 transcribed good evening this is ronald kohman inviting you to join mrs. kohman and me for the next half hour when our sponsor the joseph schlitz brewing company of milwaukie wisconsin presents the halls of ivy beer do as millions of people are doing all over the country ask for schlitz the beer that made milwaukie famous so let's taste so good to so many people that it's the largest selling beer in america it has to be fine to be first welcome again to ivy ivy colleagues that is in the town of ivy usa it's one of those nights that makes home a real haven dr. william tart hunter hall present of ivy is thankful to be home at last after a dinner meeting at the board to don his dressing gown and slippers and join his wife victoria before the fireplace that's better now blow winds and crack your cheeks rage blow you cataracts and hurry can spout till you have drenched our steeple make it use a couple more shingles and our steeple i've got three pans cat in the water in the kitchen well did you have a boisterous evening with the boys rather let us say a boring meeting with the board all their dinner meetings follow the same revolting pattern first the preliminary and quite false inquiry into one another's health with no one listening to the answers then a few firm opinions of our national administration and then a fruit cocktail ah the good old fruit cocktail without which any dinner party would be a much happier one oh it's not the fruit cocktail i object to in fact i rather like it no it's that uh that inevitable omnipresent unavoidable and uninspired one half of a maraschino cherry why a half can't anyone afford a whole maraschino cherry now the fruity resources of this plundered planet so far reduced now it's a matter of stability darling you know whole ones roll around a half cherry stays put i know but i couldn't keep my mind on the business side why not that half of a cherry i counted the members present nine of us nine half cherries or four and a half cherries accounted for where was the other half of a cherry what are they saving it for a fruit cake oh do they think that i i'll take it that that that'll be something wellman just remember that he should have said at the meeting but didn't hello dr hall speaking evening dr hall this is warren oh good evening professor how are you satisfactory say maybe you can do me a favor you know a passage from satana about life flowing and stuff which begins uh seeds blood and tears of liquid it's vaguely familiar you got satana in your house yes yes i'm sure there's one tucked away in the library good some light-fingered member of the lizurati bard mine i don't remember who eight o'clock class tomorrow morning you mind if i totter over and pick up your copy well i'd be delighted to see you professor but in a storm like this only the wayward daughters of stern fathers are being driven out but if you if you want to hold on a minute i'll read the passage to you fine fine if it's not too much bother none at all just hold on i'll talk to him while you hunt toddy he's my oldest boyfriend good mickey hello professor warren why good evening mrs hall where have you been hiding you promised to drop by and see us during the holidays now i've got a lot of blank paragraphs in my diary all my apologies mrs hall but you see i usually crawl into solitude on such occasions christmas i hang up an old sock and put a horn in it which i take out a new years eve have you read over here i i never heard you blow your own horn professor you can put that down to natural shyness and shortness of wind lady not to any lack of conceit excuse me professor yes toddy have you seen santa yana lately well no dear we'll call you back professor warren all right yeah there's a philosopher named santa yana lost in our library and we're forming a potty all right bye here we are oh oh did you hang up i just found it oh now if i can locate that that passage it must be in the um essay on let me see some oh oh here here it is now what's his phone number well that's odd i've called him up often enough well i'll look it up oh wait wait cedar 2655 no that doesn't sound like it i remember that much too easily it must be wrong of course i i know it's ridiculous and it's the last thing anybody would ever be caught at and i'm a flighty woman even to suggest it but how about trying the phone book oh no not for warren he'd insist on being unlisted if he were the head of the fire department well let's find out i like to look through the phone directly anyway the one book i can lay down anytime without wondering what happens next um for me for not for now we'll pack here uh here we are warren warren is it joseph yeah that's right joseph warren so he isn't listed name any here he is joseph warren cedar 7211 ah good thank you darling cedar c e what was that cedar what oh toddy now oh knock oh pack warren cedar 7 7 2 2 1 1 1 hello hello uh sorry to have kept you waiting have you got a pencil handy sure shoot all right here it is uh seeds blood and tears are liquid nothing else is so poignant as what passes and flows like music and love if this irreparable fluidity is sad anything stark and arrested is sadder life is compelled to flow and things must flow with it or like lot's wife in the petrified gesture of refusal remain to muck their own hopes that's what you wanted isn't it what's wife over the gag anytime but i'm rushed tonight see there's six customers waiting and six warren burgers on the griddle warren burgers to whom am i talking this is joe warren steiner i i'm sorry nothing tonight thank you wrong warren yes this one sells something called warren burgers a banquet in a bun a wager there's not half a maraschino cherry within sneering distance sounds interesting i was how you didn't order a couple well i thought of it