 The second part of Chapter 17 of Women in Love. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Ruth Golding. Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence. The second part of Chapter 17, The Industrial Magnet. Meanwhile, as the father drifted more and more out of life, Gerald experienced more and more a sense of exposure. His father, after all, had stood for the living world to him. Whilst his father lived Gerald was not responsible for the world. But now his father was passing away Gerald found himself left exposed and unready before the storm of living, like the mutinous first mate of a ship that has lost his captain and who sees only a terrible chaos in front of him. He did not inherit an established order and a living idea. The whole unifying idea of mankind seemed to be dying with his father. The centralising force that had held the whole together seemed to collapse with his father. The parts were ready to go asunder in terrible disintegration. Gerald was as if left on board of a ship that was going asunder beneath his feet. He was in charge of a vessel whose timbers were all coming apart. He knew that all his life he had been wrenching at the frame of life to break it apart. And now, with something of the terror of a destructive child, he saw himself on the point of inheriting his own destruction. And during the last months under the influence of death and of Birkin's talk and of Gudrun's penetrating being, he had lost entirely that mechanical certainty that had been his triumph. Because spasms of hatred came over him against Birkin and Gudrun and that whole set. He wanted to go back to the dullest conservatism, to the most stupid of conventional people. He wanted to revert to the strictest Toryism, but the desire did not last long enough to carry him into action. During his childhood and his boyhood he had wanted a sort of savagedom. The days of Homo were his ideal, when a man was chief of an army of heroes, or spent his years in wonderful odyssey. He hated remorselessly the circumstances of his own life, so much that he never really saw Beldover in the Collary Valley. He turned his face entirely away from the blackened mining region that stretched away on the right hand of Shortlands. He turned entirely to the country and the woods beyond willy water. It was true that the panting and rattling of the coal mines could always be heard at Shortlands. But from his earliest childhood Gerald had paid no heed to this. He had ignored the whole of the industrial sea which surged in coal blackened tides against the grounds of the house. The world was really a wilderness where one hunted and swam and rode. He rebelled against all authority. Life was a condition of savage freedom. Then he had been sent away to school which was so much death to him. He refused to go to Oxford, choosing a German university. He had spent a certain time at Bonn, at Berlin, and at Frankfurt. There a curiosity had been aroused in his mind. He wanted to see and to know in a curious objective fashion as if it were an amusement to him. Then he must try war. Then he must travel into the savage regions that had so attracted him. The result was he found humanity very much alike everywhere. And to a mind like his, curious and cold, the savage was duller, less exciting than the European. So he took hold of all kinds of sociological ideas and ideas of reform. But they never went more than skin deep, they were never more than a mental amusement. Their interest lay chiefly in the reaction against the positive order, the destructive reaction. He discovered at last a real adventure in the coal mines. His father asked him to help in the firm. Gerald had been educated in the science of mining and it had never interested him. Now suddenly with a sort of exultation he laid hold of the world. There was, impressed photographically on his consciousness, the great industry. Suddenly it was real. He was part of it. Down the valley ran the colliery railway linking mine with mine. Down the railway ran the trains, short trains of heavily laden trucks, long trains of empty wagons, each one bearing in big white letters the initials C, B and Co. These white letters on all the wagons he had seen since his first childhood and it was as if he had never seen them, they were so familiar and so ignored. Now at last he saw his own name written on the wall. Now he had a vision of power. So many wagons bearing his initial running all over the country. He saw them as he entered London in the train. He saw them at Dover, so far his power ramified. He looked at Beldover, at Selby, at Watmore, at Leslie Bank, the great colliery villages which depended entirely on his mines. They were hideous and sordid. During his childhood there had been sores in his consciousness. And now he saw them with pride. Four raw new towns and many ugly industrial hamlets were crowded under his dependence. He saw the stream of miners flowing along the causeways from the mines at the end of the afternoon, thousands of blackened, slightly distorted human beings with red mouths, all moving subject to his will. He pushed slowly in his motor-car through the little market-top on Friday nights in Beldover, through a solid mass of human beings that were making their purchases and doing their weekly spending. They were all subordinate to him. They were ugly and uncouth, but they were his instruments. He was the god of the machine. They made way for his motor-car automatically, slowly. He did not care whether they made way with alacrity or grudgingly. He did not care what they thought of him. His vision had suddenly crystallized. Suddenly he had conceived the pure instrumentality of mankind. There had been so much humanitarianism, so much talk of sufferings and feelings. It was ridiculous. The sufferings and feelings of individuals did not matter in the least. They were mere conditions, like the weather. What mattered was the pure instrumentality of the individual, as a man, as of a knife. Does it cut well? Nothing else mattered. Everything in the world has its function, and is good or not good, in so far as it fulfills this function more or less perfectly. Was a miner a good miner? Then he was complete. Was a manager a good manager? That was enough. Gerald himself, who was responsible for all this industry, was he a good director? If he were, he had fulfilled his life. The rest was by-play. The mines were there, they were old, they were giving out. It did not pay to work the seams. There was talk of closing down two of them. It was at this point that Gerald arrived on the scene. He looked around. There lay the mines. They were old, obsolete. They were like old lions, no more good. He looked again. The mines were nothing but the clumsy efforts of impure minds. There they lay, abortions of a half-trained mind. Let the idea of them be swept away. He cleared his brain of them, and thought only of the coal in the under-earth. How much was there? There was plenty of coal. The old workings could not get at it, that was all. Then break the neck of the old workings. The coal lay there in its seams, even though the seams were thin. There it lay, inert matter, as it had always lain since the beginning of time, subject to the will of man. The will of man was the determining factor. Man was the arch-god of earth. His mind was obedient to serve his will. Man's will was the absolute, the only absolute. And it was his will to subjugate matter to his own ends. The subjugation itself was the point. The fight was the be-all. The fruits of victory were mere results. It was not for the sake of money that Gerald took over the mines. He did not care about money fundamentally. He was neither ostentatious nor luxurious. Neither did he care about social position, not finally. What he wanted was the pure fulfilment of his own will in the struggle with the natural conditions. His will was now to take the coal out of the earth profitably. The profit was merely the condition of victory, but the victory itself lay in the feet achieved. He vibrated with zest before the challenge. Every day he was in the mines, examining, testing. He consulted experts. He gradually gathered the whole situation into his mind, as a general grasps the plan of his campaign. Then there was need for a complete break. The mines were run on an old system, an obsolete idea. The initial idea had been to obtain as much money from the earth as would make the owners comfortably rich, would allow the workmen sufficient wages and good conditions, and would increase the wealth of the country altogether. Gold's father, following in the second generation, having a sufficient fortune, had thought only of the men. The mines for him were primarily great fields to produce bread and plenty for all the hundreds of human beings gathered about them. He had lived and striffened with his fellow owners to benefit the men every time, and the men had been benefited in their fashion. There were few poor