 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the heart. I'm Jonathan Astley of Jonathan Astley.com And I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today our topic of bad-ass reaction to when he pulls away bad-ass All right really quickly if you're brand new to my YouTube channel Please hit the subscribe button at the bell so you can be notified of new videos And if anytime during this video the content resonates with you Please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms really quickly These are my weekend videos. I shoot out on my balcony very similar to the videos in my private group called midlife love mastery This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and depending on the questions You ask in the group I shoot personalized videos just for you So check out the link below to my group called midlife love mastery. All right Let's talk about a bad-ass reaction way to Handle if a guy pulls away disappears ghost goes silent all those things that you hear about breadcrumbs and whatnot You know the reality is when when an individual Begins to invest in another individual and you begin to bond with that individual and you start to develop a friendship You start to develop a connection you start to develop feelings you have emotions for a person it can be Incredibly painful to experience when someone starts Emotionally pulling away they not just physically pulling away But also emotionally pulling away, and I think we should address both the physical and emotional the physical is when they actually stop Communicating with you. That's a sign that they pulled away pulled back something gone. Silent doesn't necessarily mean they've ghosted yet and we'll talk about that in a moment and Then there's the emotional pulling away, which might have happened prior to the actual Pulling away in other words there there you could just get that sense that they're just not leaning in Emotionally into the relationship And that can wear on our hearts emotionally They can wear on our hearts emotionally because the challenge is also that the number one emotional health issue facing most people is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable, and I'm not likeable So when someone starts pulling away, they're emotionally or physically it can trigger our own stuff to say what's wrong with me in In fact dating triggers this like nobody's business and we're gonna talk about that in a second as well But when you've started to invest in someone and they begin to pull away it can be incredibly painful I know you've been there. I've been there as well And we have to address the real monkey in the room I mean we have to address the monkey in the room and that is the dysfunctional dating practices today. I'm gonna repeat that the dysfunctional dating practices today In fact, it almost occurs to me that dating is a relatively new phenomena that hasn't been around for that long It's probably only been around for 50 or 60 years because if you think back Hundreds of years ago, you know a lot of people like to think of the idea of courtship You know of getting to know each other Getting to know each other sitting out in the patio drinking mint Juleps together and getting to know each other while you're sitting on a Chased lounge or something like that or chaperone dates You know what the interesting thing about that? Do you realize that that all used to last a couple weeks? When a man and woman wanted to have sex together, they oftentimes got married really fast. They barely knew each other From a real connection perspective not necessarily now. They might have known each other's families They might know each other's friends because for the most part we used to connect with people in our tribes and our villages our towns Or a workplace, okay So there was a level of familiarity and the date in the process I was about to say dating but it wasn't dating the process was like that Now it's a whole different ballgame out there Especially because of these devices we are being introduced to people We wouldn't otherwise know in our daily lives and we're meeting total strangers And the challenge when when it comes to meeting total strangers is we know very little about them We don't know their family background. We don't know their friends when we're meeting a total stranger We don't know much about their lives. In fact a lot of people keep their life secret You know like like you meet someone and you're like, oh, what's your Facebook page? Well, I don't want to give you that information yet. I barely know you It's kind of that stranger danger thing going on And yet what fascinates me and I started to laugh Is human beings will engage in sex without barely knowing another person? I'm gonna repeat that human beings will engage in sex barely knowing one another Without the understanding also that we bond through sex not necessarily men bond through sex, but women bond through sex So when you've had a guy that's come on strong. He's into you. He's expressed a lot of affection He's maybe been romantic in the early stages of dating and you actually start to let this person in It can be incredibly Incredibly painful when they start to pull away And I want to address what to do when that happens And yet we have to as I said before address the bigger monkey in the room And that is humans don't really know how to get to know one another at a deeper level and again When we're meeting total strangers, this can be very difficult This is why I'm an advocate for radical honesty right from the get go by being up front of what you're looking for By asking deeper questions. I call it radical honesty asking deeper questions But Jonathan all the other dating coaches