 Even if you take all appropriate steps to protect your safety, there's always a chance that sometime, somewhere in the course of your duties as a United States probation or pretrial services officer, you may become the victim of a crime. Or you may experience a critical incident, an incident that doesn't technically make you a crime victim, but affects you in much the same manner. One of the secretaries came towards my office and stated in an excited fashion that there was an individual by the entrance of the fifth floor that was on the floor that was apparently going through a seizure. So I went over to investigate to see what was going on. She exploded. After I told her that she had to report to my office the following day so that we could make these arrangements, she totally lost it. She had a file in her hand, she stood up abruptly, which startled me, and when she stood up she flung the file and all the contents of the file just flew in the other direction and she just began to rant and rave, and I'm tired of this. Who do you think you are? A Saturday night about approximately two weeks after the Russell shooting, my wife answered the phone at around 9.30. She called down to where I was in the house that someone was for me on the extension. When I answered a male voice indicated, well, first of all, he verified who I was. He said, are you Ronald L. Smith, the U.S. probation officer? And I said, yes. And he said, how are you? And I said, fine. And he said, well, you're not going to be. And I said, pardon me. And he said, you're going to die. And I wasn't sure I heard correctly. And I said, what did you say? You're pardoning me. And he said, I'm going to kill you. As I was going from the government car to my car, I was approached by three black males, one brandishing a firearm, who instruct me to turn away from them. One reaching me, he grabbed me, he turned me around, being very careful, standing directly behind me so I couldn't see him. At that particular point, I went to my knees and tried to make the individual as comfortable as possible, very moving his jacket and loosening his tie and buttoning his shirt and just kind of holding on to him so that he didn't further injure himself from his constant moving. His body was shaking incredibly. His head was banging his head against the floor. One of our officers was killed by her husband when she went to family court to deal with a part of the custody and divorce issues that she was facing. So she left our office and went across the street to family court with the intention of coming back. And he killed her while they were waiting for their hearing to come up. He then instructed me to lie down on the ground simultaneously, striking me over the head with a handgun. He then assisted me to the ground by pushing me, at which time he instructed me to spread my legs open and to push my hands out in front of me, at which time they removed one ring, a watch, my badge and the car keys to the government vehicle. I took the plastic object and put it in an individual's mouth and my hand at the time was about a half inch away from his teeth. During this period, he was foaming from the mouth, he was convulsing and he started to bleed a short time later. She had a positive urine testing for, I thought it was morphine, cocaine and morphine, but it turns out it was cocaine and PCP. And PCP is something that causes people to be very incoherent, extremely volatile. And it is something that if they are under the influence, their reasoning is they have none. Two of the assailants went to the vehicle and they ransacked the vehicle, looking, apparently as though they were looking for something, what I don't know. At that time, they then started the car and the gunman who was holding the gun to my head throughout the entire incident instructed me to crawl on my stomach from the back of the government vehicle towards the rear of my vehicle. Again, the two vehicles was parked alongside each other. They then backed out of the parking lot. It was a Friday afternoon, it was quiet in the office and my superiors, the people that are above me were out for the day. And a call came in and one of the secretaries had taken it and she said to me, Elaine, I got a call from a detective. It's about Danielle. I think she may have been injured. And I called the detective back and my first question was, is this about Danielle? Is she okay? And he told me no. And he explained what had happened. And then things just started speeding up. It was so real and vivid and going to happen that I was concerned that it was going to happen right then and it was going to be soon. And the first thing that we did was turn on the outside spotlights, pull out curtains, get my weapon, et cetera to try to get ready because it appeared it was going to happen right then. A short time later, I was informed that this individual was HIV positive. So then when I was leaving and I was halfway down the street and she followed me and she said if I attempted to report this, I could not hide in DC, Maryland, or Virginia. And I again squared myself off if she ran at me and her friend followed her. And I asked her calmly if that were a threat and she said no blank, that's a promise. So I said thank you very much. And I turned around and of course inside I'm like jello but on the outside you couldn't tell. Of course officers don't like to think of themselves as victims, they're trained professionals and they like to feel they can handle whatever comes their way. It's not generally in my nature to feel like a victim. I mean even when there are times when the car is stolen and you are a victim and I just don't, it's not the way that I think to think like that. And I keep saying this myself, don't let it get to you. And every time I would do that I would tell myself you're letting it get to you and I would become mad at myself. Well it's a kind of 180 degree situation, opposite situation because as a probation officer you're more or less in control and as a victim you have no control and it's not a nice feeling. So that is even harder in itself to be someone that has a certain ounce of pride to have to sit there and be abused in that way, verbally abused and almost physically abused in that way and not be able to defend yourself. And even sometimes now I became angry at myself saying so he had a gun why didn't you do something you know. And I've said