 M Pepsi loka ya Dara Primon TV, wa mahuwa mahuwa ka wajama. Kwa mahmikutu kwa kufuja yu Afrika TVicken. Kwa mahmikutu nga mwenafibila nakitaa ayat용a kufudu na nRAY. Kwa mahmikutu nga mahmikutu, wa mahmikutu kwa h Rosa fabrica yu kamaimao kwa mahmikuti nga mwa. Kwa mahmikutu nga pwede kwa mahmikutu na Taliban na kutu za? Titi Lukbehu z向goza mw Naruwehu kwa mahmikutu nga mw para mw na narela. Another debutant Tolu tells us about the stereotypes surrounding the emotions and mental health of men. And finally, Uche is stating clearly that no means no. As always, your panelists are here to share ideas aimed at provoking thoughts with no holds bad. Stay with us. Benefits of COVID-19 Allow me to be cynical. COVID-19 is one of the best things to have happened to Nigeria in a long time. Why? It proved to us that as a people, we can have the ear of a political elite. It told us that we can improve the health sector in a matter of weeks. It reassured us that the quality of service that public health facilities provide abroad can actually be available locally in Nigeria. At least a lot of people hail the COVID-19 center in Yaba. But I have two questions that are like us to ponder on. One, how were we able to set up such number of health centers within a short time? Rockefeller Foundation spends enormously on the health sector as does other health care financiers in the USA. According to a research data which I stumbled out online, in 2003, researchers' research and development expenditures were approximately $95 billion, with $40 billion coming from public sector and $55 billion coming from the private sources. In 2016, the research and development spending by pharmaceutical companies in the USA was estimated to be around $59 billion. I bet you get the picture. We survived COVID-19 not because government did the job, but because government had the unsolicited support of private sector, thanks to COVID-19 and other partners. Globally, health sector is not strictly government business. Why do we dump everything at the doorstep of federal government in Nigeria? In the USA, ownership of the health center system or health care system is mainly in private hands. Though federal, states, county, city government and all other government have facilities. As of 2018, there were over 5,500 registered hospitals in the United States. Over 4,000 are described as community hospitals. Nigeria can never excel if we continue to dump everything at the doorstep of the federal government. We want to be like America, but we are not ready to do what pertains in America. Hold your local and state governments accountable, get the private sector involved. Secondly, why did the government respond quickly? The government responded quickly because we became a threat to their continuous existence of survival. They all have the domestic helps and junior staff. The families couldn't leave indoors all day. Nobody was excluded, we were all vulnerable. So the only solution was to keep you and I safe for them to remain safe. If the elites had the option of traveling abroad, very few health facilities, if any, would have been built during this period. Now let's just oppose this by elections. As with COVID-19, government focuses on the population that is relevant to their continuous existence and the sustenance of their quality of life. They know the middle class and what sort of the elites do not have a say because they won't vote. So all they do is allow thugs, man the roads and the parks, fund travel expenses of their store wards and provide coverage for the touts that are used. The moment you begin to vote, you will become priority. And like COVID-19, all your needs, roads, schools, security will be provided, not because they care about you, but because they need you in other to remain comfortably in power. That is absolutely correct. I want to speak about the private sector. Now I'm a fan believer that the private sector will drive development in our country. If you look at even statistics, 70-80% of jobs are created by the private sector. SMAs and even the GDP of the nation plays a huge role in that. However, we cannot absorb government over responsibilities. They must create a thriving environment and enabling environment to be created. Check the ease of doing business in Nigeria. The indices are so low. You have taxation to deal with. You have poor access or low access to capital. You have very little government support or infrastructure. So as a private entity, as a private sector organization, you are first of all fixing things that government should have fixed first. I think the agitation of the people is that, can you, the federal government, do your own duty first of all? Create that enabling environment and it's easy for the private sector to then come in and do the rest or take it up from there. But you have a very valid point that when they start to believe that the middle class, they can win elections with the middle class, then they'll start to pay attention to some of the things that actually impact us. That's true. I totally agree with you. That sounds very interesting. When I hear middle class, I start to cringe a little. That's the whole conversation. Because again, what's the percentage of the middle class? Compared to who you call lower than the middle class. What you're saying is basically, if I'm going to sum up your, it's saying who won't die. I mean, nobody wants to die. And I feel very importantly that the more you have, the less you want to die. So what has happened is they've gone from saying, from self-preservation to the fact that if these people also do not live, then we cannot live. I think it was a lot that said that if the child of the poor man did not kill, did not kill one yesterday, if not welfare, tomorrow he will eat you. Basically I think that's what happened. So it's almost like a reverse engineer. Let's allow these people to live because we want to live. But again, if you look at the difference between how much was raised and how much was spent, then you start to ask yourself, have we really been responsible with the funds? That's the first thing. The other thing then also is post COVID then what? So set up all these health sensors to deal with COVID. Then after COVID, what