn that way but debit cards have a lot less protection on them than credit cards so if somebody steals your debit card they can drain your entire bank account and you may not be able to do anything about it and try not to keep cash in your wallet we tend to spend more money when we have cash handy and before go a lot of those extraneous impulse buys like the $1 gum or whatever because you're not going to make a $1 charge on your credit card help people learn how to use community resources the first thing is to know how to find them where do you go to find help if you need help with your electric bill or housing or something united way information and referral is generally the first place I tell people to go and also churches and other community resources so I will give them certain tasks certain things that they may need to find support groups help with the electric bill help with the medical bill transportation and I will say okay I want you to go online and figure out where you would find assistance for these things and how to find activities you know support group meetings free things to do if you google free things to do in your city whatever that city is a lot of times there are lists of festivals and other free things that you can go do so you can have fun you can interface with other people and it doesn't cost you an arm and a leg and finally parenting or re-parenting skills as I call them you know sometimes we didn't have the greatest childhood growing up and you can't change that but you can do for yourself now what you wish your parents would have done for you then you can be compassionate to yourself you can be encouraging of yourself when children are little, infants need caregivers who respond to their needs appropriately to help them learn to identify their own internal cues this helps them learn when they're sleepy when they're cold, when they're hungry when they're this or that if a child meets every cry with a bottle then the child is going to meet every need with food or try to at least so responding to the infant's needs if you didn't get that when you were younger then you need to stop and start being mindful and before you automatically do something say what is it that I'm needing am I eating right now because I'm hungry or am I eating because I'm sleepy that's a mistake a lot of people make or am I eating because I'm scared or stressed out unconditional positive regard is when a parent says I love you for you I really don't like what you just did but I love you for you you're a good person that behavior not and you want to do that for yourself you know you're going to make mistakes you're going to screw things up but you need to go I'm a good person I really screwed that job interview up or that whatever that task but I'm a good person I didn't mean to hurt anybody and give yourself unconditional love remembering that everybody I think everybody is a good person but we all make mistakes addressing inappropriate behaviors through positive redirection instead of just screaming at a child stop that or your dog or yourself what do you do instead if you're trying to quit smoking and you just have this urge to smoke right now what can you do with your hands and to occupy your time in a positive way so you don't light up remove the reinforcement you know what's the benefit of this activity you know smoking obviously there's a benefit to it so if the reinforcements not there and I'm not sure how you would do that if you started smoking and it was an unpleasurable experience probably wouldn't want to do it anymore and add a competing reinforcer so you've got two things that you can do you can either smoke or you can go play with your kids and theoretically you like both things equally but you can't smoke in front of your kids so you may choose to go play with your kids be consistent with yourself as well as with your kids set healthy boundaries kids need to learn and they learn from observing when you say you know I can't do that right now for this reason or I need to take care of myself I need to go to sleep this is not okay or they also learn healthy boundaries that just because you're angry doesn't mean they have to be scared or sad or angry so setting healthy boundaries going if you're having a bad day you may say you know what mommy's having a bad day right now it's nothing to do with you it's just my bad day and that helps them set a boundary so they can say oh okay it ain't about me encourage independence encouraging independence in your kids that's pretty obvious how you would do that but in yourself sometimes you may think well I really want to do this but my parents really wanted me to do this or my spouse really wants me to do this and you want to think through it what's going to get you closer to what makes you happy the people and things that are most important in your life and choose that choose based on what's going to help you achieve your goals not what's going necessarily what's going to make somebody else happy and find resources and help things are going to come up especially if you're parenting children that you don't know the answer to you don't know if there's a problem or you don't know how to solve the problem there are books at the library there are hotlines there are great websites like the American Academy of Pediatrics that you can find help so it's important to know where those key resources are there were a couple of key resources when my kids were growing up online that I would use that I just thought I found to be very helpful so knowing those in advance is usually more helpful having to find them when you're in a crisis but either way, good research skills and critical thinking skills can also help you as a parent there are a variety of skills people need to succeed independently without safe housing nutritious meals proper healthcare and a way to afford all that stuff which is usually a job people are not going to be independent for long these skills that we talked about today help people get what their basic needs meant if you enjoy this podcast please like and subscribe either in your podcast player or on YouTube you can attend and participate in our live webinars with Dr. Snipes by subscribing at allceuse.com slash counselor toolbox this episode has been brought to you in part by allceuse.com providing 24-7 multimedia continuing education and pre-certification training to counselors therapists and nurses since 2006 counselor toolbox to get a 20% discount off your order this month