and few needy. All was plenty, because the mines were good and easy to work. And the miners, in those days, finding themselves richer than they might have expected, felt glad and triumphant. They thought themselves well off. They congratulated themselves on their good fortune. They remembered how their fathers had starved and suffered, and they felt that better times had come. They were grateful to those others, the pioneers, the new owners, who had opened out the pits and let forth this stream of plenty. But man is never satisfied. And so the miners, from gratitude to their owners, passed on to murmuring. Their sufficiency decreased with knowledge. They wanted more. Why should the master be so out of all proportion rich? There was a crisis when Gerald was a boy, when the master's federation closed down the mines, because the men would not accept a reduction. This lockout had forced home the new conditions to Thomas cry. Belonging to the federation, he had been compelled by his honour to close the pits against his men. He, the father, the patriarch, was forced to deny the means of life to his sons, his people. He, the rich man who would hardly enter heaven because of his possessions, must now turn upon the poor, upon those who were nearer Christ and himself, those who were humble and despised and closer to perfection, those who were manly and noble in their labours, and must say to them, Ye shall neither labour nor eat bread. It was this recognition of the state of war which really broke his heart. He wanted his industry to be run on love. Or he wanted love to be the directing power, even of the mines. And now, from under the cloak of love, the sword was cynically drawn, the sword of mechanical necessity. This really broke his heart. He must have the illusion, and now the illusion was destroyed. The men were not against him, but they were against the masters. It was war. And willy-nilly he found himself on the wrong side in his own conscience. Seething masses of miners met daily, carried away by a new religious impulse. The idea flew through them all men are equal on earth, and they would carry the idea to its material fulfilment. After all, is it not the teaching of Christ? And what is an idea, if not the germ of action in the material world? All men are equal in spirit, they are all sons of God. Whence, then, this obvious disquality? It was a religious creed pushed to its material conclusion. Thomas Cry at least had no answer. He could but admit, according to his sincere tenets, that the disquality was wrong. But he could not give up his goods, which were the stuff of disquality. So the men would fight for their rights. The last impulses of the last religious passion left on earth, the passion for equality, inspired them. Everything mobs of men marched about, their faces lighted up as for holy war, with a smoke of cupidity. How disentangle the passion for equality from the passion of cupidity, when begins the fight for equality of possessions. But the God was the machine. Each man claimed equality in the God-head of the great productive machine. Every man equally was part of this God-head. But somehow, somewhere, Thomas Cry knew this was false. When the machine is the God-head, and production or work is worship, then the most mechanical mind is purest and highest, the representative of God on earth, and the rest are subordinate, each according to his degree. Riots broke out. What more pit-head was in flames? This was the pit furthest in the country near the woods. Soldiers came. From the windows of shortland on that fatal day could be seen the flare of fire in the sky not far off. And now the little colliery train, with the workman's carriages which were used to convey the miners to the distant Watmore, was crossing the valley full of soldiers, full of redcoats. Then there was the far-off sound of firing. Then the later news that the mob was dispersed, one man was shot dead. The fire was put out. Gerald, who was a boy, was filled with the wildest excitement and delight. He longed to go with the soldiers to shoot the men. But he was not allowed to go out of the lodge gates. At the gates were stationed sentries with guns. Gerald stood near them in delight, whilst gangs of derisive miners strolled up and down the lanes, calling and jeering. Now then, three apathocoppers, let's see thee shoot thy gun! Insults were chalked on the walls and the fences. The servants left. And all this while Thomas Crye was breaking his heart and giving away hundreds of pounds in charity. Somewhere there was free food, a surfeit of free food. Anybody could have bread for asking, and a loaf cost only three havens. Every day there was a free tea somewhere. The children had never had so many treats in their lives. On Friday afternoon great basketfuls of buns and cakes were taken into the schools and great pictures of milk. The school children had what they wanted. They were sick with eating too much cake and milk. And then it came to an end, and the men went back to work. But it was never the same as before. There was a new situation created, a new idea reigned. Even in the machine there should be equality. No part should be subordinate to any other part, all should be equal. The instinct for chaos had entered. Mystic equality lies in abstraction, not in having or in doing which are processes. In function and process one man, one part, must of necessity be subordinate to another. It is a condition of being. But the desire for chaos had risen. And the idea of mechanical equality was the weapon of disruption which should execute the will of man, the will for chaos. Gerald was a boy at the time of the strike, but he longed to be a man to fight the Colliers. The father, however, was trapped between two half truths and broken. He wanted to be a pure Christian, one and equal with all men. He even wanted to give away all he had to the poor. Yet he was a great promoter of industry, and he knew perfectly that he must keep his goods and keep his authority. This was as divine a necessity in him, as the need to give away all he possessed, more divine even, since this was the necessity he acted upon. Yet, because he did not act on the other ideal, it dominated him. He was dying of chagra because he must forfeit it. He wanted to be a father of loving kindness and sacrificial benevolence. The Colliers shouted to him about his thousands a year. They would not be deceived. When Gerald grew up in the ways of the world he shifted the position. He did not care about the equality. The whole Christian attitude of love and self-sacrifice was old hat. He knew that position and authority were the right thing in the world and it was useless to count about it. They were the right thing for the simple reason that they were functionally necessary. They were not the be-all and the end-all. It was like being part of a machine. He himself happened to be a controlling central part. The masses of men were the parts variously controlled. This was merely as it happened. As well get excited because a central hub drives a hundred outer wheels, or because the whole universe wheels round the sun. After all it would be mere silliness to say that the moon and the earth and Saturn and Jupiter and Venus have just as much right to be the centre of the universe, each of them separately, as the sun. Such an assertion is made merely in the desire of chaos. And bothering to think to a conclusion, Gerald jumped to a conclusion. He abandoned the whole democratic equality problem as a problem of silliness. What mattered was the great social productive machine. Let that work perfectly. Let it produce a sufficiency of everything. Let every man be given a rational portion greater or less according to his functional degree or magnitude. And then, provision made, let the devil's supervene, let every man look after his own amusements and appetites, so long as he interfered with nobody. So Gerald set himself to work to put the great industry in order. In his travels and in his accompanying readings, he had come to the conclusion that the essential secret of life was harmony. He did not define to himself at all clearly what harmony was. The word pleased him. He felt he had come to his own conclusions, and he proceeded to put his philosophy into practice by forcing order into the established world, translating the mystic word harmony into the practical word organization. Only he saw the firm, he realized what he could do. He had a fight to fight with matter, with the earth and the coal it enclosed. This was the sole idea, to turn upon the inanimate matter of the underground and reduce it to his will. And for this fight with matter one must have perfect instruments in perfect organization, a mechanism so subtle and harmonious in its workings, that it represents the single mind of man, and by its relentless repetition of given movement will accomplish a purpose irresistibly, inhumanly. It was this inhuman principle in the