happens? What do we start to treat? You have a valid point, but look at it also in this sense. As much as you had everything set up, you had specific hospitals who were charging triple, double, quadruple of what you're going to get. The same abuse. Exactly. Oxygen were being used in those hospitals. So even though you think, yes, they set up all these things, the facilities that were really required to provide the health care was not really available. We had a lot of high death rates then. Oxygen was cast everywhere. Yet in certain hospitals who were charging millions, who needed to pay a certain deposit, were having access to all these things. I'm going to do a quick response. I mean add up to what you guys have said, but I think we have comfort from Abuja. Comfort in your view. I think for me the tragedy was the fact that even new hospitals were built. I thought that anybody with vision at that point knowing that we already had a crisis in the health care system would rather use the funds at that time to improve upon the health care system at that time and then expand. So you could have had, you could go to, let's say Amadu Bello University Teaching Hospital and have a section that was clearly dedicated to COVID. But then the whole hospital would have been able to partake from the funds that came in and this is what is going to keep on being our problem. This crisis of leadership, this lack of vision, lack of focus, lack of understanding and as one of the panelists said, judicious use of finances. I mean this is not our money. People gathered money, gave you, at least you would use it with some sense. I like the cynicism, what has come out of COVID because the truth about it is that nothing has changed. Money came in, people used it, spent it. I mean we struggled to reach 3,000 deaths in the whole, as much as they struggle to give us numbers that we were dying and going to be decimated by this time so all this money was needed. Okay faith, God, the universe, science, something kept those numbers down. So I think they ought to be ashamed of themselves at this point. And I think like we rightly said right and that's one thing we've been grappling with for a long time which is why I wrote this piece that listen all this thing comes back to the government and how the government feels us but I'd like us to look at the Rockefeller Foundation bit. Now we know we have issues in our healthcare system. What will it cost? I don't want to use dangote, it's doing too many things. There are so many other companies around. So let's say, but let's use a dangote. Let's use a dangote definitely. Now if he comes in and says okay, federal medical center, Bayosa, or Abuja, or Lagos, anywhere, I'm going to take up the salary or not even salary, I'm going to give some freebies to some doctors, additional whatever, maybe some allowances every month. So doctors that work between this time and this time this is what they get. So in addition to whatever the government is giving to them all what our doctors need are motivation. I was in the clinic two days ago just to get immunization for my child and I was in nurse there and the senior nurse got angry where is this nurse going to? She is coming and joining me because they are already on the staff. Then another person came on and said sorry she is going to do circumcision. So a nurse that is supposed to be attending to kids who came for immunization had to leave that post to quickly go attend circumcise whatever but we still have a lot of doctors who would not have left Nigeria if they could get well paid. So we know government has failed but what can we now do to favour ourselves not the government now just to make sure that the health is getting better. But you see when it comes to health we can talk on and on. But anyway let's go to the next bed but before that please continue to wash your hands wear a mask, stay safe practice social distancing and up next is comfort stay tuned. In 1973 Universal Pictures released the film called The Sting. It was a complicated plot involving two grifters that successfully defraud a mob boss. The film went on to win 7 out of its 10 Oscar nominations including Best Original Screenplay. The reason was not far-fetched. The film depicted the length confidence tricksters will go to create elaborate schemes and build an architect around the plot to defraud people of their money. At the end of the film even the room that the final scene took place in was an illusion. In Malcolm Gladwell's book Talking to Strangers he sums up the reason we get blindsided by people's behavior and actions by stating that you believe someone not because you have doubts about them believe is not the absence of doubt. You believe someone because you don't have enough doubts about them and this is the case with victims of scams. Specifically scams not targeted at a person's greed. Scams count 419 as we call it on this side of the Atlantic has been with us since Heaven knows when and with each passing year the sophistication in the game grows. I became a partner on the Booking.com site at the downturn of the economy we were all becoming more creative. Shortly I had my first client something was off and in a carefully crafted response to a follow-up chat inquiry by the client I turned down the reservation. I went to the app to report myself until the reason I declined the reservation. Apparently I was out of time to seek a cancellation. Boy was I in soup. His credit card was on the file and they would charge it if they were not informed. The reservation came with an airport pick up. The next morning the day of the arrival fleetingly it struck me as odd that the client seemed blind to the fact that I had declined the reservation even as I was relieved that he had taken no note of my decline. With a note of caution I informed the transport company to pick him from the airport. At 2pm as he was passing through immigration he reached out to the transport company for help. He needed to make an online payment of $48,500 to immigration. The transport company had catered to similar requests in the past. The difference was that they knew those clients. This was their red flag. On the other side of town I was sweating like a Christmas good. I