 It's taken weeks to complete this mystery machine. It's cost me time, unit resources, and a friend. It must be worth it. It must be. This will either save lives or doom us all. Fenton's right. I don't know what this stupid thing is or what it does. Who it'll save, who it'll doom. Maybe I should just stop whilst I can. But you've spent all this time on it. Why stop now? Ah, hello, Mr. Representative, sir. Um, I'm sorry, I just didn't expect to see you usually rustle. Gives me a heads up of when you'll be arriving, so... Oh, he doesn't need to know about all my comings and goings. Now, don't let me distract you. Going to try and stop me? Certainly not. You're just doing your job, after all. Well, it's just that last you were here, you sort of forbade this sort of thing from happening. Are you feeling okay? Better than ever. Now, the time disruptor. Someone needs to learn about personal boundaries. Wait, how do you... how do you know what this thing is called? I haven't... Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm the Time Lord Victoria and I'm going home. Oh, thank God I found it in time. If this fell into the wrong hands, did you try and build one of these? Maybe. Firstly, up you get. That's it, nice and slow. Secondly, who are you? Dr. Errol Courtney, head scientist at Unit HQ. Your clothes... are you? Colin Baker, Brigadier of Unit HQ, so you can salute, thanks. Sorry, I thought you were... someone else. I fear you're about to have a very confusing day, Dr. Courtney. I'll gladly explain our situation to you, but first, what's your story? You seem to know of that device, the thing that caused... that. This is no ordinary crack. This... look, do you have a team? I quite the sizable team personally, not a bri. But I'd hate to keep explaining this to multiple groups at a time. That sounds like my own personal hell. It's just me. No! Call them in. Everyone! Absolutely not! If this thing gets any worse, the whole... hell, the whole world could be at risk. It's higher stakes than just the world. Calling in. We're still on for a snack by now. But does anyone know how to get this sodding remote working? I'm still fucking pissed that this happened. This one is definitely a section, alright? Great walnuts are born inside. You do? Do you know why we're here? I don't know why. Okay, this is everyone. Well, all the companions and villains, but there's only so many people you can fit in our room. So the Doctor is a character in a TV show here? Yes indeed. But all you really need to know is, they are here and willing to help. I'll take it. Right, so everybody, listen up. My name is Doctor Errol Courtney, head scientist of Unit HQ. And as I understand it, you can all help with this... cosmic disaster. It's a hobby. More of a side effect of where we're forced to live. You said it, stepfather of mine! Hey, just... Okay. Roll call! Have we got a shooty Gatois? You could ignore him. Copy that. No! 1942, a bomb fell. And any history buffs in the room can tell you that that was in World War II. The height of the Blitz. This sounds weirdly familiar. I can tell you with confidence, dear boy, that many bombs fell during the Blitz. Some of them by me. Ah, but sir, this was no ordinary bomb. This was a time bomb. The Time Disruptor! Well, that's an advanced-looking prop for this series. We have to assume that liberties were taken. This was originally my universe's problem, but... Your colourful brigadier here decided to try and replicate this. Hence why it's spread to your universe. Yes, that was my bad, everyone. Well, let's build it again, but this time with no crappy Colin Craftsmanship. Oh, shut it, Pertwee. It's not helping. I fear that that would only damage things further. How do you mean... damaged? Brace yourselves, everyone. Some people who witness this... go a bit barmy. Behold! I've contained it behind this rudimentary PSG device. Thank you, Dr. Leason, you're a genius. The Kraken Time. Bit played out for the series, Jack. Get some new ideas. Oh, you may have done with Kraken Time before, but this... is no ordinary Kraken. This... is a... Time fracture! Yeah. You know of this strange anomaly? It was this, like, immersive show, linked to that Time Lord victorious multimedia crap. I remember I filmed stuff for it, and it started with unit telling you all this stuff... and then people get sent through it. Uh, yes, that was our plan. The Doctor sent us a list of volunteer names, and we were in the process of training them up to go through the fracture. I'm immediately in, but... I have to ask, what do you hope to achieve by throwing people into a gap in the Time Fortics? It was the Doctor's plan. Well, part of it at least. They never shared the rest. But we're not exactly ones to argue with unit's number one tactical asset, so... Jody, you said this was linked to the Time Lord victorious. Yeah, that all bombed hard, probably because it had Tenant as the focus and not yours truly. Oi! Deal with it, Mr. Quiff! I quit it. Leave my quiff alone! Stop bickering in unit HQ. I had it banned for a reason. But there is one other thing I need to mention. Quite large, in fact. The BBC representative... got sucked through. But it gets worse than that, you see. He was not