mechanism he wanted to construct that inspired Gerald with an almost religious exaltation. He the man could interpose a perfect, changeless, godlike medium between himself and the matter he had to subjugate. There were two opposites, his will and the resistant matter of the earth. And between these he could establish the very expression of his will, the incarnation of his power, a great and perfect machine, a system, an activity of pure order, pure mechanical repetition. Repetition add infinitum, hence eternal and infinite. He found his eternal and his infinite in the pure machine principle of perfect coordination into one pure, complex, infinitely repeated motion, like the spinning of a wheel. But a productive spinning, as the revolving of the universe may be called a productive spinning, a productive repetition through eternity to infinity. And this is the god-motion, this productive repetition add infinitum. And Gerald was the god of the machine, Deus ex machina. And the whole productive will of man was the godhead. He had his life work now, to extend over the earth a great and perfect system in which the will of man ran smooth and unthwarted, timeless, a godhead in process. He had to begin with the minds. The terms were given, first the resistant matter of the underground, then the instruments of its subjugation, instruments human and metallic, and finally his own pure will, his own mind. It would need a marvellous adjustment of myriad instruments, human, animal, metallic, kinetic, a marvellous casting of myriad tiny holes into one great perfect entirety. And then in this case there was perfection attained. The will of the highest was perfectly fulfilled. The will of mankind was perfectly enacted. For was not mankind mystically contradistinguished against inanimate matter, was not the history of mankind just the history of the conquest of the one by the other. The miners were overreached, while they were still in the toils of divine equality of man Gerald had passed on, granted essentially their case, and proceeded in his quality of human being to fulfil the will of mankind as a whole. He merely represented the miners in a higher sense when he perceived that the only way to fulfil perfectly the will of man was to establish the perfect inhuman machine. But he represented them very essentially. They were far behind, out of date, squabbling for their material equality. The desire had already transmuted into this new and greater desire for a perfect intervening mechanism between man and matter, the desire to translate the Godhead into pure mechanism. As soon as Gerald entered the firm, the convulsion of death ran through the old system. He had all his life been tortured by a furious and destructive demon, which possessed him sometimes like an insanity. This temper now entered like a virus into the firm, and there were cruel eruptions. Terrible and inhuman were his examinations into every detail. There was no privacy he would spare, no old sentiment, but he would turn it over. The old grey managers, the old grey clerks, the dodgering old pensioners, he looked at them and removed them as so much lumber. The whole concern seemed like a hospital of invalid employees. He had no emotional qualms, he arranged what pensions were necessary, he looked for efficient substitutes, and when these were found he substituted them for the old hands. I have a pitiful letter here from Leatherington, his father would say, in a tone of deprecation and appeal. Don't you think the poor fellow might keep on a little longer? I always fancied he did rather well. I've got a man in his place now, father. He'll be happier out of it, believe me. You think his allowance is plenty, don't you? It is not the allowance that he wants, poor man. He feels it very much that he is superannuated, says he thought he had twenty more years of work in him yet. Instead of this kind of work I want, he doesn't understand. The father sighed. He wanted not to know any more. He believed the pits would have to be overhauled if they were to go on working, and after all it would be worse in the long run for every body if they must close down. So he could make no answer to the appeals of his old and trusty servants. He could only repeat, Gerald says. So the father drew more and more out of the light. The whole frame of the real life was broken for him. He had been right, according to his lights, and his lights had been those of the great religion. Yet they seemed to have become obsolete, to be superseded in the world. He could not understand. He only withdrew with his lights into an inner room, into the silence. The beautiful candles of belief, that would not do to light the world any more, they would still burn sweetly and sufficiently in the inner room of his soul, and in the silence of his retirement. Gerald rushed into the reform of the firm, beginning with the office. It was needful to economise severely to make possible the great alterations he must introduce. What are these widow's coals, he asked? We have always allowed all widows of men who worked for the firm a load of coals every three months. They must pay cost price henceforward. The firm is not a charity institution, as everybody seems to think. Those, these stock figures of sentimental humanitarianism, he felt a dislike at the thought of them. They were almost repulsive. Why were they not immolated on the pyre of the husband like the sati in India? At any rate, let them pay the cost of their coals. In a thousand ways he cut down the expenditure, in ways so fine as to be hardly noticeable to the men. The miners must pay for the cartage of their coals, heavy cartage too. They must pay for their tools, for the sharpening, for the care of lamps, for the many trifling things that made the bill of charges against every man mount up to a shilling or so in the week. It was not grasped very definitely by the miners, though they were sore enough, but it saved hundreds of pounds every week for the firm. Partially Gerald got hold of everything, and then began the great reform. Expert engineers were introduced in every department. An enormous electric plant was installed, both for lighting and for haulage underground, and for power. The electricity was carried into every mine. New machinery was brought from America, such as the miners had never seen before. Great iron men, as the cutting machines were called, and unusual appliances. The working of the pits was thoroughly changed, all the control was taken out of the hands of the miners. The butty system was abolished. Everything was run on the most accurate and delicate scientific method. Educated and expert men were in control everywhere. The miners were reduced to mere mechanical instruments. They had to work hard, much harder than before. The work was terrible and heartbreaking in its mechanicalness. But they submitted to it all. The joy went out of their lives. The hope seemed to perish as they became more and more mechanized. And yet they accepted the new conditions. They even got a further satisfaction out of them. At first they hated Gerald Crye. They swore to do something to him, to murder him. But as time went on they accepted everything with some fatal satisfaction. Gerald was their high priest. He represented the religion they really felt. His father was forgotten already. There was a new world, a new order, strict, terrible, inhuman. But satisfying in its very destructiveness. The men were satisfied to belong to the great and wonderful machine, even whilst it destroyed them. It was what they wanted. It was the highest that man had produced, the most wonderful and superhuman. They were exalted by belonging to this great and superhuman system which was beyond feeling or reason, something really godlike. Their hearts died within them, but their souls were satisfied. It was what they wanted. Otherwise Gerald could never have done what he did. He was just ahead of them in giving them what they wanted. This participation in a great and perfect system that subjected life to pure mathematical principles. This was a sort of freedom, the sorts they really wanted. It was the first great step in undoing the first great phase of chaos, the substitution of the mechanical principle for the organic, the destruction of the organic purpose, the organic unity, and the subordination of every organic unit to the great mechanical purpose. It was pure organic disintegration and pure mechanical organisation. This is the first and finest state of chaos. Gerald was satisfied. He knew the Colliers said they hated him, but he had long ceased to hate them. When they streamed past him at evening, their heavy boots slurring on the pavement wearily, their shoulders slightly distorted, they took no notice of him, they gave him no greeting whatever. They passed in a grey-black stream of unemotional acceptance. They were not important to him save as instruments, nor he to them save as a supreme instrument of control. As