had swept, scrubbed, cleaned at the house all in a mud rush because of the late booking. Within 5 minutes of seeing the alert he had cleared out the accounts thanked the driver and promised to tip him with $1000 when he came out. Then the point he dropped. As the world is on a steady decline as a matter of urgency we need to deploy the same time energy, smart patience, knowledge as much as the con artists have to sharpen our gut instincts. This is the key to our survivor going forward. We all need to have our wits about us. Not suspicious of everything and everyone but tuned in and listening to ourselves. Over to the floor. The realities of our time they say. Yes. Like rightly said it's easier for us to complain than to face the fact that we have not done enough homework as other the people on the negative side would do. You're talking about con artists if you look at criminals maybe armed robbers and stuff they can monitor you for weeks on end just so they can get what they want. But for us as humans when we go around and submit a proposal and the person says I'm not available we get angry who doesn't think he is I won't even go there anymore and the deal is off. So I think you rightly said we're not as tenacious as we should be at times. I like to look at Nigerian politics maybe that's a political terrain is this way. You know I always say if it seems off it is off. It's better to actually stall if you have any doubt about a particular activity. And I think we've had many years now of realizing that con artists are here to stay. It is almost in fact it's almost the profession now for many people. It's the easy way out because we believe that the people are very gullible. So on the one hand we're supposed to be very smart people who can see through funny stuff but at the same time we're also naiv because we are very careless. I find that the average and I hate to put a blanket but what I find is that we're not meticulous we're careless in our documentation we don't finish processes and then we want to resort to the culture of shouting if a mistake has been made so you're supposed to do a cancellation you don't do it. When they go ahead and initiate action you feel like it's easier I shout and I want to get results. So that's the same persona we carry into every single thing and that can get us into trouble more times than not. Con artists I like the fact that if you can actually transfer this ingenuity and creativity imagine I actually personally believe that it should be hired for financial services and cyber security and that's what a lot of organizations in the western world if you're very good if you can crack a system you should be hired because you know you can build in case studies and scenarios exactly if you're able to crack a firewall of an organization they should hire you to run their cyber security end because you can see all the different scenarios and things that can go wrong but instead we always criminalize things instead of creating opportunities where we can turn mischievous behavior into talent Absolutely. A coach that just comes to mind is the devil is in the detail and he goes both ways in this case so like you said the con artist has an ulterior motive and he spends weeks on end and wants to study new to be sure to find the loophole but you as a person he's concerned about the details but you on the other side are not very concerned about the details and more often than not we just lack the discipline that is required and it's mostly discipline issue and I know Comfort said this is basically greed that is not a con that is not targeted towards greed but in lot of time there is also a greed element I always say when I hear people have been con that nothing can cheat a man when he is greed somebody comes in here and says if you give me $100 each or give it $10,000 and give me $500 at that point your brain is calculating $1500 then your greed takes over more or less and says $10000 at that point this is a greed issue and again goes back to discipline so it's important that we are very disciplined about our systems and processes as a business person it's very important that you have processes and systems in place that help you actually find those loopholes that can get combined sorry just to clear that the $1000 offer came after they had collected $48,000 so it wasn't put on the table before and that's why the major thing for me is the they say you don't disbelieve a person because you don't have doubts but because you don't have enough doubts about the person and so what was taking advantage of was the fact that they do that for their incoming clients they've done it several times I know that a lot of them yes but you have one or two on the off chance and so that's where we are careless the trusting because we are raised to be trusting because they are not giving you any reason to doubt the fact because we are raised to be trusting and so we differ immediately to that truth that I'm not a cheat so this person who is on the other side is most likely not a cheat and that's the loophole that's the psychology that is used so they use that in route in our psychology but that's why we now need to be as smart that's the advocacy here we need to spend as much time honing our gut instinct we come with that naturally and when as I think which is said once you have that doubt just go with it don't do it just work with it alright comfort so what next after the break titiloper talks us through child maintenance child maintenance is it comparable of voluntary the question of the comparability of a child maintenance is one that many demand answers to the laws regarding children born in a marriage and the laws regarding children born outside of marriage do differ can a father be compelled to pay for child maintenance of a child he did not want this is a great question what is child maintenance child maintenance is an ongoing periodic payment made by parents for the financial benefit of a child following the end of the marriage or any other relationship child maintenance is paid directly or indirectly by an obligor to an obligi for the care and support of the children of a relationship has been terminated or in some cases never existed parents generally