himself. He had the Time Lord victorious entity controlling him. Well, this is bullet-attached! Okay, everybody calm down now, everybody shut the fuck up! Usually give them power and not do the removal, but this guy's water! Oh, this is not good of all. Ace of the Aces, here. Everyone, shut up! We can continue to correctly place the blame on Colin, or we can save time. Which sounds better to you? I mean, Colin did. I'll eat the room, Capaldi. Yeah, for that. This is no longer just about saving time. This is a rescue mission. We need to find and bring back the representative. And I think you are the one to lead the first team, if you would might. It was your doctor who sent us the list of volunteer names. Maybe that means you have the advantage, I don't know. Eh? I mean, yeah. Tots, let's fucking do it. Right, all right, get out of the way. Hi everyone, my name's Jordy Whitaker, and I... Oh, I suppose we can skip that bit, we all know each other. So, okay, here's my thinking. We can't all go up once, because that'd be fucking stupid, and also hard to fill, isn't it? So, small task force, led by yours truly. Any volunteers? Too eager. Absolutely not. Sniff! Oh, we're a great team! Ha! Yes! An excellent choice. Now, as a recommendation, was there anyone else involved in the Time Fracture project? Ooh, yeah, good idea. Captain Jack, I'm afraid he's not been seen since the Moffat incident. Ah, bugger. Also, like... Um, let's see. River Song! I wish I knew where that saucy minks has gone. Joe Martin? Best not. That just leaves David Bradley. Quite the effect of the time you've got there. One day, you'll see the time useful. Yes, they will. Until then, there must be no such routine. I shall be your third. Are you sure? Yes, and that's final. Besides, I want to help anyway. The representative is my friend. And I'm determined to get him back far more than David fucking Bradley! Wait, wait, wait! I'm coming too. If this really is about the victorious entity, then I'm your best asset! He was in my head for years. I know how to fight him. Are you sure you're up for this? If the victorious gets hold of you again... Trust me, who's to let anyone else suffer like I did? You will all have 20 minutes to return. If you're not back by then, I will send a brand new team in to assist you. Time! I completely trust them. They're not just idiots wearing charity shop clothes. I completely trust them. Are you all ready? Hell yeah! Highest! More than ever. This has become very real. Three... Two... One... Hallelujah! Wowzer! I just got a flashback to the series five trailer. We have no idea where we are. Could be our style. It's a very distinctive taste. 17th or 18th century. Beautiful. Don't worry, pick some stuff up. Well, the architecture is certainly... familiar. Fracture must be merging our universes together. Meaning what? Jack can get away with filming everything in the same flat. Oh, I see. Well, if this is the past, then we must tread lightly. Of course, no interfering unless absolutely necessary. Agreed. So, Jodie, you're the one with the knowledge of this play. What happens next? Okay, so, good news. I knew we'd teleport to the past. So, excellent. We're here. Bad news is... it's not supposed to be France. So, it's going wrong? It's hard to say. I'll be honest, I don't actually know much about the plot. But you're in it! I was more of a cameur. I only filmed at a green screen for a couple hours... when I called myself integral. You could have told us that before we entered the world-ending vortex! Probably worth staying back for now. You know, watch the clues before getting involved. Ah! So much for history. Excuse me, dear boy, are you quite all right? No, it's just that... Bill! Oh, my God, it's you! Prelentative! Oh, my dear boy, it is good to see you! Everyone, I found him! Well, well, well, this has been a very quick rescue. High fives all round. Quick, my arse! I've spent months here in this... stinking time period. Months? Haven't you been a couple hours since the fracture opened? Time is unrevelling. Happening all at once. You could say that it's... wibbly-wobbly. Timey-wimey. You certainly seem like yourself. Yes. But where's the victorious? It left my body the moment we got here, thank God. But we did share a mind for a time. So I know it's planned. He intends to find a more... useful host for this universe, and... Damn it! Exposition will have to wait, and... Oh, tenant humor. What? Why? Just stand there. Quiet, and everyone bow. Bow now. You all want to be executed. Lo, I forgot sake. Monsieur Zanamoisez. It is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure... that we welcome you tonight. And now, we invite you to bow. Do not relax, as the throne room gladly presents. My lady, how beautiful you are looking today. Our radio. Don't grovel down. Where's your friend? Who had him executed yesterday for... big in his nose. Yes, I did. Yes, fair to know. That's gross. What? It is. Who are these... oddly dressed peasants you have before me, Dudley? You know, I cannot bear strangers ever since my... beloved doctor disappeared on me. Mumble, woman! It is unbecoming, much like those trousers. So, I was right there. Well, these people, as I'm sure you've... correctly guessed with your superior intelligence... are not just random dance people I enjoy those, God forbid. They are, of course, suitors. Yes, suitors. The tit and the suit let you down. I feel that. It hurts the soul, but you know what you need? Right now. What? A damn good rebound. Intempting proposition? How to choose? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Please, you would not want to arm these people. They are royalty after all. With a bow around your neck. Is this true? Are you of royal blood? Oh, yes, I'm minted. All castles in every country, suits of armour and... stuff. And you? Are you a queen? Yeah, totes. Although, I do actually have a queen of my own already, so... Well, I did. I could stop clapping your dick head. It's so complicated, to be honest with you. And finally, you of frail form. I'm whatever you want me to be. Young lady. Yes, sorry. Hmm. Perhaps a game, then. Whomever can impress me... will have my heart. Out of the gutter. One is quite amused. But only one of you can have a person is... Lord Matthew, who shall be my husband. Or you will not be dis- short-hang on husband. That's of course. Come with me, my love. And we shall plan the most per- You're planning on running off, which means your head will have to take a permanent vacation from your shoulders. Coming, dear. You too, dadly. I may need someone to hold my frock. To me, the fuck out of here. To whilst I'm gone, find tenant and or the victorious entity. But most importantly, don't get involved with any side quests. And you, now to Da Vinci. At your service. Ninja Turtle. Now, where is Zariah? She just popped out for a... piss. We can collect whatever it is on her behalf. Very well. I'm happy to be rid of it if I'm being honest with you. Might I ask why? Since working on Zariah's designs, it seems to have attracted some... unwanted attention. You can forget them now, as they do seem to keep their distance. Now, which one of these is the designer? No chance you've seen a fella about. He's like, yeah, hi. Not so handsome. Hair so spiky. A porcupine would see it as a mirror. That kind of thing. No, I'm afraid not. Here's what you've designed for her. Ah, yes! I'm a magnum opus. This should help with what's happening to time. What's in your piss? The silent artist... handed over. Oh, so you want to fight, do you? That seems a tad unfair. Can I have one, too? We can be called the gunslingers. Do you want a hole in your head? You're acting like you want a hole in your head. Okay, you are so clearly evil. You are not getting these plans. I'm not evil. I am a hero and I will save my world. Now give me the plans. Okay, easy, Zariah. Da Vinci is too important to Earth's history. You can't shoot him. Earth's history is nothing compared to my world's survival. Poor someone not evil. You're not doing a good job at sharing it, dear girl. Gallifrey... Rises! For Rassela! He's a time lady. And worse than that, she's a Rasselon purist. Oh, we are in trouble, Bill. You don't get to call me that. No, she wants to affix time as she said so herself. She promised me. Explain to me. What have I done? There's no time, but look. You are brilliant, Da Vinci. Just know that you are brilliant. Maybe stick to painting. Come on, Bill. Wait, wait, wait! Good day, humans. No chance you've seen any time ladies about, have you? I'm afraid you just missed her. Noodle mouth. I've been called worse. Have a splendid day. Well, uh... Now back into my magnum opus. I know this handwriting. Where have you been? I thought you ran back home without us. Oh, be calm, my boy. We were only gone a few moments. It's been a year. Did you at least find Tennant? No, but we did. Later, the wedding's about to start. Sense a light shake. We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of King Matthew Smith and Pompadour, who have taken the liberty of consummating the marriage many times before the ceremony. Damn right. I'm gonna throw up. Agreed. We can't just stand here. We've got to find Zariah. I've got a feeling she'll be here soon. What makes you say that? Well, remember the five doctors? No. Oh, right. See what's on her head? That's not just any old crown. That is the coronet of Rassilon. And if our friend Zariah is the Rassilon purist she appears to be, then she's gonna want to have that. She might wish to tell Ginny over there. Good idea. I love you, Renette. The way your eyes glisten in the moonlight as we walk the streets of Prairie. Your voice is silky smooth as the linen of our benches. And your beautifully round bottom. But my vow to you is that I will love you until the end of time itself. Which is a distinct possibility. Come on then. So that's how you tell someone you love them. And do you, Marie Antoinette, have any vows in return? I vow to never cut your head off. Even if you annoy me. Before we pronounce you husband and wife, it is customary for me to say if anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever. Stop this wedding now. David. Sorry. You. You mini love cock. You dare show your face here. Renette. Oh, are you two? That's nice. Your Majesty, you have what is rightfully ours. McGann Crompton. Her Majesty will be upgraded. All rogue elements will be deleted. Delete. Delete.