miners they had their being, he had his being as director. He admired their qualities, but as men personalities they were just accidents, sporadic little unimportant phenomena. And tacitly the men agreed to this, for Gerald agreed to it in himself. He had succeeded. He had converted the industry into a new and terrible purity. There was a greater output of coal than ever. The wonderful and delicate system ran almost perfectly. He had a set of really clever engineers, both mining and electrical, and they did not cost much. A highly educated man cost very little more than a workman. His managers, who were all rare men, were no more expensive than the old bungling fools of his father's days, who were merely colliers promoted. His chief manager, who had twelve hundred a year, saved the firm at least five thousand. The whole system was now so perfect that Gerald was hardly necessary anymore. It was so perfect that sometimes a strange fear came over him, and he did not know what to do. He went on for some years in a sort of chance of activity. What he was doing seemed supreme. He was almost like a divinity. He was a pure and exalted activity. But now he had succeeded. He had finally succeeded. And once or twice lately, when he was alone in the evening and had nothing to do, he had suddenly stood up in terror, not knowing what he was. And he went to the mirror and looked long and closely at his own face, at his own eyes, seeking for something. He was afraid, in mortal, dry fear, but he knew not what of. He looked at his own face. There it was shapely and healthy and the same as ever, yet somehow it was not real. It was a mask. He dared not touch it, for fear it should prove to be only a composition mask. His eyes were blue and keen as ever and as firm in their sockets, yet he was not sure that they were not blue, false bubbles that would burst in a moment and leave clear annihilation. He could see the darkness in them as if they were only bubbles of darkness. He was afraid that one day he would break down and be a purely meaningless babble lapping round a darkness. But his will yet held good. He was able to go away and read and think about things. He liked to read books about the primitive man, books of anthropology and also works of speculative philosophy. His mind was very active, but it was like a bubble floating in the darkness. At any moment it might burst and leave him in chaos. He would not die. He knew that he would go on living, but the meaning would have collapsed out of him. His divine reason would be gone. In a strangely indifferent sterile way he was frightened, but he could not react even to the fear. It was as if his senses of feeling were drying up. He remained calm, calculative and healthy and quite freely deliberate, even whilst he felt with faint small but final sterile horror that his mystic reason was breaking, giving way now at this crisis. And it was a strain. He knew there was no equilibrium. He would have to go in some direction shortly to find relief. Only Birkin kept the fear definitely off him, saved him his quick sufficiency in life, by the odd mobility and changeableness which seemed to contain the quintessence of faith. But then Gerald must always come away from Birkin, as from a church service, back to the outside real world of work and life. There it was. It did not alter, and words were futilities. He had to keep himself in reckoning with the world of work and material life, and it became more and more difficult such a strange pressure was upon him, as if the very middle of him were a vacuum, and outside were an awful tension. He had found his most satisfactory relief in women. After a debauched with some desperate woman, he went on quite easy and forgetful. The devil of it was, it was so hard to keep up his interest in women nowadays. He did not care about them any more. A pussum was all right in her way, but she was an exceptional case, and even she matted extremely little. No. Women in that sense were useless to him any more. He felt that his mind needed acute stimulation, before he could be physically roused. End of Chapter 17, Recording by Ruth Golding Chapter 18 of Women in Love She knew it was a critical thing for her to go to Shortlands. She knew it was equivalent to accepting Gerald Crye as a lover. And though she hung back, disliking the condition, yet she knew she would go on. She equivocated. She said to herself in torment, recalling the blow and the kiss, after all, what is it? What is a kiss? What even is a blow? It is an instant, vanished at once. I can go to Shortlands just for a time before I go away, if only to see what it is like. For she had an insatiable curiosity to see and to know everything. She also wanted to know what Winifred was really like. Having heard the child calling from the steamer in the night, she felt some mysterious connection with her. Gudrun talked with the father in the library. Then he sent for his daughter. She came accompanied by Mam Zell. Winnie, this is Miss Brangwynne, who will be so kind as to help you with your drawing and making models of your animals, said the father. The child looked at Gudrun for a moment with interest, before she came forward and with faith averted, offered her hand. There was a complete sans-frois and indifference under Winifred's childish reserve, a certain irresponsible callousness. How do you do? said the child, not lifting her face. How do you do? said Gudrun. Then Winifred stood aside and Gudrun was introduced to Mam Zell. You have a fine day for your work? said Mam Zell in a bright manner. Quite fine, said Gudrun. Winifred was watching from her distance. She was, as if amused, but rather unsure as yet, what this new person was like. She saw so many new persons, and so few who became real to her. Mam Zell was of no count whatever. The child merely put up with her calmly and easily, accepting her little authority with faint scorn, compliant out of childish arrogance of indifference. Well, Winifred, said the father, aren't you glad Miss Brangwyn has come? She makes animals and birds in wood and in clay that the people in London write about in the papers, praising them to the skies. Winifred smiled slightly. Who told you, Daddy? she asked. Who told me? Amayani told me, and Rupert Birkin. Do you know them? Winifred asked of Gudrun, turning to her with faint challenge. Yes, said Gudrun. Winifred readjusted herself a little. She had been ready to accept Gudrun as a sort of servant. Now she saw it was on terms of friendship they were intended to meet. She was rather glad. She had so many half-inferiors whom she tolerated with perfect good humour. Gudrun was very calm. She also did not take these things very seriously. A new occasion was mostly spectacular to her. However, Winifred was a detached, ironic child. She would never attach herself. Gudrun liked her and was intrigued by her. The first meetings went off with a certain humiliating clumsiness. Neither Winifred nor her instructors had any social grace. Soon, however, they met in a kind of make-belief world. Winifred did not notice human beings unless they were like herself, playful and slightly mocking. She would accept nothing but the world of amusement, and the serious people of her life were the animals she had for pets. On those she lavished almost ironically her affection and her companionship. To the rest of the human scheme she submitted with a faint, bored indifference. She had a Pecanese dog called Lulu which she loved. Let us draw Lulu, said Gudrun, and see if we can get his luliness, shall we? Darling! cried Winifred, rushing to the dog that sat with contemplative sadness on the hearth and kissing its bulging brow. Darling one, will you be drawn? Shall its mummy draw its portrait? Then she chuckled gleefully, and turning to Gudrun said, Oh, let! they proceeded to get pencils and paper, and were ready. Beautifulist! cried Winifred, hugging the dog, sit still while its mummy draws its beautiful portrait. The dog looked up at her with griever's resignation in its large, prominent eyes. She kissed it fervently, and said, I wonder what mine will be like, it's sure to be awful. As she sketched she chuckled to herself, and cried out at times, Oh darling you're so beautiful! And again, chuckling, she rushed to embrace the dog in penitence, as if she were doing him some subtle injury. He sat all the time with the resignation and fretfulness of ages on his dark, velvety face. She drew slowly, with a wicked concentration in her eyes, her head on one side, an intense stillness over her. She was, as if working the spell of some enchantment. Suddenly she had finished, she looked at the dog, and then at her drawing, and then cried with real grief for the dog, and at the same time with a wicked exultation. My beautiful, why did they? She took her paper to the dog, and held it under his nose. He turned his head aside, as in chakra and mortification, and she impulsively kissed his