have the responsibility to take care of their children and provide all they need to live however there are also instances where parents have failed to adequately provide for their children financially as a result many parents and guardians have turned to the court or law enforcement authorities to enforce a child or guidance support order the object of a maintenance order is to protect and safeguard the welfare and wellbeing of the children of the marriage or children born outside of a marriage its purpose is to ensure that a child has the financial security and protection that he or she requires can a father who did not want the child be compelled to pay child maintenance yes he can children born outside of a marriage are usually on the wrong ladder in society in terms of maintenance most times they are faced with denial and in some cases outright abandonment by one or both parents they are most often denied the necessary financial maintenance required by either of the parent nonetheless section 142 of the Child Rights Act states that every child has a right to maintenance from his or her parent or guardian in proportion to their financial capabilities and that the child has the right to pursue this right in family courts in proper circumstances the law compels parents of children to ensure the proper maintenance of their children in a situation where the mother of the child does not need financial help from the father to take care of the child the father does not need to pay child maintenance nonetheless in a situation where she needs help the father can be compelled to pay child maintenance as he is under an obligation by the law to take care of the child in such a case the child can apply to the welfare department of any state which will in turn apply to the family family court for an order of the maintenance in Lagostate the criminal code law of Lagostate makes it a crime for a parent or guardian to fail to provide for maintenance by the combined provision of sections 206 and 207 of the criminal code law of Lagostate 2015 which states that it is the duty of every person as a head of a family or has charge of a child being a member of his household to provide the necessities of life for such child and he is held to have cost any consequences which result to the life or health or any person because of any omission to perform that duty thus a child who is denied necessary maintenance can make a formal report to the relevant law agencies to enforce this right for instance there are instances where a single mother will be unable to get financial assistance from the father of her child it is usually advisable that a single mother who has found herself in such a situation should take full advantage of the section and help and seek help at the gender section of the police command keja, Lagostate for example for immediate prosecution finally the position of the law is care on the matter at hand a father is comparable under the child right act 2003 criminal law of Lagostate to pay for child maintenance regardless of whether he wanted that child or not what is your opinion? after we have to go first on this one come for you come for you go first there because I am a lawyer and for me what just jumped out for me here is that again is the one put front and center with the fight for equality and gender rights here I think what we also need to do is to make it a level a level playing field it needs to that probably needs to be reward also so it's not just the man it's also the woman and any one of them can be compelled so if the woman has then she should be made to pay also she should be made to pay not one sided I think for me that was what stood out for me the most now that we are playing this level playing field it should apply to maintenance for children over thank you okay for me right I think for me what is worrying is the level of illiteracy that I'm starting to realize that many of us are suffering from I can admit here that I didn't even know that we had the laws to pay for maintenance for his child I know loads of single women I mean right now it's not balanced I know loads of single women who have had to struggle for years alone and they didn't know that they had the cost to the law and you see this thing is consistent in everything that affects us as Nigerians we have no awareness of the laws that protect us in employment, in marriage in children just name it so I think for me right in the curriculum of our schools somewhat I don't know at what level because information is knowledge is power but you can't even how do you fight for what is your right when you don't even know I didn't know until this session so this is new information that I'm going to now start to put out there absolutely agree which is why I'll add a little to the quote has been updated a bit so it's now applied knowledge is power but then we don't have it we don't you know application applied knowledge is power because there's the knowledge I've never heard, this is the first time hearing of this like you said I know loads of single mothers that struggle year in year to feed their children and the fathers actually in the place in the better position to actually provide this basic basis of life but they don't even realize that they can seek rejection in court but hey there's also the part where you go to court but do you actually get those injunctions and then are they enforced because yes so they don't know so when they now know and they now make the decision to take that step do they actually get the redress I think the other question I don't understand the part where they say demand that they not want the child that's a whole different conversation maybe you can help as a lawyer what does that mean I don't know what it means at the point where you are doing certain things you know the possibility of this happening so whatever the outcome is if you say you don't want it and the mother of the child says I want it I'm not willing to risk my life to go through an abortion which is illegal I guess exactly at the point where you are having that conversation you should know that whatever happens you have a responsibility is no longer I don't want it it's now we exceeds just your own decision and also