 Craft presents the Great Gilder Sleeves. Each week at this time from Hollywood, California, Craft presents Harold Perry as the Great Gilder Sleeve, written by Leonard L. Levinson. We'll hear from the Great Gilder Sleeve in just a moment. But first, remember the saying, an army marches on its stomach. Well, nowadays, battles are won not by armies alone, but by entire populations. For total defense, we all must have plenty of the right kind of food. That means wholesome nourishing food, food that produces the energy we use up in hard work and play. That's why Parquet Margarine, the quality margarine made by Craft, should be an important item on your shopping list. Because Parquet Margarine is an economical source of important food elements we all need. Parquet Margarine not only has delicious flavor that makes it a favorite for table use, baking, and pan frying, Parquet Margarine is a highly nutritious food, one of the best energy food you can serve. What's more, every pound of Parquet contains 9,000 units of important vitamin A. So why not give your family the benefits of this wholesome nourishing food and start serving them Parquet Margarine now? They'll like its flavor. You'll know it's good for them. So tomorrow, ask your dealer for Parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. And now let's visit our friend the Great Gilder Sleeves. My goodness, Bertie, the ashtrays are all empty for once. What is this, some special occasion? For me it is, Mr. Gilder Sleeves. I'd like to have the evening off. Oh, is this your night to leave early? No, sir, but I'd sort of like to get an advance on next week's night off. Oh, yeah. Any reason why not, Margarine? Not at all. Go ahead, Bertie. Thanks. I wouldn't ask the only we's got spectacular things the night down at our lodge. That's the mysterious and bewildering orders of the daughters of clear patron. Yeah, our Bertie's the head of Sphinx. Not no more, Leroy. I's now the exhausted ruler of the Pyramid. Yes. I's been promoted. Yeah, I see. Does that make you the head man? No, sir. I's practically a storeway on the royal barge of the ancient Nile. And ahead of me comes the major domus of the outer chamber of the Inner Sanctum. Yeah. Then the chief searching in the Bullrushes for the daughters of Pharaoh. Oh, yes. And above her comes the royal rejector of delinquent daughters. Well, isn't there a queen, Bertie? Mr. Gilder Sleeves and our organization, every gal is a queen. Oh, my pardon. What are you holding tonight, Bertie, an initiation? No, ma'am. It's the red, white, and blue fish fry in order to, you know, to honor a group of our vistas and soldier boys. Oh, yeah. The daughters of clear paper are all 100% Americans. Well, that's a fine thing, Bertie, entertaining your soldier friends. Yes, sir. We've even hired a military jitterbug band. The brown-skinned, boogie-woogie bugle boy. Well, it goes right ahead. And if you want to take anything from the pantry for the fish fry, help yourself, Bertie. You may want to broil a couple of cans of sardines. Yes, sir. Thank you very much, Mr. Gilder. Yeah, that's all right. Say, Yonk, you know something? Lee Roy, I wish you wouldn't keep using that expression. Of course I know something, but what is it? It's going to be about a thousand soldiers in Summerfield over Thanksgiving. Yes? Let me see. Yeah, here it is. Well, a city will play host to 32nd Regiment Thursday. USO urges all citizens to invite army men to dinner. That's what I mean. Can we have a soldier for our Thanksgiving dinner, Uncle Mord? Lee Roy, you sound like a cannibal. Lee Roy, you mean can we invite a soldier to come to dinner? Yes, and I think it's a splendid idea. Oh, then we're going to have one? Why, of course. When I think of all those boys, many of them so far away from home, it takes me back to the lonesome Thanksgiving I spent in an army hospital back in 1918. Gee, Yonk, I never knew you were wounded. Well, it's something I never talk about. What happened to you, Uncle Mord? I was kicked by a mule. In the customary place. That mule kicked me so high they gave me a pilot's license. You know, I spent three weeks in bed flat on my stomach. In those days, I had a flat stomach. But remember, kitties, never mention a word of this to anybody. It's still a