velvety, bulging forehead. So loo-lee, so loo-lee, look at his portrait, darling, look at his portrait that his mother has done of him. She looked at her paper, and chuckled, then kissing the dog once more, she rose and came gravely to Gudrun, offering her the paper. It was a grotesque little diagram of a grotesque little animal, so wicked and so comical, a slow smile came over Gudrun's face, unconsciously. And at her side Winifred chuckled with glee, and said, It isn't like him, is it? He's much lovelier than that. He's so beautiful, loo-loo-loo, my sweet darling. And she flew off to embrace the chagrin little dog. He looked up at her with reproachful, satinine eyes, vanquished in his extreme agedness of being. Then she flew back to her drawing, and chuckled with satisfaction. It isn't like him, is it? She said to Gudrun, Yes, it's very like him, Gudrun replied. The child treasured her drawing, carried it about with her, and showed it with a silent embarrassment to everybody. Look! she said, thrusting the paper into her father's hand. Why, that's loo-loo, he exclaimed. And he looked down in surprise, hearing the almost inhuman chuckle of the child at his side. Gerald was away from home when Gudrun first came to Shortlands, but the first morning he came back he watched for her. It was a sunny, soft morning, and he lingered in the garden paths, looking at the flowers that had come out during his absence. He was clean and fit as ever, shaven, his fair hair scrupulously parted at the side, bright in the sunshine. His short, fair moustache closely clipped, his eyes with their humorous kind twinkle, which was so deceptive. He was dressed in black, his clothes sat well on his well-nourished body. Yet, as he lingered before the flowerbeds in the morning sunshine, there was a certain isolation, a fear about him, as of something wanting. Gudrun came up quickly, unseen. She was dressed in blue with woollen yellow stockings like the blue-coat boys. He glanced up in surprise, her stockings always disconcerted him, the pale yellow stockings and the heavy, heavy black shoes. Winifred, who had been playing about the garden with Mamzell and the dogs, came flitting towards Gudrun. The child wore a dress of black and white stripes. Her hair was rather short, cut round and hanging level in her neck. We're going to do Bismarck, aren't we? She said, linking her hand through Gudrun's arm. Yes, we're going to do Bismarck. Do you want to? Oh, yes! Oh, I do! I want most awfully to do Bismarck. He looks so splendid this morning, so fierce! He's almost as big as a lion! And the child chuckled sardonically at her own hyperbole. He's a real king, he really is. Bonjour Mamzell, said the little French governess, wavering up with a slight bow, a bow of the sort that Gudrun loathed. Insolent! Winifred veut en faire le portrait de Bismarck. Oh, mais toute à la matinée, we will do Bismarck this morning. Bismarck, Bismarck, toujours Bismarck, c'est un lapin, n'est-ce pas, Mamzell? Oui, c'est un grand lapin blanc et noir. Vous ne l'avez pas vu, cette Gudrun in her goods, but rather heavy French. Non, Mamzell, Winifred n'a jamais voulu me le faire voir. Tant de fois, je le lui ai demandé, qu'est-ce donc ce Bismarck, Winifred? Mais, elle n'a pas voulu me le dire. Son Bismarck, c'était un mystère. C'est un mystère, vraiment un mystère. Miss Brangwyn said that Bismarck is a mystery, cried Winifred. Bismarck is a mystery. Bismarck, c'est un mystère. Der Bismarck, er ist ein Wunder, said Gudrun in mocking incantation. Ja, er ist ein Wunder, repeated Winifred, with odd seriousness, under which lay a wicked chuckle. Ist er auch ein Wunder, came the slightly insolent sneering of Mamzell. Doch, said Winifred, briefly, indifferent. Doch ist er nicht ein König, Bismarck, he was not a king, Winifred, as you have said. He was only, il n'était que chancellier. Qu'est-ce qu'un chancellier, said Winifred, with slightly contemptuous indifference? A chancellier is a chancellor, and a chancellor is, I believe, a sort of judge, said Gerald, coming up and shaking hands with Gudrun. You all have made a song of Bismarck soon, said he. Mamzell waited, and discreetly made her inclination and her greeting. So they wouldn't let you see Bismarck, Mamzell, he said. Non, monsieur. Ah, very mean of them. What are you going to do to him, Miss Brangwin? I want him sent to the kitchen and cooked, cried Winifred. We're going to draw him, said Gudrun. Draw him and quarter him and dish him up, he said, being purposely factuous. Oh, no! cried Winifred, with emphasis, chuckling. Gudrun detected the tang of mockery in him, and she looked up and smiled into his face. He felt his nerves caressed, their eyes met in knowledge. How do you like shortlands? he asked. Oh, very much, she said with nonchalance. Glad you do. Have you noticed these flowers? He led her along the path. She followed intently. Winifred came, and the governess lingered in the rear. They stopped before some veined, salpic losses flowers. Aren't they wonderful? She cried, looking at them, absorbedly. Strange how her reverential, almost ecstatic admiration of the flowers caressed his nerves. She stooped down and touched the trumpets, with infinitely fine and delicate touching fingertips. It filled him with ease to see her. When she rose, her eyes, hot with the beauty of the flowers, looked into his. What are they? she asked. Sort of petunia, I suppose, he answered. I don't really know them. They are quite strangers to me, she said. They stood together in a false intimacy, a nervous contact, and he was in love with her. She was aware of Mermzel standing near, like a little French beetle, observant and calculating. She moved away with Winifred, saying they would go to find Bismarck. Gerald watched them go. Being all the while at the soft, full, still body of Gudrun in its silky cashmere, how silky and rich and soft her body must be. An excess of appreciation came over his mind. She was the all-desirable, the all-beautiful. He wanted only to come to her, nothing more. He was only this, this being that should come to her, and be given to her. At the same time he was finally and acutely aware of Mermzel's neat, brittle finality of form. She was like some elegant beetle with thin ankles perched on her high heels, her glossy black dress perfectly correct, her dark hair done high and admirably. How repulsive her completeness and her finality was, he loathed her. Yet he did admire her. She was perfectly correct. And it did rather annoy him that Gudrun came dressed in startling colours like a macaw when the family was in mourning. Like a macaw she was. He watched the lingering way she took her feet from the ground, and her ankles were pale yellow and her dress a deep bloom. Yet it pleased him. It pleased him very much. He felt the challenge in her very attire. She challenged the whole world. And he smiled as to the note of a trumpet. Gudrun and Winifred went through the house to the back, where were the stables and the outbuildings. Everywhere was still and deserted. The cry had gone out for a short drive. The stableman had just led round Gerald's horse. The two girls went to the hutch that stood in a corner, and looked at the great black and white rabbit. Isn't he beautiful? Oh, do look at him listening. Doesn't he look silly? She laughed quickly. Then added, Oh, do let's do him listening. Do let us. He listens with so much of himself. Aren't you darling, Bismarck? Can we take him out? Said Gudrun. He's very strong. He really is extremely strong. She looked at Gudrun, her head on one side, in odd, calculating mistrust. But we'll try, shall we? Yes, if you like, but he's a fearful kicker. They took the key to unlock the door. The rabbit exploded in a wild rush round the hutch. He scratches most awfully sometimes, cried Winifred in excitement. Oh, do look at him. Isn't he wonderful? The rabbit tore round the hutch in a hurry. Bismarck cried the child in rousing excitement. How dreadful you are! You're beastly! Winifred looked up at Gudrun with some misgiving in her wild excitement. Gudrun smiled sardonically with her mouth. Winifred made a strange, crooning noise of unaccountable excitement. No, he's still— She cried, seeing the rabbit settled down in a far corner of the hutch. Shall we take him now? She whispered excitedly, mysteriously, looking up at Gudrun and edging very close. Shall we get him now? She chuckled wickedly to herself. They unlocked the door of the hutch. Gudrun thrust in her arm and seized the great lusty rabbit as it crouched still. She grasped its long ears. It set its four feet flat and thrust back. There was a long scraping sound as it was hauled forward, and in another instant it was in mid-air, lunging wildly, its body flying like a spring coiled and released as it lashed out, suspended from the ears. Gudrun held the black-and-white tempest at arm's length, averting her face. But the rabbit was magically strong. It was all she could do to keep