just to reply to comfort the reason why it might sound like they are going after men is because in Nigeria especially you have too many single mothers you have situation where it is just the women that cater for these children all their lives men are having kids by different women and not caring whatever it is that happens to the child so that is why it might sound a bit like the law is enforcing it more on the men than the women because it is what is rampart in our state and we can't deny that and I think in addition to that and I get that and I honestly understand that but I think for me also more important than the financing so that for me honestly sorry if the man is not ready to do it I am more interested in the emotional well being of the child now when these maintenance custody battles come up it's not even the parents that go through this it's the children and because we live in a patriarchal society as it is let us face it in the long run the men tend to get away with this so I normally would advocate to single men and look honestly if you can take care of your child you can let him do what you want but for the health of your own child is there a way you can have a relationship for your child because we are also growing up with a lot of children who have daddy issues so for me it's the balance do you want the money or do you want the emotional psychological health what you are talking about is actually the crux as you are saying men who don't want for me that is what I was going to talk about of certain men because how can you get a woman pregnant and say you don't want the child listen even if you have all the problems in this world with the mother as long as you are the father of that child go for your DNA test and you know that this is your child you do not have a choice but to take care of that child because if you are unable to take care of your child what you are saying in essence is that if you were to see somebody in your area who is dyingly in need of help and you are more of a curse to the society than any other thing but in this but in a situation where maybe they used protection for some reason protection failed it goes beyond and he knows that he can't financially be able to afford it but that's a different thing can such person be held liable to provide when they know you don't have money to do it I mean you will be held the little you have you must contribute from that so let's bring you home then Tolu is next after this break man down there is a man down on your streets this evening he got knocked down no not by a drunk driver or hit and run he got run down by you he is the man you told to man up yesterday there is a man down in your church in your mosque in your office in your neighborhood in your cities in your country yes wonder your very nose you just shot a man down you just shot him down with your reasonable standards and your inhumane requests and your honest feedback when you told him to man up man up man man up why you so emotional why you talking like a woman nobody cares about your feelings this was once familiar I'm sure they do all of us at some point or the other obviously said this to a man manly this begs the question who is a man what is man question that has beg answers for centuries and produces as many answers almost as there are men hunter, gatherer, provider, fighter these are the most earliest definitions thank God man has evolved we have upgraded to macho head of the home alpha male, protector, buff but have really evolved you know what the man has evolved from the half decade hide wearing club wielding cave man to the alpha male in blue blazers and khaki pants but he want this thought for a minute today's man is actually dying under more pressure and takes his life out of these weights more than any time in history ironically so I know what you are thinking are there no badly behaved men in the case of bad behavior absolutely not I am not that naive let me try and put this in perspective so globally male suicide rate is almost 3 times the female suicide rate in men can be as much as 10 times higher than for women in some countries Nigeria has the highest rate of suicide in Africa with men leading the numbers in England around 1 in 8 men has a common mental health problem such as depression, anxiety panic disorder OCD man age 40 to 49 have the highest suicide rates men report lower levels of life satisfaction than women according to the government's national wellbeing survey men are likely to access psychological therapies than women it's 7% of rough sleepers are men does your husband know men are nearly 3 times as likely as women to become dependent on alcohol and 3 times as likely to report frequent drug use men make up the vast majority of the prison population there are higher rates of mental health problems and increasing rates of self harm in prisons why don't men talk about mental health societal expectations and traditional gender roles play a role in why men are less likely to discuss or seek help in their mental health problems it's important to understand that men can be damaged by stereotypes and expectations as well so what do we do I say catch them young who must immediately begin to ask the question what kind of boys are we raising today these boys will soon become men and the success and failure will be determined by what will teach them today actually what will teach them now many boys grew up today they are just products of conflicting and contradiction information from fathers mothers brothers sisters uncles and his friends many men today grew up with the wrong composition years ago without even knowing it so what about the older men we must start getting rid of our stereotypes and start giving them a chance to speak so basically be an heir be a shoulder so man encouragement to open up by doing so you might just be saving the life of another man now alright what scary statistics do you know that 4 in 5 men that I know and this is not even pulling numbers from the sky on BP medication because everything is suppressed you're not allowed to speak out you're not allowed to show emotions and for me the scary part is there's actually a knock on effect in the home because you've raised men that are