 A few maxims for the instruction of the over-educated by Oscar Wilde. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Read by Tim Bultley of BigBible.org. A few maxims for the instruction of the over-educated. First published anonymously in the 1894 November the 17th issue of Saturday Review. Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. Public opinion exists only where there are no ideas. The English are always degrading truths into facts. When a truth becomes a fact, it loses all its intellectual value. It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information. The only link between literature and drama left to us in England at the present moment is the bill of the play. In the old days books were written by men of letters and read by the public. Nowadays books are written by the public and read by nobody. Most women are so artificial they have no sense of art. Most men are so natural they have no sense of beauty. Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer. What is abnormal in life stands in normal relations to art. It is the only thing in life that stands in normal relations to art. A subject that is beautiful in itself gives no suggestion to the artist. It lacks imperfection. The only thing that the artist cannot see is the obvious. The only thing the public can see is the obvious. The result is the criticism of the journalist. Art is the only serious thing in the world and the artist is the only person who is never serious. To be really medieval one should have no body. To be really modern one should have no soul. To be really Greek one should have no clothes. Dandyism is the assertion of the absolute modernity of beauty. The only thing that can console one for being poor is extravagance. The only thing that can console one for being rich is economy. One should never listen. To listen is a sign of indifference to one's hearers. Even the disciple has his uses. He stands behind one's throne and at the moment of one triumph. Whispers in one's ear that after all one is immortal. The criminal classes are so close to us that even the policemen can see them. They are so far away from us that only the poet can understand them. Those whom the gods love grow young. A few maxims for the instruction of the overeducated by Oscar Wilde. Read by Tim Bulkley of BigBible.org Ningyo Nohaka by Lafcadio Hearn This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Ningyo Nohaka from Gleanings in Buddha Fields by Lafcadio Hearn Mannyamon had coaxed the child indoors and made her eat. She appeared to be about eleven years old, intelligent and pathetically docile. Her name was Ine, which means springing rice, and her frail slimness made the name seem appropriate. When she began under Mannyamon's gentle persuasion to tell her story, I anticipated something queer from the accompanying change in her voice. She spoke in a high, thin, sweet tone, perfectly even, a tone changeless and unemotional as the chanting of the little kettle over its charcoal bed. Not unfrequently in Japan, one may hear a girl or a woman utter something touching or cruel or terrible in just such a steady, level, penetrating tone, but never anything indifferent. It always means that feeling is being kept under control. There were six of us at home, said Ine, mother and father and father's mother, who was very old, and my brother and myself and a little sister. Father was a Hyogya, a paper hanger. He papered sliding screens and also mounted Kakemono. Mother was a hairdresser. My brother was apprenticed to a seal cutter. Father and mother did well. Mother made even more money than father. We had good clothes and good food, and we never had any real sorrow until father fell sick. It was the middle of the hot season. Father had always been healthy. We did not think that his sickness was dangerous and he did not think so himself, but the very next day he died. We were very much surprised. Mother tried to hide her heart and to wait upon her customers as before, but she was not very strong and the pain of father's death came too quickly. Eight days after father's funeral mother died also. It was so sudden that everybody wondered. Then the neighbours told us that we must make a Ningyo-Nohaka at once or else there would be another death in our house. My brother said they were right, but he put off doing what they told him. Perhaps he did not have money enough. I do not know, but the Haka was not made. What is a Ningyo-Nohaka? I interrupted. I think, Mannyemon made answer, that you have seen many Ningyo-Nohaka without knowing what they were. They look just like graves of children. It is believed that when two of a family die in the same year, a third also must soon die. There is a saying, always three graves. So when two out of one family have been buried in the same year, a third grave is made next to the graves of those two and in it is put a coffin containing only a little figure of straw, wara Ningyo. And over that grave, a small tombstone is set up, bearing a cameo. The priests of the temple to which the graveyard belongs writes the cameo for these little gravestones. By making a Ningyo-Nohaka, it is thought that a death may be prevented. We listen for the rest, Ine. The child resumed. There were still four of us. Grandmother, brother, myself and my little sister. My brother was nineteen years old. He had finished his apprenticeship just before father died. We thought that was like the pity of the gods for us. He had become the head of the house. He was very skillful in his business and had many friends. Therefore he could maintain us. He had made thirteen yen the first month. That is very good for a seal-cutter. One evening he came home sick. He said that his head hurt him. Mother had then been dead forty-seven days. That evening he could not eat. Next morning he was not able to get up. He had a very hot fever. We nursed him as well as we could and sat up at night to watch by him. But he did not get better. On the morning of the third day of his sickness he became frightened because he began to talk to mother. It was the forty-ninth day after mother's death. The day the soul leaves the house. And brother spoke as if mother was calling him. Yes, mother, yes, in a little while I shall come. Then he told us that mother was pulling him by the sleeve. He would point with his hand and call to us. There she is there. Do you not see her? We would tell him that we could not see anything. Then he would say, ah, you did not look quick enough. She's hiding now. She has gone down under the floor mats. All