painful subject. Even now, I twitch when I pass a mule. Gee, Uncle Mord, where did this happen in France? No, Lee Roy in Missouri. I was buying mules for the army. Sort of talent scout for jackasses. Well, anyway, I got 9,000 of them before one of them got me. You don't know anything about mules. Oh, yes, Lee Roy. I had quite an asinine education. Yeah, but that was a long time ago. Let's forget it, children. Yeah. Does that paper say how we go about inviting a soldier for dinner? Inviting? Let me see. Oh, yes, here it is. Patriotic families who wish to share their Thanksgiving dinner with members of the army are requested to be at Bacon Square, opposite the city hall, before noon Thursday, to pick up their dinner guests. The army men will be Bivwack at the square. What's Bivwack, Uncle? Bivwack is a place where barking dogs are cooled off in pup tents. Yes, I gotta remember that. Also that word. It's very simple. Just one more for dinner, sis. You can drive down in the morning and pick up one of the boys, Uncle. Gee, that's gonna be keen. Yeah, we better ask Birdie if it's all right with her first, though. Oh, Birdie! That woman's wasting her time as a cook. She could get a job as an airplane detector. Say, I have a better idea. Let's have a real celebration. We'll get a couple of extra turkeys and invite 8 or 10 boys. 8 or 10? Won't that be too much trouble, Marjorie? Oh, no. I'll ask some of my girlfriends to come over. Girlfriends? Oh, by all means. That'll be jolly for the soldiers, too. Oh, gee. Uncle, the whole idea sounded great till you brought in the girls. Do we have to have girls? Why not, LeRoy? What's wrong with them? Jeepers, don't you think those soldiers are doing enough for their country as it is without wasting their day off with a bunch of silly girls? And in conclusion, fellow citizens of Summerfield, let me urge you once more on the eve of Thanksgiving to open your hearts and your homes tomorrow to the soldiers visiting our fair city. Yep. Quit popping your bubblegum, LeRoy. Especially while I'm rehearsing my radio speech. I'm sorry, Uncle. I'm doing it unconscious. Yes, I'm sure you are. Young man, if you keep playing with your gum that way, someday you're going to have a blowout. And remember, you haven't got a spare face. Finish your talk, please, Uncle Mort. Well, I don't need to rehearse it anymore, Marjorie. I know that speech backwards. You do? Backwards? LeRoy, you keep that up and you're going to get some applause backwards. I think it's wonderful of you, Uncle Mort, to go on the air tonight and urge everyone to entertain the soldiers. Well, people have always told me I should be on the radio. They say I sound just like that fellow who used to be with Piper McGee and Molly. Probably some of the girls now. Oh, wonderful. We're going to meet Betty Wilkins and Mildred Sherman. Hello. How are you? What lovely friends you have, Marjorie. You should invite them here oftener. Much oftener. Oh, thank you, Mr. Gildersley. Not at all, my dear. I've always had an eye for redheads. But Uncle Mort, last year she was a blonde. I see. She's got a convertible top. I don't think you're simply too tremendous starting these soldier parties. Oh, he ain't so tremendous as that sooty's wearing. Well, I like him just the way he is, especially that straight military bearing. After all, he was an army man, you know. He was? What bench of the service were you in? You flew, didn't you? Uh, for a short time. A plane, did you use? A plane? It's an old Jenny. And you were wounded, too, weren't you? Oh, dear. Whereabouts were you wounded, Major Gildersley? At the front. Yes, that's right. In Jefferson City, Moe. But even so, you were lucky to have recovered. Yes. Everybody said I had a horseshoe in my hip pocket. I didn't get rid of it either, to lay operated. You were going in the army when you weren't flying, Major. Well, I was sort of a recruiting officer. Yes. Brought more than 9,000 recruits into the field artillery alone. I got a kick out of it, too. It must have been a lot of fun. Fun? Well, only at the beginning, my dear. I got awfully tired in the end. Uncle, isn't it time for you to go to the radio station? I George, you're right, Major. You want to come along? Well, I'd like to, Uncle, but I got a little surprise