believe me but first things first darling what is professor warren's phone number oh it must be somewhere in your desk let's look now cedar cedar i'm sure it was cedar hey or was it walnut or maple was it evergreen or deciduous yes here's your address book rstvw and ah professor j warren 82 piazza babarini roam italy oh now that's a leftover from warren's sabbatical leave in 1937 now wait here here's a i'm up i'll go ah professor warren evening dr hall mrs hall come in professor you must be frozen in the recent jargon of our undergraduates baby it's cold outside thank you we'll sit down well i'm sorry you had to walk over in this weather professor i was trying to get you on the phone yes i know you see burges always takes over the moment i hang up you should see my phone bill you'd think i was the voice of america uh burges the who's he's he's a her oh miss purges she's my housekeeper i'm willing her to the smithsonian institute they'll hang her up on the ceiling under the port wing of the spirit of st louis did you find your santa anna as i did and the quotation good that's worth two blocks in the blizzard well now that she's here take off your coat and mittens and stay a while thank you mrs hall i want to speak to you too anyway you busy saturday night no i uh i i don't think so are we bicky well the uh browning society wanted you to read for them let them get browning they've had guest speakers deader than he is well it appears we have a free evening good i thought we might have a quiet dinner just the three of us at tony's out on the river road you know i'm leaving ivy next month leaving a william you didn't tell me i was hoping he wouldn't i've made him an offer to stay on mrs hall i am superannuated in navy parlance i'm to be decommissioned coated with cosmoline and nudged up the river to join the rest of the mothball fleet i am disqualified because of old age oh now you know it's not a question of disqualification professor the retirement age is automatic it's certainly wrong in your case but regulations are never made for exceptions and you're always an exception aren't you professor warren why you've built quite a reputation on it mrs hall i've always believed that if you travel with the crowd you're liable to get your mind picked but i think this retirement thing might be a good idea in my case out of sheer inertia i'd probably have stayed on here to let dried up and blew around the campus dirtying the front steps of clarence wellman hall and rainy afternoons well in that case the there would be more brains outside than inside now what are your plans professor nothing definite might go to tibet tibet that forbidden land with a foreign devil is not permitted to set foot unless he is one of four thousand writers with camera and ballpoint pen who goes home and writes a book on how impossible it would be for anybody else to do what he did personally i wouldn't go any place i had to get to on a high llama don't you mean a low llama vicky you visit the high one before you ride off into the sunset professor i want to ask a favor you will help professor dickinson get acquainted with your department won't you you know he's just getting settled and there'll be a lot you can tell him yes there's plenty i could tell professor dickinson if he'd listen but he's not interested in my ideas and frankly i don't like his either since you put it that way frankly perhaps it's just as well to skip it it is just as well we'd wind up behind the science building a dawn pistols for two and breakfast for one i've taken up enough of your evening just hand me macotone mittens and i'll be on the way here you are thank you no no mrs hall don't come to the door you'll freeze good night good night professor don't forget about saturday doctor about seven oh thanks very much we'll be looking forward to it good night good night i love that man but he never stays put he just gets started talking and then he pops up and runs off now you know i never dreamt it was possible that warren could reconcile himself to retirement so easily he's an old war horse and i thought he'd die rather than leave his table oh toddy here's the santa yana he's forgotten to take all you better give it to me i'll drop it by his house now where did i put my overshoot oh you're not going out in this weather yes i am i've been thinking seriously about those banquets on buns those warren burgers and i've come to a decision oh well that's quite different make it do with everything darling you hurry back here again huh i beg your pardon oh i thought it was the professor who is it isn't professor warren in you haven't answered my question yet who are you well i'm dr hall mrs budges oh that's different i know you come in doctor well i thought the professor was over to your house well he was i thought he was coming back here oh that man out gallivant around the town for half the night again he'll catch his death for the last month he's been wandering around ivy at all hours of the night like he'd never seen it before ah professor warren has a deep affection for ivy then why are you throwing him out good heavens we're not throwing him out mrs budges none of us want to see him go but after all how can you blame him for wanting to travel and and see some of the world now that he has the freedom to do so see the world why he hasn't even got bus fare from here to kansas city he hasn't well since you know so much about him perhaps you can tell me what his real plans are he's moving in with his sister and a no good husband up at rock county he's got no place else to go do you think he's too old for his job too no he's merely too old for our regulations well that needn't mean the end of things there's a place for him here at ivy he can be a visiting professor as long as he'll stay