 When the narcissist wants you back just out here walking through the gardens Before I'd share this with you As you know, I love Nature and gardens It's my kind of scene Just waiting for people to get in here. So what's everyone being doing today? Anyone else being to any parks or gardens recently? Let me know in the chat below I'd love to hear from you. It's nothing better for me than just to Come out and you know So like relieve the Anxiety and just Have some time to relax. I really enjoy just spending time by myself with my own thoughts Gives me time to reflect on life and I hope that's Also something that you can find enjoyment in too Because it can be Very healing so I'm just walking through here now. You can see all of these wonderful trees Plants you might even see a few birds and squirrels as well. Okay, let's get into it When the narcissist wants you back When they want you back the question you should ask yourself is why? Why do they want you back? Because if you look at it You'll find that it's not really you they want back It's their supply their door mats a punching bag That's what they really want back The benefits and conveniences All of the things that you brought to them. That's what's most important to them and When you really take the time to reflect on that Should begin to make more sense It should bring you more understanding should bring you more clarity, but many times I think The problem we have is We let our egos take over us. We like to think Yes, of course, they want me back Why wouldn't they want me back? Look at me. I'm amazing I'm beautiful I'm rich and successful so When we look at it like that, we don't really see The illusion of significance that we have to the narcissist Because we're really not that important They don't really care that much about us. How many times did you buy some new clothes or? You got a new pair of shoes You did your hair differently, and they didn't even notice They didn't even care or maybe they did notice After a few hours or after a few days What's that about why did it take so long? You see these are the questions you could ask yourself This is what you got to understand Because if you were really so significant Then They would have noticed these things straight away They would have been speaking on them, but they're so wrapped up in themselves on their own world They didn't even take the time to notice you half the time Unless you're doing something they don't like and they're very quick to pick up on that So yeah, they don't really want you back That's how you got to see it because that's how it is They want their supply They want their emotional punching bag their emotional tampon a Dormat The ATM Whatever it is you're doing for them Whatever benefits or conveniences that you're providing that is what they want back And that's all it really is to it So please don't fall for these lies if they love you and they miss you they sure pick a funny time Tell you that what about all of you all of you have a Months or years that you were together They never told you they loved you then They were never making an effort then It's only when you walk away Then you're like the most important thing in the world to the narcissist Why because they take everything you do for granted And if you go back Doesn't mean that things are going to change It doesn't mean that they're finally Going to realize how important you are no give it a few hours Maybe a day They'll be right back to normal And in fact they might even be worse Because now they have to punish you for leaving them Of course in that narcissistic injury so yeah One of the worst things that you can do Is to go back to one of these people Because they're only going to destroy you for that They're just gonna see it as an opportunity to punish you To get revenge So yeah, they don't really want you back. It's not about that. It's just superficial things The benefits and conveniences Money Place to stay Whatever else it is That you will bring into them That's what they want It was never about you Sometimes you just have to drop the ego And Realize that while you may be Very special and important To other people And i'm not taking anything away from that I'm not saying anything about that at all. This is just the narcissist They're really not that important to them And that's why many of them move on so quickly and easily They find new supply They find someone else to replace you and do what you do Because you really weren't that important at all You were just an object that existed beneath their needs That's what it was but sometimes They do know how to Flatter us They know how to charm our egos And make us feel special To where we think we're the only ones that matter in the world to this person But it's just not like that at all We are very replaceable to the narcissist If they think that we're no longer serving them They can get rid of us at any moment And i know this is quite a humbling message today But it's the truth It really is You're really not that important to the narcissist Even if you are a grey day supply You might seem important to them in the moment Or for a few Weeks Maybe even a few months After you leave But once they've found someone else To replace you They will forget about you Doesn't matter how important you thought you were Doesn't matter how many years you spent with them I know many of you who comment on my videos You were with the narcissist You were married to a children You were with them for 10 20-50 years And then one day they discarded you Or you couldn't take anymore And then before you know it they were with someone else They married someone else, they had children with someone else And that's when it hits you That's when you realize that all of those years you spent with them Really meant nothing after all I just want to show you this Lovely lake and fountain here I do love parks, but yeah, I understand that it's not always It's easier said than done When the narcissist wants you back It's not that easy to stay away And I've experienced this in my own life A trauma bond It's like you know in your heads But it's not good You know that deep down But it's an addiction And it's like no matter What you tell yourself No matter how much you remind yourself of how damaging and distracting it is And even no matter how many videos you watch It's like you just can't pull away You're just drawn to it And you don't know why And this is something that I've Been thinking about recently About how it's so powerful Like this