don't mean not to interview guys because that's gonna scare them away Folks you want to scare away the wrong guy not to not that asking deep questions If it if it scares someone away or if it feels overwhelming to someone or if they feel turned off by it What does that say about the guy? And let's not forget the guys who lead with sex. I have a client right now She's started a data guy and all it all he wants is sex sex sex sex You know, I mean all his communication is that that is you know what I listen What does it say that we can? Okay, let me rewind for a second Obviously if men feel they can do this it must be working for some of them I'm gonna repeat that if men feel they can do this it must be working for some of them because I I'm gonna say the value of sex the error the the barrier to entry is almost minimal In fact, we've adopted a three-date rule that if someone hasn't had sex by the third date They're they're moving on to someone else and I'm here to say to operate from a different perspective In fact, if you follow my work, you know But I always say this before you have sex with a guy read the book eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman Read it together because this will build intimacy with each other. You can actually get to know each other at a deeper level because the real challenge today is That when the reason why someone is pulling away is because the roots of trust haven't been established in the Relationship the roots of trust Okay, now let me share with you five roots of trust I talk about in my private coaching By the way, there's a link below to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you But the five roots the five roots are emotional connection economic agreement Social activities hobbies mutual interests family and friends and intimacy that's both physical and emotional intimacy Those roots are incredibly important that need to be developed in the relationship for it to have any legs For when you there's going to be conflict when there's going to be challenges Because here's the thing What what happens to a tree and a hurricane wind without roots It's going to blow away and that's what's happening in dating today is human beings are spending so little time developing these roots To actually strengthen the relationship because here's some of the reasons why a guy might pull away He might have chaos going on in his life. He might be going through a contentious divorce He might have issues at work. He might have issues with his children He might have physical issues going on These are all some of the reasons that cause men to pull away from the relationship because they're Overwhelmed dealing with their problems and there hasn't been enough trust built in the relationship To actually lean in and say I want my help from this person who's now beginning to become my partner In fact, humans spend so little time developing Partnership with one another and that's what my my whole coaching program. Listen, I know a lot of my contemporaries They got married young They you know They got married young and they're trying to sell you on the fantasy because they have that that Idealic relationship when you're in midlife. It's a whole different ballgame. It's a it's a mess out there and To operate from that naive place that most men are just going to you just have to sit back in your feminine energy And the guy will claim you is Nonsense in fact a lot of the rhetoric out there encourages women that when a guy pulls away Just go about your daily life Pull back in your feminine energy go back to doing what you're doing and the guy will Gravitate towards you because he's gonna start to miss you Now I want you to think about this for a second When he pulled away from you, how did that make you feel? Made you feel Frustrated might make you feel Might make you feel rejected might make you feel angry So if you're thinking you'll do the same to him because it's going to make him run for you Think of what he might be thinking frustration disappointment anger rejection now I'm not suggesting so he's already pulled away You don't need to pull away because he's already pulled away. You don't need to give him space He's already taken space What you can do is take charge of your life and that's what we're gonna lean into right now By the way, my t-shirt says don't be a salty bitch By the way for those of you know my son who passed away his nickname is salty So I have all these salty t-shirts salty mugs things like that So I'm wearing that in his honor Partially because Connor one of the chapters in my book called what the heck yourself love anyway chapter 5 is Called don't let anyone f with your chi and why I'm sharing this with you And it's so fits with what we're going to talk about today Is that I'm coming back to my son Connor He had this ability to not allow other people's opinion of him affect how he felt about himself That's where this chapter comes from don't let anyone f with your chi and I want you to operate from the place of okay He's done this okay, what am I gonna do about this? What am I gonna do about this now? You can do nothing, but how does that feel and by the way weeks go by weeks go by weeks go by how does that feel? Because you'll be thinking about it So I'm here to encourage something where we cut to the chase much quicker So I want to share with you if you've noticed that the guy has pulled away a little bit Let's differentiate between the guys you're just starting to date versus someone you've been in a relationship a little while Okay, someone you just start to date It's very natural because most the time we're dating people where we think of each other's as Maybe's as maybe's in other words. I