the morning he talked like that. At last grandmother stood up and stamped her foot on the floor and reproached mother speaking very loud. Taka, she said, Taka, what you do is very wrong. When you were alive we all loved you. None of us ever spoke unkind words to you. Why do you now want to take the boy? You know that he is the only pillar of our house. You know that if you take him there will not be anyone to care for the ancestors. You know that if you take him you will destroy the family name. Oh, Taka, it is cruel. It is shameful. It is wicked. Grandmother was so angry that all her body trembled. Then she sat down and cried. And I and my little sister cried. But our brother said that mother was still pulling him by the sleeve. When the son went down he died. Grandmother wept and stroked us and sang a little song that she made herself. I can remember it still. Oya no nai koto, hamabe no chidori, higure higure ni, so deshi boru. So the third grave was made, but it was not a ningyou no haka. And that was the end of our house. We lived with kindred until winter when grandmother died. She died in the night when nobody knew. In the morning she seemed to be sleeping, but she was dead. Then I and my little sister were separated. My sister was adopted by a tatamiya, a matmaker, one of father's friends. She is kindly treated. She even goes to school. Ah fushigina koto da, ah komattane, mermad manyemon. Then there was a moment or two of sympathetic silence. Ine prostrated herself in thanks and rose to depart. As she slipped her feet onto the thongs of her sandals, I moved toward the spot where she'd been sitting. To ask the old man a question. She perceived my intention and immediately made an indescribable sign to manyemon. Who responded by checking me just as I was going to sit down beside him. She wishes, he said, that the master will honorably strike the matting first. But why, I asked in surprise, noting only that under my unshored feet the spot where the child had been kneeling felt comfortably warm. Manyemon answered, She believes that to sit down upon the place made warm by the body of another is to take into one's own life all the sorrow of that other person unless the place be stricken first. Where at I sat down without performing the right. And we both laughed. Ine said manyemon. The master takes your sorrows upon him. He wants, I cannot venture to render manyemon's honorifics, to understand the pain of other people. You need not fear for him, Ine. End of Ningyou Nohaka by Lafcadio Hearn. Read for LibriVox by David Barnes. Peach Blossom Shangri-La by Tao Yuanming. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Read by Paul Zi, Hong Kong. During the Tai Yuan era of the Jin Dynasty, there was a man of Wu Ling who made his living as a fisherman. Once, while following a stream, he forgot how far he had gone. He suddenly came to a grove of blossoming peach trees. It lined both banks for several hundred paces and included not a single other kind of tree. Patterns of the dazzling and fragrant blossoms were falling everywhere in profusion. Thinking this place highly unusual, the fisherman advanced once again in wanting to see how far it went. The peach tree stopped at a stream's source where the fisherman came to a mountain with a small opening through which it seemed he could see light. Leaving his boat, he entered the opening. At first it was so narrow that he could barely pass. But after advancing a short distance, it suddenly opened up to reveal a broad, flat area with imposing houses, good fields, beautiful ponds, mulberry trees, bamboo, and the like. The fisherman saw paths extending among the fields in all directions and could hear the sounds of chickens and dogs. Men and women working in the fields all wore clothing that looked like that of foreign lands. The elderly and children all seemed to be happy and enjoying themselves. The people were amazed to see the fisherman and they asked him from where he had come. He told them in detail. Then the people invited him to their home, set up wine, butchered a chicken, and prepared a meal. Other villagers heard about the fisherman and they all came to ask him questions. Then the villagers told him to avoid the chaos of war during the Qin dynasty, our ancestors brought the families and villages to this isolated place and never left it. So we have had no contact with the outside world. They asked the fisherman what the present rain was. They were not even aware of the Han dynasty, let alone the Wei and Jin. The fisherman told them everything he knew in great detail and the villagers were amazed and heaved sighs. Then other villagers also invited the fisherman to their homes where they gave him food and drink. After several days there, the fisherman bit farewell at which time some villagers told him it's not worth telling people on the outside about us. The fisherman exited through the opening, found his boat and retraced his route while leaving Marcus to find this place again. Upon his arrival at the prefecture town he went to the prefect and told him what had happened. The prefect immediately sent a person to follow the fisherman and look for the trail markers. But he got lost and never found the way. Liu Zi Ji of Nanyang was a person of noble character. When he heard this story he was happy and planned to visit the Shangri-La but he died of illness before he could accomplish it. After that, no one else ever looked for the place. End of Peach Blossom Shangri-La by Tao Yuan-Ming. The Story of the Faithful Cat by Algrenan Bertram Freeman Mitford This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recorded by Clarica About sixty years ago in the summer time a man went to pay a visit at a certain house at Osaka and in the course of conversation said I have eaten some very extraordinary cakes today and on being asked what he meant he told the following story. I received the cakes from the relatives of a family who were celebrating the hundredth anniversary of the death of a cat that had belonged to their ancestors. When I asked the history of the affair I was told that in former days a young girl of the family when she was about sixteen years old used always to be followed about by a tomcat who was reared in the house so much so that the two were never separated for an instant. When her father perceived this he was very angry thinking that the tomcat forgetting the kindness with which he had been treated for years in the house had fallen in love with his daughter and intended to cast a spell upon her so he determined that