this to a couple of friends, they say you're crazy you know those guys had a gun. I said I don't care I still should have done something. I think what happened is it becomes more or less a fight with my attitude as far as writing saying thank God I'm alive you know it's like yeah I'm alive but I've lost my manhood because you know I've allowed these guys to just invade me and not do anything you know what I'm saying. So it becomes like you know a fight like you know right to survival versus you know writing being thankful that I'm alive you know I'm more upset about you know my pride. It's important that you be able to let yourself be a victim if in fact you are one. It's because when something bad happens to you it will have effects whether you want it to or not starting with the strong physical and emotional reactions you'll experience during the incident itself. Initially when I heard the pattering feet and I looked up you know it's like your hear stands up on the back of your neck it's like you know you know what's going to happen you see it coming and there's nothing you can do. Of course my heart was you know just going for it. I felt like I was just a bag of nerves on the inside I can you know I can feel myself trembling but you couldn't see it you know I tried to walk calmly. Once I got to the safe haven I you could tell I was really like you know upset. My body obviously was was pumping full of adrenaline I had a hard time going to sleep that night and for several nights. At that particular moment when I found out that this individual was HIV positive I was in a state of shock. It's hard to describe that particular feeling I kind of became cold my hands became cold and kind of clamby you know. At the same time I really couldn't express like I couldn't express what I was feeling. The only thing that I could do was like kind of like sternly tell her to lower her voice and I was upset with myself because when I did it my fingers shaking and so called everybody together and we have different offices so we had people from on annex across the streets and get those people up here call over to our Long Island offices tell the supervisor out there let him notify the staff and I was so intent on it has to be personal you know that I didn't think about what I was going to say when I got a hundred people up in the room that they didn't fit in and everybody was kind of pouring out of the room and I got up there and I looked around it at all her friends and her coworkers and I shook I mean it took a tremendous amount I just my whole body kind of shook. To have a handgun pointed at you not knowing what the person is pointing at you intent is and whether or not it's it's loaded you know you don't know and again your life just flashed before your face you know you could do you do is just hope and pray for the best. I just thought the worst-case scenario you know worst-case scenario which was that you know I was infected in my life is gonna change from this day on. You may also notice changes in your thinking about the world your emotional life and your behavior for days weeks or even months afterward. The first few nights I had difficulty sleeping I'd wake up cold sweat you know you're always almost literally looking over your shoulder waiting for this individual to do what he said he was going to do and you're especially initially you're always concerned that one of your family members is going to be around you when this occurs and for a long time after that you know when I would walk the dog in the community or I'd be out cutting the grass or whatever you know when a strange car would slow down or someone would come up to you you would always kind of tense up thinking you know is this it. For the first few weeks whenever we got dark even at home you know like you got dark and I forgot something outside and I had to go outside in an area that wasn't well lit I became real paranoid you know I took my gun with me. I don't know but when you know one question that popped up in my mind when when this all happened was why me you know here I am trying to help someone and and I end up having to go through a very difficult period. You feel mad you think you know why me I've done nothing wrong you know why why should someone pick on me and yeah you do feel like a victim and there's no there's nothing you can do you know it's over you can't you can't back up. I couldn't go down that street for a while that the incident that happened on I just this this happened in August of 92 I was just able to drive down that street February of 92. I've passed it a lot but in there were it's a you can cross through that street to get to other areas or other addresses and I wouldn't go down that street for a while and I was apprehensive even though she's incarcerated I you know you still say okay well she's told some people you know they might know my car and so you're you you have to you know I'm now more aware of that area because of what happened because you never know. At the point of the incident and for a few weeks after that it was still so so alive in me like the incident was very very present you know I can remember every single detail of what took place the individual in front of me the you know the you know for a few days you can still see the blood stains on the carpet until they came over and get rid of the stains. I wanted I wanted to retaliate you know I honestly felt I could have took on those three guys if they were bare-handed that's how angry I was I you know I was mad never that I said if they didn't have a gun I think I could pull three of them. It was almost like you know for a month or longer we held her breath you know it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop you just you just don't know when it's going to drop and I guess one of the jokes that we had at the time was don't get around Ron if a truck backfires because you know I would have probably pulled out the weapon you know. It's important to recognize that these changes in reactions are occurring and that they're normal reactions so that you can deal with them effectively. People cope and in different ways often what seems to help the most is just talking but you have to decide what's right for you. I spoke with my wife a lot about it. I found that it helps it helped me to talk to people about it. I just really called them just to hear their voice you know a kid