but you know as well as we do that nobody's ever been able to force him to do anything it must be his choice well i know one thing he can't just sit here look out the wind at the cemetery where he'll be buried someday only he won't be buried says he wants to be cremated in emerson hall cremated in emerson hall yes says it'll be the first time he was ever warm in that building when there's beer on your mind your best thought is schlitz the beer that made milwaukee famous more people like the taste of schlitz than any other beer that's why schlitz is the largest selling beer in america it was garity the great poet of a bygone day who said one ought every day at least to hear a little song read a good poem see a fine picture and if it were possible to speak a few reasonable words taking our cue from mr. garity let's speak a few reasonable words in the subject of beer in beer as in a poem a picture or a song there can be no substitute for quality and there can be no higher tribute to the quality of schlitz beer than this so many people like the taste of schlitz so well that they've made it the largest selling beer in america yes the taste of schlitz is winning more and more new friends every day so if it's been some time since you've tasted schlitz beer you owe yourself that pleasure again next time ask for schlitz the beer that made milwaukee famous then you too will discover it has to be fine to be first as we return to ivy dr. and mrs. hall are the dinner guests of professor warren at a roadhouse a few miles outside of town how am i doing mrs. hall i bet you didn't know a dance so divinely did you the first chance you'll give me to find out well it's not something i usually talk about but i once wanted to be a ballet dancer twinkle toes warren the boy in the velvet pants you you paint a lovely picture what stopped you too many feet in a more rational moment i swapped my patent at the pumps for a set of flutarch what happened to the boy who got the pumps he owns a filling station outside of baltimore that's fate i guess if you're born to the pumps you're gonna get them oh say i'm sorry that's over dibs on the next waltz mrs. hall by all odds the most talented couple on the floor there was a time dr. hall when iran castle was my favorite dancer but in her foxiest trot day she couldn't hold a candle to your wife iran castle how long ago was that oh don't ask me for any contemporary gates mrs. hall dates i mean if you asked me for those of constantine theodosius i could give them to you but as far as my own personal chronicle goes i don't even know what year i was born what you do for wait a minute and how do you know you're a 65 i don't never had a birth certificate but if i did i lost it during the first world war when i had to produce one i discovered that the town hall of centerville ohio had long since burned down so i just picked a good round birth year now i'm stuck with it looks like it was not a winning number either oh i'm not so sure professor you've just set your clock back i'll take this up with the board of governors tomorrow for all anybody knows you're a boy of 21 well thanks doctor thank you very much but it's no good i don't think i'd enjoy borrowed time time is community property help yourself no i appreciate your good intentions but you don't know how well off you're going to be without me this professor dickinson there's a boy you won't have any trouble with he'll go to all the teas make all the proper little speeches be nice to all the right people all the social amenities here are well enough taken care of but the heart of ivy is the classroom and that's where your heart has always been right now my heart's in the highlands why you you told us you were going to mexico city are all points though well i i've changed my plans again i've decided to go down to rio first thought i might get myself a cabana on the beach and just bask in the sun funny thing i don't believe i've ever basked well i admit the the prospect is very attractive with all the snow we've had this winter well when you're approaching winter yourself that's the time you start looking for summer everywhere that's why i'm heading south i say i'm a fine host spending the whole evening talking about myself here let me fill your glasses it's milk from contented vineyards thank you well well here's a toast courtesy of thorough to him whose elastic and vigorous thought keeps pace with the sun the day is a perpetual morning good morning everybody doctor hall may i please have this dance of course darling will you excuse us professor well this one you may have doctored but remember the walls is mine toddy we can't let him leave ivy yes but how to make him stay yes if only he won't be so gay about it all be much more like him to get into a fury at you and ivy and everybody letting him go we don't want to let him go we're only wiki that's the answer you've given me the only good idea i've had all day you think they'd throw us out if i kissed you well if they do you can kiss me again on the sidewalk excuse me professor i'm on the phone vicky yes go ahead professor dickinson and what did he say he did well so far so good you've been very cooperative professor and we're all obliged to you as long as you're willing to be the heavy i think we can make professor warren see the light yes yes i'll let you know goodbye vicky i think we're in for a big win that's what we wanted wasn't it but we still don't know which way it's going to blow dickinson's already got the first blast and it came from the expected direction he said it was a real twister oh by the way darling you wanted me to remind you did you send the telegram which one for the one hundredth anniversary of northwestern university oh yes i sent one to rocky miller and wonder president