he must kill the beast. As he was planning this in secret the cat overheard him and that night went to his pillow and assuming a human voice said to him you suspect me of being in love with your daughter and although you might well be justified in so thinking your suspicions are groundless. The fact is this there is a very large old rat who has been living for many years in your granary. Now it is this old rat who is in love with my young mistress and this is why I dare not leave her side for a moment for fear the old rat should carry her off. Therefore I pray you to dispel your suspicions but as I, by myself, am no match for the rat there is a famous cat named Bucci at the house of Mr. So-and-So at Ajikawa. If you will borrow that cat we will soon make an end of the old rat. When the father awoke from his dream he thought it so wonderful that he told the household of it and the following day he got up very early and went off to Ajikawa to inquire for the house which the cat had indicated and had no difficulty in finding it so he called upon the master of the house and told him what his own cat had said and how he wished to borrow the cat Bucci for a little while. That's a very easy matter to settle said the other pray take him with you at once and accordingly the father went home with the cat Bucci in charge. That night he put the two cats into the granary and after a little while a frightful clatter was heard and then all was still again. So the people of the house opened the door and crowded out to see what had happened and there they beheld the two cats and the rat all locked together and panting for breath. So they cut the throat of the rat which was as big as either of the cats. Then they attended to the two cats but although they gave them ginseng and other restoratives they both got weaker and weaker until at last they died. So the rat was thrown into the river but the two cats were buried with all honors in a neighboring temple. End of the story of the Faithful Cat by Algernon Bertram Freeman Mitford. Trustee John from the Blue Fairy Book by Andrew Lang. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org. Read by Clarica. Trustee John. Once upon a time there was an old king who was so ill that he thought to himself I am most likely on my deathbed. Then he said send Trustee John to me. Now Trustee John was his favorite servant and was so called because all his life he had served him so faithfully when he approached the bed the king spake to him. Most Trustee John I feel my end is drawing near and I could face it without a care were it not for my son. He is still too young to decide everything for himself and unless you promise me to instruct him in all he should know and to be to him as a father I shall not close my eyes in peace. Then Trustee John answered I will never desert him and will serve him faithfully even though it should cost me my life. Then the old king said now I die comforted and in peace. And then he went on after my death you must show him the whole castle all the rooms and apartments and vaults and all the treasures that lie in them but you must not show him the last room in the long passage where the picture of the princess of the golden roof is hidden. When he beholds that picture he will fall violently in love with it and go off into a dead faint and for her sake he will encounter many dangers you must guard him from this. And when Trustee John had again given the king his hand upon it the old man became silent laid his head on the pillow and died. When the old king had been carried to his grave Trustee John told the young king what he had promised his father on his deathbed and added and I shall assuredly keep my word and shall be faithful to you as I have been to him even though it should cost me my life. Now when the time of mourning was over Trustee John said to him it is time you should see your inheritance I will show you your ancestral castle so he took him over everything and let him see all the riches and splendid apartments only the one room where the picture was he did not open. But the picture was placed so that if the door opened you gazed straight upon it and it was so beautifully painted that you imagined it lived and moved and that it was the most lovable and beautiful thing in the whole world. But the young king noticed that Trustee John always missed the one door and said why do you never open this one for me there is something inside that would appall you he answered. But the king replied I have seen the whole castle and shall find out what is in there and with these words he approached the door and wanted to force it open. But Trustee John held him back and said I promised your father before his death that you shouldn't see what that room contains it might bring both you and me to great grief. Ah no answered the young king and if I don't get in it will be my certain destruction I should have no peace night or day till I had seen what was in the room with my own eyes. Now I won't budge from the spot till you have opened the door. Then Trustee John saw there was no way out of it so with a heavy heart and many sighs he took the key from the big bunch. When he had opened the door he stepped in first and thought to cover the likeness so that the king might not perceive it but it was hopeless. The king stood on tiptoe the picture of the maid so beautiful and glittering with gold and precious stones he fell swooning to the ground. Trustee John lifted him up carried him to bed and thought sorrowfully the curses come upon us gracious heaven what will be the end of it all then he poured wine down his throat till he came to himself again the first words he spoke were oh who is the original of that beautiful picture she is the princess of the golden roof answered Trustee John then the king continued my love for her is so great that if all the leaves on the trees had tongues they could not express it my very life depends on my winning her you are my most trusty John you must stand by me the faithful servant pondered long how they were to set about the matter for it was said to be difficult even to get into the presence of the princess at last he hit upon a plan and spoke to the king all the things she has about her the goldsmiths and all her household furniture are made of gold you have in your treasure five tons of gold let the goldsmiths of your kingdom manufacture them into all manner of vases and vessels into all sorts of bird and game and wonderful beasts that will please her we shall go to her with them and try our luck the