emotionally bankrupt so they are not able to feel the emotions that their home requires love empathy, support, kindness because you're supposed to be stoic and strong so it doesn't even benefit anyone at the end of the day the man is depressed the man is very stressed he ends up on medication then he takes it out on his family and repeats the cycle all over again it is scary I think it's so old school it's not attractive to say that you cannot show emotions why not you've lost someone it's okay to cry it doesn't make you any less of who you are yes you show emotions and then you move to action because ultimately there's a problem it needs to be solved but it doesn't make you any less of who you are and we really need to stop the stereotype which is actually sometimes coming from women the expectations from women that he's a sisi because he showed emotion and act like a man and you're correct that's man down absolutely even goes beyond the emotion seeing the women bits some say he's not man enough how much does he earn and this man is already working 10 hours in a day and the thing is he doesn't have the support that will mold him to discover a better him so men will marry women that will tell them you could do it this way, that way the man changes and is making more money but some women will just run them down but it even goes beyond that again I think we are not facing the realities of our time we're still applying what was given in the days like years ago in the olden days we're applying it to this modern time where everything has changed back then the needs were less, the expectation was just for you to get married go to the farm come back home so much that has been demanded of you you have the bad economy you have so many things to grapple with and you even add salt to injury if you are a fan of Asen that's even when you laugh you haven't won any cup so yes I think you're very right these little things we do have a can I say an effect a ripple effect on every other aspect of life from work to home even to religion because a pastor now that is depressed will get to the pulpit and tell everybody better believe God or you die and will preach some kind of sermons or any man who acts in a way so yes, man down is something we all need to look at these things usually start from when children are really little so I have a son and when maybe he falls or something I remember we had in Nani then and she said why you crying stop crying and I told her stop please let him cry he's hurt let him express how he feels he's still a child let him cry he's allowed to the fact that he's a boy does not make him not feel pain he has to feel pain and express that his arms won't grow back when you cut them off exactly there's blood he needs to express that oh this is so I think he starts from how little they are I wouldn't tell the child don't cry especially if a boy is crying it's okay to cry let them understand that they have this emotions and it's very important for them to express it if they have something you see some who say this man talks too much that's his way of expressing himself if he doesn't talk he's going to suppress things and he's going to come out in a completely different way that you don't like or appreciate so the earlier we begin to have that conversation and encourage our men, our brothers that if there's an issue, if you notice something and they are shielded their way of dealing with it is just to be on their own you can reach out to them and lend our voices to them what was going on let them speak up absolutely you just nailed on the head by saying expression because an emotion the same thing more or less same size of a coin because one of the things that separates a human from an animal is emotion and expression so one of the things that makes us different and humans were built for expression and emotion so from that little age for most young boys the first thing they ever hear growing up is why are you crying? be a boy, be a man, be a girl and the moment you start to do that you are starting to stifle this expression from when he's that young and the thing with humans is humans will express themselves is the nature of humans to express themselves so that expression will come out you just need to ask yourself do you want it positively or negatively? and comfort, why are you expressing yourself from abuja? in a conflicted conflicted about this one I mean I would like to see my man take charge I'm sorry, I don't want to sit here he can't do that in saddance maybe I'm a bit conflicted about this but I agree with you absolutely that demand now is also in a very precarious position currently but I think that both the females and the males are culprits here so you have women now who have more power more ability to express themselves more desires, more wants, more vanity and then you have men who determine their self worth by their sexual powers and by their financial ability so you have this woman on this side who has this power this man who wants to meet up also so there's also the pressure within and we're not being honest anymore we're not being honest so at this point especially with the current situation there would need to be a lot of unlearning even for the adult male population now that look you can't kill yourself because your woman wants to wear her hair per week just so that you can fit into a certain social setting but you see if you have to if the man has to go down that route he needs to assume a certain position but the current narrative on the side of the woman is that she's not supposed to be listening to any man telling her no no no she too is supposed to express herself so there's we're messing with other things and so both parties just keep on doing what they want to do trying to find a middle ground for peace I heard a male follower reach out to me and say when he was getting married he needed to talk to men just any older man like the way women do that's what helps us we like to gossip so we have groups of friends that we gossip we tell everything so in a manner of speaking and then we're able to do it but men don't do that what they do when they meet in their gatherings it's usually to talk about asinam as you said chelsea and the new drinking