magnetic attraction And you just can't get out of it You know it's wrong And Yeah, you feel all of the emotions Feel the guilt the shame Because it's no you know, it's not right It's like you just can't help yourself You know, you're going to be in trouble if you go back But something just Pills you in every time And yeah, as I said, I've been thinking about it and This actually all comes back to trauma That's really what it is And it's not Just the trauma that you experience with the narcissist No, this is how this is something that happened a long time ago even before that Maybe something that happened in our childhoods And it's Kind of messed up the wiring In our brains It screwed up the neurosurgery Everyone follows the path of least resistance We do whatever we think is going to make us feel good I think that's something we can all agree with And if you look at it In this situation What are you doing If you're trying to go back to the narcissist You're following the path of least resistance You're doing What you think will make you feel good Because not doing it Feels bad You don't feel good about yourself when you're away from them But when you're around them You get that rush of adrenaline That excitement So when you look at it like that It actually Seems kind of innocent It's like You don't really know the harm That you might be doing The harm to yourself You're just following What you think will bring you pleasure and happiness And it's hard to accept Because every Almost every human being in this world Desires nothing more than to feel pleasure and happiness Who wouldn't want more of that in their lives But we find ourselves in the situation Well we have to deny that Well we have to tell ourselves That this is wrong It's like a drug How many of you have Tried to quit smoking It's not that easy is it There are millions of people around the world Who know about the harmful effects of smoking Not only on themselves But the people around them And yet they still continue to do it Why? Because they're addicted And they can't control it And I think many of us will agree That If we look at this as an addiction It's far more addictive than smoking It really is People can tell you they can give you all of these Solutions or alternatives I can stand you all day and tell you Okay, just stop seeking Happiness outside of yourself Get your happiness from within I can stand you and tell you that all day But it's not always that simple It doesn't mean that it's just going to change everything for you I think people underestimate Just how powerful The trauma bond can be And just how difficult it can be to break it It doesn't break that easily It's a very difficult thing to break And that's why So many people find themselves In this predicament They find themselves stuck Unable to move forward Unable to progress And on top of that There's also the shame and embarrassment That you may feel I mean people are becoming more open about this now Now we are more able to talk about it We have YouTube channels There's forums and websites And That's definitely a step in the right direction And the last thing we want to do Is alienate people who have been through this Because when you look at it These people are just victims We are all just victims And not only that But we are actually victims of victims Narcissists We're once victims too So we're all just a bunch of victims when you look at it And we're just passing on this contagious disease And we're all drawn to the wrong types of things And yet we wonder why We wonder why But yeah it's important to feel comfortable about talking about this It really is You know the reason why The cycle kept continuing for so many of you Is because you had no one to talk to about it You felt like An alien Like you were from a different planet Like nobody understood you Because I was almost like a taboo to even talk about this stuff And I actually think that That is actually The first step To healing from this Is when you have a community Where you can openly talk about what you've been through And you can talk about the things that You were guilty of The things that you're embarrassed about Maybe the things that you did that you're not proud of You can talk about those things too And I think that's very important I'm sure many of you Have experienced that When you first find these youtube channels And It's like finally You think I'm not alone People understand People share this Experience that I have And then that's when it all starts to make sense I'm not just talking about It makes sense what you went through with a narcissist But Also with yourself Because you may find that It starts to bring up other things that you've experienced in your life too Maybe something happened with your family Something happened in your childhood And it just resurfaces that And then you start to understand what happened there It resurfaces Memories Or maybe even memories that you didn't have before And that's very powerful It's great when you have that epiphany When you have that experience When you have that awakening And I believe that that all Begins When you find my videos Or someone else's videos And I often wonder What would it be like What would it be like if there were No youtube channels No Quora No reddit None of this Well, everyone would just be suffering in silence They wouldn't know what to do And people would just be stuck in the same place Maybe for the rest of their lives And it's very interesting How at one point we may have thought There aren't that many people going through this It's a minority And look at it now My channel Probably isn't even in the top five Of the biggest ones on this topic And yet I've already amassed about 37 million views So that should tell you the scale Of this I don't think anyone could have ever anticipated just how many people Have gone through this And just how powerful the effect is that it's had on people And that's why it's so important to speak on it To have people that you can trust To have people that you can confide in It's very important to have that There's a lot of flies And bugs all over you But yeah I think it's important to speak on this You know A lot of people don't understand Even now They don't understand how powerful the trauma bond is I mean it's crazy It really just draws you in And it's like you just can't think of anything else And that's because of the The neurocircuitry The rewiring Of your brain And this could have been from a recent Incident or series of events Or it could