king summoned all his goldsmiths and they had to work hard day and night till at length the most magnificent things were completed when a ship had been laden with them the faithful John disguised himself as a merchant and the king had to do the same so that they should be quite unrecognizable and so they crossed the seas and journeyed till they reached the town where the princess of the golden roof dwelt trusty John made the king remain behind on the ship and await his return perhaps I may bring the princess back with me so see that everything is in order let the gold ornaments be arranged and the whole ship decorated then he took a few of the gold things in his apron went ashore and proceeded straight to the palace when he came to the courtyard he found a beautiful maiden standing at the well drawing water with two golden pails and as she was about to carry away the glittering water she turned round and saw the stranger and asked him who he was then he replied I am a merchant and opening his apron he let her peep in oh my she cried what beautiful gold wears she set down her pails and examined one thing after the other then she said the princess must see this she has such a fancy for gold things that she will buy up all you have she took him by the hand and let him into the palace for she was the lady's maid when the princess had seen the wears she was quite enchanted and said they are all so beautifully made that I shall buy everything you have but trusty John said I am only the servant of a rich merchant what I have here is nothing compared to what my master has on his ship his merchandise is more artistic and costly than anything that has ever been made in gold before she desired to have everything brought up to her but he said there is such a quantity of things that it would take many days to bring them up and they would take up so many rooms that you would have no space for them in your house thus her desire and curiosity were excited to such an extent that at last she said to your ship I shall go there myself and view your master's treasures then trusty John was quite delighted and brought her to the ship and the king when he beheld her saw that she was even more beautiful than her picture and thought every moment that his heart would burst she stepped on to the ship and the king led her inside but trusty John remained behind with the steersmen and ordered the ship to push off spread all sail that we may fly on the ocean like a bird in the air meanwhile the king showed the princess inside all his gold wares every single bit of it dishes, goblets, bowls, the birds and game and all the wonderful beasts many hours passed thus and she was so happy that she did not notice that the ship was sailing away after she had seen the last thing she thanked the merchant and prepared to go home but when she came to the ship's side she saw that they were on the high seas far from land and that the ship was speeding on its way under full canvas oh she cried in terror I am deceived, carried away and betrayed into the power of a merchant I would rather have died but the king seized her hand and spake I am no merchant but a king of as high berth as yourself and it was my great love for you that made me carry you off by stratagem the first time I saw your likeness I fell to the ground in a swoon when the princess of the golden roof heard this she was comforted and her heart went out to him but she willingly consented to become his wife now it happened one day while they were sailing on the high seas the trusty john sitting on the four part of the ship fiddling away to himself observed three ravens in the air flying towards him he ceased playing and listened to what they were saying for he understood their language the one croaked ah ha! so he's bringing the princess of the golden roof home yes answered the second yes he has spake the third for she's sitting beside him on the ship then number one began again and cried that'll not help him when they reached the land a chestnut horse will dash forward to greet them the king will wish to mount it and if he does it will gallop away with him and disappear into the air and he will never see his bride again is there no escape for him asked number two oh yes if someone else mounts quickly and pulls her then the young king is saved but who's to do that and anyone who knows it and tells him will be turned into stone from his feet to his knees then spake number two I know more than that even if the horse is slain the young king will still not keep his bride when they enter the palace together they will find a ready-made wedding shirt and a cupboard which looks as though it were woven of golden silver but it's really made of nothing but sulfur and tar when the king puts it on it will burn him to his marrow number three asked is there no way of escape then oh yes answered number two if someone seizes the shirt with gloved hands and throws it into the fire and lets it burn then the young king is saved but what's the good anyone knowing this and telling it will have half his body turned into stone from his knees to his heart then number three spake I know yet more though the bridal shirt to be burnt the king hasn't even then secured his bride when the dance is held after the wedding and the young queen is dancing she will suddenly grow deadly white and drop down like one dead and unless someone lifts her up and draws three drops of blood from her right side and spits them out again she will die but if anyone who knows this betrays it he will be turned into stone from the crown of his head to the soles of his feet when the ravens had thus conversed they fled onward but trustee John had taken it all in and was sad and depressed from that time forward if he were silent to his master concerning what he had heard he would involve him in misfortune but if he took him into his confidence then he himself would forfeit his life at last he said I will stand by my master though it should be my ruin now when they drew near the land it came to pass just as the ravens had predicted and a splendid chestnut horse bounded forward capital said the king this animal shall carry me to my palace and was about to mount trustee John was too sharp for him and springing up quickly seized the pistol out of the holster and shot the horse dead then the other servants of the king who at no time looked favorably on trustee John cried out what a sin to kill the beautiful beast that was to bear the king to his palace but the king speck silence let him alone he is ever my most trustee