on my own for tomorrow. I'm going over to Piggy Banks' house. Oh, say, while you're there, Leroy, remind Piggy's sister, Penny, about coming tomorrow. If you mean that Piggy Banks has a sister named Penny Banks? Yes. Uh-huh. She was named after Aunt Penelope, who lived in Indiana. Addy is one of the... Don't tell me, Marjorie, I know one of the Banks of the Warbanks. Well, I don't know me, Paul. What you want with it? I need it for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Oh, you got the wrong instrument. On Thanksgiving, you play with drumsticks. Uh-huh-huh. Now, beat it. The reason I wanted it is because we're going to have a lot of soldiers for dinner. So what? We're having our cousin Rockwell. He's a city alderman. Oh, what's a measly old alderman? My uncle used to be a big shot in the army. He was a major in the Missouri mules. What do you mean? Oh, that's what they called his outfit. Say, he recruited the toughest, meanest, brightness outfit that ever come out of Missouri. What kind of outfit was it? Uh, a field artillery. You know, the cannon ears with hairy ears. Do they really have hairy ears? Oh, brother. I still can't see that this guy needs to do his bar in my bugle. Gee, you're dumb. I got to make these soldiers feel at home so they can enjoy the turkey dinner. I'm going to blow mess coal on your bugle. Oh, I get you. That's a keen idea of me, Paul. Now will you lend it to me? Sure. Well, there's only one thing I got to do. What's that? I got to learn how to play a bugle. Those turkeys sure look good, Birdie. You don't happen to have a spare leg, do you? No, sir, but I sure could use one with all the running around I've got to do. No, Birdie, I mean a spare turkey leg. No, sir. I ain't going to subdivide none of them birds before the zero hour. And when I serve them, they're going to be intact. A thing of beauty and a joy for about two minutes. Yeah. How about some stuffing, then? Nobody's going to do no stuffing, no how, till everybody does. Yes. And that includes stuffing yourself with stuffed olives, too. Oh, yeah. You talking to me? Yes, sir. I've hardly got enough olives now to sell out a welcome 30-second regimen into mashed potatoes. Come on, Lord. Huh? People have been coming to the door all morning asking for soldiers for dinner, just because you went on the radio last night. Yeah, but I told them to go down to Bacon Square. Jumping jeeps, what's that? Oh, it sounded like it came from the living room. Well, it can't be anything serious. Then again, maybe it can. I'll find out right away. Does that press call sound more like a moose call? And won't you, too? Time. All I need is practice. I heard in school that Grace Moore practices six hours a day. Yeah, a lot of good it does her. I bet she still can't play the bugle. Well, it's a sweet thought, Leroy, even if your music is sour. Oh, there's a doorbell. I'll get it, folks. Yeah? Excuse me, please. Is this the gentleman who was speaking last night by the radio from Soldiers for Thanksgiving? Yes, madam. They'll permit me to introduce myself. Mrs. Shapiro, glad to meet you. How do you do, Mrs. Shapiro, glad to meet you? What can I do for you? Well, I got right now in the oven a nice young kosher toy key and I am wanting a soldier who is likewise. Yes. I'm sorry, Mrs. Shapiro, but I haven't anything to do with these soldiers officially. You'll find them down at Bacon Square. Please. If the soldier boy I'm looking for is at Bacon Square, then he's not the soldier boy I'm looking for. Goodbye. You better get going, it's almost 12. All right, as soon as I get my coat and hat. And Leroy. Leroy, come on, if you're going downtown with me. I can't. Stop that for a little. Young man, what are you doing swimming around in my old army uniform? He ain't. That's part of the surprise. How do I look? You and the mothballs look fine. Oh, most reach for the floor and back. Oh, I'm sorry, girls. But I couldn't get into that uniform if it were three times as big as it is now and I was twice as small as I am. Which would still be half again as large as the suit would be if it were double the size of what it is now, which it isn't, thank goodness. Because if it was, I'd have to wear it and I can't because it doesn't fit. With all those girls coming over to our