 Welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. Our topic, He's Avoid It and you want to bring him closer to you. All right really quickly before we get started, if you're new to my YouTube channel please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can get notified of new content. I usually shoot about two or three or four videos a week so there's a lot there to unpack. All right, he's an avoidant and you want to bring him closer. So let me tell you where this video came about. I was watching another video from someone else that says, are you with a guy who doesn't text message you regularly, doesn't tell you goodnight via text message, doesn't wake up in the morning say hi to you, he's inconsistent with his behavior and you want to draw him closer to you, then do these three steps and this will happen. And I'm here to say hogwash. I mean I literally want to stick my finger down my throat because here's the reality of things and I'm being very blunt here. If you need someone to regularly keep in contact with you so you can feel good about yourself, then you've missed the boat. In fact because if you need someone to tell you basically to love you so you can love yourself, then you're basically not loving on yourself and that's what I want to lean in today because truthfully each person operates their own way and while I'm, hey listen, I understand that if you're in a relationship you want to have regular communication. I get that but that's not what I'm talking about. If you need it to feel good about yourself then you're not loving on yourself and if you're not loving on yourself it's time to begin loving on yourself and if you're not familiar with the book The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, you have to check this out. This book is going to help you learn to talk to the voices in your head, that voice that says I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable because that's what's going on when you need reassurance or validation from someone else and it honestly means that on some level we're not loving on ourselves so if we're not loving on ourselves how can we give love to another and yet we've been so conditioned that if we give love to someone else we should get it back. If we give love to someone else we should get it back and that is just a give to get type of mentality or not a mentality, a level of neediness that's going on inside one one self. So I'm here to say, I've got something in my mouth, I'm here to say that the most important thing is not about drawing him closer to you and we'll talk about avoidance in a second, it's more about learning to love on yourself so hey I talk a lot about my book what the heck is self love anyway what the heck is self love anyway this is a journey of personal development self help and spiritual work so you can begin to love on yourself I introduce you in to all the great books and the great teachings that I've learned to somewhat love myself way more than I did before hey I was like many of you I was needy I needed someone to continually validate me so for me to feel good about myself because I have what's called an anxious attachment style and but this topic is around avoid an attachment style so let's differentiate between the two the anxious person like myself is needy we need attention so we can feel we need attention from you to feel good about ourselves the avoidant is fearful of attention fearful of that because they were conditioned as children not to trust love and if you're not familiar with the book attached attached by Amir Levine attached I'm holding this up is that avoid here's the thing about avoidance I know a lot of women like to characterize men as emotionally unavailable or avoidant now part of this is because as boys we were so conditioned to stuff our feelings in we were told to be a man not to show our emotions not to express our feelings and what's interesting that happens in malehood if you will is we've been taught as young boys to stuff our feelings not express our feelings to someone especially if we care for someone now the needy person like me has to express our feelings has to express our feelings because we need it reflected back by the way for the record I've healed my anxious attachment to the point where if it was an eight before it's probably a two or three right now so I'm still a little bit needy but I'm way less needy because I've learned to love on myself okay so now going back to the avoidant the avoidant as I said before is oftentimes considered this emotionally unavailable person they're afraid of love because they were so conditioned that way and we men were conditioned to stuff our feelings but as I said as we age what's interesting that happens is about the time we had around 35 our testosterone levels begin to drop and our estrogen levels begin to increase and what happens with that estrogen increase is we start feeling we start having these experiences we're not used to which are called feelings and in many cases it comes out very unpredictive kind of behavior this is one of the reasons why we you know we come on strong and then disappear there's a back and forth we can be very volatile in our emotions and what I mean by volatile I don't mean physically volatile I mean internally volatile it's so confusing for many men myself included so what happens is his behavior is inconsistent we can be hot we can be cold all this stuff now you're probably thinking well gosh Jonathan I don't want to be in relationship with that kind of guy well yeah I get it and this is why I'm a big proponent that every human being begins a daily practice of personal development self-help and spiritual work listen I just shared with you three books three books you know that can begin the journey and when we do this work whether man or woman we become more secure and how we approach relationships and ladies you know I'm a big proponent of hey if you're gonna allow a penis into a vagina and I know some of you were offended by that and my apologies but if you're gonna have regular sex with a guy then start to introduce personal development as part of a regiment to help your relationship become stronger because this casual fantasy way that a lot of people expect relationships to happen through dumb luck dumb luck by the way I have a podcast if you're not familiar I have a podcast called the what would love do podcast you just go to Apple or my website to get and one of my upcoming episodes or actually by the time this video is out is called men fall in love through dumb luck because literally you men everybody is up is approaching the dating mating and relating process with dumb luck and I'm here to say when you introduce some really healthy personal development self-help and spiritual work along with the great books that I share with you you know eight dates getting the love you want the five love languages just to name a few are gonna help you prepare for a healthy happy relationship in what is luck luck is preparation meeting opportunity so I'm here to prepare you for this great relationship so you don't have to watch this video of trying to figure out how to get a guy closer to you if he's avoided because it's all bullshit it's not about bringing him closer to you it's about bringing yourself closer to yourself to love on yourself so you don't need someone to love you to feel good about yourself and if he doesn't need someone to love him to feel good about yourself and you're in a partnership you can go down this train track of I call partnership hopefully in a healthy happy place because here's the bottom line if you need to watch some of these videos to try to bring some closer to you it's almost already gonna fail bring yourself closer to you through self love and by the way the link to the book is right below you're gonna have a better chance of attracting what you want all right I said I'm helpful okay I think you get the gist of where I'm going like to hear your thoughts please post a question and do my best to read all of them and try to respond to many of them as well also if you're like pulling your hair out with some guy and you want some male perspective then schedule a link schedule hit the link below to schedule a discovery call with me because I am a master at helping you understand men from the male perspective and navigate communication and actually either help you improve your relationship or help you to move on to find the right guy okay I'm gonna wrap up this videos I always do first off giving myself a hug of self love I'm gonna give you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone next to you and give them a hug if you can because hugs are a great source of love and we all need more love in our lives thank you so much and wishing you a super duper wonderful fantastic day bye bye now