John who knows for what good end he may have done this thing so they went on their way and entered the palace and stood a cupboard in which lay the ready-made bridal shirt looking for all the world as though it were made of golden silver the young king went toward it and was about to take hold of it but trustee John pushing him aside seized it with his gloved hands threw it hastily into the fire and let it burn the other servants commenced grumbling again and said see he's actually burning the king's bridal shirt but the young king spoke who knows for what good purpose he does it let him alone for he is my most trustee John then the wedding was celebrated the dance began and the bride joined in but trustee John watched her countenance carefully of a sudden she grew deadly white and fell to the ground as if she were dead he at once sprang hastily toward her lifted her up and bore her to a room where he laid her down and kneeling beside her he drew three drops of blood from her right side and spat them out she soon breathed again and came to herself but the young king had watched the proceeding and not knowing why trustee John had acted as he did he flew into a passion and cried throw him into prison on the following morning sentence was passed on trustee John and he was condemned to be hanged as he stood on the gallows he said everyone doomed to death has the right to speak once before he dies and I too have that privilege yes said the king it shall be granted to you so trustee John spoke I am unjustly condemned for I have always been faithful to you and he proceeded to relate how he had heard the ravens conversation on the sea and how he had to do all he did in order to save his master then the king cried oh my most trustee John pardon pardon take him down but as he uttered the last word trustee John had fallen lifeless to the ground and was a stone the king and queen were in despair and the king spoke ah how ill I have rewarded such great fidelity and made them lift up the stone image and place it in his bedroom near his bed as often as he looked at it he wept and said oh if I could only restore you to life my most trustee John after a time the queen gave birth to twins two small sons who throven grew and were a constant joy to her one day when the queen was at church and the two children sat and played with their father he gazed again full of grief on the stone statue and sighing welled oh if only I could restore you to life my most trustee John suddenly the stone began to speak and said yes you can restore me to life again if you are prepared to sacrifice what you hold most dear and the king cried out all I have in the world will I give up for your sake the stone continued if you cut off with your own hand the heads of your two children and smear me with their blood I shall come back to life the king was aghast when he heard that he himself had to put his children to death but when he thought of trustee John's fidelity and how he had even died for him he drew his sword and with his own hand cut the heads off his children and trustee John stood once more safe and sound before him he spake to the king your loyalty shall be rewarded and taking up the heads of the children he placed them on their bodies smeared the wounds with their blood and in a minute they were all right again and jumping about as if nothing had happened then the king was full of joy and when he saw the queen coming he hid trustee John and the two children in a big cupboard as she entered he said to her did you pray in church? yes she answered but my thoughts dwelt constantly on trustee John and of what he has suffered for us then he spake dear wife we can restore him to life but the price asked is our two little sons we must sacrifice them the queen grew white and her heart sank we owe it to him on account of his great fidelity that he rejoiced that she was of the same mind as he had been and going forward he opened the cupboard and fetched the two children and trustee John out saying God be praised trustee John is free once more and we have our two small sons again then he related to her all that had passed and they lived together happily ever afterward end of trustee John from the blue fairy book by Andrew Lang The Wrong Black Bag this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org this reading by Lucy Burgoyne The Wrong Black Bag by Angelo Lewis it was the eve of Good Friday within the modest parlor of number 13 Primrose Terrace a little man wearing a grey felt hat and a red neck tie stood admiring himself in the looking glass over the mantelpiece such a state of things anywhere else would have had no significance whatever but circumstances proverbially alter cases at 13 Primrose Terrace it approached the dimensions of the portent to keep the reader in suspense the little man was Benjamin Quelch clerk in the office of Mrs. Cobble and Clink coal merchants and he was about to carry out a desperate resolution most men have some secret ambition Benjamin's was two fold for years he had yearned to wear a soft felt hat and to make a trip to Paris and for years fate the person of Mrs. Quelch had stood in the way and prevented the indulgence of his longing Quelch being as we have hinted exceptionally small of statue had in accordance with mysterious law of opposites selected the largest lady of his acquaintance as the partner of his joys he himself was of a meek and retiring disposition Mrs. Quelch on the other hand was a woman of stern and decided temperament with strong views upon most subjects she administered Benjamin's finances regulated his diet and prescribed for him when his health was out of order though fond of him in her own way she ruled him with a rod of iron and on three points she was inflexible to make up for his insignificance of statue she insisted on his wearing the tallest hat that money could procure to the exclusion of all other headgear secondly on the ground that it looked more professional she would allow him none that black silk neck ties and lastly she would not let him smoke she had further an intense repugnance to all things foreign holding as an article of faith that no good thing whether in art cookery or murals was to be found on other than English soil when Benjamin once in a rash moment suggested a trip to belong by way of summer holiday the suggestion was received in a manner that took away his appetite for a week afterward the prohibition of smoking Quelch did not much mind for having in his salad days made trial of a cheap cigar the result somehow satisfies him that