house this afternoon, I'm going to have to ask for about 12 soldiers instead of eight. Oh, that'll be super, Uncle. Say, look at all those tents. Gee, where are all the soldiers? Oh, they must be inside. Say, you don't think they've all been invited out already, do you? Leroy, you get the most fantastic ideas. Hello, where is everybody? Eh, how do you knock on a pup tent? Oh, my goodness, nobody home. Leroy, get away from that cannon before it goes off and takes you with it. Why did we wait so long? If all these pup tents are empty, I'm certainly going to be in the dog house. Hey, Uncle Mort, here comes a soldier. Shall we invite them? Oh, yes, of course. Oh, soldier. Yeah? How would you like to come over to my house for dinner now? Well, I don't know. We're going to have a... Hey, wait a minute. You leave this boy alone. He's coming home to dinner with me. Yes, that's so. Don't you try to rustle my recruit? I saw him first. Oh, no, you didn't. I saw him first. You did not. I saw him at least 20 seconds before you did. Mr. I saw this boy 20 years before you did. He's my son. You. Come on, boy. Mom's waiting. Yeah, Mom's waiting. Oh, my goodness. Leroy, if I don't bring back a bevy of boys for that gang of girls, my goose will be cooked instead of my turkeys. Hey, let's look on this big tent. Maybe somebody's here. Oh, hello, Mr. Hello. Uh-huh. This is the mess tent, Leroy. Hello, Sergeant. Leroy, this is the mess, Sergeant. Where can I find some of your boarders, Sergeant? They've deserted me. And after I've been working my fingers to the bone over a hot stove all morning. Oh. You mean they've all been invited to the homes already? Everybody, including my dishwashers. Oh, Leroy, we're sunk. You're sunk? What about me? 50 gallons of the finest Tokyo LR King made from a special recipe created by Prudence Penny. 20 dozen dainty Parker House rolls that couldn't be topped by Parker House himself. And 32 mince pies made out of the tenduist part of the mince. Yeah. Well, I can sympathize with you, Sergeant, but maybe you can help us. How? Well, it just so happens that we've gotten ourselves into something of a mess, Sergeant. We have three turkeys and almost a dozen beautiful girls at our house just waiting to entertain some soldiers. Yeah. You should see the cookies that are waiting for the rookies. You'd have a wonderful time at our house, Sergeant. How about taking off that apron and coming with us? I'm sorry, sir, but I'm on duty. Yeah? Like the captain of a ship, everybody else can leave. But I got to get down with me pipes. Hey, that's too bad. Come on, Uncle. Before you go, I've got just one slight request I'd like to make. Would you please take a taste of my takey-a-locking? Well, I don't think I... Oh, come on. Just one teensy-weensy little taste, just so I didn't labor all morning in vain. Yeah. Here. Conscientious isn't he, Leroy? Well, thank you. Uh, you have some, son? Thank you, but it is for my appetite for dinner. And I've been saving this appetite for a week. How do you like it, mister? Well, I think I'll have a little more. Come on, come on. We got to dig up some soldiers. You're right, Leroy. Are you sure you won't come with a serge? No, buddy. Duty is duty. And besides, the colonel would be sure to catch me if I sneaked out. Oh, the colonel. I'll bet he's got a few soldiers up his sleeve. Where can I find him? Way over there at the other end of the square. Sitting in his tent. Yes, sir. Well, come on, Leroy. We'll lay our troubles in his lap. Yes, yes. I'm Colonel Atterbury. What can I do for you? Colonel, my name is Gilda Sleeves. Oh, yes. Very unusual name. What can I do for you? Colonel? Colonel? I... I have a lovely big home, a wonderful cook, and a dozen of the sweetest girls in Summerfield. What? No boys? No. That's a trouble. No boys. We get all prepared to entertain 10 or 12 soldiers at dinner today. And when I come down to pick them up, what do I find? No soldiers. Not a single, solitary, rear-ranked, third-assistant, but private. Well, I'm sorry. Sorry, he gargles. Hi, George. This is a pretty pickle for our army to get itself caught over a barrel in two. Yeah. And after I've been practicing mess calls all day too. Yes, the poor little fellow almost blew his brains out. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, Mr. Gilda Sleeves. Gilda Sleeves. So I think I know you from some place. Yes? Yes, I can place your face, but your manners are awfully familiar. Yeah. Well, never mind. As soon as some of our men return, I'll send them out to your house. That's just the old brush off. I'm just stubborn enough to stay right here. Stubborn. That's it. I've got it. Mules. That's where I know you from. You were stuck again, Gilda Sleeves, the officer who bought more bad mules than the whole artillery could shake a stick at. Why you... Don't pay the attention to the way he jokes, Leroy. Great kidders, these army men. Well, Colonel, now that you recognize me, I hope you'll try out some suitable recruits for us to take home. Gilda Sleeves, I've got just the right detachment for you. Yeah, wonderful. Who are they? Some old friends of yours. A whole corral full of mules that just love to be your guest. Come on, Leroy. Well, am I laughing at that? Donna, wish you didn't invite me to go to dinner today. You better run along home now and tell the girls I'll bring back some soldiers if I have to call out the Marines. Okay, uncle, where are you going now? I'm going to try the USO headquarters. And if you see any soldiers on the way home, grab them. Even if they're wearing Civil War uniforms. I'll do my best, Uncle Mort. See you when you get home. Yeah, all right, Leroy. Oh, look who's standing on the corner. Well, hello, Judge Hooker. Hello, Gilda Sleeves. What's wrong? You look as though you've lost your last friend. Of course, I know that happened years ago. Gilda Sleeves, I'll thank you to keep your nose out of my business. I'll be only too glad to. What are you doing hanging around street corners? I'm... well, it's a long story. I happened to turn on the radio at home last night, and there was a fellow urging everyone to invite a soldier to dinner. Oh, oh, oh, he did. Ah, that speaker. There's a man. The way he told every citizen to do his duty by our new army was stirring and inspirational. It was, eh? Yes. Why, the first thing I did this morning was phone the best restaurant in town and ordered the most expensive turkey dinner out to my house. I was going to invite a soldier to share it. That's the effect that speaker had on me. Well, where is your soldier? That's where the trouble comes in. People at the USO headquarters tell me that there would have been plenty of them to go around if this radio speaker hadn't wrecked all their plans by urging everybody in town to come down after a soldier. Oh, my goodness. So that was it. Of all the numbskull notion that... Not a word against that man, Gilda Sleeves. He made a wonderful impression on me. Clean, cut, vibrant personality. One of nature's noblemen I should judge. Wish I could meet him someday. Would you really want to? Yes. Well, then shake hands. Oh, you'd like to meet him, too. But gracious, no, I am him. What? You? Why, you hypocritical hippopotamus. What? No. No, that's wrong of me. I've misjudged your Gilda Sleeves. Well, I guess I've misjudged you too, Judge Hooker. I never thought you had a heart under that old thick hide of yours. No? No. I just thought your blood circulated because you brought her to a boil so often. What are you doing roaming the streets on Thanksgiving afternoon, Gilda? Same thing as you are, Hooker. Looking for some military men to fight their way through a couple of 20-pound turkeys. Well, I suppose we do our hunting together, Gilda, old pal. Why not, old chum? After all, this is Thanksgiving Day, and we should treat each other like human beings for change. Splendid. That goes for me, too. At least for today. Well, come on, come on, come on. You work this side of the street and I'll take the other side. Oh, boy. Wait a moment. What is it? Look, here comes a young fellow in uniform now. And I saw him first. Turkey is that so. Hey, hey, son, come here, come here. Stop that, you double-crossing little buck flies. Young man, how'd you like a delicious turkey dinner? Huh? Who, me? Yes. He wants you to come up to my house. I don't either. I'm in my house. I've got a great big turkey just for two of us. We've got four turkeys at our house, and we'll give you a whole one for yourself, son. Gee whiz, I couldn't eat that much. And besides, I'm