town not the core issues so I think that's another part that guys have to when you come together it's not about the superficial issues but talk to yourselves we should talk to themselves comfort absolutely agree with you we're almost out of time now thank you comfort fantastic so uche is next after the break please don't go anywhere no is no kikari was a vivacious young girl living with her mum in a busy part of hukumako in Lagos Nigeria it was not unusual for her mum to ask a child to go and buy biscuits from Mama BC who's kiosk served as the local grocery store it was also usual for the neighbors to watch TV in each other's homes as not everyone owned one one day the evil monster called rape reared its head in the person of the male neighbor who had always had a smile and a kind word for kikari the family did nothing and so the police did nothing hosh no one must know it's your fault you've brought disgrace to us as though this was the fault of kikari and not the wicked act of a pervert who should be locked away and the kishch thrown away forever did you know that in Nigeria in 2020 alone there was nearly 40% increase in rape and domestic sexual violence against women are you aware that in 2018 the official Nigerian demographic and health survey found that 30% of girls and women age between 15 and 49 reported suffering sexual abuse in one form or another so this means that one in three women that you know a child, a sister a colleague, a friend, a cost mate a relative has been sexually assaulted or violated the scary part is she may never speak about it to you or anyone but it's pretty cold and humiliated because of our culture of shaming and because we live in a society which says why were you dressed like this what were you looking for there good girls don't get raped how can you say you did not want it what were you doing there now just to be clear rape is a criminal offence in Nigeria under the criminal code of Nigeria section 357 and 358 rape is defined as a lawful canal knowledge of a woman or girl without her consent or with her consent if the consent is obtained by force or by means of treth or intimidation of any kind or by fear of harm or by means of force act or in case of a married woman by pretending to be her husband now this offence is actually punishable by imprisonment for life with or without caning under the criminal code of Nigeria section 282 a man is said to commit rape who has had sexual intercourse with a woman in any of the following circumstances against her will without her consent with her consent when the consent is obtained by putting her in fear of death or hurt however this code is only applicable in the northern states of Nigeria yet according to the international center for investigative reporting website they have been only 65 rape convictions between 1973 and 2019 in Nigeria what an abysmal number considering the prevalence of this crime considering that one in three women you know have been sexually molested or assaulted is it that the victims are not reporting for fear of shame is it that we've kept inadequate records or is it a poorly administered judicial system that protects a perpetrator over a victim how can we explain to people that no is no how can we remind everyone that the child is not a sex toy how can we hold our courts accountable when cases are actually reported how can we read our society of this despicable act how can we support rape victims when they actually do come forward the time has come for changes to the criminal code to be more stringent to punish perpetrators of this crime there is urgency required in changing the mindset that a rape victim it's somehow responsible for this offence we actually did a sex offender's register where those who have been found guilty can actually be listed to protect us from future occurrences however we only have less than 70 names we need to learn to speak up when we hear such accusations we need to empower people to actually speak up when they have been victims of this crime we need to teach everyone that no is no hello alright go on comfort this is one topic that tears my heart I have a daughter and even I as you were right I don't think there's any woman in Nigeria that has not been a victim of sexual assault or indecency exposure I don't think there's any because in a society where it's almost as if the woman is just there for the taking I think the major issue here apart from the judicial system is the conspiracy of silence and unfortunately is the women who drive the conspiracy you have mothers in wombs that know that the fathers the husbands are sleeping with their daughters but she wants to save her marriage because society has said she must be married and it is somehow her fault and so it's a vicious circle you have aunties that know you have sisters that know and everybody says be quiet now imagine if women who are custodians especially the women who are custodians this doesn't mean that there aren't men or boys I think even some of our laws have been amended to reflect that a man can be raped too but because the prevalence of the crime is on the side of the female I feel so disheartened that women are not playing the role in nothing I think the most recent case we have is that Baba Ijesha case and one of a woman just came out two days ago and older woman to say that she begged Iyabo not to talk why? if there is something that was done to this girl that needs to be reported why is it that we think that these things should be hushed and kept quiet unless we break the circle of conspiracy of silence honestly there is nothing that can be done honestly we probably will not even see any rape case in another 10 years any conviction so we need to speak to women we need to empower our girls we need to also tell them that even if it is because they said the girl was walking naked it does not give any man any woman any right to rape go and report instead that there is a man person running on the streets but not to rape absolutely agree with you another big problem I don't want to even go into the problems I want to talk more about the solution but another big problem is the fact that the little little things that we allow to happen that lead to these things a lot of men