tobacco was not in his line and he ceased to yearn for it accordingly but the tall hat and the black tie were constant sources of irritation he had an idea based on his having once one adoring prize at school that nature had intended him for an artist and he secretly lamented the untoward fate which has thrown him away upon coals now the few artists Benjamin had chance to meet affected a soft and slouchy style of head gear and a considerable amount of freedom generally with a touch of color in the region of the neck such therefore in the fitness of things should have been the hat of Benjamin Quelch and the veto of his wife only made him yearn for them the more intensely in later years he had been seized with the longing to see Paris a chance that a clerk in the same office one Peter Flip had made one of the personally conducted party on a visit to the gay city the cost of the trip had been but five guineas but never were five guineas so magnificently invested there was a good deal of romance about Flip and it may be that his accounts were not entirely trustworthy but they so fired the imagination of our friend Benjamin that he had at once begun to hoard up-seraptitious sixpences with the hope that someday he too might by some unforeseen combination of circumstances be enabled to visit the enchanted city and at last that day had come Mrs. Quelch her three children and her one domestic had gone to low-stop for an Easter outing Benjamin and a deaf child woman Mrs. Widger being left in charge of the family belongings Benjamin's Easter holidays were limited to Good Friday and Easter Monday and as it seemed hardly worthwhile that he should travel so far as low-stop for such short periods Mrs. Quelch had thoughtfully arranged that he should spend the former day at the British Museum and the latter at the zoological gardens two days after her departure however Mr. Cobble called Quelch into his private office and told him that if he liked he might for once take holiday from Friday to Tuesday inclusive and join his wife at the seaside Quelch accepted the boon with an honest intention of employing it as suggested indeed he had even begun a letter to his wife announcing the pleasing intelligence and had got as far as my dear Penelope when a wild and wicked thought struck him why should he not spend his affected holiday in Paris laying down his pen he opened his desk and countered his secret hoard it amounted to five pounds seventeen twelve shillings more than flips outlay there was no difficulty in that direction and nobody would be any the wiser his wife would imagine that he was in London while his employers would believe him to be at low-stop there was a brief struggle in his mind but the tempter prevailed and with a courage worthy of a better cause he determined to risk it and go and thus it came to pass that on the evening of our story Benjamin Quelch having completed his packing which merely comprised what he was accustomed to call his night things neatly bestowed in a small black bag belonging to Mrs Quelch stood before the looking glass and contemplated his guilty splendor the red necktie and the soft grey felt hat purchased out of surplus funds he had expended a couple of guineas in a second class return ticket and another two pounds in coupons entitling him to bed breakfast and dinner for five days at certain specified hotels in Paris this outlay with half a crown for a pair of gloves and a bribe of five shillings to secure the silence of Mrs Widger left him with little more than a pound in hand but this small surplus would no doubt amply suffice for his modest needs his only regret as he gazed at himself in the glass was that he had not had time to grow a moustache the one thing needed to complete his artistic appearance the time was fleeting and he did not linger over the enticing picture he stole along the passage and softly opened the street door as he did so a sudden panic came over him and he felt half inclined to abandon his rash design but as he wavered he caught a sight of the detested tall hat hanging up in the passage and he hesitated no longer he passed out and closing the door behind him started at a brisk pace for Victoria Station his plans had been laid with much ingenuity though at a terrible sacrifice of his usual straightforwardness he had written a couple of letters to Mrs Quelch to be posted by Mrs Widger giving imaginary accounts of his visits to the British Museum and zoological gardens with pointed illusions to the behaviour of the elephant and other circumstantial particulars to ensure the posting of these in proper order he had marked the dates in pencil on the envelopes in the corner usually occupied by the postage stamp so that when the letter was affixed the figures would be concealed he explained the arrangement to Mrs Widger who promised that his instructions should be faithfully carried out after a sharp walk he reached the railway station and in due course found himself seeming across the channel to dipy the passage was not especially rough but to poor Quelch unaccustomed as he was to the sea and as if the boat must go to the bottom every moment to the bodily pains of seasickness were added the mental pains of remorse and between the two he reached dipy more dead than alive indeed he would almost have welcomed death as a release from his sufferings even when the boat had arrived at the pier he still remained in the berth he had occupied all night and had continued to lie there had not the steward lifted him by main force to his feet he seized his black bag with a groan and staggered on deck here he felt a little better but new terrors seized him at the sight of the gold laced officials and blue blouse porters who lined each side at the gangway all talking at the top of their voices and in tones which seemed to his unaccustomed ear to convey a thirst for British blood no sooner had he landed than he was accosted by a ferocious looking personage in truth a harmless custom house officer who asked him in French whether he had anything to declare and made a movement to take his bag in order to mark it as past Welch jumped to the conclusion that the stranger was a brigand bent on depriving him of his property and he held on to the bag with such tenacity that the dunia naturally inferred there was something specially contrabanned about it he proceeded to open it and produced among sundry other feminine belongings a lady's frilled and fervour load nightdress from which as he enrolled it fell a couple of bundles of cigars Benjamin's look of astonishment