has to hear their parents and I'm blessed enough to still have my parents so I called them and just wanted to hear their voice and you know just kind of let them know I had a rough day. The more people that I would tell this to if I decided to do so I would realize then that I would have to go step by step and again I would be living my anger my shock you know my state of being in shock and I wanted to kind of put it aside because it's not a short story. The older FBI had had death threats in the past and so he shared with me his feelings and what his family had done etc so that part was good because it made me understand that you know you're not the only one that this has ever happened to and obviously he's sitting there telling me these things so doesn't mean you're going to die and so you know that helped. Even though you know I should have gotten tired you know telling the same story over and over again I realized that that was therapy for me because I was speaking with people that I knew whether it be family members friends officers. Ordinarily by about six weeks after the incident most of the more intrusive symptoms and reactions disappear or at least become much less intense. Some effects may be with you for a long time though and that's normal too. I guess it was really six months or so before we more or less sort of started letting our guard down and where I didn't wear a weapon constantly and these sorts of things it's been approximately two and a half years and I'll honestly honestly I still don't know that I'm totally removed from that incident because I'm not as open and outgoing as I normally would be. Sometimes I get paranoid. If I walk out and it's real dark or if I happen to be carrying my briefcase in one hand and my fieldbook then first I get real paranoid because I said both hands are occupied. If somebody was to approach me you know how quick can I get rid of what I have in my hands you know or like if I'm in the field with my weapon and my hands you know how quick can I drop this stuff and get to my weapon if I need it you know before this person get toward me so no that's something that's still bothering me and I think about that. I'm always thinking how quick would I be able to react to an you know to an assailant that's rapidly approaching me. I passed by it I must pass by that station maybe 20 times a day and yeah a few weeks ago I was even the cop mission is right there so I kind of turns around to see if I can see any stains so yeah it's still it's still when I pass that error it's still live it you know in my mind. The incident kind of like made you sit down and say okay this is a serious job you know this is something that you really really have to be on your pews and cues about because this is you know it can change just like that things can happen just like that. It was had a great impact and probably more of an impact than the episode with Russell because when it's on your own ground you know it's one thing when it happens something like this happens at the office and you're somewhat divorced from it but when it impacts on your family and it's on your turf it has a much greater impact. Things that I would usually take for granted you know I don't anymore I mean I look twice three times to make sure you know that this is not a potential assailant I mean even even now even now. This kind of thing makes you very much aware of the fragility of life so that there is a sense of vulnerability. It changes your life it makes you think more about your own mortality it makes you more concerned about your relationship with your family and with others and it it changes kind of the way you perceive things as far as long-term goals you think more in terms of short-term goals and it's there it's been a change. Suppose one of your colleagues is the victim of a crime or experiences a critical incident of course you'll want to be supportive you'll want to listen when a fellow officer shares his or her feelings with you offer your assistance and give the person room to work through some strong reactions to the incident. What you may not want to do however is realize that what affects your colleague may also have an effect on you and others in your office. They were stunned but I looked around and just these somber stunned faces and then and it was like what can I do everybody's reaction was what can I do and there wasn't just a lot we had a lot to do and we did do quite a bit as the days continued but there wasn't enough for hundred people to do. People had nightmares I mean I had a couple of different stories of very odd and sort of nightmarish dreams from different people. Difficulty thinking about anything else. Some people focusing on the incident and specifically the moment of her death and what happened at the moment of her death. All different kinds of things. Some people feeling just very vulnerable and talking about safety issues. People talking about going out and buying better gun lockers for their home. You know gee I have a kid and I you know this boy that's made me just aware of how much responsibility that that gun is and I have a gun like you know place where I lock it up but you know I was thinking maybe I should look at a better stronger tougher less penetrable gun locker. It's run the gamut in terms of the way that people have reacted. What becomes clear is that when one officer is a victim others in the office. Fellow officers supervisors and administrators will be affected too. For a period of about five weeks different probation officers from the field offices came and they were armed and they stayed in the office with me throughout the day and if we went out primarily I did not go out during this time to make field visits which was the first time ever that had happened but my chief's feeling is that I was more vulnerable out making home visits than I was in the office. Everybody had different suggestions so that somebody would call up saying Elaine what we what we need is we need black bands to go cover our badges so that is a sign of respect. Somebody took care of that. We need to you know take care of the plaque someone did that. We need there were just so many different things to do. The officers in the department were very very supportive not only my friends that everyone builds friendships in their office place but the officers that I didn't know as well as others came up to me and showed