daniel marsh of boston university it's his silver anniversary and he's retiring what did you say did you quote washington's farewell to his men quote so long fellas unquote no no i said and i quote dear dan hail and farewell on your silver anniversary expect you to be snapped up immediately by private industry as the inventor of a silver product that can never be tarnished walrus regards bill hall oh that's nice yes i'll get it yes good morning i'd like to see the president i'm miss birders your mrs hall pleased to meet you heard a lot about you all good william there's someone here miss birders well good morning won't you sit down i'll just come over to let you know that the professors leave along the three o'clock train today you've got to stop this bird is that's exactly what we're hoping to do hope never stop the railway pain are you just going to sit back here and do nothing or professor warren has an excellent mind of his own uh and now we'll undoubtedly hear him speak a piece of that mind you mean he's here unless the wind's changed he's at the door right now vicki vicki you and mrs birders run for cover yes come into the kitten with me until the weather clears up just a local disturbance well professor warren come in come in you might as well know a doctor all i have a ticket on the three o'clock train out here today but something happened this morning a thing called dickinson no something happened to professor dickinson something happened the man's lost his mind have you any idea what that lemon head is planning to do to my history department yes i'm aware of his plan you're not going to let him get away with it why don't understand what you mean i have the highest esteem for professor dickinson both as a scholar and as an administrator oh you have have you uh-huh well that's your job i guess you got to please everybody professional etiquette well i don't work here anymore and i can speak my mind if that man goes ahead with what he's doing well that's the end if you think it's that serious professor i think you should give me more specific reasons he's chopping the whole curriculum up into little bitty pieces there isn't one single class to put them all together so they make any sense what's history history is continuity some people claim that history is a bunch of lies agreed upon and maybe it is but even so without continuity without relevance history is a bunch of dates on cornerstones and names on tombstones yes yes yes i know that professor and i don't believe dickinson would have any quarrel with it and why hasn't he scheduled at least one class and the meaning and interpretation of history oh as i understand it he is omitting such a class at the present primarily because there is no one available here to teach it accordingly he is going to concentrate on a more thorough grounding in the basic sauce material sauce material my aunt mabel's bustle i know what he's really up to he's a toin b man well i'm not now don't sell toin b short he's probably the outstanding historian of our time i didn't say it wasn't any good just don't agree with him and i'd hate to see ivy's history department represent only one point of view that's not learning it's memorizing well i don't want any department at ivy to present only one point of view well however if there is no one here to replace you and your approach i can't expect him to teach history your way well he's got three men in that department that could take over they already have assignments oh they have uh-huh so dickinson is going to muzzle them with that source material nonsense of his you think i'd enjoy basking on the beach at rio knowing this was going on that the kids here were only getting one side of a subject your offer still go of course i've never withdrawn it i can stay on no permanent status no strings attached that's right all right then i'm back welcome home my friend i'll tell dickinson to schedule your course but naturally i won't say anything about your opinion of his you know he knows him now i'm off gotta beat it down the station get a refund on my ticket the fair to uh south america you know is not just coat hangers uh goodbye professor so long say hello to mrs hall last evening was very pleasant i wish i could say as much for this morning dickinson is a lousy dancer i couldn't share everything toddy but he certainly sounded angry he got so angry he decided to stay here at ivy how do you feel ruthless conniving despicable and delighted oh i can't tell you how glad i am doctor the professor sounded like his old self he hasn't hollered that loud the whole year how'd you ever do it oh i just went back 65 years in my time machine hasn't burned down the city all in centipede ohio with all the birth records doctor for a firebug you burn a real hot match thank you mrs burges officiating at the accouchment of professor warren's new birth date makes me feel a little like a statistical midwife but uh i'm glad he'll spend his newfound youth with us it seems as saboteur rally said that history has triumphed over time when there's beer on your mind your best thought is schlitz the beer that made milwaukey famous more people like the taste of schlitz than any other beer that's why schlitz is the largest selling beer in america again our mr and mrs ronald colvin good night everyone night next week at this same time at the halls of ivy starring mr mrs ronald colvin the other players were verna felton artha q bryan and sydney miller tonight's script was written by barber and milton merlin and don quinn the halls of ivy was created by don quinn directed by net wolth and presented transcribe with the jaws of schlitz growing company of no walkie wisconsin who invites you to enjoy the poor surprise playhouse on television on friday nights and carpenter speaking