as he saw these unexpected articles produced from his handbag was interpreted by the officials as a look of guilt as a matter of fact half stupefied by the agonies of the night he had forgotten the precise spot where he had left his own bag and had picked up in its stead one belonging to the wife of the sporting gentleman on his way to some races at longchamps desiring to smuggle a few weeds and deeming that the presence of such articles would be less likely to be suspected among a lady's belongings the sporting gentleman had committed them to his companion's keeping handbags as a rule are passed unopened and such would probably have been the case in the present instant had not quelch's look of panic had suspected suspicion the real owners of the bag had picked up quelch's which it precisely resembled and were close behind him on the gangway the lady uttered an exclamation of dismay as she saw the contents of her bag spread abroad by the customs officer that was promptly silenced by her husband keep your blessed tongue quiet he whispered to sneak our bag and then to give himself away to the first man that looks at him he must stand the racket were upon the sporting gentleman and lady first taking a quiet peep into Benjamin's bag to make sure that it contained nothing compromising passed the examiner with a smile of conscience innocence and after an interval for refreshment at the buffet took their seats in the train to Paris meanwhile poor quelch was taking before a pompous individual with an extra large moustache and a double allowance of gold lace on his cap and charged not only with defrauding the revenue but with forcibly resisting an officer in the execution of his duty the accusation being in French quelch did not understand a word of it and in his ignorance took it for granted that he was accused of stealing the strange bag and its contents visions of imprisonment penal servitude no even capital punishment floated before his bewildered brain finally the official with a large moustache made a speech to him in French setting forth that for his dishonest attempt to smuggle he must pay a fine of a hundred francs with regard to the assault on the official as said official was not much heard he graciously agreed to throw that in and make no charge for it when he had fully explained matters to his own satisfaction he waited to receive the answer of the prisoner but none was forthcoming for the best of reasons it finally dawned on the official that quelch might not understand French when he therefore proceeded to address him in what he considered to be his native tongue you smuggle smuggle seeker send it must that you pay a mint hundred francs you may understand hundred francs pay pay pay at each repetition of the last word he brought down a dirty fist into the palm of the opposite hand immediately under quelch's nose hundred francs English money 400 quelch caught the last words and was relieved to find that it was merely a money payment that was demanded of him but he was little better off for having bet a few shillings in his pocket to pay four pounds was as much out of his power as if it had been 400 he determined to appeal to the not got he said apologetically with the vague idea that by speaking very elementary English he came somehow nearer to French that all he continued producing his little store and holding it out beseechingly to the official par assist not enough quelch tried again in all his pockets but only succeeded in finding another thrippany piece the offices shook his head and after a brief discussion with his fellows said comment vous appelez vous Montu how do you call yourself with a vague idea of keeping his disgrace from his friends quelch rashly determined to give a false name if he had had a few minutes to think it over he would have invented one for the occasion that his imagination was not accustomed to such sudden calls and on the question being repeated he desperately gave the name of his next door neighbour Mr Henry floodgate Henry floodgate repeated the officer as he wrote it down hey vous demauré you live where and quelch proceeded to give the address of Mr floodgate 11 primrose terrace trade the end I sent telegram and poor Benjamin was ignominously marched to the local police station meanwhile quelch's arrangements at home were scarcely working as he had intended the estimable Mrs Widger partly by reason of her deafness and partly of native stupidity had only half understood his instructions about the letters she knew she was to stamp them and she knew she was to post them but the dates in the corners might have been runic inscriptions for any idea they conveyed to her obfuscated intellect accordingly the first time she visited her usual house of call which was early on the morning of Good Friday she proceeded in her own language to get the dratted things off her mind by dropping them both into the nearest pillar box on the following day therefore Mrs quelch at law stopped was surprised to find on the breakfast table two letters in her Benjamin's handwriting her surprise was still greater when on opening them she found one to be a graphic account of a visit to the zoological gardens on the following Monday the conclusion was obvious either Benjamin had turned profit and had somehow got ahead of the almanac or he was carrying on in some very underhand manner Mrs quelch decided for the latter alternative and determined to get to the bottom of the matter at once she cut a sandwich put on her bonnet and grasping her umbrella in a manner which voted no good for anyone who stayed her progress started by the next train for Liverpool street on reaching home she extracted from the weeping widger who had just been spending the last of Benjamin's five shillings and was far gone in depression and gin and water that a good gentleman had not been home since Thursday night this was bad enough but there was still more conclusive evidence that he was not to no good in the shape of his tall hat which hung silent accuser on the last peg in the passage having pumped Mrs Widger till there was no more saved tears to be pumped out of her Mrs quelch still firmly grasping her umbrella proceeded next door on the chance that her neighbour Mrs cladgate might be able to give her some information she found Mrs cladgate weeping in the parlour with an open telegram before her being a woman who did not stand upon ceremony she read the telegram which was dated from Dipey and ran as follows Montsue floodgate he detained for to have smuggled cigars fined to pay 100 franc