their concern and supportiveness you know of me and that that was good. It made people feel better when they were able to contribute to that effort so that and that had to be done and it would have been too easy to just take over and do everything and that would be unfair to the people at one of her good friends. We made sure that he had an opportunity to write the memorandum I guess for the news and views and to go out in their office. You know that was a good thing to do he was a good friend of hers and needed something to help him focus so that he could do something for her and so everybody kind of did something in the office and everybody wanted to do something. Just as individual officers must take steps to cope with their responses to victimization so must organizations. Chiefs and supervisors should take prompt active steps to counteract the potential effects of a critical incident. Of course there's no formula for the right response in any given situation but it's always better to do something than nothing. Upon hearing of the incident my meet again my media supervisor just brought me to his office and and let me speak and and he he was concerned you know he was concerned about my well-being at that point not only with the incident but how I was reacting you know the fact that I really wasn't reacting. Even my supervisor which I was even on guard you know as to what that reaction would be was very compassionate and very understanding and extremely outreached very supportive so that that helped a lot. There was an issue of when and how to reassign her work. I mean it's a simple a simple thing but it became an issue because it was okay well we don't want to give it to this person because this person's too good a friend so we'll assign it to this person because maybe it'll be easier for them to do it because they're not and then her friend say why didn't you give it to me I want to do it it's something I could do for her why are you giving it to this person who doesn't even know it's like you know here you think you're doing the right thing here you're trying you know do this and you know let's reassign it to this person rather than this person to try and be sensitive to their needs and so yeah there's there's just so many things that too that come up. The next day because I wasn't able to get my supervisor called me the chief called the deputy chief so I started getting phone calls you know from co-workers so I felt good about that because there it is you know at least I know my co-workers you know were concerned. The following day when I started work my meeting supervisor came in with my chief and they both sat down and kind of spent a good portion of the morning with me and expressed their concerns and you just try your best and try and figure out but the best thing is to do is just be straightforward and honest about it because we don't know what to do either we're all kind of struggling together and let's let's try and do this together I was trying working out together at one point when I was doing the notification to the staff so I said what can we do it's like take care of one another you know be good to one another that's what you can do right now with support one another that's what you can do so but yeah I don't think that there's any any manual that will tell you exactly what to do or how to do it correctly in this kind of a situation because each one of them is different each kind of critical incident situation is different at this point you may be thinking all right then if I'm a victim I'll admit it and deal with it but that won't take me very long I'll get myself out of victim status and back on track in no time but consider a phrase that's been used in other contexts the only way out is through I think basically what happened though by continuously playing the event over and over in my mind and each time realizing that if you wanted to live there is there was nothing else you could have done now if you didn't care about yourself or your family if you wanted to die then you could have done basically whatever you wanted to and be you know and be a dead hero you just you go through it just thinking about what happened and you you do think about okay well what if she did hit you you know what if she you know came at you when she ran out the house or you do kind of you try to go over and say well could I have handled this differently could I have you know because you something like that when you don't expect it or when you you didn't see a comment or whatever you try to you always I think it's human nature to try to could I have done this differently could I have said this differently could I have reacted differently and I even thought at some point of blaming myself for you know why do you have to jump in you know what caused you to jump in and and help this individual you know and that's what I after analyzing that real I realized that that's not I don't I don't want to be that I don't want to be the person to blame you know and also realize that the situation happened again I would continue you know hope to react to help the individual or whatever the case may be so you talk it through and you think it through so much that you kind of are able to put it aside and you feel comfortable putting it aside because you've looked at it every way you can look at it you know up down in the sideways you've talked about it you've remembered and you kind of just put it aside once you've become a victim there's no easy way out the best and fastest way out is to go through the process these officers have discussed admit to yourself that you've been victimized recognize what your reactions have been and take whatever steps you need to cope with those reactions involve your colleagues and your supervisors and seek professional help if you need it and be open to positive changes that can come out of the negative experience remember the only way out is through now I I feel as though I handle it the best way possible could just point there is no blame in my mind I just react it and this situation occurred and just kind of go forward I can't say what confidence oh yeah I can get through everything but it does make you feel really good about yourself when you do handle something like this calmly with a good head on your shoulders and you're able to assess the situation clearly and you survive it it makes you feel really good