supposed to report the USO headquarters. They're closed for the day, uh, corporal. Come on out to my house. Oh, but I'm not a corporal. Of course not, Sergeant. Now, my car's right over here. So if you'll excuse us, judge. Nope. Come this way with me, Lieutenant. You wouldn't like it at his place, Captain. Oh, now, gentlemen, please. Wait, let go of me. Hey, you're tearing my uniform. Let go of the major's uniform. Let's trot along. Let's trot along. Okay. If you want to get into gestion. Now, my turkey is... His turkey is as old as he is, and just as tough. Hey, I wish somebody would tell me what this is all about. Don't let him confuse you, son. I'll take you to a movie after dinner. A movie? Uh, we're going to have dancing at our house. You'll have 12 beautiful hoses to dance with. Oh, who wants to dance on a full stomach? You do, don't you, son? Well, gee, I don't know. I never learned. No time like right after dinner. Come on, that's my car right over there. Oh, the low down, backbiting, double-dyed, unscrupulous louses. I've had enough. Come back here, young man. Yes, you. I'm going to start off entertaining you this afternoon by making this fat worm pulled up like a roadmap. Here, hold my coat. I'll be very glad to. No, I won't. Now, see here, hooker, you point a pinky at me and I'll beat the daylots out of you and then back in again. Gee, aren't you two fellas a little too old for this sort of thing? If you keep out of this, who invited you to? Say, I invited you. Come on, let's go home. Now, you don't get to leave. I'm going to knock you colder than an Eskimo mother-in-law's kiss. Why? You all give... Oh. What's the use of quarreling like this? If you've got your heart set on taking this young man home, judge, I won't stand in your way. But haven't I anything to say? No. Gelder sleeve. Do you mean this? Yes, judge. Go on and get your car. Hurry up now before I change my mind. All right. You just wait right here, soldier. I'll be back in a jiffy and then we'll have a wonderful dinner. Yeah. Happy Thanksgiving, tilde. Yeah. Gee whiz, mister. You got me all confused. Do I have to have dinner with that other gentleman? With that old goat? Of course not. Waitly turns the corner. All right, come on. I'll run like anything. But the judge went that way. I know that. My car is this way. Hurry up, boy. There they are now. Come on, girls. Let's go to the front door. Come on. Step right in, son, and meet everybody. Gee. Thanks. Girls, this is Jerry Arnold. Private Jerry Arnold of the United States Army. Oh, no, sir. Oh, you're not a private? Oh, no, sir. I'm not even in the Army. What? You're not? I know, sir. I'm a Boy Scout. The Great Gilder Sleeve will be with us again in a few minutes. But right now, what do you celebrate Thanksgiving next Thursday or the week after? There's one thing that's the same everywhere. Yes, that turkey's going to taste mighty good with all its trimmings and fixings. And we all want to remember that we Americans still have plenty to be thankful for. And another thing that's certain, if you make your Thanksgiving cakes and pastries and cookies with parquet margarine, you're going to get plenty of compliments on their downright good taste. You see, the delicious flavor that makes parquet margarine so popular for table use makes it wonderful for baking, too. Yes, as sure as parquet is a delicious spread, it's a genuine flavor shortening, too, not a bland, tasteless fat. Parquet adds flavor to pan-fried foods, too, and it doesn't spatter a stick to the pan. So serve parquet margarine at the table. Use it for baking and pan-frying, too. Remember, you can use all you want because parquet margarine is economical and good for your family. Yes, parquet margarine is a wholesome, nourishing energy food and a reliable source of vitamin A. So right now, add parquet margarine to your shopping list. Remember, it's parquet. P-A-R-K-A-Y. Sorry, our time's up. Happy Thanksgiving, ladies and gentlemen. Good night. Original music heard on this program was composed and conducted by William Randolph. This is Jim Bannon speaking for The Craft Cheese Company and inviting you to be with us again next week at this same time for the further adventures of The Great Yielders League. This is the national broadcasting company.