send money and he will be released oh the men the men ejaculated Mrs quelch as she dropped into an armchair they're all alike first Benjamin and now floodgate I shouldn't wonder if they had gone off together you don't mean to say Mr quelch has gone too sob Mrs floodgate he has taken a shameful advantage of my absence he has not been home since Thursday evening and his hat is hanging up in the hall you don't think he has been murdered I'm not afraid of that replied Mrs quelch it wouldn't be worth anybody's while but what has he got on his head that's what I want to know of course if he's with Mr floodgate in some foreign den of iniquity that accounts for it don't foreigners wear hats inquired Mrs floodgate innocently not the respectable English thought I'll bet bound replied Mrs quelch some outlandish rubbish I daresay but I thought Mr floodgate on his scotch journey Mr floodgate it should be stated was a traveller in the oil and colour line so he is I mean so he ought to be in fact I expected him home today he's in prison and I may never see him any more and Mrs floodgate wept afresh stuff and nonsense retorted Mrs quelch you've only to send the money they asked for and they'll be glad enough to get rid of him but I wouldn't hurry I'd let him wait a bit you'll see him soon enough never fear the prophecy was fulfilled sooner than the prophet expected scarcely were the words out of her mouth when a cab was heard to draw up at the door and a moment later floodgate himself a big jovial man wearing a white hat very much on one side entered the room and threw a bundle of rugs on the sofa home again old girl and glad of it morning Mrs quelch said the newcomer Mrs floodgate gazed at him doubtfully for a moment and then flung her arms round his neck ejaculating save, save Martha said Mrs quelch reprovingly have you no self respect is this the way you deal so shameful a deception then turning the supposed defender so Mr floodgate have escaped from your foreign prison foreign how much have you both gone dotty ladies I've just escaped from a third class carriage on the London and north western the space is limited but I never heard it called a foreign prison it is useless to endeavour to deceive us said Mrs quelch sternly look at that telegram Mr floodgate and deny it if you can you have been getting about in some vile foreign place with my misguided husband oh quelch isn't it too easy then it must be a bad case but let's see what we have been up to for pardon my word I'm quite in the dark at present he held in his hand for the telegram and read it carefully somebody's been having a life with you old lady he said to his wife you know well enough where I've been my regular northern journey and nowhere else I don't believe a word of it said Mrs quelch you men are all alike deceivers every one of you much obliged for your good opinion Mrs quelch I had no idea quelch was such a bad lot but so far as I am concerned the things easily tested here is the bill for my bed last night at Carlisle now if I was in Carlisle I'm larking about at Dipe at the same time perhaps you'll kindly explain how I managed it Mrs quelch was staggered but not convinced but if if you were at Carlisle where is Benjamin and what does this telegram mean not being a wizard I really can't say but concerning Mrs quelch we shall find him never fear when did he disappear Mrs quelch told her story not forgetting the mysterious letter I think I see daylight said floodgate the party who has got into the mess is quelch and being frightened out of his wits he has given my name instead of his own that's about the size of it but Benjamin doesn't smoke and he comes to be a dyping went for a holiday I suppose as for smoking I shouldn't have thought he was up to it but with that sat upon thought of man begging your pardon Mrs quelch you never know where he may break out worms will turn you know and sometimes they take a wrong turning but Benjamin would never dare that's just it he didn't do anything to get your eye on him when you haven't perhaps he may and perhaps he may the fact is you hold up his head too tight and if he dibs now and then you can't wonder at it you have a very coarse way of putting things Mr floodgate Mr quelch is not a horse that I am aware of we won't quarrel about the animal my dear madam but you may depend upon it a hardened villain like myself say would never have got into such a scrape but quelch don't know enough of the will to keep himself out of Mr they've got him in quite that's clear and the best thing you can do is to send the coin and get him out again send money to those swindling Frenchmen never if Benjamin is in prison I will fetch him out myself you would never risk that dreadful sea passage exclaim Mrs floodgate and how will you manage the language you don't understand French oh I shall do very well said the heroic woman they won't talk French to me that same night a female passenger crossed by the boat from New Haven to Dipe the passage was rough and the passenger was very seasick but she still sat grimly upright never for one moment relaxing her grasp on the handle of her silk umbrella what she went through on landing how she finally obtained her husband's release and what explanations passed between the reunited pair must be left to the reader's imagination the Mrs quelch never told the story 24 hours later a four wheel cab drew up at the quelch's door and from it descended firstly a stately female and then a woe-begone little man in a soft felt hat and a red-necked tie both sorely crushed and soiled with a black bag in his hand is there a fire in the kitchen asked Mrs quelch the moment she set foot in the house being assured that there was she proceeded down the kitchen stairs quelch meagly followed her now she said pointing to the black bag those things Benjamin opened the bag and trembling took out the frilled nightdress and the cigars his wife pointed to the fire and he meagly laid them on it now that necktie the necktie followed the cigars and that thing and the hat crowned the funeral pile the smell was peculiar and to the ordinary nose disagreeable but to Mrs quelch it was as the odor of burnt incense she watched the heap as it smoldered away and finally dispersed the embers via vigorous application of the poker now Benjamin she said to her trembling spouse I forgive you but if ever again the warning was left unspoken but it was not completed Benjamin's one experience has more than satisfied his yearning for soft raiment and foreign travel and his hats are taller than ever End of story