are so uneducated and so ignorant the ignorance is astounding I have two daughters there are certain places I don't hit my daughters when I am playing with them so they understand that touching this part of your body is not like being by your father they say uncle is not your uncle so he is mister so they are sitting boundaries that we have to start interacting with so they realize even if their mother wants to be unfortunate or any other family by themselves because they are empowered they understand there are some things that should be allowed to happen so we have to start looking at these little things so someone will come and say no don't sit on his lap because maybe 50 years ago 100 years ago it was okay to sit on your own because they had here but today there are so many people around until they start to exhibit those things so it is very important that very early on we start to indoctrinate our daughters so we have to start now because we want to go to the 70 men that have been represented in 1970 I think dealing with our daughters and again dealing with the men because listen there is nothing for me as barbaric as inhumane as use any word any adjective you want as rape because what you are saying is it's demeaning in my view it's an insult it's bigger than saying like we say your mother this is the height of it because you are taking someone sex is so important that it's price if he is giving it to you or she is giving it to you herself fine but you are taking it she is not just being the sex offender register she should be castrated because listen they said without kidding that's how bad it is for me but I would like to go on the touch a bit which we are a lot of time we don't like to talk about and I will start this way so that we can understand if I drive a g-wagon 2020 model and I drive it and I go to Oshodi or let's say any other place and I leave the ignition in the key in I wind down I come down from the car and I cross the road to buy something and my car is stolen I'll be called careless but that doesn't mean the police is not the responsibility to go look for the car for me I think looking at the demand over time looking at the mind frame of men even some women set this women up for a we need to and some men are so careless and so weak mentally that anything they see they must touch and we don't have a security to protect you I think are women not the kids but the women who have control over their body who can go to any place at any time we need to start watching how we appear in certain places most importantly I know a lot of times we say the fact that my body if it turns you and means you are weak yes we know it's weak but when it affects you the law is not the law this time because the law is there to protect you but the security and the condition there is not strong enough to protect so on TV yesterday we were accused of raping a girl and killing her in a law university looking at them it's obvious they were on drugs abuse we have in the system right now and the man seen a lady that ready on drugs in a particular way it doesn't mean you don't have your rights the same way you have your right to drive your car and pack it anywhere in some places in Lagos and when you are driving you hide your phones, you don't hold it it's your phone, you bought it with your money but for your own safety you keep it just to avoid anything going wrong with you I think we need to I disagree I completely disagree I don't agree because that's not a sustainable solution it's not even a solution do you understand if you see a man walking naked a man, there are mad men that walk up and down the streets naked because they are mad do women go after them and say they want because you don't have that problem yet even women I don't think that it's a sustainable solution and it's not even a solution because how do you say I should control what I wear based on something women that he jabbed from head to toe but they get it and that's why I use the cars as an example the fact that you're keeping your car on the road and installing, now you can even pack your car in the house put your fence and people still but yet when you are in town you don't say ok because I pack it at home and everybody can steal it, you leave it right in a way that won't I think we need to look at that that's the most sensitive part that should not be discussed there are little children actually when they are little, the highest percentages are from a certain age bracket and they are mostly young vulnerable girls so are you saying a child wearing certain things is going to appeal to him no listen, that's what I'm saying there are different aspects, we can discuss this on and on and I know this has no end just to speak a bit so in my understanding of what you're saying is let's educate both young and older women so what you educate them on is also important so if you say to them don't wear this or don't wear that that's not really the conversation it's not about really what you're wearing it's first there's a male who has a problem so if you understand if you're going to lion's den you're going to see a dog children who don't have the those are exceptional cases they are not exceptional cases they are the most rampant cases you know right a woman's body belongs to her if she says no no is no there are no excuses to it we need to start to educate the men to do better we need to start to educate the men there are many women willing to give it up for free, we don't need to rape a woman so we hope that this conversation triggers something in you it's never enough time for us to deep dive but we want it to be a conversation starter go and have these conversations with people let's start to fix our nation one problem at a time so join us again next week on another edition of The Advocate The Advocacy continues on our social media platforms on Facebook plus TV Africa hashtag The Advocate NG and on Instagram it's plus TV Africa hashtag The Advocate NG and to catch up with previous broadcasts go to plustvafrica.com slash The Advocate NG don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel on plus TV Africa join us next week same time on this station and let's keep advocating for a better society bye everyone