her grasp. She almost lost her presence of mind. Bismock! Bismock, you're behaving terribly! said Winifred in a rather frightened voice. Oh, do put him down, he's beastly! Gudrun stood for a moment astounded by the thunderstorm that had sprung into being in her grip. Then her colour came up. A heavy rage came over her like a cloud. She stood shaken as a house in a storm and utterly overcome. Her heart was arrested with fury at the mindlessness and the bestial stupidity of this struggle. Her wrists were badly scored by the claws of the beast. A heavy cruelty welled up in her. Gerald came round as she was trying to capture the flying rabbit under her arm. He saw, with subtle recognition, her sullen passion of cruelty. You should let one of the men do that for you, he said, hurrying up. Oh, he's so horrid! cried Winifred, almost frantic. He held out his nervous, sinewy hand and took the rabbit by the ears from Gudrun. It's most fearfully strong! she cried in a high voice like the crying of a seagull strange and vindictive. The rabbit made itself into a ball in the air and lashed out, flinging itself into a bow. It really seemed demoniacal. Gudrun saw Gerald's body tighten, saw a sharp blindness come into his eyes. I know these beggars of old, he said. The long demon-like beast lashed out again, spread on the air as if it were flying, looking something like a dragon, then closing up again, inconceivably powerful and explosive. The man's body strung to its efforts, vibrated strongly. Then a sudden sharp, white-edged wrath came up in him. Swift as lightning he drew back and brought his free hand down like a hawk on the neck of the rabbit. Simultaneously there came the unearthly, abhorrent scream of a rabbit in the fear of death. It made one immense writhe, tore his wrists and his sleeves in a final convulsion. All its belly flashed white in a whirlwind of paws, and then he had it slung round and had it under his arm fast. It cowered and sulked. His face was gleaming with a smile. You wouldn't think there was all that force in a rabbit, he said, looking at Gudrun. And he saw her eyes black as night in her pallid face. She looked almost unearthly. The scream of the rabbit after the violent tussle seemed to have torn the veil of her consciousness. He looked at her, and the whitish electric gleam in his face intensified. I don't really like him, Winifred was crooning. I don't care for him as I do for Lucy. He's hateful, really. A smile twisted Gudrun's face as she recovered. She knew she was revealed. Don't they make the most fearful noise when they scream? She cried, the high note in her voice like a seagull's cry. Abominable, he said. He shouldn't be so silly when he has to be taken out, Winifred was saying, putting out her hand and touching the rabbit tentatively, as it skulked under his arm motionless as if it were dead. He's not dead, is he, Gerald? She asked. No, he ought to be, he said. Yes, he ought! cried the child with a sudden flush of amusement. And she touched the rabbit with more confidence. His heart is beating so fast. Isn't he funny? He really is. When you want him, asked Gerald. In the little green court, she said. Gudrun looked at Gerald with strange darkened eyes, strained with underworld knowledge, almost supplicating, like those of a creature which is at his mercy, yet which is his ultimate victor. He did not know what to say to her. He felt the mutual, hellish recognition, and he felt he ought to say something to cover it. He had the power of lightning in his nerves. She seemed like a soft recipient of his magical, hideous, white fire. He was unconfident. He had qualms of fear. Did he hurt you? he asked. No, she said. He's an insensible beast, he said, turning his face away. They came to the little court which was shut in by old red walls, in whose crevices wall-flowers were growing. The grass was soft and fine and old, a level floor carpeting the court. The sky was blue overhead. Gerald tossed the rabbit down. It crouched still and would not move. Gudrun watched it with faint horror. Why doesn't it move? she cried. It's skulking, he said. She looked up at him and a slight sinister smile contracted her white face. Isn't it a fool? she cried. Isn't it a sickening fool? The vindictive mockery in her voice made his brain quiver. Glancing up at him into his eyes, she revealed again the mocking, white, cruel recognition. There was a league between them, abhorrent to them both. They were implicated with each other in abhorrent mysteries. How many scratches have you? he asked, showing his hard forearm, white, and hard, and torn in red gashes. How really vile! she cried, flushing with a sinister vision. Mine is nothing. She lifted her arm and showed a deep red score down the silken white flesh. What a devil! he exclaimed. But it was as if he had had knowledge of her in the long red rent of her forearm, so silken and soft. He did not want to touch her. He would have to make himself touch her deliberately. The long, shallow red rip seemed torn across his own brain, tearing the surface of his ultimate consciousness. Letting through the forever unconscious, unthinkable red ether of the beyond, the obscene beyond. It doesn't hurt you very much, does it? he asked, solicitous. Not at all, she cried. And suddenly the rabbit, which had been crouching as if it were a flower, so still and soft, suddenly burst into life, round and round the court it went, as if shot from a gun, round and round like a furry meteorite, in a tense hard circle that seemed to bind their brains. They all stood in amazement, smiling uncannily, as if the rabbit were obeying some unknown incantation. Round and round it flew on the grass under the old red walls, like a storm. And then, quite suddenly, it settled down, hobbled among the grass, and sat considering, its nose twitching like a bit of fluff in the wind. After having considered, for a few minutes, a soft bunch with a black open eye, which perhaps was looking at them, perhaps was not, it hobbled calmly forward, and began to nibble the grass with that mean motion of a rabbit's quick eating. It's mad, said Gudrun, it is most decidedly mad. He laughed. The question is, he said, what is madness? I don't suppose it is rabbit mad? Don't you think it is? she asked. No, that's what it is to be a rabbit. There was a queer, faint, obscene smile over his face. She looked at him and saw him, and knew that he was initiate, as she was initiate. This thwarted her, and contravened her for the moment. God be praised, we are rabbits, she said, in a high, shrill voice. The smile intensified a little on his face. Not rabbits, he said, looking at her fixedly. Slowly her face relaxed into a smile of obscene recognition. Ah, Gerald, she said, in a strong, slow, almost man-like way. All that and more. Her eyes looked up at him with shocking nonchalance. He felt again as if she had torn him across the breast. Dully, finally. He turned aside. Eat, my darling! Winifred was softly conjuring the rabbit, and creeping forward to touch it. It hobbled away from her. Let its mother stroke its thumb, and the rabbit's finger, and the rabbit's finger, Let its mother stroke its fur, then, darling, because it is so mysterious. End of Chapter 18 Recording by Ruth Golding Chapter 19 Of Women in Love This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Ruth Golding Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence Chapter 19 Mooney After his illness Birkin went to the south of France for a time. He did not write. Nobody heard anything of him. Ursula left alone felt as if everything were lapsing out. There seemed to be no hope in the world. One was a tiny little rock with the tide of nothingness rising higher and higher. She herself was real, and only herself, just like a rock in a wash of flood-water. The rest was all nothingness. She was hard and indifferent, isolated in herself. There was nothing for it now, but contemptuous, resistant indifference. All the world was lapsing into a gray wish-wash of nothingness. She had no contact and no connection anywhere. She despised and detested the whole show. From the bottom of her heart, from the bottom of her soul, she despised and detested people, adult people. She loved only children and animals, children she loved passionately, but coldly. They made her want to hug them, to protect them, to give them life. But this very love based on pity and despair was only a bondage and a pain to her. She loved best of all the animals that were single and unsocial as she herself was. She loved the horses and cows in the field. Each was single and to itself, magical. It was not referred away to some detestable social principle. It was incapable of soulfulness and tragedy which she detested so profoundly. She could be very pleasant and flattering, almost subservient to people she met. But no one was taken in. Instinctively each felt her contemptuous mockery of the human being in himself or herself. She had a