have been something that happened a long time ago Or it could have been Some things that followed on from that And To actually go within and change that Or first off you've got to have the desire to do it There has to be an incentive And what is the incentive What's the incentive of cutting off contact With this person that You think you love You think you're addicted to What's the incentive in doing that? If anything it's just going to bring you more pain initially You're going to be delaying your gratification Because you're not going to be having sex with them You're not going to be doing anything fun You may avoid the pain of the arguments but Those good times were so powerful And this is why so many people Find themselves going back again and again On average victims go back seven times Before it's finally over But others it could be a lot more Because it is very addictive But yeah, this is why so many people Just keep going around and around in the cycle This is why because there's no initial gratification There's nothing that you're initially getting out of it By refraining From returning to the narcissist There's nothing you get out of it from doing that There's no rewards. There's no incentive I mean some people say they feel better When they just cut them off But I'd guess that most people don't Most people are suffering Most people are not happy about it Most people want nothing more By the narcissist to walk through that door again And then You kiss You make up You have sex Most people want nothing more than that It's the truth So yeah, it's very powerful It's very addictive I mean Ultimately, this is something That you need to work on No one can do it for you It all starts with you But as you know, I am available for one-on-one coaching And that can help if you do have regular sessions If you have someone who Is always on call And is always there to reaffirm These beliefs Someone who encourages you And supports you And guides you down the right path Because otherwise A circuitry That wiring is going to have power over you And you're just going to end up back with them again So yeah It's very important to have A support network And a coach It's not me then, someone else Someone who's there Someone who you continue to Someone who will guide you It's very important to have that Because this is One of the hardest things You will ever experience in your life Breaking that addiction And I'll be honest with you Very few people in this world Have managed to accomplish that I mean, off the top of my head I can't even think of anyone I mean, we might think maybe Other YouTubers It's possible, but We don't know anything about their day-to-day lives We don't know what they go through And many of us represent an image on here So you don't really know What's true or real So who knows if anyone Has actually Ever recovered from this I'm a firm believer That you can recover from anything But yeah, there has to be An incentive for you to do that And Sometimes that incentive Can be more powerful When it's for someone else Rather than just yourself Because of course We have been taught our entire lives That our needs don't matter But what about for someone else's needs Someone else that you love and care about Someone else that You would do anything for What about that Because that's what you've got to think about That can be The driving factor In you getting out of this Just to give an example People who find it hard Quit smoking Well in the end, many of them Do it for their kids That's What ends up stopping them from doing it People who have Problems with cigarettes With alcohol And Then they get pregnant They can give it all up For Their baby To see the power in that And I think that's Definitely something to take note of Is the power of doing something For someone else That being your incentive And it doesn't have to be A child It could be A friend It could be someone else You know God Whatever it is that you believe in I mean there is Clearly a lot of power there In helping people to control Their urges and desires It definitely is And for other people it may be A more physical thing You start looking happier And healthier That could also be a motive as well And there's nothing wrong with that There's nothing wrong with Wanting to look good and feel good And definitely A supporter on that But yeah I don't want to go too deep into this I think it's Obvious what I'm talking about And Just out here by the gardens Just finished my walk Had some exercise Driving the M4 Beautiful car Very fast And it's hard to break No one's really there for you No one's supporting No one's encouraging you And that's just how it is Most people don't really understand They just think it's a joke I don't really know what they think But just everyone has their own perspectives on it No one really takes the time to understand it And they just kind of put it They put their Own past experiences into it You just got to do what's right for you You can do it for someone else But then you have to think What if that person Goes off on their own And they're not in your life anymore And You might just go back to it again Really it is best to find your own motivation Because that way you're going to stick to it Most of our various Different incentives That you might have So that you can Stop this from continuing As I said I'm available For when I'm coaching You can book a session with me Through my website It's narksurvivor.co.uk We can talk about this in depth We can go deeper into it I do have a lot of knowledge on this topic And it's not just Based on research It's also from my own Personal experiences I've been through this More than one time I overcame it before And then I slipped back into it But yeah it's um It never really goes away It's still there In the back of your head It's just kind of like Going to the gym You have to keep at it You have to go Several days a week You can't just do it once and then stop It's like brushing your teeth You have to do it regularly You have to stay on top of it Otherwise It's kind of a dark topic today But sometimes we just need Some radical acceptance And that's what this is I'm not saying that you can't move past this You can Just take some Take some healing So yeah I'd just like to thank you all For joining me today I appreciate you Share this message Let's get it out there Give this video a thumbs up And leave your thoughts in the comment section I'd love to know what you think about this And I will talk to you In another video very soon