don't know if I like this person yet It takes it roughly about a hundred hours of face-to-face time to actually really get to know someone at level one at state at level one Takes about a hundred hours So if you're not reached that point very natural men pull away and we'll talk about what to say to those guys I want to talk about if you're in a little bit more Seasoned relationship what to do what to say and what I'm about to share is a very bad ass Bad ass way to do this Okay, so I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses Here's my notes bump bump bump bump bump bump badass wait So what here's what I encourage my clients to do is to be proactive Being in your feminine is not being proactive Now people will tell you that if you're being proactive, that's being masculine Who gives a crap what definition masculine or feminine what you want to do is take charge of your life Take charge of your life Okay, and what you can say to a man if he pulls away is something along this lines You probably send it in a text message, but it could sound something like this. I'll use my name for example Hey, Jonathan I'm sensing you've had a change of heart exploring a fully committed relationship with me because it seems you've pulled back or pulled away While it's quite possible. You might just be busy It's not like you to go silent and I'm checking in to get a sense of where your head is at Can you let me know you're okay? Warmly, you know, Suzanne or what your name, okay Now why I like this is it it requires if if he genuinely I'm assuming you've had sex together and if he genuinely cares about you He's going to respond and it requires him to look in the mirror and say what am I doing here? What am I doing here? Now by asking are you okay instead of where are we at in our relationship and by the way I've kind of I've kind of weave the two together. I'm sensing you're not interested in exploring a fully committed Relationship with me. So you're addressing that but you're ending with are you okay because that gives him a good Give you're wanting to know. Hey, I haven't heard from you. Are you in a ditch somewhere? Are you in a ditch somewhere? By the way, my coffee mug says sometimes you forget you're awesome And this is your reminder and I want to remind you that an awesome person takes charge of their relationship destiny They take charge of their life And so coming back to this script by sharing this it forces him It doesn't force him. That's not fair. It gives him an opportunity to respond. What's really going up? Now here's the thing nine out of ten times. He's done. Okay. He is done He just hasn't told you he's done. He's too much of a wuss to tell you he's done. This will force that conversation and It probably will give you he'll give you some BS excuse of why he's pulling away. He's got work issues He's got family issues. He's got this issues and he can't devote to a relationship and he's not ready for a relationship That's the usual line Now there's exceptions to the rule and if he genuinely cares about you he's going to say oh my gosh I'm so sorry. I've just been really busy. You mean a lot to me. I really I'm not I really want to apologize for being a Little bit distant. Hey, do you want to get together for dinner on Friday night or do you want to do this? That's what a guy will do if he genuinely cares about you and wants to explore a relationship He'll be going now you might be saying well Jonathan some men will react negative to this think about the men who will react negative to This the controlling men the selfish men the misogynistic men the patriarchal men Those men will respond negatively because they want to be in control of the entire relationship because they want a person at Their beck and call and that's not who you are. You are not at someone's beck and call You are in charge of your relationship destiny. This is why I want you to check out a couple books First off, I definitely want you to check out the book personhood personhood by Lee. I can't pronounce his last name I want you to check out this book. I want you to check out the book the subtle art of not giving enough and Lastly, I want you to read the book by Joe to spend that's Mark Manson by the way breaking the habit of being yourself and why I'm sharing these books today is because I real bad-ass bad-ass Is to Be in charge to take charge of your life. That is not masculine. That is not feminine. That is called empowerment Empowerment and I want you to be empowered in your life by leaning into this message to to push a Conversation nine out of ten times. He's gonna give you some, you know Wussy reason what's going on and then one out of ten times. I'm guessing and by the way, I'm making up these numbers He's gonna actually go. He's gonna lean into I'm really sorry and please forgive me All right, that's what most likely will happen to the guy who genuinely cares about you Okay, I think you get a gist of where I'm going here folks. I Encourage you to take charge of your relationship destiny. Do not give it to the guy You are in charge of your destiny. Not the guy. All right, okay I'd like to hear your thoughts on this Please post a comment below if this resonated with you if you have anything you'd like to add I'd like to hear about it. If you think you have a different script Please write it out as well. If you like my t-shirt your mug my mug, please let me know We're gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic John the bear hug of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more. Oh, wait, wait, wait my salty teddy bear This is my salty teddy bear. Give it a hug as well. All right Wishing you a bright beautiful and blessed day. Take care now