profound grudge against the human being. That which the word human stood for was despicable and repugnant to her. Mostly her heart was closed in this hidden unconscious strain of contemptuous ridicule. She thought she loved. She thought she was full of love. This was her idea of herself. But the strange brightness of her presence, a marvellous radiance of intrinsic vitality, was a luminousness of supreme repudiation. Nothing but repudiation. Yet at moment she yielded and softened. She wanted pure love. Only pure love. This other, this state of constant unfailing repudiation, was a strain, a suffering also. A terrible desire for pure love overcame her again. She went out one evening, numbed by this constant, essential suffering. Those who were timed for destruction must die now. The knowledge of this reached a finality, a finishing in her. And the finality released her. If fates would carry off in death or downfall all those who were timed to go, why need she trouble? Why repudiate any further? She was free of it all. She could seek a new union elsewhere. Ursula set off to Willie Green towards the mill. She came to Willie Water. It was almost full again after its period of emptiness. Then she turned off through the woods. The night had fallen. It was dark. But she forgot to be afraid. She who had such great sources of fear. Among the trees, far from any human beings, there was a sort of magic peace. The more one could find the pure loneliness with no taint of people, the better one felt. She was in reality terrified, horrified in her apprehension of people. She started noticing something on her right hand between the tree trunks. It was like a great presence watching her. Dodging her. She started violently. It was only the moon, risen through the thin trees. But it seemed so mysterious with its white and deathly smile. And there was no avoiding it. Night or day one could not escape the sinister face, triumphant and radiant like this moon, with a high smile. She hurried on, cowering from the white planet. She would just see the pond at the mill before she went home. Not wanting to go through the yard because of the dogs, she turned off along the hillside to descend on the pond from above. The moon was transcendent over the bare open space. She suffered from being exposed to it. There was a glimmer of nightly rabbits across the ground. The night was as clear as crystal and very still. She could hear a distant coughing of a sheep. So she swerved down to the steep, tree-hidden bank above the pond, where the Alders twisted their roots. She was glad to pass into the shade out of the moon. There she stood, looking at the moon. There she stood at the top of the fallen away bank, her hand on the rough trunk of a tree, looking at the water that was perfect in its stillness, floating the moon upon it. But for some reason she disliked it. It did not give her anything. She listened for the horse rustle of the sluice. And she wished for something else out of the night. She wanted another night, not this moon-brilliant hardness. She could feel her soul crying out in her, lamenting desolately. She saw a shadow moving by the water. It would be Birkin. He had come back then, unaware. She accepted it without remark. Nothing mattered to her. She sat down among the roots of the alder-tree, dim and veiled, hearing the sound of the sluice like dew, distilling audibly into the night. The islands were dark and half-revealed, the reeds were dark also, only some of them had a little frail fire of reflection. A fish leapt secretly, revealing the light in the pond. This fire of the chill night breaking constant, breaking constantly onto the pure darkness, repelled her. She wished it were perfectly dark, perfectly, and noiseless, and without motion. Birkin, small and dark also, his hair tinged with moonlight, wandered nearer. He was quite near, and yet he did not exist in her. He did not know she was there. Supposing he did something he would not wish to be seen doing, thinking he was quite private. But there, what did it matter? What did the small privacies matter? How could it matter what he did? How can there be any secrets where all the same organisms? How can there be any secrecy when everything is known to all of us? He was touching unconsciously the dead husks of flowers as he passed by, and talking disconnectedly to himself. You can't go away, he was saying. There is no way. You can only withdraw upon yourself. He threw a dead flower husk onto the water. An antiphony, they lie and you sing back to them. There wouldn't have to be any truth if there weren't any lies. Then one needn't assert anything. He stood still looking at the water, and throwing upon it the husks of the flowers. Sebeli, curse her. The accursed Siria dea. Does one begrudge it her? What else is there? Ursula wanted to laugh loudly and hysterically, hearing his isolated voice speaking out. It was so ridiculous. He stood staring at the water. Then he stooped, and picked up a stone which he threw sharply at the pond. Ursula was aware of the bright moon leaping and swaying all distorted in her eyes. It seemed to shoot out arms of fire like a cuttlefish, like a luminous polyp palpitating strongly before her. And his shadow on the border of the pond was watching for a few moments. Then he stooped and groped on the ground. Then again there was a burst of sound and a burst of brilliant light. The moon had exploded on the water, and was flying asunder in fakes of white and dangerous fire. Rapidly like white birds, the fires all broken rose across the pond, fleeing in clamourous confusion, battling with the flock of dark waves that were forcing their way in. The furthest waves of light fleeing out seemed to be clamouring against the shore for escape. The waves of darkness came in heavily, running under towards the centre. But at the centre, the heart of all, was still a vivid, incandescent quivering of a white moon not quite destroyed, a white body of fire writhing and striving, and not even now broken open, not yet violated. It seemed to be drawing itself together with strange, violent pangs in blind effort. It was getting stronger. It was reasserting itself, the inviolable moon. And the rays were hastening in, in thin lines of light, to return to the strength and moon that shook upon the water in triumphant reassumption. Birkin stood and watched, motionless, till the pond was almost calm, the moon was almost serene. Then, satisfied of so much, he looked for more stones. She felt his invisible tenacity. And in a moment again the broken light scattered in explosion over her face, dazzling her. And then almost immediately came the second shot. The moon leapt up white and burst through the air. Darts of bright light shot asunder, darkness swept over the centre. There was no moon, only a battlefield of broken lights and shadows running close together. Shadows, dark and heavy, struck again and again across the place where the heart of the moon had been, obliterating it altogether. The white fragments pulsed up and down and could not find where to go, apart and brilliant on the water, like the petals of a rose that a wind has blown far and wide. Yet again they were flickering their way to the centre, finding the path blindly, enviously. And again all was still as Birkin and Ursula watched. The waters were loud on the shore. He saw the moon regathering itself insidiously. Saw the heart of the rose intertwining vigorously and blindly, calling back the scattered fragments, winning home the fragments in a pulse and in effort of return. And he was not satisfied, like a madness he must go on. He got large stones and threw them one after the other at the white burning centre of the moon, till there was nothing but a rocking of hollow noise, and a pond surged up, no moon any more, only a few broken flakes tangled and glittering broadcast in the darkness, without aim or meaning, a darkened confusion like a black and white kaleidoscope tossed at random. The hollow night was rocking and crashing with noise, and from the sluice came sharp regular flashes of sound. Flakes of light appeared here and there, glittering tormented among the shadows, far off in strange places, among the dripping shadow of the willow on the island. Birkin stood and listened, and was satisfied. Ursula was dazed, her mind was all gone. She felt she had fallen to the ground and was spilled out like water on the earth. Motionless and spent, she remained in the gloom. Though even now she was aware, unseeing, that in the darkness was a little tumult of ebbing flakes of light, a cluster dancing secretly in a round, twining and coming steadily together. They were gathering a heart again, they were coming once more into being, gradually the fragments caught together, reunited, heaving, rocking, dancing, falling back as in panic, but working their way home again persistently, making semblance of fleeing away when they had advanced, but always flickering nearer, a