 began to spiral really into a time of anxiety and depression and self-rejection and as that went on it got heavier and heavier and when I was about 14 and 15 I turned to things like drinking and smoking and self-harm to try and make other people believe that I was still that joyous person I was before but I wasn't. As that progressed I in at the end of 2019 I had been addicted to nicotine for about six years every day was kind of just a battle I had ruined most of my relationships with my family my friends I just cried out to God I broke down knows it God I don't want to be like this I hate this I hate my life I don't want to be here if you really are this miracle working God that people say you are get me out of this break these chains fix this I can't get out