little closer to the mark. The cluster growing mysteriously larger and brighter, as gleam after gleam fell in with the whole until a ragged rose, a distorted, frayed moon, was shaking upon the waters again, reasserted, renewed, trying to recover from its convulsion to get over the disfigurement and the agitation, to be whole and composed at peace. Birkin lingered vaguely by the water. Ursula was afraid that he would stone the moon again. She slipped from her seat and went down to him, saying, You won't throw stones at it any more, will you? How long have you been there? All the time. You won't throw any more stones, will you? I wanted to see if I could make it be quite gone off the pond, he said. Yes. It was horrible, really. Why should you hate the moon? It hasn't done you any harm, has it? Was it hate? he said. And they were silent for a few minutes. When did you come back? she said. Today. Why did you never write? I could find nothing to say. Why was there nothing to say? I don't know. Why are there no daffodils now? No. Again there was a space of silence. Ursula looked at the moon. It had gathered itself together and was quivering slightly. Was it good for you to be alone? she asked. Perhaps. Not that I know much. But I got over a good deal. Did you do anything important? No. I looked at England and thought I'd done with it. Why England? he asked in surprise. I don't know. It came like that. It isn't a question of nations, he said. France is far worse. Yes, I know. I felt I'd done with it all. They went and sat down on the roots of the trees in the shadow. And being silent, he remembered the beauty of her eyes, which were sometimes filled with light, like spring, suffused with wonderful promise. So he said to her slowly, with difficulty, There is a golden light in you, which I wish you would give me. It was as if he had been thinking of this for some time. She was startled. She seemed to leak clear of him, yet also she was pleased. What kind of a light, she asked. But he was shy and did not say any more. So the moment passed for this time, and gradually a feeling of sorrow came over her. My life is unfulfilled, she said. Yes, he answered briefly, not wanting to hear this. And I feel as if nobody could ever really love me, she said. But he did not answer. You think, don't you? she said slowly, that I only want physical things. It isn't true. I want you to serve my spirit. I know you do. I know you don't want physical things by themselves. But I want you to give me, to give your spirit to me, that golden light which is you, which you don't know. Give it to me. After a moment's silence, she replied, But how can I? You don't love me. You only want your own ends. You don't want to serve me. And yet you want me to serve you. It is so unsided. It was a great effort to him to maintain this conversation and to press for the thing he wanted from her, the surrender of her spirit. It is different, he said. The two kinds of service are so different. I serve you in another way, not through yourself, somewhere else. But I want us to be together without bothering about ourselves, to be really together because we are together. As if it were a phenomenon, not a thing we have to maintain by our own effort. No, she said, pondering. You are just egocentric. You never have any enthusiasm. You never come out with any spark towards me. You want yourself, really, and your own affairs. And you want me just to be there to serve you. But this only made him shut off from her. Ah, well, he said. Words make no matter anyway. The thing is between us, or it isn't. You don't even love me, she cried. I do, he said angrily. But I want— His mind saw again the lovely golden light of spring transfused through her eyes as through some wonderful window. And he wanted her to be with him there, in this world of proud indifference. But what was the good of telling her he wanted this company in proud indifference? What was the good of talking anyway? It must happen beyond the sound of words. It was merely ruinous to try to work her by conviction. This was a paradisal bird that could never be netted. It must fly by itself to the heart. I always think I'm going to be loved, and then I am let down. You don't love me, you know. You don't want to serve me. You only want yourself. A shiver of rage went over his veins at this repeated. You don't want to serve me. All the paradisal disappeared from him. No, he said, irritated. I don't want to serve you, because there is nothing there to serve. What you want me to serve is nothing, mere nothing. It isn't even you. It is your mere female quality. And I wouldn't give a straw for your female ego. It's a rag doll. She laughed in mockery. That's all you think of me, is it? And then you had the impudence that says, Say you love me. She rose in anger to go home. You want the paradisal unknowing, she said, turning round on him as he still sat, half visible in the shadow. I know what that means, thank you. You want me to be your thing, never to criticise you, or to have anything to say for myself. You want me to be a mere thing for you. No, thank you. If you want that, there are plenty of women who will give it to you. There are plenty of women who will lie down for you to walk over them. Go to them, then, if that's what you want. Go to them. No, he said, outspoken with anger. I want you to drop your assertive will. Your frightened, apprehensive self- insistence. That is what I want. I want you to trust yourself so implicitly that you can let yourself go. Let myself go, she re-echoed in mockery. I can let myself go easily enough. It is you who can't let yourself go. It is you who hang on to yourself, as if it were your only treasure. You, you are the Sunday school teacher. You, you preacher. The amount of truth that was in this made him stiff and unheeding of her. I don't mean let yourself go in the dionistic, ecstatic way, he said. I know you can do that. But I hate ecstasy, dionistic or any other. It's like going round in a squirrel cage. I want you not to care about yourself, just to be there and not to care about yourself, not to insist, be glad and sure and indifferent. Who insists? she mocked. Who is it that keeps on insisting? It isn't me. There was a weary mocking bitterness in her voice. He was silent for some time. I know, he said. While ever either of us insists to the other, we are all wrong. But there we are. The accord doesn't come. They sat in stillness under the shadow of the trees by the bank. The night was white around them. They were in the darkness, barely conscious. Gradually the stillness and peace came over them. She put her hand tentatively on his. Their hands clasped softly and silently in peace. Do you really love me? she said. He laughed. I call that your war cry. He replied, amused. Why? she cried, amused and really wondering. Your insistence, your war cry, a branguin, a branguin, an old battle cry. Yours is, do you love me, yield nave or die? No, she said, pleading. Not like that. Not like that. But I must know that you love me, mustn't I? Well then, know it and have done with it. But do you? Yes, I do. I love you. And I know it's final. It is final. So why say any more about it? She was silent for some moments in delight and doubt. Are you sure? she said, nestling happily near to him. Quite sure. So now have done. Accept it and have done. She was nestled quite close to him. Have done with what? she murmured happily, with bothering, he said. She clung nearer to him. He held her close and kissed her softly, gently. It was such peace and heavenly freedom just to fold her and kiss her gently, and not to have any thoughts or any desires or any will, just to be still with her, to be perfectly still and together in a peace that was not sleep, but content in bliss, to be content in bliss without desire or insistence anywhere. This was heaven, to be together in happy stillness. For a long time she nestled to him, and he kissed her softly, her hair, her face, her ears, gently, softly, like dew falling. But this warm breath on her ears disturbed her again, kindled the old destructive fires. She cleaved to him and he could feel his blood changing like quicksilver. But will be still, shall we? he said. Yes, she said, as if submissively. And she continued to nestle against him. But in a little while she drew away and looked at him. I must be going home, she said. Must you? How sad! he replied. She leaned forward and put up her mouth to be kissed. Are you really sad? she murmured, smiling. Yes, he said. I wish we could stay as we were, always. Always, do you? she murmured as he kissed her. And then out of a full throat she crooned, Kiss me, kiss me! Kiss me! and she cleaved close to him. He kissed her many times. But he too had his idea and his will. He wanted only gentle communion, no other, no passion now. So that soon she drew away, put on her hat, and went home. End of the first part of chapter 19. Recording by Ruth Golding